Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 17:35:38 EDT From: JuilianJ@aol.com Subject: a long way home PART 2 A LONG WAY HOME By: Julien This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of any person, place or thing. It contains sexual activities between males and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area. Read at your own risk. Comments are welcomed and would be very much appreciated. ENJOY! I'D LIKE TO THANK MY EDITOR FRANK FOR SUCH A FANTASTIC JOB !!! We stepped into this club at half past eleven and seated ourselves at a table in the corner. "You see this, this is what you'd call the view," said Greg. "You can see every cat that comes through these doors. That way you got a one up. You see them before..." "They see you, I got it." "No, Danny, you don't get it." He plainly stated before summoning a waitress over to our table. "You got to sit, watch and then you'll learn. Save the questions and the comments for another time." And not for the first time, I felt like a child being scolded by a parent. "What can I get you Greg?" The waitress purred leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. "A tonic." "And you." She said still openly admiring my comrade. "Um, a Pepsi." "Are you serious man?" And turning to the waitress Greg continued with, "he'll have a rum and coke." As the waitress turned to leave he looked across the table at me and rolled his eyes. "You've been with George too damn long man. A Pepsi! You could stay home and drink that shit." And I made a mental note never to order soda when I was out with Greg again. And following on that same path, I thought about George. I had to admit it felt good being away from him but in some ways I was worried for him. What would he do without me? Selfish? Maybe, but after we became lovers it seemed that what he took care of financially, I took care of emotionally. He told me that before us there were one or two serious relationships that he had pursued, mostly in his college years, which could even come close to what we had. And I was rewarded with the thought that without me in his life, George didn't have a purpose. I remembered the first time I had thought of him as more than just a caregiver. It had been a Tuesday night. I had remembered that because Monday had been his bowling night and he always returned late on Mondays. That Tuesday I had been going over some school work, math mostly not really paying attention to any of it. He must have noticed my lackadaisical attitude for he got up from where he sat and stood behind me, hands on my shoulders, kneading the tenseness away. "This shit is so hard." I had moaned, closing my eyes, enjoying the moment. "It's hard because you think it's hard Daniel. Take a deep breath." I did, "And let it out." I did. "Again, in and out, in and out, in and out. Now relax." It wasn't too hard to do with his hands kneading away the soreness. He stopped then knelt down beside me, his face up next to mine. "This is trigonometry?" "Yeah." I replied. "Ok, what is it that you don't understand." "The whole fucking mess. Who gives a fuck if a triangle is right angled or not." He sighed and shook his head, a smile plaguing his lips. "You should. Just think of it as a life problem." "A what?" "A life problem, relate it to something concrete. Say for instance this triangle in your book is a..." "House, car, pool." I chided in while grinning. He ruffled my hair with his hand and smiled at me, "No, it has to be something that has a similar shape." "I don't want to do this anymore George." "You got to get the work down - might as well be now than later." "Later." "Now." "Later, please." I cried with hands clasped. "Ok later, but make sure you do it and don't wait till the morning it's due." I had looked over at him and for the first time noticed how trimmed his mustache had been, how youthful he had looked, how strange it was that he had stayed with me almost every night of the week even though I was almost eighteen and how whenever he looked at me, it seemed as if my insides would turn to mush. I looked away quickly, blushing and closing my book. "Ok, I think I'm uh, I'm gonna lay down ok." "Ok, you do that and later we'll order in." I'd just nodded and leaned into him, relishing in the feel of his body heat and the only non-sexual pleasure I had ever known from another man. He held me tightly and not for the first time told me he loved me. I wanted to tell him that I loved him too but I couldn't for I thought if I did, I might have ended up on my own and that I couldn't handle, not so soon after losing the first 'love of my life', my father. The love I had for George was so unlike the love I had for my father. With my father, nothing sexual ever came up; a touch with us could never be mistaken for something more, but with George I found myself thinking of him in a sexual way. Watching him became like a pastime to me and I had wished for the strength to tell him how I felt, but at that time I didn't. I quickly shook my head and diverted my train of thought to the here and now. What George and I had was a thing of the past and I couldn't, I wouldn't spend any more time dwelling on what was. "...You see what I'm saying Danny." I tuned back in just as Greg had finished talking and even though I didn't have the foggiest idea what he was talking about, I acted as if I had keyed in word for word. "Yeah, I do, I really do." "Good. Ah, there's my date for the night. You sit tight while I go mingle." I managed to get an 'ok' out before he was up and at it, meeting his boy toy half way across the dance floor, pawing him upon contact. I envied Greg for being able to do that, to be so open about his feelings, whether they be sex or love. I couldn't do that outside of my home. And thinking of life outside of home, I realized that now I was truly on my own. There was no George there to support my every whim and believe me when I said I had a lot of them. The finest clothes that money could buy, nothing compared to what Greg had but close enough, designer perfumes, the latest jewelry, magazines and cds galore and an NYU education that cost a whopping 23 grande a year out of pocket. I hadn't thought of that much, I tried not to. I had actually convinced myself that I could string George along, making him believe that there was a chance for us to get back together when there really wasn't - just so that he would still pay for my education at the least, but I wasn't too sure if I could go through with it. I was convinced that I didn't love George anymore but I didn't hate him and I most certainly did not want to take him to the cleaners. "Excuse me." I looked up and noticed that one of the guys that had wanded me (used a hand metal detector) was standing there. "Yes?" I thought long and hard, did I misinterpret his sending me on through? Did Greg make a mistake by insisting we didn't have to pay the twenty-five dollar cover charge? I didn't want trouble, not tonight. "How are you? May I sit down?" I let out a sigh of relief and motioned for him to take the seat opposite me. For a moment we just stared at each other, no words were said but it was as if instantly we connected with our eyes, or that was how it felt to me, my heart beat faster. From the looks of him, he struck me as a somewhat older guy, probably thirty, thirty-one, a young Don Juan resembling Robert Deniro and he had a mole too. My throat felt dry and I took a sip of my rum and coke, it tasted strong to me but I dismissed it, at that moment it could have been straight up vodka and it would have still been refreshing. "First time here?" He asked keeping his eyes locked on mine. "Yeah." "You came in with Greg right?" "Yeah." Everyone seemed to know Greg and I wondered if this guy had tricked with him, Lord knows he was a looker. "I know he's not your man so I'm not gonna waste any of your time or mine." "Ok..." I said unsure of what came next. All I knew for a fact was that I was being cruised and what an experience it was. "I have this thing for the young guys that come in here, especially the white ones." He winked on that count and I could feel my face deepen in shade. He continued and what he had to say left me craving a hundred rum and cokes. "A lot of the guys that come up in here are already UAB you know." No, I didn't know and I asked him what 'uab' was, "Used and abused, they already been fucked by so many men you don't even wanna trick with them. Half the cats up in the place I've fucked with including Greg." And even though I should have been disgusted especially since about two hundred+ were in the house tonight, I found myself turned on by it. "What I'm saying is variety is the spice of life. You're new, you're fresh, you're cute and I thought maybe," he leaned over and grabbed my crotch hard causing my knee to hit the table equally as hard, turning over my drink, "you wanna get busy, I got a nice room upstairs, we could go fast or we could go slow. Whatever you want." He let go as soon as he felt my dick begin to sprout up. I managed to get out a nod before he pulled me up by the hand and led me through the crowd. I could feel all eyes were on me and the voyeur in me came out. The thought that all these people knew what was about to go down had me growing harder, if that was possible. "You're gonna enjoy this baby." He purred leading me through a door that I envisioned led to a big cozy room with a double. If that was what I had hoped for, it was quickly dismissed when I saw a throw away couch in one corner and a small trashcan over flowing with used condoms in another. He caught me looking at it and quickly diverted my gaze from there with a simple finger positioned on my chin. "You don't worry about that." He said seductively tracing my face with the finger. And I had to admit that did the trick for I was hard as wood, ready as well as willing to do whatever he wanted. "You ever fucked a bouncer?" He asked, his lips descended on mine. I didn't think I expected an answer nor did I grace him with one, I just went with the flow. His lips felt hot against mine and I took in his taste. I felt his hand grab my crouch in one hard grasp and I cried out in pain, as much as I could with his mouth on mine. He finally released me and turned me away from him, "you're gonna get it good." He whispered into my ear pushing me towards the couch and leaning me over it. While I had an idea it was going to be like this, I was still shocked when it happened. He pulled down my pants and underwear in one quick motion and shoved his dick up my ass. I felt the rubber as it made contact with my skin and let out a sigh of relief. "Oh fuck boy, you're tight." He grunted as he held my left hand behind my back. I tried to enjoy what was happening, I tried to block out the pain I felt, but it was virtually impossible. Every time his dick went deeper into me I winced and stifled a cry of pain - it really did hurt. Finally he announced he was cumming and after a fifteen second bout of grunting and moaning, he collapsed unto my back. I just wanted him off and out of me but I knew if I said something, the tears would start to fall. I felt his dick slip out of me and his body rise up off mine. "Nice, bud, nice." He said as he slapped my butt and zipped up his pants. I was embarrassed to turn around and face him but the latter option of staying in the position I was, bent over a couch with my ass winking at him would have been worse. He smiled at me and winked, "You're cute kid, real cute. This wasn't your first time was it?" I shook my head and started to pull up my pants. "Cat got your tongue?" He continued. "No." I answered, frightened at the intonation present in my voice. I sounded angry. "Hey! No need to get your panties in a bunch kid. I didn't force you to do nothing you ain't wanna do. You were just as willing as I was." And with that he walked out leaving me standing there with my pants unbuttoned, my dick hanging out and tears streaming down my face. "Where the fuck were you tonight?" Greg asked as we were driving back to his condo. "I don't wanna talk about it." I replied turning my face away from him. But he wasn't leaving it alone, he continued to pester me about my whereabouts until I couldn't take it anymore, "I was busy getting fucked!" I cried. He started to laugh and patted me on the back saying that he was proud of me until I turned to face him, "What's the matter?" "Nothing, just leave me the fuck alone." I whispered, barely able to get the words out. He pulled his SUV to the curb and shut off the engine. "Danny, what happened tonight man?" he asked. And I was actually shocked to hear concern in his voice - I didn't know that Greg had it in him to be serious. "I don't wanna talk about." "I'm not leaving here till we do talk about it - did someone do something you didn't like?" I couldn't answer him and if I could, what would I have said? "I'm calling George." He said punching in numbers into his cell phone. I grabbed it from him and pressed END just as it had started dialing. "No!" "Fine, fine. You don't want to tell me what happened, you don't want to talk to George, what do you want to do Danny?" "I just want to go home." I whispered, my voice barely audible over the stereo. He shrugged and pulled back unto the road. As we drove through the winding streets I was aware that he was giving me sidelong glances every now and again followed by random nods of his head. "If someone hurt you I want you to tell me. I don't care who it is or what they said to you." When I didn't respond he continued, "you don't have to tell me tonight, I think you just need to sleep it off but tomorrow I want answers Danny, you got it?" "Yeah." "Good." Good. The rest of the trip home was driven in silence, the only thing that could be heard was the sounds of some R&B group in the background. GEORGE What was happening with my life I wasn't sure, but it was scaring the hell out of me. I had been through it all, marriage, kids, divorce, the military, 'being' straight, BEING gay and having to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with experience. I had survived and overcome all of that but I wasn't sure how I would survive and overcome this. I was 45 and happy with someone that I had never expected to feel this way about, but now all of that was dissolving before my eyes and for once in my life, I had neither expected nor prepared for it nor did I have a back up plan in place. When my marriage fell apart I had decided that maybe a life of solitude was for me so I joined the armed forces at thirty. I was discharged from the United States Marine Corps at thirty seven and moved into a 'family oriented' neighborhood where I met Dale and of course Daniel. Now you have to understand that I had never looked at Daniel as anything other than a child. He was the son of my neighbor and best friend Dale, nothing more. But as always, life is unpredictable and things happen that we can neither foresee nor control. Dale died and Daniel moved in with me. At first it was a parent/child relationship with us. Me being that father figure trying to get Daniel back on track with everything. Those first few months he had put me through hell but I knew it was hard for him to lose the only family he had left, I understood because I too was alone. And when things had finally settled down I came to realize that I loved him, I really did and that he loved me, or so I had thought. The Daniel that I had spoken to tonight was not the same one that I had grown to love. And for me to hear him say that he had wasted three years of his life with me had hurt. I had always thought that things between us were good, great even. He never complained when we went to Virginia, an old pastime of his, nor had he complained when I had offered to finance his NYU education, never expecting him to repay me a cent. We had a good life together and I couldn't figure out where it and we had gone wrong. Thinking back to the night he had declared his feelings for me, I remembered how serene things had been. It was a quiet night, too quiet. It was a Saturday evening and usually that meant that Daniel would be out with his friends partying it up or sitting in his room with the music cranked up. I had been sitting in the TV room watching something on Nick at Night when, "George?" "Yes Daniel." He seemed hesitant to continue, "Can I talk to you about something?" I had looked into his eyes and saw the anxiety that laid in wait there. "What's the matter Daniel?" He had been sitting opposite me on the love seat. He then got up and took a seat beside me on the settee, our knees and forearms touching. "Remember when you told me that it was ok for me to be open and honest with my feelings?" I had nodded thinking that he was talking about being open and honest about his feelings surrounding the death of his father. "Well," he paused and then firmly grabbed one of my hands in his, "I think I...no...I know that, I mean I've been thinking about this a lot and I know that I love you, I love you George." He leaned into me and tried to kiss me on the mouth but I rebuked him by turning my cheek. The look of hurt on his face was unmistakable. "Daniel..." I started but was silenced by him taking my momentary lapse in concentration and using it to his advantage - he pressed his lips against mine and then forced his tongue into my mouth. I would have liked to say that I was the stronger person, the adult in this situation but I wasn't. I was reduced to putty in a child's' hands - LITERALLY. I allowed him to french kiss me for almost a minute before I not too carefully pushed him off of me. He landed on my carpeted floor with a THUD. "Daniel STOP IT!" I bellowed, surprised at the intonation in my voice - so authoritative, so angry, so unlike me. Tears started to stream down his face and he let go a sob-like sound. I made a move to comfort him but he recoiled from me. "Leave me alone!" he had screamed, moving to the furthest corner of the room, not allowing me to touch him. "Daniel, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted at you." I had made another move to touch him, only to be swatted hard on the hand. "Don't fucking touch me." He had cried, this time getting up and running outside the house before I could stop him. I had waited up till almost one thirty when the front door quietly opened and Daniel walked in soaked with rain. "Are you ok?" I asked, getting up from the sofa and walking towards him. He just shook his head and crumpled into my arms, the sobs coming in fast and hard. All I could do was stroke his hair and kiss his forehead. When he finally calmed down, I sat him down in the kitchen and put on a pot of hot chocolate. "You want to talk about what's bothering you?" I asked praying for a response from him. His eyes wouldn't meet mine and I knew then that I had my work cut out for me. "Daniel...what happened, it shouldn't have happened." Still no response. "I'm your guardian, I was entrusted with your safety and well being by the state and in some ways by your father." He remained quiet. "I know what you're going through." "You don't know." He whispered, his eyes slowly meeting mine. "Yes I do. You have no family left so you may be interpreting a feeling of gratitude for something.... more." "No I'm not." "Daniel..." "No George, I'm not misinterpreting anything. I love you. I LOVE YOU! And please don't tell me I'm too young to know what love is." He took the words right out of my mouth. "I've known I was gay since I was fourteen, I told my father when I was fifteen, he was cool with it, I even had a boyfriend for a while." And to say that this information blew my mind away was an understatement. "I have a feeling that we have that in common, I felt it when I kissed you." "Daniel we can't do this, for many legal and ethical reasons, not to mention the fact that I was entrusted with your well being and..." I didn't get to finish as the glass he had thrown across the room hit the wall opposite me. "Fuck legal and ethical reasons. I want you!" he cried. I had never seen him so adamant about anything since I had known him. "No Daniel, NO! I'm not going to have this conversation with you. Now go to your room." I was as forceful as I could be but still he refused to budge. "Did you hear me Daniel?" "Yes!" He cried. "Well go!" "No!" "Daniel." "I'm not going to my room." And that was how it started. We spent the rest of the night/morning in the kitchen staring at each other across the room, neither of us willing to back down. And for the next three weeks, he would come and go, refusing to acknowledge me but I couldn't mistake those looks he gave me, the looks of longing, the looks of passions, the looks of wants and needs. I tried my best to ignore them but I couldn't. Finally on week four I called him into the kitchen. "Daniel, we have to talk." "Can't, I got to get to school - big project." He tried to weasel past me but I grabbed his arm. "Let me go man. You got no right to be grabbing on me like that." "Daniel..." "What!" "I'm worried about you." "You're worried about me. YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME! FUCK THAT! If you were worried about me things wouldn't be..." he paused and shook his head, "you know what, forget it, it doesn't matter, it doesn't even matter - you obviously don't feel the way about me that I feel about you." "Daniel, I know that you think you love me in that way but,...you're too young - 17 is not old enough to know that you love someone." "It's old enough for me to know that I love you." "Daniel..." "Give me a chance George, please, please, please." His eyes glistened with tears. "I can't Daniel. You're like a son to me, a son!" "But I'm not, fuck George, why are you making this harder than it has to be." "Because it is not appropriate." And as I had turned to walk away he turned the tables on me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. And before I could stop him, his lips were on mine and his hands found its way to the back of my neck. And even though I should have stopped him, halted all this madness, I didn't. I allowed him for that moment to have what he wanted, what he claimed he needed, me. And since that day, almost four years ago, we had been together, through the rough patches and the smooth ones, through thick and thin through everything under the sun, and we had survived. But now things had changed. Daniel had decided that what he needed now, I couldn't provide, and as that thought hit me, the first set of tears began to fall. I'M UNSURE IF I SHOULD CONTINUE TO WRITE THIS OR NOT. IF IT IS APPEALING TO ANYONE, PLEASE YET ME KNOW AND I WILL CONTINUE, IF NOT, IT WILL JOIN THE RANKS OF THE REJECTED.