21. Breaker Zone
When it finally happened, it
came from an unlikely source.
It was a Sunday in mid-October. Earlier that afternoon we'd lost a
double-overtime heartbreaker--on
penalty kicks--against our main rival in the conference. I was
pissed off because I hadn't played well, and I didn't want to go back
to my dorm room: halfway through the game Coach Miller had benched
me, and he'd sent in my roommate Trey to replace me. Coach had
recruited midfielders heavily the previous spring, so we were crowded
at that position; that meant the freshman midfielders always had to
compete with each other for playing time. I'd pretty much started
every game, and Trey was constantly bitching and moaning to me about
it, giving me his in-depth analysis concerning why he should be
starting instead of me.
He'd played great after Coach pulled
me, scoring twice, even though we'd lost. I wasn't interested in
hearing him gloat after the game. I was walking back toward the
dorms, wondering who I could hang out with until I got my head right
so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I'd cleared out of the locker
room without showering; I wasn't interested in spending any time
letting people rip on me for my performance. I figured I'd hang out
in the dorm lobby and watch a little TV until I was fit to be with
people.
I'd just reached the front steps when I heard someone
call out to me from behind.
"Sucks, don't it?"
It
was Dean. I shut my eyes for a minute and took a deep breath. Lord,
give me patience.
I turned around and bumped knuckles with
him, working to be sociable. "Fuckin' blows goats is what it
does."
He laughed. "Dude. You were blowin'
goats."
"Well, thanks, Coach," I said,
scowling. "Because I'm too stupid to know without you telling
me."
"You probably lost the game for us. You turned
it over for crucial plays five times. Two of those led to
scores. You stunk it up out there."
Dean was a junior; I
was somewhat obligated to take this shit from him. And aside from
that, he was right. Still, I didn't like it.
"Anything
else you need to share with me?"
"Nah, that was
enough, don'tcha think?" I tried to be irritated, but Dean's
grin rarely made that possible.
He clapped a hand on my
shoulder. "Look, man, it happens to all of us. You were
overdue. Don't let it get to ya." He pulled the front door
open and motioned me inside. "I gotta get some class notes from
The Wiz." David Wizner was the head resident of my dorm. "Then
I'm going home. Why don't you come over? I'm guessin' you're not
exactly in the mood to be with your roomie. We can hang and play
some Sixty-Four. I got FIFA World Cup '98 and I suck. It'll
make you feel better to whup my ass all over the field. I gotta
fridge fulla beer too."
I had a Nintendo 64 too, and I'd
practiced plenty on FIFA World Cup. Dean lived a short walk
off campus, and the offer was tempting. It beat spending time with
the guy who got me benched. "Sounds good to me, long as I don't
have to talk to your damn roommates," I said. "I'm not
feelin' real social." Greg Whitmore thought he was a comedian
on the order of Chris Farley, and Miguel da Silva, our hotshot
Brazilian forward, was just plain annoying.
"Not a
problem," he replied. "I just called Greg. He's over at
his woman's place--he'll prolly spend the night there, like always. And
Mikey was going to the library after he showered up. He said
he'd be there till they threw him out, so unless you're planning on
staying 'til two in the morning, you won't even have to see
'em, let alone talk to 'em."
"I'm in," I said,
turning toward my hallway. "When you're done with The Wiz, come
get me. I gotta shower."
"Naw, man," he said,
frowning. "I don't wanna hang around for that. This'll only
take a minute. Just grab some shit to change into. You can shower
at my place. But hurry up."
When I got to my room I
grabbed some clothes and stuffed them into my gym bag; Trey wasn't
back yet. Then I met Dean on the front steps.
* * * * * * * * * * *
At
college, "a fridge fulla beer" usually meant Coors Light or
some other swill; Dean had two cases of Negra Modelo. I'd never had
any before and was seriously impressed by it.
By sunset, we'd
both showered and changed. I'd put on a pair of blue Umbro soccer
shorts and a white T-shirt; he'd dressed in jeans and a polo shirt. I'd
been kicking ass and taking names at FIFA, and we were
through a couple of pizzas and about a six-pack each, when Dean put
down his controller, turned to me out of the blue, and deadpanned,
"So what's it like to be hot for guys? When you like dick, is
it the same as when you like pussy?"
My heart fell into
the pit of my stomach. This kind of shit had come up in joking ways
every now and then in the locker room since the team had found out
about Kyle, and about me. But this was a one-on-one, and something
about Dean's facial expression belied the laugh that followed his
question. He'd been one of the guys who'd originally voted to boot
Kyle off the team, and I wasn't expecting this from him. I didn't
need a damn confrontation over my sexuality tonight.
I
couldn't think of what to say, and he wasn't helping me. We stared
at each other for a few seconds. Neither of us spoke.
I got
no clue from looking at his face. I didn't know if he really wanted
to know something, or if he was just trying to give me a hard time,
or if he was looking to throw down a lot of moral talk about how
depraved I was. But his silence was exasperating me.
I
finally said, "I can take bullshit as good as the next guy, but
if you're fuckin' with me, I'm not in the mood, so maybe I should
just go."
He reached under the TV stand and grabbed the
soccer ball that was lying there. As he talked he passed it back and
forth from one hand to the other, a study in nonchalance. "I'm
not fuckin' with you, Andy," he said. "Don't get so
defensive. You know I don't care about your...what you like and what
you don't. I just thought maybe you could...could tell me a little
more about it since it's just the two of us. I never talked to a guy
who...well, you know. I'm interested. I mean...not interested,
okay? I just wanted to know more. I wasn't trying to give you a
hard time."
As I tried to work out how to respond, he
kept fidgeting with the ball, looking at me expectantly.
Fear
and self-loathing hadn't served me well in the past year, and here in
college those things were slowly being replaced. One of the ways I'd
begun to deal with realizing I was bisexual was to develop and harbor
a suspicion that there were a good number of "guys like me"
who could go there. I wasn't certain on that theory, but if what my
Dad had told me about himself was true, there were a lot more guys
than people realized who'd at least thought about it. And not just
gay or bi guys.
After all...
Consciously I hadn't
thought anything about testing that suspicion. I had decided that
somewhere along the line I wanted to try being with a guy again, but
I wasn't out to convince the entire population of straight guys that
they'd enjoy dick. I'd assumed I'd eventually try getting with a gay
or bi guy. Still, my subconscious must have been working that
straight-boys-can-go-there theory out at some level, because
somewhere in the silence between the two of us, a plan came
fully-developed into my head, one that I thought could show a few
people that they and I weren't so different after all. Starting with
Dean.
I motioned him up from the floor by the TV, where we
were sitting, and over to the couch. I had an idea. I had a couple
of ideas, actually, but how they played out depended on what happened
next. "Okay," I said. "I'm gonna take you at your
word. But I don't think I can explain it in words so much. Maybe I
can think you through it."
"What do you mean?"
he asked.
"Just cooperate with me here, okay?"
"Okay,
Einstein," he replied. "I'm a willing subject in this here
thought-experiment."
"All right," I said. "Here goes." I stopped for a few moments to think.
"All
right, do this first," I began. "Think about sex with a
girl."
"You better not get me doin' too much of
that," he said. "I got no girlfriend and I haven't been on
a date in three weeks."
"That'll just enhance your
visualizing abilities," I said, smiling. "Now think about
your latest jerk-off fantasy girl. Tell me what you think of when
you think of her."
Dean closed his eyes and started
free-associating. "Soft. Tender. Sooooo fuckin' sweet. Curves.
Delicate. Wet. Hot. Sooooo fuckin' pretty and sexy."
He
opened his eyes and looked at me with a questioning grin.
I
considered for a minute. The beer made it difficult for me to get
clarity. But he'd asked, and regardless of what he was
expecting, I had some expectations of my own.
I stripped off
my shirt and dropped it on the floor. "Now look at me."
Dean
gulped audibly and shook his head. "Dude. What the
fuck?"
"I'm just trying to get you to answer your
own question," I said. "Just go with me on this. Either
you want an answer or you don't. Now quit acting all nervous and
fuckin' look at me, and think about what you see."
He
scanned my upper body. "Okay, you're kinda ripped. Big deal,"
he said. "What's your point?"
"My point is,
you're not gonna get my point unless you stop bein' a pussy
and cooperate with me here. Don't panic, man, I'm not gonna get gay
cooties on you. Now close your fuckin' eyes again and think
about something for me."
"Okay."
"Think
about touching a woman," I said.
"It's been so long
ago I can't remember," he joked.
He closed his eyes and
appeared to concentrate on the matter. After a few moments, he
opened them again and said, "Okay, so what?"
I moved
closer to him. "Now squeeze my shoulders."
That
rattled him. "Say what?"
"I'm not kidding,"
I said. "Put your hands on my shoulders and squeeze."
He
hesitated. "I don't know, man, that's queer."
"Squeezing
my shoulders is queer?"
He shook his head. "Look,
I just asked you a question. I wasn't hittin' on you. I don't get
with guys."
"I'm not asking you to get with me,"
I said. "Why'd you ask the question if you didn't want an
answer?"
"Feelin' you up isn't an answer," he
quipped.
"Whatever," I said. "But how did you
learn about soccer? Did you study a book? Did you listen to someone
tell you about it? What did you do?"
He started to
answer, then stopped.
"Fuck you."
I smiled. "I knew you'd get my point. Physical shit--sports, sex--it's
about bodies, not just minds. You don't get it from a book. I
figured I could help you see firsthand. Doesn't mean you're gonna
get all horny, moron. But you admitted I got a decent form. So
already you know the difference between a guy looking good and not. I'm
saying, go with what you know and build on that. You really want
to know what it's like for me to like guys? What I like about them? Or
were you just tryin' to score a laugh at my expense?"
The
look on his face was one of a guy who'd been cornered. "I
wasn't trying to fuck with you," he said quietly.
A
minute passed. Finally he said, "If I do it, you won't tell
anybody, right?"
I rolled my eyes. "Jesus fuckin'
Christ, ya big baby," I responded angrily, "I'm not tellin'
you to suck my cock. Just feel the texture of my skin, feel the
muscles. And think about the difference."
"I
can't believe I'm even thinking about doing this," he said,
still staring at my chest.
I shrugged. "Okay, just
forget it." I picked up my shirt and reached for my gym bag
beside the couch. "I think I better go, man. I'll catch you
tomorrow."
"Wait," he said.
He set the
soccer ball down on the couch. "I'm sorry. It was weird. But
the only reason I asked....I don't know, man, I know I'm not gay or
even bi, but everybody thinks weird kinky shit sometimes. I wondered
what made you decide. I wondered if it was like stuff that goes
through my head once in a while. I wondered why you decided one
thing about yourself and I decided another thing about myself."
I
put down my bag and sat down again. "Are you saying you think
you're bi?"
The defenses came up again, with a vengeance. "No," he shouted. "I'm
straight! I'm not even bi;
get that through your thick fuckin' skull, okay? I just wanna know
why you are."
He went to the refrigerator,
grabbed another beer, and sat down beside me. "I'm sorry, man. It just
makes me nervous, okay? And all I'm saying is that it's not
like a guy doesn't think weird shit every now and then. Like I said.
And you seem normal like everybody else, and I just wondered if the
difference was you just did something different in your head with the
crazy shit that goes through a guy's head sometimes."
"I
wasn't trying to come on to you," I lied. "But I still
think what I had in mind would help you understand what I like about
guys. I mean, you know, in that way. Even if it didn't turn you
on."
He sat motionless, looking me over. After a while
he nodded, hesitantly.
He reached over and put a hand on my
shoulder.
Then another.
Squeezing lightly at first,
then more deeply, he closed his eyes as he kneaded the
muscles.
After a while, he pulled back from me and opened his
eyes. I ignored his deer-in-the-headlights expression. "Okay,"
I said, "stand up with me."
We stood up. "Put
your hands around one of my biceps," I said. He swallowed hard
and squeezed my left bicep while I flexed it. I heard him mutter
"damn" under his breath.
"Okay, now put your
hands on my chest, and feel my chest and abs."
He backed
away and said, "No, man, that's enough of this shit. I get the
general..."
"Do it," I ordered,
interrupting him.
Reluctantly, slowly, he moved toward me and
put a hand on each pec.
He let his fingers knead my pecs
lightly, and slid his hands across the smooth skin. The fingertips
of his right hand brushed over my left nipple, moved down toward my
abs, then back up again. His left hand got into the act. He did
this a couple of times, each time becoming more deliberate about
feeling my nipples. After the third pass or so, he took the thumb
and middle finger of his right hand and squeezed my nipple gently,
rolling it between two fingers. I moaned, and his breathing began to
get deeper and heavier.
Trance-like, he knelt down in front of
me, letting his hands move up and down the ridges of my abs. As he
made his way lower, his fingers rubbed back and forth over the trail
of hair below my belly button.
He reached the waistband of my
soccer shorts. Absently, he started to tug the waistband down about
a quarter inch. Reflexively, I thrust my hips forward a little,
causing my now-hard cock to push against his wrist.
That
broke the spell for both of us. He pulled his hands off me as if
he'd just touched a hot stove.
"Okay, I'm done with this
bullshit," he said, violently. He jumped up and backed away
from me.
Over the last few minutes, the effect of the beer had
attenuated some, and I was starting to feel uneasy about this crazy
idea myself. I nodded my head back toward the couch. As we walked
back over and sat down, the stunned expression I saw on his face made
me nervous.
*
* * * * * * * * * *
I
was about to ask him what he'd learned, when he said, "What the
fuck did you do that for?"
The hostility surprised me,
and put me on the defensive. "Hey. You were the guy
feeling me up."
"Quit fuckin' with my head,"
he said emphatically, as he jumped up and began pacing the floor. "I
just thought...goddammit, I just asked you a simple question. You
told me you weren't gonna fuck with me. I trusted you and decided to
go along with your stupid shit, and then you..."
I didn't
let him finish. "I did what? Like you got a mouthful of cum or
something? Why the hell are you so pissed off?"
He
didn't answer.
He walked slowly back to the couch and sat
down. "Damn, Phillips," he said. "Look, it's just
that I...dude, I've never felt on a guy like that. It was just
weird, you know?" He looked down for a moment, then said, "It
was...it was definitely different."
I waited for him to
say something else. Finally, he added, "I mean, it didn't turn
me on or anything. It's just...You won't tell anybody, will
ya?"
The pleading in his eyes pissed me off, but I kept
my cool.
"I already told you," I reminded him. "Of
course not. But if it didn't turn you on, why would it matter? It
was all innocent, right?"
"Well, yeah," he
said. "But it might raise some eyebrows."
I raised
mine at him. "So I'll ask you again," I said. "What
did you learn?"
He furrowed his brow. "What did I
learn about what?"
"Well, first of all, I guess,
what's the difference between a guy's body and a girl's?"
He
relaxed some. "Shit," he said, chuckling, "I coulda
told you that without having you make me give you the full-body
workover."
"Okay, but you free-associated before
about a girl's body. Now free-associate about mine."
"Ugly,"
he said. "Skinny." He broke out the grin again.
"You
lying sack o' shit," I said, punching him. "No kidding
this time, do the same sort of word-association."
"I
don't know, man. Anyway, we all got similar builds on the team. You
and me, not that much different."
"That's not what I
asked," I said.
Annoyed, he replied, "Okay, what did
you ask?"
"Set the bullshit aside since it's just
the two of us. Tell me what came into your head."
"Hard,"
he said. "Not just your dick, although I caught that too,"
he said with a wink and a smile. "Strong. Tough. Defined. Confident."
"Confident? My body's 'confident'?"
"I
don't know, man," he stammered. "It's just what came to
me."
"None of those words you said about women,
though, right? No 'sweet'? No 'soft curves'? No 'delicate'? No
'tender'? But you liked it anyway?"
"I didn't say I
liked it," he said, looking away.
* * * * * * * * * * *
You
learn a few things when you devote time and energy and brainpower to
the art of seduction. You learn about the various nuances of
interest, and desire, and ambivalence, and incipient guilt, and you
learn how to watch those wrestle with each other in the facial
expressions, in the body language, of the one you're after. You
learn when to press your advantage and when to let the other person
have a little slack.
I'd never gone into "sexual
conquest" mode with a guy before. The one sexual encounter I'd
had with a guy had been so completely vulnerable, so devoid of
calculation or manipulation, it couldn't possibly serve as a
reference point.
But as I put Dean through his paces feeling
my muscles, I began almost unconsciously to look for clues and cues
in his face, in his gestures, his tone of voice, his body language;
just the way I did when I was looking for an advantage with a woman.
Somewhere along the line of this little "thought-experiment,"
the cold, calculating, using part of me decided that tonight
was the night, and that Dean was the man who'd take me a little
farther down my road.
That he was semi-hostile made it all the
more compelling.
I looked him in the eye and said, "So,
if my body did turn you on--which, of course, it didn't--what
would turn you on about it?"
"It didn't turn
me on," he said. "I wanna be real clear on that right
now."
"Right. You didn't like it."
"No,"
he said, "I didn't say that."
"So you do
like my body," I said.
"No, I don't," he
said. "I mean...I...you're tight, and..." he blushed
furiously. "Goddammit, you're fuckin' with my head. Again."
He sighed.
"Your body doesn't turn me on, okay? But I see the things that are
attractive about it. You keep in
shape. We all do. It wasn't a turn-off. I didn't dislike it." He glared
at me. "And I swear if you quote me you're dead
meat."
I laughed. "All right, then. Just so we're
clear--if you didn't dislike my body, and if you could see the things
that are attractive about it, then in some sense you liked my
body, right?"
"Asshole," he muttered.
I
kept the pressure on. "Was it unpleasant to touch me? Be
honest."
"It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't unpleasant,
it was okay, okay? I liked how firm and tight you are. There, ya
happy?" He glared at me.
"So, when I tell you that
I'm attracted to guys and girls, do you get sort of what I mean?"
"I
think so," he replied, rolling his eyes. "Or let's say I
can admit to appreciating those qualities on you."
I let
those words hang in the air for a minute before I pushed. Then,
flashing him a seductive grin, I said, "So what would it take
for you to let me feel you up like that?"
He
stared hard at me, then looked up at the clock.
Swallowing,
he looked into my eyes and said quietly, "Not m-much."
He tore his eyes away from mine and looked toward the window
as he asked, "Would you...I...would you do more?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
I
felt my dick spasm once in response. "Are you fucking kidding
me?"
"Okay, never mind, I'm sorry I brought it
up," he said.
"No, man, don't be," I replied,
rushing to reassure him. "I just...I mean, this whole time
you're all 'don't fuck with my head, I'm not bi, I never said I liked
your body.' And you were the one talking that day about how fucked
up Kyle is and all afraid he'd hit on you." I looked at him,
wary.
"I've already told you I'm sorry about that, Andy,
what the fuck more do you want from me? Shane just kinda got me on a
roll that day," he said. "I don't hate Kyle. He and I are
good."
"I know," I admitted.
He
continued. "I'm not gay. I'm not even like you--bi, or
whatever. But I guess it doesn't gross me out. And what you just
made me do..."
I broke in on those words. "What I
made you do?"
"Naw, I didn't mean it like
that," he said. "I meant, what we just did...I see your
point. Your body, it's....it's okay. I can see what would be...like
what would be attractive. And look, man, I haven't gotten any in so
long I'm just fuckin' horny. And--no offense, man--but I'm thinking
you're bound to give head better than any girl."
"Why
would I take offense at that?" I asked, bristling. "Is it
a bad thing?"
"Dammit, Andy, I didn't mean it like
that, either," he said. "I'm trying to do this right, man,
give me a break; this is totally new to me and pretty damn
unexpected. I just misread you, man, I wasn't gonna think of you
like a slut either way. I'm sorry."
He was right. I was
being too touchy about it. I guess I still had some distance to go
myself.
I smiled at him. A little expression of relief crept
over his face. I strode over to him and began lifting up his shirt.
"Don't be," I said, grinning and tossing his shirt aside. "I'll do all
the 'more' you want, man. I'll fuckin' drain you
dry, if you want it."
"Jesus," he whispered.
* * * * * * * * * * *
We
walked into his bedroom and shut the door. The adrenaline was
pounding through my system. My dick was steel. And, bravado
notwithstanding, I was scared as hell: This would be my first time
doing something like this since...
Since...
A trickle
of sadness made its way through me and quickly dissipated.
Then
The Voice--the one that always tries to give me the third degree,
keep me honest with myself--spoke for the first time since I'd set
foot on campus.
Slow down, boy, and think about who this
guy is. You wanna be doin' this?
I wasn't sure. What
would happen if Dean got buyer's remorse? Worse yet, we got along
pretty well, but Dean was definitely the kind of guy who kept tabs on
where his buds were, in relation to him, in the pecking order.
The
Voice laughed at this one. As if you're not?
Ouch. But all the more
reason I had to be careful with this. Dean already
considered himself a little better than me by virtue of his
seniority. And he wasn't exactly a willing participant in what we'd
just done. I had fucked with his head a little, taken
advantage of some vulnerability and trust he'd risked with me. Anyway,
regardless of what he'd just said, he hadn't been too cool
about Kyle when Kyle outed himself. If I gave him head, would he
think of me as someone who'd "become his cocksucker,"
giving him the right to treat me like some sub-male dick-whore? There
was no way I'd let that happen.
I
sat down on his bed, silently considering all this as I looked at
him. It was apparent that waiting for me to take the lead was making
him uneasy. "Fuck, Andy, you gotta be the one to make the move
here; I...this is kinda freakin' me out."
"I'm
having second thoughts," I said. "How you gonna treat me
afterwards? We gotta be on the same team, for at least two
years."
Frustration
was starting to show on his face. "I promise...I fuckin' swear.
It'll be fine. How could I give you shit? Dammit, I just had my
hands all over you, everywhere but where it counts. That's pretty
fuckin' suspect. Somebody else watchin' it would think so, anyway. So
it's not like I got room to rip on you. You got me up for this,
man; you gotta finish it."
I wasn't sure. "You
don't think it's sick? Five minutes ago you weren't havin' any of
it, and we both know what you said about Kyle."
He
frowned. "How many times you gonna make me apologize for that? I'm
sorry about Kyle, man. I told you, I was just fuckin' around. If it
makes any difference to you, I've told Shane I think he's full
of shit for the way he's being about him."
I
crossed my arms and continued to stare at him. After a moment or two
he said, "Dude, you're right. I'm the one who brought it up. I...I'm
curious. I'll admit it. I wanted something to
happen. I hoped you'd....I just thought it would be safe and I could
trust you to..."
Before
he'd had a chance to finish, I said, "You can
trust me. That's not
the issue, Dean. The issue is whether or not I can trust you. I
mean, I don't give a shit who you tell. But I do give a
shit how you treat me after." I sat down next to him. "But
there's a way you can show me."
From
the look of consternation on his face, I could tell he understood
immediately.
"Fuck," he muttered to himself. He
stood up and walked over to his window, looking out as he had before. I
waited as he wrestled with himself. He turned and looked at the
clock on the wall. Then he turned to me, smiled nervously, and said,
"Okay. But I do you first, because after I get mine, I might
not have the nerve to go through with it."
"Then
you just bought yourself a top-shelf blowjob, my man," I
laughed.
Taking a deep breath, he said, "Okay...I don't
know what I'm doin' here...you gotta walk me through it."
I'd
spent some time already thinking about the whole issue of sex with
guys and how I wanted it to happen. I wasn't going to settle for
some fully-clothed quickie that both of us would find easy to deny.
There'd been too much denial of this part of me already, and in any
case, the quicker it went by and the more spur-of-the-moment it
seemed, the easier it would be for Dean to turn it against me later
with a claim that he was horny and drunk, or that I came on to him
when he was horny and drunk.
"I'll
do that," I replied, "if you promise to trust me through
this whole thing, okay?"
"Well...okay,"
he said.
"First
of all, I got some ground rules. We're not gonna just whip 'em out
and blast off as quick as we can. This has gotta be sex, Dean, not
just a fuckin' blowjob from a queer. When this is over, it's gonna
be something you participated in, you know what I mean?"
He
sighed. "I get it. Look, if we're gonna do this,
let's stop talking about it and just
do it, okay?"
"Okay,"
I said. "The first thing is, we gotta get
naked."
"Completely?"
"I'm
not doin' this halfway," I said. "So come over here and
undress me."
"Why
me?"
"Don't
you trust me?"
"Yeah,"
he said, "but you can fuckin' undress yourself, can't
you?"
"Look,
dude," I said. "If there's one thing I know it's that
ninety percent of sex is in the head. You've heard me say how I
think a lot of people could go there if they'd admit it to
themselves?"
"Yeah. So?"
I
stood up. "If you got the balls to try this once with me, I
wanna make it as good for both of us as I can. And to do that you
need to get into the mindset of you're about to have sex with me, not
just 'we traded blowjobs.' It's not just about dicks, it's about the
whole thing. That's why the 'naked' part. And I like to be
undressed by the person I'm gettin' with."
"That's
what I was afraid of," he said uneasily. "But
what-the-hell-ever." He walked back toward me until he was
right in front of me.
"One
other thing," I said. If you're gonna freak out on me or get
all tentative or squeamish, let's not even do it. You go this far,
you gotta get yourself into it the best you can. I mean it's just
blowjobs, but like I said, I'm not just a dick with a life-support
system attached, and you're not either. Do you know what I'm talkin'
about?"
"Yeah,"
he said, smiling. "We gotta be into it if we're gonna do
it."
"Yep."
"But
I got a condition, too," he said.
"What's
that?"
"No
kissing above the neck."
"No
worries, man," I said. "Why would I want to kiss an ugly
face like yours?"
"I
dunno," he smirked; "you seem to want to suck an ugly dick
like mine."
He
laughed, and for a while, the hesitancy in his body-language
vanished.
He kneeled down at my feet and started untying my
shoes.
The
deliberateness with which he untied my shoes and gently slipped them
off was maddening. Once he had my shoes off, he gently stroked the
sides and soles of my feet through the cotton fabric of the socks. In
response, I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and breathed out
slowly.
He took off my socks the same way he took off my
shoes. Tenderly, excruciatingly slowly, brushing his fingers lightly
down my feet as he bared them. A shiver went up my spine; my shorts
began to feel uncomfortably tight. He stood up and reached for my
t-shirt. I raised my arms as he pulled it over my head and threw it
on the floor. Then he looked at me, smiled, and pushed me firmly
downward until I was lying on my back.
He
gave my chest a good visual going-over, then leaned over slightly and
put his hands on my thighs. Just then the uncertainty must have
grabbed hold again. "Fuck," he whispered, shaking his head
back and forth. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." The last one
was spoken full voice. "I can't believe I'm doin'
this."
"You
don't have to do it," I said, giving him an opportunity to back
out.
Our
eyes had a brief, wordless conversation. He raised his eyebrows and
shrugged.
Then
he grabbed at the waistband of my Umbros and tugged them down.
I
lifted my hips as he slid them off my legs; he tossed them to the
floor on top of my t-shirt.
He
sat down on the bed next to me. My interest in the proceedings was
obvious, even through the cotton fabric of my boxer briefs.
"Joe
Boxer," he said. "Figures." Grabbing the
logo-bearing waistband and pulling it slightly away from my stomach,
he then let it snap back.
I
laughed. "What do you mean?"
"Oh,
nothing," he replied. "I'm just talking off the top of my
head, saying whatever shit comes out. I think I'm just stalling or
something. So..."
Slowly,
tentatively, he put a hand on my crotch. "Damn," he said
quietly. Slowly, he took a finger and traced down, then back up, the
length of my cock. Towards the top of the upstroke my entire body
shuddered in response; he chuckled.
I
swung my feet off the bed and stood up. "I want you in front of
me."
"I
bet you do," he said as he knelt down and got eye-level
with my midsection.
He
took a deep breath and pulled the boxer briefs down to my knees. I
lifted my right leg a little, pushed the shorts to the floor with my
foot, and stepped out of them.
"Oh
fuck, oh shit," he whispered to himself again, staring at
my erect penis. I pulled the slightly-retracted foreskin back the
rest of the way. A drop of precum spilled from the tip and dribbled
a few inches down the length of my cock. "Wow," he said. "You get that
all the time?"
"Yeah,"
I answered. "Don't you?"
"Only
when I'm just about there," he said.
He
reached for my dick, but I pushed his hand away and said, "Now
you."
He
looked at me and frowned. "You want me undressed for this
part?"
"I
want us both undressed the whole time we're doin' this," I
replied.
He
stood up and backed away from me a little. "Why?"
"You're
beautiful," I said.
He
winced a little. "You mean I'm hot. I ain't fuckin'
beautiful."
"Call
it what you want," I said. "I wasn't calling you a woman." I flexed a
bicep and squeezed it. "Remember?"
"Right,"
he laughed. "I remember. 'Strong. Tough. Defined. Confident.' Jesus, me
and my big mouth."
I
said, "You're all those things. I wanna see that."
"But
can't we just wait until it's my turn to..."
"No,"
I said.
"But
I might...I mean, what if..." His voice trailed off as he looked
away.
"What
if what?"
"What
if I get hard while I'm...while I'm suckin' your dick?"
I
grinned and said, "Well, then I'll definitely feel
flattered."
He
shook his head. "But I don't...I mean, I'm not like
that..."
Something about this felt familiar. Not in a
good way. I blew past it, though, and said,
"Okay, you're not. So why
are you worried about getting hard?"
"I
fuckin' get hard just thinking about the word 'sex.' It's a
sexual situation, I don't care if it's gay."
"Then
it doesn't matter," I said. "Anyway, I'm gonna see you
hard when I'm blowing you; what's the big deal?."
"That's
when you're blowing me,
when you're makin' it feel good. It's supposed to
get hard then. It's
not supposed to get hard when I'm doin' you, and I don't want
you thinking..."
I
flashed him my most evil smile. "Are you hard now?"
"Yeah,"
he said, staring at the floor.
"And
what's been goin' on? I been suckin' on you yet? Nope; in fact, you
been runnin' your finger across my dick and lookin' it in the eye. So
as far as what I'd be thinking if you got hard doin' stuff to me,
I'd say that hoss done left the barn, bro."
His
face flushed, and after a few moments, he rolled his eyes and said,
"What the fuck ever. Okay. You want me stripped down
while I do ya, you got it. But you gotta undress me too. That's
your power thing and I get to have it the other way too."
"Gladly,"
I said.
"Just
fuckin' hurry up," he said.
"Okay,"
I told him. "Stand right where you are and don't move."
I
walked around him and stood behind him, moving in until my body was
touching his. I leaned in a little and spoke quietly in his ear, "I
promise you're gonna
love this. I guarantee what I'll do for you is gonna make up for any
grossout factor you experience keeping your end of the deal." I
put my hands on his shoulders and began massaging them.
The
heat from my breath in his ear must have given him a shiver. "I
guess it's not gonna be no grossout factor. Jesus. This feels weird
as shit and I'm sorry, it is freakin' me out some...but I'm
fuckin' hard as a rock."
I
reached around him and pulled him into me, his denim-covered butt
mashing into my hard cock. As I traced my fingers over his nipples,
he exhaled raggedly.
I
ran my hands over his pecs and let my hands wander south, across his
abs, then back up to his nipples, which by now were standing up and
asking for attention. I worked on him like that for a while, then
moved back down toward his abs and around the back.
Pushing
him away from me slightly, I slid my hands down over his ass,
squeezing firmly. Then I reached back around his waist and began
unbuckling his belt. I pulled it loose from his jeans, tossed it on
the floor, and unbuttoned his jeans. I pushed them down his legs and
he stepped out of them.
He turned to face me. In that brief
moment, something changed in him, and it startled me.
He stood
before me. Tall. Certain. Almost defiant. Hands down by his
sides, shoulders broad and erect. Proud. Gazing into my eyes,
utterly unafraid. My eyes drank in his sleek, graceful lines, his
taut musculature. He was clad only in a pair of white A&F boxers
with blue vertical stripes; the insistent presence underneath was
pushing the fly into obscene prominence. Eyes drilling into mine the
whole time, he hooked his thumbs under the waistband and pushed the
shorts to mid-thigh. Then he bent down and pushed them past his
knees. They fell the rest of the way to the floor; he stepped out of
them, kicked them aside, and stepped back toward me, facing me again,
naked. His eyes flashed with calm, confident expectancy. And
something more. Almost like anger, but not.
It was hunger. Hunger in wait.
I thought of a lion striding across the
African veldt, surveying his domain; claiming it.
For a
moment I forgot to breathe. He was beautiful. Powerful. Dangerous. And
well past ambivalence.
"Touch me," he said.
I
put my hands on his shoulders. He looked into my eyes and, just
before he sank to his knees, he said, "You tell anyone about
this and you'll regret the day you ever met me."
I nodded
as he put his hands on my ass and pulled me into his
face.
Everything seemed to turn slow-motion as I watched his
tongue reach toward the tip of my dick and collect the precum that
had pooled there. He licked his lips and rubbed them together,
coating them with my lube; then he licked them again. Smiling
wickedly, he said, "Tastes like mine."
That caught
me off-guard. "You've tasted your precum?"
He
shrugged. "Hasn't everybody?"
He took my dick in
his hand, appraising it, pulling it downward to gauge the resistance,
and letting it spring back up. It slapped me in the belly with an
audible snap; we laughed. He took it in his hands again and gently
pulled the foreskin over the exposed head. He let go and watched, as
my dick stayed hooded. Then he grasped me again and pulled the
foreskin back down. I closed my eyes and let the sensations wash
over me.
"That's pretty cool," he said. "It
stays pretty much where you leave it. Does it always skin back when
you're hard?"
"Usually," I said. "Eventually."
He pulled the skin back up over the
head of my dick, and in a fluid motion, lowered his face to it and
put it in his mouth. I groaned as he circled his tongue around it,
took it out of his mouth and looked at it, unsheathed it again, and
put it back into his mouth.
Gradually he began moving up and
down on me. He seemed to know just how to push the buttons. "Jesus,
Dean," I moaned. "Fuck, that's good."
He took
my dick out of his mouth, pausing in the action. "I've had a
few blowjobs myself. I got the equipment. I figure I know how it
needs to be serviced." He grinned and put me back in his
mouth.
"You got that right," I gasped.
The
heat rose as we got into it. I had my hands in his hair, caressing
his head as he sucked on me. I tried to let him control the action,
tried to keep from grabbing his head and pushing him into me with my
hands, but things got pretty intense and I got a little more forceful
with him than I'd meant a couple of times. He didn't protest though;
in fact, I was surprised at how deep he was willing to take me. Pretty
amazing for a straight boy, I thought. But Dean never
did anything halfway on the field either.
We began to settle
into each other's rhythms. I was covered in sweat; I felt the lust
radiate off me in waves. The pleasure, the sensation, the frenzy of
coupling like this, was sending me rapidly toward the inevitable
conclusion.
Just as I was rounding the bend, he pulled his
mouth off me. "You gettin' close?"
I could only
whimper. I figured he was done. I grabbed myself and started
humping my fist, but he pushed my hand away. "I'm in for the
full deal. I expect the same." Before I had a chance to say
anything, he'd put me back in his mouth.
I couldn't control it
any longer; I put my hands on his head and began full-out fucking his
face. Finally, with a growl, I pushed deep into his mouth and
exploded.
I went white-blind for a second and the room seemed
to disappear. The dizziness, the ecstasy took over, and I was
flooded with love for this beautiful soccerboy. As the white goo
emptied out of my dick into his mouth, my neural circuits got
imprinted with incredible--and permanent--feelings of tenderness and
regard for my teammate.
The whole time my dick spasmed out its
orgasm, he let me stay in his mouth. Finally, when the last shudder
had passed, I pulled out and fell back onto his bed.
He'd kept
from swallowing. He ran into his bathroom and spit into the sink,
then filled a glass with water. He took a swig, rinsed, and spit. He
looked at me sheepishly as he walked back over. He sat down next
to me and said, "I'm sorry, man; no offense, okay? But that was
gross."
I laughed at him. He looked hurt, and punched me
on the shoulder. "I tried, dude. And, you know, it wasn't too
bad. I could kinda get into it; I liked makin' you feel good. That
was pretty awesome. The whole thing was kinda sexy. But the cum,
man. That just made it too real. I was not up for that. I'm
sorry."
"Don't be stupid," I said. "You
let me finish totally. Jesus, Dean. I..."
An image--no,
an experience--seared its way out of my memory and across my
consciousness.
Exploding deep into Matt loving him so
desperately so peacefully oh God I
I jumped, startled. Scared.
Dean was looking at me, eyebrows raised. "You
okay?"
I took a few deep breaths.
"Yeah."
I was quiet for a while. I waited for my head and heart to
settle down.
I wonder if I'll ever be free of
him.
Finally, I sat up, stroked the inside of Dean's
thigh, and pushed him backwards onto his bed. "We're not done
here, are we?"
He grinned.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The
second act was as good as the first.
These things stay with
me:
The smell of his skin.
The taste of his semen.
The
touch of his hands on my shoulders, in my hair.
The energy
that hummed in him, radiated out of him.
And the way he kissed
me on the cheek after I'd swallowed the last drop of him.
After
he'd gotten his nut we lay in his bed together naked. He snuggled up
next to me, his dick against my ass. We fell asleep briefly.
We
got up and got dressed, went out into the living area. I got ready
to leave. Just as I'd grabbed my gym bag, he said softly, "Hey. I
think...I need to say something, okay?"
I looked at
him without responding, and sat down on the couch with him.
He
met my eyes with his, and said, "I...Andy..."
"I
won't tell anybody," I said.
"I know," he said. "I wasn't gonna say that."
He seemed to be
searching for the words. "It was good. I didn't like all of
it, but...Thing is, see...oh, man, how do I..."
He
blushed. "It was you."
I looked at him, trying to
understand.
"I got off, yeah. And now I see what you
meant. Or, I don't know, I think I know the answer to my original
question."
I waited for him to find some words.
"It
didn't change what I know about myself. But it was good. And,
well...you..."
He shrugged his shoulders, sighed,
scratched his head. "I felt good. About you. And I don't
really get it. But I don't care. I liked it anyway. I just wanted
to tell you."
I put my hand out to him, but he grabbed
for me, pulled me into him, and gave me a quick hug and a slap on the
shoulder. "This was a one-time deal. But you and me...I got
your back any time, man," he said as he released me.
I
smiled weakly, trying to ignore the way the words reverberated down
the halls of my past. "You're all right, Dean," I
said.
Awkward seconds ticked by as I tried to still my mind
and memory. I wasn't successful.
Finally, I stood up. "I
gotta go," I said hesitantly.
He walked me to the door. "Okay."
I shut the door behind me and walked freely
into the night, a captive, nonetheless, of the present and the
past.
-----------------------
Copyright 2007 by Adam
Phillips.
Sorry for the long delay. Major life changes have
happened in the last couple of months and they've taken lots of my
time. I promise that unless I get hit by a bus, I'll finish this
story. There are about 10 more chapters to go. If you'd like to
stay informed about when I have a new chapter coming out, you're
welcome to join yet another Nifty author's Yahoo group. Mine's at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adamstories/ Thanks for reading,
for the e-mails, and for hanging in with my ridiculously slow posting
schedule. See you next time!