Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 21:07:04
From: ineke s <ineke_sp@hotmail.com>
Subject: Heaven and hell

This is the first time I have written a story under my own name. Please
tell me what you think of it. All flames will be added to the fire that
burns happily inside my virtual fireplace.
ineke_sp@hotmail.com


Heaven and hell

Chapter one

Why?

That is all I want to know. Why?

I have been good, I have always listened to my parents, my teachers, the
law.

I have never intentionally hurt anyone, sure I have my faults but then
doesn't anyone? So I ask, why?

However, no one answers my question, no matter how hard I scream, no matter
how soft I whisper.

I love him and I know he loved me, he told me many times but did he stay
with me? No! He loved me but he left me anyway. I know he didn't plan on
leaving, he wanted to stay with me, and he planned on staying forever.

The night the car hit him I begged him to stay with me. I held him until
the ambulance people pulled me away. I rode the ambulance with him, I
pleaded to him in my mind. I know he could hear me, he always knew exactly
what I was thinking.

23.11 that is the exact time he left me, nobody had to tell me, I felt him
leaving.

I have never felt anything like it. It felt like a chill running up my
spine and a hole opened in my heart that could never be filled by anyone or
anything.

He hesitated for a few short moments I felt his spirit in front of me in
the cold hallway of the Springfield memorial hospital.

I heard a few whispered words in the silence of the night, the last
desperate attempts of a soul moving from this world unto the next to hold
on to his life. I felt his soul being torn away from mine, like someone
pulled away a part of me and left me bleeding.

His mother came to take me home. She put me to rest on his bed. I was numb
and I think I even slept for a while. Waking up was unlike anything I had
ever experienced. Slowly reality sank in, it was not a dream, he is dead,
the love of my life, my soulmate is gone.

I can't begin to describe the pain, the despair of that thought.

I cried out to him, "Don't go I need you, I can't live without you!"

His mom ran into the room and tried to calm me down, she said I should try
to eat something before the undertaker arrived. I tried, I really did but
after two bites from the sandwich she made I had to run for the bathroom
and empty my stomach.

The man from the funeral home came over to discuss the details of the
cremation. His mom told me to go ahead and do everything the way I thought
he would have wanted it. In fact I knew exactly what he wanted from the
discussion we had a few days earlier. He had wanted to talk about dealing
with this just in case something like this happened.

I think it is time for me to tell you a little about us before this gets to
confusing. My name is Allan and my lover's is Pete. We had been together
for 20 years before Pete's death. His mom accepted us from day one and I
haven't even seen my parents since they found out I am queer, as they so
kindly put it. I am 36 and so was Pete. We had been planning on getting
married for a long time but somehow we never found the time to do so.  Now
it is to late.

I planned the funeral just the way Pete wanted it, he thought we should
celebrate his life and not mourn his death. I tried to act according to his
wishes but god help me, how could I celebrate the end of my own life.

Our dear friend Alex read the beautiful poem 'funeral blues'


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My moon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


Pete loved that poem as much as I did so he wouldn't mind me using it to
try and express my feelings, even if I couldn't read it myself.

The crematorium was packed with friends, family, colleges and everybody
else you could imagine but I might as well have been alone. I don't really
remember much about it, I must have shaken a few hundred hands but I don't
recall any of that. I remember the coffin, I picked it out, it was black. I
remember the roses on it and the smell of death hanging in the air. My mind
is also crystal clear on every detail of the curtain hanging behind the
coffin. A deep shade of purple with black crooked lines woven into it.

I can instantly recall every note of the music played. But when I try to
think of the faces I saw, the people I must have talked to I draw a
complete blank.

After the funeral and the obligatory coffee table, Pete's mom and I sat
down and just stared into space for a long time.

Then she sat up straight and said: "Allen honey, now that you are my only
son left we are going to have to make it together"

That is what started the flood, I hadn't been able to cry for the whole
time. I had screamed until my throat almost bled but I hadn't cried. I had
been so scared that once I started I would never be able to stop. And I
couldn't, I cried for hours and Pete's mom held me the whole time. I fell
asleep in her arms and she must have been so stiff from holding me like a
baby the whole time but she never let go.

Chapter two

We met at the mall during summer holidays of the year I became 16, I saw
him and instantly fell for him. He was a little taller than me at 6'3" he
had beautiful thick black hair, hazel eyes with just a hint of gold in
them. Thin, slightly uneven lips, a little mole under his right eye. He had
this way of looking at the world from under his eyelashes that looked so
irresistible to me. He had a fire in those eyes that looked like it would
never burn out. I could read every emotion he had in his face, the minute
our eyes locked I knew he was mine, forever. Just as I knew I was his,
forever.

I have never been one to make friends easily but I had to do something to
make sure I would not loose this boy. I just stepped down next to him while
his gaze returned to the game he was playing. He played packman with so
much determination you would have thought his life depended on it. He must
have played for at least 35 minutes before giving it up and turning around
to look at me.

"Hi I'm Pete, and you are?"

"I'm Allen, nice to meet you."

"So Allen shall we go to my place? My mom is not home yet, so we can listen
to some music and play a few games."

That sounded good to me so we packed our stuff and I followed his lead,
just like I did for the next 20 years to come.

Back at his place he hung his coat and told me to do the same and to just
put my bag on the shelve. We walked into the big kitchen and Peter made us
both a sandwich, chicken and mustard which turned out to be his favourite.

He told me to make us a drink and we took everything up to his room.

He switched on the radio and we listened to the music for a while.

Pete sat down on his bed and made me sit next to him. With his eyes locked
onto mine he said something that scared the shit out of me but was also
what I had hoped for. "I am gay, are you?"

I almost choked on the sandwich, Pete giggled and slammed me on my back a
few times.

"Why do you think that?" I was able to croak out after I caught my breath.

"I don't know, just wishful thinking I guess, well are you?"

I took a deep breath, which almost brought back an other cough attack, and
just let go of my fear. "Yes I am, and I think I like you." There I had
said it.

"Good cause I like you too, can I kiss you?"

I giggled and blushed but I also nodded my head. Pete slowly moved in and
caressed my face with his hand. "You are so soft" he whispered.

I will never forget the first time our lips touched, no electricity, no
stars or bolds of lightning, to me it felt like I came home for the first
time ever. It felt like finally I belonged somewhere. We kissed like that
for a long time but we never even opened our mouths. Funny, somehow we
didn't even think of that.

I spent the first night after that lying awake and dreaming of Pete. Not
that I was going to get any sleep anyway, my loving parents picked that
night to have an other fight.

I dreamt of taking long walks on a stormy beach, talking for hours,
cuddling in each others arms. I didn't think about sex at all that first
night.

The next morning Pete called, to ask if I wanted to spend the day with
him. My mother was glad to be rid of me so she wasn't going to object.

Pete picked me up on his moped and we drove around town for a few hours, I
liked sitting behind Pete's back and being able to hold him without people
staring. For lunch we stopped at a little cafe and after that we took a
long walk on the beach, it was a little windy and there was no sun, I loved
every second of it, it was so peaceful. We walked side by side and touched
as much as possible without being too obvious. As we followed the beach
line we talked about everything you could imagine our hopes and dreams,
likes and dislikes, past and future. I didn't tell him about my life at
home though, I didn't want to spoil a perfect day and he was only going to
feel sorry for me anyway and I didn't need that so why bother.

We arrived at Pete's home a little after sunset, he invited me in and asked
his mom if I could stay for dinner. She smiled and said she would like to
know who I was first. Pete slammed his head with his hand and laughed:
"sorry mom this is Allen, the guy I told you about last night."

"Hi Allen very nice to meet you and you are welcome to stay for dinner if
you want to."

I blushed and giggled, god I hate it when I do that in front of grownups,

"Thank you ma'am, I would love to stay for dinner but can I call my parents
please?" I went into the living room and pretended to make a phone call I
knew I didn't have to bother calling home but I didn't want them to know
that.

A few hours and a great home cooked meal later it was time for me to go
home, Pete drove me on his moped and I hugged him as tight as possible.

It was so hard for me to believe I had only met him the night before, I
couldn't possibly imagine life without him. I would die without him, I know
it sounds so melodramatic but that is how I felt.

We said our good-bye's and sneaked in a kiss or two but before I went in
Pete wanted to know if I could spend the night with him tomorrow. He said
his mom wouldn't mind because she liked me. I hoped she did because we had
spent the whole evening talking. I said I had to check with my mother but
that I didn't think she would mind. That must have been the understatement
of the year, I know she wouldn't even notice if I hadn't come home for a
month. Pete stole a last kiss from my lips and turned around to leave. I
watched him disappear into the night and as his taillights died down, I
felt so lonely and cold.

I opened the front door and heard them fighting again, I didn't even bother
to show my face and went straight upstairs. God I don't even hate them
anymore I don't feel anything but contempt for both of them. Why do they
even stay together, they hate each other, they have ever since my brother
killed himself. They blame each other and have forgotten about me. They
don't even know I exist anymore. My brother was their favourite child,
bright, funny, and sparkling. Until he became sick, he was schizophrenic
and couldn't deal with it so he found a tree and hung himself.

I must have been real tired cause I slept like a baby the whole night and I
didn't hear any of the fighting.

Pete picked me up after breakfast and took me to his house. He had to do
some chores around the house and then we could go. I helped him and enjoyed
myself just as much as I had the day before. We mowed the lawn, cleaned out
the garage, put the trash out and more stuff like that. When we were done
Pete's mom had milk and cookies for us, can you believe that! She was just
so sweet, I wished my mother could be like that but she never was, not even
when my brother was still around.

We decided to go for a swim so I had to go and pick up a pair of swim
shorts. Pete drove me and came in with me, that was a big mistake, my
parents were both home and, of course, fighting. They didn't even stop when
they saw us come in. They looked at us and just kept on yelling and
screaming. I took Pete's arm and pulled him with me to my room. I packed
some stuff and ran out like the house was on fire, with Pete on my tail.

He looked at me but didn't say a word, it was like he knew not to ask me
about the scene he just witnessed but I knew right away that he would ask
me when we were alone.

We went swimming and horsed around and played in the pool like a couple of
kids, which of course we where. We stayed in the pool until closing time
mainly because I didn't want to answer any questions. But eventually we had
to go. Pete's mom told us to order in some pizzas because she was going to
a friends house for the evening and perhaps she would stay over.

Pete teased her a bit and told her not to do anything he wouldn't do

She winked at him and told him that was her business and not his. "Ah mom I
don't want to know that." He whined and I just blushed as usual.

She laughed and left us alone, telling us to behave and then she winked
again. I wondered what she knew about us.

We ordered our pizza and put on a film to watch while waiting, it turned
out to be a great film and we watched in silence Pete sitting against the
couch and me between his legs my back against his chest and my head resting
on his shoulder. I felt happy and safe but also afraid for his questions.

After we had eaten and watched an other film I got more and more nervous
and Pete still hadn't asked anything. Suddenly it got too much for me and I
blurted out, "why don't you ask me about it!"

Pete wrapped his arms around me and asked, "why don't you tell me about
it?"

I took a deep shaky breath and started to cry, "because I don't know were
to start and because I'm scared that when I start I won't be able to stop."

"It's okay, just start at the beginning and tell me what you feel
comfortable with I won't push you."

So I started talking, I told him about my life from the beginning, about
how I always came second to my brother, about how he tried to protect me
from everything, about how much I loved him and finally about how angry I
was at him for leaving me. I must have talked for two hours straight and he
never interrupted me, he just listened. I tried to explain to him how I
felt about my parents. I told him about the birthday parties my brother had
and about the times they forgot my birthday. I told him what a
disappointment I was to them, how I never was any good at sports, how I
wasn't as smart as my brother. I even confessed to him my desire to be
loved unconditionally, no matter what, not to have to walk on my toes to
please people that just didn't think I was good enough.

I cried so much my eyes hurt, my throat hurt. I tried to crawl into his
body to be safe I curled up like a baby and he held me while I fell asleep.

When I woke up Pete's mom was staring down at us and I lay on top of him,
he was still asleep. She motioned for me to be quiet and follow her. I
thought for sure she would kick me out and I was scared to death. When I
walked into the kitchen after her she shut the door and turned around, I
braced myself for the assault. She looked so grim and angry. Then she did
something I will never forget for as long as I live, she grabbed me and
hugged me so tight, she pulled down my head and stroked my hair. She didn't
say a word and just waited for me to relax and accept the hug. When my
brain finally caught up with what happened I started to cry, again.

Then she let go of me and smiled, "Go back to Pete, we'll talk in the
morning goodnight sweetie."

-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-

Chapter 3

I walked back into the living room and reclaimed my place on top of Pete.

He wrapped his arms around me but didn't wake up and I laid my head down
and fell right asleep.

The next morning I woke up because someone was caressing my butt, I smiled
and nuzzled into Pete's neck. He made a sound like he was purring and I
gently kissed his neck and started to lick it. the purring turned into
moaning and I continued my assault on his neck, a little more forceful this
time. Pete slowly started moving his hips and soon he was no longer the
only one moaning. I made a trail of kisses from his neck to his mouth and
just when I was about to devour his mouth we heard someone clear their
throat.

I tensed up and jumped to my feet but Pete just moaned, "ah mom don't do
that please." and he smiled at her.

My jaw dropped to the floor and I didn't know what to do or say.

"Allen relax will you, my mom knows I am gay and she has no problems with
it."

"But you looked so mad last night when you saw us on the couch, I don't get
it." I managed to mumble.

"I am sorry sweetie if you thought that, the only reason I looked angry was
because you looked so scared and that hurt me, you shouldn't have to be
afraid to tell anyone you're gay, believe me it had nothing to do with
you."

"I believe it shouldn't matter what your sexuality is nobody should be
judged by that. I just wish more people could believe that."

I had wanted to hear words like that for so long, I did what I seemed to do
all the time these days and cried some more. The rest of the day was spent
talking, eating, watching some TV and playing a few card games. I enjoyed
myself and so did Pete and his mom. It almost felt like we where a family
and every now and than the thought of me having to go home would come up
but I pushed it away together with the unpleasant feelings accompanying it.

We were in the middle of a very noisy game when the doorbell rang and
Pete's mom went to open the door. Pete and I just kept on playing and took
turns in playing his mom's cards, we where laughing and cheating and
constantly touching and tickling each other. We heard voices in the kitchen
but didn't really take notice of them. I had gotten up to go and use the
bathroom when Pete pulled me on his lap and kissed me and than the kitchen
door opened and a man walked into the den. He looked at us made some
incoherent noises and disappeared again. Some arguing sounds came from the
kitchen now and we just looked at each other and wondered what that was all
about. Pete's mom came in and told us to just go ahead and play she would
be out for a short while and be back in time for dinner. She smiled and
said "everything is okay I just need to have a talk with him, he got a
little shock from you guys, nothing to worry about."

After they left the house Pete and I went up to his room to listen to some
music. About an hour later Pete's mom came home and called us. When we
walked into the living room they stood in from of the fire place. The man
smiled kind of sheepishly and blushed a little. "Ehm hi boys I'm sander, a
friend of your mom's, I guess I made a fool of myself didn't I?"

Pete and I looked at each other and shrugged then Pete said, "yeah I guess
you did, but we didn't know what to think so if you care to enlighten us."

"Ehm... well you see... I knew you are gay and a couple and I don't
mind... I mean I am okay with it... God I'm making an even bigger fool of
myself now aren't I? I mean why would you care what I think of your
relationship?

Ok all I want to say is I'm sorry for the way I reacted it's just you sort
surprised me."

And then there was silence and everybody just stared at each other but that
didn't last long and suddenly everybody started talking. "I am ok." "I
don't mind." "Pete honey." "Allan are you."

And everybody stopped talking again, the next second we were all laughing
our asses of. That broke the ice, and I reached out my hand to shake
Sander's hand, Pete did the same. "Nice to meet you Sander, how are you?"

"Oh I'm okay now that my foot is out of my mouth."

"Hehehe you didn't do so bad." Pete said, "we will probably get reactions
that are a lot worse than yours."

"I am afraid you will son, I wish I could tell you otherwise."

We had a very nice evening after that and Sander tried his very best to
make up for his 'foot in mouth situation' as he called it.

At about eleven Pete asked if I shouldn't be getting home, "I'll take you
home when you want to go ok?"

"Ok baby, I think you had better drive me home. I'm tired."

I said my good-byes and we drove of. When we got to my home we could hear
them going at it again. God when are they going to divorce or kill each
other. Pete took me in his arms to comfort me and then the curtains flew
open and I stared into my fathers face. I don't think I will ever forget
the look of pure hate he had in his eyes. He ran to the door and yelled at
me he never wanted to see my queer face ever again in his life. My mother
stood behind him and didn't even try to take my side. Not that that
surprised me. He yelled, "Get the hell of my property and don't ever show
your ugly queer face here ever again understand me, I have no son."

I felt Pete start to move and stopped him, I couldn't talk but I pulled him
away I know how strong my father is and didn't want Pete to get hurt.

When we started to drive away my mother ran after me and I felt so relieved
that she was coming after me but that didn't last long. "You can come and
pick up your stuff tomorrow afternoon when we are gone, that will be your
last chance, after we come home all the locks will be changed. I agree with
him I never want to see you again. Take whatever you need."

Pete drove off not giving me a chance to say anything else. Pete's mom and
Sander where very surprised to see us both again, I started to tell what
happened but I soon broke down in tears and Pete took over. Pete's mom said
that I would of course stay with them, until my parents had a chance to
cool down and if they didn't I would just stay.

That night I slept in Pete's arms and cried myself to sleep, not once but
at least five times. I would wake up all groggy and comfortable in Pete's
arms and then it would hit me, they kicked me out! Oh god, what am I going
to do. I don't know why it hit me so hard, I mean I know they don't love
me, hell that was about the only thing they didn't forget to tell me. But
somewhere deep inside I guess I still hoped, somehow I still wanted their
approval. How fucked up is that.

Pete woke me up at eleven the next morning, "Baby wake up, you need to eat
something before we go and pick up your stuff, Sander and mom are coming to
help us."

I slowly opened my eyes, at least I tried, they seemed to have a mind of
their own though. I rubbed my eyes and tried again but to no avail. Pete
went to the bathroom and got me a wet and cold washcloth that helped a
little at least now I could see. My eyes where all swollen and my face
hurt.

I tried to clear my mind and just go on auto pilot but I think I acted more
like a zombie. Pete had to help me with everything because my legs just
turned to jelly when I got out of bed. After a hot shower and breakfast I
felt a little better and started to make a fuss about Pete's mom and Sander
coming along. I didn't want to give my parents a reason to call the cops
and I knew that they would if they felt provoked. Sander explained to me he
was a lawyer and that they couldn't do much because I would have invited
them. He said they could never legally disown me even if they wanted to.

I don't know if he told me the truth or not but I decided to believe him
and the four of us went to my home, or more accurate the home of my
parents.

It took us about half an hour to gather the things I wanted to take. I took
my stereo and LP's, my clothes and a few pictures of my brother and me. The
rest of the stuff in my room could go up in flames for all I cared. I know
that sounds a little violent but I can't help it that is the way I felt
then.

Back at Pete's house we unpacked my stuff in his bedroom when we put our
records together it turned out that we had about half of them double. We
also had two stereos and an enormous amount of clothes though mine where
easy to separate from his since they were all black. Pete told me to hang
my pictures wherever I wanted them but it was enough for me to know I had
them. I just put them in a plastic bag and carefully lay them in the
closet.

When we where done we went down for tea and Pete's mom said she wanted to
talk to us. She said, "First of all now that it looks like you'll be living
here I think I would prefer you'd call me Sarah in stead of ma'am. Second I
think you boys should consider moving to the attic there is a lot more room
there and as you know Pete it even has it's own bathroom and entry." She
turned to me before adding, "It was meant as a place for the son of the
former owner to be living alone under his parents roof but he chose college
instead."

"Now don't get me wrong here boys, you are NOT moving out you will still
answer to my rules and Pete can inform you on them, but I think you are old
enough to have privacy." And with a twinkle in her eyes she added, "I know
I can use some of that."

"Wow mom," Pete yelled, choosing not to hear her last remark, "you are the
best mom ever, you know that." He was so exited he couldn't sit still he
just kept jumping up and down, he was so adorable I couldn't help but grin.

"When can we start moving our stuff up there, I want to paint it first, and
put up new wallpaper. Let's go pick some out right now can we mom?"

"Hey, hey calm down will you, I haven't seen you like this in years. Hehe I
like this, my son all hyped up. First we are going to shop around for
wallpaper, paint, curtains and a double bed."

"MOM! My bed is just fine, we will manage."

"I know you will sweetie but I want you to have a decent bed, you need your
sleep to function during the day it's important that you have a good bed
and I don't want to hear any more about it ok?"

We both answered in unison "Yes ma'am"

"That is a lot better, now lets go."

We went to town in Pete's mom's car, it would take me some time to get used
to calling her Sarah. We went into every store you can possibly imagine. We
bought wallpaper, paint, paintings, stuff for decorating the room,
curtains, carpet, lamps, you name it we bought it and then some.

The next week I didn't have time to think we where kept busy from dawn till
dusk and the second my head hit my pillow I slept. Of course that was
exactly what was meant to happen, Sarah figured she would get me through
that first week and then we would talk when the really nasty edges had
gone.

She was right, when we had our room ready and spend the first night there I
felt happy, more happy than I had been in a long time if not ever.

Pete was here with me, I was loved and cared for.

That first night was magical, that is the only way to describe it. Pete and
I took a long hot shower together and slowly washed each other from head to
toe. When we where completely relaxed we used big fluffy towels to dry each
other off. We walked into the bedroom hand in hand and Pete put a romantic
record on and took me in his arms for a slow dance. After a few minutes of
slow dancing he led me to the bed and gently pushed me down. "I love you
baby, I want to make love to you but only if you are ready."

"I have never been more ready, I love you so much Pete, please make love to
me."

He slowly lay down on top of me and kissed me long and sweet, our tongues
sliding passed each other gently caressing our mouths. His hands stroking
my body. I felt so warm inside I can't begin to describe the emotions that
whirled around in my body. We made sweet love that night Pete's body joined
with mine and later on I joined with his. I kinda feel like that part of
our relationship is too personal to talk about right now.

Chapter 4

The next morning we had a lot of things to take care of. I had to get my
address changed in school and at work, Sander was going to help me with the
legal stuff. Sarah told me not to worry about money, school was paid for
the rest of the year and we would find a way to pay for it next year.

The first nasty surprise came one day before school was supposed to start,
the money that should have been paid had been withdrawn and I got a phone
call saying I needed to pay within 24 hours or I would not be able to come
to class. Sander got on the phone and ushered us out of the room, I don't
know how he did it or even what he did but it took him about an hour and my
parents paid in full.

Now I wasn't in the same school Pete was and I didn't like that one bit.
Neither did he for that matter. So after the first day we started plotting
together to have me transferred to his school. Little did we know that
Sarah was way ahead of us. She had already gotten the transfer papers and
made some phone calls to see if I could transfer. At the dinner table that
evening we started by comparing my school to Pete's and Pete's school came
out on top on every single subject. I started to wonder out loud why I
hadn't gone to that school in the first place cause it sounded so much
better than the one I was in. Sarah just smiled her wise smile and said
nothing. We kept this up for a while and when we got no result at all we
gave up and later that night tried to think of a new strategy.

The next day after school Sarah picked us up and took us out to dinner.
Sander was meeting us at the restaurant. We had a nice dinner and made a
lot of small talk, very pleasant. Then Sarah said she had a little present
for me and handed me an envelope. I raised my eyebrows in surprise and
slowly opened it while I watched Pete to see if he knew anything about
this. He just shrugged and shook his head. I opened the envelope and took
out the papers. Slowly it started to dawn on me what I had in my hands and
I let out a loud YES! The whole restaurant stared at me but I didn't give a
damn. She gave me the transfer papers from my old school to Pete's school,
we where going to be in the same class too. I felt ecstatic and I did what
I do best, I cried. No one had ever been nice to me and now I was
surrounded by people that did nothing but nice things for me, god knows why
they choose me but they did and I'll be damned if I'm going to question it.

To be continued.

Copyright ien , 2001
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