Warning: This story doesn't contain any sex. It's the story of gay teens. None of the characters are based on real people, nor are they meant to resemble any living or dead people.

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Chuck B.

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Copyright 2010, 2011, 2012

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This Is Seth

Chapter 14

Getting Lonely

I walk in from school and retire immediately to my room. As I enter, I make sure to close the door behind me. Luckily, everyone knows that when my door is shut that I don't want to be disturbed. For the most part, everyone gives me my space. Not having Scottie around is killing me. I need to find a new friend. I don't want to replace Scottie, but I need someone who understands what it means to be gay; someone who knows what it feels like to lose friends after coming out, or what it means to be treated like crap for being gay. What I would love to find is a boyfriend.

My loving siblings have already said that they would find me a boyfriend. I'm really not happy about their offer, but I'm not going to tell them that. Who knows, Sam might do an okay job at it, but not Paul. He has no idea what I like in a guy. His idea of a perfect guy would be a jock like me. Sure, a jock would be nice, because we could work out together and whatnot, but I wouldn't mind a change. Maybe someone more into, oh, I don't know, academics. Maybe someone who is sensitive. I'd rather find my own my own guy, but once Sam sets her mind on something, there is no stopping her. They are awesome and I love them dearly. Now can they just convince Scottie to talk to me again?

I have felt like crap ever since Scottie walked away. How in the world do I get him to talk to me? I sound like I am in love with the guy. I just miss his companionship. He has to feel the same way about me. He has to miss hanging out together. He has to miss our friendship. How could he just walk away? He knows me better than any guy at church or at school. I guess he felt betrayed when I told him that I was gay. Maybe, he needs an adjustment period. I hope he comes around and sees that I haven't changed. If either of us has changed, it's him. What I'm afraid of is that the longer he goes without talking to me, the harder it will be for him to chat with me again. If he would just come back, it would be awesome.

 

As I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, my phone rings. It's weird how often that happens to me. It only rang twice though. I looked at the Caller ID and it said "Scottie". Does he want to talk or not? What is keeping him from talking to me? It's like he wants to reach out to me, but he's battling with himself. At some level, he wants to talk with me, but he's been taught that homosexuality is evil. He was told that I'm wrong, that I'm a sinner and that he should avoid me. The phone rings again. This time it's my mom. Sometimes, she calls to check on me when my door is shut.

"Seth, tell me what's wrong."

"I'm lonely." Bottom line is this feeling, this insanity.

"I'm sorry sweetie."

My mom is one of the few people I know who is capable of giving hugs over the phone. She is amazing. More than amazing, she is awesome.

"Mom, Scottie called again today."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he only let the phone ring twice though."

"I take it you didn't answer it?"

"Nope, I didn't. Maybe next time, huh?"

"Look at this way son, at least he is thinking of you."

You know, I've never looked at it that way before. Maybe, he really does just need more time to sort things out in his head. I just wish he would hurry up and do it. Every ounce of me is lost without him, and yet I am not in love with him. All I know is that this loneliness is wearing on me.

It's days like this where it eats at me. I really dread days like this. See, today has been a quiet day. There is no homework, no projects to do for school. On the days that Mom and Dad are out, or when the house is quiet, I find myself wanting the companionship of my friends. I long for the phone to ring, but it never does. I withdraw from the world and just exist. I lock myself in my room and write. What comes out usually isn't half-bad, but it comes out with hints of my mood in it. At least the sadness is wearing itself down as I write. It's a good thing that I'm letting it out. It's weird how what I see as sadness is sparking new material.

Come to think of it, Mom hit on something last month. She mentioned that I could be depressed, and I think she is right. Everything points to it, from the almost constant sadness to my withdrawing from the world. I've never had a problem with depression before in my life. I guess it was brought on by the stress that I've been under lately. If things don't start going smoother, then I'm going to ask my mom for an appointment.

Since I'm not hanging with my best friend, I've been spending more time with my siblings. Spending time with my brothers and my sister has always been important to me. A lot of my time is being spent with them lately. Ryan loves the time that we spend together, and I love it too. I think Paul and Samantha are a little more unenthusiastic about it. They like it, but they know that I'm not happy. Ryan just knows that his big brother is spending time with him.

Something about today has reminded me about my brother and sister's commitment to finding me someone to love. It seems to be strong. They've already suggested a couple guys to me. I've turned them down though. One thing about doing it this way is that no one gets hurts. In a way, I am hoping that they don't find me someone. For one thing, I've never been a fan of being set up. The very thought of it almost makes my skin crawl. How do I say no to them? I guess it's best to just wait and see whom they find for me.

I left my room, only to find Mom coming up to see me with a concerned look on her face. The expression foreshadows a conversation that is about to take place.

"Seth, you really need to get out more."

"Mom, where am I supposed to go?"

"Well, you could always hang out with Devin and Paige."

She didn't look very happy.

"Well, maybe you could find a new friend."

The problem is, where do I find a new one? There doesn't seem to be a supply of people who would make good friends. Who knows, maybe someone will come along.

"Even if you don't want to hang out to make new friends, you can go places with the family."

My eyes rolled up into my head at the very thought. I love my family, but I don't want to spend every minute of every day with them.

"You can roll your eyes all you want, but you're going to get out more. Case closed!"

Mom is not messing around. She is being very serious. All of a sudden, she was left my room. I returned to my room only to find my dad standing in my doorway with an expression that screamed, "I'm sorry!"

"Mom told me that I'm taking you and your brothers for some time away from the house."

The minute Dad said that "Mom told me", I knew she told him so that she could force me to get out more.

"Where are we going?" I am hoping that he will say hiking. I would love to get on some trails. I miss hiking with the guys on Saturday; it's something we would do just on a whim at least one or twice a month. Dad just shrugged his shoulders and walked out. When I got downstairs, Paul and Ryan were already dressed and waiting on me.

"Hey do you know where we're going?

"Nah, Dad doesn't know. I asked him before he went up to talk to you."

"I'm hoping it's not to eat `cause I'm not hungry."

Dad walked out to the car, opened the driver's side door, popped the trunk, and then put his backpack in there. My brothers and I walked to the car. Opening the back passenger side door and helped Ryan get settled. Paul hopped into the back seat next to Ryan. As I turned to get into the front passenger seat, my little brother spoke up.

"Seth, sit with me."

How could I refuse? So Paul and I switched seats.

"You're spoiling him, big brother."

I guess Paul doesn't remember how often I did things with him when he was younger.

"Yeah whatever, man." I am not doing anything that I haven't done before.

"Are you happy little man?" Dad asked.

Ryan gave Dad a big thumbs-up.

"Okay Paul, since you're up front, where are we going?"

"Hiking!"

"Okay, and where would you like to go hiking?"

Paul thought over the choices open to him.

"How about Indiana Dunes State Park?"

"Sounds good to me!"

Dad started the car and off we went.

 

The trip to the park will take us about a half hour. A half hour later, Dad parked the car, and as we got out, Dad again popped the trunk.

"Seth, you're responsible for the pack."

Reaching into the trunk, I pulled it out. Once I put it across my back, I waited to head out on our hike. In the meantime, Dad got Ryan out of his seat.

"Okay, head out!" Dad commanded, sounding something like a starship captain. It felt great being out amongst nature. Paul seemed to be letting it all sink into his soul. He was quiet and seemed to be contemplating everything he saw. He looks like he's a thousand miles away. Maybe there is something bugging him.

"Paul, are you okay?"

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Either he is lying or he is tired. Ryan started the hike holding Dad's hand and then after ten minutes, he came over and walked with me. It wasn't long before he was running around like a mad man. After a half hour, we started climbing up onto the dunes. Our hike along the top of the dunes led us to a lookout area. From this location, you can look across Northwest Indiana and out to Chicago on a nice clear day. I love this spot on the trail. Dad seems to be preparing for a grand speech. He came up to me and put his left arm up on my shoulder.

"Seth, is there anyone in your life?"

"Do you mean, do I have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No Dad, I'm not seeing anyone."

Can't tell if Dad is happy with my answer or not."

"Seth, Mom and I have been talking and we don't want you to go through life without someone to love."

Wow... they've given me permission to date. They didn't offer any resistance at all. I wonder what people at church will say when they find out that my parents are allowing me to date boys. That should go through the congregation like wildfire.

"Dad, are you sure?"

He gave me the dumb look that he likes to give when we say something dumb like that. I guess he's being sincere. Cool! Wonder how they'll feel about my boyfriend coming to the house. I'll ask about that later. Was this the purpose behind taking us for the day?

"Seth, Mom and I are totally serious about you having someone in your life. We don't want you to be lonely."

"Thanks, Dad."

I gave my dad a huge hug. When I did, I saw Paul staring and paying a lot of attention to Dad and me. He must have been listening to what Dad and I were saying.

Our hike continued as we made our way down the dunes, heading towards Lake Michigan. Paul and Ryan raced to the bottom of the dune. As we walked, Ryan found plenty of black and white striped zebra mussel shells. Paul looked for beach glass amongst the rocks, and he also helped me look for fossils amongst those same rocks. Dad gathered a few rocks and then, after a short while, he stopped us. I knew immediately what Dad had planned. Any time that we came on hikes to the lake, we also had a rock-skipping contest. This rock-skipping venture is going to be Ryan's first. Dad took time to teach Ryan how to skip the rocks. I think he was having a blast doing it too. Ryan never got any to skip, but he thought it was cool to watch the rocks as they skipped across the water. After we skipped all of our rocks, we walked to a very small portion of the beach , about 400 ft, and then headed for the car. Ryan saw the playground and that was all it took.

"Daddy, I want to play."

"For ten minutes, okay?"

"Okay!"

Dad pushed him on the swing for five minutes. When the ten minutes was up, he was done and ready to go home. Dad had me put Ryan into his car seat, and then he told the rest of us to get into the car. I couldn't get Dad's comments to me out of my mind.

For the entire ride home, I had his words running through my head. When we got home, I had to kick back and relax. Mom deserved a hug, but first I want to write it in my journal. Going up the stairs, I went to my room. Again, my dad's comments ran through my mind. Grabbing my pen and journal, I went to work on the entry. As I wrote, my ears detected the sounds of people in the backyard, so I looked outside. Sam and Paul were outside talking. They looked like they were up to something.

I went downstairs and out the patio door to the backyard. It didn't take them long to spot me. My siblings came up to me with smiles on their faces. Immediately, I knew this meant trouble.

"So big bro, Dad and Mom are going to let you date?"

"Yeah, it looks like they are, Paul."

"We just wanted to remind you that we are going to find someone for you."

"I haven't forgotten." I actually wanted to forget that they made that promise. "Honestly, you two, don't have to do that, I'm capable of finding my own guy."

"Yeah but this way, we get someone we like."

I heard Paul snicker at Sam's comment. I snickered too as I went back into the house. I heard the patio door open, and Paul and Sam entered the house as well. Paul gave me a very serious look. Whatever he has to say must be important because there is no smile on his face.

"Look, I know you think we're being pains, but Sam and I hate seeing you lonely."

Sincerity was stamped across his face. They are true friends.

"I appreciate your concern. Thanks, Paul."

When they went their separate ways, I went into the kitchen to get a drink. It wasn't long before Mom came into the room.

She sat down at the breakfast nook and called me over to her. I sat next to her and waited for some sort of lecture. She had a warm smile on her face. There was also a glow about her.

"Seth..." She put her hands on mine and looked into my eyes. "I'm so happy to have you in my life. I feel bad that you've been suffering the last few months. Are you doing okay?"

Mom knows that I've been suffering in secret and some in public. Mom and Dad love me and nothing is going to change that.

"I'm lonely. I... I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Her bright smile faded as she looked wisely into my eyes. My heart sank a little bit as I saw her glow dim.

"I don't want you in pain. You're going to find a truly beautiful young man, and Scottie will come back into your life."

I don't understand how she could know that I would find someone. More importantly, how can she promise me that Scottie will be my friend again? Her gentle touch and her gentle, caring voice relaxed me and reassured me that everything would be okay.

"Seth, let your brother and sister help you. They love you and you need to trust them."

"Mom, you know that I love them. I don't understand why you stressed that."

Her face lit up. I felt a wave of love wash across me.

"I want you to know that we care about you, that others love you and cherish the time they spend with you. Now promise me that you'll give a chance to whomever they find for you."

"Okay, Mom I will."

Mom's hands left mine, and I walked to my room. I have a lot on my mind. I sat on the floor, my eyes closed and I ignored the world. I need this quiet time, it helps me think and to see more clearly. Scottie's voice seems to fill my room. "I'm back!" As quickly as it I heard it, the room was silent. Without warning, the phone rang, and when I looked at the Caller ID, my heart leaped out of my chest.

I grabbed the phone and clicked talk.

"Scottie?"

"Yeah."

I wanted to cry. I didn't think he would ever talk to me again. I'm not in love with him, but I need him. It feels good to hear from him.

"What's up?"

"I'm... I'm sorry! I've... I've missed you!" he said, and it sounded like he was holding back some tears.

"I missed you too!" I know that I'm holding back tears.

"Why did you tell me?"

I suppose that Scottie deserves an answer. I have to tell him.

"I couldn't keep hiding myself from everyone."

"So you did it knowing that you might lose a friend or two."

In his last comment to me, he nailed it on the head. I was actually hoping that everyone would be okay with it, but I knew better.

"Yeah, I knew that I might lose some friends, but I hoped that you wouldn't fall away from me. I was wrong, huh?"

There was silence. Scottie was holding back and it's not something that I'm used to. Maybe he's beating himself up for not talking to me. Even worse, maybe he is crying, or close to it.

"I was so caught up in myself that I was blinded. I'm sorry if I hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course, I forgive you. You'll always be my friend."

"Do you want to hang out?"

"Sure Scottie, your place or mine?"

I already knew the answer to this question. Scottie's parents won't allow me at their house. "Your place." Yup, that is what I thought. He might be my friend, but things have changed. We can hang out, but only at my house, or anywhere his parents won't see us together.

"See you in a few."

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*** The next chapter to be worked on will be Blake's Saga, the end of book two which will be a shocking chapter don't miss it.