Chapter 8


"Everyone say cheese!" Trucker states.


I feel so uncomfortable when the picture is being taken. Trucker sets a timer on the Captain Kane's old school camera. He runs over and wedges himself between Idris and Jonathan right before the flash. It's so awkward. The only one more awkward in this group shot than me is Jonathan. He doesn't smile. I don't smile either. It's been when I had to start comparing myself to Jonathan when it came to fitting in.


After the picture a bunch of people disperse. I'm happy the moment was awkward as fuck.


Two weeks have passed since Selah has been dead. Two weeks since I made the mistake to sleep with Captain Kane. My mind is racing with regret every time I see him. We avoid each other. We keep things professional. We completely forget that anything happened that night because that is the only way to make sense of what happened.


"Hey Lux..."


"My name's Lucky," I respond.


I didn't like nicknames.


"You want to go see the observation deck," Anne asks me.



"To see the planet?"

"What's the point? Cassie already scanned the planet. It's not habitable."




Trucker had probably convinced everyone that we were some "chosen" crew. For two weeks he's been spreading around his propaganda that the Heavenly was special. It wasn't just our crew who believed it too. Other people on the Pioneer always got excited when our shuttle returned. They thought Captain Kane was special. They thought the Heavenly was special.


We've gone on four missions in this week alone since we dropped into this new galaxy. Nothing special happened. The FTL jump leaves us in the middle of this galaxy and there just seems to be all this hope that this galaxy would have been a lot different from the last. The problem is that even though the Pioneer can travel faster than light, the shuttles can't. We are running out of time.


I think everyone on the crew knows that except Trucker. Maybe that's why he likes to grab everyone to take them to the observation deck on the shuttle.


"Suit yourself. Everyone else is going," Anne states.




"Hey Anne..."




This is my opportunity. She was looking to bond with me so hard. I can tell by how her eyes get all big when she talks to me. She isn't the only one too. These people on this shuttle are so fucking emotional. It annoys me. I know I could press her. I could open her up about the control room of the Pioneer.


Instead, I punk out, "Nevermind."


I should be gaining information from Anne. I should be gaining her trust but honestly, it just feels like it's wrong to do that. The more I hang around these people the more uncomfortable I get with using them. Maybe that's why I'm so closed off to them. I realize that if I got close it would just be to help Koopa find out how to access the control room from Anne.


What I don't realize is that once Anne and the others leave the Heavenly's command center, I'm alone with Captain Kane.


"You should have gone with them," his deep voice says from the captain's chair, "The others really want to bond with you."


It's the first time we are alone. I look back at him. I have to admit that I see what Selah found so attractive about this guy. It's hard not to find him attractive. He has those deep eyes that almost look into your soul. His body is one of those bodies you can tell is built even under a military jacket. He has that deep voice that seems confident and calm all at the same time. He makes you believe whatever he tells you. It's easy to listen to him and get lost in that voice of his.


"They are trying to fill that hole that Selah left," I state, "I can't do that."

"You think the worst in people," he responds, "Or at least you want to. What's your story Lucky? Who hurt you?"

The Captain is staring at me from his seat. I'm over by the tactics station. My station is one of the panels that sit in a semi-circle around the Captain's large chair. I can't hide from him anywhere in this room. I probably should have walked with Anne and the others. Not to see some uninhabitable planet but just to get away from the Captain.


"What is this? We bonding now?" I ask him.


"I just want to know more about you."

"We fucked. It was wrong. Both of us felt alone and depressed that Selah was gone. And we filled those holes with each other. That was it. You understand that right? Don't start getting emotional on me man. You're not my type."

He laughs. The Captain gives me a loud stare. He walks over to me. I can tell he doesn't want to shout across the command center about what happened that night. It's clear he's just as embarrassed about what happened as I am.


"You think you are my type?" he asks me, "I prefer to be on Top..."


"Oh I don't get fucked," I respond quickly.




"So we agree that we aren't compatible."


"I understand that," I tease, "I don't know about you. You seem stuck up. Every stuck up person wants a bad boy."


He laughs at me.


"I'm not Selah. I don't get impressed by the fact that you break rules and act out. You need to grow up Lucky. There are people on this shuttle depending on you," he explains to me.


I don't know why the captain saying this to me right now triggers something. The deep trigger just goes off in my head and I just feel like I don't know exactly where to put all these emotions that the Captain has initiated with one phrase. What about his comment makes me think so hard about the past? I hate the past. The past is just something that keeps you from seeing the future too clearly. It's just something in your rear view mirror that distracts from the road. And if you look in your rearview mirror too long you'll start to swerve and hit a motherfucking tree.


I think right now Captain Kane is that tree.


"I can't save anyone," I respond.


He had been walking back to his area when he stops. He doesn't expect me to answer him. He turns back around and looks at me. He crosses his arms at that moment. There is this deep eye contact that we share at that moment. He walks back over to me. He pulls out the chair at my station. It's the chair that Selah once sat in. Captain Kane sits in it and crosses his arms.


"What do you mean by that?" he asks with that deep tone of his.


He looks at me. I don't like how close he is. Those deep eyes pierce inside my soul and for a moment Captain Kane forgets about the Pioneer. He forgets about our missions on the Heavenly shuttle to find an inhabitable planet in this galaxy. He forgets about everything else that isn't right here in this moment. He's giving me his full undivided attention.


"Selah," I explain to him, "I couldn't save him."




"You blame yourself?"




"Every day," I respond to him, "I was the last one of us to see him alive. I could have took the blame. I could have taken any blame. I could have fought if I had to. I didn't. He looked so peaceful when he gave himself up. It's almost like he knew he was going to die."




"Selah had a way of bringing peace to everyone. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He would want you to be at peace," Captain Kane explains.


"I don't want to be at peace. I'm so angry all the time. I can't sleep."




"Since Selah died, I can't sleep either."




"You can't?"




I'm surprised. The captain always seems so in control. The fact that someone like him with his structure and his discipline can't control his body to fall asleep shocks me. He seems like someone who understands his emotions, processes them and uses them wherever it is correct.




He leans back in his chair, "I fell in love with a subordinate of mine. It was under me that he died."




He says the L word when he speaks about Selah. I can feel jealousy almost stirring up. Did Selah love him back?


"You blame yourself too?"




"No. But I need to know how this happened. Someone released the Upsetter. It's been a while now and no sign of the Upsetter. People are starting to get antsy. They feel unsafe."




"Someone in your crew released the Upsetter..."




I know the Captain didn't want to hear this but I had to be blunt with him. There were just so many of us who were present when Selah talked about the Upsetter. The members of the crew were present. Someone was a traitor to the human race and I wanted to find out who.




"We don't know that," the captain responds.




"I know that."




"You can't act like that. Maybe this is what the Upsetters want. They want chaos. They want us to turn on one another. When we don't stand together we are at our weakest."




"What if one of your crew members released the Upsetter? What if one of your crew members is a traitor?"


I'm pissed. I hate how fair the Captain is being right now. There was a time and a place where being fair just doesn't cut it anymore. It's the difference between Kane and Koopa. Koopa was angry. He was angry just like I am. He was willing to raise hell. Just like me. Kane was different. He saw a big picture that I just couldn't get.


He asks me a question that makes me feel so funny at that moment.


"You really think someone on this crew did it?"




"I'm going to find out who it is," I tell Captain Kane, "I promise you that. I'm going to find out who that person was and I'm going to send that person out an airlock."




I'm going to send that person out an airlock along side Admiral Lincoln. That was a promise.




"I know it sounds stupid but I don't think it's as simple as all that," he explains to me, "The members of this crew aren't perfect. They are human. But at the same time, I think that's what I trust about them. The humanity about them. It's rare. It's beautiful. There is a part of it in you too. If you just open up a little bit."




There goes Captain Kane. He's giving me his speech. He's making things right. He's being the leader. I was so angry. If the Upsetters wanted us to be distraught and act out then I planned on giving them their wish.


"I'm going to get revenge for Selah. Because I have so many regrets."




"Like what? Talk to me. It's OK."


"Selah never got to know me. Not the real me. I was falling in love with him and I expected him to choose me over you even though I didn't show him a fucking thing about myself."


That was the truth. I had that wall up the entire time and I just expected Selah to feel the same way about me as I did for him. It didn't work. In the end, he had died with feelings for Kane. I should hate Kane looking at him now but instead, I just envy him. Whatever relationship he had with Selah was way more than I ever had.


Tears are rolling down my eyes. I can't believe it. True fucking tears. The emotion just cracks at that moment.


Fuck! I couldn't believe how weak I looked right now.


"There it is," he says smiling at me as though discovering something.



"Your humanity," he responds with a smile.


Just at that moment, he looks at me and I can't help but laugh for some reason. I laugh because I'm embarrassed and I'm supposed to be this strong guy but I'm allowing Captain Kane to reach over and wipe a fucking tear off of my eye.


We stare at each other after he does it. This deep emotion at that moment and I stare down at Kane's lips. I don't know why I'm doing it. He still is rubbing my cheek and the more he rubs my cheek to dry my tears the more I stare at his lips.


Then I lean in for a kiss.


I kiss and kiss. My lips press up against his. He breathes through the kiss letting me put my tongue in his mouth. I reach over and grab his back pulling his seat closer to me to intensify it. He resists this.


"I can't," he states.


"Fuck. I'm sorry...what the fuck was I thinking?" I state jumping up.


"It's OK. It's just. You know...Selah and..."




"No. Don't explain," I state cutting him off, "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking just now."




I start to get up and I start to walk away. I better avoid being alone with the Captain. I needed to be with the rest of the crew right now.


"Lucky! Lucky wait..."




I am so embarrassed though that I leave the room as quickly as possible. I don't know what was coming over and me but I knew I didn't like it. The Captain had a point. Whatever reason him and I had a connection it was because we were both mourning Selah. We both had these similar feelings about it. The connection was temporary. It would go away. Until then I just needed to stop acting like it even existed.



We arrive back at the Pioneer late. Seeing the spinning of the cocoon always makes me dizzy. I know the thing spins in order to create artificial gravity but I fucking hate it. I hate how it looks like a cocoon too. We land in the Pioneer and I feel like I'm trapped somehow. I feel like the Pioneer was never meant to be a place to live forever. It would have been more comfortable and less like some grayed out military station. The Pioneer was exactly what it looked like. It was a cocoon. It was supposed to be temporary in hopes that it would transform into something beautiful. The problem is this butterfly was taking way too long to transform.


I get out of there quickly, escaping from the others in an attempt to stay as far away from Captain Kane as possible. I end up meeting Trisha from the Viper out on the history center. A lot of people come out here after missions. I guess they want to feel like they need to remember what we are fighting for. All the history of the Earth is in the history center. The soldiers rely on facilities like history centers, training and fitness services, administrative offices and the medical facilities after missions. I guess it all just helps us stay healthy.


"Everyone seems on edge," I state.


I look around. People were getting antsy. There is this feeling in the air like you are filling up a balloon to its capacity and any moment it was going to pop.


Trisha shrugs, "People are tired of being told what to do."




"No. They are scared that we won't find a planet."




The tension was thick. After every mission, people gathered in the history centers for whatever reason. It's so odd. I look across the room and see Royce with Anne. I can see Royce staring back my way from the Heavenly table. I think he wants me to come sit with them. I think about it until of course I see Captain Kane come join them. I roll my eyes back to Trisha who is staring me down.




"We didn't even go to the planet we were supposed to go to," Trisha is explaining.




She's been talking like this as for the past couple days. Trisha likes me. I know she does. She flirts and back on Earth I would have banged her in the nearest military warehouse room just to add her to my list. After I met Selah things changed. I find myself lacking any sort of sexual desires. The only person I've actually wanted to be around is Kane and that is only because we connect about our feelings when it came to Selah.




"You didn't complete the mission?"




She leans closer to me as though she is telling me some deep secret, "Hell no. Koopa had the Viper just float around for a little bit. We smoked blunts. Got high in the stars."




It's almost as though she is trying to make me feel jealous.




"You feel good about that?" I ask Trisha.




"What do you mean?"




"Not completing missions. The rest of the shuttles are busting our asses out there. You do realize the Pioneers won't last forever right? We don't have enough resources. We need to find a planet."




What if one of the planets the Viper was supposed to survey happened to be inhabitable? The fact that they weren't completing the missions just seemed dumb. The fact that after a long day I had to come back to the Pioneer and hear how Trisha didn't do shit but get high annoys me. Even right now I think she is so high it takes a while for it to click that I'm pissed about this.


"Yo...chill," she tells me, "Koopa has everything under control."


I stop talking to her. It's pointless.


"Where's Koopa?"




"He's in warehousing. He's getting things in control..."




I stop her. There is no point in talking to Trisha. I need to go straight to the head of the snake.






I find the Vipers in the warehouse area like Tricia states. There seems to be some arguing going on. A group of people seem to notice what is going on. I don't recognize all of them but I do recognize one among the group. Cassie. She's raising her voice and she seems to have an attitude.




"Put those supplies back!" Cassie is saying.




"Mind your business bitch," someone from the Viper replies.




I watch as the members of the Viper are stealing supplies out of the warehouse area. It's clear that Cassie and a few people from other shuttles have caught them. You think that would stop Koopa and his team, huh? No. It's the opposite. They seem to angry at the fact that Cassie and the others are trying to stop them.




I walk up to them and see Cassie in the face of some Viper crew members. She pushes Leon hard. The girl has some balls. I'll give her that. Leon is petty, though. I'm not surprised when he grabs her up and yolks her into the corner.




"Don't ever put your hands on me again bitch!" Leon barks at her.




He balls his fists up. I just walked in on some crazy confrontation and almost immediately I realize I'm the only one who can stop it.




"Leon you hit girls now?" I ask.




I get between them. I always knew he was a little bitch ever since I started running with the Viper shuttle but I had no idea he would stoop this low. A couple of people seem to snap back into the reality that we aren't in Southside Chicago anymore and actually on a military-hosted space shuttle when I call Leon's ass out. He gets a little embarrassed at that moment.




"What? You protecting her now?" Leon asks.




Leon glares at me. He's one of those guys who doesn't have a backbone unless he's with his friends. Koopa must realize Leon is a follower. Leon looks as though I should have some loyalty to him for whatever reason. I never even liked the guy.




So I get in Leon's face. I was looking for a fight. I had so much anger built up from Selah's death that I kind of wanted to fight. I wanted to lean in and just rock Leon's world. My fist gets tight. My chest butts up against Leon. I buck up against him hoping that he says one more word.




"Say something else. I dare you," I respond.




All silence. Like I thought.




It isn't until Captain Koopa comes out from the back of the warehouse that Leon seems to get his little bit of bravery back. He starts making faces that he wasn't making when I was in his face once Koopa grabs me up and pulls me aside.




"What's going on here?" Koopa asks.




"Tell your people to fall back. They are stealing. These supplies belong to everyone," I tell Koopa.




"Yo chill. We were just borrowing a few things."




"They were stockpiling," Cassie interrupts.




Koopa puts on a smile. It's one of those guilty ass smiles. He didn't realize that Cassie and a few other people had been watching his crew the entire time. What the fuck did Koopa get from stockpiling pioneer supplies for himself? What kind of shit was that?


"Koopa that's not cool yo. We all need to survive."


"I was going to share with you..." Koopa says.


"ALL OF US. I'm not speaking for just myself," I respond.


I am speaking for everyone left on the Pioneer. There were still hundreds of people. Koopa glares at me for a minute as though trying to figure something out. Then he turns to his people and gives them a few nods. I watch as they abandon the supplies they were toting and start to walk away.


"You right, you right. Shit, just been really tense. I apologize," Koopa explains before looking at Cassie, "I apologize."


The crowd starts to diffuse. The tension starts to go down. It's clear the confrontation has been resolved when Cassie gives me a warm smile and a tap on my shoulder, "Thanks, Lucky."


With that, she walks off. Koopa has this slick ass smirk on his face until she does. When we are alone he gives me a sly smile.


"I like that. You playing your part," he states.


"My part?" I ask.


"Pretending like you are on their side," he responds, "Getting them to trust you and all that."


Koopa is tripping. I roll my eyes. There's no point of even arguing with him that what he was doing actually was wrong.


"I don't know about you Koopa..." I state.


I mean that shit too. Koopa is really starting to look like a shady individual. I wondered if people looked at me like that. I wonder if they still look at me like that. Having his people steal supplies is ridiculous. I remember how Trisha said Koopa had things "under control" earlier. I wonder if this is what she meant. Him stealing was him having things under control.


Koopa follows me clearly realizing that I'm looking at him sideways. I know he must feel some type of way about it because all of a sudden he's talking fast as hell trying to get his point across.


"Isn't this the point? Huh? Think about it. We are supposed to be getting back at Admiral Lincoln. He killed Selah. Remember? C`mon now."


"Man don't give me that shit. You didn't give a fuck about Selah."


"It's the principal," Koopa responds, "Selah got no trial. He got no say. The Admiral thinks he's god on this ship. He kills people just because he feels like it. There is no government. He's hiding secrets. Big secrets. Whose to say what secrets he has in the Pioneer control center. I heard that main computer has secrets that could change everything. We need to access that."


"And I agree with you about the Admiral. What I don't agree with is you acting like a petty fuckin' thief."


"You right. You right. Listen. I apologize," Koopa states.


I stop. I turn to Koopa. I wonder if he means it.


Truth is, people are stressed. People are doing some random shit now that they know that an Upsetter is loose on the ship. Everyone is scared after news about Selah.


"I don't want no beef between us," I state.


"There's no beef. We are on the same side," he explains to me, "You got to remember that. I need you to find out from Anne how to access the control center."


"I'm working on it."


"We don't have time. We need that information...soon..."


"How soon?"


"In two days."


"What happens in two days?" I ask.


"We jump to FTL. Whenever we jump to a new galaxy the Admirals people have their guards down. We are going to attack them. We are going to start a riot. And once the Admiral is distracted we take over the control room and take over the entire space station."


I think about it.


"Man...Anne doesn't trust me like that yet."


"How do you know? She looks at you as a team member. Have you asked her to help you access the control room yet?"


What could I say to Anne to convince her of that?


"I don't know..." I state.


It's not just about convincing Anne to let me know the secrets of accessing the Pioneer's main control room. She would help. It's more about me. I wonder if I even want to help Koopa anymore.

This isn't about Koopa though. This is about Selah. I want to get even. I want to make people pay for what they did to Selah. But at what cost? What would I give up for Selah?








It's late at night and I head back to my room. I think about just going to bed but instead I head to Captain Kane's room. I just feel so uncomfortable about the decision that I have to make. I need to talk to someone and Kane is the only one that makes sense.


Kane opens up his door.


He's in a fucking towel.


Jesus Christ.


"Oh shit," I state, "I can come back."

"No you're good I just got out of the shower. Did you need something?" Kane asks me.


"I've been torn on some personal things and I just needed someone to talk to Captain Kane, but honestly I think I should probably come back later.




"No. Come in. And we are off the clock. You can call me Chad."

Chad opens his door and walks into his room. I hesitate wondering if I should go the other way. I just sigh instead and follow Chad into the room. Chad is different out of his uniform. It's not the fact that he is half naked in the room either. I mean that is a sight in itself. I can't help but to compare my body to Chad's body. He has a six pack. I'm far from fat or anything. My body is pretty toned but Chad looked like he probably ate nothing but fucking veggies all day. The guy was ripped. I'm annoyed when I see his body more than anything. I wonder if Selah saw him with his shirt off.


"Your room is bigger than the rest of ours," I notice.


"I'm a Captain," he responds.


I walk into the room. I can't help but to look around. I notice a photo of Selah. Chad probably took it with that camera of his. It's hanging up on the wall. Selah looks like he didn't know it was being taken. It's one of those candid moments.


"I like this picture," I state.


I stare at the walls. I can't help it. Seeing Selah in a candid shot just brings me back to him. It makes me feel warm inside when before I saw him I just felt fucking cold.


"Don't think I'm a stalker."

"He didn't know you took it, did he?" I ask.


The Captain walks over to where I'm standing. His torso is still wet and he doesn't seem to care. He crosses those muscular arms of his.


"No...he didn't. He looked the most handsome when he didn't think anyone was watching him. Don't you think?"




I stare at the photo. I can't help but agree.






"You can have it."

He grabs the frame and hands it to me.


"Wait I can't take this," I tell him, "This is probably all you have left of him."


"I have Selah here," he says pointing his brain, "and here", he points at his heart, "You can have the picture. It's important to share those memories."


I take the picture. I sigh.


I drop the picture, "I have enough of him in my heart too. You aren't the only one who is holding onto him. You know that right?"




"I didn't mean anything by it."




I'm being defensive. I know I'm being defensive. I can't help myself. I watch as walks over to a chair. He sits in it. I feel like a dickhead for saying that. I find myself walking over to the opposite chair. I think about my words carefully at that moment.




"I'm sorry. I've just been feeling some type of way about your relationship with him," I explain to him.


"Like how?"








He laughs, "There were moments I felt jealous of your relationship with him as well. When you two bonded on the guns. That shit was scary. I thought I was losing him..."




I remember those moments.




"Look I didn't come to talk to you about Selah," I change the subject, "I came to ask you for advice. If you had the opportunity to move on or get payback for something that happened in the past. Which would you choose?"




"That seems a little vague."




I can't reveal Koopa's plan. Even though I want to, I'm not a snitch.


"I can't tell you anymore."




"I think you should move on then," the Captain explains quickly.


"That's it?"




"Of course. Did you expect me to say something else?" he asks.


I don't want to bring up Selah again but I have no choice.




"When I kissed you...earlier. You said that you couldn't...because of Selah," I explain.


He stares at me for a minute, "You're right. I was wrong..."




"Hold on I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about pulling away."




"No. I don't feel guilty," Captain Kane tells me, "I feel stupid."




There is a pause. I'm not sure what Captain Kane is telling me at that moment. There is an awkwardness between us that seems to spread like wildfire.






"I should probably mourn Selah. With the feelings I had for him I'd probably take years back home. The truth is though...we aren't back home."




"What are you saying?"


"I'm in pain. I can't focus on my job. I can't focus on anything. I have so many regrets about Selah and it's fucking with my decision making," Chad says.


"That makes two of us," I respond.


I was going out of my way to get back at the people I felt were responsible for Selah's death. I was willing to risk the entire human race because of Selah. I was thinking with my heart and I just couldn't stop. I knew coming here that Chad would understand.




"Today Johnny was doing his staring thing and I lost it. I just started screaming at him," Kane says, "I just kept telling him there was nothing out there. It was so unprofessional."

I want to share with him my conversation with Koopa. I hold back though.


"I get it. I really do man. But what can we do?"

"We need to get over Selah quickly. We just do. It's just the nature of things now," Captain Kane explains.


I swallow my spit. The fact that he notices that and he is saying it out loud scares me. Back on Earth an idea like that would be considered inconsiderate. If he loved someone he shouldn't want to get over them right? Wrong.


"We don't have the luxury to mourn him properly," I explain.


"We don't have the time," he responds.


The captain gets me. He understands. We needed a clear mind. We needed a way to make decisions based on our intellect and not our emotions. The memories of Selah were so painful that it didn't help.


"What do we do?"


Captain Kane leans back in his chair. He moves the towel. He slides it up his muscular leg at that moment. His dick is semi hard. It peaks from underneath his towel. I stare at it. He has something like a pretty penis. I've never been much to stare at dicks or anything like that but I can't help but to stare at his when he reveals it. When he notices I am staring at it I watch as it gets harder and harder. Soon it is fully erect. He grasps his hard dick with one hand.


"Come here."

"I'm a know that."

"I like to top too."

"Did Selah ever fuck you?"

He hesitates.




"That was...different..."

"So he did?" I ask.


"Can we please not talk about him when my dick is hard?" he asks, "I'm doing this so I can stop thinking about him all the time remember?"

He had a point.


I nod, "We'll figure it out."

Chad swallows his spit as I approach him. When I am close enough he stands up. We face each other. We start kissing. This time he doesn't pull back.


The kissing is wet, deep and passionate. We start standing up but end horizontal on the bed. We roll around each other. Each one of us is trying to get on top. Each one of us is trying to take control of this situation. Two dominant figures are clashing at this moment with no idea of who is really going to be the submissive one in this experience.


We end up sideways, tonguing each other down like this is the last kiss we'll ever give someone. Maybe we kiss so desperately because in our world this just may be the last time.


"69?" I offer.


It's the only thing that makes sense at this moment.


Chad doesn't answer with words but he does flip over. His head faces my dick. I see hisdick right in front of my face. He's already begun sucking me and I hesitate. I struggle with it for a moment. Him sucking me feels so good that I am tempted to just lay back and enjoy it. I realize that wouldn't be fair though so I open my mouth as wide as I can and put his shaft into my mouth. I expect a salty taste but I'm wrong. Maybe it's because he just came out of the shower. It just tastes like clean skin. There is a slight taste when I taste his precum but even after tasting it I don't mind for too long.


Before long we are bobbing up and down each other's shafts only taking our mouths off to inhale and grunt at the feeling of being sucked off. I find myself scaling his body. I'm worshipping the muscles in his legs. I worship the veins. I trace the tight skin with my fingertips. I finally keep going until I feel his ass.


Chad stops sucking, "Man..."

"Let me...please..."




"I don't let people do this for a hookup," he tells me.




"Who says this is a hookup?" I ask him.


I don't know what it is. I admit that. Chad seems to agree because he lets me finger him. My fingers go into his asshole. Before long I realize he wants to repay the favor. All I hear is a slurping sounds. I know he is sucking on his fingers to lubricate them but in seconds he is pressing up against my prostate.


We finger one another and suck each off. We both cum twice before we stop.


We collapse into each other afterword. We're sweating from all the steam between us but still are laying on the bed close to one another.


"What now?" he asks me.


We are both satisfied. We've gotten our minds off Selah for a minute but just a minute. The thoughts are coming in my mind already though. What would Selah think if he was in Heaven watching us do this right now? His pissed off would he be? Would he hate me or Chad more for moving on so quickly?

"I'm thinking about him again."

"Me too. Maybe...maybe you don't have to leave tonight."

"You would to sleep together?"

"Is that so bad?"

I sigh, "That's just what couples would do..."


Couples. People that were in a relationship. There was a time where I would have died to have Selah realize I wanted to be in a relationship with him. Selah chose Chad instead of me. For some reason I'm just so curious on what Selah saw in this goody two shoes.


"Is that so bad?" he asks me, "For us to do what couples do?"

"Are we going to be end up being a couple?"

He shrugs, "I don't know..."

I think about it.


"Maybe you're right. Maybe sleeping together wouldn't be so bad. Maybe what happens next wouldn't be so bad either," I admit.


Chad nods as though we are on the same page. Neither of us can explain the feelings we are feeling right now but for some reason it's OK. Right now we are enjoying each other. We struggle for a few minutes on who is going to be holding the other but end up with our arms wrapped around one another waists. It feels comfortable.


It feels right.


It feels like what couples do...

I wake up in the middle of the night. My mouth is dry. I look over at this guy and really wonder if we are going to build a relationship. It's weird how things work but for some reason I rather not be anywhere else. I get out of the bed and go to the little bathroom he has. I enter the bathroom and start pissing.


That's when I see the camera.


I pick it up and look at the crew. I can't betray these people. I couldn't betray Chad. Selah was missing from this picture but his love wasn't.


Then I realize something.


Someone else is missing from the picture. Someone who was definitely was in front of the camera when the photo snapped. There is nothing but a blank space next to Idris and Trucker now. And a bright light.


It's Jonathan.



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