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CHAPTER
TWO: Physical Activity
Unfortunately, the next day Adam behaved just as he had the night before. He
awoke, said good morning to Matt then went over to the closet where he
picked
out his clothes after which he headed straight for the shower. The rest of
the
day passed in the same fashion and it set the tone for the rest of the
week.
Adam was always friendly and polite, but he always made certain that they
never
made any physical contact. At first Matt had thought it was just
coincidence,
but then he started noticing how Adam was careful to maintain a certain
distance between them whenever they were in the same room. He never got too
close, and even when Matt tried to approach him he moved away.
Not sure what to make of Adam's new attitude Matt had tried to subtly get
closer and that had resulted in the two of them rarely being in the same
room
at the same time any more. If Matt came into the kitchen then Adam went to
the
bedroom and if Matt went to the bedroom then Adam went to the living room.
If it wasn't for Adam's perpetual pleasantness, Matt might have suspected
something was wrong, but he appeared to be as happy as ever and whenever
Matt
tried to finish their conversation from the other night, Adam would quickly
change the subject or suddenly remember an errand he forgot to run.
About a week after their initial confrontation, Matt finally managed to get
Adam alone long enough to tell him his decision. He was nervous and anxious
but
determined. He was sure about their love and was willing to make whatever
sacrifices were necessary in order to ensure the success of their
relationship.
And if that meant confronting his demons and pushing his comfort levels then
so
be it.
The way Matt saw it, it was about time he stopped being afraid of his sexual
desires. Having made up his mind, Matt cornered Adam in the bedroom and sat
him
down to tell him what he had decided. Throughout Matt's entire speech, Adam
was
silent, and at the end all he did was nod his assent and then head for the
bathroom. He didn't say anything in response.
His reaction left Matt feeling even more puzzled, he'd thought Adam would be
ecstatic and excited, but instead he had appeared unenthusiastic. Matt truly
did not know what to make of all this. He felt as though Adam was somehow
pulling away from him and he didn't know how to stop it. Adam had been
acting
strangely all week and on the one occasion where Matt had asked him if
everything was all right, he had said that it was. Matt guessed he would
have
to take his word for it.
In the bathroom, Adam sat on the toilet seat with the lid down and his head
in
his hands. In the last week, the bathroom had become his adopted makeshift
sanctuary. He had been working very hard to keep his hands off Matt, but
keeping his distance had been difficult. As far as Matt was concerned, it
was
like trying to fight gravity. It was impossible.
Some nights, whenever Matt had been an especially loving mood, Adam had had
to
escape to the bathroom more that once to try and get his hormones under
control. It was embarrassing, but sometimes all Matt needed to do was smile
at
Adam and he would be sporting wood. And going all these months without sex
had
made him especially susceptible to the gut-wrenching arousal that Matt's
presence often caused him.
And now he was faced with a new dilemma that was going to be testing the
limits
of his nobility. Even now, he was still in a state of partial shock over
Matt's
unexpected announcement. Matt wanted to try and get more intimate with him.
After a year and seven months of asking, begging, pleading and trying at
every
turn to seduce, Matt had finally acquiesced; the only problem was that Adam
didn't believe him.
He didn't think Matt really wanted this. His guess was that Matt was
probably
doing it to make him happy. That was one of the reasons he loved Matt so
much.
He had a huge heart and was constantly putting other people's needs before
his
own. Matt probably thought that he would have to do this or Adam would leave
him. He would have to redouble his efforts at keeping his distance to show
him
that he was willing to give Matt the space that he needed. He wasn't going
to
pressure him. Adam could control his libido and he was going to show Matt
that
they could continue to date and he would not lose his control.
When Adam came back into the living room Matt asked eagerly, "So when
do
you think we should start? I kinda wanted to begin tonight if that's okay
with
you." After finally coming to the conclusion that he wanted to
experiment
and explore sex with Adam, Matt could hardly wait. The physical distance
between them over the past week had been frustrating and he couldn't wait to
get his hands on Adam's gorgeous body.
"Ahh, well," Adam hedged, "I sorta have a headache tonight so
maybe we
could start tomorrow night, okay?"
"Okay," Matt replied, trying and almost failing to hide his
disappointment. "Why don't you go lie down for a while?"
Looking down at his watch Adam said, "Actually, I think I'm just going
to
head off to my place tonight."
This time Matt couldn't stop the frown that appeared on his face. He and
Adam
had separate apartments, but about six months ago they had both begun
spending
every night together at each other's places. Since then, they had spent
every
night in the same bed. And now Adam wanted to leave and spend the night
alone. Matt
was worried. Something was definitely wrong.
Rising off the couch, Matt approached Adam as he was grabbing his jacket and
said, "Is everything okay?"
Shrugging on his jacket, Adam said, "Yeah sure."
Moving closer, Matt noticed that as he neared, Adam retreated and moved
further
away from him. He came to stop as a thought entered his head and felt as
though
a stone had been dropped into the pit of his stomach. Maybe Adam was no
longer
interested in him and was now looking for a way out. That would explain why
he
wasn't eager to get intimate. Had Matt waited too long and somehow pushed
Adam
away? After having Matt refuse him for so long, maybe Adam had gotten tired
and
started looking elsewhere.
"Uhhh okay," Matt stammered out. "Do you want me to come with
you?"
"No that's okay," Adam responded as he reached for the door.
"I'll see you
tomorrow."
And with that he left. He hadn't kissed Matt goodbye and he'd always kissed
Matt goodbye before. Matt stood in the middle of his living room feeling an
acute
sense of panic and an almost overwhelming need to run after him. He almost
did
just that before he came to his senses. He knew what he would do. He would
give
Adam a day or two think about what he had said and get used to the idea
before
doing anything else.
*****
Three days later Matt was anxious, impatient and just the teensiest bit
apprehensive. He had been trying to get a hold of Adam for two days now and
had
been unsuccessful. He'd left countless messages on his machine, none of
which
Adam had returned. He was no longer sure that giving Adam "space"
had
been such a good idea after all. Gritting his teeth in resolve, Matt put
together an overnight bag and headed over to Adam's apartment.
Once Adam opened the door, Matt started into him. He pushed his way into the
apartment, threw his carry on to the floor and turned to face his errant
boyfriend.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked.
"I haven't been avoiding you." Adam responded.
"Bullshit!" Matt yelled. Adam was stunned; he had never heard Matt
raise his voice before. Matt never lost his temper.
"I just thought that it might be good if we spent some time
apart,"
he said slowly.
"Why?" Matt asked, his frustration and confusion evident.
Adam sighed. How did he explain this? Taking a deep breath he decided to try
and make sense of all that he was feeling.
"Listen, Matt," he began, "With everything that's been
happening
lately I just felt like it would be best for us if we took a little time
off."
The look on Matt's face was one of pure devastation. His voice broke as he
asked, "So that's it then? We're done? Over?" he couldn't look
Adam
in the eyes.
Adam pushed off of the wall that he had been leaning on and said, "No,
Matt. Look, it's just ... just ... ," he broke off. "The truth is that
I
don't know what to do any more. I don't want you to feel as though you have
to
sleep with me to keep me. It tears me up inside to think that you're
actually
afraid of me sometimes. You're afraid to let me come close and afraid to let
me
touch you. After we talked that night and you told me how you really felt, I
decided that I would give you all the space and time you needed and let you
come to me whenever you were ready." Adam paused in his speech to
glance
at Matt who sat looking stunned on the edge of the sofa.
"And then a couple of days later you were telling me that you were
ready
to start trying to take things further and I knew that you were only just
saying that to try and make me happy." When Adam finished he looked
over
at Matt and waited for him to offer his denials, Matt's response wasn't what
he
had been expecting.
"I do want to make you happy," Matt said, "because making you
happy makes me happy. And I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of sex. I love
you.
I want to be as close to you as I possibly can." As Matt spoke he
slowly
began making his way towards where Adam was standing. When he reached him,
he
paused and stood right before his boyfriend, looking into his eyes. Then he
placed his right hand on his chest and used his other hand to reach up and
slide his fingers through the hair at the nape of Adam's neck. He slowly
rose
onto his toes and pulled Adam's head down until their lips met. The feeling
was
electric.
Adam stood stiff and tense, but Matt wouldn't let that deter him. He started
out slowly, licking along the seam of Adam's mouth and gently nipping his
lips.
After a few moments, Adam was powerless to resist and parted his lips. Matt
then unleashed his full passion, letting Adam feel his hunger. He shoved his
tongue into Adam's mouth and began sucking his face. He could tell that Adam
was completely taken aback, but Matt just made a fist in his shirt and
tightened his hold around his neck.
Adam, on the other hand, was shocked by Matt's blatant display of raw
sexuality
and remained mostly still. This kind of sex play usually scared Matt silly,
but
now he was the aggressor. The kiss went on and on and was rife with
unrepressed
lust. When they finally pulled apart, Adam leaned down so they rested their
foreheads against each other as they tried to get their bearings. Just as he
was about to say something, Adam spotted the overnight bag that Matt had
tossed
in the corner and his pulse quickened all over again.
Gasping, Adam asked, "What's with the bag?"
Grinning, Matt replied, "I thought we might have a sleep over."
Adam
took in a shuddering breath and placed his arms around Matt's waist drawing
him
close.
"Are you sure?" he asked quietly while gazing intently into Matt's
eyes. To his amazement Matt just smiled a small seductive smile and
nodded.
Retaining eye contact, Adam slowly slid his hands up from Matt's waist and
brought them over his back. He felt the ridges of Matt's scar tissue through
his light cotton t-shirt. Matt stiffened but then forced himself to relax
and
accept Adam's caress.
Gently, Adam stroked up and down Matt's back in a soothing and undemanding
motion. After a few minutes of this coupled with a comfortable silence, Adam
reached for the hem of Matt's shirt and began to draw it up. It was then
that
Matt grabbed hold of Adam's forearms to halt his shirt's assent and said in
a
slightly panicked tone, "Wait."
Adam paused and could see the nervousness is Matt's eyes. "Shhh,"
he
said, then leaned down and began nibbling Matt's ear as he continued to
raise
his shirt. He broke the contact only briefly to fully remove the piece of
clothing and then promptly resumed his nibbling. With Matt's shirt out of
the
way, Adam could now run his hands over Matt's skin unimpeded. He took his
time
slowly learning the feel of the damaged flesh.
He had only ever seen Matt's back once one morning when he had entered the
bathroom just as Matt had been exiting the shower. It had been early in
their
relationship and after seeing the scars he had been shocked and concerned
while
Matt had been embarrassed and ashamed. Adam had rushed over asking Matt what
had happened while Matt had hurried to conceal his body. Afterwards, when
Matt
had been properly dressed they had sat down and Matt had told him how he had
been hurt.
Adam had been furious at what had happened to Matt and had wished that his
lowlife step dad were still alive just so Adam could kill him all over again
for what he did to Matt. Before that day, he had only known bits and pieces
of
Matt's troubled past. Now he understood Matt's fear of intimacy and
insecurity
over his body.
Just then Matt said, "Adam, please ... don't ..." and he tried to turn
away and escape from Adam's arms.
"It's okay, just relax. I want to touch you." Adam reassured
him.
"But it's disgusting. I'm disgusting." Adam could hear the tears
in
Matt's voice. He tightened his hold as Matt tried to withdraw again.
"You're perfect." Adam said. And to prove his point, he leaned
down
and pressed his mouth to one of the corded ridges protruding just off Matt's
right shoulder. Matt shuddered violently at the contact and tried to twist
his
head to dislodge Adams mouth. Not one to be easily discouraged, Adam simply
opened his mouth and used his tongue to lick along the top of the scar.
Matt's hands clenched on Adam's arms and he quickly sucked in a breath.
Adam's
tongue was pure exquisite pleasure, but Matt didn't want Adam to see or feel
that damaged part of his body. He was afraid that Adam would be turned off,
or
worse yet, repulsed. Throughout their entire relationship he had made sure
to
never expose this part of himself to possible examination, and except for
that
one day in the bathroom Adam had had no opportunity to see the extent of the
devastation on his body.
He had hoped that he would be able to show it to him slowly so as not to
frighten him. The only people that had ever seen him unclothed had been
doctors
and other medical professionals and they had always viewed him with abject
interest. He had no idea how a lover would react. Bracing himself for the
worst, Matt gathered his courage and looked at Adam. Instead of the
revulsion
he expected, Adam's gaze greeted him with love and caring in their
depths.
Beyond that, however, he could see intense, unadulterated lust burning in
Adam's eyes as he refocused his attention on Matt's shoulder. Swallowing a
little anxiously, Matt began noticing other things too. Like Adam's
erection,
hot and hard and heavy pressing up against his abdomen. And how whereas
Adam's
left hand rested on his back, his right hand was now cupping Matt's ass and
squeezing periodically.
Matt also noticed that his nipples were now hard and that his breathing had
increased under Adam's unrelenting ministrations. He could feel his own
genitals hardening and drawing tight. Fearing that he would humiliate
himself
if Adam continued, he began to push his palms insistently against Adam's
chest.
Adam stopped licking and looked at Matt who gasped out, "Please ... stop
... I
need ..."
Adam, understanding what Matt was trying to say, immediately grabbed hold of
Matt's hand and started leading him towards the bedroom.
*****
When Adam had woken up that morning, miserable after spending another night
alone in his cold bed without Matt, he'd had no idea that he would be ending
the night with his hot boyfriend in his arms. The blood that was rushing to
Adam's head was pounding so hard that he could barely hear himself think.
After
going a year and a half without sex and spending the last week miserable and
horny without Matt, Adam felt ready to combust.
Like a savage, he wanted to grab Matt and do everything to him at once. He
knew
how crucial it was that he hold on to his control for Matt's first sexual
experience. He had been through so much already and Adam would rather cut
off
his own arm than add to his pain.
The problem was that Matt was so fucking sexy and Adam had wanted him for so
long. It was like a child who had been denied candy for so long finally
being
given the keys to a candy store. Adam looked down at Matt, with his lips
slightly puffy and red from his rough kisses and his cheeks flushed. His
tight
little nipples stood out stiff and erect. Adam wanted to latch his mouth
onto
one of the little beads and suck to his heart's content.
Looking at Matt's torso, Adam felt his penis pushing painfully against its
denim prison. Matt had an amazing body. His chest was well-defined and
hairless
and Adam couldn't wait until he had him naked. He had to resist the urge to
push Matt to the floor and hump the shit out of him.
As they made their way to the back of the apartment, Matt's thoughts were
also
racing. He had spent so many years setting up boundaries that he was fairly
overwhelmed by what was happening. Even though he was scared, he was also
very
eager. He was finally going to take that final step with Adam. He couldn't
think
of anyone else he wanted to have this first time with.
They were approaching the door to Adam's bedroom and Matt's heart was
pounding.
When they reached the door and Adam led him inside, Matt knew that it was
now
or never.