Date: Tue, 13 Dec 2005 21:30:52 -0600
From: gandersn@gte.net
Subject: Alex and Zach Part 7

Disclaimer:

The usual disclaimers apply -- i.e. The story describes sexual
relationships, sometimes explicit, between consenting male adults.  If this
offends you, you are not interested in such material, or if you are not of
legal age to access such material you are advised to direct your web
browser to another page.  Although the situations described are based upon
my own experiences, the story should be considered a work of fiction.
Blah, Blah, Blah!  You've all heard this stuff before!

This is the seventh of several planned installments.  I know that this
particular piece took me longer to get out and I want to apologize to
everyone for making you wait so long.  Many of you have written me (for
which I want to thank you) concerned that I was abandoning this project.  I
can assure you that I'm not.  Writing this is beginning to take me longer
due to personal time constraints and because the story is beginning to
dredge up painful emotions and memories from my past.  I don't like facing
those, so I procrastinate.  In my own mind, this chapter is darker than
previous chapters.  There are still some light moments, but overall, I
think this one is more somber.  I know some of you will see this as a
departure from my previous writings and for that I'm sorry.  I think this
chapter is important for a deeper understanding of the characters.  I can't
say that I enjoyed writing this one, but I think it's important.  Ok!
Enough of the editorializing!

I hope/plan to add more installments as time permits but the time frames
between postings will probably be longer than what they were in the past. I
welcome, actually I love feedback, both positive and negative as long as
constructive, and comments, suggestions or questions can be directed to me
at gandersn@gte.net.  Now, onto the story...

****************************************

The room seemed full of people Zach knew.  His father, mother and brother
were sitting together talking and laughing.  Cindy and James were there,
standing close to his family, listening with interest and occasionally
adding comments of their own.  Dr. Edwards, Jason and Mark stood to one
side, but crossed the room to join the conversation.  Not one of them
seemed to notice Zach's presence in the room, no one acknowledged him at
all.  He seemed to be an invisible bystander, powerless to interact with
anyone and the situation was making him very nervous.  Very nervous!

Alex entered the room, smiling.  Immediately, Zach felt better, the knots
in his stomach loosening with relief.  Zach knew Alex would understand what
was happening, would acknowledge him, and bring him into the circle of the
conversation taking place.  Zach felt he could face anything, deal with any
problem as long as Alex was by his side.

Alex looked right past Zach, ignoring his presence, walking right by him
towards the circle of people.  Zach's mind was reeling.  If Alex had
stopped and repeatedly punched him in the stomach it would have felt better
than the cold indifference with which he passed.  Zach could feel the knots
returning to his stomach, the bile churning in his belly and burning at his
throat, and the hated tears forming in his eyes.

"Alex!  Stop.  Please talk to me!" Zach pleaded, begging to be
acknowledged.  Why was Alex doing this?  Why was he acting so cold?

Alex turned and looked at Zach, scorn across his face, his eyes cruel and
impatient.  "Oh get over yourself.  Why the fuck would I want to talk to
you?  You didn't think I really loved you did you?  You're pathetic!"

Zach was crushed.  He felt betrayed again, like so many times in the past.
It felt like the entire world collapsed around him.  The betrayal, the pain
the hurt overwhelmed him and he started screaming, "NOOOO!"

"Zach!  Come on buddy!  Wake up!  Zach.  Wake Up!  It's a bad dream!  Wake
up!"

Zach dimly heard the voice calling for him to wake up, but the voice barely
registered on his brain.  The voice was familiar, but seemed out of place,
not quite right.  He thrashed in his sleep, trying to escape, violently
tossing his head back and forth.  He could feel someone next to him,
shaking him gently and he latched onto them, holding onto them tightly and
pressing his entire body into them hoping to escape or hide.  He could feel
himself sobbing uncontrollably, weeping at the pain.

"Zachie, come on buddy.  Wake up!  It's just a bad dream.  Zachie!  Buddy
come on."

Zach finally managed to drag himself back to consciousness, opened his eyes
and stared straight into the face of the person who had been trying to wake
him, whose voice he had been hearing and who he was currently clinging to.
Zach pulled away quickly, confused and alarmed.  He had been clinging to
Jason, sobbing into his chest, practically laying on him as he had pressed
himself so close.

Zach felt another hand on his shoulder from the other side of the bed and
flinched violently away, his confusion and alarm growing.  He quickly
snapped his head around to see who had touched him and finally saw Alex.
Alex's expression was grave, concerned with even a little hint of fear in
his eyes.  Zach quickly buried his head into Alex's chest, sobbing with
fear and relief at the same time, ashamed at his own weakness, but unable
to hide it.

"Shhh.  Zach it's ok.  It was just a bad dream.  It's ok.  It's ok," Alex
murmured repeatedly into Zach's ear, hugging him tightly.  Slowly, Zach
quieted, his sobbing lessened and finally ceased altogether.  After a few
more minutes, he peeked up at Alex, a weak sad little smile across his
face.  Alex smiled back at him and gently kissed his forehead.

After a few more minutes, Zach lay back into the pillows, more than a
little embarrassed by his display.  "I'm sorry I was being so stupid," he
mumbled in a very quiet voice to both Alex and Jason.  His eyes were
downcast, but he peeked up at Jason.  "I didn't mean to cling to you like
that Jason.  I didn't realize it was you I was snuggling up to.  I'm
sorry."

Jason smiled back at Zach encouragingly, and briefly tousled his hair.
"Hey, it's no big deal.  It didn't bother me."  Jason started grinning
mischievously.  "You didn't even slobber on me much.  Not like Alex, he
drools all over when he's sleeping."

Alex took on a mock indignant expression that was ruined by his laughing.
"Yeah, screw you asshole!" he finally managed to reply to his brother.
Zach started grinning a little as the brothers insulted each other.

Jason grinning evilly continued to taunt his brother.  "Now Zach, you
should know Alex was big time jealous when he realized you were snuggling
up to me instead of him, especially when you started playing with my dick."

Zach's small grin immediately vanished and his eyes went wide with horror.
"Oh shit!  I...I didn't did I?  Oh God, I'm sorry if I did!  Oh shit!"

Jason's grin also vanished as he realized he had gone to far.  "Oh shit
Zach.  I'm sorry.  I was trying to make fun of Alex, not you.  Shit man!  I
didn't mean it, I've just got a big mouth!"

Alex was still laughing, shaking his head at his brother.  "Smooth move
Jason!  You're just so fucking brilliant some times."  Alex reached over
and started rubbing Zach's shoulders comfortingly.  "Don't worry Zach, you
didn't do anything to Jason.  He probably wanted you to, but you didn't do
anything but cuddle up to him."

Jason's eyes were hugely apologetic as he shook his head in agreement with
Alex.  "I'm really sorry Zach.  You really didn't do anything."

Zach looked from Alex to Jason, his eyes uncertain.  He was still not
totally convinced of his innocence.  It didn't matter that both Alex and
Jason said nothing happened, he still doubted.  He could see the sincerity
in both of their eyes, but they might just be trying to make him feel
better.  He just didn't know for sure.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Jason cleared his throat to break
the ice.  "It's almost lunch time.  Are you guys hungry?  I can go make us
some sandwiches or something."

Alex looked up at Jason, grinning.  "Yeah I'm hungry.  Since you offered
I'll let you make Zach and me a couple of sandwiches."  Zach opened his
mouth to start to protest but Alex cut him off.  "Don't even say it Zach.
I don't care if you're not hungry, you're going to eat something."  He
turned and looked Zach in the eye, smiling but determined to win this
argument.

Jason started laughing as he got up to head towards the kitchen.  "You
might as well give up Zach.  Alex is going to mother you whether you want
to be or not.  Just give up gracefully and spare yourself a lot of grief."

"Shut up Jason and go make something to eat," Alex shot back at his
brother, grinning at him.  Jason, grinning, flipped Alex off and left for
the kitchen.

After Jason left, Zach was quiet for a few minutes, still looking unhappy.
Finally, he looked straight into Alex's eyes.  "Tell me the truth Alex.
Did I...Did I, uh, touch Jason's..." he trailed off, unable to even finish
the sentence.

Alex smiled comfortingly back at Zach.  "I AM telling you the truth Zach.
You never touched Jason.  He would never have joked about it if you had.
Jason already knows how shy you are.  It probably wouldn't have bothered
him if you had, he just would have moved your hands away and forgotten all
about it.  Besides, even if you had touched him, it wouldn't have meant
anything.  You were asleep."

Zach was still frowning a little, still uncertain.  "I never would have
touched Jason knowingly.  You have to believe me Alex.  I swear I
wouldn't."

"Zach, relax.  I know you wouldn't.  And I swear you didn't this time
either.  You had just barely cuddled up against Jason before he woke you up
from your dream."  Alex was staring straight into Zach's eyes as he said
this.  He was pouring all his love through his eyes, trying to reassure
Zach.

Zach finally relaxed a little, still not totally certain of what had taken
place, but finally convinced that it didn't really matter, at least not to
Alex.  He finally managed to give Alex a shy, little smile as he settled
more comfortably into the pillows.  Then he grimaced a little as another
thought crossed his mind.  "Are you really going to make me eat a sandwich?
Alex, I'm really not hungry.  And my stomach kinda hurts."

Alex took on a determined expression.  "Zach, you've barely eaten anything
for the last several days besides a couple of Pop Tarts.  Your stomach
probably hurts cause it thinks you've abandoned it.  Please try and eat a
little.  Ok?"

Zach slowly nodded, a little unhappy but wanting to please Alex.  Then he
started grinning.  "Jason sure was right about you mothering me."

Alex grinned back at him.  "If you call me mom I swear I'm going to tickle
you till you wet yourself!"  Then he started laughing.  "Just be glad
Mark's gone shopping and not here.  He'd really be mothering you.  He'd
probably be hand spooning you chicken soup right now."

Jason returned carrying a tray of sandwiches and three full glasses.  "Hope
grilled cheese is ok.  I also brought us milk to drink.  I figured you
should probably have something healthy to drink Zach."

Alex started laughing really hard.  "And you were making fun of me for
mothering him.  Jason, you're worse than I am!"  Jason flipped Alex off
again, grinning at him.  The guys started eating, laughing and swapping
stories, generally enjoying each other's company.

It was later in the afternoon and the three of them were still spinning
stories for each other when they heard Mark calling out to them.  "Hey, I
could use some help unloading the car.  Do you think you can get your lazy
asses out here to give me a hand?"  Jason immediately got up and wandered
out to help his brother, but Alex turned and looked at Zach, frowning a
little, hesitating to leave.

"Go give Mark a hand.  I'll be ok by myself for a bit," Zach reassured
Alex, smiling at him.  Alex's frown deepened a little, but he nodded his
head and got up to leave.  Before getting off the bed completely, he
paused, grinned at Zach and kissed him tenderly on the lips.  Absently he
pushed the ever-present hair out of Zach's eyes then hurried out the door
to catch up with Jason.

Zach closed his eyes, not really thinking about anything in particular but
instead just allowing his mind to wander aimlessly.  With his eyes closed,
his mind was able to conjure up that stillness and aloneness that was so
familiar to him, that allowed him to think through problems and analyze the
events in his life.  Several long minutes later he heard the three brothers
returning to the room, but for whatever reason he kept his eyes closed.

Zach could feel the three of them stopping in the doorway of the room
refraining from entering.  "It looks like he's fallen asleep," Mark
whispered.  "Lets go back to the living room and leave him alone."

"I don't want to leave Zach by himself," Zach heard Alex protest, also
whispering.

"Oh come on Alex," Mark whispered back, a little exasperated.  "You're
going to smother him if you keep hovering over him.  How did you feel when
you were dating some girl who wanted to monopolize every second of your
life?  Give him some space."

"What if he wakes up confused?" Alex asked sounding a little desperate.
"Or has another bad dream?"

"Mark's right Alex and you know it," Jason whispered.  "If Zach needs you,
he'll call out for you."

"Alex," Mark whispered, "Zach isn't a little kid who needs to hold onto you
like a teddy bear to keep the boogie man away.  Now come on, let him
sleep."

"All right," Alex agreed reluctantly.  "But if you guys are wrong we're
going to have one fucking monumental fight!"

"We wouldn't have it any other way bro," Zach heard Jason say as the three
of them left.

Zach didn't really know why he had kept his eyes closed during the
brother's conversation, why he hadn't let them know he was awake.  In one
sense, it might have been a perverse pleasure of the familiarity of being
alone.  He had been alone all his life even when surrounded by people.  He
took comfort in that loneliness, the familiar feeling of isolation.  He
knew he had never developed the skill of interacting with people very well.
His family had never lived for much longer than a year in the various homes
his parents bought.  He had never had the chance to develop buddies and
friends from the neighborhood.  He had learned early on not to develop too
much of an attachment to anyone or anything, not when it could be taken
away so quickly, so easily.

Zach knew that his early school life had only reinforced his feelings of
isolation.  He had always been the outsider looking in.  He had been the
kid on the playground who stayed by himself because he was never invited to
play with the other guys.  Academically, he had excelled far beyond the
others in his class, but that only singled him out even more.  Made him
just that much more of a freak to be avoided.  The forced isolation had
forced him to develop a strong independence, but also made him socially
backwards and horribly shy.  Approaching people, interacting with them one
on one frightened him.  He had learned to deal with it to a degree, but in
the back of his mind the panic was always looming ready to devour him.  A
dark little voice in his mind always told him to avoid trusting people,
opening up to them.  If you opened up to someone, you gave him the power to
hurt you.  In the past it had always been those he had trusted who had hurt
him the worst.

That inner voice practically shouted at Zach now.  He had been pushing it
back into the corners of his mind since the accident, but had never totally
banished it.  Now that he was alone the voice would no longer be denied.
"You're letting him in too close!  It's only going to hurt you in the end.
Do you really want to go through that?  Is it really worth it?  Really?"
Zach reflected on that thought, wishing he had an answer that would satisfy
the voice.

Zach thought about Mark's comments too and just how wrong he had been.
Mark said that he wasn't a little kid needing a teddy bear to cling too.
But wasn't that what he had been doing?  He had been clinging to Alex,
drawing strength from him.  Was that an act of someone in love?  Should he
really need someone that badly?  Was he really that dependent on someone
else to chase his demons away?

For that matter, was Alex really in love with him?  Zach knew that he loved
Alex, had known it for a very long time, but did Alex really love him?  Or
was it just guilt over the accident?  Or maybe even a need to take care of
someone?  Was Alex going to wake up hating him someday, regretting that he
wasted so much time with him?

Even if Alex was in love with him, was it fair to Alex to start a
relationship with him?  Was it fair to Alex when he was so unsure himself?
Zach just didn't know if he could ever develop the trust that was so
necessary for a relationship to last.  He didn't even know where to begin,
how to even start.  Opening himself up to others, trusting them with his
feelings and thoughts had only caused him pain in the past.  Why would this
time be any different?  Could it be any different?

Wouldn't it be better just to push Alex away?  Keep him at arm's length?
Then he could be alone again.  Zach knew he was comfortable with isolation.
It was familiar.  It was a friend.  It was lonely, but you didn't get hurt
that way.  When you were alone, you didn't have to ...feel...

"NO!  It's NOT better!" Zach actually said aloud.  He still didn't have any
answers, maybe never would.  The feelings he felt for Alex still scared the
piss out of him, but he was so tired of not allowing himself to feel, well,
anything.  He was determined to at least try, take one more chance.  Alex
would never deliberately hurt him.  Zach knew that.

The dark, little voice retreated to the corners of his mind.  "We'll see,"
was all it said, abiding its time, leaving Zach wrestling with his doubts
once again.  ***

"Alex!  Stop.  Please talk to me!" Zach pleaded, begging to be
acknowledged.  Why was Alex doing this?  Why was he acting so cold?

Alex turned and looked at Zach, scorn across his face, his eyes cruel and
impatient.  "Oh get over yourself.  Why the fuck would I want to talk to
you?  You didn't think I really loved you did you?  You're pathetic!"

Zach jerked himself awake, his breathing ragged and his body covered with a
cold sweat.  Panic gripped him.  Raw, unadulterated terror coursed through
his body in waves.  Feelings of utter aloneness swept through him, leaving
him nearly gasping for breath.

For a moment, he had no idea where he was.  The disorientation confused
him, increasing his panic, but then Zach saw Alex lying next to him asleep.
Zach realized he had been having his nightmare and his momentary confusion
began to pass.  But not his uncertainty or loneliness.  Those demons
weren't chased away so easily.

Slowly Zach calmed his breathing, stilled his mind and regained a little
composure.  He stared at Alex, tracing his body with his eyes, wanting to
wake him and have Alex enfold him in his arms.  He always felt so safe in
Alex's arms.  So calm.  So peaceful.  So loved.  But he was reluctant to
seek that comfort.  Their relationship was only days old and he had already
hurt Alex, the one person he loved more than life itself.

Zach reflected on the pain he had caused, recalled it with bitter regret.
He had sat alone in Alex's bedroom, struggling with his doubts for over an
hour before Alex had checked on him.  When Alex had seen that Zach was
awake, he had come and hugged him.  Zach remembered that he had immediately
stiffened at the touch, pulling away slightly.  He saw the questioning look
Alex had given him, the brief flash of pain that crossed Alex's eyes and it
tore at his heart.  Worse when Alex had asked him what was wrong, he had
replied he was just thinking and Zach knew that Alex had detected his lie.
But Alex hadn't said a word, just smiled at him a little sadly.

Zach had felt physically ill at the pain he had caused by shutting Alex
out.  But he couldn't explain his thinking to himself, how could he
possibly explain it to Alex?  He couldn't even begin to verbalize what he
was thinking, what he was feeling, and the struggle he was having.  Worse,
Alex had continued to treat him with the same gentle love as before.  Alex
had stayed with him for the rest of the evening, talking with him quietly
but refraining from mentioning the incident at all.  Alex had said he would
let him set the pace in their relationship, and even though it was causing
him pain, Zach could see that Alex had no intention of pushing him.  And
that probably hurt more than anything, that Alex was willing to hide his
own hurt, to sacrifice his own feelings for him.

Zach continued to stare at Alex even as he wrestled with his inner demons.
Why did it have to be so hard?  He so desperately wanted to open up to
Alex, to trust him and share his inner most feelings with him.  At the same
time, the thought of letting someone get that close to him, to willingly
give someone so much of himself, scared him.  What if he opened himself up,
let himself trust and Alex ended up hating him and walking away, leaving
him alone again?  The thought that his nightmare might become reality
terrified him.

Alex was beginning to stir, coming awake in the early morning light.  He
opened his sleep filled eyes and smiled as he saw Zach watching him, his
eyes lighting up with pleasure.  "Hey, Merry Christmas Zach."

Zach smiled back at Alex, trying to hide his dark thoughts, pushing them
into the corner of his mind to struggle with them later.  "Merry Christmas
Alex," he said kissing Alex lightly.

Alex's expression became serious as he caught the note of sadness and
confusion that Zach tried to conceal in his voice.  Alex stared into Zach's
eyes for a few minutes, hesitating while he tried to decide what to say.
"Zach, I'm probably not going to say this very well," Alex started,
choosing his words carefully.  "I know something is bothering you.  I know
you are having a hard time dealing with starting a relationship with me.  I
know you have a hard time opening up to people, that you're scared that the
people you care about won't like you.  But I love you Zach.  I really do.
I'm willing to go as slow as you need to.  I'm willing to wait for you to
let me in, for you to let me help you with your struggles."

Zach felt like he was drowning.  He couldn't suck the air in fast enough to
fill his lungs.  The intensity, the fierce love of Alex's words tore at his
inner being.  He opened his mouth to try and respond, but Alex simply
covered his mouth with his fingers.

"No," Alex said simply, quietly.  "I don't want you to say anything Zach.
Just let me finish.  I'm willing to wait for you Zach.  I won't be very
good at it, I know, but I'm willing to wait.  I'm impatient.  I'm stubborn
as hell.  I won't always understand.  I'll probably get mad or get my
feelings hurt.  I'll get frustrated.  But I think it's all worth it.  I
want to be there for you.  I want to always be by your side.  And I hope
one day you'll believe that I love you as much as I do."

Zach squeezed his eyes closed trying to escape.  His body shook with the
intensity of his emotions.  He desperately tried to quiet his mind but he
couldn't achieve the stillness necessary to calm his emotions.  Then he
felt Alex pull him close, felt Alex force him to lay his head against his
chest.  He felt Alex's arms encircle him in their embrace, holding him
tightly, keeping him safe, enfolding him with peace.  Slowly, Zach's mind
stilled and he regained a measure of calm.

Zach lay in Alex's arms for some time before Mark knocked and entered the
room.  "Hey Merry Christmas you two!  You ever going to get up?"

Alex smiled at his brother.  "Merry Christmas to you too.  We'll get up
eventually but it's still early.  What are you doing up already?  Not
trying to catch Santa are you?"

Mark took on a mock serious expression.  "Alex, buddy, dad really should
have told you years ago, but Santa's not real.  Don't cry now!"  Mark
grinned as Alex flipped him off.  "I really stopped by to give Zach a
little Christmas gift.  Here ya go," Mark said as he threw a bag to Zach.
"It's nothing big, but I figured you might like to have something to wear.
I know Alex wants to keep you naked, but you might like to put something on
and join us for breakfast.  Maybe get out of this room for awhile."

Zach blushed a little at Mark's reference to his nudity, but his eyes were
shining with pleasure at receiving the gift.  "Thanks Mark!" he said
gratefully.  "I have been going a little crazy cooped up in here."

"You're welcome.  Really it's no big deal.  I would have given them to you
last night but I figured I'd wash them so you could wear them immediately."
Mark turned to leave.  "Dad's almost got breakfast ready so you guys should
get up.  I'm gonna go get Jason up."

Zach had opened the bag Mark had given him and had pulled out a couple of
pairs of flannel boxers.  He sat looking at them for a couple of seconds,
frowning before Alex noticed his expression.  "Hey, did Mark get the wrong
size or something?"

Zach looked up at Alex, still frowning a little.  "No, they're fine.  It's
just, uh, well, the only thing that's in here is boxers.  I can't just walk
around your house in my underwear."

Alex tried to keep from laughing.  "Why not?  They're boxers Zach.
Practically shorts.  Besides, everyone has already seen you naked you know.
Didn't you just ever laze around your home in your boxers?"

Zach's eyes went a little wide.  "Oh God No!  That would never had been
tolerated at my house."  He looked back down at the boxers, hesitating for
a couple of seconds.  "I guess I'm being a little stupid.  I'm just going
to feel really weird sitting around half naked."

"Well, I'd loan you a sweat shirt or something but you're bigger than Jason
and me.  That'll learn ya to get all muscular!" Alex joked.  "Seriously,
you'd probably strangle in one of our shirts.  Mark's might fit you, but he
doesn't keep his clothes here anymore so I don't know what he has.  I can
go check."

Zach hesitated again before replying.  "No.  That's ok.  I don't want Mark
thinking I don't appreciate his gift.  It really was pretty nice of him.
I, uh, I'm just going to feel weird is all, but I'll get over it."

Alex got up, yawning and stretching.  "Well, you wont be the only one out
there in boxers.  That's all I intended to wear too.  And I don't think
I've ever seen Jason eat breakfast in more than his boxers so you'll have
company.  Come on, let's go."  Alex grinned.  "I'm hungry!"

Zach started laughing as he pulled on a pair of the boxers and wobbled up
to his feet.  "There's nothing new about that.  You're always hungry!"  The
two slowly made their way to the kitchen where Zach pulled up short, a
little shocked.  The entire table was loaded with food.  Dr. Edwards had
prepared French Toast and pancakes, sausage, bacon and several varieties of
eggs.  There were fresh fruit, pastries and biscuits and there were
pitchers of milk and juice.  Zach simply stood there open mouthed.

Dr. Edwards had turned at hearing the two enter.  "Merry Christmas guys,"
he said hugging them both.  "I guess we should have warned you Zach.  We
have a tradition in this family started by the boys' mother of having a
huge Christmas Breakfast.  My cooking isn't as good as hers, but we
continued the tradition even after she passed away.  I think it help us
remember her and I think she's pleased about that."

Alex was smiling, but still looked a little sad.  "I miss her," he said
quietly.  "I know it's been ten years since mom passed away, but I still
miss her.  I think about her everyday, and, well..." Alex trailed off, just
smiling sadly without finishing.

Mark and Jason had come up behind them and Mark encircled Alex with his
arms, hugging him from behind.  "It's ok little brother," he said.  "We all
miss mom, but we have each other."  Alex smiled gratefully back at his
brother.

"You're mother would have been so proud of all you boys," Dr. Edwards said,
his voice thick with emotion.  "You've grown up to be such fine,
outstanding men.  She loved all of you so much and she would have been so
very proud of all your accomplishments.  And Zach, she would have probably
tried to adopt you within five minutes of meeting you."

Zach turned a little pink at the compliment and ducked his head for a few
seconds.  When he looked back up he was smiling a little bashfully and yet
his eyes were twinkling with mirth.  "I think I would have liked that, but
it certainly would have put a whole new spin on my relationship with Alex."

At Zach's comment, Alex turned a little red himself.  Mark, Jason and
Dr. Edwards just started laughing.  After a few moments, Alex started
laughing too.  "I'll get you for that," he said to Zach.

Zach grinned back, his eyes sparkling.  "Promise?" was all he said.

The rest of breakfast was spent laughing and joking.  The three brothers
shared favorite memories of Christmas past and Dr. Edwards shared a few
embarrassing stories about all three of them much to the brothers' chagrin.
Zach simply drank it all in, feeling a very warm, special feeling about
being included and allowed to share these private, loving family memories.

Finally, after even Alex was full, Dr. Edwards got up and started clearing
the table.  "Boys, why don't you go take your showers for the morning.
I'll clean up in here and Zach can keep me company.  It will give me a
chance to check that cut on his forehead."  The three brothers got up and
wandered off to get cleaned up leaving Zach and Dr. Edwards alone.

Dr. Edwards quickly finished cleaning off the table and took a seat next to
Zach.  He sat looking at Zach for a few seconds making no move to check his
forehead, but instead looking thoughtful.  Zach was beginning to get a
little nervous when finally Dr. Edwards cleared his throat.  "I don't
really need to look at your cut Zach.  I just wanted to talk to you
privately for a few minutes."

Zach braced himself, wondering what was coming next.  He couldn't help
wondering if Dr. Edwards was really as accepting of his relationship with
his son as he professed to be.  Was he going to ask him to end it?  Was he
going to tell him never to see Alex again?  Did he hate him for `turning'
his son gay?  Maybe Dr. Edwards blamed him.  God!  How did he get himself
into these things?

"I can tell you're nervous Zach," Dr. Edwards began.  "I'm not going to
bite you.  I don't want to hurt you at all, although some of what we talk
about might.  I hope not though.  First of all, let me tell you that I'm
very glad you came into Alex's life.  I think the two of you are good for
each other.  Alex has been very confused for a very long time.  He tried to
hide from not only his family, but also from himself.  He's not doing that
anymore and I think it's because of you.  He loves you enough to stop
hiding."

Dr. Edwards paused for a second, choosing his words carefully.  "Secondly,
Zach, I want you to know that you can tell me anything."  Dr. Edwards
smiled a little.  "I'd appreciate it if you kept the fine details out if
you want to discuss the bedroom.  I'm not sure any father is really
prepared to hear that kind of thing about his son's personal life."  Zach
laughed a little nervously and blushed at that comment.

"Seriously though," Dr. Edwards continued, "I want you to know that you can
tell me anything Zach.  I know you are having some difficulties accepting
your situation yourself.  I know you are confused and scared.  I gather
from what Alex has told me that your family may not always be supportive.
But I want you to know, that I am here for you.  And I'll try and help you
in anyway that I can."

Zach looked down at his lap, trying to keep from crying.  He looked back
up, his eyes watery.  "Thank you Dr. Edwards.  That really means a lot to
me."

Dr. Edwards reached over and lightly squeezed Zach's shoulder in support.
"Well, I meant every word.  But I can tell something is bothering you.  Do
you want to talk about it?  It might be easier talking with me about what's
bothering you than talking with Alex."

Zach looked questioningly into Dr. Edwards' eyes, debating with himself.
Finally he couldn't take it anymore.  "Dr. Edwards, I don't know what to
do.  I love Alex, but I don't even know how to be in a relationship with
someone.  I'm going to hurt him horribly because I don't know how to open
up and trust him.  I've never had a relationship with anybody before.  I
don't know anything about what to do, or how to do it, or when or why.  I
don't even know that much about sex or what to do to make Alex..."  Zach
suddenly realized what he was saying and to whom and his eyes widened in
horror.  "Oh Shit!"

Dr. Edwards grinned at Zach, his eyes sparkling.  "It's ok Zach.  You
didn't upset me talking about sex with Alex.  I imagine you are much more
embarrassed than I am.  Seriously, the two of you will figure it out, not
just the sex, but the whole relationship.  Alex already loves you for who
you are.  Just be yourself, he already loves you for that.  In time, you'll
just naturally open up more, you'll let him get close to you.  There aren't
any rules to relationships, the two of you have to make that up on your
own.  It will be hard for you, but in time you will learn to trust Alex and
share with him your thoughts and feelings.  And don't worry about being
inexperienced in sex.  The two of you will figure that out too.  I imagine
you'll probably have a lot of fun figuring it out."

Zach's ears were flaming he was so embarrassed, but he smiled in gratitude
at Dr. Edwards.  He was still confused, still nervous and unsure, but it
helped just talking about it with someone.  The discussion may not have
fixed any of the problems or relieved any of his fears, but just being able
to vocalize his doubts helped enormously.

The rest of day passed quietly.  Christmas at the Edwards' house was
peaceful, calm and relaxed, which was in sharp contrast to Christmas with
Zach's family.  The hustle and bustle, the constant level of irritation and
aggravation, the ever-present family arguments that Zach was use to were
non-existent.  Instead, quiet memories were shared and expressions of love
exchanged.  The level of comfortable peace in the house was nearly a
tangible object.  Zach wasn't even bothered about spending the entire day
in his boxers, something that surprised him greatly when he reflected on it
later.

That night, when they finally went to bed, Zach lay in Alex's arms, happy
and content even though he was naked once again.  When he had originally
crawled into bed with his boxers on, Alex had started pouting and finally
Zach gave in and took them off to make Alex happy.  He did find it ironic
that Alex insisted he sleep naked but found nothing wrong with wearing
boxers himself.  Still, it made Alex happy so Zach complied and found
himself nude once more.

As they lay in bed, Alex was absently rubbing his chest in small lazy
circles, cuddling him close and occasionally kissing him tenderly.  Alex's
fingers were feather light against his skin sending tingling waves of
pleasure coursing through his body.  Zach could feel his dick start to
stiffen at the stimulation he was receiving and if he wasn't mistaken,
something in Alex's boxers was also getting pretty hard and pressing
against him.

Zach rolled slightly in Alex's arms, facing him more so that he too could
run his hands over Alex's body.  Zach could feel their dicks sliding
against each other through Alex's boxers.  He could feel the heat radiating
from Alex's body, washing over him in gentle waves.  Zach started running
his hands over Alex's chest and shoulders all the while Alex was kissing
him tenderly, exploring his mouth with his tongue.

Zach's hands traced Alex's body, trying to feel every inch, wandering
towards Alex's boxers.  He ran his hands lightly over the fabric covered
flesh for a few moments and then slipped his hands inside the waistband
running his fingers over Alex's skin directly.  Alex had continued kissing
him deeply, darting his tongue into his mouth, but when Zach lightly cupped
his balls Alex drew back slightly and groaned in pleasure.  Emboldened,
Zach began pushing Alex's boxers down, attempting to remove them
completely.  Alex paused in rubbing Zach's body with his hands only long
enough to assist in the removal of his boxers and throwing them to floor
before quickly resuming his exploring touch of Zach's body.

Zach's body felt like it was on fire.  Every nerve ending seemed to be
transmitting waves of pleasure to his brain.  His entire body seemed to
resonate and tingle with Alex's every touch.  He could feel his breath
becoming ragged and he noted absently that Alex too seemed to be gulping in
air into his heaving chest.  Zach could feel his dick sliding along Alex's,
both throbbing in time with their racing hearts, both slick with precum.
He could feel Alex's hips thrusting with ever greater urgency and he knew
they were both close to shooting.

Alex suddenly rolled Zach onto his back.  Slowly he started kissing and
nibbling across Zach's face and down his throat, pausing in the hollow to
run his tongue in circles tickling him slightly.  Alex continued nibbling
and licking his way across his chest, teasing Zach's nipples, sucking on
them lightly.  Zach groaned loudly, unable to control himself and Alex
looked up briefly, his eyes sparkling.  Alex continued nipping and kissing
across Zach's stomach, pausing once again to swirl his tongue around Zach's
belly button, driving Zach nearly wild.

Alex continued nibbling, heading further down Zach's body and Zach began to
panic as he realized what Alex was preparing to do.  He could feel his dick
throbbing in anticipation, his balls pulling up tightly in preparation, but
he could also feel the knots of fear and worry forming in his stomach.  He
wasn't ready for that yet!  It was much too soon!  Zach grabbed Alex's
head, stopping him before his mouth reached his dick and started gently
pulling him back up.  Alex allowed himself to be stopped and guided back up
to face Zach.  There was a questioning look on his face as he stared into
Zach's scared, confused eyes.

"I'm sorry Alex," Zach said quietly, his voice miserable.  "I'm...I'm not
ready for you, uh, to do, um, for us to...I'm sorry."  Zach tried to look
away, but Alex reached over turning him back to face him.

"Zach, it's ok," Alex tried to reassure.  "You don't have to do anything
you don't want.  I'm the one that should be sorry for moving so fast.  I
said I'd let you set the pace and then I just go rushing into things.  It's
really ok if you want to slow down."

Zach's expression was still sad, but he tried to smile at Alex.  "You don't
need to be sorry.  It felt really good.  Really Good!  I just, well, I just
started to panic when you started heading down there.  Even that felt good,
but I don't know.  I'm not ready for that yet."

Alex had resumed rubbing Zach's chest and stomach and he smiled at Zach.
"Well, I'm glad it felt good.  I wanted you to feel good."  Alex hesitated
for a couple of seconds.  "Uhh...Do you want me to go on?  I could just
finish us off by stroking us if you want.  Truthfully, it's not going to
take me too much longer to finish myself, but we don't have too.  We can
just lay here in each other's arms and fall asleep if you want."

Zach smiled shyly at Alex.  "Oh God!  Right now it would only take me about
two strokes before I started shooting."  Zach blushed at his own admission.
"I was about ready to shoot before I stopped you anyway."

Alex grinned back at him, his eyes sparkling mischievously. He slowly ran
his hand down Zach's body and then wrapped it around both of their dicks,
holding their slicked up members side by side.  Zach's body trembled at the
touch.  Alex began slowly stroking, running his hand from base to tip in a
long, slow sensuous stroke.  He covered Zach's mouth with his own,
swallowing Zach's groans of pleasure as he kissed him deeply.

Zach could feel his climax building once more.  The waves of pleasure
emanated throughout his entire body.  It felt like electricity coursed
through his body causing every hair on him to stand and he briefly wondered
if there were little sparks of static shooting between them before he lost
the ability to think at all.  His heart was racing and he couldn't get his
breath no matter how much air he gulped in.  Then he felt Alex's body
stiffen and then shudder and he felt powerful spasms running through Alex's
dick.  He dimly realized that Alex was shooting and that pushed him over
the edge too.  He would have cried out if Alex hadn't still had his mouth
covered, locked in that passionate kiss.  Even muffled he still managed to
make loud strangled noises as the ecstasy of release coursed through him.

Slowly, Zach regained a measure of his composure and his rational mind
slowly returned.  Alex continued kissing him, nibbling playfully at his
lips and chin but the sweat urgency of desire had been satisfied.  They
both luxuriated in the afterglow of mutual release, content simply to
remain in each other's arms.  The exquisite pleasure followed them both
into sleep nestled together, cuddling even in slumber.

To Be Continued.

I want to thank everyone who has written.  The responses I have received
have been phenomenal.  You guys are the best!  If I have missed responding
to any of you, I really am sorry. Drop me a line if you feel so inclined
and let me know what you think or ask me any questions.  I'll try to
respond to all of you.  You can email me at gandersn@gte.net.  Greg