Date: Thu, 23 Jul 2015 03:13:24 +0000 (UTC) From: Gaia Farnese Subject: Koi no Yokan 4 A/N: The song included in this part is Akuro no Oka (meaning: The Hill of Acropolis) by Dir en Grey. You can check the translated lyrics online. Standard disclaimer and copyright notices apply. Please consider donating to Nifty. ~ kimi wa ima ano oka de futari de mita kono sora wo mitsumeteru boku wa ima kono sora de futari de ita ano oka wo mitsumete ~ The noise from the vehicles filled Eiri's ears with unpleasant buzz. The number of vehicles in Estéril sometimes left him wondering if there were more of them than there were people. Logically, he knew they were inside, seated safely behind the wheels. But, occasionally, he got the impression that cars moved on their own, being a robotic extension of the contemporary buildings lining the road. He'd passed the city library, the playground and the University campus, and was steadily making his way toward the distant Pedway L when he heard a misplaced noise. For a second he thought he might have heard a bike, but he stubbornly refused to think along those lines and continued as if nothing had rattled him. Had Eiri turned left when he'd exited the school grounds, he would have reached his home in less than 20 minutes. There was another Pedway (C) which connected D.II and D.IV centrally and he took it most days because, really, who wanted to walk an hour to their house after school? Besides, he could always take the subway, but he didn't have his student card on him right now. Plugging earbuds in his ears, he made his peace with walking home the round way. At least it wasn't humid outside. Pedway L led the way through the woods behind Main Residential, the second and largest green ground on the southern hemisphere of Estéril. But, unlike the Back-Door Area, these woods were devoid of people, hence deemed safer by the denizens. It took Eiri a total of 20 minutes to walk the Pedway. He descended the stairs on Border Lane 44 and started navigating the rest of the lanes with ease. Still, it was quite the journey, because Main Residential featured 24 blocks of enormous proportions, cut through by no less than 43 lanes, if one didn't count Border Line 44. But he did it and he felt very relieved when he reached the midway of his lane. One of Eiri's favourite things to do when he walked back from school was to observe the life on the streets making a web of Main Residential. Despite the general death-like appearance of the city, one could occasionally see life on the streets. There would be children playing outside, although still close to their buildings, or people going home from work. It wasn't much, but it was enough to brighten the atmosphere. This gaiety, naturally, was restricted to the northern blocks, because there wasn't anyone in the Derelict and nearby areas who did as little as allow themselves a smile. It was like watching two different cultures coexist in a precarious balance. Taking out the earbuds, Eiri could no longer pretend that the bike sound wasn't really there. He had half a mind to turn around and yell at the Wolf to leave him alone, but he didn't dare. When he was 30 feet from the entrance to his building, the bike stopped and that's when he began feeling panicky. "Eiri," the voice commanded without raising a notch. He would recognize it anywhere. He'd been dreaming about that voice for years now; it was part of him as much as the memories of that night. But even so, he continued walking, his gait growing unsteady with every step he took. It was a simple choice – he could turn around, and face the ancient guardian, or break in a run. He knew there was a chance of the Wolf starting after him, but the idea of running away wasn't really bad. Of course, that still left no excuses for the way he kept trying to escape the inevitable. So it seemed like a greater idea to turn around and get it over and done with, once and for all. The Wolf had followed him around for an hour, Eiri might as well see what he had to say to him. Stopping, he turned sharply and, giving himself the briefest of moments to prepare, gazed ahead to find Neko staring at him, head cocked and body relaxed against his bike. ~ ano bashou de kimi to deai subete wa hajimaru ima dewa nani mo dekinai kono machi de kimi to deai ima dewa daremo ai senai kimi to futari de mata ano oka e ~ Eiri opened his mouth to say `What do you want?' but didn't follow through. There was no reason to act so hostile right away, he thought. He closed his mouth and waited for Neko to speak, assuring himself that whatever the Wolf said wouldn't change his mind. "You remember me." It wasn't a question. Maybe he could sense Eiri's anger. "Yes. I remember you." Both Wolf and bike came closer. "So why did you run from me?" "I didn't run from you." "No?" the expression on Neko's face seemed very gullible, so much that Eiri couldn't lie to him. "... I don't want to talk to you," he fidgeted. "Why not?" "I just... why do you care?" "I find you interesting. I want to talk to you." There was a time when Eiri would have welcomed the attention from Neko, but that time was over, it was left behind in the past. Eiri was so afraid, so very afraid, but not of the obvious. "You could have talked to me plenty of times during these years. Where were you?" For the first time the wolf's face sharpened. His eyes traveled from Eiri's accusing expression to the building on his right. It took him a few moments to look back at Eiri and answer. "Here." "Yeah," the accusation deepened. "You never came around, not even to say hi. Just say hi." "I know." It seemed like Neko didn't know what else to say, something that disappointed Eiri even further. What had the world come to if adults like Neko didn't know how to answer a young's question? "And now you want to talk..." "Yes," Neko seemed very serious. "I was busy before," he added when he saw nothing else forthcoming. "I see. Well, I'm kinda busy myself now," Eiri told him, turning his back to the great Wolf. He'd walked more than ten steps without hearing anything else, so Eiri figured he would quietly continue on his way and release all his bottled up anger once he arrived home. Neko didn't deserve anything less, he assured himself. "OK, then. But do say hi sometimes." The bike started after these words and Neko whirled past Eiri in less than a few seconds. The boy was left to stare after him and ponder the sharp feeling in his chest. ~ ano bashou de deatta ne ima dewa mou nani mo dekinai keredo kono machi de deatta ne ima dewa mou dare mo ai senai keredo ~ Upon returning to his flat, Eiri didn't do any of the things he envisioned on his way up. The china vase remained whole and the TV screen didn't feature long sharp lines made with the kitchen knife. The cushions were in their place and all the glass decorations were safely tucked away in the corners. It seemed as if everything had come to an unnatural still. However, on the inside of Eiri's small frame it was anything but. A stream of thoughts played in his mind, causing a whirlwind of emotions. He thought about how it stung that he hadn't said better things, smarter things. No matter how he replayed it in his head, Neko's final words and cruel departure left him, Eiri, the loser. Dropping his things next to his desk, Eiri sat down on the bed in his room. For many years he'd made up elaborate fantasies about the second meeting between him and Neko, but the way it played out in reality was horribly off the mark. He'd never wanted to fight with Neko. The worst was that he'd always imagined a different character. His Neko was kind and magical. His eyes were strict but affectionate, and whenever he talked to Eiri, he told him the sweetest things. Even when he cautioned him, Neko managed to sound like he truly cared about Eiri. The real thing wasn't like that at all. Disillusioned, Eiri lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. How had he dared hope for something better than what reality had to offer him? He felt so very stupid for putting his trust in a figure that he'd only seen once, in his early childhood. Neko told him back then that he wasn't a nice person, but Eiri chose to believe in the dream-like version he'd constructed in his head. Well, now he knew. He didn't have too much time to brood over this though. Once his parents were home from work they engaged him in what they called `family activities'. Eiri was to help mom sort the shopping and make a meal, then clean up the table after lunch, wash the dishes and join dad watching news. In the late afternoon they all had tea, then Eiri was supposed to study and his parents minded their business. Sometimes, when he was feeling lazy, he'd sneak up on mom reading a book and read with her until she noticed him evading schoolwork. Other times, he joined dad watching films. He had a huge collection of old films and Eiri liked the fantasy ones the best. Most evenings Eiri didn't require help to do his homework. He finished it quickly and used up the remaining time to play games or browse the Internet for interesting articles. His family's structured life involved having a bed hour too, so Eiri found himself in bed every night at 21:30. Of course, he wasn't stupid, so he always snuck in a book or a magazine with him in bed and read late into the night. He appeared to need very little sleep to function. When he had real trouble falling asleep he'd go to the entertainment room and ask dad for help – his advice rarely varied: a glass of warm milk, a chocolate snack or playing some chess. At first he'd jokingly suggest Eiri read his schoolbooks until he fell asleep on top of them, but he soon learned that when Eiri said he couldn't sleep he really meant it. In that case, they played chess until the clock chimed midnight. It was a comfortable life, ruled by time-tables and securely established routine. But sometimes, Eiri became sick of it and acted snappy with his parents. Such was the case on that very day and it made his parents exchange several consecutive looks in a short time. He broke one of the glasses in the sink and got yelled at for that. The day slowly turned into a nightmare and he observed it detachedly for as long as his mother yelled in his face. Apparently, it'd been a wedding gift and a rare sort of glass. He tried to explain that he hadn't meant to break it, but thought it would be futile so he remained where he was, silent and scowling. After he was banished to his room, he opened his books to study and found all the words blurring into senseless, jagged, black lines. His brain seemed to have shut off, leaving him to work with the scraps of his person. ~ kako wa nido to modoranai keredo umare kawari kimi wo sagasu kara sono toki made boku wo matteite keredo ima wa ano oka ni wa mou ~ He didn't manage to learn anything and he was bored out of his mind. Thankfully, his father soon came to the rescue. He'd obviously noticed that something was off and like every good, concerned parent he came to talk to Eiri. He thought that puberty was hard enough as it was and if he could help Eiri or lessen his pain, he would do a great thing many parents didn't accomplish. "What's going on?" he asked his troubled son. "Nothing." "I know something's up. Maybe I can help you..." "You can't." Eiri's sullenness and refusal to cooperate never failed to make an appearance. But he wouldn't be a successful parent if he didn't manage to establish communication with his child. So he fought. "All right. Then please tell me what it is that troubles you because if I can't help you, then I'm fairly sure I've never encountered a problem of such proportions, and you know very well that I absolutely have to expand my knowledge of life," he told his son as he sat down on the ground. Long sentences always brought Eiri to life because he wanted to understand them. His guess was right. Eiri looked up and scanned his dad's face, then dropped his eyes again and returned to the old puzzle he was fiddling with. His hands seemed to shake a bit when he moved the pieces, but Frank decided to ignore it for the time being. The key was to find out what was going pear shaped in his son's life and he would be damned if he didn't manage to help his boy. "Have you ever been disappointed?" Eiri asked after a while, his voice barely above a whisper. "A number of times, actually." "Yes, but really, really disappointed...?" His eyes shone with tears in the making. "I think so, yes." "Tell me about it." Stabbing in the dark, Frank decided to give his son a lesson disguised as a story, hoping that it would fit just right with whatever sort of disappointment Eiri was experiencing. "When I was your age I had this wonderful lecturer at school. She was somebody I idolized heavily, somebody who inspired me and taught me things about life that I couldn't learn in other classes or through my peers. She taught English, so whenever we had a book to read we would have a few classes for discussion. She always shared her wisdom and open-mindedness with us during those discussions. It was only when I was older that I realised it was an error, because those who lead the discussion aren't really supposed to express their opinions. Nevertheless, she taught me plenty and I loved her for it. As I grew older, I started noticing things about her. My hormones ensured that I would notice her physically around my puberty, but what troubled me was the fact that I found her mind more appealing than anything else." There was a short interruption at the door when Eiri's mom came to check on them, but she was gone immediately and they resumed their conversation. "Soon, I started creating this elaborate image of what I experienced with my lecturer on daily basis. Whatever she did or said made her look like a goddess worthy of eternal admiration. I went as far as to clip her picture from a picture book that I found in the school library! It was a crazy thing! So imagine my disappointment when, one day, she came to teach us and started yelling at us and calling us names! I'd never seen her like that before. I was shocked to see such a moderate, well-mannered lady scream like a banshee, and curse worse than a sailor! Suddenly, we were animals, morons, and all sorts of other things that weren't flattering in the least. She yelled so loud and for so long that a few other lecturers banged on the walls for her to calm down. It was then that she got all of us to stand up and started questioning us on advanced material. Naturally, no one had any idea what it was that she was asking, much less how to answer it. So we got a lot of bad marks and I got a horrible experience to commit to memory when she called on me. It was cruel, not only because my favourite lecturer, my idol, insulted me, but she humiliated me too. And in front of the whole class, when she laughed at something I'd said in a desperate attempt to win back her good grace... That was the moment my whole fantasy shattered. When the day was over, the only thing I could think of was that I wanted to forget everything about it! I wanted the day gone, like it never happened. But it stayed with me..." Eiri's eyes had got wide and focused, and that was a clue enough that he should continue. "Later on we learned that she'd had an awful day herself, which was why she acted the way she did. But, for a lecturer, mixing up private life with professional conduct in the classroom is simply inexcusable. When I went to school, I didn't bring in the problems I had at home! Instead, I focused on learning new things and learning how to deal with people better. School can be a very good place to learn about that too. So, it was extremely disappointing to learn that she wasn't the flawless goddess I'd dreamed up in the wee hours. She was a human too, and she had flaws like everybody else. The mistake in the classroom was a proof of that. But, you know, Eiri, there was something else far more disappointing than what she did. I learned that I'd disappointed myself more than she ever could have! Because, basically, we only have ourselves to live with, and if we can't deal with that, then we should hold no hope for the future... I'd disappointed myself by believing that some humans are better than others, just because they impressed me at a given moment. I can't say it didn't happen again. It happened two more times, but I was prepared by then. I knew what to expect -- when the feelings of betrayal and hurt came to me, especially at night. I'd lay down, completely awake, and flay myself for having said, done or believed in the wrong things. It's a horrible experience, but it's part of what makes life, life. I want you to understand and memorise this, because it's going to help you a lot." Eiri nodded and Frank truly felt like he needed a drink. "Now, I don't know if your trouble is anything like mine was, but I think that you can find just what you need in my words. If I'm wrong, then I apologize to you in advance. I've kept you long enough as it is, so I'll just go have a drink now. You know, I have this awfully boring report to write for tomorrow and I'm really feeling like doing anything but! Oh well. Adult life, adult responsibilities," he babbled as he made his way to the door. "Good night, Eiri." "Good night, dad." He closed the door softly, mindful of his son's fragility. ~ kareru hana ano koro no you ni mou ichido dake de ii kirei ni sakitakute kono yoru ni kokoro mo risou mo yami ni toke komu semete konya dake demo ~ *~*