Like Father, Like Son
Copyright / Disclaimer
Copyright 2001, Duke Price
This story contains descriptions of sexual acts between boys of similar ages. If this is not to your tastes or is not legal in your locality, please leave now! The story and its associated characters are entirely fictional and any resemblance to people, living or otherwise, is purely coincidental. Please bare in mind when you read this, that this story takes place in the early 70's. That was a time before HIV/AIDS. If you are going to engage in sex, remember to please be safe!
Like every other author out in cyberland, I would love to hear what you think of my story. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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I woke up crying. My chest heaving, sobbing uncontrollably. I kept repeating to myself, you have to get control of yourself. You're losing it man! If not for yourself, do it for your wife and kids. I pushed myself out of the bed and walked into the master bath to get a drink of water. I glance at the mirror and made a double take. You look like shit! Your eyes are all red and you have petechiae on your eyelids from crying so hard.
I glanced at the clock it's 5pm. Paula will be home soon.
I turned the shower on and adjusted the water temperature. While I was waiting for the water to warm up, I sat on the toilet to relieve myself. I told myself to just block it out of my mind and move on. Everything will be fine.
I hopped into the shower and let the water from the dual shower heads blast away at me. I turned off the water and I could hear the phone ringing. Shit! Should I let the answering machine pick it up? After the 3rd ring, I decided to pick it up.
"John? Why are you're home so early? She said.
"Oh hi honey" In my best upbeat voice.
"You sound funny. Is everything OK?" she said?
"No I'm fine! I'm not feeling very good today."
"I'll be home soon. Just relax." She said. "Is there anything that I can do for you John?"
"Thanks Paula, I'll be fine."
"I'll talk to ya later," She said. And I hung up the phone.
Paula is my wife of 15 years. She knows that I'm not taking turning 40 very well and I've mentioned to her a number of times that I think I may be going through some type of midlife crisis. I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around the past few months. I've been moody, grumpy. I've been isolating myself from everyone. If I had to diagnose myself I'd have to say that I have a situational depression, which is something, that is self-limiting and I should start to feel better soon.
Let me tell you a little about myself and what transpired yesterday.
I have a wonderful wife, Paula. She is a little Italian woman who worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a king. I have a daughter who is 12 and a son who is 14 years old. Oh and I just turned 40. I live in NE Wisconsin but grew up in NW Iowa. I am a cardiologist. Did I tell ya I am 40? Well I am 40 and I'm not taking it very well. My 14 year old son, Conrad, Con for short, looks just like me, only a younger version. Everyone calls him my clone. He has naturally curly light brown hair and gray eyes. To sum it all up he looks a lot like that actor, Ryan Phillippe. What can I say, he's beautiful! My boy's shooting up like a weed and his voice is changing. He acts a lot like I did at that age. Quiet and shy, but always on the go. He has a couple of friends and when we go out to school functions all of the girls seem to flock around him. "Hi Con, hi Con"! I just chuckle to myself. My daughter, Andrea is a real beauty too. I always told Paula that I hoped she'd grow up fat and ugly so that I wouldn't have to worry about her getting knocked up. Paula would just shake her head at me and chuckle. I know...I have a twisted sense of humor! Andrea has the same steel gray eyes as Con's and has dark brown hair. The only difference is that her hair is straight like her mother's. She can be hot headed but is a lot of fun to be around.
So, you might ask, why am I so depressed? Well, let me fill you in. I'm what you might call a slider. I'm attracted to both guys and gals and was planning on taking that secret to the grave. Recently some events have occurred that will make keeping that secret nearly impossible.
Turning 40 only reinforces that I've reached the point of no return...in my mind there is no turning back or changing the path that I've chosen for myself. I'm old! To make matters worse that slippery scale that I mentioned earlier, well you could say that I've slid way over to the gay side and at times, feel like bolting! I've been wrestling with my sexuality for a long time and now that I've turned 40 I feel like there is some sort of finality to it all. I have this feeling that a part of me has died and I'm mourning its loss. I don't know why I should feel like this because I really have a wonderful family. Sometimes feel that I should never have gotten married. The way I see it "sliders" can never be truly happy in a long-term relationship since they crave to be with both sexes. I often wondered if this is similar to the straight man who longs to be with another woman when he grows tired of his mate. So I rationalize that this is something all men must endure if they want to be in a monogamous relationship.
Another reason I'm a bit distressed is that yesterday I outed myself to my son. Yep, you heard me correctly. I outed myself! Let me explain.
Yesterday morning as I was walking into the den I had to do a double take when I found my son and his friend Ryan sitting close to each other on the couch shoulder to shoulder, looking into each other's eyes as if they were about to kiss. They quickly pulled away from each other and I acted as if I didn't notice. To tell you the truth I was a bit shocked and had to collect my composure. So I went into the kitchen and poured myself some OJ. Before I could return to the den I had to think of what I was going to say to them and try to wipe the shocked look off of my face.
"Hi Con, hi Ryan, how's it going guys?"
Their faces were bright red. "Doing ggggreat dad." Con said in a crackley teen voice.
"So what do you two have planned for the remainder of the holiday break?" I asked trying to sound upbeat.
"We thought we'd do some cross country skiing and then maybe see a movie." Said Con.
"Hey Ryan what are your parents doing to celebrate the New Year?" I asked.
"They are going to Cancun. My dad says that if we lose heat when the clock strikes 12 on new years eve, he wants to be some place warm." Ryan didn't appear to be very happy that they were going.
"That sounds great! Are you going with them?"
Clearing his voice..."Eh-hemm!" Con interrupted me and asked, "Dad, I was wondering if Ryan could stay with us when his family goes to Cancun? Ryan doesn't want to go with them."
"Wow...do you mind if I go in your place?" I said excitedly.
The two boys gazed blankly at me for a moment as if I were nuts! Con said, "Come on Dad, can he stay with us?" Almost whining.
"Oh, we wouldn't want poor Ryan to be bored to death in Cancun soaking up rays on some white sandy beach!" I said chuckling.
"It's OK with me if Ryan stays with us as long as it's OK with his parents. We don't have anything planned because I'll be on-call New Years Eve." I said as I took a sip of my OJ.
In unison Con and Ryan said, "Cool! Thanks dad! As they gave each other a high five. Con ran over to me and gave me a big hug and then yelled for Ryan to go upstairs with him.
I went back into the kitchen to brew some hazelnut coffee and eat some cold cereal for breakfast. I reminisced about my younger days when I was his age and how difficult it was growing up being gay/str8...well whatever the heck I was/am. The more I thought about it, the more I started to worry. I was flooded with memories of my past. I had almost buried them. In fact I started to feel a bit overwhelmed, breaking out in a cold sweat as I thought about the fact that I may need to tell Paula about Con and Ryan...worse yet ME! Shoot...what the heck am I getting all worked up about; I could be getting worked up over nothing!
Paula's a great mother. Much more patient with the kids than I am. But she and her family do not like gay people. I think her prejudice stems from her father. My father-in-law is a retired state detective. He used to talk about how he and his fellow officers would arrest gays at rest stops along the highway and would talk about how they disgusted him. It was during those discussions that I could only nod my head and try to change the subject. I guess you could say that I've become desensitized to the Homo bashing that goes on in our society. After 40 years I guess I've come to the realization that there is nothing I can do to sway the thinking of the homophobes of the world and it would be a waste of my time and energy to even try. Oh hell...who am I trying to kid, I'm just afraid like most gays in the world!
Getting back to my father-in-law...other than that, he is a good man who treats me like a son. In fact everyone thinks that he likes me more than his own sons. We do get along with each other. We hunt, fish and golf together. If he only knew who the real John is, he would shit a gold brick and probably string me up by my balls!
Since I turned 40 I've come to the realization that I'm getting old and have often wondered what it would have been like if I had settled down with Michael. He was my lover before I met my wife. He was not only a beautiful man but he was very loving and good to me. My heart still aches when I think about him. Oh and in case you were wondering, he's the 3rd reason for me being down in the dumps. When I was 24, I chose a path that excluded him. A wonderful man who loved me and I loved him, no wait, present tense, love him. I am a man who made a vow to love, cherish and to be faithful to a wonderful woman 15 years ago and I am a man of my word. I'll tell you more about Michael later. I have to figure out what I am going to tell Paula in the event that what I suspect about Con and Ryan is true. I'm positive that she would not take this news well, but I will stand behind my son and will give him my support even if that means our break up.
I heard the door slam shut and I yelled, "Con!" No answer, "Con!"
"Whatcha doin?" I said smiling.
"Ryan had to go home to eat lunch."
"Can we talk?"
Hesitantly, Con said, "Sure Dad!"
"Have a seat Con."
He looked uneasy. The only time I had talks in private with him was usually when I had something-serious say.
"Son, you and Ryan seem to be getting along pretty well lately!"
"Yeah, he's tops dad."
"Yes, I'd have to agree with you, he's a very nice boy," Smiling and trying to figure out how to pop the question.
"You know son, I had some very close friends at your age. We did a lot of things together."
He was looking at me with those steely eyes as if trying to read my mind and figure out where I was going with this.
"I can see that Ryan really enjoys being with you and you seem to like spending time with him. In fact this is the happiest you seemed in a long time! To be honest up until recently, you've had me a bit worried. Something must have changed for the better in your life?" I said and paused momentarily.
Chuckling I went on to tell him... "I used to do some pretty crazy things with my friends."
He turned his gaze away from me looking down nervously, tapping his fingers on the counter top. Somehow I had to communicate to him that the romantic feelings that he may be experiencing with Ryan are OK with me. I just didn't know quite know how to tell him. Never thought I'd ever have discussion like this with him. I thought I'd some day be having a boy/girl talk with him, not a M/M talk. Con didn't say anything, he would just ever so often look up at me with a sort of...pouty look on his face. A look that said...dad there is no way in hell that this conversation is going anywhere. No wait, it's more of a look of concern or apprehension. Despite seeing my son's reaction I felt the urgency to press forward.
After a brief moment of silence I said, "Son, do you remember when we had that little sex talk?"
"Well, do you remember the part about where I told you that you that the book I gave you says that you may have romantic feelings toward other boys?"
"Did you dad?" Looking up at me.
"Did I what?" I said, not quite catching on to what he was asking?
Looking straight into my eyes Con asked, "Did you have romantic feelings for boys?"
All I could think of was, SHIT! I didn't expect that question! We're supposed to be talking about him, NOT ME! As I thought about how to respond to his question I felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I've always tried to be up-front with my wife and kids except for this one thing, my sexuality. I didn't plan on discussing my sexuality...especially with my SON! I didn't think that this would ever be an issue as long as I was faithful to Paula. Never in my wildest dreams thought that I would possibly have to deal with my son's homosexuality. Being a father is not easy!
I told myself to calm down. I don't even know if he's gay! What if he isn't and I tell him that I have had romantic feelings towards the same sex. Would he hate me! But if he is gay...I definitely would never want him to go through those feelings of isolation and fear that I've experienced. I love Con too much to allow that. If he is gay, this would explain the recent change of behavior. What I mean is he's been down in the dumps except when Ryan is around. Sometimes at night I could swear that I was hearing whimpering or crying, but never could locate the source. Every time I've asked him why he looks down in the dumps, all he'd tell me is that he has issues and would not elaborate. I'd really like to keep my secret buried within me. IF I tell him, I'd be outing myself not only to him but also to my wife, daughter, my in-laws as well as my side of the family. It could easily break up my marriage. After what seemed like an eternity of silence while trying to decide how to respond. I looked up at Con and found him looking at me as if he was about to cry and seeing the look of despair on his face, I sent caution to the wind and said,
There I did it! I almost lost it. I stared down at the table unable to look Con in the face. I guess I was waiting for him to get up and leave in disgust. After all he has a faggot father.
After a moment of silence I found the courage to look up at my son and slowly looked up at him. To my surprise Con didn't have a look of disgust in his eyes it was more of a look of surprise or disbelief with his mouth open. He reached out and grabbed my hand and then tears started streaming down his cheeks. I couldn't tell whether those were tears of sadness, or perhaps tears of joy. He jumped up and hugged me. He was sobbing and shaking in my arms. My shirt was saturated. I was fighting back the tears and trying to comfort him.
Finally I could tell that Con was catching his breath and he was quieting down.
"Yes son?" Anxious but also dreading what he had to say next.
"I LOVE RYAN and I think he loves me!"
I almost fainted. I wasn't sure if I should be happy for him or pity him!
All I could say was,
"I'm happy for you son. I think Ryan is a very nice boy and if he makes you happy...well then I'm happy for you."
He started crying again. I held him and he wouldn't let go. Every time I'd try to pull away he'd hug me harder.
"Is there anything you need from me?"
It was all I could do not to start crying. I felt guilty...somehow this was my fault. Perhaps he was a part of some defective gene pool that I handed down to him. And knowing the ridicule that he may face down the road and to go through life feeling like some kind of freak of nature...an outcast...God what did I do!
We stood there in silence. I didn't know what else to say. Finally Con broke the silence and said, "Dad?"
"Do you still love me?" while looking me straight in the eyes.
"Oh son, of course I do! I love you SOoo much! It doesn't matter to me whether you are gay or str8. I just want you to be happy."
With a big smile on his face he reached out and hugged me again. We hugged for the longest time. He needed reassurance from me. Sigh...it felt good!
"Does Ryan know how you feel?"
With his head against my chest just as he did when I comforted him as a little boy.
"I think so. He's never come right out and said that he loves me. This morning when you came into the den, I think he was going to kiss me."
Smiling I said, "I noticed."
We started to laugh uncontrollably. It seemed like our pain and worries were being lifted from us. It felt GOOD!
I pulled away from him and said,
"You know...I do have the parental duty of making sure that you know about safe sex. I could never forgive myself for not educating you about safe sex."
"Oh dad," He said blushing. "You're embarrassing me!"
"Well, I've seen to many kids that are HIV positive. Please be sure to play safe and keep your love muscle under wraps." In that fatherly concerned tone of voice.
"Dad!" He said loudly, "I've never had sex with anyone!"
Relieved with his reply, "Oh, good. Well if you do fall in-love and decide to have sex, I trust that you will keep that thing between your legs under wraps and that goes for you're partner too."
"Dad! I know all about safe sex. They taught us that in school plus don't you remember you talked to me about that a few months ago and you gave me that book?"
"Oh yeah, sure, I guess I forgot we discussed that. Well, you know I can be a real worrywart," I said, with a smile. "One more thing Con, do you plan on telling your mother about how you feel about Ryan?"
"I don't know," He said. "Can't you tell her?"
"No son. I can't tell her. It needs to come from you but don't ever feel that you need to do this alone. I will be there when or if you decide to tell her."
"I don't think she'll take the news very well do you?"
"I don't know. I know that she loves you very much but you know how she and her family feel about gays and you definitely know how your grandfather feels about gays."
"Yeah, I've listened to Grandpa's detective stories."
"I love you very much. I want you to know that you do not have to go through this alone. I'm so happy that you felt that you could share this with me and I want you to know that I'm always here for ya. Don't ever forget that!"
"I won't dad. I love you dad."
"I know son. I love you too! If you ever need to talk to me about anything..."
"Ok dad," In his usual happy smiley self.
"That's the boy I know!"
I always liked that about Con. He was always a happy boy up until recently. I want my happy boy back and I will do anything to keep him happy. We heard the door slam.
"Hello...hello! Is anyone home?"
"Hi mom." In unison. Con and I were so alike in so many ways.
"How's my boys?" Paula said with a big smile.
"Great!" Again in unison.
"You two look like you're up to no good." She said with an inquiring look on her face?
Both blushing. "No mom!" Again in unison. We looked at each other and giggled.
"Are you sure, you both look like you've swallowed the canary?"
"No mom, but we are two wild and crazy guys." Said Con.
"Con, you've been watching too many of those old Saturday Night Live reruns on Nichalodeon." I said laughing!
"Con was just asking me whether or not it's OK for Ryan to stay with us while his parents are in Cancun this week." I said.
"I don't see a problem with that. Aren't you on-call this weekend John?"
"Yeah, sorry honey, you may be celebrating the new millenium without me."
"No problem, we never do anything on New Years Eve." she said.
"So, when are Ryan's parents leaving?" she asked.
"Tomorrow at 5pm." Said Con.
"Well, Con you better go clean up your room and make up the bed in the guest room for him." Said Paula.
Con groaned and said, "Mom, can't he sleep in my room?" In a disappointed tone.
Clearing my throat I said, "Paula, let the boys sleep in the same room. Ryan can sleep in the guest bedroom if he wants."
Paula nodded agreement.
Ryan scurried up to his room. "Wow, he sure seems happy!" Paula said with an inquisitive look on her face. "What's gotten into him?"
"I don't know. You'll have to ask him."
She gave me a look as if searching to see if maybe I knew something she didn't.
Then she said. "Well it's good to see him happy again. I was getting worried."
"Yes he does seem happy." I changed the subject and asked her how her day was.
"Come on...answer the damn phone Ryan!" Con thought to himself. Finally someone picked up the phone. It was Ryan's mom.
"Hi this is Con, is Ryan there?"
"Oh hi sweetie, let me get him." she said.
I could hear her calling for Ryan in the background. Then I heard Ryan say, "Yeah?" Then I heard her say, "Con's on the phone."
Ryan answered the phone right away, "Hi there big guy!"
God he makes me melt. He is so cute and such a nice guy. I've known Ryan since the 5th grade and we hit it off from the very beginning. We are almost inseparable. We swim, bike, play basketball and baseball together. Not to mention in the winter we like to cross country ski and have some mean games of Ping-Pong. I think I enjoy playing basketball with him the most because I can bump up against him and sometimes put my hand on his ass. Oh and when we cross-country ski I like to trail behind him so I can watch his cute little butt wiggle. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and dark black hair. I just melt looking into them.
"Hey, my mom said it's OK for you to stay here while your parents are in Cancun! Did you ask your mom and dad if you could stay with us?"
The next morning, Ryan came in with a suitcase full of clothes and the two of them played together like they had so many times before.
So, this all happened yesterday and Con hasn't come forward to tell his mother yet. I'm not pushing him to tell her. This is partly due the fact that she will not be happy about the idea of having a gay son. And she will flip out when or if she finds out that her husband of 15 years is gay too! I never told her about my gay side. Like I said before I really thought I'd take that secret to my grave. I went back to bed to try to escape from my torment.
I heard a knock on the bedroom door. "Dad?"
"Is everything OK?"
"I'm not feeling very good this morning and I'm going to just relax today."
"Ryan and I are going to go cross-country skiing at the reforestation camp."
"Ok son, you boys be careful." There was a silence and I could tell he was still outside the door.
"Dad, are you sure everything's OK?"
"Con, go have fun! I'll be fine. I just need to rest!"
In an uncertain tone, he said, "OK, dad. We'll be back in a few hours."
"Where's your sister?"
"She's still sleeping."
"OK. See ya later Con!"
"Later Pops!" and I could hear him running down the stairs. I fell asleep sort of as a means to escape and because I felt so exhausted.
I quickly drifted off to sleep. I started dreaming about Michael. In my dream he was standing at the door about to leave. He was staring at me with tears running down his cheeks. His beautiful blue eyes had so much pain in them...looking questioningly at me. I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking ...what did I do...why are you leaving me! I woke up with a startle. I was in a cold sweat. I started to cry. Oh God! What I did to him was terrible! I started crying. My chest heaving, sobbing uncontrollably. You're losing it man! I kept repeating to myself, you have to get control of yourself. If not for yourself, do it for your wife and kids.
I noticed that the bedroom was dark. I quickly looked at the clock. It was 5pm. Paula will be home soon. I jumped out of bed and took a shower. Paula called after my shower and I went down stairs to see what the kids were up to. Con and Ryan were playing a video game. My daughter Andrea was polishing her nails. I hate when she does that at the table!
"Fine dad." She said as she meticulously applied the polish.
"How are you feeling dad." said Con?
"Much better!" I lied. Hell, I'm so used to hiding my feelings that it's become second nature.
"I think I'll order a pizza. Sound good to you guys?"
"Mmmm, Yeah!" All three yelled.
It was 5:45 PM and I knew that the office would still be open so I called my secretary to see if I needed to take care of any urgent business. My partner, Ed told me this morning that he would make rounds on my patients, so I knew that they'd be well taken care of.
My secretary answered the phone,
"Hi Joan! How are things at the office?"
As she told me about some things that I needed to take care of, I looked over at Con and Ryan playing the video game and noticed how close they sat together, always touching, giggling and taking short glances at each other. They were beautiful! I told Joan that I'm feeling better and should be in to work tomorrow.
"Can you let Ed know that I will be able to take calls tonight. I feel bad that he had to make rounds on my patients today."
I set the table for supper while I watched them flirt. I sighed and thought again about what it would be like if I had stayed with Michael. It's times like this that I have to remind myself of just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family and how much joy they've brought me. Despite that I still can't help but feel melancholy. I never did get over him. I jumped when Paula unexpectedly came up from behind to gave me a big bear hug.
"Hi Paula! You scared the shit out of me!"
"Is that what I'm smelling." With a grin on her face. "Are you feeling better John?"
"Oh yeah. I slept all day. Must have been over-tired. I've been pretty busy the past few weeks plus I've been getting calls at all times of the night. I ordered a pizza. It should be here any minute."
"Oh good," She said. "I'm tired too! I hope I'm not catching what you have!"
We all ate pizza and enjoyed the rest of the evening relaxing. It was 10pm when we decided to retire. Paula began her nightly routine of locking all of the doors, making sure all of the appliances were unplugged and checking in on the kid's. Before I could say anything to stop this routine, she opened Con's door and I started to panic as she peered inside the room. I heard her gasp as I walked up from behind. Her face went pale. It was one of shock/horror! I looked in and saw Con and Ryan asleep, naked in each other's arms. I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the room and shut the door. She turned to me with a very concerned look on her face and I said,
"We need to talk!"
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