Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2013 13:26:44 -0400
From: preecherdave@gmail.com
Subject: Introspection 2

Introspection 2

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This document contains homosexual themes and acts. If you are underage or
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The story is not autobiographical and is a product of the writer's fertile
imagination.


Comments welcomed                    preecherdave@gmail.com


Previously

"I guess that he wasn't on the business trip that he told me that he was
on. Interesting. Thank you. I won't let him know that you told me. I am
smart enough to work it into a conversation in other ways."

"Sorry, I have been wrestling with whether to tell you or not but I really
thought that you should have all the information."

With that, we looked at the other and gave each other a gentle kiss on the
lips. I was stepping back into the real world. I had decided that my
decisions would be based on how Peter reacted tonight and I would refuse to
discuss anything until we were at the condo tonight. I knew that I could
fall back on the suites hotel for a while. Their weekly rate was not bad
and I had saved a lot of money splitting the rent with Peter and renting
out my condo with that money going into savings.

Present

Work was something that I really liked and I became immersed in it
immediately. I gave bland, generic answers about my weekend which seemed to
satisfy people. I was then able to get them to tell me about their
weekends. I actually did quite a good acting job. No one would have figured
out that my life had been turned on its head this weekend. I was totally
involved in a matter when I picked up my phone without looking at my call
display.

"Paul Watson. How can I help you?"

"Where the hell have you been? I have tried to contact you. No response."
In fact, I knew from reviewing my messages that his two calls weren't made
until late in the afternoon and in the evening. There had been no emails. I
had also called from a pay phone after our picnic and he wasn't there and
when I reviewed our messages at the condo a few minutes after the call,
there were no messages left there. He hadn't arrived until sometime in the
mid or late afternoon. I guess he and Matthew got on very well.

"Oh and hello to you Peter. I could ask the same question. Where the hell
were you on Sunday morning, noon and afternoon? You never phoned to let me
know what you were doing. Oh yes, I remember, you were in bed with
Matthew. I think Peter that this is not the time to discuss this. I shall
be at the condo tonight and we can discuss everything in full, then."

"I think we should discuss it now."

"I don't ... think ... you ... heard ... me!" Where did that determined
voice come from? I was glad that I had thought out my strategy. "I have
work to do and now is not the time or place. See you at the condo." There
was silence at the other end. He was not used to me being this sure of
myself and almost aggressive. A change in character and roles.

He had to get the last words in. "If you are going to take that attitude,
OK tonight."

"See you then, Peter." I hung up. Petulant bastard. One more thing to
consider in my decision. I was surprised; the day went quite well after
that. I even had a good lunch with some colleagues from the office. I had
to admit to myself that I began to feel a little tension and bit of
nervousness as the time to leave for the day arrived. In fact, I was quite
on edge by the time that I opened the door to the condo. I realized how
relieved I felt when I found that I was the first one back. Somehow it let
me feel that I could do some things and prepare to greet him. I noticed
that my mind had not been saying home but the condo all day. I really did
see my little world differently. I put my stuff in the study with the bed
still unmade from last night. I suspected that was where I would be
spending tonight if not at the Suites. I set about getting some supper
ready with things that we had in the freezer. I even made two servings. I
had checked the answering machine, no messages. My stomach and body tensed
when I heard his key in the door.

"Hey, Peter, wash up, supper is ready." Might as well start like an
ordinary night.

"OK."

I heard the water running and then he appeared in the kitchen. He moved
towards me to greet me with a kiss. I pretended not to notice and collected
my plate and the open bottle of wine. He had a little surprised look on his
face. I asked after his day. We talked about the day as we ate but it was a
little stiff as if there was some unspoken matter lurking in the
background. I wonder what that could be? We took our plates back to the
kitchen.

"Peter, why don't you grab some more wine and join me in the living room."
I chose a one person chair. Again he looked a little surprised. We hadn't
come close to each other since he arrived home. That was a fair change in
routine. I smiled to myself. I was nervous and had started to sweat. My
armpits were increasingly damp. I told myself that I could do this.

"Peter, I think that we have things to talk about."

"Where were you yesterday and last night?"

"Peter, that is NOT the issue. The issue is Saturday night and Sunday until
I left the condo." My voice was strong and sounded as if I would brook no
argument. He looked at me with astonishment. This was not the Paul that he
was used.

"You agreed to go to Matthew's."

"I let you know that I was not in total agreement and you assured me that
we wouldn't do anything that I didn't want to do. At their condo, I told
you that I was not on board with what was happening and you told me and I
can quote 'I can still make my own decisions about what I want'. I did give
you a choice to stop and you chose not to. You embarrassed me and Andrew. I
felt betrayed by a man who I thought was my partner."

"Come on Paul, we both have histories before we got together. What is
different with this? I didn't force you to do anything."

I didn't appreciate his tone or his comparison but I let it go. He really
didn't get it. "I gave up some of that up for a relationship based on
trust. You forced me to watch you crawling all over another man. It was
very clear where you were headed. Let's not beat around the bush, Peter,
that was not the first time that you were with Matthew."

"Yes, we met at a work out at the gym."

"Peter, don't add lies to this!" I was annoyed. His face was flushed and I
could see a denial forming on his lips. "I wanted one last word with you
before I left on Saturday night. I saw you in the master suite with your
shirt undone, messaging his cock and I will never forget the words. 'Matt,
you know what I like and where I want that big cock tonight, like last
time'. I have thought back over the last weeks trying to figure out when
the last time could have been. You didn't want me to pick you up at the
airport two weeks ago. Oh, you were so kind and considerate." His eyes got
big. "You weren't on a business trip! You had Matthew's big cock up your
ass that weekend and you wanted a repeat with my consent on Saturday while
I watched." I was on a roll and my feelings were gelling; this really was
how I felt. "I remember the night you came back two weeks ago. We had not
been together for two nights and three days, you were not interested in me
that night or the next morning. I know; I tried. I know why now. I don't
think that I can trust you."

I had decided to be direct and to use words that he would not expect from
me. He looked dazed at my diatribe. I stopped and just stared at him. The
silence stretched. It was clear it was making him uncomfortable. He didn't
know what to say. I thought to myself a simple 'I am really sorry Paul. I
screwed up. I really only want you' might be a start.

"What can I say? You agreed to come and I got carried away."

I agreed to come so it was partly my fault. Right. Secretly, I was faulting
myself for exactly that. He got carried away. What could he do then? Might
as well enjoy himself. Couldn't disappoint Matthew! What about his
escapades two weeks ago? I remained silent, staring at him.

"Paul what do you want me to say?"

"It's at the point now, that it is not what I want to hear but what you
want to say." I just looked at him. There were tears forming in my eyes. A
year with a guy and he doesn't know what to say when he has cheated and
humiliated him. Does great things for ones self image. And yes I was partly
to blame for not being stronger from the outset. Lots of 'should have
dones'. There didn't look as if there was much more going to be said.

"Well, I guess we have had our little chat. I think that I am going to
bed." I stood up and started to walk out of the room.

"Paul I had no idea that things would turn out like this."

"Neither did I." Luckily, he could not see the tear that ran down my
cheek. I wasn't even sure what the tear was for. I walked to the study and
closed the door. I didn't get much sleep that night.

We had breakfast mostly in silence with single syllables to each other. I
had made up my mind. When I was dressed and we were ready to go, I looked
at him almost sadly. "Peter, I won't be here this week. I think that I need
some time to sort my head out. We won't be comfortable together and you
won't want my moods."

"You mean that you are moving out?" There was total surprise in his voice.

"I'll see you next Saturday or Sunday. I am coming this afternoon to get
some clothes and personal items."

"Where will you go?"

"I am booking into the hotel that I stayed at last night. They have a
reasonable weekly rate." Why did I add such a stupid last statement? Who
knows, when your brain is scattered. "Any problems, you can get me on my
cell or at work. Bye Peter." I credited myself with not being pleased that
he looked lost and wordless. I just felt sad. Last night I realized that,
if he had said that he was sorry that he had hurt me and that he wanted me
to be with him, it would have made my decision much harder with possibly a
different outcome.

I passed off my mood at work with the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep
last night. I cleared out my clothes and personal things in the mid
afternoon. I only took one thing from the living room, my iPod docking and
speaker system along with my computer and iPad from the study. I left him a
note telling him that I had taken them and that I would see him Sunday,
signing it simply Paul.

Smartly, I had arranged to meet a couple of my buddies at a club on Monday
night. We had supper and a few dances. They quickly caught my mood and I
told them that Peter and I had had some disagreements over the weekend and
that I was a little upset. I passed it off as nothing and we ended having a
good evening. It was very lonely back at the hotel and I was really glad
for the music system and the TV. I actually didn't think too much about
what I was going to do. I just knew that I didn't have to live in a tension
filled condo. I slept better and the next day went much better. Several
times I caught myself thinking about how Andrew was faring and how it
worked out between him and Matthew. Andrew was a great guy but I didn't
want to get involved in a rebound romance which would distort everything.

The next night I went out to a club by myself. I ate some food and sat at
the bar just enjoying the music and the ambiance. I kibitzed with the
bartender. I didn't drink a lot but I left him with good tips and he didn't
mind me being there. I had several invitations to dance but turned them
down. I was about to leave when a well built guy about my age, 30 or so,
approached me.

"Noticed that you have turned a few guys away. Don't dance?" Interesting,
he had noticed. Attractive, well built.

"Actually I'm not a bad dancer. You?"

"I'm the modest sort. You'd have to dance with me to find out."

I started to chuckle. "Good line! Let's find out." He was a great dancer
and we danced several dances. After a very hot, slow dance, I told him that
it was getting late. I'll admit that the dance turned me on.

He held me out from him and gave me a head to toe look. He couldn't miss my
enlarged basket. "I bet you are good at some other things as well?"

I liked his refreshing bluntness. "I guess you would have to do some
exploring to find out." he laughed a loud, spine tingling, bass
laugh. Actually another part of my body was tingling.

I told him that I was in a hotel nearby and he said that he would like to
go exploring in a hotel.

We left laughing and joking. In my packing up I had come across some
condoms that we had bought as a birthday joke for a friend and I had thrown
them in the suitcase along with some lube I had come across. I had jokingly
thought to myself, yes in your dreams. I was ready!

As it turned out we were both quite good at some other things. After
entering my room, it wasn't long before I was surveying a very attractive,
undressed man. Nicely defined chest covered in short black hair, a dark
treasure trail which led to low hanging balls and a cock almost as big as
Matthew's. For something like this, Matthew was my only recent reference
point. Oh screw Matthew, right that was Peter's job. By the time my fingers
were finished with his hair and nipples, his eyes were alight with lust and
he was making incoherent noises in his throat. He pushed me onto the bed
and grabbed the lube. I can hardly explain how inflamed I was when his
three fingers in me were moving in and out. My body was alive with sexual
energy and desire. I pushed him onto the bed beside me, grabbed the
condom. I had put them out on view to let Phil know my thoughts. I put it
on him with lots of lube; I was going to need it.

I flopped down on the bed beside him. "Are you as good at this as you are
at dancing?"

"Only you can be the judge of that!"

He had grabbed the lube from me and as he put a lot more in me, he put his
mouth on the head of my cock and alternately sucked and lightly used his
tongue. I was thrashing on the bed.

"Phil, take me. Now! Please." He did. He was good. Very gentle as he popped
in, just staying still with just almost imperceptible movement. Wow, I felt
full and stretched and engaged. I put my hands on his lovely firm ass and
slowly pulled into me. He was a good top. He was in hard and deep and then
just took short strokes over my prostate. It was my turn to make incoherent
noises. I used a few of my own tricks, clamping him tight with my internal
muscles. I heard a couple of gasps and 'shit, Paul'. I told him that I was
close and he sped up as I began to stroke myself. Just as I was about to
explode I contracted my muscles which started me and then him. I came in a
huge explosion reaching my throat and chest. I could feel his rhythm change
as I contracted around him in a long, strong orgasm. He hovered over me,
eyes closed, mouth partially open and his stiff as a board until he started
to stroke the end of his climax. When our breathing returned to normal we
looked at each other with silly smiles on our faces.

"Paul, even better than your dancing."

"Phil, incredible."

We fell asleep and the next thing I knew, it was morning. I was on my back
with a very hard cock. My movements must have wakened Phil. He looked at
me. He was in the same state as me.

"Phil, I do have to get up and go to work and I am sure that you do as
well." He looked at his straining cock and then mine with a little look of
disappointment. I couldn't let it go at that. "I have time for a
quickie. I'd like to reverse roles?" It was a question and not deal
breaker.

"Paul, not my usual role but after last night, I know that I can trust you
to do it right and well. A quickie it is."

I gave him the condom and he put it on me swiftly but erotically. I
efficiently opened him up and then took enough time going in. Then it was
quick and dirty. Both of us climaxed quickly and I filled the condom almost
as much as he had last night.

"Phil go ahead and shower first."

"Might be quicker to shower together?"

"With our performance to date, I am not so sure. Pretty certain that it
would take longer." I gave him a big grin.

As we were leaving, he looked at me. "Too bad you are just in the city for
a short time. It could be fun. A boyfriend somewhere?"

"A partner who is in not in my best books at this moment. Quite possibly my
ex partner. To be honest, if he were not so deeply in my bad books, I
wouldn't have been at the club."

"Paul, I can honestly say that this has been fun as well as sexually
exciting. If he is putting you down, don't let him. I haven't enjoyed
anything like this so much in a long time. You were a breath of fresh air."

"Wow. Thanks Phil. I'll take that as a much needed compliment at this
point. I am not just saying this but you took me by surprise. You were fun
and amazing. I feel refreshed." He gave me his card and a quick
kiss. Interesting, he was leaving any contact up to me as he assumed that I
was from out of the city on a business trip.

I thought to myself that I had spoken the truth. I would never have been in
the club and gone with Phil if Peter had not been acting and thinking with
his prick the other night. The thought crossed my mind that maybe Peter was
as correct in his view of what had happened as I was. He wanted one thing;
I wanted something different. I just wanted a different relationship; maybe
he didn't really want the kind of relationship that I did. Hm, interesting
insight.

I went to work and immersed myself in the routine and the problems that
needed solving. It suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to talk to someone I
could trust. I gave Rob, one of my closest friends, a call and we arranged
to meet for supper. I emailed Peter asking if Sunday was OK for him and
asked him to give me a time to come over. He emailed me back quickly saying
that 11 on Sunday morning would be good. Perhaps, we could go out for
lunch, he suggested. I replied that 11 it was, nothing else.

"Paul you look much better than you did on Monday. Things better with
Peter?"

"Nope. I'm staying at the Suites for the week." His mouth dropped open in
surprise. "I need to talk. You up for it?" He just gave me a look that said
how could I ask such a stupid question.

We ate and talked. I gave him the most balanced account that I could which
of course would be from my point of view. Rob was a good listener. I could
see him concentrating and taking in the salient points. I finished and
looked at him.

"Rob, of course, that is my recollection and my point of view."

"First comment. Paul, of course this is your point of view. How you see it,
will be how you have to deal with it and live with it. You are correct that
you have to figure out how you can live with this. Do you trust Peter now?
Do you have the same values and expectations? Will he give in, agree with
you and then fall into his old patterns. Patterns are very hard to break
because they are based on how we see life and how we act naturally."

"Yes, the other day I wondered if we just have different expectations out
our relationship and how to treat people." Rob just shrugged his head. I
guess we were saying much the same thing. We talked a little longer and he
asked a lot of questions about our relationship over the last year. I began
to realize that a lot of it was based on sex and on going out with other
people. Convenient companionship? We had never introduced each other to our
families. I wasn't sure what our bond was. Unfortunately, I kept on seeing
his dark look in the kitchen as he left it when I had told him that I was
not on board and it was his decision to stop. Rob gave me a lot to think
about. He had also invited me to use the bed in his study next week if I
were searching for a place to stay. He said that he would talk to Tony but
he was sure it would be OK. I told him that if I did, I would not outstay
my welcome. There were lots of places for rent right now.

The week passed quickly. A couple of times when I was thinking and planning
for Sunday I wondered yet again about how Andrew was doing. I know that I
still had a lot to think about and plan for. I might very well be looking
for accommodation. I had a signed lease on my condo that wasn't up until
August 31. He was a friend of friend and I would like to give him a lot of
time to find something else. He had been very fair to me. Perhaps next week
I would phone Andrew at work and see how things were going. Perhaps we
could go out just for lunch to touch base.

I went out on Friday night with the guys and let myself get picked up. It
was OK but nothing too great. I did get some relief. Saturday, I just
loafed around and formalized a plan. I realized that Peter's suggestion of
meeting at 11 and going for lunch indicated that he figured that he knew
how my decision would go, back to our normal routine. Again the whole scene
at Matthew's played in my mind. I realized by the end of the day that Peter
was going to be very surprised and upset by my decision.

I steeled myself as I entered the building and rode the elevator. I didn't
bring a suitcase and so I was arriving empty handed. I assumed that would
send a message. I had a key but I knocked on the door. Another message. He
opened the door. I saw the little look of surprise. I also saw him look for
the things that I would be bringing back with me.

"Hey, Paul." He was guarded.

"Peter."

I walked in. I knew instantly that my decision was right. I didn't consider
this home anymore. It is amazing the thoughts that course through our brain
at times like this. There were some good memories but then I remembered the
breakfast conversation last Saturday, the promise and the excited phone
call to Matthew. The scene in the bedroom replayed in my mind and then I
heard the words again. Strangely, my day with Andrew was there as well. I
knew that I was idealizing that day but it was closer to what I wanted.

"Paul, would you like some coffee?"

"Yes that would be great." No need to tell him how I take it, a little
cream or milk. Oh shit this was even more difficult and awkward than I had
imagined. Nothing like reality to bring you up short.

He brought my coffee, a little bit of cream. "Good coffee, just brewed."

"You said 11 and you are always on time. Paul, you knocked at the door and
didn't bring any luggage with you?"

"This doesn't feel like home."

"Paul, it doesn't have to be like this."

"But it is."

"Don't I get any say in this?"

"Unfortunately this is a decision that I have to make for myself. To be
blunt and I don't want to start a discussion of blame here, you made
several decisions over the last three weeks that have hurt me and
humiliated me in my own eyes. I also made a couple of bad decisions as well
but they are mine and now I have to live them as well."

I could see his eyes go a bit steely, probably a defence for his own
feelings. "So tell me exactly what YOU are planning." The emphasis was on
'you', a little bit of the old Peter. Right Rob, patterns don't change
easily.

"I am moving out as of today. I am going to take only things that belong to
me. I feel that anything that we bought and paid for together for the condo
stays here in the condo. They are yours."

I could see moisture forming in his eyes. I steeled myself. "Paul we had
some good times together."

"We did."

"I know that you and Andrew were together all Sunday and Monday morning."

I had anticipated this. It was classic Peter. Shift the blame or at least
put me in a bad position. "We were. That was one of things that changed my
outlook. Andrew was as upset as I was. I realized how cheapened and
humiliated I felt and so did he. He is a very caring and sensitive guy. We
enjoyed the day together. Ironic isn't it? By the way, we haven't contacted
each other since then but I may in the future.  Peter, I trusted you. I
thought that we were partners and would act as partners." He still hadn't
said in some fashion that he messed up but still wanted me.

I didn't want to continue this any longer. I stood up. "I have a large
suitcase in my car. I want to pick up the rest of my things and I am going
to take the two picture that I bought in January." He just looked
helplessly at me.

It took me a while as I went through a lot of cupboards, drawers and
folders. I had taken several trips to the car. I had to make a trip to the
locker for winter things. I was finally ready to leave. "Peter, I am
going." He came out to the entrance way, stoney faced. "Here are my keys
and the key for your car. Could I get my car keys from you, please? I never
made copies but I would like you to change the locks on the condo and I
shall pay for it." I held out my hand and he shook it reluctantly.

My only thought as I took the elevator down was another milestone in my
life. Oh and relief. I felt empty but I knew that I had done the right
thing. I had arranged to meet the gang at a pub that night. I made the
announcement, telling them to contact me on my cell, at Rob's for the time
being or by email. I didn't give a lot of information. I just told them it
was irreconcilable differences. The story would get out and I am sure that
Peter would tell a different story but ....

I felt so relieved from all the planning and thinking that a couple of
drinks really loosened me up. I was up dancing with guys from the table,
most of whom were couples so I started to look around the room for others
to dance with. As usual, there was a good selection. I stopped drinking and
started planning my last night in the hotel. I danced with a few guys. I
was sitting talking to the guys when I saw a fellow with strawberry blonde
hair. He was tall, nicely built and good looking in a craggy, masculine
way. When everyone got up to dance I went over and asked him to dance. He
was with some friends but not attached for the night. He was pretty open
about that.

"Blake, you dance really well. I especially liked the slow dance that we
just had."

"Yeah, Paul, I noticed."

"Noticed in a good or bad way?"

"Very good."

I decided that I would be direct. "I have some drinks back at my hotel
room. Interested in a drink there on the house?"

He looked at me with a little grin. "I think that I would like that very
much. I could see if you have other talents. You know like mixing drinks."

"I don't mix drinks but I do have other talents." He grinned. We were
certainly on the same track. We decided to skip the drinks when we got back
to the room. His body was really interesting with hair the same colour as
the hair on his head. His legs in particular had short hair that was fine
and difficult to see but oh it felt wonderful to run you hands over it. As
I was to find out very quickly so did his balls which tasted that wonderful
clean, musky taste after a night of dancing. I wanted to be fucked that
night and he seemed only too eager to accommodate me. He said that I had a
bubble butt to die for. I told him to knock himself out. He was eager and
very talented with his tongue on my cock. I was very hard when he finished
with his tongue and fingers doing a superb job of getting me ready for his
lovely condom covered cock.

I told him that I was ready and to take me hard and fast. He did and I
gasped but did not flinch when he entered and almost immediately plunged
quickly all the way in. There were sparks running through my nervous
system. I smiled and winked at him when he showed concern about my gasp. I
just said that was the way I wanted it tonight. Shortly I was covered in my
own cum and he was looking drained as he took off a very full condom.  I
knew that he had to leave but I convinced him to stay for another
round. That took place only 15 minutes later and both of us had a very
noisy second orgasm. It was really intense. This time it was me showing him
that I could be as good a pitcher as he had been. I watched him get dressed
and stood up naked to say goodbye at the door.

"Thanks Blake, it is a long story but I needed that tonight. You were
great."

"Thanks Paul. I shall remember you exactly like this for a long time." He
scanned my naked body with my cock, still semi hard, glistening with the
cum from the condom that I had removed shortly before.

When Blake left I felt let down but I replayed some of the scenes from
earlier today with Peter again and realized that I had to start building a
new life that I wanted. I wondered why I felt so little emotions about
leaving Peter. We had lived together for a year and yet I didn't feel any
great, deep sense of loss. It bothered me. I mentally shrugged my
shoulders. I felt dislocated, a little lonely and rudderless but not much
else. Was there something wrong with me? Was I incapable of deep, intimate
feelings?"

Trying to get myself out of these rather depressing thoughts, I thought
that perhaps I would phone Andrew the next day to see how things had gone
with him. It was the least I could do. So that would be a first step
taken. Well second if you count Sunday at 11.


Author's Note

There is another chapter being written.  I hope to publish next Thursday or
Friday.

Let me know your thoughts on this chapter       preecherdave@gmail.com


If you liked this story, you might want to read the others that I have
published on Nifty. In particular, Unexpected Change which has had the most
positive comments and one of my favourites, Getting My Act Together.

Unexpected Change, Nifty, College, April 16, 2011
Friendship, Nifty, Adult Friends, May 20, 2011
Surprising Last Year at University, Nifty, College, June 9, 2011
Murder Changed My Life, Nifty, Beginnings, July 8, 2011
What is Love?, Nifty, Beginnings, August 31, 2011
Getting My Act Together, Nifty, Adult-Friends, November 10, 2011
Surprised, Nifty, Adult-Friends, January 14, 2012
Surprised Eric and Dave, Beginnings, February 10, 2012
Surprised Graham and Robert, Nifty, Adult-Friends, March 22, 2012
What a Difference a Year Makes, Nifty, Adult-Friends, September 13, 2012
Discoveries, Nifty, Beginnings, November 1, 2012
Introspection, Nifty, April, 2013