HOW WILL I GO ON ?

The following fictional story deals with sex among males. If you are offended by such material, are too young, or reside in an area where it is not allowed, depart.


Though not observed in this story, care enough about yourself and humankind to practice safe sex.

'You could move.'

— Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood

The author retains all rights. No reproductions or links to other sites are allowed without the author's consent.

Thanks to my big bro Tim for proofing, editing and some suggestions, and to my Dad for his encouragement the last time I talked to him.

Thanks again to everyone that's read and emailed about the story. With the posting of each new chapter I've received emails and words of encouragement from both current fans and new readers. It's a real shot in the arm to know just how many people are reading the story.

Ash - asherbradley@yahoo.com

Chapter 7



As I rose through the grey mists of sleep to consciousness, the time when you're aware that you should be waking up but are still fighting it, I realized that someone's hand was holding mine.  I wasn't sure who it was. Things seemed particularly fuzzy this morning, but I hoped with all my heart it was Bryan. "Shaun?" I thought to myself. Your one lucky fucker to have a stud guy like Bryan in this bed. Rolling over and opening my eyes I saw the body in a chair beside the bed. Forcing my eyes to focus I realized it wasn't Bryan, it was Ash Bradley.  Suddenly the memories of yesterday came flooding back to me.

"Oh GOD!" escaped my lips before I could stop it, causing the stud beside my bed to stir and open his eyes in response.  Dropping my hand Ash yawned and stretched, looking for all the world like he was having a seizure. .  Even realizing what I had done to Ash, and that he could never love me, I couldn't help but ogle him as he stretched. Probably not quite six feet tall with fine blond hair, and a slim build, his face was angular with a square jaw and high cheekbones. His tee shirt rode up revealing tight abs, also exposing the stark white waistband and first inch of his Calvin Kleins. Briefs or boxer briefs, it didn't matter, I love tight white undies on a guy and my cock started stirred in response to Ash's display. The way his body was arched I couldn't miss the pronounced bulge of what looked like morning wood

"Hey babe, good to see you're still with us!"  Were the words that came from his mouth.  I was surprised; both to find him here holding my hand when I woke up and at his casual, familiar, even caring comment.  My first instinct was to turn over and hide from him. He should be angry at me, disappointed that I didn't kill myself, at the very least upset that I was screwing up his vacation.  Why was he here and not my uncle? I would have thought that after the revelation yesterday that I'd killed his partner he would avoid me like the plague?  This was confusing! I couldn't reconcile the smile on his face, the look in his eyes and his casual greeting, with the fact that he knew I'd killed his partner.

Ash rose from the chair and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, taking my hand again and reaching up with his other to brush the hair from my eyes, his fingers grazing my cheek as he withdrew it.

"We've been worried about you Shaun; you gave us all quite a scare, especially your uncle!  You've been out of things for almost twenty four hours, except for the time when we were talking yesterday.  You and I have a lot to talk about today. Dr Selby is going to help. He's a psychologist that I met here yesterday.  Right up front I want to tell you that I don't hate you!  Quite the opposite, I find that I care a great deal about you. Your attempt to kill yourself really shook me."

I struggled to sit up, hindered somewhat by Ash sitting on the covers.  Once he realized what was happening he rose and helped me sit up, before settling back on the bed. I found myself scared that Ash wouldn't accept what I really needed to do, but opened my arms and looked at him, asking him with my eyes whether I could get a hug.  He smiled and opened his arms to me, wrapping me in his warmth and scent.  A sob escaped my lips as I realized just how good a man Ash was, how good a friend he would be. He squeezed me harder and rubbed my back and I relaxed into his grip, his musky, masculine scent bringing memories flooding into my mind.


We'd been friends since our first fight in the seventh grade. He'd tried to butt in front of me in line for the bus. Me being the more or less silent type I almost let him, but I'd been in line before him and I wasn't in a mood to be pushed around that morning.  I politely but forcefully told him that he could just go to the end of the line.  He replied with the required "who's going to make me" and I calmly stuck one foot out sort of behind his leg and shoved. He fell over just as he was supposed to. That martial arts class had come in handy.   He bounded back up and probably would have pounded me except for the fact that the bus came and I was saved by the crush of bodies pressing to climb aboard.  Bryan ended up relegated to the end of the line where he belonged.

That afternoon I was surprised when he plopped down next to me for the trip home.  He apologized, saying that he had been in a bad mood that morning.  They had just moved into the neighborhood and he couldn't find anything in his room and wasn't looking to starting in a new school. He had decided to take it out on someone.  I had just been convenient.  

I accepted his apology and as we talked we realized that we actually had a lot in common. We both liked to swim, put together model rockets, were Boy Scouts, loved to bike, and hated Sunday school. Our friendship progressed quickly, and by the time we were fourteen or so I was hiding the fact that I was in love with him.

Whenever we slept over at each other's houses, I always tried to outlast him going to sleep.  I loved it when we stripped down to change or to sleep, and I practically drooled when we went swimming and I could watch him draw his Speedo up over his butt.  Oh to be Lycra!!  But most of all I loved being able to be able to watch Bryan sleep.  His body, all five foot nine of it, relaxed, his dick and balls nestled in the white briefs we both wore, chest rising and falling slowly.  His light brown hair would fall across his face, and I would sometimes reach up and very gently brush it back so I could see him clearly.  His full lips slightly open, I could sometimes see his tongue and wondered what it would be like to kiss him.  He was beautiful to me and I relished the times when we shared a bed.  Once he was asleep I could move over close to him, share his warmth, enjoying the feel of his skin if I was lucky enough.  Often I would wake in the morning with his arm or leg thrown over me, his morning hard on sometimes evident against my back or butt.

When we met neither of us had progressed too far into puberty. Seeing each other so often and spending nights together we had been embarrassed one morning when we both woke up hard. We had finally, laughingly, acknowledged that we both had them and they became a non issue.  As puberty progressed our cocks naturally grew and, much like when we were younger and first noticing, we were once again embarrassed by the display in our briefs in the mornings.  

Curiosity won out eventually and we compared.  I was five inches and he was four and a half. At fourteen or so, and with no basis for comparison, we thought that was huge.  Little did we realize then that we'd both continue to grow.  I found myself watching Bryan, how he moved, combed his hair, dressed, acted, and trying to emulate him. I also found myself drawn to see him with as little clothing as possible.  We were both 16 when we finally touched each other.

We had been swimming at the YMCA and were heading to the locker room to leave.  While rinsing off in the showers he casually peeled his Speedo down his hips.  It was something I'd seen him do many times before, but this time our positions were just right. I was treated to a view of his tight white buns and rosebud, everything set off by his tan lines. My cock rose to steely hard quicker than I could imagine.

"Come on Shaun, take it off!" Bryan taunted me as he turned to face me. He fell silent when he realized that I was rock solid in my suit.  

"Whoa dude, that's impressive.  The suit really makes it look huge."

I couldn't believe it when he reached over and groped my package, exclaiming about how cool my hard on looked in my Speedo. After cruising his ass and asshole I was wired. His squeezing of my hard cock caused me to groan and I came, shooting a huge wad of hot cum before, slumping forward, my head on Bryan`s shoulder.
"WOW Shaun, I can't believe you just shot like that! I barely touched you dude!  Awesome!!" Bryan exclaimed.  He pushed me upright and looked around.  "You better get that suit off and rinsed so we can get outta here.  I got some questions for you when we get home.  I want to know exactly what got you so horned!"

I confessed my love for him that day, fully expecting to be either beaten or shunned.  Bryan actually turned out to be very understanding.  He wasn't sure about his feelings, but we talked and ended up in our first mutual jerk off session.  It was glorious,and actually getting to touch him was a dream come true.

Two years later we celebrated my eighteenth birthday by making love, sweet gentle love.  We were at my house after school and I had asked Bryan to take my cherry.   We had progressed to trading blow jobs during the last two years, so I wanted to take the next step. He had hesitantly agreed.  We started out as usual, undressing ourselves, but as I removed my pants Bryan stopped me from continuing, saying he wanted to complete the job.  He was completely naked now and moved close in front of me, his hard cock brushing the front of my briefs.  Raising his hands he cupped my face and brought his mouth to mine, our lips touching softly before his tongue sought entrance. The kiss was soft and sensual, and by the time we broke apart we were both breathless.  Gazing into my eyes he moved in for another kiss as his hands stroked down my sides into my underwear and grasped my ass cheeks.  

He kneaded and lifted my butt while we kissed,slowly working his way closer to my untouched anus.  When his probing fingers first touched me there I jerked and pressed tighter to Bryan.  In return he held me closer with his left arm while gently circling and probing my hole with his right.  His fingers left my ass and appeared where our mouths were still locked together. We moved as one to suck and lick his fingers, wetting them, slobbering on them, making them slick, tasting a slight bit of my ass in the process.  Knowing what we were doing and where that finger had been made me even hotter and I pulled back practically gasping for breath.  Bryan's fingers moved back to my ass, circling my hole, slicking it up before pressing one finger through.  I shivered and held him tight as he proceeded to insert his finger as far as he could in the position we were in.  Once completely in, Bryan squeezed me tight and started a slow in and out motion with his finger.   I was relaxed, knowing that Bryan wouldn't hurt me, loving the feeling and motion of his finger.  When he slipped a second finger in alongside the first, all I could do was groan and try to move my legs farther apart to give him better access.

Time was passing as if in slow motion. I have no idea how long we were locked in that embrace, mouths together, tongues dueling, his fingers probing and loosening my ass.  The next thing I remember was that I was on my bed on my back with Bryan kneeling between my legs.  His hands were stroking down my legs, reaching my feet and softly massaging them.  When he started back up my legs, he snagged my knees on the way and raised them to my check, smoothly moving his mouth to my balls in the process.  Feeling his tongue on my balls caused me to tighten my muscles, raising my ass off the bed and unconsciously moving my slick hole directly into the path of his tongue.  As his rough slick organ slid over my asshole he pressed it tight and quickly moved to support my ass on his hands. He started probing my ass immediately.

"Oh Bryan, what are you doing to me? That feels so wonderful! OH, right there!"

A few more moments of exquisite pleasure and Bryan moved forward, resting my butt on his knees.  Drooling some saliva into his palm he slicked his cock up and raised up just enough to rest it on my hole.  I opened my eyes to see him staring at me and, eyes locked on each other, he gently entered my body.

"Bryan, that's so wonderful. I feel so full, so warm, so slick. OH GOD Bryan your so hot inside me. I've wanted you to do this for so long." I was babbling.

Bryan was smiling down at me and moving slowly and steadily in and out of my body, changing his angle, making it as good as he could. When he hit my prostate, I moaned and smiled at him, moving closer to my own explosion.

When Bryan reached his climax he sped up to fever pitch and buried himself in me as deep as possible, stroking his way though his orgasm with short jerky motions that pounded my whole perineum and massaged my prostate just right.  As his explosions settled down mine took off, I splattered my chest and his with cum, the first blast hitting my in my own panting mouth.  As Bryan leaned down to kiss me we shared my cum, spreading it around our lips before licking things clean.

Unfortunately that was also the day that we were discovered by my father.  In a classic story, he came home early from work, and while walking down the hall to his bedroom to change, looked in my open door. I was still on my back, knees up, my glistening hole being slowly and sensuously probed by Bryans still hard, now seven inch, cock.

"What the fuck!" was the exclamation that changed my life. Bryan and I hastily broke apart and covered up with the sheets. My father was never one for hysterics.  He walked from my room, slamming the door as he went.  Bryan and I were completely dressed when he returned. He calmly told Bryan to leave and when he had, equally calmly told me that I was no longer his son. I could live there until school was out but I had to go immediately after that. He also said that he would tell my mother.  She told me later that he'd told her what he'd discovered, that she was disappointed with me, and that she agreed with my father. Letting me finish school was their only concession. My hasty departure immediately after graduation was still required.

That evening I was out driving around, nowhere to go in particular[.]  I just had to get out of the house. Even though it was raining I'd gone down to the local Sonic and got a soda, something that Bryan and I had loved to do. Unfortunately the memories that soda brought back started the tears flowing and I left, driving much too fast considering the conditions.  When I woke up after the crash I was in the hospital for observation. I wasn't informed until the next day that I'd killed a man.  

Bryans parents had been better about things than mine but they didn't want us together either.  Worse than that, Bryan had turned away from me. I hadn't talked to him except in school in five months.  

About two weeks before graduation I was considering suicide.  I had no where to go and no one to talk to about things. The months following the accident were a blur of court appearances and lawyer meetings.  I was surprised that I was even graduating considering the decline in my schoolwork. Wednesday the twenty-first was the turning point.

"Here!" my father said, as he threw an envelope at me.

I opened it and found a plane ticket, one way to San Francisco.

"Your uncle Hunter has agreed to take you in. He's "like you"! He at least had the decency to not embarrass the family. When he decided he was queer, he moved away. I haven't seen him in years but your mother insisted that I call him."

"Thanks!" was all I could think to murmur as he turned and walked away.

My uncle Hunter, who I vaguely remembered, was gay and had agreed to take me in.  Try as I might I couldn't put a face to him. I had been little when he'd moved and I can't remember his name ever being mentioned in the house.  That he'd take me in at least gave me some hope that my life wasn't over.

The day after graduation my parents both went off to work as usual, not even taking me to the airport. Suitcase packed, ready to go; I sat on the front porch with tears in my eyes, waiting for the airport limo.


I pulled back from Ash and wiped my eyes on the sleeve of the hospital gown I was wearing.  Looking at him I noticed that his hair was sticking up in odd places and there was an imprint from the chair fabric on one cheek from where his head had been laying. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You're looking a little worse for wear Ash.  I think you could use a nice hot shower!"

"You think so HUH, mister frizzy head?  I'll bet I could, probably smell a little funky too! But we didn't want to leave you alone. I sent Hunter and Patrick home last night.  I thought that it was important that I be here when you woke up."

There were so many thoughtsdancing around in my head at that moment that I'm surprised a question could be formulated, but what I had to ask was instantly clear in my mind.

"WHY, Ash, why would you even want to be here with me?"

Drawing me back into a hug Ash whispered in my ear.

"Shaun I'm not sure that I can answer that question. I don't understand things completely myself.  What I do know is that on the plane I saw a vulnerable kid that was being thrown away by his family.  I can't believe that anyone can do that, but I know it happens.  I was immediately drawn to you because of that. Talking and getting to know you on that flight was great.  Learning that you were involved in the accident that killed Jacob was a horrible revelation for me.  For the last six months I hated you, not you specifically, but the kid that had killed the love of my life. Now I seem to be ready to immediately forgive you for killing Jacob, I can't quite figure that out.  I'm really interested in hearing what Dr. Selby has to say."

"Well, no matter what, I'm hoping that you can forgive me. That was a horrible time for me. My parents finding out I'm gay, being "disowned" and the accident. Everything seemed to be falling apart.  Please accept my apology for all the hurt I've caused you."

Ash smiled at me and reached out to lay his hand on the side of my head.

"Apology accepted, dude! Now what say we both get cleaned up a bit? I'm gonna run down the hall to the public restroom. Your bathrooms over there so you can clean yourself up. I should think that breakfast would be delivered soon."

I was a bit unsteady when I stood and Ash steadied me until I got my balance. Once he was sure I was maneuvering on my own, he headed for the door.  Looking in the bathroom mirror I discovered that my hair was all over the place and I needed a shave.  Stepping over to the toilet I aimed and let loose with my morning piss. I hadn't realized just how badly I had to go until things started flowing.  I was amazed just how long it took me to empty my tank.  Figuring that a shower was a good place to start and since there was a shower stall in the spartan bathroom I slipped off the hospital gown and stepped in.  The hot water felt great. I stood there for several minutes just soaking in the warmth, emptying my mind and letting the water wash away as much of the mental baggage that I could.  I was startled from my reverie by a soft cough. Turning and looking I noticed a good looking young nurse with her head turned, holding out a towel. Stammering "thank you" I grabbed the towel and turned my back to her, placing the towel on the grab bar opposite the shower head.

"Nice buns, toots. Your breakfast is in the room for you!"  was what I heard just before the door closed.

I was hungry, but unwilling to give up the shower.  I took the soap and started scrubbing top to bottom. My cock responded quickly when I started scrubbing my ass and perineum, throbbing for release when I brought my hand around and stroked it with my soapy fist. If Ash hadn't chosen that time to nudge the door and tell me he was back and that breakfast was waiting I'm sure I would have quickly decorated the shower wall with my gism.  

I emerged from the bathroom clean but unshaven, wearing the stupid gown, and nothing else.  I hated putting on dirty underwear so my briefs were in my hand.  Sitting on the edge of the bed was Ash. He raised an eyebrow at my briefs but said nothing.  My breakfast was sitting on a tray by the bed, soft scrambled eggs, limp toast, a fruit cup, juice and coffee.

"You know, I could probably afford to front you breakfast in the cafeteria! We've got to be able to find something better than this." Ash stated waving a hand at the not too appealing meal before us.

"Well that might be true Ash, but I don't think that I'd better be running around too much in this gown." I spun around in a circle, flashing my buns at him. "It don't hide much!"

"Shaun, if mine was that good looking I don't think I'd want to hide it.  Of course I can see your not wanting to flash those buns at most of the nurses around here.  Your clothes are probably in the wardrobe cabinet. Why don't you check?"

He was right, so I dressed in yesterday's clothing minus briefs, which I stuffed in my pocket. Stupid, right?  Ash rubbed my back as we exited the room to find the elevator.



Hunter stirred beside me, turning over to face away from me and pulling the blanket higher on his body.  I had been awake and watching him for about thirty minutes.  Originally I had awoken because I had a piss hard on that wouldn't go away.  As I crawled back into bed my movements just have woken Hunter.

"Hey Patrick! What the matter, you alright?" his speech was barely audible.

"Yeah dude, I'm fine. Just needed to drain the lizard." I whispered.

Hunter grunted an acknowledgment and rose from the bed, also headed to the john. Ahh the power of suggestion!  When Hunter pulled the covers back over himself after returning to bed, his breathing almost immediately returned to that of peaceful sleep.  I, on the other hand, lay there wide awake, watching Hunter.  He looked so peaceful there, snoring softly and occasionally shifting in his sleep. I lay there for quite a while before I moved down under the covers and spooning up to Hunter's back, throwing my arm over him.  His warmth and scent soon had me back to sleep.

When the alarm went off at seven we were still in that position.  Hunter stirred and slapped the snooze bar on the clock before turning over to look at me.  He smiled, showing straight, white teeth, and leaned forward enough to kiss me on the nose.

"Patrick, thank you for last night. I really did need the companionship.  I don't know that I could have come back here alone without getting very upset.  Shaun is like a little brother I never had."

I laughed a little and smiled back at the handsome man I was in bed with.

"No problem Hunter.  Under the circumstances nobody should be alone.  How old are you anyway?  There doesn't seem to be that big an age difference between you and Shaun."

"I'm thirty-four dude, an ol' man!  Actually I'm fifteen years younger than my brother. Not sure whether I was a mistake or not."

"Not hardly an ol' man guy, or maybe just remarkably well preserved." I laughed "You could almost be Shaun's father."

"Well I certainly want to at least be a big brother to him now.  His father didn't turn out to be very good, so if I can be a brother I'd like that. Besides, he definitely seems to need that, and I need him too.  Guess we should be getting up and ready to go. We need to get back to the hospital by nine."

Hunter threw back the covers and got out of bed, rising on tiptoe, arms extended, back arched, stretching.

"WHOA dude, great bod, nice exhibition!"

"SHIT!!" was Hunter`s response when he realized what he'd done.  As he hurried off to the bathroom I marveled at his body. Not only had he risen naked, but he had been hard as a rock, his cock jutting out beautifully as his back arched in his stretch.

"Hey, Hunter, you got any briefs I could borrow this morning?" I called through the bathroom door.

"Sure, top drawer in the dresser."

Pulling open the drawer I was confronted with a startling array of underwear. Calvins, 2(x)ist, Abercrombie, Undergear, plain and fancy, boxers and briefs.  Some plain vanilla Fruit of the Loom, probably for work, and a few thongs tucked into a corner.

I was pulling a stretchy white Calvin Klein trunk over my butt, with my back to the bathroom, when Hunter reappeared.  His wolf whistle startled me.

"Great ass Patrick!! Especially in those tight white undies!  I suppose you've found out my fetish.  I wear mostly generic FTL's on the job, but when I'm out and about I love to wear all kinds of underwear.  It gives me a little thrill, and I love lounging around the house in something just a bit naughty. I've even answered the door for a pizza delivery in those trunks you're wearing. Thought the kids eyes were gonna pop out."

I couldn't help but laugh, thinking about the poor pizza delivery kid, as I reached into the still open drawer and tossed Hunter a white thong.

"Here you go under boy! Why don't you wear this today?"

Hunter grinned and was slipping the garment on when the doorbell rang.

"Why don't you get that?" he said, his grin getting even bigger.

I flipped him the bird before turning, wiggling my Calvin encased ass and heading for the door.  The kid standing outside with a suitcase was speechless when I opened the door.

"Can I help you son?"

He recovered fairly quickly and stammered. "I, I'm Bryan Wright and I'm looking for Hunter Johnston.  Actually I'm looking for Shaun Johnston, but Hunter is his uncle. This is the address I was given, are you Mr. Johnston, do you know Shaun?" he paused.

"Take a breath son. Bryan was it? You're looking for Shaun Johnston?"

"Yes sir. His mother gave me this address and said it was his uncle Hunters."

"Well, Bryan was it? This is the right place. I'm not Hunter but this is his apartment.  You better come on in and explain what you're doing here."



Don't forget to check out some of the following stories. If you read and enjoy any of these please let the author know. We thrive on feedback!!

Once again.....Thanks again for reading "How Will I Go On".

Ash - asherbradley@yahoo.com





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