Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2003 17:23:20 -0400
From: nemo-x@sympatico.ca
Subject: Tears in Montreal

Utterly true...

I was cruising the streets looking for something.  Looking for love?
Looking for sex?  God I dunno... I'm 18 and it was a Friday night.  My last
night in Montreal.  I was depressed.  Half the reason I went was to go see
a certain dude, but he decided to ditch me for his ex's cottage, without
telling me, after he spent the last day telling me he needed to see me and
made me feel all important.  The other half... to get drunk off my arse
with sum friends.  And after two days of being checked out by old men,
drinking, and emotional turmoil brought on by certain people, I was at an
all-time low.  So I let one girl stay in my hotel room and make out with
her new found boytoy, and took my other buddy and my best friend out for
some munchies.

So I did the usual thing, threw on some jeans, my docks, a tight red asian
shirt, and threw on about five different necklaces.  Spiked my hair... with
shaving cream of all things cuz well... I just happened to forget to pack
one little thing and had to be resourceful.  Threw on my black visor and
called it set.  We all had a lot on our minds but I had far more in my
desires.  The second I stepped onto St. Cathrines I was scanning the
streets like a lil tiger.  I wanted boy meat =( I was hella hungry.

But within five minutes of walking up the street, two lil dudes decked out
in black and white anarchism just stepped up.  He checked me out completely
obvious to me and everyone with me and looked back on me with a genuine
smile on his face... and an undescribable look in his eyes.  He had the
most incredible blonde hair, and his smooth boy skin was like glowing with
energy.  He was so beautiful to me in that flash second, I wanted to touch
him but I froze.  I always wanted to be impulsive, like my best friend, who
just takes what she wants when she wants it, but something stopped me.
Maybe disbelief that someone even took an interest in me at first glance.
I am in no way ugly or anything... and I try to look good, and keep boyish.
But I really have self esteem issues and maybe that's what held me back.
Hell she told me to chase after him but I just couldn't.  So in a flash he
was there and gone, I looked back and he just kept walking.  I was gone
from his mind but he remained in mine.

Pretty pathetic huh?  Well not really... I've had my fair share of being
checked out, but this was different.  There was something special about the
way he looked.  I can't describe it. We ended up walking a block to some
cheap-ass pizza place, and we bitched at each other for a while.  And out
of nowhere I just... started to cry.  Cry for what I dunno.  That my
ex-bestfriend (who I left in the hotel room) had six months to live?  That
she just might be lying about it for attention?  That I needed a quick love
and let the one flash chance I MIGHT have had at something that whole trip
disintegrated before me due to my lack of confidence?

Sigh... life's like that.  And its things like this, the boy, the one
second, the look in his eyes and the way he made me feel since, and knowing
full well he was right in front of me, but I just didn't have it in me to
do something about him... remind me that fate doesn't exist outside
ourselves.  It's up to us to take control, and not to whine and say `it
wasn't meant to be' when we realize just what was going on.  Its also this
kind of crap that reminds us we're actually alive.  He was special.  So am
I.  So this is what they call reality.  And I'm still thinking of him.
Where are you...

nemo-x@sympatico.ca