Disclaimer! Do not read this if it is not legal for you to do so! This story, a work of fiction, is intended for readers 18 years old and older. (And it is none of my business anyway if you read it.)
I do not have any personal experience with the military. Everything I write comes from my own imagination and I make this stuff up as I go along. Hey, it is my fantasy; I can do what I want. Yep, that's me, stubborn to a fault. So, if you are offended by my creative license you have my pity.
I have written about 60 stories, and this is one that I keep going back to. I really like these characters for some reason and yet they are the least fantastic of my assortment. Go figure. ~Evago
Chapter 2 What am I saying?
I decided after the immensely agonizing funeral, I needed to fill up my time with anything not in the house. The funeral and reception afterwards had been filled with former foster children, their families, and friends of Jude from the Navy-how incredibly awkward that had been. Thankfully by Saturday night the house had been full of `family' so the reality of Commander Carlisle living with his gay, not related, cousin wasn't obvious. Nonetheless, I can say I deliberately avoided more than a cursory greeting with the elder general and the various other naval officers. The house was still occupied with a handful of sleepovers, and I felt desperate to get out. I left my older foster brothers in my room playing my x-box and was going down the back steps to my bike when I heard Jude's voice, "Hey, Andy?" He was outside, leaning against the house. Smoking? That made me laugh because he quit four years ago. Only when he drank did he smoke. He looked like a delinquent. I spun around on the garden path.
"Hey." I replied. He was in the shadow beside the porch, he stayed there and I walked over, stuffing my hands into my hoody. "You alright, Jude?"
He grinned, "Yeah, had enough Jack Daniels to be alright and not too alright." Ah, a controlled drinker. That's right. Jude could drink and stay upright even when he seemed like should be shit faced. Matt admired that about him. "Where you going?" He had a smoke in one hand and the bottle in another. Mom woulda kicked his ass. I smiled at the image.
"Store. I thought I'd get some cereal and other...crap of no nutritional value." It started to rain lightly. Just a mist really, the marine fog coming in and a wet cloud just landing on the town. The streets were quiet, it was late Sunday night and Beck's grocery was only open for another thirty minutes.
"Stay. Drink with me." He said, and held the bottle out to me. Now, as a rule, I don't ever drink with sexy guys. Not that it has helped me keep the fucking pricks out of my mouth, but I always thought it would be bad to get drunk around a guy I know I like and who either a) is straight b) doesn't want me c) is only going to use me. But then, I almost never drink. I found my hand closing around the neck of the glass bottle. The cap was already gone and I was lifting it to my lips in a daze.
"Oh fuck. That-" I coughed, hissing a breath in, "is awful!" I said hoarsely. It stung my lips. "Ouch!" Then a hand was around mine and Jude was lifting the bottle to my lips again.
"Just drink more." He reasoned and he kept his hand on mine and I drank more deeply this time. The burn was like a caress from him. I was drinking because he was asking me to. Oh god. I am really gone. I. ...Think Jude is my first real sexual obsession. This isn't just a circumstantial attraction. The sensation of falling in lust with him is like a freight train. Pushing the bottle back into his hands I shake my head.
"I...let me breathe." I can't read that expression on his face. Really, I am looking for any sense that he either knows I am starting to react to him as a man, or that he is thinking about me sexually. Same thing you might say, but it isn't for me. I see attractive men all of the time. But, I don't react to every single one of them. In fact, very very few of them get any kind of a fantasy response from me. I didn't have it with Scott. I liked him because he pursued me. Matt, Jude's best friend is physically attractive. I don't think of him as a `man,' with that awareness that I would have sex with him if he wanted to. Now, if he did, I might respond. But, the men who I respond to without their interest in me are few and far far between.
I am lying to myself when I tell myself I never felt this way about Jude before. But, I sure as hell have not allowed it to be conscious. However, I know exactly when I started to erode the wall I built around it. It was the day I realized she had fucked someone else. Last fall.
"You never did party much did you?" He asked suddenly as if he was trying to think of something to say. Oh shit, was I staring at him. His weird little half smile didn't tell me a damn thing.
"I am only 19, I have time." I replied and realized I was actually starting to get damp. I moved in closer to the wall, under the eaves. It was then that I realized we were near the dryer vent. It wasn't particularly warm, but it was warmer. "How do you think I met Scott?" Oh shit, did I want to go there?
"Heh. Well, that doesn't say much for your parties, now does it?" He laughed. Well, that's a relief. He is a little drunk. "He told you he was gay didn't he?" I guess not that drunk.
"Yep. You know the drill. Guys aren't gay if all they do is receive oral sex or even fuck a gay guy." I reached for the bottle, "I have fallen for it a couple of times. But, this time it really hurt only cause...cause of Mom and stuff." I drank and coughed again, he took the bottle this time. "I just can't tell."
"If he shows up here, I am going to have to beat the shit out of him. Hell, I might go looking for him." He said grimly, defending my honor. Well that felt really good.
"That would be awesome. But, we'll see. I am sure he will try again, they always do." I sighed, "I won't fall for it this time, I am not that hard up."
Jude grunted. "This time? Christ Andy, you're so young. You let some guy use you and then you-"
"Hey! It happens to straight people too! Some guy says he loves you, but all he wants is sex...then you realize he doesn't love you, but he still has some kind of power...and it takes a couple of tries to really break it off. It sucks for your feelings of self worth, but everyone wants to be loved." I shivered.
"That is the kind of thing that happens to girls." He said. Well yeah, Jude, I thought. In that way, I am the girl in the relationship. "And yeah, I am guilty of that, well not that bad. But I had a girlfriend in high school; I knew I didn't love her. But I stayed with her and told her I did. Because if I broke up with her I wouldn't get laid for the weeks it would take to get another girlfriend."
"Jude, I am gay. I am supposed to be emotional about sex. And I guess that is my role," Oh shit, god, I cannot tell this stuff to Jude. "Oh shit, can we not have a discussion about my sex life."
Jude was laughing, "Yeah, it is not the best conversation to be having. But, I am not the one ...well okay, I am to blame too. But, I don't mind. It is strange though." He said and drank from the bottle. The swish of the liquid seemed loud.
"You suddenly seemed to get comfortable telling me about it since that infamous shower curtain incident." I wonder if he realized what was even funnier? Or make that astounding, because he marked that moment in his life as the time he started to even think of me as having a sex life, rather than the moment he became sure his marriage was over. I started laughing.
"That was so embarrassing." I took the bottle from him this time and his eyes widened as I drank deep. It doesn't sting anymore.
"Why embarrassing?" He took the bottle back and took a cap out of his pocket and capped it, setting it up on the porch over my head. His arm rose over me, his warm male scent, the one I am so familiar with. How many times have I held his dirty clothes up to my chest as I carried them to the laundry room? Oh god, when did I start recognizing that I liked his smell? Forever ago.
"Why? Um, I was naked." That wasn't it, but it sounded good.
"Nothing to be embarrassed about, far as I could tell." He grinned at me and his arm went around my neck and he squeezed me congenially. So, um, why didn't he let go? Why didn't I move?
"I wasn't thinking. And the more I tried to not be hard, the harder I got. It had a mind of its own, and I was pretty freaked out about it." If I could take back the next words I just might, because that was the moment when we stepped off the dock and went right in over our heads, "It isn't like I go around thinking about you two watching me shower or anything. It was just, blam there you were..." Oh ugh. I shut up, snapping my mouth shut. I just told him I liked him seeing me naked. Didn't I?
And he didn't miss it. "You sure? So, lemme ask you, Andy." He turned and his hands were on the wall beside my head, "How long have you thought my best friend is hot?"
I couldn't help it. I snorted. I closed my eyes, his face was too close and it made me a little dizzy. Problem, I got dizzier with my eyes closed, "He's attractive, yep." Woot! I managed a fabulous deflection. I giggled. My eyes popped open when he didn't move, and then he did move, his hand went behind my neck and he held me there.
"And me?" He whispered roughly and he kissed me. Not just a soft brush. Not a question. A kiss. His lips came over mine, parted and moist, and tasting. His tongue didn't hesitate when I opened to him on a gasp. Jude had his tongue in my mouth, and he came up against me fully, his body pinning me to the wall. He tasted of Jack Daniels, and maybe, distantly a little smoke, and sugar from the cobbler Mrs. Wellerson had made. But, mostly, he tasted like Jude. His tongue was sure, and he played with my lower lip with this tongue, his teeth, his lips. It was a real kiss. A, I want your mouth, and I want you to know I am here thinking of you--kiss. I kissed him back but I didn't grab him. I flattened my hands on the wall behind me, like I was clinging to gravity plating. If I let go I would fly out and be plastered all over him and that would be a disaster not worth contemplating. Slowly he pulled back and my eyes popped open and we stared at each other. Stop, oh god, stop, Jude! I screamed this in my head. Yeah, but I wasn't moving.
I had definitely responded. But, and this is huge but, he knew that I was pretty freaked out by that kiss. His eyes narrowed a little, "I shouldn't do that." He asked almost. He said it, but there was a hint of a question there. He was staring at me. The heat of his breath was on my lips and his nose was touching mine.
"I think...maybe not." I agreed. He nodded and... kissed me again, this time harder, his teeth stinging my lips and his other arm went around my lower back and he literally lifted me up against him. This time it was more than his chest and his mouth, he fitted my agonizing arousal right up against his. The palm of his hand was open on my ass. On my ass. Not over my jeans. He had his hand under the waistband of my too loose pants and under my boxers.
This was bar none, the most erotic first kiss of my life. Had I ever been kissed before? He was involved with my mouth. I felt ever centimeter of my lips with his. The rough brush of his chin on mine was abrading me. He had a days growth of hair on his face, and I felt it. I shave maybe twice a week. Not Jude. He shaves every day. But this was far more than a kiss; this was an all over assault. His hand was kneading my ass. I mean, hot strong fingers and the cup of his broad palm, it wasn't still. He was petting me. His fingers slid down, and back up pulling gently parting me. And if he pushed his hand down again he would be ...and he did. His fingers were there, pressing in the damp secrets of my body, just brushing the tender skin but he was there, and I whimpered and he broke the kiss.
"Jude." I begged, shaking my head. Please don't do this. I thought. He groaned and pressed his mouth against my ear.
"Andy...you want me to stop, don't you?" He licked my ear. Then he sucked gently on the soft skin below, and then lower and I realized as his teeth grazed my shoulder, he was giving me a hicky. I shivered and his fingers squeezed and he was very nearly going to enter my body with them.
"Yes, Jude. Please stop..." I begged but my body wasn't stopping him, I was pushing against his fingers. "Oh god...I am gonna cum." The words wrenched from me, and sounded like a sob of grief.
He jerked upright and his eyes were on mine, his fingers tightened and he lifted me, his finger entering my body with a sharp thrust and his cock slamming into mine in a deliberate jolting caress and I came, he took my scream in his mouth. He groaned back into me and rocked his hips shuddering against mine. I wasn't the only one flying apart. He held me, impaled on his finger for a long shaking time. His mouth softened and he kissed me gently, no tongue. Just his lips teasing mine, apologizing. Gently soothing. But I was shaking. Slowly, he released me. He slid his hand free of my pants and straightened, letting go of me entirely. And I ducked under his arms and walked slowly in the house.
I tugged my sweatshirt down and ducked into the mudroom. Down the hall the kitchen was quiet and Grandpa Ellis was snoring in the living room as I slipped past and made my way up three sets of stairs to my room. The guys had gone to the guest room to bed. The house was quiet. I stripped off in the bathroom and washed. The man in the mirror who stared back at me was unfamiliar. I had never seen this face before. My lips were swollen, there was a red mark on my neck that my shirts were not going to cover and my eyes were burning with emotion and swimming in tears.
My semen drenched my pants. But, it wasn't only mine. He came too, and I was wet from the outside as well. I wished I could have tasted it. I closed my eyes. What am I thinking!?
The answer was, I was not. We can't go down this road. Period. Our lives are intertwined. If we fuck this up with a stupid sexual thing it is the rest of our lives we are fucking up. If I lose him this way, I lose the only family I have. I can't do that. I fell asleep crying. I wasn't just weeping softly, I was crying. I missed Mom. If Mom were here it would never have happened. Ever. The boundary that kept Jude from being in my sexual universe would have remained.
Liar. It was getting thinner as years passed.
I fell asleep on that thought.