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I can feel his eyes on me again.
I don't know why...but he just stares at me sometimes. Jayce, I mean.
He never used to do that before. Not until a couple of weeks ago, that is. The 8th grade is difficult enough to handle without having some other boy literally gawking at you for eighty five percent of your class period.
I don't know why he's become so interested in me all of a sudden. It doesn't make much sense. It's not like we're friends or anything. Sure, we know each other well enough to recognize one another's faces in the school hallways...I mean, if he snatched some lady's purse on the street, and the cops asked me to pick him out of a criminal line up, I could do so with no problem. But outside of that? Jayce and I were just 'classmates'. A connection that was more attributed to chance scheduling methods than any kind of common interest. Then we were paired up to do a class project together. It was just for one period. A forty five minute stretch, at best. Teachers pair us up all the time. It's not like there was anything particularly special about filling out a Periodic Table's missing elements in science class. But...I don't know...things got weird with him after that.
Ever since the day we sat side by side, turning the pages of a textbook together and looking over at each other's worksheet to make sure that we both had the right answers...Jayce has been an increasingly awkward mess around me. What the heck happened? Everything was so...'normal' before. He was a boy, I was a boy, and we giggled and told jokes and talked about video games and old Naruto cartoons. But now? Things are soooo different. Sometimes he avoids talking to me at all. Other times...it's like he's forcing himself to talk to me...but he gets so shaky and nervous that he can hardly get more than a few words out without looking like he's about to be SICK! I swear, if that boy throws up on me, I'm going to be so pissed! Ewww!
He's so 'clumsy and backwards' now that I end up, naturally, becoming 'clumsy and backwards' in response. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel weird. He doesn't act like that around the other boys in our class. Just me. I mean...what did *I* do? Is he mad at me? Does he think I'm some kind of a geek or something? Why can't he just talk to me like a normal human being anymore? It's like...one day he seemed like he'd be a cool friend to have around, and the next...some kind of alien 'boy switch' got turned on in his head...and now he treats me like I'm going to burn him if I so much as lay my hands on his bare skin.
With all of these obvious hints and clues, one would think that I'd just come to the conclusion that he didn't like me anymore and leave the whole thing alone. Or figure that maybe somebody had spread some kind of stupid rumor about me, and now he didn't want to be seen talking to me. I don't really know if that's the case, but if that's what happened, I'm willing to bet all the money in my pocket that it was Katie Weckenbauer! She's such a gossiping bitch!
But...then there's the staring.
Like, it's not like he just casually looks around the room and his eyes just happen to land on me for a lingering glance or something. No...it's more like...he targets me on purpose. Like...there's this intense longing in his eyes that makes me think he actually wants to talk to me like he did before. But whenever I approach him, like, "Hey, Jayce! What's up?" his cheeks turn all red and he practically runs away from me like I'm going to stab him with a salad fork or something. WHY? All I said was hello? I didn't have time to do or say anything more offensive than that.
The strange thing is, I never really felt the nagging need to go out of my way to talk to him before he started avoiding me. One minute, he's smiling at me, acting like everything is cool...and the next, he's willing to do whatever he can to get away from me. Now, it's almost an obsession for me to get him to interact with me. He makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, and I just want to prove to him that I'm ok. Does that make sense? Whatever. I just...I want my 'kinda, sorta, friend, but not really my friend' back!
Shit...I just looked over at him, and he's still watching me! We just finished taking a pop quiz, we all have to be quiet until everybody else is finished, and he literally has his head down on his desk right now...staring at me! Like...with a heavy sigh, and this barely visible smirk on his face. What the heck is his problem?
His eyes are so dark. But, like...this really warm kind of dark. Super brown, and super big. Almost like a baby deer's eyes, but...I don't know...prettier. Do I sound like a homo when I say that? I always get the tiniest little queasy sensation in my lower stomach when I think about Jayce like that.
Ohhhh...wait a minute!!! Could that be it?
What if Jayce thinks I'm GAY or something? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to be seen talking to me for too long. People might think he's gay too if we look too cuddly over in some corner somewhere, all alone. Just...talking about...stuff.
Ugh! Queasy feeling...
Damn you, Katie Weckenbauer! This has got to be her fault! That sounds exactly like something she would say about me behind my back too!
Oh great, now he's getting all bashful and red in the face again. Just because I caught him looking at me. See??? What did I do wrong? NOTHING! I swear! What the heck made him go all wiggly and weird THIS time? I tried to think about whether I made a funny face or something. I don't think I did. I barely even blinked.
I'm so confused right now.
It looks like he is too.
That may be the most bewildering part of the whole situation. I don't even think he knows WHY he's, like...mad at me. If he did, he wouldn't keep gazing at me from across the classroom like that. Looking all dreamy eyed and silly-faced like he is. I look back at him again, and he gets scared and turns away so fast that his elbow accidently knocks his textbook on the floor. The whole class heard it fall, and then he got even MORE red in the face. What's that about? I guess I'm to blame for that too.
I'm starting to think that it might be some kind of mental illness that hits you when you're 11 or 12 years old. Like chicken pox or the measles. I've got two older sisters, and I think they caught it too a few years back. My sister, Amy, was mostly a tomboy when we were little. She used to play video games and climb trees and watch funny stuff with me on YouTube. Then...one day, for no reason at all...she started hanging Justin Bieber posters up on her wall. I'm all like, "Who the heck is Justin Bieber?" And she actually got really ANGRY with me for not knowing! Within just a couple of days, I wasn't even allowed in her room anymore. More posters got put up, and there were magazines all over the house, and I swear she had the same five songs playing in her room on repeat for like six months straight. All he said was 'Baby, Baby, Baby' all day. Every time I tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with her, she just told me that I wouldn't understand, and she'd get frustrated and stomp off with an attitude.
Our oldest sister, Cara, did the same thing with that collection of 'High School Musical' DVDs and that Zac Efron guy. It happened almost the exact same way. One day, she's your average girl with a brain and some level of common sense...and the next? The switch gets flipped on and she becomes a big goofy mess who is suddenly annoyed by the fact that I would dare come between her and her quality time spent with a random DVD and a bunch of wall posters. Is that a puberty thing or what?
I mean, we got taught about love and sex in Health class. I KNOW what puberty is. You grow tall and get hair and get boners during the day...and sometimes when you sleep. I get all that. It's a part of growing up when you're my age. I just can't see myself falling in love with a 2-dimensional picture of some guy who lives waaaaay on the other side of the country. Hell, if I can't take the BUS there, it might as well be living on another planet. What's the point?
Shouldn't love be a cool thing? Why does it make people so miserable? I'd think it would be, like...the best feeling ever. What's everybody so scared and goofy and irritable about?
Anyway, that's not exactly the same thing as what's going on with Jayce. At least...I don't think it is. He can't be in love with me, I'm a boy. Just like he is. And I don't even HAVE a poster for him to hang on his wall.
There are gay boys out there in the world somewhere, I'm sure. But not Jayce. There aren't any gay people around here for miles. At least I've never met one. Besides, it's not a 'sex thing' with him. It's not like I caught him looking at my junk or trying to grab my ass or anything. That's gay stuff, right? Jayce doesn't do that. He...he looks at my eyes when he stares at me that way. He literally squirms whenever he sees me run my fingers through my blond hair. Sometimes he gets weak and trembles when he openly makes comments on how much he likes the shirt I'm wearing, and he shivers with glee whenever we're sitting close to each other and he accidentally touches my hand. Sometimes I think he's staring directly at my lips when I talk to him, and nothing else. And I could swear that one time...in the cafeteria lunch line...he deliberately leaned forward to sniff my shoulder! What the heck is he smelling my shoulder for? It was pizza day, too! I doubt I had any chance of smelling any better or any worse than Junior High, octagon shaped, pizza on a Wednesday afternoon!
I actually went to the school bathroom after that to smell my own shirt to see what he might be so fascinated with. I didn't smell anything out of the ordinary. I just smell like...'me'. I mean, don't I? 'Sniff'...whatever. Apparently, my 'me' smell was enough to give Jayce a serious thrill though...because I think he did it more than once.
I wish I knew what I did to make things so drastically uncomfortable between us. I wish I knew why he thinks every word that comes out of my mouth is so funny that it causes him to giggle until he's holding his stomach with both hands to keep from falling over. More than anything, I wish I knew why he spends every moment of our science class looking at ME instead of paying attention to what the teacher is saying. If I had to be honest, it's more intriguing than 'creepy'...but I can't, for the life of me, figure out what he might want from me. Or why he only seems to want it from me, and nobody else.
Maybe someday I'll figure it out. Who knows? Jayce is really cute. He always has been. It's not like I never noticed, I just never knew what to do with that information. Maybe when we talk some more...he can tell me what's on his mind. We can hang out more often. Maybe even have a sleepover every now and then. It might be fun to make a new best friend. That's kind of hat I want him to be...my new best friend. In fact...the more I think about it...the nicer that sounds. Couldn't tell you why, I just do.
Yeah. Spending more time with Jayce might actually settle things down a bit. We can hang out together. I don't know why, but he just seems like he would make a good companion for me. I can definitely see myself being around Jayce much more often. Wow...his eyes are REALLY brown, you know that? Great...now I'm looking over at him too! Did I just sigh out loud? Dammit...feeling queasy. This is weird. Whatever he's got, it might be contagious.
I think I'm feeling a little shaky. Brown eyes. Like...totally brown! So....soooo brown! Why is he so 'pretty'? It doesn't make any sense for me to feel this way. Can other boys be...pretty? Because Jayce is. At least I think he is. When I actually take the time to focus on...you know...how he looks...well, I mean, if I was a girl (Which I'm *NOT*),but I guess I could see a girl kissing him. At least on the cheek. Or...the lips. Maybe the...maybe the neck...
Shit! What the hell am I doing to myself?
It's so hard to concentrate when a SUPER cute boy is just 'staring' at you like that. Looking all...all cute and...and...and CUTE! Or maybe even...HOT!
What's going on here? Am I...am I starting to dream about him too now? When did THAT happen? He does seem awfully cute to me though. He has nice lips. Really nice lips. I can't stop thinking about his lips.
Jayce has a really nice...'everything'.
Sighhhhh....he really does.
Damn. I'm infected by this stupid illness, aren't I? What did his sudden smothering of boyish attention do to me? I can feel myself trembling already. Violent tremors that are pushing Jayce further and further up on a pedestal that I don't feel like I totally understand yet. What am I going to do NOW? Jayce doesn't have any posters of himself to hang on my wall. And...
I don't have any posters of him either. Which makes me feel kinda sad.
I don't know if I like this.
Whatever it is that he infected me with...I'm going to find a cure for it as soon as possible. Don't worry. I'm not going to allow myself to be switched on before my time. I refuse. Life is simple. I want it to stay that way. I just...I wish he'd stop looking at me like that. Does he want a kiss? Because he's making me want to kiss him now!
When is this class going to be over???
Finally, the bell rang, and our teacher told us what pages to read for tomorrow. I saw Jayce get up and sling his backpack over his shoulder before looking me directly in the eye again. He was soooo close to me. Why am I shaking??? What the hell happened to my sense of stability in the world???
"Hi..." He said softly. Ugh! He says everything so SOFTLY! Why? Do I like that? I feel like I do. His voice is...angelic...
"Hey..." I say back to him, and barely had enough oxygen in my lungs to keep from passing out when I spoke the words aloud.
He still blushed. He still shivered. But...he smiled at me while he was doing it. I never noticed the true beauty of his smile before today. But now? II felt much more jittery and weird inside once I did. It was just...sighhhhh....Jayce's smile was soooo adorable.
"Bye..." He said, shortly afterward.
"Ummm...bye..." I replied, watching him walk out of the classroom in front of me. There he goes...running away from me again. Leaving me with the urge to chase him down again.
Did I catch it? Am I sick? Mentally ill?
Maybe I need a doctor.
I got my school books together, trying to shake these confusing tingles out of my arms and legs as I attempted to let real life take hold of me again. But there was something about that delightful confusion that lingered within me. It suddenly made me want to see Jayce again right away, but was willing to settle for the repeated memory of his sheepish grin as his sweet voice rang in my ears. That smile was pretty damn cute, wasn't it? It was just...I don't know...I thought it was sexy.
Whatever. Back to reality...
Maybe I'll think about this more later on. No need to tangle up my thoughts in something so strange when I don't have to. As long as Jayce doesn't hate me, I'll be ok.
Yeah...I think I'll be ok.
The hard part is to stop thinking about him now. I've got a math test next period...
I might need some decent brain power for that...