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Chapter 8

Never will Be Mine

“Calm down...you hear me AJ...calm down.”
It was Roman who had taken my hand. He was trying to calm me down but I couldn't calm down. I had gone running and ran right into him. Him, Jaime, Vice and surprisingly Neiman were standing out on a sandy courtyard playing ping pong on tables and drinking beer. There were some girls there that I hadn't seen before.

I wasn't even embarrassed as all of them looked down me. Right now I didn't care. I didn't care about anything but seeing Biggie back there.

“Biggie is here, Biggie is here!”
“Whose Biggie? AJ calm down, look at me,” Roman stated, grabbing my face and pulling it down to his, “Look in my eyes ok?”

I couldn't talk. My tongue was concrete. My heart was beating faster than I knew. Biggie! Biggie was here. He had found me. I couldn't believe he fucking found me. That was ridiculous.

Just as I said that Jaime had come back from somewhere.

“I ran up the street looking for whoever scared him. There was no one there.”

“Biggie was there!” I stated shaking even harder, “I fucking saw him yo! He fucking found me and he's going to kill me. Do you understand. He's going to fucking kill me.”
'Who is Biggie?” Roman asked again.

Jaime was the one who actually answered, “Roman, Biggie is his stepfather. Jory thinks he killed AJ's mom. He's been trying to get AJ away from that man for years.”

“That's the guy's name? Biggie?” Roman stated.

Him and Jaime exchanged knowing looks. I wondered if they had conversations amongst themselves about me before. It would seem so from their looks.

I was surprised when Neiman came over and handed me some water. I took the water for some reason. If it had been anyone else I probably wouldn't have taken it though. After seeing Neiman almost kill himself, I felt like I owed him the respect and attention to at least take some water from him. The water was shaking in my hand though. It shook so bad that it spilled over before I could even

Neiman gaving me a knowing look, “He's having a panic attack.”

Jaime stated, rubbing my back and squatting down where I sat with Roman, “AJ if you want to go to the hospital...”

I shook my head, “No...I just...I just need to leave. I just need to get out of Captiva Island. I don't care where I go. I have to run. You guys don't understand. He told me what he'd do to me if I'd run away from he. He TOLD me he was going to kill me. He'll fucking kill me.”

Roman had taken my face again. He was trying to get me stare into his eyes. I had been hesitating. All of a sudden I was a kid again. I wasn't on Captiva Island on my mind. I hadn't gotten away from him. He had followed me. He had followed me to fulfill his promise. He was going to kill me and I knew it.

Roman commanded me again his two palms holding my hands still. He pulled his face so close to mine that all I could see was his face and nothing else.

“The safest place for you is here. I won't let him hurt you. You hear me? I'll fuck him up. You saw how we deal with people at the club...we got your back man.”

“Biggie's different! Roman he'll kill you!”

“No...look in my eyes. Forget everything. Forget Captiva Island. Forget Biggie. It's just me and you here. And I'll keep you safe. Just look in my eyes and forget everything and count to three...”

I don't know what it was. It was almost as though he was hypnotizing me. I did it. I looked in his deep eyes and I got lost in them. Then I counted to three.

One...two...three...

And when I had gotten to three the only thing I could think about was how handsome Roman was. All I could think of was his beautiful eyes.

I stopped shaking.

My breathing returned to normal.

“He'll be ok,” Roman stated breaking our glare.

“This is bullshit,” Vice all of a sudden called out, “For real, me and Jaime ran up and down the block chasing shadows. There was no body on that WHOLE block.”
“So you saying he's fucking lying Vice?” Roman asked.

Roman's voice was angry and forceful. For a moment I felt bad for how he barked at Vice on my behalf but the other part of that turned me on. Roman's eyes broke Vice's little abrasive remark.

Vice quickly changed up his tone, “I'm not calling AJ a liar. Relax. I'm just saying maybe he is confused. He has skeletons in his closet. We all can see that. Maybe his past is just haunting him.”

“Shut the fuck up, Vice you aren't helping,” Roman quickly shut him down, “Jaime can you pull up the car. We'll take AJ home.”

“No...no I'm good. Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe Vice is right,” I said.

I didn't know what else to say to change the subject off of me. All of a sudden I had become way too aware of how big of a scene I had made this. Neiman, Jaime and Roman had surrounded me like some sort of bodyguards and even though I felt protected I felt like a little bitch. I was so strong with everyone but Biggie. When it came to Biggie I just turned into a bitch all over again. Why did he have this power over me? Maybe it's because he had that power since I was so young and I couldn't protect myself. I turned into that little boy every time.

Looking back calm now I didn't know what I had saw. Maybe Vice was right. Maybe I had just dreamed it all.

“You sure?” Roman asked, “We can leave.”

“No, not now. It' s a nice night.”

It took them a couple times asking before everyone stopped giving me that much attention. Jaime literally spent time telling me how to deal with anxiety as though he was teaching a lecture at some charity school or something. It was almost an hour until things completely got back to normal and everyone went on their way to playing ball.

“You should have seen they were with me after the pill thing...”

It was Neiman who had walked up behind me when everyone had left. Vice was sitting alone on the other side of the sand court. He was sitting on a bench. I could have sworn he was steaming and it had to be from how Roman had talked to him.

Roman and Jaime were playing ping pong while some girls watched. The girls were trying so hard to flirt with them. Roman and Jaime were very attractive guys naturally. They definitely were the two who would get the most attention. Roman had the badass thing going on and Jaime was just so social that people flocked to him naturally. If they were straight they could definitely have taken these girls home tonight. I wondered if the girls knew that they were gay or not.

“They love you,” I told Roman.

He shook his head, “They love you too.”

I shook my head in disagreement, “No. They don't even know me like that yet. They've known you for years. I'm new...”

“Roman used to tell me that when you love someone you love them the first moment you see and all the rest of the time you are just trying to remember how you felt the first time. I never saw them so concerned with anyone who wasn't a part of the family. I think everyone sees you as a part of the family.”

A part of the family.

The way they described themselves was so different from Crystals. The Crystals had acted almost like I had gotten a membership to some sort of Fraternity or something. With the Vanities it was so different though. They looked at themselves as a family.

Why was I getting this warm feeling every time I imagined being with them?

“I never been the family type,” I said instead of imagining it too much.

“Me either,” he replied shaking his head, “I want to change though. I figure there's a reason you came into our lives. There is a reason why you saved my life. There's a reason for me being alive still.”

“So you won't be trying that I again I hope?” I asked.

He smiled, “No I won't. I'm such a fuck up I can't even kill myself right.”

We laughed together. Neiman had a dark humour but at least he had a humour. When we laughed I noticed that Vice got up all of a sudden and walked away. It was clear he didn't approve of Neiman and I having any bonding time at all.

He walked away and it was clear he wasn't coming back. Vice didn't even say goodbye too anyone. I noticed though that Roman had noticed him leave. Roman watched him leave.

I wondered if Roman would go after him like he had done before...but surprisingly no...

“I wonder where he's going?” I asked.

“Probably to find a way to break Roman's heart,” Neiman stated, “I don't like to get in people's business too much. I try not to judge but he'll be the death of Roman one day. Roman has such a big heart and he's given it all to the wrong person...”

I shook my head. Roman did have a big heart. He didn't show it off the bat. He was still being a dickhead to me but I knew he cared. I could tell today when he tried so hard to calm me down.

Vice was no good for Roman. Roman knew it but he couldn't let go. He kept getting pulled back into Vice as if Vice were gravity.

“Roman will have to see that for himself...”

“Why don't you show him?”

I laughed. It was such a strange thing to ask. I looked over at Neiman but he wasn't laughign with me. He had on the most serious face I'd ever seen.

“Neiman, why would I do that?”

“You may think I'm weird,” Neiman stated and shook his head, “I had almost crossed over to the other side when I was dead and I saw flashes. A lot of the flashes were of you. Some were visions of other things too. I believe they were prophecies. I had known you'd saved me before you actually did it. You think you came here so Uncle Jory could help you out, but I don't believe that was the reason we met.”
I did think he was weird. I had to admit. He saw flashes of me? What kind of flashes?
“Why am I here then?”

“You are here to save us...all the Vanities. I was the first one but I won't be the last you save. You'll save each one of us.”

“Save you from who?”

“From ourselves.”

We left in time to get home for dinner as usual. I hadn't told anyone about the conversation with Neiman. It was a strange conversation and I didn't know what to think of it. I noticed he looked at me differently though. He was looking at me almost as though I was some sort of Moses come to lead his people to the promised land. He had that hope in his eyes and I didn't get it.

I wasn't going to save anyone. I couldn't even face my own past. I had too many demons on my back to help anyone with anything. I had managed to help him but he came to his own realization about life. Or had he?

Maybe saving him had helped him realize how much he loved life.

I woke up in the middle of the night that night. I was having cold sweats. It was all thoughts of Biggie. I had seen his face but maybe I had imagined it. The uncertainty was killing me. What if he had really come back? I was in danger. Did he know where I worked? Did he know where I lived?

I ended up making my way down to the kitchen to get something to drink. I opened the fridge and smiled when I saw that Roman had labeled his muscle milk as though anyone was in competition with him over his body. Neiman, Vice and I were skinny as hell. Jaime was the only one with a body but he wasn't anywhere as intense as Roman. The smile was unexpected but once again I noticed a pattern that Roman was the one who seemed to be taking my mind off of Biggie.

“AJ is doing this shit on purpose.”

The voice was coming out of vents. I traced it. I wouldn't have been spying but obviously there was my name and it was clear that it was coming from Vice's mouth. I followed to trail where the vent was and found that it was in one of the hallways attached to the kitchen. This hallway led out to the pool in the back.

I bent over to hear who he had been talking to.

“I think he's ok.”

It was clear who the other voice was. It was Nima. At this time of night all the female workers had gone. Barka sounded nothing like Nima. It had to be here.

“You are just saying that because he saved Neiman.”

“You're acting like that is a small thing he did. We were meant to him at first. Everyone goes through a little hazing but he's growing on me. Shouldn't he be growing on you by now too. Honestly Vice, what is your issue with him?”

I had to hear this. I couldn't understand it

“He's trying to steal what's mine. He shows up when the old man is dying all of a sudden. C`mon let's be for real. He wants the inheritance. That's what this is about. Now he's bonding with all of you.”

“Did you ever think maybe he just honestly might want to get to bond with some of us.”

I wanted to go through the vents and kiss Nima for actually making sense. Vice sounded crazy. What was he talking about? I hadn't thought about any inheritance since I got down here.

“No. Nima come on you're not as dumb as the rest of them. You always been like me. We have find a way to get rid of him.”

My mouth opened a little bit. He was serious. He was sneaking around plotting against me in the middle of the night? Yeah, there was really an issue here.

“Vice get over it. You ever thought that you might be the issue?”

“Wow he got to you too. So I'm in this alone.”

“You are never alone. You're my brother. But we aren't a war. Sooner or later he is going to be a Vanity. You know that as much as I do. Get used to him being our brother too.”

“FUCK that. I'm getting him out. I'll die before I call that little faggot my brother. You hear me? I'll fucking shoot my brains out. He's not getting my inheritance...”

Money.

Money was the root of this. I had thought he was jealous about my relationship with his on again off again boyfriend inheritance was what he was going for.

I stopped listening after that. I think they stopped talking but I didn't stick around to confirm. It was clear now more then ever that I had an enemy in Vanity house. Vice wanted me out and I had to figure a way to stop him. I shook my head. He was probably a lot more crafty than I was and now he had huge target on my back. At least I was aware of it though.

'

“I want to help with your relationship issues...”

I had asked Roman to come out to the pool to take a swim with me after work the next day. I was all hot and sweaty from a hard days work in the store so I needed some time to cool off.

I also needed a way for Vice to know that we weren't enemies.

“What relationship?” Roman asked confused, getting out of the pool to meet me as I walked into the backyard pool area.

The pool area was pretty decent. It was an Olympic sized pool. It was in ground and cleaned daily. I had barely used it but I saw Nima and Barka use it a lot.

It was hard talking about his ex with him standing in front of me. I thought he'd come out with some regular swimming trunks like I did, but when he got out of the water his body were some skin tight shorts that clung to his body in a way that caught me off guard.

The trunks grasped his dick, imprinting it. I could see it almost fully through the shorts and could see the outline of a huge head on his dick. The water had clunt the suit to him so I could even see the happy trail on his torso that led up to that part. Then there was how the water glistened on his muscular biceps.

He had actually reached to greet me. I was hoping he wasn't going to give me a hug so I ended up playfully pushing him into the pool.

I jumped in immediately after to hide my own rising erection.

“And you call me a dickhead,” he laughed, “What are you talking about with this relationship thing though?”

“With Vice. I want to help you fix it.”

“Why would you be interested in helping me fix things with Vice?” he asked with the most confused look ever on his face, “He hates you first off...”

And second off?

I didn't ask though.

I just nodded and agreed, “You're right, but you helped me yesterday and I want to return the favor. So tell me...why aren't you two working?”

He shook his head, “This is fucking awkward.”

He actually pretending to be killing himself grabbing his own neck and pulling himself down slowly into the water. I laughed. I should have just told him that his boyfriend was plotting to kill him so I was using him as an excuse to get over on Vice's good side.

That would have been the simple thing to do, but instead I was playing this false hope.

“Just TELL me Roman.”

Roman shook his head, “A better question is why did we ever work? We hang out sure and sometimes he's fun but Vice can't commit. He says he can. He promises and swears and begs. Then he cheats. He is out there fucking everyone but me. We haven't had sex in years. Not to mention all the other stuff. He's rude. He is inconsiderate. He's too sensitive...”

Roman was going in at this moment but then I think all of a sudden he realized how awkward it was because he just stopped and stared.

He shook his head, “Wait...wait...wait...why am I talking to you about this?”

“Am I not your friend too or is Jaime the only one you let have your back?” I asked.

He sighed loudly, “It's just different? You aren't Jaime...”

“Cause I'm not your brother?”

' “No...it's nevermind. What was the point of this conversation?”

“I set up a date for the two of you,” I stated, “I was over in the art district and I found this beautiful restaurant and made reservations. I think you should give it another try. Obviously he still loves you.”

Roman laughed. I wasn't sure if it was nervous or awkward laughter though. He pretended to choke himself out again and I knew this had to be really really unexpected or him.

“Me and Vice are SO done,” Roman stated.

“Yet you always get back together.”

“That's not fair. You haven't been around to see how he begs me and throws his pity party. He makes me feel bad for wanting to move on,” Roman stated, “That's the only reason I go back half the time.”

“So are you saying there are no feelings?” I asked.

“Uh...”

“Wait...”

I got close to him. I swam up really close to him. He was on the shallow end and I was able to walk up to him. Our bodies were close and I wanted it that way. I held his head and put my head right next to his so that we were staring at one another.

Our eyes matched up together and we looked straight into one another. It was the same as it was when he calmed me down after the Biggie scare.

“Look at me in my eyes. Count to three and then answer. That way I know you won't lie.”

“You're stealing MY thing,” he argued.

“Just do it boy.”

He let me hold his head and he stared into my eyes just like I had done him. Why was it that I was getting hypnotized though? God I couldn't be around Roman this close. My penis began to grow already. If he felt it I wasn't sure because he didn't say anything.

I wondered if he remembered the kiss that we had in the gym that time. I remembered feeling his hard on. It seemed like remake of the same thing. Our eyes locked on each other.

“One...two...three...” he stated.

“Are you going to answer?”
“I'll answer if you answer a question for me.”
“Deal...so what is your answer?”

“My answer is that I honestly yes” he replied and shook his head, “I still have feelings for him but its not the same. Its been easier for me not to think about him. I don't know what changed. I keep thinking about it. What were the biggest things that changed in my life lately? Now my head is full with all these new thoughts , new ideas...new people...”
Why was I still holding his head up to my eyes?

Why were our eyes still connecting like this?
Roman, why don't you reach inside my heart and grab out my heart? No...no...I couldn't let someone get that close. I had to keep up my walls! It was easy with XO. It was easy to flirt and not FALL. With Roman it was different. I was falling and I had to catch myself.

“I knew you still had feelings for him,” I stated.

I pulled away completely and even took two steps back. I felt safer when I wasn't so close.

“Is that all you got out of what I just said?” he asked in a gray tone that didn't really suggest any sort of emotion but curiosity.

I didn't really know what he meant by his retort. He had answered the question by saying yes. That was what mattered. All the other stuff was the reason that him and Vice were always off and on. He couldn't make up his damn mind.

“That's what you said,” I answer quickly but add, “So what was your question you wanted to ask in return.”
“Before I go out with him. I wanted to know something and I want you to be 100% honest with me. I also don't want you to ask why I asked this question but I want you to agree to answer it no matter what.”

He was making me nervous. He was putting so much weight on the question.

He was stepping closer and as I moved back he was moving with me. It was almost as though I couldn't escape him. Soon were were in the deeper part of the pool wading the water together. Roman's wades were a lot smoother than mine. I swam like a frantic idiot sometimes. This was one of those times.

“Ask what you have to ask,” I stated.

“Do you really want to see me and Vice together as a couple?”

No...hell no...

“Yes.”

I regretted it as soon as I said it. I didn't know it came out of my mouth until it did. I had prepared myself to be able to put up a front if I was going to end this grudge with Vice and stop getting emotional about Roman. That was the plan right? I had to distance myself from Roman? So why do I feel so bad about my little lie?

It ran through me regardless like a poison and it was immediately painful. It was physically painful actually. I even grabbed my chest and had to get out of the pool.

I noticed that Roman was actually on his way out.

“Roman, did I say something wrong or something?” I asked as I noticed he was walking away without really saying anything.

He pauced and stopped. He had his back turned towards me. The water was dripping down his back. He had a nice ass on him. He actually had big butt for a guy. I wondered if he was a top or bottom. Truth though Vice was taller, Roman was more manly and I could not really see Vice fucking Roman. Roman definitely wasn't a bottom, but I wondered if that made him a top. If it was, I would have hated it. That butt of his was sexy. I could see the crease of his ass and the roundness of it through his suit. Why would he wear something like this around me? I had to put my hand in front of my crotch almost immediately again to conceal it.

“No you didn't say anything wrong bro,” Roman replied, “Hey, you want us together then I'll try but just to make you happy ok? Maybe you'll sleep better at night.”

He knew I had trouble sleeping at night? I wondered if he was taking a shot at me for some reason. I wasn't sure though.

I kept wondering if I had made the right decision though. It bothered me completely. I skipped out on dinner that night. Jaime kept knocking on my door asking me to come down but I kept turning him down. I didn't want to think about it but it was best. I had to get over this weird addiction that I had to Roman one way or another.

I hadn't come to stay in Captiva Island.

“We need your opinion!”

I hadn't even seen them coming out of the house. It was Jaime and Nima. They looked like they had obviously been arguing about something. I wondered as I looked at them if they had seen Roman when they walked out to the pool.

Nima laughed when she saw me in the pool, “Oooh...look at you muscles. Roman had us all calling you Scrawny behind your back.”

Roman. I shook my head.
Jaime cut her off, “Anyway...we need your opinion like I was saying. The old man has an annual trip boat trip. It's become a ritual for us. The problem is the old man is too sick to go. I say we should still go and Nima disagrees.”

I shrugged, “What do I have to do with this?”

“We need an unbiased opinion.”

Nima cut him off, “No we need a biased opinion on Nima's side. So what is it?”

I shrugged, “What would the old man want?”

“He says we should go on the boat trip,” Jaime stated.

“It won't be the fucking same Jaime. I'm not going.”

I shook my head at Nima's stubbornness, “Honestly it probably means a lot to Uncle Jory if you guys go. You have to realize … he's dying. You know? He's preparing you guys to do things without him here.”

Nima sat in the pool. I could see there was something upsetting her. It was almost like her whole body got heavy when I told her the realization that Uncle Jory was dying. All of a sudden tears were coming out from her eyes again. I would have felt bad if it was anyone but Nima. She was just automatically dramatic. What was sad though was when Jaime sat next to her and held her. The look on his face was so somber and sad.

“He really is going dying huh?” Nima stated.

Jaime nodded, “The doctors said he doesn't have much longer. I think that is why its so important that we keep up this tradition. We have to keep his legacy. You know?”
Nima shook her head and looked up at me, “You'll be going right?”
I paused.

They both were looking at me. My heart felt heavy. It was that feeling coming back to me again. It was that unfamiliar feeling of belongingness. Why were they including me? I didn't belong here. I wasn't there brother. I wasn't a Vanity.

I shook my head, “No...no...no. I'm not going anywhere yo. It isn't my tradition. I'll just be in the way.”

I walked away. I know Nima said something smart like, “I expected that from him.” I didn't care what she said though. I had to start making that a habit. Their tears were getting to me and I didn't like. I had to build this wall stronger. I didn't want to feel the pain that they were feeling. I didn't want to lose another family member. If I stayed away from them emotionally maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much to lose people.

I had to build this wall back up. I had to build it of a stronger brick. No, I had to build it out of steel. I had to surround it and make no entrance except for a small moat with gigantic alligators.

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried.

It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel...like i'm falling apart inside.

And now you're gone there's like an echo in my head

And I every word you said.

THAT YOU NEVER WERE, AND YOU NEVER WILL BE MINE

The song played on the television. I looked back to see who it was. Who the fuck was making me feel so wretched. Robyn- Be Mine! (Live From the Cherryhouse). I shook my head pissed that XO put this on. I had tried to change it but couldn't find the remote.

Outside I looked back at Vice. Vice was sitting there across the street. I had set up their date across the street from Marlon's Miracles. The art district was the most beautiful place at dusk. The sun was setting and on the hills you could see the shore below. There was a song on the radio playing in the store. XO was in the back somewhere. I had arranged the store so well that he had to lay back and take naps on duty. I didn't mind though.

For a moment I thought Roman wouldn't have shown up.

He did show up and almost immediately there was this song playing on the radio.

There's a moment to seize, everytime that we meet

But you always keep passing me by.

You never were and you never will be mine.

I watched the whole date. I watched Roman getting upset. I watched as Vice tried to calm him down. Vice filled his head with lies. He was filling his head with such bitter lies. From the store street I could feel my own heart breaking as Roman started to believe him. I saw Roman smile and I knew it was done for.

Then they kissed.

You never were...and you never will be mine.