Chapter 1: Escape into another world
24th December 2003. Rewrite April 6th 2004.
The characters and plot in this story are copyrighted by the author. However the concept of 'The World' is not. I take no credit for this; the credit belongs to Bandai Entertainment who used the concept in the animation series .Hack//Sign, .Hack//Dusk and .Hack//Liminality. (Pronounced Dot Hack)
This is an explanation for those who have not watched any of .Hack//Sign:
"The World" is a popular massive multiplayer online role playing game (MMORPG) set in a fantastic universe of strange lands, monsters, treasure, and adventure. Players access the game by donning virtual reality headsets and connecting through the internet, assuming new identities as player characters (PCs) in "The World". Players have a choice of different "classes," or types of characters, each with their own abilities that determine how they appear to others and what items they can use in the game. Once inside this virtual universe, players are free to pursue their own goals, either adventuring by themselves or joining with others in parties. The most common place to visit is the dungeon, a set of subterranean caverns containing portals that reveal fierce creatures to be fought and treasures to be collected. As a player defeats these monsters, he/she gains experience and collects items in an effort to become more powerful, explore more dangerous areas and experience more of the game world. The system administrators also arrange periodic 'events' where players can participate in adventures not available in the regular game. Players can contact each other through email to arrange group excursions or simply chat and interact within "The World" in real time. (Taken from the Official Dot Hack Sign Site)
Hi! My name is Jim and I'm 14 and currently live in Northern Detroit. I'm not telling you exactly where because I'm sure some homophobes will want to find me and beat me up for telling this story. I will tell you what I look like though. I weigh around 115 pounds which is distributed along a thin yet lean 5' 7" frame. I have long brown hair that sometimes covers my blue eyes when I don't want it to so basically; I'm your run of the mill average 14 year old. All my life I've had family and other grown ups tell me how handsome or cute I was and I used to have girls falling all over me like I'm Brad Pitt. I never could figure out why they found me so attractive, maybe it was my hair or my eyes. Well, anyway, all of this changed about a year ago when my life was turned upside down in an instant. Now, people no longer talk to me, let alone tell me I'm cute! I'm literally spat on now by my peers and family and getting beaten up is now a part of my daily schedule. All because of a factor I can't control, I'm gay.
This unwanted orientation of mine has haunted me since I came to the realization that perving on other boys all the time actually meant that I was gay. It all started when I was twelve, my hormones were just starting to kick in and I was at the mall hanging out with my friends. I was just having fun until I noticed another guy walking past us. At first I didn't know why he grabbed my attention; all I knew was that I wanted to be his friend more than anything in the world. Then it hit me, a massive wave of horniness. I found myself checking out his face, his legs and his cute bubble butt! Thankfully I was broken from my trance by one of my friends who began to ask me a question because I was ready to walk over to him and plant a kiss on his sexy lips! As he walked away I felt a great sinking feeling in my stomach as I realized that I would probably never see him again. That night I cried myself to sleep trying to work out what the hell happened to me at the mall. It wasn't until about 3 weeks later that I finally came to terms with the fact that I was gay.
At first, I was so distraught I actually decided to go and see a priest. Being brought up in a Christian environment I was taught that when in doubt, talk to one of God's devout followers. He seemed nice and willing to help until I told him about myself, his expression hardened and he didn't really help me at all. He just tried to convert me back to heterosexuality. From his words I realized that he saw homosexuality as a problem rather than an orientation. After he finished talking I felt like I was some sort of freak. He is just like the rest of the world, minding my business and judging me on feelings that I cannot control. Now, I just accept the fact that I'm gay and live with the dire consequences that have appeared after I was found out. I've only ever acted my homosexual urges once, and after living through the embarrassment and the pain, I never want to act on them again.
I constantly think back to that horrid day that occurred around a year ago. I always think what could have happened under different circumstances. It started when I began to develop a crush on a boy in gym class. His name was Kevin Felton, sigh, I still shiver with delight at the very mention of his name. In my first ever gym class the first time I saw him I had to turn to the wall immediately, afraid of the reaction of the other guys in the locker room if they saw that I was getting hard in a boys locker room. Kevin was perfect, he was around the same build as me, had blond hair and mystic green eyes that used to hypnotize me for hours on end. We only knew each other on first name basis, we talked sometimes but it was mostly about school work and sports.
It happened after gym class finished when I was in the locker room getting changed. I heard a muffled sob from somewhere in the room, and as I looked around I saw Kevin sitting down with his face in his hands. I noticed that we were the only two left in the room. I walked up to him,
"Kevin?" I whispered, "Is everything OK?"
He looked up at me with a look of sheer terror on his face.
"Oh shit, I thought I was alone", and he got up and resumed getting changed like nothing had happened.
"Kevin, are you alright man?"
What happened next I will never forget. He spun around and locked his lips onto mine. His kiss was desperate yet passionate. Now I don't mean to boast but I've kissed a lot of girls before, mainly to fuel the general belief that I was straight and out of all of the kisses that I remember, none of them even came close to the first one that Kevin gave to me that day.
"God, Jimmy, I've been waiting to do that to you forever" he whispered as he finally broke the lock and allowed me to breathe.
I nearly fell over with shock! Did he know about me? It must have been the many hours I'd spent looking, no, perving on him in class.
Suddenly he burst into tears and turned around and began to pack his bag.
"Kevin..." Was the only thing I could think to say at that moment.
"It's OK, you can tease me," he said between sobs. "Yes, I'm gay. I'm attracted to boys. The pretty boy Kevin is a fag, I'm sorry I brought you into this Jim, just please don't tell anybody. I just found you so attractive and I couldn't help myself."
"Kevin", I replied, "I loved it, and I love you." For the second time I had to stop myself from falling over. Did I just say that? I couldn't believe how easy the words came out, it was like this moment was scripted and I knew exactly what to say.
For a few moments he did nothing as the words I just said sank in then he spun around with a look of hope on his face.
"Do you really mean that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?" He asked.
"Kevin, I mean it with every cell in my body. I'm gay too and I've been attracted to you since the first time I saw you."
The expression on his face was one of pure joy. He bounced up and down as he hugged me while whispering loudly "Thank you Jim. I love you too! You've made me so happy, I was always alone in this world and now, thanks to you I finally have someone who's like me!"
We locked lips again and began grinding into each other with animalistic passion. I began to move my lips onto his neck and began to taste his perfect flesh. I grabbed his crotch and began to rub it as I kissed his collarbone. At my touch he nearly jumped ten feet in the air and pushed his body into mine, pushing me backwards into a locker. The loud noise brought us both back down to earth and we both began to giggle. It was at this point that I realized we could get caught and the stories that I had heard told me that gays out of the closet lead a very lonely and painful existence. I stopped grinding into Kevin but he pushed up against me even harder, grabbing my crotch, I nearly came in my pants right there. As much as I loved this, we had to be cautious.
"Kevin?" I moaned
"We should go somewhere more private so we don't get caught"
He stopped grinding into me and moved his face to mine so that our noses were touching. I looked right into those sexy, hypnotic eyes. God, he was so perfect.
"Where do you want to go?" He asked while never breaking eye contact. After considering a few options I decided to ask him over to my place, considering my Dad was at work and was never home before six. My Mum was basically non existent as far as I'm concerned, she left 6 years ago and I haven't heard from her since.
I remember myself thanking my lucky stars as we traveled back to my place on the bus after school, only glancing at each other once or twice with the fear that any more eye contact and we would loose control and do something in public that we would regret. It was the longest bus ride in my life! I was so anxious to 'attend' to my urges with this beautiful, perfect boy next to me. Near the end of the trip he rubbed his leg up against mine and giggled. Arrgh! I was about to pin him against the window and ravage him when thankfully, we arrived at my stop.
When we got to my place no words were exchanged as we rushed to my room. Once we got to my room I turned to quickly lock the door, I had no chance as Kevin literally jumped on me and began to attack me with his lips. I groaned and began to knead his cute butt with my hands and he groaned in response. As we began to massage our tongues together moans and whimpers escaped from our mouths, we were not only turned on by our physical attraction but our emotions as well. I moved my hands to his crotch and rubbed his pulsating boyhood through his pants,
"Jim, suck me", he whispered. I nearly came when I heard his teenage raspy voice asking me to please him. "Ok," I replied, "but suck me too."
I unbuttoned his pants and he mirrored my movements. I pushed him down onto the bed and crawled on top of him and took him into my mouth. His boyhood tasted great and I began to suck harder, Kevin whimpered and I knew he was close. He moved me around and took my boyhood into his mouth and there we were, locked in a 69, when hell broke loose and my life changed forever.
"Jimmy? Is that you? I was sick at work and I decided to come home earl.... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?" I let Kevin's quickly deflating penis slide out of my mouth and I felt him do the same. Caught with our pants down, literally.
We sprung up and looked at my Dad; he was angry, angrier than I have ever seen him before. I glanced over at Kevin; the look of terror that was on his face still haunts me today.
"JIMMY, explain yourself. You're not... You're not... not..."
All I could do was look at my feet, we were caught, and there was no way I could explain this. I didn't even have time to look up before I felt my Dad's fist connect with my jaw. I made hard contact with the ground and before I passed out I could hear my Dad yelling at Kevin,
"You little fucking faggot! Don't you ever come near my son again, if I ever see you in this house again I'll fucking kill you!"
The next thing I remember was waking up on my bed, alone, with a throbbing jaw. I made my way downstairs cautiously, wondering what the hell was going on. I wondered into the kitchen to find my Dad reading the paper at the table. The look on his face terrified me; he was still really angry, so angry he didn't notice me entering the room. I sat there for a full minute in silence trying to say something but the look on my Dad's face seemed to make the words in my brain go away.
"Dad?" I whispered finally.
He jumped, unaware that I was even there. But when he laid eyes on me his facial expression changed from angry to enraged. He sprung up out of his chair, covered the distance between us in a couple of strides and planted his fist firmly into my stomach. I buckled over in pain and fell to the ground.
"NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO BE A FAG, YOU HEAR ME?"
"Dad", I croaked as I got up, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it"
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, you disgust me you little faggot!" Between each of these no's he delivered punches to my stomach, back and even my face. I fell to the ground and coughed up blood before I passed out.
After that day, Dad beat me everyday, threatening that if the 'fag within me' didn't leave me he would keep on beating me forever. After a few questions were asked at school he made sure he only beat me in the places that could be hidden by my clothing. I was only allowed out of the house to go to school, that was it. I never saw Kevin again, my Dad told his parents and they were horrified, they moved away so I could never see him again. Naturally the rumors began around school and I became an overnight outcast. My friends looked through me like I wasn't there and everywhere I go in school there are constant taunts and giggles thrown at me behind my back. I cry every night, I cry for me, and for Kevin. How could of something that felt so right be frowned upon so much by everybody else?
My life was a constant nightmare for the next year. Everyday was a constant blur of pain and regret, regret of what might have happened if my Dad wasn't sick on that day that I found love. As I walked around school between the beatings and the insults I noticed couples enjoying themselves. Heterosexual couples of course, enjoyment isn't allowed to be experienced by a homosexual. I gave up praying for all of the pain to stop ages ago, fuck God, I prayed, and my blood was still spilled by my Dad and the kids at school so I decided to stop wasting my time.
One day as I limped to my room after a beating from my Dad, (he saw me look at another boy who was walking by the house) I noticed a package on my bed, addressed to me! No one ever sent me mail, apart from the occasional threat letter from the jocks at school warning me that they were going to beat me up the next day. As I opened it up I found that it was addressed from my Mum, she hadn't seen or contacted me in 6 years since she left. She said in the letter with the package that she felt guilty about never seeing me and blah, blah, blah. Fuck her, she doesn't care, she probably sent this package just to ease her conscience. As I opened it I wondered if she knew about me yet, but then I realized I really didn't care anymore.
I looked at the package and it turned out to be a headset that allows you to access 'The World', an online virtual reality game. My heart jumped, I wasn't allowed to go outside and interact with other people because of my Dad but now, I can go online and interact with people in 'The World.' But the fact that really made me happy was that you can choose what your character looks like while you are in the world, which means that people won't know that it's me! Finally I can walk among people without the fear of taunts or beatings. I ran over to my computer and installed the software and connected the headset. Another thing that pleased me is that my Dad is computer illiterate, which means he has no idea what I'm doing. I smiled for the first time in ages as I logged into 'The World', hoping that this world will be kinder to me than the real one was.