Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 00:59:44 EDT
From: MindPieces <samuraisupremo@hotmail.com>
Subject: Unsent

Unsent
By-MindPieces & Leprechaun

Oh my god, we're back again!  Hey everyone, it's Leprechaun!  Here's a new
one for all of you that liked 'Bad Boy B-Rok', 'Afflecktion', & 'Loving
Luca'.  Here's a little background on the story--Quite a ways back, I never
DREAMED of writing a story with anyone.  I guess I didn't trust anyone to
work well with me, or trust myself enough to work well with another author.
Well, that sorta all changed when I met my co-author here.  I totally
believe that this was a GREAT idea, now.  I had a few apprehensions coming
into it, ofcourse, but I'm very proud of what the two of us have
accomplished with this story.  It's especially great to go back to writing
an original story and breaking away from the ole BSB thing, too!  My cohort
in crime thought that writing every other chapter in first person of a
different character would confuse the readers, but I think it turned out
very well, and I believe he does, too.  Besides, if you're a sucker for a
nice romance, then you'll like this story at the least (I hope?).  Anyway,
this is all total fiction (the characters and plot, anyway) so if this is
close to anything anyone has had happen to them--SORRY!  If it's illegal in
your state, province, county, city, whatever to read this type of story,
please do it and don't get caught (Damn the man!).  Or don't.  Also, if
homosexual sex repulses you--you insecure little homophobes--read on and
retch.  Or don't.  Anywho, if you liked the story, hated the story, have
constructive criticism, have any questions, answers, or just want to say
"howdy" to either of us, just e-mail MindPieces at MindPieces@aol.com!
Enjoy!!  Love to all the fans!!


Part 1

I walked into work that afternoon with my stomach churning and my palms
sweating. This was the day I had planned for, the day I had spent the
entire week psyching myself up for. It was time to take a chance, go out on
a limb, and see if a risk would pay off for me. It was bound to be one of
the hardest things I would ever have to do.
	"Hey Ryan," Justin said to me as I walked past him on my way to the
break room in the back. I gave him a nod and a smile, the nervousness in my
body becoming even more volatile as I made eye contact with him. I quickly
disappeared into the "employees only" section of the restaurant, calming
myself down as I clocked in for my shift.
	I walked into the restroom a moment later and began to change into
my cute waiter outfit, which basically consisted of black slacks, a white
dress shirt and a tie. I couldn't help but think back to when I had met
Justin a little over a year ago, when I first started working at the
Country Inn. I thought he was gorgeous right from the beginning...he had
that tall, dark haired, brown eyed look that knocked me over every
time. But I didn't actually fall hard for him until a few months down the
road. Every time we'd talk it seemed to give me goosebumps, and even though
he had a steady girlfriend I was convinced there was something he wasn't
telling me. Today was the day that I was going to find out.
	As I went out and faced the waiting tables I managed to add a
little more detail to my plan. I'd never had the nerve in the past to tell
a guy I liked him...or even to tell a guy that I was gay...so this was
going to be some new territory. I planned to take my break at the same time
Justin's shift ended, which was at seven o'clock that evening. I'd walk
with him outside, and SOMEHOW manage to lay all of this news out in front
of him. I could only pray that he'd return the favor.
	Time seemed to pass by slower than usual that day, and I found it
even more difficult to listen to the constant grumblings of my customers. I
was constantly checking my watch for the first four hours of my shift,
until finally it read three minutes to seven. I saw Justin walk in the back
to clock out, and I quickly went to ask my manager if I could take my
break. Luckily she said yes...my plan was in effect.
	I walked outside into the cool night air, running my speech over
and over in my head while I waited for him to walk out of those doors. What
was I doing? Was this idea completely insane? I knew if Brad was there that
he would have been slapping some sense in to me by that point.
	My worries were interrupted a moment later as I saw Justin come out
of the restaurant. I almost felt like I was going to pass out...my head was
light, my palms were drenched, and he was walking right over to me.
	"Hey Ryan, on your break huh?" he asked, giving me that smile that
made me melt nearly every time.
	"Yep, are you off?" I replied, keeping it simple.
	"Yeah, and it's about damn time. That place was busy as hell
today."
	"Tell me about it, and I still have about three hours to go."
	"Lucky you," he replied sarcastically.
	"So ummm..." I hesitated, my mind telling me to shut up before I
say anything idiotic. It was too late for that. "Can I talk to you about
something?"
	"Is it serious?" he asked, looking concerned.
	"Sort of, it's important," I replied, putting my hands in my
pockets.
	"Sure, go ahead."
	"Well, it's something I've been wanting to tell you for a long
time..." I paused, trying to remain calm and make sure I wasn't shaking or
blushing too badly. "I'm uhhh...I'm gay Justin."
	Once I blurted out my words it felt like they filled the air for an
eternity, but it was actually only a moment before his reaction. At first
he just looked shocked, but he eventually managed to form some sort of
sentence.
	"I don't really know what to say," he stated slowly, searching for
the right words. "I have no problem with it, if that's what you were
worried about."
	"Well that's not all," I replied, relieved that what I viewed as
'the worst of it' was already over. I removed my hands from my pockets,
feeling a little more confident.
	"What else is there?" he asked, sounding worried.
	"There's no really easy way to say this, so I'll just throw it out
there." I hesitated for a moment, folding my arms across my chest and
knowing that it was definitely too late to turn back now. "I think I'm in
love with you Justin."
	I stood there for a moment, thrilled to have my feelings off my
chest, and waiting for him to say something. Suddenly I saw his arm lift
up, and before I had time to react his fist had made direct contact with
the side of my face. I went down in a heap on the pavement, blood spewing
from my nose.
	"You know I have a girlfriend asshole! Why'd you have to tell me
that shit?"
	He walked past me, giving me a swift kick in the stomach as he ran
to his car in the parking lot. I laid on the ground for a few minutes,
coughing and trying to get the wind back in me. I wiped my face and saw
blood covering my hand. I'd really done a good one this time around.
	I picked myself up off the ground and walked back into the
restaurant, covering my face as I found the quickest route to the back. I
went in the bathroom and washed the blood off, touching my face lightly to
see if anything was broken or out of place. My nose looked like it had just
been through a war, and I decided it was time to give Brad a call.
	Brad and I had been best friends ever since he moved in across the
street when we were both about eight years old. His family had come all the
way from Boston, which I found fascinating since I had been stuck in Costa
Mesa, California for my entire life. We were inseparable all throughout
elementary school and junior high, but it wasn't until high school that our
friendship really deepened.
	It was the end of our sophomore year when I finally found the
courage to tell Brad I was gay. It was a secret that I'd never told anyone,
and hadn't even planned on telling anyone up until that point. It was
probably the scariest moment of my life. I just sort of blurted it out one
evening while we were eating pizza and watching some bad movie on cable. At
first he looked at me like I was insane...either that or he was just in
shock. I'll never forget what his first words to me were after my
bombshell. "Me too, hand me the remote."
	Ever since then we'd been inseparable, almost like brothers. We
talked about everything from school and our families to which guys had
looked hottest in their graduation robes. He was someone I could always
turn to during a crisis, and this was definitely one of those times.
	I picked up the phone in the break room, dialing his number and
hoping he would pick up so I wouldn't have to speak to his family members.
	"Second hand sports, we have the biggest balls in town." I heard
Brad say on the other end.
	"Brad? It's me."
	"Ryan? Well it's about time! How'd your little 'coming out party'
with straight boy go?" he asked with a laugh.
	"Not exactly as planned. Can you come pick me up at the
restaurant?"
	"If you need me to," he replied, no humor in his voice this time
around. "Are you okay?"
	"I might need to go to the hospital...will you hurry up?"

Part 2

    "Well, don't just stand there, hop in."  I tried to sound upbeat.

    However, from the look on Ryan's face, there was nothing to be upbeat
about.  He opened the door, and slid into the car.  Immediately, I saw his
nose and eye and realized what had happened.

    "That fucking asshole."  I fumed as Ryan closed the door.
    "Hey!  I'm sure he was just confused and frightened."  Ryan had a habit
of sticking up for jerks as long as he loved them.
    "Yeah, I bet that's what it was.  That fucking closet case homophobe."
I was pissed.
    "Yeah, yeah," Ryan rolled his eye, probably would've rolled them both
if the right one wasn't the size of an orange, "So, will you take me to the
emergency room?"
    "Sure.  However, I don't think you're gonna die."  I tried to find some
humor in the situation.
    "I know, I just wanna make sure he didn't break my nose."
    "Alright."
    "What did the ole boss lady say about you leaving?"  I pried.
    "Well, she didn't really have much to say when she saw my face."  Ryan
explained.
    "I guess that's about right," I agreed, "Do we need to call your mom
about your insurance or anything?"
    "Like she'd be there or care?"  Ryan said it like it was question.
    "Well?"
    "No, I have it all here."  He patted his pocket.

    When we got to the ER, I dropped Ryan off in the little circular
driveway thing, and parked the car while he went in.  It must have been a
slow night, 'cause by the time I got inside, they were taking him back.

    "Do you want me to come with you?"  I ran up to the nurse that was
dragging Ryan away.
    "Yeah."  Ryan looked panicked.
    "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait out here."  The nurse said sternly.
    "Well, I'm his best friend."  I explained.
    "Only close family members."  The nurse stated and started pulling Ryan
with her.
    "Will you be alright?" I grabbed Ryan and asked him before the nurse
could pull him away.
    "I hope so."  He smiled faintly right before the nurse pulled him into
the ER and shut the door.

    I grabbed a seat in the corner and picked up the first magazine I saw.
Of course Senator Jesse Helms had to be on the cover.  Like I wasn't in a
bad enough mood, now I had to be sick to my stomach on top of it.  I began
to glance through the magazine as I waited on Ryan to be let out.
    I was just a little protective of Ryan.  He was my best friend in the
whole world after all.  To be honest, he was my only CLOSE friend.  We had
so much in common, it was almost scary.  We had the exact taste in music,
movies, and clothes.  The fact that we were both gay was just a bonus.  The
only thing we didn't have in common was our taste in food.  I was a total
health food nut, while Ryan tended to eat whatever wouldn't eat him first.
He always seemed to want pizza, which I usually had to end up picking all
the toppings off since he wouldn't get veggies.  It pissed me off that he
never gained weight.
    The only thing that agitated me about Ryan was the fact that he always
fell for straight guys.  There'd always be some "tall, dark and mildly
handsome" guy that would have to say one word for him to fall completely in
love.  Even if the one word was "Duh."  I told Ryan it was a real self-hate
issue for him to fall in love with straight guys all the time.  He didn't
listen to me.  Well, he rarely did.  The only time he wanted to listen was
when it was what he wanted to hear.
    When he came to me and told me he was in love with some guy named
Justin, I thought it was something real.  I asked him if Justin loved him
and he just said "Well he doesn't know yet."  My next question was obvious.
I asked him if Justin at least LIKED him.  That's when he told me he didn't
even know if Justin was gay.  Then he proceeded to tell me that Justin had
a steady girlfriend.  "Boy, you need help," was my answer.  He was my best
friend, but damn he was stupid sometimes.
    A couple days ago, when he told me that he was planning on breaking the
rather large, not to mention "queer", news to straight boy, I had to
protest.  I told Ryan that it was a rather risky move when he had no
indication that Justin was gay.  Ryan just told me I was too cautious and
ignored me like he usually did.  I kept trying to give him reasons why he
should just wait awhile, but he kept disputing every little thing I said.
Finally, I gave in and just let him have his way.
    I guess his childhood and upbringing didn't help any.  I mean, the
guy's mother was a complete alchie, who pretty much drank and slept through
his childhood.  When she wasn't too busy getting drunk or sleeping twelve
hours a day, she would be at work.  It's pretty fair to say that Ryan lived
at my house from age eight to age fifteen.  After we both turned sixteen,
we generally stayed at his house all the time 'cause his mom was never
there anyway.  I guess that was one good thing about the way things were.

    "Brad?"  I looked up to see Ryan walking towards me.
    "Hey, buddy."  I smiled, dropped the magazine and stood.
    "I just gotta sign some papers and we can leave."  Ryan explained.
    "Alright."  I noticed one of those steri-strip things across the bridge
of his nose.  His eye still looked like an orange.  Well, a black and blue
orange.
    
    Ryan walked over to the window and signed off on some insurance forms,
and we were out the door.

    "So what did the doctor say?"  I asked, draping my arm over his
shoulder as we walked through the parking lot.
    "Well, he said that my nose isn't broken, and my eye is gonna look like
this for a couple days.  Now I know I won't be getting Justin to go out
with me."  Ryan made a failed attempt at a joke.
    "Damnit.  I guess you're gonna have to drop out of that Miss America
pageant now."  I faked a cry.
    "Shaddup."  Ryan laughed and leaned into me.
    "Let's get you home, beautiful."  I laughed and dragged him towards the
car.

Part 3

	Brad dropped me off from the hospital at about nine that evening,
and I went inside the house, knowing mom would definitely be passed out by
that time. I flipped on the hallway light and walked the path to my room,
passing mom's open bedroom door on my way. She wasn't in there. Great, I
thought to myself...if it's past nine and mom isn't in her bedroom, she's
either dead or about to give me a call from jail. Just what I needed to top
off my night.
	I opened the door to the garage to see if her car was there, and
even before I flipped on the light I could make out the shape of it. At
least she was home, I thought to myself. I turned on the garage light and
immediately saw her lying on the dirty floor, passed out. This certainly
wasn't the first time this had happened...apparently the trip from the car
into the actual house could be a difficult one sometimes.
	"Good job mom," I said to myself as I turned the light off and shut
the door.
	I walked into my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me
and attempting to forget the entire night I had just experienced. I put on
Madonna's "Ray of Light" CD, stripped down to my boxers and got into bed,
lying there for a while. Of course I had to lie on my back, because if the
side of my face touched the pillow it would send shockwaves of pain through
my body. First the incident with Justin, then the hospital, then coming
home to find that mom could barely make it out of her car door...I needed
out of this city.
	I closed my eyes as the hospital's painkillers began to kick
in...the room started to swirl, and finally I was engulfed in complete
blackness.

	I woke up the next morning, my head slightly throbbing and the
thought that I'd be forced to go back to work that afternoon plaguing my
mind. I was sure that if Justin had his way, BOTH my eyes would end up
being the size of citrus fruits. I stumbled out of my room to see my mom
bustling around, getting ready for work like a usual morning. No matter how
much I always wanted to yell at her for her drunken idiocy, I could never
bring myself to do it once she had sobered up.
	"Guess what came in the mail yesterday?" she said as she walked
over to me, holding some sort of letter.
	"What?" I replied, turning my head and attempting to hide my eye.
	"Oh my God, what happened to you?!" she shrieked as she grabbed my
chin, turning my face towards her.
	"It's no big deal mom, I just got in a fight."
	"You've NEVER been in a fight! Why did this happen? Your eye looks
terrible!"
	"It's really not a big deal, I went to the hospital last night and
I assure you that I'm going to survive." I shrugged it off, annoyed with
her sudden overattentiveness.
	"Well will you at least tell me who did this to you?" she asked,
still sounding upset.
	"I don't want to talk about it okay? Now what's with the letter?" I
changed the subject as fast as possible, pointing to the mail in her hand.
	"Oh, this," she muttered, obviously bothered by the fact that I
wouldn't give her details on my drama last night. "Well it's good news."
	"I could use some of that," I said, mainly to myself.
	"It's a letter stating that you received your scholarship to the
University of Madison, Wisconsin, and that they're looking forward to
seeing you this fall."
	I felt a surge of excitement run through my body and I grabbed the
letter from her hand, reading it over just to make sure it was really true.
	"Oh my God!!!" I screamed, trying to contain myself. "I never
thought I would get this, I could have sworn that essay sucked."
	"I've always told you that you were a good writer, just like your
mother. If only your dad were alive to see this, he'd be so proud..."
	"That was like a decade ago mom," I snapped back, agitated by her
ability to bring my father into almost ANY conversation. He had died when I
was about eight years old and she had never really gotten over it...that
was when the alcohol had come into play.
	"I know, but I'll have to go to the cemetery and tell him all about
it."
	"That's great," I replied sarcastically. "I have to give Brad a
call about this college thing, he'll be thrilled."
	I ran into my room, picking up the phone and dialing Brad's number,
hoping it wasn't too early for him. I let it ring and hung up the instant
that the answering machine came on, instead walking to the window in the
front room to see if Brad's car was parked across the street. No sign of
it. If he was gone at this time of the morning it could only mean that he
had spent the night at Jason's house, which had become quite a common
practice over the last couple of weeks.
	Jason was the latest in Brad's illustrious string of boyfriends, a
guy which I still hadn't met and doubted I would have the chance
to. Whereas I spent my high school years pining over straight men, Brad
seemed to have a revolving door of "serious" relationships. It wasn't that
he was a slut, he just had a problem letting people get close to him. He'd
always push them away the instant things got too serious. It was a practice
I had attempted to talk him out of many times, but when it came down to it,
Brad always did what he wanted to do. I seemed to be the only person he
would open up to, but our situation didn't have any of those scary romantic
entanglements either.
	I went into my bedroom and spent the rest of my morning staring at
the letter, thinking of how it would automatically change everything. I had
applied for just about every scholarship known to man at the end of high
school, hoping for a chance to escape my mother, my dead end job, and Costa
Mesa in general. I pictured what it would be like to live in a completely
different town, moving into a dorm and maybe even finding someone besides a
straight guy to fall for. This was just the change I had been waiting my
entire life for.

	I arrived at work at around two that afternoon, thankful that the
swelling in my eye had gone down enough so it looked like a SMALL orange on
the side of my face. I saw Justin standing there, waiting on some
customers, but I quickly made my way to the back, avoiding any eye contact
with him. How was I supposed to get through the day like this? I couldn't
avoid him forever.
	I went and sat down in the break room, and was shocked a few
moments later when Justin walked in and sat down across from me. I didn't
say anything...I didn't even want to look at him.
	"Ryan, I need to talk to you," he said, thankfully not sounding as
pissed as the previous evening.
	"About what?" I asked, looking up at him and giving him a full view
of his handiwork from the night before.
	"I overreacted last night, and I shouldn't have punched you," he
stated, not being able to avert his gaze from the swollen lump on my
face. "Your eye looks terrible and I apologize for that."
	"I should apologize too," I replied, realizing he had already won
me back over and he probably didn't even know it. "I shouldn't have just
confronted you with that, it was selfish of me."
	"It was just unexpected," he replied, hesitating for a moment. "I'd
never had a guy come up and tell me that, I didn't know how to respond."
	"Well, now you'll know for the next time around." I smiled, making
an attempt to lighten the air.
	"Right," he replied, smiling back. "I just hope we can be
friends...or at least coexist around here. We have to see each other almost
everyday."
	"Okay then," I said, trying to keep the joy I felt on the
inside. "Friends it is."
	I reached my hand across the table, and he shook it before standing
back up.
	"I'm glad we cleared that up. Now go get into your uniform so you
can help me out with these bitchy customers."
	I smiled and nodded as we left the break room. I knew there was a
reason I loved Justin...it was so like him to just sit down, be civil, and
apologize when he knew he was wrong. I'd definitely have to call Brad after
work and tell him the good news. My day was suddenly looking up, between
the college news and this unexpected development with Justin. Now I just
needed someone to vent to and share it with.

Part 4

    I woke up, the morning after taking Ryan to the hospital, in bed with
Jason.  Jason was twenty years old, and lived in this shitty little
apartment on the bad side of town.  I stayed the night with him practically
every night.  We really didn't have anything going on except great sex.
That's pretty much all we saw in each other.
    Jason was one of those pretty boys that anyone would love to have on
top of them each night.  Of course, when a boy is REALLY hot, you usually
have to deal with a lack of brains.  Whenever Jason said anything, it was
usually some incoherent mumble.  I usually just humored him and laughed.
Of course, this was all a small price to pay for amazing sex.
    Jason's arm was draped over my chest.  I laid there for a moment,
watching his arm raise with my breathing.  The sun was starting to shine in
through the rather large crack in the blinds.  I could hear cars starting
up in the parking lot below.  All the suckers that had to go to work.  I
smiled to myself at the thought of not having to go into work today, just
being able to be lazy.
    As I laid there, listening to Jason's satisfied breathing, I wondered
if Ryan and Justin had kissed and made up.  I pretty much knew Ryan was
gonna get his heart broken before he confessed his love to Justin, but I
still held hope that they'd end up being friends after the night before.  I
always wished the best for Ryan.  Regardless of how ignorant his choices in
men were, I still wanted him to find some level of love from one of them.
    I didn't have much of a chance to think about Ryan's plight.  Jason
began to stir, pulling me, physically, towards him, holding me tight.  I
grunted from the pressure he put on my side, then laughed.  Slowly, his
eyelids flittered, and he was awake, looking up at me.  Jason smiled and
hugged me tighter.

    "Good mornin'."  I smiled back.
    "Hey, sexy."  Jason replied and nuzzled into my side.
    "Did you sleep well?"  I asked as I moved away from him slightly.
    "Of course, I did.  I was with you."  Jason smiled and kissed me on the
cheek, pulling me back towards him.
    "Yeah, me too."  I smiled, then pulled away and stood.
    
    I slowly slipped on my boxer briefs and walked over to the kitchen,
which was fully accessible from the bedroom.  In fact, the whole apartment
was just one big dusty room.  I poured myself a glass of water from the tap
and took a healthy drink.  Jason looked at me funny, then sat up on the
bed, still naked.

    "What's wrong?"  Jason asked, with a frown.
    "Nothing, just gotta think about heading home is all."  I took another
drink.
    "Why?  You can stay here today and be lazy with me."  Jason smiled and
stood, slipping on his boxers.
    "No, I should really get home.  I need to check on Ryan, too."  I
explained.
    "Well, okay."  Jason's intellect astounded me.
    
    I drank the last bit of water in the glass and placed it in the sink.
I quickly walked over to the side of the bed, pulled my jeans on, then
yanked my t-shirt on.  I sat down next to Jason and put my tennies on as
quick as I could.  When everything was in order, I grabbed my backpack,
then leaned down and kissed him real quick.

    "See ya, later."  I smiled as I pulled away.
    "Alright, be good."  Jason slapped my ass as I walked away.
    "Bye."  I smiled as I opened the door.
    "Love you, bye."  Jason stated just as I closed the door.

    LOVE ME?!?!?!?

    I hated that.  Love me. Ugh.  How could he LOVE me?  I started to walk
off and just leave it alone.  Who cares, right?  But, when I got down to
the end of the hall, I realized that Jason was a stupid shit that needed to
be set straight.  I stormed back down to his apartment and through the
door.  As soon as I opened the door, Jason sat up on the bed and looked at
me like I was crazy.

    "Decide to stay?"  Jason questioned.
    "No.  What the hell do you mean, 'you love me?'"  I fumed.
    "What do you mean?"  Jason's eyes bulged.
    "You don't love me!  I don't love you!"  I exclaimed.
    "Yes I fucking do!"  Jason screamed back.
    "What?  Get a little dick and fall in love?"  I was hitting below the
belt.
    "What?!?"
    "That's right.  Just 'cause we get laid you think you can just fall in
love with me?"  I laughed hysterically.
    "That's NOT why I love you."  Jason said, amazed.
    "Because you don't love me."  I condescended.
    "I don't care what you think, yes I do."
    "That's it, we're breaking up."  I screamed and walked out the door.
    
    I ran down the hall before Jason could come after me.  I ran down the
stairs, and through the parking lot to my car.  Right when I opened my car
door, I heard Jason screaming for me from his balcony.  I turned and
flipped him off then jumped in my car.  I quickly started my car and drove
off, trying to get as far away from the lunatic as I could.  I had to go
somewhere.  Somewhere alone.
    I rode all around town, then finally out to the beach.  I ended up
parking my car and just sitting on the beach for several hours, wondering
how I could be so unlucky.  I had some doofus telling me he loved me when I
was just looking for a friendship and maybe a little sex.  Why couldn't I
find some other non-affected guy like myself?  Someone that wouldn't get
attached.
    It was about noon when I decided it was best that I started heading
home.  Especially considering that it was at least an hour drive from the
beach.  I needed to go home and call Ryan.  I needed someone to cry to.  I
just hoped he wasn't at work.  I hopped back in my car and turned the key.
    I turned on the radio and 'I Drive Myself Crazy' by N'Sync started
pouring out of the speakers.  Great, just what I needed to hear, I thought
to myself as I pulled out of the parking lot.  I pretty much sobbed the
whole way back to my house as sad song after sad song played.  I guess the
deejay knew what kind of mood I was in that day.
    When I pulled into my driveway, it was one-thirty.  I looked over at
Ryan's house when I got out of the car, but didn't see his car anywhere in
sight.  Right when I got in the house, I tried to call him, but there was
no answer.  Shit.  I didn't know what to do.  I put 'Live Through This', my
Hole CD, in the cd player and plopped down on my bed.  I was in the mood
for some "angry-bitch" music.



    I woke up to the phone ringing.  It was dark outside, and my CD must
have been on the tenth go round.  I blindly picked up the phone and muted
the cd player with my remote.

    "Hello?"  I mumbled into the receiver.
    "Brad?  It's Ryan!"  He sounded way too cheerful for me.
    "Hey, what's up?"  I groaned as I sat up on the bed.
    "Well, Justin apologized today for hitting me.  He said he still wants
to be friends."  Ryan was WAY too giddy for me.
    "That's great."  I said, not too convincingly.
    "What's wrong?  Is there a problem?"  Ryan asked, sincerely concerned.
    "Nothing."  I sighed.
    "Come on, something has to be wrong.  I know you better than that,
Brad."  Ryan tried to get the info out of me.
    "Can I come over?"  I asked.
    "That bad, huh?"  Ryan faked a laugh.
    "Yeah, you might want to break out your mom's liquor."  I tried to make
a joke.
    "Uh oh.  You better hurry and get over here."  Ryan stated.
    "Alright, I'm on my way."
    "Make sure to turn your Hole CD off."  Ryan knew what I did when I was
in these moods.
    "Okay. I'll be right there."  I laughed.

Part 5

	I heard a knock on the front door about five minutes after I hung
up with Brad, and I opened it to see him standing there, backpack in
hand. The sun had gone down about an hour ago, and I was still dressed in
the slacks and white shirt that I had been in all day at work. I could
immediately tell that something was wrong, just by seeing the look on his
face.
	"Come on in," I said, waving him inside before closing the door.
	"Is mom still awake?" he asked, walking down the hallway and
leading the way to my room.
	"It's like, what...9:00? What do you think?" I replied
sarcastically.
	"Good point," he said lowly, collapsing on my bed while I sat down
on the edge.
	"Okay, out with it," I demanded. "I bet you were at least on the
tenth go round of your Hole CD, something is up."
	"I broke up with Jason," he blurted, making it short and to the
point as he lay there, arms behind his head.
	"Why?" I asked, not particularly shocked by this turn of events.
	"Cause he's an asshole, nothing more complicated than that. Not to
mention the fact that he's a complete idiot...hot as hell, yes, but an
idiot. I'm surprised he could even form a complete sentence." He seemed to
be getting more angry as he spoke.
	"Damn, that's pretty harsh." I propped my feet up on the bed,
getting more comfortable. "And why did it take you this long to figure all
this out?" I asked, feeling an odd mixture of confusion and concern toward
my friend.
	"Well I always knew that he was low on brain cells, but it just
became unbearable today. You'll never guess what he told me."
	"What's that?"
	"It's a good one," he said, hesitating for a moment. "He LOVES me!
LOVES me!" He started laughing hysterically for a moment, clutching his
stomach while writhing around on the bed. "Can you imagine? All I want the
guy for is some decent sex, and he has to go and fuck it all up."
	"So you broke up with him cause he told you he loved you?" I asked,
not really finding the humor in the situation.
	"Basically, yes," he replied, finally regaining his composure. "The
last thing I need is for some dumb guy to fall head over feet for me, it
just makes everything so complicated."
	"Well he must have been more to you than just good sex, or
otherwise you wouldn't be over here right now with your backpack on my
floor." I knew that he felt more than he was willing to tell me...I could
just read it in him.
	"It's not important anyway," he retorted, shrugging it off.
	"Did your parents say anything about your mood when you got home?"
	"Oh please," he said, rolling his eyes at the thought. "You know my
family, I could slit my wrists in the bathroom and it'd probably take them
three weeks to realize it."
 	"True. I forgot that you live with the oblivious bunch."
	"At least one of us can forget. So enough about my shit day, give
me all the details on what Justin had to tell you."
	"Oh," I said lowly, deciding to go ahead and play along with the
subject change. "Well, he cornered me in the break room right after I got
in."
	"Cornered you huh?" Brad asked, smiling an evil smile. "Sounds
kinky."
	"Yeah I wish," I laughed. "Anyway, he just said that he was sorry
for hitting me, he didn't know how to handle my news, it scared him and he
overreacted. So he wanted to make up for it and try to be friends."
	"I know JUST how he can make up for it," Brad said with a laugh,
that same devilish grin on his face.
	"Shut the fuck up," I replied, slapping him on the arm. "Anyhoo,
the day went pretty smoothly after that."
	"Good, at least something went right today. So does your mom have
any alcohol or what? I think I NEED it tonight," he said jokingly.
	"That's a dumb question," I replied. "We may not have anything even
remotely edible in this place, but there's NEVER a booze shortage."
	"That's what I like to hear, go grab it."
	I hopped off the bed and walked out to the kitchen, coming back in
the room moments later with a case of beer in hand. I closed my door and
took my work shirt off, throwing it in the hamper.
	"I've even got something for us to celebrate," I said as I took out
two beers and handed one to Brad.
	"What? My breakup from the dumb shit?"
	"Well, there IS that. But actually I was referring to this."
	I grabbed the letter from off my nightstand and handed it to Brad
as I sat back down on the bed. He took it out of the envelope, reading it
over a couple of times before saying anything. His face remained blank as
he stared at the paper, and I couldn't quite tell what his reaction was.
	"Madison, Wisconsin huh? Wow," he stated, still looking at the
letter.
	"Yep. That translates to a one way ticket away from mom and out of
Costa Mesa. What do you think?"
	"I think we have something to toast to," he said, a smile forming
on his face.
	"So you're happy then?" I asked, starting to smile myself.
	"Of course I am dumb ass, this is what you've always wanted."
	"Well I'm happy that you're happy," I said, not able to stop
smiling as we cracked open our first beers of the evening. "So what do we
toast to?"
	"Hmmmm..." he muttered, thinking for a moment. "Certainly NOT to
men. So how about to change? As well as to getting so hammered that we
can't feel our legs by the end of the evening."
	"Sounds good to me. To change, and to leg numbness," I said as we
clinked our bottles together and started chugging.

	The rest of the week went by pretty uneventfully, as I adjusted to
the thought of leaving town, and Brad adjusted to his breakup with
Jason. Each night I would sit in my room, fantasizing about the new life
that would be mine within a matter of a couple months. It was an enticing
thought, and the only part that seemed to depress me was that I'd have to
leave Brad behind. I knew he'd move on though, find some new friends and
finally get his life together, but it still wasn't going to be an easy
transition for either of us. He'd been there for me as long as I could
remember, and I had no idea where I would run to bitch and moan once I was
in Wisconsin.
	About eight days after my pounding by Justin my eye finally looked
normal again, so I was free to go out in public without getting too many
strange looks. I went into work that Thursday afternoon feeling better than
I had in a long time, stopping in the break room as usual to get my outfit
together and put my shit away. I was surprised when Justin came in a moment
later, looking more nervous than I had ever seen him.
	"Hey Ryan," he said, smiling as he stood there.
	"Hi Justin," I said slowly, looking at him and wondering what his
problem was. "Is everything alright?"
	"Yeah, sure, great," he blurted out. "Everything's fine, why do you
ask?"
	"You just look a little...nervous I guess." I grabbed my work
clothes, preparing to walk past him so I could go in the bathroom and
change.
	"No wait," he said, grabbing my arm as I tried to pass. "I really
need to talk to you about something, and if I don't get it out now I never
will."
	I gave him a strange look, but I could tell by his face and his
eyes that he was dead serious.
	"Okay, no problem. You can let go of my arm now."
	"Oh right, sorry," he smiled, releasing his hand. "Can we sit down
for a sec?"
	"No problem." I pulled out a chair and sat, putting my work clothes
back on the table in a pile.
	"I've been so confused about my life this past week that I almost
felt like I was losing my mind," he said as he sat down in the chair next
to me. "I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago."
	"You did?" I asked, shocked by the news. I knew they had been
together for quite a few months, and he always had something good to say
about her.
	"Yes, I did. It's crazy I know. Everything is crazy lately," he
muttered, running his hands through his hair and trying to remain calm.
	"Did you guys have a fight or something?" I wasn't sure where in
the hell he was going with this.
	"No, not really. I just told her I didn't want to see her
anymore. She was pretty upset, not to mention confused."
	"Well...I'm sorry...I guess," I said lowly, not sure how to react
to the news.
	"But don't you want to know why I broke up with her?" he asked,
moving slightly closer to me.
	"Why?"
	"Because of you," he blurted quickly. "God I can't believe I'm
telling you all of this."
	ME?!?
	"Because of ME?" I was sure my chin had hit the ground by this
point, I probably looked like a moron.
	"Yes, because of you," he said, sounding completely sincere and
slightly relieved. "I know it doesn't make sense, cause it doesn't make
sense to me either. I just know that I want to be with you, and I want to
be around you more."
	I sat there in shock for at least a minute, getting ready to pinch
myself in case I was dreaming. I had fallen for quite a few straight boys
in my time, but THIS was a new one. Silence seemed to fill up the room, and
all I could think was that there was NO way this was really happening. I
was blown away.
	"Is this some sort of a joke?" I asked, wondering if this was some
cruel setup.
	"NO, I swear to you this is no joke," he said, putting his hand on
top of mine. "It's all I've been thinking about since I hit you last week,
which I really am sorry about. Just go out on a date with me...ONE date,
that's it. If you still think I'm joking then we'll stop right there."
	"A date?" I repeated, still completely baffled by this turn of
events. Was his hand really on top of mine? Maybe I was
hallucinating. "Sure, we can do that."
	"Really?" he asked, sounding elated. "That's great. So are you busy
tomorrow night after work?"
	"No, not that I know of," I rambled, still in a slight daze.
	"Great, we can talk about it at work tomorrow and figure out the
details. Does that sound okay?"
	I nodded, the words no longer capable of flowing from my lips.
	"Cool," he said, standing back up like he had just heard he won the
lottery. "I better get back to work before the boss comes in and kicks my
ass. I'll see you out there."
	I nodded again and smiled as he walked out the break room door and
disappeared. This was the last thing that I ever expected to happen to
me. Did I somehow find a way to turn a straight man gay? Or was he just
confused and using me as some sort of experiment? It didn't really
matter...Justin wanted to go out on a date with ME! Who was I to argue?
	I got up from the table, grabbing my work clothes and preparing for
another long shift as a million different thoughts ran through my head. I
had to call Brad as soon as possible, he was going to shit a brick with
this one. A smile formed across my face, and as I went in to change I
suddenly felt like the luckiest man alive...things were finally going my
way.

Part 6

	For a week straight, Ryan and I spent every waking moment together.
We talked about straight men issues, love issues, and my unparalleled fear
of intimacy with my plethora of men.  Most of all, we talked about him
going to college in a state over one thousand miles away.
    	I was ecstatic for him, but at the same time, I felt like I was
missing something.  Losing Ryan was like losing an eye.  I relied greatly
on Ryan for various reasons.  He was my best friend after all.  Lately,
though, I was wondering if that was all he was to me.  I was beginning to
feel different towards Ryan.  I just didn't know HOW different.
    	I just didn't like the thought of going to a state college and Ryan
going out of state.  I guess I'd learn to cope however much I didn't want
to.  It's not like there wasn't a phone or e-mail if I wanted to get in
touch with him.
    	It just wouldn't be the same without him around.  I was pondering
all the thoughts going through my mind when my phone rang.
 
    	"Hello?"  I spoke into the receiver.
 	"Brad, it's Jason."
   	"Oh lord."  I sighed.
	"Listen, I just wanted to say that I love you.  And no matter what
you say, you love me." Jason blurted out.
     	"Whoopty doo."  I sighed again.
   	"I don't care how you act, you can't make me hate you."
 	"Get over it boy.  Stop making an ass out of yourself.  I DON'T
love you."  I sighed and hung up the phone.
  	
	I walked over to my stereo and put Hole in.  It wasn't two minutes
into 'Violet' that my phone was ringing again.

	"Listen fucker!"  I screamed.
 	"May I speak to the queen of the household?"  I heard Ryan's voice.
 	"Queen Shasta McNasty speaking."  I laughed.
  	"Hey!  I have GREAT news!"  Ryan laughed.
  	"You ran over a small child on the way to work?"  I asked.
	"Better."  Ryan giggled.
	"A mime?"
	"Justin asked me out on a date.  AND he broke up with his
girlfriend."  Ryan spoke rapidly.
	"Great."  I tried to sound happy.
	"Don't start a parade, bitch."
 	"Bitch?!?  You MUST be happy."  I laughed.
    	"Oh god, I'm so happy.  It's like a dream come true."  Ryan sounded
ecstatic.
   	"So when are you and straight-boy going out?"  I teased.
 	"Tomorrow night!!  I can't wait!!"
	"Think he'll put out on the first date?"  I grinned to myself.
	"Pervert."  Ryan laughed.  I could imagine him blushing.
 	"That's me."  I laughed with him.
	"I'll have to come over after work and tell you all about it."
  	"Okay.  Hey, is the restaurant busy?"  I asked.
  	"No, we're practically sitting around on our asses.  Why?"  Ryan
replied.
  	"Mind if I come down there and eat dinner?"
 	"Sure, but you want to come scope out the goods."  Ryan knew me too
well.
   	"Yeah.  That, too."
	"Come on down." Ryan answered.
  	"Okay, I'll be down in a minute."
	"Alright, you better tip good." Ryan laughed.
	"Bye."  I laughed.

	I turned off my stereo and grabbed my backpack.  I walked down the
stairs, and tried to make it to the door without getting caught.  I wasn't
very lucky.

   	"Brad? Where are you going?"  My mother appeared from nowhere.

	I turned around.

	"Huh?"
 	"Where are you going?"
	"Just going to a club downtown.  I'm going to get jiggy with it, do
some crank.  Mosh.  Drop some rufies in some drinks."  I replied seriously.
	"Are you staying at Ryan's?"  My mother didn't blink.
   	"Yeah, he bought a keg for the party."  I replied.
   	"Well, be good and have fun."
	"Bye."  I shook my head.
  	"Bye sweetie."

	I hopped in my car and made my way quickly to the restaurant.
There were two cars in the lot when I arrived.  Undoubtedly Ryan and
Justin's.  I grabbed my backpack and walked inside, looking for Ryan.

	"How many?"  The hostess asked.
 	"One.  And could you put me in the smoking section.  Preferably
where Ryan's working?"  I smiled.
	"Certainly, this way."
	
	I was seated and barely lit a cigarette before Ryan was standing at
my table with his cute little waiter uniform on.

	"Hey, boy!"  Ryan was grinning from ear to ear.
 	"Hey, so where is it?"  I asked.
  	"Where's what?"
 	"Straight boy, gutter slut!"  I ordered with a laugh.
	"Oh," Ryan laughed, "over there."
 
	Ryan motioned over his shoulder.  I looked across the dining area,
my eyes stopping at a very hot guy.  He was almost perfect.  Chiseled face,
built, cute smile, and a nice package to boot.

	"Whatta ya' think?"  Ryan asked.
	"Could you ask him to turn?"
	"Bitch."  Ryan laughed.
	"Bring him over here Bertha."  I demanded with a giggle.
	"Okay."  Ryan sighed.

	I sat there puffing on my cigarette as I watched Ryan walk over and
talk to Justin.  I snubbed out my cigarette as they approached the table.

	"Brad this is Justin."  Ryan smiled.
	"Nice to meet you."  I extended my hand.
 	"The famous Brad, eh?"  Justin smiled widely and shook my hand.
  	"I'm going incognito tonight, shhhhh."  I teased.
 	"Ooops, sorry."  Justin laughed.
	"So Ryan.  Bring me the usual."
	"Aye aye Cap'n!"  Ryan saluted with a laugh and jaunted off.
	"You smoke?"  I asked Justin.
	"No."
	"Well pretend.  Sit down."  I laughed.
 	"I guess I can since you're the only one here."  He replied as he
sat down.
	"So, tell me all about you."  I smiled as I lit a cigarette.
	"Alright."  Justin's smiled beamed.

	Justin sat with me all the while I ate, regaling me with his happy
existence.  At eleven o'clock, the restaurant closed and we were still
sitting there.

	"Alright, boys.  You don't have to go home but you can't stay
here."  Ryan walked up.
	"I'm crashing at your house."  I replied.
 	"Okay, come on."  Ryan motioned as I grabbed my backpack.
	"Why don't you come, too?"  I invited Justin.
	"No, I don't want to intrude."
	"Not at all, now move your ass."  I laughed.
	"Okay, let me grab my stuff."  Justin seemed extremely happy.

	As soon as Justin reappeared, we were on our way to Ryan's house.
I made Justin ride with me to Ryan's house so I could get some more dirt.
I guess he was suitable for Ryan since he thought Alanis Morissette and
Courtney Love were goddesses, too.  He told me all about breaking up with
his girlfriend and wanting to date Ryan, and went on endlessly about how he
was extremely attracted to him.  When he told me that, I felt jealous all
the sudden.
    	When we arrived at Ryan's house, we all hurriedly went into his
room to avoid a scene with his mother.  Justin and I chose the mood music
as Ryan corralled some liquor for us.  As soon as Alanis and the liquor
were pouring, we were happy.
  	We all decided to play "I Never."  Which is better than "Truth or
Dare."  The simplicity of the game made it easy for drunk guys to play it.
Someone made a statement about something they had done in their life and if
you could agree, you didn't drink.  If you couldn't agree, you had to
drink. Justin was fubared in thirty minutes.
  	
	"I've had so much fun with you guys!"  Justin schmoozed as Ryan and
I laughed at him.
	"Lightweight!"  I laughed as I downed another shot.
	"Aw, come on.  Don't tell me you aren't having fun!"  Ryan laughed
and punched me in the arm hard.
	"Ow, cunt!"  I laughed.
	"Eat me!"  Ryan demanded with a laugh.
	"Yeah, eat him!"  Justin repeated, drunkenly.
	"I'd rather eat an Egg McMuffin."  I snorted.
	"Aw, don't even act like you wouldn't!"  Ryan laughed.
	"How about this?"  I smiled fakely. "I'd rather eat rotten snatch!"
	"Ewwww."  Ryan and Justin died laughing as they said it at the same
time.

	Just as I started laughing, Justin fell over, his head landing in
Ryan's lap.

	"Oh great!  You killed him!"  I laughed loudly.
	"It was probably your stinking ass!"  Ryan laughed and tried to
shove Justin to a sitting position.
	"Mmmmm."  Justin moaned and dug his head deeper into Ryan's lap and
wrapped his arms around his waist.
	"Kinky."  I stated.
	"Jesus."  Ryan blushed with a giggle.
	"Hey, I better go."  I suddenly felt sick, but managed to smile.
	"No, I'll get him up."
	"I'm sure you will, that's why I have to go."  I teased.
	"Are you sure?"  Ryan frowned.
	"Yeah."  I said and stood.
	"Okay, be careful getting home."  Ryan said as I walked out of his
bedroom and closed the door.

	I made my way out of the house and to my car before I finally lost
it.  I grabbed the door handle on my car, doubled over and puked.  For what
seemed like hours, I stayed bent over, vomiting.  Finally, I straightened
back up.  Amazingly, I felt like drinking more.  I finally hopped into my
car and started it.  The Hole CD was going to get worn out tonight.

Part 7

	I woke up late the next morning, my mouth nasty with the aftertaste
of too many shots the night before. I opened my eyes slowly, stretching my
arms and trying to remember exactly what had happened after Brad had
left. I quickly realized that I was only in my boxers, and when I turned my
head I saw Justin lying asleep next to me, also half naked.
	"Oh my God," I whispered to myself.
	I checked the clock. 10 AM. Both me and Justin had to be at work
within four hours, and then the big date would be after that. I put my
hands on my forehead, trying to remember what had happened after Brad went
home. Justin was burying his face in my lap...we were both trashed. It was
coming back to me in bits and pieces.
	"Hey handsome," Justin said as he rolled over and laid his arm
across me, crashing my train of thought.
	"Hi," I smiled, feeling somewhat awkward and more than a little
confused.
	"You were great last night," he muttered, breaking out in a yawn as
he stretched his arms.
	"I WAS?" I couldn't believe it. I had slept with him and didn't
even remember it!
	"Yeah you were. It was really nice of you to get me out of my
clothes and into bed and everything. Without you I probably would have
passed out in the middle of your hallway," he laughed.
	"Right," I said, feeling slightly relieved. "You mean we
didn't...you know?"
	"Oh God no," he blurted out, blushing and laughing at the same
time. "Never BEFORE the first date."
	I laughed along with him, breathing a sigh of relief that I hadn't
done anything I'd regret in the morning. Not that I'd regret sleeping with
Justin, but fucking him while we were both wasted wasn't exactly the
setting I'd had in mind over the past year.
	"So get up lazy ass," I said as I sat up, tossing the covers
back. "We have work and a date to prepare for."

	After we had both showered and gotten dressed, Justin and I passed
our next few hours before work on our asses, watching television and
talking. I felt close to him in a way, since I had been lusting after him
for over a year, but in another sense I realized that I really didn't know
much about him. I had never even kissed the guy, despite the fact that he'd
already had his head in my crotch.
	Justin also explained more to me about how he came to the decision
of breaking up with his girlfriend and pursuing me instead. He had never
done anything with a guy, but told me he was "eager for new experiences"
and hoped that I could help him out in that arena. I wasn't sure exactly
what THAT was supposed to imply, but I smiled regardless and told him I'd
try my best.
	Once we got to work the hours seemed to crawl by, just as they do
at any job. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as the hour of the
date quickly approached. I knew I'd have to rush home and get Brad over so
he could help me pick out some clothes and make sure that I looked studly
enough. What are best friends for after all?
	Finally the restaurant closed and Justin and I clocked out,
untucking our shirts and preparing for what would come next.
	"Give me about an hour, then come on over and pick me up," I told
him as we walked out the front doors.
	"An hour? Damn, you only live twenty minutes away."
	"I know, but I'm not going out with you in my penguin outfit, so
just make it an hour."
	"Alright," he said, playfully rolling his eyes. "You take longer to
get ready than my girlfriend did."
	"Shut up," I replied, laughing as I made my way to my car.

	I called Brad the instant I got home, telling him that it was a
fashion emergency and that he better get his ass over immediately. He
complied, even though he didn't sound like he was in the best mood. I also
thought I heard Hole playing in the background, but I kept my mouth shut.
	He rang the doorbell about five minutes later, and I quickly let
him in and lead him to my room so I could get ready. I opened up my closet
and told him to pick out whatever he thought would work. I sat on the bed,
waiting for his decision.
	"Where's that nice spaghetti strap black dress of yours hiding?
Justin would LOVE you in that," he said as he rummaged through the closet.
	"Shut the hell up," I laughed. "Don't you remember? You borrowed it
and never brought it back."
	"Oh that's right! It is pretty sassy you know...low cut, hip
hugging...do you have any heels to go with it?"
	"If I did they'd be digging into your ass right about now. Hurry up
and pick something wearable."
	"Ooooh kinky, we'll have to buy you some," he said with a laugh.
	He finally grabbed a pair of dark jeans and a button up, polo type
shirt that he thought would be acceptable. I stood up and started to change
while he sat on the bed.
	"So what happened when I left last night?" he asked, looking down
at the bedspread.
	"That's the same thing I was asking myself when I woke up next to
Justin in bed this morning," I replied, smiling.
	"You what? You fucked him?" he asked, suddenly not sounding very
excited for me. I thought I detected a hint of anger in his voice.
	"No, I didn't fuck him. Don't get your panties in a bunch." I
finished putting on my outfit and looked in the mirror, Justin was bound to
be over within a few minutes.
	"Oh, you're saving that for tonight right?" he asked coldly, still
staring at the bedspread.
	"I didn't say that," I replied, confused by the icy tone in his
voice. "What the fuck is your problem?" I turned and looked at him as he
stood up from the bed.
	"Nothing, I just don't want to see you get your heart broken by
straight boy."
	"I'm NOT going to get my heart broken," I snapped back. "And you
can stop calling him straight boy, that's not the role he's playing
anymore."
	"OH I forgot, that was LAST week. How do you know he's not just
confused?" Brad asked. "And that he won't fuck you and dump you once he's
had his dick of the moment?"
	"Fuck off. Justin's not like that, he knows what he wants," I
replied, my voice rising as I moved closer to him.
	"If you say so. He certainly seemed to know what he wanted last
night when he had his head in your lap."
	"Why the fuck are you saying all this?!" I yelled, the anger
rushing through me. "Stop getting Justin confused with yourself, he's not
the one who fucks guys and then leaves them in the morning."
	"Right. We'll see about that when you're walking bowlegged tomorrow
and you come crying to me cause Justin kicked you out of his car
afterwards," he replied, still not raising his voice.
	Suddenly I heard a honk outside my window, Justin had finally shown
up.
	"Fuck you Brad," I said, staring him down. I was easily within the
distance to throw a good punch, but I wasn't going to let it escalate to
that. "I'm getting the hell out of here."
	I turned and walked out of my bedroom, leaving him standing there
as I tried to calm myself down. What an asshole, I thought to myself as I
opened the front door and bounded out to Justin's car. He was supposed to
be my friend, supporting me, and then he pulls shit like this five minutes
before my date. Fuck him, I was going to have a good time anyway.
	I opened the car door and hopped in the passenger's side, saying hi
to Justin and trying to muster a smile as we drove off into the night.

	The main part of the date went pretty smoothly. Justin and I went
out to dinner first, where I was required to tease him mercilessly for
ordering practically everything on the menu. Brad always said I was a bad
eater, but Justin literally inhaled his food. He certainly didn't look it
though, so he must have had some killer workout regimen.
	After dinner we headed to a late movie, and I tried my best the
entire time I was with him to just clear my mind, focus on the moment, and
have a good time. It wasn't working. All I could think about was Brad...why
had he suddenly bust out with all of those comments five minutes before my
date? I couldn't figure out his reasoning and it was ready to drive me
crazy. He had a look in his eyes when he was saying those
things...something I don't remember ever seeing in the years we'd known
each other. What was it?
	By the time the credits on the movie rolled it was at least one in
the morning, and Justin said he wanted to swing by and drop something off
at his house before he took me home. I happily obliged, still off in my own
world, though Justin didn't seem to notice. I finally snapped back to
reality when he stopped the car in front of his house a few moments later.
	"Did you want to come in?" he asked, giving me a smile. "Mom and
dad are asleep, I can give you a personal tour of the place if you want."
	In the brief moment before I answered, all of Brad's warnings raced
through my mind. Wanting me to come in...mom and dad were asleep...personal
tour? What the fuck I thought, it's not like he's going to rape me.
	"Sure, sounds good to me."
	We hopped out of the car and walked in the dark to Justin's front
door, which he unlocked and opened, inviting me inside. It was definitely a
nice place, and all of the furnishings made me wonder what kind of jobs his
parents must have held. I followed Justin as he walked down the hallway,
whispering to me to be quiet since his parents were sleeping in one of the
rooms.
	"This is my bedroom," he said as he walked in, turning the light
on. The room was nice...queen size bed, lots of posters and decorations on
the walls, and actually rather clean for a teenager's room.
	I took a seat on the bed as Justin closed the door behind me,
locking it. He emptied some things out of his pants pockets before coming
and sitting next to me.
	"Is that the entire personal tour?" I asked, making
conversation. "One room?"
	"Well no, there's this too."
	He suddenly leaned close to me, giving me a quick kiss on the lips
before pulling away again to see my reaction. I was too stunned to move a
muscle, which I guess he viewed as a positive sign. He leaned in again,
more slowly this time, pressing his lips against mine. My mouth opened and
I could feel his tongue probing inside me, touching my own as I kissed him
back. He pulled away again.
	"Wow," I said, the initial shock wearing off.
	"My thoughts exactly."
	He moved close to me, his lips pressing harder against mine as he
pressed me down on my back on the bed. His body moved on top of mine
quickly, pressing me down. I could feel his crotch against my own as we
laid there, my hands on his back while we made out. Without warning I
suddenly felt his hands go below my waist, rubbing the bulge in my pants. I
moaned in pleasure, but what I felt in my mind was a different story.
	"I've been wanting this for so long," he moaned as both of his
hands went to my waist. I suddenly felt him unsnap my jeans, and with one
quick move he had a hand inside my boxers. I couldn't believe this was
happening.
	"Justin wait," I muttered, trying to move him off me.
	"Wait for what?" he asked, wrapping his hand around my cock as he
kissed my neck slowly.
	"Just STOP," I said seriously, lifting him off me and moving out
from under him. I sat up on the bed, quickly buttoning my pants back up.
	"What are you doing?" he asked. "What's your problem?"
	"Nothing, I just can't do this."
	"Why not?" he snapped, suddenly sounding angry.
	"I don't know WHY, I just can't. It's our first date you know."
What was I saying? I couldn't believe that something I had dreamed about
for over a year suddenly felt so wrong.
	"Our first date?" he replied, letting out a laugh. "You've been
begging for this in your mind since we first met, and now you're going to
blow your chance?"
	"I guess if this is the only chance I'll get, then yes, I'm blowing
it."
	"Whatever," he muttered, sounding upset as he stood up and grabbed
his car keys. "Come on, I'll take you home."

	We rode the distance to my house in silence, a million different
thoughts running through my mind. Why had I stopped him? It wasn't what
Brad had said, though now I wonder if he actually was right. I doubted that
Justin would be interested in another date now that I wouldn't put out on
the first one. But still, why hadn't I just gone for it? Something was
plaguing my mind. It was that look in Brad's eyes, it was the only thing I
could see.
	The car came to a stop in front of my house, and Justin barely gave
me a glance as I hopped out and said goodbye. Once I slammed the door he
sped off without hesitation.
	"Thanks asshole," I whispered to myself as I walked up the lawn and
to my front door. I was definitely going to have to go to Brad's house in
the morning, try to get past our argument, and figure out what the hell was
going on between us. I certainly wasn't going to stay pissed at my best
friend when I only had a couple months left in town.
	I walked in to my bedroom, closing the door and collapsing on my
bed. I felt like a tornado of emotions was running through my
body. Confusion was a big one. Not only was I confused as to why I had
rejected Justin, I was also wondering why I didn't CARE that he might never
want to go out with me again. I had wanted this for so long, and now that I
had it, I was ready to throw it back. I wanted something else.
	But that was going to have to wait until later. I closed my eyes,
drifting into total blackness as the thoughts drained from my body and I
fell asleep.

Part 8

	"Ryan," I whispered in my drunken state, "Open the window, boy."

 	I was standing outside his bedroom window, bottle of vodka in hand.
I was barely able to hold myself up, even with the side of the house
helping.  Actually, I didn't know if the house was holding me up or I was
holding the house up at that point.  I laid against the side of the house
and reached over my shoulder to tap on the window again.

	"Knock, Knock."  I laughed.

	Finally, a light came on inside, blinding me.  I heard the creaking
of bedsprings as I took the cap off the bottle of vodka and took another
healthy chug as I heard footsteps from inside approaching the window.  Just
as the window was opening, I was capping the bottle again.

	"Brad?!?  What are you doing out there?"  Ryan leaned out the
window and looked at me.
	"Holding the house up."  I busted out laughing and stood up.
	"Well, I see that.  But, what are you doing outside my window at
three in the morning?"
	"I'm really drunk, help me up."  I replied as I held my hand out,
prepared to go in through the window.
	"Good lord, boy."  Ryan giggled.
	"Here we go."  I laughed loudly as Ryan practically dragged me
through the window with little or no effort on my part.
	"Damn, you're a load."
	"Gotta drain the hollow leg and I'll be fine."  I snickered as I
stood, and fell back over.
	"You don't need me to hold it for you, do ya'?"  Ryan laughed.
	"No, although the prospect isn't totally devoid of consideration."
I grinned evily as I finally stood on my own.
	"Don't kill yourself on the way to the restroom."  Ryan laughed as
I left his room and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

	I did my business, barely able to hold myself up and still hit the
toilet.  When I was finished, I stumbled back down the hall to Ryan's room.
I walked in and slowly closed the door behind me, with a giggle.  Ryan just
gave me a smile as I walked over and sat down on the floor in front of his
bed.  I grabbed the vodka bottle I had just dropped and took a healthy
swig.

	"Hold up there, Chief."  Ryan laughed and slid off the bed to sit
beside me.
	
	He promptly yanked the bottle out from between my lips and capped
it.

	"What?"  I asked, cross-eyed.
	"I don't think you're gonna get much drunker."  He smiled as I sat
there, trying to decide which of the three was him.
	"Well, there's always puking and passing out."  I laughed and tried
to wrestle the bottle away.
	"Boy, I said no."  Ryan laughed and pushed me, making me fall back.
	"Ouch, you bastard."  I laughed as I slammed my head into the
floor.
 	"That's a good boy, lay down."
	"Nope, I want to get up."  I stood quickly, almost falling back
over.
	"Maybe it's best that you stay where you are."  Ryan teased.
	"It probably is, but why be logical?"  I smiled down at him as I
walked over to his dresser.

	I looked at the little knick knacks he had thrown pretty much into
a clutter along with a rogue Sugar Ray CD that were on his dresser.

	"So, did you get any from straight-boy?"  I asked, not really
wanting to know.
	"No, but let's not talk about it."  Ryan stared down at the bottle
in his hands as I stood there.
	"Why not?"
	"Thanks for not talking about it."  Ryan laughed.
	"Sorry.  I'm just a tit bad drunk."  I exaggerated.
	"Yeah, I see that."
	"So, what DID happen?"  I asked as I walked over to his desk where
his computer was and almost fell over.
	"You break it you bought it."  Ryan warned.  "Nothing really,
Justin just tried to fuck me, I didn't want to fuck him."
	"Oh."
	"Oh?  That's it?"  Ryan laughed.
	
	I looked down and spotted a picture frame sitting next to his
computer monitor.  Inside was one of those strips of pictures from a photo
booth we had gone into at the carnival the summer before senior year.  In
the bottom pic, I saw that it was Ryan looking straight forward into the
camera with a goofy smile, while I seemed to be fixated on staring at him.
	I picked up the frame and stared at it long and hard before looking
up to see Ryan looking at me funny.  I carried the frame with me over to
where Ryan was sitting and hopped a squat beside him.  I looked at the
picture long and hard again before handing it to him so he could examine
it.  As soon as he took the picture, I snatched the bottle away from him
and took a quick drink before he could object.

	"That was..." Ryan started.
	"The summer before senior year."  I finished.
	"Right."  Ryan looked over at me and smiled.

	For some reason, the smile meant something besides the obvious to
me.  It was like a transcendion of feelings between us.

	"You know," I stood and walked over to his CD's, pretending to
inspect them, "when you first told me you were gay?"
	"Yeah?"  Ryan answered, laying the picture on the floor.
	"Well, I sorta thought then that you and I would end up as more
than friends."  I replied.
	"Well, I did, too."
	"Yeah, but I was hoping for it, too."
	"Maybe you shouldn't get into this while you're drunk?" Ryan looked
embarrassed.
	"Well, I won't tell you when I'm sober, so yeah."
	"Alright."  Ryan was blushing, but smiling.
	"I always thought of you sorta like my boyfriend, even when I was
dating other people.  I mean, I knew you were there to protect me when I
needed it.  You were there to support me when I made a decision.  You were
there for a shoulder to cry on. Pretty much all the boyfriend things I was
looking for, I guess."  I spoke slowly.
	"Brad, don't."  Ryan interjected.
	"Why not?"  I turned around.
	"I don't want you to tell me this when I know you'll regret it."
Ryan explained.
	"Well, I'll regret it if I don't."  I walked over and knelt in
front of Ryan, bringing us eye to eye.
	"What?"  Ryan looked uncomfortable.
	"This."  I stated as I leaned forward and kissed him.
	
	Ryan jerked away for a minute, then started to return my kiss.
Slowly, he reached up and grabbed the back of my head.  Suddenly, he
slipped his tongue into my mouth, kissing me deeper.  I straddled his waist
as I wrapped my arms around his neck.  Ryan slowly started to rub my back
as I kissed him, when all of the sudden, everything started spinning.  The
last thing I remember was hitting my head on the floor, laughing, then
passing out.
	

	When I woke up in the morning, well early afternoon to be exact, I
was in bed with Ryan.  His arm was draped over my chest and I was on my
back, looking up at the ceiling.  I could barely remember anything that
happened, besides crawling through the window.  I lifted the covers
slightly to see I only had my boxer-briefs on and nothing else.  Of course,
the worst possible scenario came to mind.
	I started to think all sorts of sordid things as I realized I was
really hung over.  I didn't know if I needed to puke or pass back out.
Then it came to me.  Oh God, I hadn't done it had I?  Hopefully it was all
a dream.  Did I really profess my true feelings for him?  Had I really
KISSED him?  I just prayed that that was all that had happened.  I slowly
slid out of the bed, trying not to wake Ryan or pass out from the pounding
in my head.
	As soon as I was out of the bed, I slid my jeans on quickly and
yanked my shirt on.  My head was pounding the whole time, especially when I
looked down and saw the vodka bottle with just a swallow left in it.  It
was pure agony trying to focus enough to tie my shoes, but I managed to do
it.  I slowly left his room, noticing that his mother had already left for
work, thank goodness.
	I practically ran across the street to my house.  My mother asked
me where I had been as I ran up the stairs, the tears already streaming
down my face.  I fell face first onto my bed, smothering my face in the
blanket.  I had been sobbing for what seemed like hours when the phone
rang.  I was almost afraid to pick it up, fearing that it was Ryan calling
me.  Regardless, I picked up the receiver.

	"Hello?"  I sniffled.
	"Brad?  It's me."  Jason replied.
	"What do you want?"  I sobbed.
	"What's wrong?"  Jason sounded compassionate, which I hated.
	"Fuck off Jason!"  I screamed and slammed the phone down.

	What had I done?  What if he hated me now?

Part 9

	I woke up late the morning after Brad had showed up at my window,
sometime in the mid afternoon. I rolled over to see that he had already
gone...his clothes had disappeared and all that was left was the near empty
vodka bottle from the night before. I kept running over what had happened
in my mind, trying to make sense of it as I sat up in bed.
	Brad had kissed me last night, and I had kissed him back. It was
such a surreal experience, one of those events I had never really pictured
happening. Of course he had passed out immediately afterwards, leaving me
to undress him and heave him into bed to sleep off his drunkenness. Would
he even remember all that he said? If he did, I knew he'd be regretting it
now that the alcohol had worn off.
	I was thankful I had the day off from work, which I certainly
needed after the events of the previous evening. First there was the big
fight with Brad, then the date that went wrong with Justin, followed by
Brad pouring his feelings out for me a few hours later. I knew I needed to
talk to him, but I was going to stay out of his way for a day or so and
allow this big event to blow over.
	I spent most of my day off at home in my bedroom, thinking,
thinking, and then thinking some more. I ran over Brad's words in my head,
how he had said that he had always thought of me as a boyfriend. Then I ran
over my date with Justin, trying to comprehend why I suddenly wanted to
turn down something I had been dreaming about for so long. Why was it that
I always chased unattainable men, while Brad always ended his relationships
the instant they got too serious? Was it because we were both avoiding the
reality of what we really wanted all along?
	My thoughts were suddenly interrupted as the phone rang, causing me
to jump halfway off the bed. I was hoping it would be Brad.
	"Hello?" I said, picking up the receiver.
	"Hey Ryan," Justin replied on the other end.
	"Oh hey Justin." I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice.
	"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked, sounding a little more
down than usual.
	"Sure. What's up?"
	"I wanted to apologize for last night, I was such an asshole. I can
understand that you didn't want to go that far on the first date, and I
didn't want it to seem like I was using you for that or anything." He
sighed, hesitating for a moment. "I had a really good time."
	"So did I," I replied, my mind a million miles from the problem
Justin was agonizing over. "Apology accepted."
	"Good," he said, suddenly sounding more like his usual upbeat
self. "So let me make it up to you tomorrow night, after work. We can go
out to dinner or something, I'll pay and pick you up. I owe it to you."
	I thought about it for a moment, trying to decide if it was
something I really wanted to do. I really didn't think I should see Justin
again before I talked to Brad, but I guess going out to dinner with him
wouldn't hurt.
	"Ryan, you there?" he asked.
	"Yeah," I said, snapping back to reality. "It sounds fun, tomorrow
is fine."
	"Cool. Then I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow."
	"Yep, see ya then."
	"Bye."
	"Bye," I replied, hanging up the phone.

	I checked the clock a few moments later, realizing it was nearing
nine in the evening. I felt like going to bed early, before I overworked my
brain anymore than I already had. I stripped down to my boxers and shut my
light off, crawling under the covers. On the wall to my left I could see my
Backstreet Boys calendar slightly lit from the moonlight. I had less than
two months before I was leaving for college. Madison, Wisconsin, here I
come.

	
	The next day at work went by without a hitch, though I couldn't
stop thinking of the fact that I still hadn't heard from Brad. We couldn't
avoid each other forever, so I knew that I'd have to head to his house in
the morning, after the big date with Justin.
	I waited my tables in a daze, giving the customers the smile and
nod routine while my mind was occupied elsewhere throughout the day. I
talked to Justin a bit, and he asked if I would once again need an hour to
get ready after my day ended. I told him that thirty minutes would suffice
this time, and then gave him a smack on the arm for calling me a "slow old
queen". I told him he'd better be careful or we'd have to have another
parking lot rumble, and THIS time I'd be ready.
	I went home after my long day, quickly going into my room and
picking out an outfit that looked decent. I changed quickly, not really
caring if I looked that great. We were certainly way past the first
impression. About ten minutes later I heard a honk outside my window, and I
quickly flipped my light off and left my room. I was going to say goodbye
to mom, but of course she was already passed out on her bed. I should have
known, it WAS past sunset after all.
	I did one last check in the mirror, content that I looked good
enough. My thoughts about talking to Brad were eating away at me on the
inside. I really didn't want to wait until tomorrow, but I knew I'd be home
too late tonight, and it probably would be best to let some more time
pass. Still, it wasn't easing my mind any.
	I walked out the front door and waved to Justin, who was sitting in
the car letting it run. I glanced across the street, noticing that Brad's
car was in his driveway, and that the light was on in his upstairs
window. He was home...he was right in there, thinking about all sorts of
things, probably driving himself as crazy as I was. I opened the passenger
side door of Justin's car, looking inside.
	"So are you gonna stand out there all night or hop in?" Justin
asked with a smile.
	"I can't," I blurted, not realizing what I had said until after it
had come out.
	"You can't what?" His smile faded quickly.
	"I can't go out with you tonight, I'm sorry. Something came up."
	"Are you still mad at me about the other night?" he asked, sounding
concerned.
	"No, that's not it."
	"Does it have to do with Brad?"
	"Huh?" I couldn't hide the look of surprise on my face after I
heard his question.
	"I thought so. You two guys have something going on right?" I could
hear the disappointment in his voice.
	"No," I replied quickly. "Well I mean," I hesitated for a
moment. "I don't know."
	"It's okay, I can tell. I could just see it between you guys. But I
understand, it's cool."
	"I'm sorry," I muttered, stepping another step away from the
car. He could tell?
	"No problem," Justin mustered a smile. "We can still be friends
right?"
	"Of course. Once a guy has touched my dick I like to keep in
contact with him," I laughed.
	"Good plan," Justin laughed. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."
	"See ya Justin." I shut the car door and watched as he drove off
down the street, turning the corner. I looked up at Brad's window, walking
across the street to his house.
	I stood in front of the door for at least a minute before gaining
the courage to knock. What was I going to say to him? Or even worse, what
if he had Jason over or something? I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and
knocked on the door. A moment later Brad's mom answered, looking ecstatic
to see me.
	"Ryan!" she screamed as she saw me standing there. "How nice to see
you again."
	"You too," I smiled as I walked into the front room. "Is Brad
home?"
	"Right upstairs, you know the way," she said, still sounding
thrilled that I was there.
	"Thanks." I smiled again before bounding up the stairs and coming
face to face with Brad's door. Once again I had knocking anxiety, but I
quickly let it pass and rapped on the door.
	"Brad's dead mom, I'm busy burying him in the backyard. Come back
in ten minutes," I heard Brad say.
	I opened the door and stepped inside, seeing him sitting on his
bed.
	"Is he in bits and pieces or is it a clean corpse?"
	"Oh hey Ryan," he said, sounding surprised as I stepped in and
closed the door behind me.
	I walked in slowly as I heard the song "Doll Parts" blasting out of
the stereo. I walked over to it and hit the stop button, leaving the room
silent.
	"This Hole CD will be destroyed the way you go," I said,
smiling. We both felt slightly uncomfortable in each other's presence.
	"Yeah I know, I'll probably have to buy a new one soon. What are
you all dressed up for?"
	"Hot date, you know, the usual." I walked over and sat down on the
bed next to him. "Justin asked me to go out with him again tonight."
	"Oh, that's cool," he muttered, his voice not sounding at all
excited. "Did you go yet?"
	"No." I hesitated for a moment. "He came to pick me up, but I told
him I couldn't go out with him."
	"Why?" Brad asked, confusion in his voice.
	"He's just not what I want. I thought I loved him once...like
REALLY loved him, but he just has too many flaws." I looked down at my
hands, which were rubbing together from my nervousness.
	"Like what?" Brad asked, sounding surprised. "He's all you've
talked about for like a year now."
	"I know. But he just has one big, stand out, glaring thing that I
CANNOT get over, no matter how hard I try."
	"What is it?" he asked, looking at me.
	"He's not you." I looked up, my eyes meeting his as my hands
continued their nerve induced twitching.
	Brad sat there in shock for a moment, just staring at me. Our eyes
locked like that for what seemed like an eternity.
	"I don't know what to say," he whispered.
	"You don't have to say anything."
	"Yeah I do. I'm sorry for leaving the other morning, but I thought
you'd hate me after what I told you."
	"I was definitely surprised, but I would never hate you." I stood
up off the bed, pacing back and forth in front of it. "I have to tell you
something, and I can't do it sitting down because I'm just so fucking
nervous right now."
	"Might as well spill it," he said, his eyes following me. "Just
don't walk in circles or I'll get dizzy."
	"Okay," I laughed. "I love you Brad. And I don't just mean love you
like a brother, or like a best friend, but I really LOVE you. I don't know
why it took me so long to figure it out, I'm an idiot." I continued my
pacing, wringing my hands together as I kept eye contact with him. "I want
to spend every waking moment with you, and I want to make you so happy that
you never have to listen to Hole again unless it's to worship Courtney." I
stopped and sat back down. "That's it I guess."
	"I love you too," he said, smiling at me. "I never knew how to say
it before, but I mean it."
	I suddenly felt a wave of relief pass over my body and a smile
beamed on to my face. I was speechless, lost in the middle of the most
amazing feeling I had ever experienced. I leaned toward him slowly, our
eyes still locked as our lips met. I felt his tongue slowly push into my
mouth as my hands began roaming along his back. I helped lean him down on
the bed as I laid my body on top of his. Finally our kiss broke.
	"This is a lot of fun when you don't pass out afterwards," I said
with a laugh. I slowly started grinding my body against his own.
	"Want to make it more fun?" he grinned evilly.
	"I do think it's about time." I smiled, running my hands through
his hair as I leaned down to kiss him again.

	We must have made love at least three times that night, like a
couple of kids who had just discovered something completely new. Both of us
had slept with guys before, but it was nothing compared to the feelings I
experienced that night. It was like we were one, our bodies, minds, and
souls locked together at the same time. I woke up late the next morning and
rolled over to see Brad looking at me, smiling.
	
	"You're a sight for sore eyes," he whispered as he laid his head
close to mine.
	"You just saw me last night," I laughed. "You weren't drunk again
were you?"
	"Thank god no, I would have hated to forget last night."
	"There will be plenty more nights like that one," I said, leaning
close and kissing him on the lips.
	"Or maybe only two months more," he said, looking at me seriously.
	"Not necessarily," I replied, thoughts running through my mind as I
laid there naked next to him. "I'm not going to let you get away that
easily. Not after it took me ten years of knowing you to figure out where I
belong."
	"So what are you saying?" he asked, propping his head up on one
hand.
	"You can come with me. We can get out of here together, escape our
families, start our own life somewhere completely different."
	"Nice idea, but I'm not the one with the scholarship," he replied.
	"Your family is loaded Brad, and you KNOW your mom would pay for it
if you asked her nicely."
	"Nicely? Oh now you're asking WAY too much," he said with a laugh.
	"Come on, do it for me." I gave him the best lost puppy dog look I
could muster.
	"Okay, you win. Now stop looking at me like that," he laughed.
	"Besides, if you don't come with me they'll probably throw me in a
dorm with the hottest, straightest guy on campus and I'll go insane," I
laughed.
	"We can't let that happen. No more straight men for you."
	"I won't need them anymore. And no more stalkers for you." I joked,
putting my hand on his shoulder.
	"Oh lord, you mean Jason? That freak still thinks he's in love with
me." Brad rolled his eyes, pulling me close to him as I rested my head on
his shoulder.
	"I know, talk about bad taste," I laughed.
	"Oh, fuck you," he joked, pulling me closer.
	"Maybe later, but we have to get out of bed SOMETIME."
	"Not yet though. I'm going back to sleep, care to join me?"
	"My pleasure."
	I lifted my face up and gave Brad a kiss on the lips before resting
my head again on his chest. I could hear the sounds of his breathing as I
closed my eyes and began to drift off to sleep. My head rose with each
breath he took, my body falling further out of reality as my arm tightened
around him. And then...darkness.

THE END