Chapter 1 - A Typical Day, NOT!
It started out being a typical Saturday for me except my foster parents were going to visit Jack’s older brother in a town about one hundred and sixty miles from us. His brother being much older has very little tolerance for teens especially if they happen to be gay.
Well, I can’t blame him, because I have very little tolerance for bigoted old people with tiny brains.
“Josh, Jack and I are leaving now. Are you sure you are going to be alright being alone here until tomorrow evening. Are you sure you don’t want to invite one of your friends over?”
“I’ll be fine, Mary,” I said and if I had any friends I would definitely invite them over but I wasn’t going to say that. “If I get lonely I'll ask Tony to come over.”
“Alright honey, love you.”
“Yeah, sure you do,” I muttered so she couldn’t hear me. She doesn’t even know who Tony is. They’re just glad to be away from me. But then I don’t blame them. I’m sort of a sucky person to be around and they’ve had to put up with me for two years.
“Have a good time,” I said so she could hear.
Actually, they are okay people better than my bio-parents.
I heard the front door close. I was alone except for Tony. Tony, like me, was in the closet. Really! He’s in my closet sitting on a shelf – he’s my teddy bear that I’ve had since I was born. I change his name from time to time for no particular reason.
The only persons who I’ve discussed my sexual orientation with are my foster parents and my case worker Ms. Jackson who thankfully removed me from the environment of an abusive set of parents once I was hospitalized.
Oh yeah, the first person I told was Tony, except then his name was Rupert T Bayer. Other than those I’ve mentioned above, no one else knows, so I am in the closet so to speak. I tried coming out once and that’s when I got hospitalized. You know the saying ‘once bitten twice shy’. For me it’s ‘once beaten twice ain’t gonna happen’.
I keep to myself. I’m a loner, a recluse, even though I go to school. I’m not invisible by any means. In school I just have an attitude and that keeps people at bay. I do have a reputation for being someone not to mess with.
Mr. James, my history teacher who must be a hundred years old says I remind him of James Dean. Whatever! I actually knew who he – James Dean was because I watched the movie “Rebel Without a Cause” while I was recouping in the hospital.
One day at school, I saw some asshole bullying a rather cute but effeminate boy. I kicked his ass (the asshole not the cute effeminate boy). And when the boy tried to thank me, I told him to fuck off, never cross my path or he’d end up like the asshole and I didn’t need his thanks. He probably had the hots for me. I was most assuredly cold to him after that.
Some girl who was his friend was staring at me. I said to her, “You can fuck off too. I don’t care what you think and your friend needs to get a backbone, grow some balls instead of being a wus.” Actually, I said pussy not wus.
It’s helpful that I’m pretty good at karate. I don’t go to karate any more even though I still practice every day for three hours. It does me good because my bod is well toned and I only eat organic foods – I got that from the foster parents.
If you think I’m weird well I only have one thing to say to you – go fuck yourself!
In PE we had to play some stupid basketball game. I’m fucking short. Five feet four inches when you’re fifteen is fucking short. When I turned to walk back to the locker room the coach told me I was going to play. I told him to fuck off.
He told me too go run laps until I decided to play. I sneered at him and went to run laps outside on the track. He asked me where I was going I told him if I was going to run laps I was going to use the school’s 400 meter track. He waved me on. I ran the whole period.
Since that day I run the track every PE period instead of playing games. He’s tried to talk to me and I just walk off. He assigns me detention I don’t go. I got a F from him – I wasn’t upset, all my other grades were A’s.
Sometimes I put up the hurdles then run. He had the audacity to ask me if I would join the track team because I am probably the fastest runner in the county. I didn’t say a word merely held up my hand to indicate he should wait. I went to my locker, pulled out a copy of my report card which clearly showed all A’s and one F and returned to the coach.
I pointed to the F in case the dummy didn’t see it. “This is my answer – F – FUCK NO, you can cram your track team up your fat ass.”
He got pissed – I think if he could have hit me, he would have. Maybe he had heard of my reputation. He sent me to the principle. I got a one day in school suspension. In school suspension is the dumbest idea yet! For me it was just an all day studyhall. I got totally caught up and then some.
In chemistry, I got assigned a lab partner - one of those less than intelligent jocks who thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He started to say something. I interrupted him, “I’m not interested in anything you have to say, so keep quiet. I’ll do the work and you sit there and try to follow, or sit there and jack off. I don’t give a fuck. I’m here to get an A not converse with some less than intelligent jock.”
It pissed him off but he knew I - we’d get an A if he just went along with me and kept out of my way. Besides, he knew I was someone not to mess with. I had my reputation.
Of course people talked about me behind my back. I think most think I’m a psycho. I’m not, I hope. I just don’t want to get involved with people because it will only end in disappointment and hurt for me.
In classes that count, I’m pleasant to the teachers and often enter intelligent conversations when requested by the teacher, but as soon as some kid thinks they are breaking through my barriers, I show my attitude and that usually scares them off. No one likes getting me as a partner on a project. That cute effeminate boy that tried to make friends was assigned me as a partner. He was delighted at first. I put on my usual attitude. He told me I was an arrogant prick.
"Good observation penis breath, you're right I am arrogant and I am also 100% hetero," I lied, "and quite frankly I still think you're a pussy. I can't work with you cuz I can't stand your wimpiness. I'll do the work for this project. I'll guarentee us an 'A' just keep out of my sight and away from me."
His fag hag approached me the next day and told me I was an asshole because he just want to be a friend. "You're right I was an asshole to him," I told her calmly, "I don't need a friend and you needn't worry he'll get an 'A' on the project."
I did get us an 'A'. He tried to thank me. I turned and walked away without even acknowledging his presence.
When I feel safe and that’s always when I’m alone I like singing, dancing and pretending that life is wonderful and full of love and happiness. This morning was one of those times. The rents were gone and I had the house to myself. I’d just finished watching a movie that I’d seen a thousand times, ‘Peter Pan’. Not the Disney one; the one with that really cute boy Jeremy something I think. I’ve kissed the TV screen a thousand times pretending that Peter loves me. Silly, I know, but he’s my hero - Peter Pan, not the actor, Jeremy whatever. The actor’s probably some homophobic dude who is so full of himself that he wouldn’t give a person like me the time of day.
I wish the real Peter were here, but he’s not. I know he doesn't really exist. I decided to go for a run and went into my closet to get my sweats.
I’m sitting on a rocky cliff that overlooks a sea.
How did I get here?
I have no idea. I heard a weird sound coming from my closet while I was singing ‘Clocks’ in my room along with Coldplay on my mp4 player. You know the part where they go “yooooou ahhh yooooou ahhh ”. Well that was the part I was singing when I walked into my closet. It felt really cold and the next thing I knew I was standing in front of that sign over there that says ‘Dragon’s Tail – the land ends’. Duh! I can see that.
I’ve felt my head several times and there is not a lump from getting hit on the head, and I don’t have a headache or any pains except when I pinched myself several times. If I’m dreaming, I’m really glad I’m wearing clothes. I’ve had those dreams where I suddenly realize I’m naked and what’s worse I’m at school! I keep putting my hands in my pockets just to make sure.
I looked down the shear cliff face at the waves crashing against the jagged rocks below. “I am glad I’m here” I said thinking that it would have been bad if I’d arrived here down there on the jagged rocks below.
I moved back a few feet from the edge. My mp4 player is playing ‘An Angel’ sung by Declan Galbraith – he’s a hottie from England, Ireland or someplace like that. I start singing with the song while looking out to the ocean. I was singing loud but it didn’t matter, I was by myself. This song usually brings tears to my eyes and this time was no exception. I’m guessing that’s really gay but that’s me when I’m alone.
As the song comes to an end, I sense someone or something behind me. I turn slowly after wiping my tears away.
“What the fuck! Okay, now I know I’m dreaming,” I say quietly to myself as there is a six foot tall dragon standing there looking at me. It’s not as big as I would have thought dragons would be. It has a tear rolling down its sort of greenish-gray reptilian face. It sure looks real.
“Gladimere, that was so beautiful. Are you elfin? You sort of look elfin except for your ears – too round. Were you singing to Zeek? I hope so, he really needs someone like you,” said the dragon.
I think I’ve gone crazy. I fainted.