Dreams. Always an experience to enchant the senses and soothe the mind. At least when they're pleasurable ones.
I'm surprised that my unconscious mind even remembers what the sun looks like anymore. What that gentle warmth felt like falling lightly on my skin. The brightness, the colors, the soft shadows it would create. It's all a faded memory now. But in this dream, it seemed twice as real.
I remembered coming to this house one day after school. Patrick was still getting used to driving his grandfather's car, his newly acquired driver's license placed proudly at the front of his wallet. Mr. Talbot wasn't going to be home until late that night, and Patrick and I wanted to spend every second of that opportunity together. We had been dating for maybe a month at the time, and had only had sex two or three times. Sometimes it's hard to find time, place, and privacy, when you're only 16 years old. But this was our moment, and our eyes connected at every stoplight. Our love bubbled over and we were anxious to be able to let go of the act and let our bodies mingle and express what they truly felt once again. God....I was so hard that I'm surprised that I even made it to Patrick's house without exploding. He was looking so beautiful that afternoon that I was brathless by the time I reached the door.
When we had entered he house, and he kissed my lips...I was in a daze. I slid my hand up to gently twist my fingertips in his soft blond curls. Shining like a thin morning mist on a blanket of silk. His eyes were beyond amazing. You could see your reflection in them if you were close enough. And when we kissed? Sighhh...his lips and tongue were magic. They knew just how to mold to whatever morphing emotion you had running through you at the moment. And they kept up the pace, relieving your every pain, solvng your every problem. His hands would grip my hips firmly, and he would enjoy the kiss so much that he would softly moan to himself....the vibrations tickling my lips with the sensation. I loved the taste of him. Nobody could kiss like Patrick could. Nobody. Every part of him was amazing.
We undressed together, hardly wanting to stop our lip lock long enough to get our clothes off. His body wasn't chisled from stone. No, not hardly. It was more like the kind of soft supple curves of a mold of warm clay. Every inch was as tender as the kiss lingering on his lips. With a small oval belly button, just shallow enough to get your pinky inside. I used to dig around in it with my fingertip just to see him giggle and slap my hand away. He had small blond tufts of hair under his arms, and a small bush above his privates that looked like he groomed it daily, even though he never had to touch it. Not once. Everything else was peach fuzz. The kind of thin silky hair that you would expect to find on a 12 year old's legs. No matter how hard I searched with both my eyes and my tongue, I couldn't find a single flaw on his naked body anywhere. Not a single bruise or blemish. Not a freckle, not a pimple, not a scar, not a scratch. Just the taste of his scent, and warmth of his body heat being pressed firmly against my cheek. He was more than just beautiful...he defined beautiful. It was a permanent part of his aura. And to have something that amazing love you so unconditionally...at only 16 years old...was overwhelming beyond belief.
Laying across Patrick's back, lightly kissing his neck and shoulders...it's one of the most erotic memories of my life. His body molded to mine so perfectly. Two pieces of a puzzle. My key to his lock, as his snug entrance gripped me tightly, holding me inside. Suckling at my hardness like a baby calf as I pushed further into his tightness, the heated walls of his insides creating a fever that consumed my entire body all at once. Pulling out until his grip had almost lost its constricted grasp of me...pushing in until I could feel his ring quivering gently around the base of my shaft, his firm cheeks pushed up against my lap, preventing me from sinking in any further. And then out again. Our lovemaking was slow, and steady, and quiet with the exception of the most desperate of whimpers from an overload of passion. How I held out for more than a few strokes, I'll never know. But while it only lasted for a short while, our sensual coupling always felt like eternity. And just as we came down from one orgasm, we would kiss and touch and cuddle one another until we were ready for more. Here in these walls. In this basement where I slept during the day. I was so alive back then. So alive....
My eyes slowly opened after that. Once again, finding myself surrounded by darkness. There was no sunshine here. No loving glances at a stoplight. No undressing in front of someone whose eyes were dedicated to absorbing every detail as it came into view. No tender roll of the hips as I connected to the most beautiful boy on Earth. That didn't exist here. I didn't want it to exist here. Because...while I miss the light...I would never want to risk pulling that beauty into the darkness with me. That would be a loss. An unforgivable loss. He doesn't belong here. There is only death and vengence in this life. There isn't room for much beauty any more, no matter how hard it tries to push it's way back into my heart.
I knew that Patrick was in the bed behind me. I could feel his weight forming the familiar dip in the mattress. I didn't dare move. I could never understand how he foun the tolerance and th patience to deal with me. How he could be so angry with me, so unbelievably hurt by me...and yet....he loved me so much, that he would risk his emotions by coming down into this stuffy old basement and curl up beside me once again. He would hold me, and comfort me, and no doubt, greet me with a smile when he awoke. I turned my head slightly to get a closer look at him. His eyes were closed, his lips parted slightly. It took everything I had to not lean forward and kiss him. His beauty was like an inescapable vat of quicksand sometimes. No matter how much you struggled with your own feelings, it was impossible to run from it, to look away from it, to deny it. He was love personified, and he had me so trapped. Even if he was so blissfully unaware of it.
"I know you're awake." He said, letting a small grin cross is lips before opening his eyes. "You're cold when you sleep. You're not cold anymore." He ran his hand over my chest, and I took that hand and kissed his fingers gently.
"I knew you were awake too. Your breathing is different. Your heartbeat is faster." I confessed.
"So why didn't you say anything?"
"Sometimes....I just like to look at you. That's all. It's comforting...just watching you exist." I said.
I think the comment touched him, as a flash of boyish bashfullness caused him to blush with the sweetest of smiles. He scooted forward in the bed, and lightly kissed me on the lips. "Thank you, Luke." He said sincerely. We kissed once again, and he whispered, "I love you."
He rolled over slowly, crawling on top of me, and resting, what I could now feel was his fully naked body, in between my legs. He supported himself on his elbows, smiling down at me as his hands played with my long blond hair on both sides of my head. My hands instinctively went to his sides, sliding up and down slowly, feeling the warmth of his smooth skin. They moved down to rest on the small of his back as our lips touched, and our tongues tenderly slid past one another with a sigh. My fingertips could feel the rise of his small round globes, and my hands slid further down to grip the smooth buns fully. I pulled him into me as my hips raised up to meet him, crushing his growing hardness against me. And we just....'reconnected' for a while. No sex, other than the gyration of his hips against mine. Just a moment for two bodies to rediscover their rhythm, and the joy of knowing that these moments were golden. No one would ever be able to take them from us. Not even in death.
An hour had passed by in a flash. We needed to breathe again. I stayed on the very edge of a powerful climax the whole time, but never went over. My God, how I wanted to finish. But as I secretly looked over at the clock...I knew that destiny was calling me again. My smile faded, my afterglow was washed away, and suddenly I was reminded why being this close to Patrick as so dangerous at this point. Why his love and his sex and his beauty and his voice was such a weakness for me. I can't lead him on this way. Into thinking that things had changed. Or that they could ever stay the same.
It was just so easy to lose myself in the fantasy again. Almost as easy as it was to lose myself to the hatred in my heart. Two sides of the same coin...only one side with a possible future.
I was almost afraid to move. Patrick's arm was across my chest, his body pressed up against my side...occassionally placing angelic kisses on my neck. If I got up now...if I made any attempt to leave...he'd know where I was going. And we'd be right back to fighting again. I didn't want that. I wanted everything to be ok. I wanted him to understand, and to support, and to help me through this. Maybe having him mad at me is the only way for that to happen.
"I was thinking...." He said, hugging me close. "...I have some money saved up, and there's the tuition and financial aid that I'm getting to go to school right after the summer is over. I can find a way to cash that in. Maybe....m-maybe we could find ourselves a place. Away from here, I mean."
I was confused. "Find a place? What do you mean, find a place? Find a place for what?"
"For us." He replied. I could tell that he was a bit nervous bringing it up. There was a tremble in his voice. "I mean, we could get a small apartment somewhere, and set up one room where we could blacken the windows and keep the sunlight out during the day. I could..."
"What?" He asked, and I didn't answer at first, so he said it louder. "What?"
"Stop, ok?" I said softly.
"Luke, I have this all worked out. We could go to a less populated area. A place where everybody minds their own business and you don't have to hide out so much. It's just...it's something to think about....for later."
"You're not hearing me, Patrick. There's not going to be a 'later'. Don't you understand that?" It was slipping through my fingers again. The dream, the warmth, the light. Dissolving into the air around me. "My work is almost done. And then it's over."
"I know what you said, but...what if I came with you? What if...we just went somewhere so we could be together instead? Somewhere that would give me time to be with you."
"You couldn't be with me, Patrick. It wouldn't work."
And thats when he said something that hurt me to hear. "I could....if I was like you. If...you let me crossover. You could turn me. We could exist on he same plane." I instantly sat up in bed and looked at him in shock. "Wait! Wait....before you go giving me any lectures on this...just hear me out..."
"There's nothing to 'hear out', Patrick! The answer is NO!"
"I'm NOT a baby, Luke! Do you think I'm just doing his on a whim? I've been thinking about it ever since you came up with this stupid plan, and I know exactly what it means."
"No, no you don't know what it means. ANY of it!"
"Yes I DO! It means sacrificing everything I have...for everything I love." He told me with tears in his eyes. "And when I die, I can't take everyhing I 'have' with me. I'd rather be a part of something more. I'd rather be with you."
"Patrick.....please....listen to me, ok? You have a chance. You have a 'life'. Do you have any idea how precious that is? Do you know how much I would give to have my life back?"
"You don't have the choice to go back. But I have the choice to go forward. And I want to take it."
I stood up from the bed and quickly pulled on some clothes. "No....you don't want this. You don't want any part of what I've become."
"I'm already a part of what you've become, Luke. I know that I exist somewhere in that cold heart of yours. No matter how much you pretend that it's dead and gone, I can see my love for you reflected in your eyes, and it's calling out to me. You want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you. We have been like soulmates since the first day we met, and nothing has changed." He sniffled, and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as I turned my back to him. The emotion welled up in my throat, and I couldn't hold it back any longer. Patrik sobbed, "Why won't you let me DO this? Why are you purposely pushing me away?"
"Do you know what it's like? Feelng the life leave your body? Knowing that someone is draining your very essnce from you while you're powerless to fight back? Do you know what it's like...to beg for your life...while the only people to hear it are laughing at you?" I cried. "I remember those convulsions. And the dryness in my mouth. And the struggle to hold on to my consciousness, because I knew that if I fell asleep...there'd be no waking up again. Ever. It's wrong Patrick. It's SICK!"
"Baby..." He said, placing his hand on my cheek. "...They TOOK your life from you. They murdered you against your will, and your resurrection was a fortunate accident. You're not them. You're not stealing anything from me. You'll be giving me a whole new life. One we can share together. Forever." I turned away from him, but he hugged me from behind, laying his head on my shoulder. "Don't you think I regret not having been with you that night? Don't you realize that I think about it all the time? If I hadn't been sick, if I had gone with you that night...they might have chosen someone else. They might have picked another victim, and you and I would both be making plans on how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Every time I look at you, I feel guilty for not being there to protect you. For letting you go off and never once contemplating the idea that you might not ever come home again." He said, hugging me closer. Why is he doing this? Why now? "I cried for weeks when my father brought you home. If you had died during your crossover, I would have died with you. I wouldn't have been able to survive it. Not at all." I held back a few sniffles of my own. "But you're HERE now. You have another chance. And so do I. We can do this. I know we can. Just...let me be a part of your world again. That's all I ask. It's so lonely in life without you here. So lonely. Let me come with you, Lucas. Please?"
It was more than a panic that I felt inside of me this time. More than the frantic scramble for survival, more than the anger needed to fight an attacker, more than the horror of remembering the details of my own demise. This was a complete emotional shut down, and even though it hurt, even though it threatened to swallow my soul...knowing that he was safe and alive meant more to me than anything. Even more than what was left of my humanity. "I'm...I'm sorry, Patrick. But you can't follow me where I'm going. Not this time." I cried when I said it. It felt like the most painful of goodbyes. I didn't have much time left, I knew that. And so did he...even if he didn't allow himself to believe it. But this was the last time that I'd ever be close to him again. Tonight was our last kiss...I could tell. Our last time to be together, to share a loving smile, or to touch one another in an intimate way. I wouldn't be able to take it any further than this without breaking down myself. And if I was going to complete my mission, serving the one purpose that I have left...then I was going to have to let love go.
Not just for me. But for the both of us.
As I slowly dried my eyes, and reached over to put on my shirt...I turned to see Patrick standing there, an emotional hole ripped through him, but standing strong nonetheless. And in his hands, he was holding my saber. Presenting it to me with a trembling hand. I reached for it, watching his eyes. And I asked him, "Do you understand?"
But he shook his head. And replied, "No....I submit." There was a moment between us where there was nothing to say. The air came to a standstill, and we silently brought a level of our relationship to an end. A level that we may never reach again. The moment I took that saber from him, I was going to be making the choice to leave him behind. And that made it difficult, but no less necessary. So with a gentle lift, I took the weapon from him, and nodded in agreement for his terms. Our silent farewell was complete. And vengence...is all I have. "Good luck, 'Cylance'. Come home safe." He said, calling me by the name of a boy he didn't recognize anymore, and left me to prepare myself. Goodbye Patrick. I'll miss you too...with all the heart I have left.
That night seemed especially cold once I was surrounded by it again. I left the house as I always did. Took the same walk to the end of the sidewalk. Stopped at the same street. But this time....everything felt different. And as I looked back at the old Talbot house...I noticed a single light on in an upstairs window. Patrick's silhouette watched me sadly from behind the glass for a moment, then he used his finger to slowly draw the shape of a heart in the condensation on the surface. With tears on his face, he bravely straightened up, and mouthed the words..."I love you always."
And just as I turned away from him, my head down, my shoulders slumped forward...I whispered my reply to myself where he couldn't see it. "I love you too, sweetheart. For the rest of my life...and forever beyond." It was that lingering thought that I kept with me as I walked to the edge of that long dark street...all alone.
My pace didn't pick up until blocks later, when my footsteps seemed to fall heavy on the cement beneath me. My feet felt like they were gripping the sidewalk with a new sense of determination, an angry stride propelling me forward, faster and faster, until my hair began to lightly blow backwards from the wind resistance, my trenchcoat flared out on both sides. My eyes focused on the path ahead, and I found myself unconsciously gritting my teeth. Balling my fists. Wrinkling up my brow in an unnatural frown. Echoes of Patrick's painful words ran through my mind nonstop...and somehow, that sorrow, that despair, filled me with more rage filled energy than I could have ever imagined. It burned inside of me, hotter with every step. And I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, then when I met up with Barry tonight...he was going to pay dearly for what I was feeling. I was going to put him down extra hard, and whittle away at the intense hatred boiling in my veins. Prepare yourself, boy.....I am coming!
I took no transportation that night. I walked the entire way without any sign of fatigue. I didn't speak to a single person on the street, or even notice them, for that matter. I simply kept walking, without breaking stride once, even to cross the street. Entire groups of people had to step aside to make way for me and the anger I was carrying with me. I was practically daring someone to stand in my way. Hoing that they would make a sarcastic comment, bump into me, or do anything in an attempt to stand between me and my target. I was itching for it! And I think the humans on the street could sense that as they parted like the Red Sea as I walked among the masses. When I got to the bowling alley...my wrath had reached the levels of madness. And I was willing to TEAR THE FUCKING WALLS DOWN to find my prey for the evening!!!
Upon entering the place, I saw a party atmosphere that I didn't expect right off the bat. The place was even flashier than I thought it would be. The lights were low, and there were humans all over the place. There was loud dance music playing, and there were giant video screens at the end of the bowling lanes showing music videos. Disco balls spun a dizzying pattern of lights all along the floor, and there were video games, bars, and hot dog vendors serving up nachos and assorted junkfood. The entire place was vibrant and popping...the kind of place I didn't expect a vampire to enjoy. Especially when surrounded with a species that we could only really enjoy as a source of 'food'. Then again, knowing Barry...he probably loved being this close to such a buffet of delights.
I marched my way through the building, passing lane after lane of bowling. There had to be at least 50 of them in a row, each one full of half liquored up bowlers with grins on their faces. But Barry was sadly mistaken if he thought that being in such a highly populated area was going to stop me from mercilessly slaughtering him in front of every smiling face in here. I'm not leaving until his blood splashes the walls! I gripped my saber as I worked my way through the crowd, my face fixed in a snarl, and the memory of Patrick's last tears running through my mind. I walked even faster, as the very beginnings of a warm flare began to heat up my right bicep. The notebook was right...he's here. He's in the building. I'm close. Sooo close. I scanned the room, hoping to catch sight of him, angrily shoving humans aside as I tried to hurry forward. I didn't even hide my eyes as they began to turn blood red, my fangs shooting down from the top of my gums in anticipation. My thoughts were flooded with images of hurting him beyond descriptions...and those thoughts wre further fueled by the pain of having to tell Patrick that I couldn't be with him. That he couldn't be with me. They had taken EVERYTHING from me! And now...they've taken him as well. Their mere existence has destroyed the one thing that I could truly call my own. The one thing that I just knew would last forever. Ohhhh...ripping him open is going to be extremely satisfying tonight!
The burn in my arm heated up even more, and I pushed my way through the crowd even faster. Knocking drinks and food out of people's hands while they whined and complained about my rudeness. And as I traveled towards the last few bowling lanes at the end of the building...I saw a small cluster of random vampires all huddled together on one lane. Actually playing a game. Three girls, four boys....and one other. Barry. He had his arms stretched out over the back of the seating area behind the scoring machine, two young vampire girls sitting next to him. He was grinning from ear to ear, enjoying himself...enjoying a sip of liquor that he had scored from the bar somehow. Him and his little band of merry men were about to get a big surprise. One that was long overdue.
"Whooooo! YEAH BABY!" Was what he said once he slipped his fangs out of my flesh and left me to bleed to death in that alley. That's how happy he was to have murdered me. It was like I could hear his voice thundering in the back of my mind. "DAMN! This boy is SWEET! You ain't far from being a virgin, are ya kid?" He said! He was LAUGHING the whole FUCKING time!!! "Fuck, man! You hit the kid pretty hard! Hehehe, he's wasting our 'dinner' all over the street!" Thanks for being such an asshole, Barry! Because that personality flaw is going to make you the sweetest kill yet!
I walked over behind the place where he was sitting...and without warning, I grabbed him by digging my fingernails into the front of his fucking throat! He barely had a chance to gasp for air before I dragged him over the back of the seat nd slammed him onto the floor! The girls he was sitting with had no time to react as he disappeared right in front of their eyes, and by the time the first scream pierced the air, I was already kicking Barry with everything that I had and stomping the living SHIT out of him! My body released the rage like never before, now using the panic in my stomach, using the pain in my heart, as a focused weapon that simply wasn't equipped to 'take prisoners' this time. When I stomped down on Barry's face, nearly breaking his jaw, I couldn't help but smile!
"What the fuck, man?!?!" One of his lame friends ran over to push me away from him. "What the hell is your PROBLEM???" But I didn't lose my grin for more than a second. That was all it took to draw the saber from my side, and slash him across his face, splitting his left cheek in half before reattaching it to my hip.
More screams flooded the air as more people in the bowling alley began to notice what was going on. A symphony to my ears. The soundtrack for this ass whipping, which, I'm happy to say...was FAR from over! As Barry struggled to get to his feet, I pushed his friend aside by shoving my hand against his heavily bleeding face and ramming it into a nearby rack. I stared Barry down for a moment, allowing him to get his balance, before rushing forward again. This time, I didn't catch him by surprise, however, and as I jumped forward, he caught me in mid air and threw me against the wall. I slammed into it hard enough for a dusting of plaster to shower me as I hit the floor, and was barely able to get to my feet before he was on me again. We both threw punches hard enough to shatter concrete, brawling like angry wolves over the last piece of fresh meat. I nearly cracked my wrist when I connected a hard blow to Barry's eye, feeling the skull bones around the eye socket shatter like glass. He reeled from the punch, only to grab my neck with both hands and squeeze. He lifted me off of my feet and shook me, cutting off my oxygen and turning my face red.
It was then that I noticed security guards rushing towards us from the other end of the building. Things are about to get interesting.