Adam and the Alien
You're a manipulative bastard, Adam said, not without
resentment. He was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking his
morning tea. Brian had left an hour earlier. By and large, he had
enjoyed his evening with Brian — his resentment was entirely
directed at the alien.
Strictly speaking, the wordbastardis not applicable to an asexual species.
Fine then, Adam said, sipping his tea,
manipulative git! He looked out the window, and
followed a cloud with his gaze. The alien slowly pulled back his
You were telling me that I would never again have sex,
and at the same time telling Brian that we would have sex
again in no time. You told me that your sexual features
had grown away, and that this might not even work, but apparently
that wasn't a problem at all when talking to Brian! Now the
alien was slowly sliding his foreskin back up.
I may have exaggerated slightly, but fact is that if it weren't for Brian you wouldn't ever have an erection again, my sexual features would grow away, and I am unable to accommodate any erections if I don't feel sexual about you, which I didn't at the time.
You lied to me, Adam said, as the slow masturbation
continued and Adam's penis grew harder.
Not really. All I said was basically true. I just kept it quiet that going back to Brian would give you your sexual life back. You're a smart guy, you were bound to figure that out yourself anyway.
You could have told me, Adam persisted. He was rock hard now.
And how would you have felt then? Compare the two scenarios: Either you figure it out yourself, begging me and Brian for sex again. The request is granted. How do you feel? Or take the other scenario: After having ditched Brian, I tell you in no uncertain terms that you need to go back to Brian or be denied sex forever. You grudgingly consent.
In which scenario is sex with Brian a wonderful victory? In which scenario is sex with Brian an ignominious defeat? Which scenario fuels your daydreams with thoughts about sex with wonderful Brian, and which scenario leaves you with nothing but bitterness and resentment towards him?
I withheld one little detail, all in your best interests. You should be thanking me.
The alien was now sticking something into his piss slit.
Hey, stop that! Adam exclaimed. The alien withdrew.
opening Brian used to fuck me, or fuck you, what was that? he
That's my mouth! It's coming along nicely, don't you think?
The alien was once again going back into his urethra.
Stop it, I say! Adam exclaimed, balling his fist. The alien
But I thought you had your mouth, you know... on
the inside. I thought you got all your... food... from me. He
still didn't feel entirely comfortable with the thought that the
alien was a coprophagous species.
Oh, but it's not for eating. It's for making sounds!
Hhhp! Hhhp! Shhhp! ♬♫♩ the alien
said excitedly. Then it went back into his urethra.
Will. You. Get. Out. Of. There! Adam said, lightly pounding
the table with his fist between words. The alien withdrew
So... You will be able to speak using this mouth?
Eventually, yes. For now, I may have to content myself with whistling.
And whistling along happily, it once again started working its way into his urethra — deeper, and deeper, and deeper...
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Adam squealed. The alien
Why are you doing that? Adam asked,
Well, if I go into the urethra, I can imbibe urine directly from the bladder, and I can block the ejaculatory ducts, so that you can get an orgasm without getting any real relief. No cumming, woohoo!
Now, stop interrupting me.
And with that, the alien went back in.
Adam was back at work. It was just after noon, and though he should really have been at his office early that morning, he felt entirely justified in coming in late. He had after all not only worked on his vacation, but he had made what he thought was a major breakthrough. He started up his computer, and had only just started writing up the paper that would revolutionise the field of superconductivity, when his supervisor, Christopher, barged into the room.
What is this supposed to mean? Christopher asked angrily,
and Adam felt his heart sink. So much for revolutionising the
After all I have done for you? Christopher leaned in,
so he was inches from Adam's face, and said very clearly,
What? Adam said.
I know that. Something was wrong,
but he didn't understand what it was. Then the alien display
Christopher, said Christopher,
not Chris, as you
indeed would know by now.
I sent off a message to Christopher to tell him to meet you about now to discuss your latest results. I thought, since you were on first name basis...
Christopher was not paying the display any attention, and Adam tried to check it discreetly. Christopher was evidently interpreting the use of the name Chris as an act of rebellion on Adam's part, and was now going on about what might have provoked such an act of rebellion and what consequences it might have, overanalysing the entire thing. Perhaps Adam didn't want to work with him anymore? Perhaps he should get himself another PhD student to replace Adam?
No, no, I'm sorry, I forgot! Adam tried.
I didn't mean
A minute or two later, after lots of excuses and flattery from Adam, Christopher had calmed down. He usually had a very mild temper, but for some reason, this particular thing got him really worked up. Perhaps some event in his childhood, Adam thought.
Adam was a bit upset with the alien too, for communicating with other people in his name, and not even getting it right. But alas, he couldn't openly fight with the alien now, because Christopher was now coming around to discussing physics with him.
You see, Christopher said, in a much friendlier
you have some interesting ideas, but there is
unfortunately a theorem which forbids it all. The Davenlöf
theorem. It says that–
I'm familiar with the Davenlöf theorem, Adam said.
not a problem.
You don't see how it forbids your superconductor?
Oh yes, I can see that it forbids it. Adam was happy the
alien had gone through the Internet looking for any applicable no-go
theorems and explained them to him.
But the Davenlöf theorem is
not actually correct.
You're... you're contradicting the Davenlöf theorem?
Christopher asked incredulously and not without concern in his
Yes, Adam said.
It is making some unstated
assumptions. The problem is that, since the limits are not
You're seriously questioning the Davenlöf
Yes, Adam said.
We can't publish that. The Davenlöf theorem is a well
established theorem. In fact, Dr. Davenlöf himself is on the
Nobel committee in Sweden. A PhD student isn't going to prove
Dr. Davenlöf wrong, not on this one, no — and
Dr. Davenlöf isn't going to take kindly to the opposition
either. You'd be slaughtered. And though Dr. Davenlöf is not
on every funding committee, you have to realise that this
is a well established theorem. You'll be written off as a
nutter before you even open your mouth.
Adam and the alien bristled as they heard this — the alien literally so. Suddenly, it was as though the inside of the alien was covered in a short, coarse fur. It wasn't very comfortable.
I thought, Adam said with barely suppressed anger,
science was all about the ideas, and not about the
Of course, of course, said Christopher.
But the odds that
you are right... It will have to be a very good argument, and even
then... Are you willing to put your career at risk?
Yes, Adam said emphatically.
Well... Christopher said.
Tell you what: Write a section
on the Davenlöf theorem that we can include in the
paper. Then, I'll send a copy over to Dr. Davenlöf himself, and he
can explain to you why you're wrong. I'm not sure I could do that
myself. And, he added, seeing Adam's facial expression,
it turns out you're right, we'll have Dr. Davenlöf himself write a
section about it and join us as coauthor. The best man to
contradict the Davenlöf theorem is undoubtedly Dr. Davenlöf
himself, and your career would get a flying start. What do you
say? I'll start by forwarding your ideas to Dr. Davenlöf and
Three short squeezes of the testicles. S. The alien was signalling Stop!
No, Adam said.
No, Dr. Davenlöf can read the paper
once it is published. The alien licked his dick
approvingly. Adam didn't quite understand why the alien was turning
Christopher's proposal down. It did sound rather good. Having
Dr. Davenlöf as a coauthor would be so cool, but he was going to
trust the alien on this.
When he got home, he was happy to see Brian standing there waiting for him.
Oh, hello Brian! Adam said.
I didn't know you were
coming. He fumbled with his keys.
Have you been waiting long? he asked as he opened the
No, said Brian.
I knew when you would be here. He
went inside, after Adam.
Huh? Adam said. Brian pushed him up against the wall, and
Thanks to the alien. He was running his hands up and down
Adam's body, and when Brian touched the alien, it licked Adam's
I've been keeping myself informed of your every move. I
know where you are, what you are doing and when you will go
somewhere else. I just have to visit a website your alien has set
A... A website? Adam asked.
Not a public website, I
hope? Now Brian's hands had found his nipples.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? said Brian, tweaking and
pinching. Adam's dick grew a little harder.
No, not a public
website. At least not yet.
Shall we... shall we go to the bedroom? Adam asked. He
wanted to unwrap more of his toys, which the alien still wasn't
letting him see.
No time, sorry, said Brian.
I'll have to go soon. I'll
be out of town for a few days. He leaned in and kissed
But before I go, Brian continued,
I just wanted to say
goodbye to you, and tell you that I think you'd look great with a
nipple piercing or two. At this, his grip on Adam's nipples
A... A piercing? Adam asked. The alien suddenly went from
feeling soft and fleshy, to feeling more like sandpaper.
Yes, Brian said.
A piercing, or two. Let's start with
one. When I come back I expect you to have a nipple piercing.
He leaned in and kissed Adam again.
Otherwise, your colleagues
may find an interesting little porno clip in their inboxes next
No! Adam exclaimed.
You can't deny you like the idea, Brian said, looking him
deep in the eyes, and giving him a brief peck on the lips. Adam
couldn't deny it, his dick was straining against its alien
See you, pretty boy, Brian said, and left.
Adam sighed. He hadn't planned on getting any piercings. He touched one of his nipples tentatively. It was still a bit sore from Brian's tweaking. He wondered what it would be like. The alien display beeped.
There will be no piercings.
But, but... Adam spluttered.
You heard what Brian
There will be no piercings.
But he'll spread my masturbation video!
It is not a problem.
It is a problem! Adam protested. After all, the
video would not only out him as gay, it also showed him enjoying
some BDSM images he'd rather keep for himself.
Don't worry about it.
The alien gave his balls two long squeezes, one short, and then one long again. That, he knew, was the signal ordering him to be quiet — or else!
It was the first time that Brian and the alien gave contradictory orders, and despite the alien's reassurances, Adam found this development quite worrisome. He couldn't really disobey Brian — Brian could seriously damage his career. And he really couldn't disobey the alien either. He would have to talk to them, reconcile their differences. But how to do that when he wasn't allowed to speak...
Dr. Davenlöf did a lot of travelling. The Nobel committee is often criticised for giving the Nobel Prize to the wrong people, failing to acknowledge important contributions and overstating others. Dr. Davenlöf's way of combating this impression was to visit all notable scientists and scientific institutions and make sure that, at least when it comes to physics, he had a good idea of what everyone was doing. Somehow, he always seemed to get his name on a paper or two during his tours of the world, strengthening his own scientific credentials in the process. It so happened that he was in the country when Adam came back from his vacation, as Adam would soon find out.
His office door was thrown open with a bang, and there stood Dr. Davenlöf himself.
I hear you are contradicting the Davenlöf theorem, he said
by way of introduction.
Yes, Adam said.
He pulled up a chair and sat down, facing Adam.
Tell me all about it, Dr. Davenlöf said.
You can read all about it once the paper is published, Adam
said. The alien licked his cock approvingly.
Don't be silly. I'm making you a good offer here. I tell you
where you go wrong now, and you're spared a public
No, thanks, said Adam. A thin gooey something went up his
ass, lightly tapping his prostate.
You can still write your paper, you know, Dr. Davenlöf said
Just make it a paper about
why this and
that doesn't work, crediting the Davenlöf theorem. I know
that it can be difficult to understand the theorem, but I'm
here to help.
The alien bristled again. Apparently it didn't like Dr. Davenlöf. Though it was uncomfortable when it did that, Adam couldn't really blame it.
Yeah, but what if I'm right? Adam said, in a rather
confrontational tone. The alien was now sliding his foreskin up and
down. Adam was thoroughly enjoying turning Dr. Davenlöf down.
In that case, Dr. Davenlöf said, in a patient and
we can always do like Christopher
suggested. I write something about it and join you as coauthor. If
you're wrong, you're spared the embarrassment. If you're right you
get instant recognition.
Sorry, not interested, Adam said, with a wide, wicked grin,
that had more to do with what the alien was doing at the time than
it had with the conversation.
Din lilla skitunge! Dr. Davenlöf
exclaimed in Swedish, frustration written on every line of his
face. He leaned in and continued,
Don't think that you can pull
this off. Even if you're right. I'll tear your argument to shreds
in front of the whole world if I have to. A puny little PhD student
isn't going to prove the Davenlöf theorem wrong.
Ouch! Adam said angrily. It felt as though his
urethra was on fire, as the alien reacted to this nastier tone of
Well, he continued, in barely suppressed
someone doesn't quite agree with you.
Look, Dr. Davenlöf said, visibly regretting his
whoever told you that this is a good idea clearly has
no idea what he is talking about. Either that, or he's into public
humiliation. My offer stands, he said as he got up to
I know what I am doing, said Adam, feeling more than ever
that he had no idea what he was doing, but getting the alien's
approval all the same.
As he checked his e-mail before going to bed that day, he saw a message from Brian.
Got that piercing yet?