Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2015 17:17:42 -0800 From: Juilian James Subject: What makes a Family Chapter 22 WHAT MAKES A FAMILY BY: Julien This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of any person, place or thing. It contains sexual activities between males and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area. Read at your own risk and enjoy. Comments are welcomed at juniorj009@gmail.com and would be very much appreciated. ENJOY! This will be a short mini series of sort. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks. J. Neil He massaged my shoulders as I continued to retch over the toilet bowl, the entire contents of my stomach already finding its place in the bottom of the bowl. The smell was nauseating and I wanted to pry myself away from there but it was as if my legs were incapable of moving. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally and I wanted so bad to give up, give in but I couldn't. Not after everything he had done for me. And especially not after the promise that I had made to my son and to myself. This seemed to be the ritual after each bout of chemo so I should have been used to it by now but I couldn't and I doubt I ever would. "You need to rest Neil. It's been a long day...for both of us." And he was right. Between the prodding and poking, the x-rays, and the actual chemo injections, I was about ready to pass out right in front of the toilet bowl. "Come on big guy, lets get you cleaned up and into bed. Then I'll order some food." And just the mere mention of food had my stomach churning something awful. But truth be told, I had no more left to give. I reached over for the handle and flushed the toilet, looking away as everything spiraled down into oblivion. I felt James' arm surround me as he half picked-half dragged me off my knees and into a standing position. He led me over to the sink and promptly handed me a toothbrush already prepared with toothpaste. "Thanks." I mumbled, my eyes finally meeting his through the bathroom mirror. He offered me a half smile which didn't quite meet his eyes but I allowed myself to accept it and return one myself. "We won't make it anything too heavy this time. Maybe some soup and bread. Cool with you?" I nodded, even though truth be told I wasn't hungry. "Ok. Let me call it in and I'll help you into bed." And with that, he lightly squeezed my shoulder and turned to leave. I watched as he walked out and let out a breath of air that I didn't realize I had been holding in. I had difficulty formulating in my head all that I felt at the moment. I was terrified, tired, grateful and all the emotions in between. It was still an uneasy feeling to know that James was seeing me at my low point, probably the lowest I had ever been in my life. But strangely enough, it was also a comfort to know that despite what he had seen and experienced with me, he hadn't walked out the door yet. Just that thought sent a chill running up my spine. It was comforting in a way to know that when I was gone, David would have this man, this rock, to lean on. The thought of dying didn't bring me to my knees as it once had, instead, I accepted it as a reality, a full circle kind of thing, something that we all had to face. And in a sick way, I looked forward to death. Not because I was in such unfathomable pain, no, that wasn't it. Instead, in my own little warped universe, dying, like this, meant that there were no more bridges to mend, no more ways to fuck up. I could end things on a good note with James still thinking I was somebody, my son still on good terms with me and the world not against me. It was a selfish way to think, but it was my reality. "Neil, foods on its way." His voice reverberated through the apartment and snapped me out of my morbid line of thinking. I put the toothbrush in my mouth and started to brush away all the reminders of my illness, making a concentrated effort not to look at the reflection staring back at me. James With Neil fed, changed and finally having fallen asleep, I took the time to catch up on some paperwork. Not the way I wanted to spend my Saturday night but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Neil and I had fallen into this routine after a few months of me pushing and prodding at him to let me in. It wasn't an easy task by any means and sometimes I caught myself wanting to just say `fuck it' and walk away but I couldn't. At the end of the day, this was my family and a real man never walked away from his family in crisis. Matt and Michele had been a great support to me, talking me through the steps of being a caregiver. It wasn't an easy task by any means and for Neil, I knew it had to be hell for him to have to rely on me, but it was what had to be done. I wasn't going to sit back and allow him to lose himself to this disease or the depression that it brought on. Many times I would catch the forlorn and lost look on his face when he thought I wasn't looking, and I would be lying if I said it didn't worry me. Neil in the best of times wasn't always rational so now, when things were at a low, I didn't know what to expect. Matt, sensing my worry, had told me the things to look out for. "He's going to go through these phases. The anger, the regret, the self-loathing. He's going to feel like giving up. Cancer is always a tough thing to deal with James. I've seen many people just give up. You can't let Neil do that. You can't let him go into himself. I don't care if he fights you, tells you to leave him the fuck alone, or to get the hell out. It's not him talking..." And I had understood perfectly well what he was saying. I had lived with and loved Neil for well over 12 years and I knew how polar opposite his moods could be in the best of times. Here, right now, he was at his lowest, his most vulnerable. It was as if his sense of self worth was non-existent, as if he was just biding his time until the end. But I refused to entertain the notion that this was where it would all end. In my mind, Neil still had so much more living to do. He still needed to see David graduate from college, get married, have children. He needed to heal from this so that he could move on from this time in his life, from us, and maybe one day find someone to settle down with. He had so much more to do that him dying from this was not an option, I wouldn't let it be. A smaller part of me had my own selfish reasons for keeping Neil on even keel. I would never admit it to anyone, not even David, but despite everything that had gone down between us, deep deep down, I had somehow thought that there was a possibility of us reconciling on some level. Not to say that I imagined us going back to the way things were, I don't think that would ever be possible. Instead, I had always thought that at the end of this journey, we would have been able to still be involved in each others lives, whether on a platonic or sexual level. This man at one point in time, had been a big part of my life. I had forsaken others to be with just him. Not to say that I was perfect, but for the most part, I had remained faithful and loyal. Choosing to come home to him and only him, something that was not natural to me. In fact, almost two years after our breakup, I still hadn't made a concerted effort to move on. I wasn't celibate by any means but it took me the longest time to engage in something sexual with someone else. This was only the beginning of a string of very unsatisfying experiences to say the least. And since I had practically moved back into our apartment to take care of him, sex with other people was the last thing on my mind. The ringing of my cell phone shook me out of thought and I for one was grateful for the distraction. Looking at the caller ID, I saw that it was David. A smile spread across my face. It had been a few days since we had spoken so I was excited to hear how things had been going. "David, my man, how are you?" "Dad, I wasn't sure you were gonna pick up. Things are good, great in fact. That's why I was calling." There was a hint of excitement so I knew it had to mean one of two things, he had met a girl or he had been accepted into the fraternity he had been pledging. "Glad to hear it kid- what's up?" He hesitated for a moment before continuing, "I joined the Army National Guard." And it was as if the air in my lungs had been sucked out. I found myself needing to sit almost immediately. "What? David...Why?" "Its something I was considering my senior year. But with everything going on, I just didn't have the chance to tell you guys." He paused for a minute as if awaiting a response from me but I was speechless. Sensing that I wasn't going to say anything, he continued with his explanation, "They had recruiters come on campus a few months back and I got to talking with one of them and it made sense dad. I could get money for college for, retire after 20 years if I chose to stay in and the signing bonus will help dad out with his medical bills. Please don't be mad, please." There was so many things that I wanted to say, that I needed to say but nothing coherent would come to mind. "David, uh, its never that simpleÉ.." I started, but he was quick to intervene. "You did it, you survived, look at the type of man you became. Come on Dad, you can't knock me for wanting to follow in your footsteps." And even though I didn't want to admit this to him, he was right. I didn't say that though because what kind of parent would I be if I didn't give my only child shit about making a very grown up decision without consulting either of us. "David, this is fucked up, you know that. You're in a good school, you already have a partial scholarship, your dad and I are willing to help as much as we can. You didn't need to do this." And truth be told, even with Neil's mounting medical bills, we would have done whatever was needed to provide for him. David shouldn't have had to worry about money. His sigh broke me out of my train of thought and for a second, imagined I heard the faint sound of a muffled curse. "James, I know you guys would break your backs for me. You've always done that and I appreciate it. I do. But I'm an adult now and I can pull my own weight. I thought this over thoroughly and I know I want to do this. I love school and I'm not giving up on it. It's only part time service, I'll still have my life. And besides, the money I get from my signing bonus can pay for shit that you guys can't afford. Let me do this for you guys, for my dad, please." I took a moment to let the shock wear off and his words sink in. When the hell did my son turn into the man of the family? I let out a breath that I did not realize I was holding in before I spoke. "I'm not happy David, not by a long shot. But, I'm proud of you for still doing what you feel is right for you even though you knew I wouldn't be down. It takes a man to go with the unpopular decision even if it means it goes against what other people expect. I'll support you no matter what Ð even if I don't agree." And I would. He was my boy, the only one I would get. "Don't tell dad, OK. At least not until I get a chance to tell him when I come visit in the winter. I know he'd worry and I don't want that." And I couldn't help but agree. Neil didn't need anything else piled unto his plate at the moment. "I won't David. But this convo is far from over. We're gonna have a real discussion face to face soon." "I know". We spent the next few minutes catching up. Him sharing all the details on his classes, college life and the dating scene down there. I was tempted to give him the safe sex talk again but had to remind myself that David was a grown ass man with a good head on his shoulders. A noise in the bedroom alerted me to the fact that Neil was up so I quickly ended my call with David, promising to catch up with him mid week. "No worries. Tell Dad I love him and I'll try and call him on Monday." "Cool. Will do. Love you David and be safe." "I will." Once our call ended, I got up from the sofa and walked towards the master bedroom. Stepping through the door, I was surprised to see Neil standing up, face planted in the full length mirror, clippers in hand. His eyes met mine through the mirror and held them. "What are you doing?" I asked, cautiously walking towards him. I watched as he raised the clippers to his head, turned it on and started running it through his hair. "I'm so sick and tired of looking sick and tired. I look like shit." I wasn't sure if he expected a response but I offered one up anyway. "You have cancer Neil. It's gonna make you feel different than what you're used to. It's OK." My words sounded lame to my own ears so I can only imagine how weak they sounded to Neil. He turned off the clippers and turned to face me, his eyes meeting mine full on. I felt a chill run through me, something I hadn't felt in a long time and it wasn't from feeling cold. "I know butÉ..I can't help but feel likeÉ.likeÉ..who the hell is gonna want me now. I mean I know I wasn't all that attractive to begin with but I still managed. I was still able to get laid." He lowered his eyes and let out a sigh. His body posture deflated a little, giving him a defeated look. It hurt me to see him look soÉ..broken. "Neil, you're still you. You're going through shit right now, heavy shit that most people will never be able to fathom. So what you've lost some weight and look a bit different. None of that shit matters to the people that care about you. You're gonna recover from this and get better and go out and make some lucky guy grateful to have you in his life. You're gonna grow old like the rest of us and watch our son get married and have babies and then all of thisÉ.shit....it's gonna be a distant memory." I wasn't going to let him even think that there was a chance for him to lose this battleÉ..not over my dead body. His reaction to my words brought a sense of relief, not much, but enough for me to not to be on edge. "You think so? You think I can beat this thing?" I don't know why I did what I did next. It was as if a feeling of nostalgia came over me and I wantedÉ.noÉ.I needed to confirm to myself that he was still here, still breathing, still fighting this demon with everything he had. I reached out and took his hand and pulled him into me. His face found the crook of my neck and his arms encircled my waist, holding on so tight, as if he were afraid I would disappear. "I'm so scared James. I'm so scared that I'm gonna die. I know I've done some pretty selfish and messed up things in my life but I'm not ready to die. I don't want to leave my son behind. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be able to make things right with you. I want to get my head straight. I don'tÉ..I don't know what to do anymoreÉ..I'm lost." And with that declaration, the tears came. Small sobs at first that shook his body ever so often but eventually they increased and took over. His back shook violently and the sounds he emitted reminded me of a wounded animal on the verge of death. My heart hurt for him and for the first time in a long time, I was at a loss as to what to do. I felt like such a loser, such a failure but I relayed none of this to Neil. Instead, I did what I knew would get his mind off of things. I gently pulled him away from me and as soon as he lifted his head, I leaned in and kissed himÉhard. My mind was rapidly trying to process what my body was doing but it didn't stop me from continuing to use my hands to feel Neil's body. He felt much skinnier than I remembered but I didn't care. This was still Neil, the guy that I was committed to for so long, whose son I helped raise, whose body was the only one that could subliminally get in sync with mine, no words needed. And it was as if I had found my way home after a very long absence. My dick was rock hard against my sweat pants and I knew that if I didn't fall back I would cum right then and there. I pulled away from him, pulling my hands squarely to my side and looked away. "Shit, I shouldn't have done that." I said, stating the obvious. This was not what he needed, what I needed. Whether or not I wanted it was a whole different matter. "I know." He responded, his voice barely above a whisper. It was so small, so broken, so unlike Neil that it overrode my basic common sense leading me to cradle his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me and me at him. "I shouldn't have done that but I wanted to. What are we doing Neil? What am I doing?" The look that he gave me was one of loss and confusion but before he could utter a response, I went in again and kissed him, this time shutting out all rational thought completely. And I had to admit that it felt good to be physical with him again. I felt his body respond to mine, his hardness rubbing against my own and before I knew what was happening, I found myself disrobing him, piece by piece. And for that moment, it was as if the hands of time had turned back and the last few years had been a distant dream. I knew I would probably come to regret this but on the other hand, I knew that this is what Neil needed, what we both needed and at that moment, I was going to make sure that we both got it.