He stared into my eyes with the sexiest smile I had ever witnessed, whispering softly, "Does this bother you?" I shook my head gently, jittery and trembling in anticipation to find out what was coming next. "Are you sure? You seem...tense." He knew exactly what he was doing to me. At this point, every word he spoke was an irresistable tease to my wanton spirit. He already knew that he was holding the forbidden fruit, all he had to do was reel me in close enough to take a bite.
"I'm just...just a bit nervous..." I mumbled, but he put his finger to my lips to hush me.
"Come on. Let's get away from these lights for a little bit. Get some privacy." He said, and he walked backwards with his hands laying lightly on my shoulders, guiding me deeper and deeper into the woods. Sebastian subliminally lured me out further and further into the darkness. Small twigs snapping under our feet as we left the vibrations of the party behind and traveled out into our self made safehaven. We could still hear the music pounding away in the distance, but only faintly. We were well out of the party's sight. And yet, in the darkness surrounding us, the obsidian shadows created by the intimidating height of the forrest's trees, I could still see his grin as he pulled me even further into the abyss. I was fully hard at this point. Erect to the point where it almost ripped through my jeans, trying to get just a taste of Sebastian's angelic aura. But I didn't care if it was sticking out lewdly in front of me. HE didn't seem to care either. And my heart bounced joyfully at the freedom of finally being one with what I desired most. FINally being able to let my true feelings show, and release myself into the embrace of another boy. "You ok?" He said grinning, finally coming to a stop in a small clearing.
"Uh huh." I nodded with an infatuated giggle. And it was then, with a gentle pressure, that he put my back against a tree...and leaned into me. I'll never forget that night. I'll never let that enchanting moment fade from my memory. My whole body felt like it was on fire. The sexual excitement in the air was so thick that you could swim in it. He put his hands on the tree, positioned on either side of my head, and stepped closer until his smooth flat tummy was touching mine. Navel to navel. My knees were soooo weak, but I didn't dare fall. The tree held me up, and I quaked with the anxiety of knowing that he was so close. But he didn't kiss me right away. No. He peered into my eyes, even in the dark, with the faintest of lights flickering from the edge of the cliff in the distance. It was barely enough to see the magnificence of his beauty, but traces of it still graced my eyes as he baited me with swift glimpses his tantalizing smile. He leaned forward and rubbed his face against mine. Cheek to cheek. Slowly. Sensually. Up and down, breathing softly into my ear. He let the tip of his nose slide across my cheek, only to give me a sweet kiss on my ear lobe. I was breathing so hard that I could hear it in the air around me. I didn't know what to do. My mind was so enraptured, my heart so overworked, my body so excited...I was unable to comprehend the level of pleasure I was feeling.
All that could be heard was our labored breathing, drowning out the party behind us. And when he pushed himself further into me, I almost exploded. "Mmmmm...nnggh.." I moaned outloud without even knowing it, soft whimpers escaping my throat as he pressed himself against me. My arms instinctively reached out to hug him tightly, running my hands up and down his sleek backside. Feeling his shape, his line, his curve. I didn't know if it was too early to start touching him in places that I really craved. I didn't want this to end abruptly by moving too fast. So instead of reaching down to cup the warm tender cheeks of his ass, I let my hands work back up into the feather soft locks of his long brown hair. The silky feel of it caused me to whimper again, and he lowered his lips to the nape of my neck. It began with an angel's kiss against my skin, but after the second or third taste, he allowed his lips to linger. To moisten and gently suck at my neck with the most ticklish of sensations. My hands began to tangle in his hair, holding his head closer to me as his tongue licked out at my flesh. God...I had dreamed and I had fantasized...but I NEVER knew it could be like this. NEVER!
As my fingertips twirled through the brown fibers of his hair, my palms occassionally grazing his ears with their circular motion, he began to nibble at me harder. It caused me to giggle a bit, but I was still lost in the feel of his teeth biting gently at the tender skin. And then....he stopped. He looked at me, still pinned to the tree, and with a wide smile, he rubbed noses with me. "I hope that 'now' you can say you were having fun tonight." He grinned.
"Yeah....I am." I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his lips against mine sooooo badly. My whole body was sore from wanting him so much. But I just....didn't know how. He had been directing this whole thing, and now he had stopped. Looking me in the eye with that cute smile...close enough to feel his warm breath against my lips...wanting me to take the initiative.
"Kiss me, Wes." He said, and erotically pushed his hips further into me with a moan. "Don't hesitate. Feel what your body is telling you...and follow its vibe until you get what you want." I wanted to...but my body was frozen. Would I do it wrong? Do I close my eyes first? Do I close my eyes after? Tilt my head to the left? To the right? Awwww, why can't he just keep going and let me enjoy this before I mess it all up? "Hehehe, what's the matter?" HE said.
"Um...I've uhhh...I've never kissed anyone before." I said, blushing furiously but still grinning. His smile made me feel like such a geek. "I'm sorry, hehehe, I just..."
"Don't be." He said. "I'm surprised. You're so cute. I would have thought that you'd be a veteran at kissing by now."
"Yeah, well...I'm not."
"Here....let me talk you through it. Ok?" He said. And I got chills. Instant goosebumps from head to toe. He smiled so angelically, it made my heart sing. "Relax a bit." I did, letting out a deep sigh and putting my arms back down at my sides. "Ok...now...close your eyes." I didn't want to let him out of my sight...but did as I was told. Having my eyes closed in front of him made me giggle nervously again. "Hey. No laughing."
"Ok now...I'm gonna start slow, and you just stay relaxed." I couldn't see, but I could feel him leaning forward again. He kissed me tenderly on my forehead first. Then on my right cheek. Then again on my left cheek. Then the tip of my nose. And after that...I felt a slight pause. As he began leaning in again, I knew this was it. My FIRST kiss with a boy! My first kiss with ANYBODY! I braced myself, my whole body tensing up, and then...with the most delightful touch...impact.
I felt his lips push against my own, and as mindblowing as the experience was, as confusing and terrifying as I had made it out to be, everything was all natural from there. My head tilted easily to one side as our lips connected naturally, and my hands found their way to his shoulders. My eyes remained closed, but through our kiss I felt as though I could see every dimension of him. My head moved easily to lean in the other direction as he mirrored me with his kiss. He pressed in closer to me, and I hugged him tighter against my body as I felt his hips and round tight bottom grind me in slow circular movements. I had never been so lost in my immediate emotions. There were no more questions, no more secrets, no more doubts. Just the eternally gorgeous Sebastian, and the warm embrace between his soft thin lips and mine. I was so busy trying to remember every detail of this moment that I had almost forgotten to 'enjoy' it. I was SO damn elated! It took everything I had to keep from jumping up and down! I'm going to remember this night for the rest of my life.
We began making out pretty heavily, his tongue reaching out for mine. I thought it was so cute how he wanted to French kiss me, but made sure to take it slow so as not to startle me. He was gentle, and I appreciated that. My tongue wrapped itself around his, both of them experimentally sliding against one another. From my mouth and back into his. And then...he broke the liplock.
I was breathless. Absolutely BREATHLESS! I didn't want to stop. I couldn't stop! So when he looked me in the eye with that wicked sexy smile again, I leaned forward to kiss him hungrily on the lips. I had no reservations about making the first move this time. I was consumed by my current needs, and I wanted more. My tongue slid into his mouth instantly, and my fingers tangled themselves up in his hair again. He would only engage me for a few quick seconds of kissing, before playfully pushing away from me with a grin. He wouldn't say anything, just push away. Taking a few taunting steps back while still calling to me with the intense stare in his chocolate brown eyes. I moved forward again as he toyed with my passions. Pulling back, little by little, forcing me to make the leap in order to continue. Forcing me to be the aggressor. Drawing me out of my once protective shell. And after a few more seconds of cat and mouse, I had him pinned against the tree. Kissing him deeply, tongue erotically exploring the inside of his mouth, my hips rolling into him with a fever. I even let my hands slide down to grip the bubbled globes of his sweet tight ass and pull it hard against me. With my other hand, I let my fingers move up under his shirt, lifting it almost up to his chin as we kissed. I played with his erect nipples, letting them slide between the pace where my fingers connected. He must have liked that, because he doubled his efforts after feeling my hands on his chest. His moans and his movements caused me to whimper helplessly, increasing my passion even more. My first time....wow...my very first time. With a BOY too! The hottest damn teenage boy on the PLANET!!! Just thinking about it caused this warm sensation to wash over me, and excite me beyond reason. My orgasm was already at the gates, ready to charge forward. And as our kiss melted us into one solid entity, I prepared for one HELL of a wet explosion! My hands were all over him. His back, his hair, his neck, his chest, his ass. My lips were pressed hard to his and our smacking could be heard all over, I was sure of it. But I didn't care. I didn't stop. I could feel myself losing more and more of my discretion. More and more of my control. I was getting COMPLETELY carried away making out with Sebastian...and I LIKED it!
"Predictable." Came a voice from out of the darkness. Hearing the voice of someone else seemed to have stopped the entire world for a moment. My heart leapt up into my throat as my practiced heterosexual instncts suddenly BLAZED back into 'soldier' mode! I jerked myself away from my kiss with Sebastian, jumping back as though I could hide what we were just doing against that tree! I adjusted myself in the front as best as I could and fixed my hair at light speed, my mind already trying to come up with a million excuses and explanations. Already calculating the consequences of being found out, and wondering how long I had until it declined into the end of my life as I knew it. Shit! Shit shit SHIT! Who the fuck was walking around in the woods ANYWAY around here! Shit!
"Very subtle, Scout." Sebastian said calmly, while pulling his shirt back down over his smooth flat stomach and shaking his hair back to perfection with just a flick of his head. But what caught me most off guard about him addressing Scout was the way he said it. Fixing my eyes back on Sebastian, I saw his mood change instantly back to being the uncaring indifferent person he was before. His smile was gone, his loving gaze, his every attraction. And thus, our momentary love connection was broken.
I saw Scout walk out from between the trees, and Sebastian went about straightening the few wrinkles in his clothes. What had just happened here? Why is he suddenly so 'unaffected' by what we were doing a few seconds ago? It was like riding a rollercoaster and suddenly having it hit a brick wall. I felt duped. Left out in the cold without so much as a hint to tell me why. I mean...what happened? Sebastian....he was...he was being so cute, so sweet, so....so perfect. And he brought me out here. ME! And we were....well, I thought we were....having a good time. He was kissing me, I was kissing him. It was turning into something really awesome for me. And now? Now I don't know what to think. I will say this though...it hurt. Oh sweet JESUS, did it hurt! I was still standing there, still hard, still panting, still sweating...and he was just 'over it' in a snap. Like it didn't mean anything to him at all. Over it just as fast as he had instigated it moments ago on the beach.
"Cyrus wants us to meet him and the others on the edge of the cliff." Then Scout briefly looked me up and down as though he couldn't see what the big deal was about me. "Bring the kid with you." He said, and walked back through the trees withot another word. Excuse me? Did that 'kid' just call me a kid?
As Sebastian walked past me, I was hoping to get a second to whisper a few private words to him. Hoping that maybe we could pick up where we left off sometime later on. Wanting to let him know that even though we had gotten caught, I still liked him anyway, and wanted to see if we could take things further. If he'd have me. But...there were no offers made from him. No phone numbers traded, no lovely departing words, not a wink, not even a smile. All he said was, "Come on. This way." And kept walking. I almost expected him to take my hand again, to guide me as gently and as sweetly as he had coming up the cliff. But instead he walked forward without me, almost as if he didn't care if I followed him or not. A split second had passed, and he had already forgotten me. I felt dagger after hot bladed emotional dagger piercing me right through the chest as my body tried to wind down from the exhilirating high he had just given me. He took me to the very heights of my desire and above....and then...he dropped me onto the jagged rocks below. If I had had any common sense, I would have turned around and walked home. But again, I followed. The pull of my confusion concerning them was too strong to ignore, or even fight against. Not even my pride would allow me to turn away.
Scout and Sebastian both led me through the maze like forrest, walking quite a bit ahead of me while I silently ached and pouted a good ten to fifteen paces behind them. And eventually we made it all the way back out to the cliff overlooking Rainbow's End. Almost the same spot where I was sitting earlier when I had just arrived. The rest of the group was all lined up in thir respective positions, all of them sitting with their feet dangling over the edge. The only exceptions, of course, were the twins. They stood on either side of the line like security guards for the rest. As I walked closer, Cyrus turned his head and flashed me an evil grin, one reserved for a goblin from Hell. "Well, well, well...it looks like the gang's all here." He said. But I didn't approach. I stood back a little as I saw Scout and Sebastian walk over to sit at Cyrus' right and left side. "Come. Talk to us for a while." He asked.
I hesitated, not moving an inch from where I was standing. The rest of the teens all looked over their shoulders at me, almost in unison, as if to repeat his invitation. Standing there, I thought about the fight on the beach, and Cyrus trying to get me to drink. And I looked over at Sebastian, who seemed to have emotionally dismissed any and all attraction to me whatsoever, and felt another sting in the center of my heart. My feelings crumbled inside me. I don't know what it was about him that made me so sick with attraction. It was a quick infatuation at best for me, I suppose...but I wanted it. And I wanted him. And if given another few moments alone, I'd be at it again with him in a hearbeat. My emotions turned cold, and I resented him for hurtng me this way. I resented all of them for it. "I don't think so." I said, refusing to step closer. "I don't know if I can trust you anymore."
"You didn't know whether or not you could trust me in the first place." He said, laughing it off as though it were nothing. "Wesley...c'mon. Sit with us. 'Talk' with us. Check out this view of the party. It's glorious." Cyrus replied. But I was keeping my distance this time.
"I said, no." I repeated, and stood my ground. That seemed to get a higher focus from all of them, and I could have sworn that the very night around me suddenly got thick with an unspeakable tension. Still, Cyrus kept his grin.
"I'm sorry...did we...interrupt something special?" He said, looking over at Sebastian and back at me.
I stared into Sebastian's disinterested expression, wishing it wasn't so cold. And I said, "I guess not." I stared directly at Sebastian when I said it, and I know he got the signal. He just didn't care.
"Well then, don't be shy. I believe you've met everybody here at one time or another. So come on over, grab a seat..." Cyrus started, but I cut him off.
"I don't know what kinda game you're playing here, but I'm not into this shit. Leave me OUT of it!"
"What game is that, Wesley?" He said. I didn't answer right away, but he saw my stare briefly go back to Sebastian. Even though I was trying to show more disgust than suffering in my attitude. "What is it? The gay thing?" Cyrus asked, and it grabbed my attention instantly. "Don't worry about it. Homosexuals have been around long before you came along. We won't hate you for it. It's honest. It's who you are, Wes. You wanted it and you went after it. Be proud of yourself."
I felt a lump form in my throat. A tremble in my body from having them all know about me as I stand there...'exposed' all of the sudden. Outed in front of a bunch of strangers. He had been toying with my emotions from the very beginning. Bending them, stretching them, twisting them around his little finger in order to figure out what buttons to push. The anger that I felt building up inside me was almost enough to bring tears to my eyes. I grinded my teeth, balled my fists, squinted my eyes...I had enough. "You are sick. All of you are twisted. I'm outta here!" I said, turning to leave before I ended up choking the hell out them one by one.
"Wesley...." He called out playfully. "...You don't really want to leave, do you? Not while we're having so much fun." I turned around slowly, mad enough to punch a hole in the WORLD at that moment! "You said it best, man...fun is all about letting go."
"Leave me alone..."
"I'm trying to help you out here. Soon...all of this will make sense. But for now, just come to the edge, sit here next to me, and we'll talk." I didn't answer, my frustration clogging up every vein and artery with enough wet cement to turn me to stone. I just stared a burning hole through Cyrus' smiling face.
"You have no idea what you did to me tonight! You have NO clue as to how much you hurt me!" I shouted. But...in response, the entire GROUP laughed at me! Starting with a snicker, and then laughing outloud! A hearty laugh, with Cyrus at the very center, giggling away at the display of my misery! At that moment, I felt an angry tear fall from my eye, and I entertained thoughts of pushing them over the edge of that cliff! I wanted them DEAD! "FUCK YOU, CYRUS!!!" I screamed. And at that moment...I think I made contact with their so-called leader. Because his smile almost vanished. It dissolved right before my very eyes, and he looked at me almost as if in disbelief. I don't think the rest of the crew heard me, as they were still allowing the end of their chuckles and snickers fade out. But Cyrus heard me loud and clear.
"What?" He said, his face now adopting a serious glare. It was a quick transformation, but I stood my ground.
"You heard me." As Cyrus' face got even more grim in its appearance, the others stopped laughing.
"Wesley..." Cyrus said, now standing up from his seated position by the cliff. "...Let's keep this 'friendly' here." He used his stoic face and cold stare to warn me off, to keep my mouth shut and not say anything else. But I wasn't giving in. He had screwed me over TWICE tonight, and I wasn't going to take it anymore. "Now....like I said...come join us over here by the edge." This wasn't an invitation, this was more like a command. And that only succeeded in making my temper boil even hotter.
"You know what???" I said, holding back as much rage as I could while still speaking. "You obviously aren't taking the hint here...so let me spell it out for you, freak!" I shouted. "FUCK - YOU - CYRUS!!!"
That was the trigger. That was the line that he was silently daring me to cross. And the look of pure unadulterated hatred that appeared on his face was indescribable. The offense, the insult, the NERVE of me! For the first time since I had met him on the beach, I saw Cyrus get angry. VISIBLY angry! It seemed that the entire Earth itself had stopped rotating at that moment, and as satisfied as I was to have said it...I felt that I had gone too far. I had just verbally pulled the pin out of the grenade. The second the words left my mouth, ALL of the others slowly rose to their feet and fixed their stare on me as they stood dutifully at his side. There was no more laughter. Not a single smile among them. They closed in to stand united with their master, and glared at me with fire and brimstone in their eyes. Kristin, the twins, John Boy, Sebastian...I could feel their anger radiating off of them much like the heat of that bonfire while standing too close to it on the beach. Even Kriegar, whose balance was once affected by the alcohol in his system, stood firmly planted and ready to strike at the first whispered command. I tried to stand strong in the face of them all, but danger was heavy in the air around me, and I began to regret the comment.
Cyrus looked too outdone to even speak. The look on his face was worse than any my father had ever given me, even with most blatant signs of disrespect. Scout stood in front of him, his childlike features now aged into a frown reserved for a full grown man spending his second decade in prison. The boy was staring at me harder than anyone, and I waited to see what would happen next. Scout licked the front of his top teeth with his tongue, and started to take a step towards me. But Cyrus put a hand on his shoulder to keep him still, and stepped out from behind the protection of his 'gang'. "I suggest you tread lightly." He said through gritted teeth. "I am NOT one to be tested."
I didn't want to back down this time, not an inch. But I didn't want to get the shit beaten out of me either. So I responded on some safe middleground. "Whatever. I don't need this. I'm leaving." At least it gave me a way out. I started to walk away, but Cyrus wasn't going to let it go that easy.
"We're not done here." He spoke from behind me, but his voice seemed a lot deeper this time. A guttural growl, emerging from the very pit of his stomach. I paid him no mind though, and I kept walking further into the woods. "Wesley....Wesley I am talking to you." I wasn't about to let him make a fool out of me. Not again. Fuck him. This time, I'm not stopping until I get home.
**"HEY!!!"** Cyrus shouted at the top of his lungs, the thunderous boom of his voice almost making me weak in the knees with its tone! It felt as if the entire forrest rumbled in response to his heated level of outrage! I jumped, startled beyond reason, and spun around to see Cyrus standing there as though he could command lightning to strike me down from the sky if he willed it so! "DON'T you turn your back on me, boy! Are you out of your FUCKING mind?!?!!?" He shouted! "You take one more step into those woods without my permission and I will RIP YOU TO PIECES!!! Do you understand me?!?!" I was in shock, and hesitated to answer. He barked at me even louder, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!" I nodded quickly, and watched the rest of his clan standing ready behind him. And looking closer....a few of them were...drooling. Not a little, but a lot. Long streams of saliva that seemed to be dripping off of their teeth and hanging off the edge of their chin. Their faces frozen into such a menacing scowl that the very wind itself seemed to stop in order to avoid crossing its path.
Cyrus looked me in the eye, unflinching, unafraid, and told me, "Come down here and face me." It was an order, plain and simple, no interpretation needed. And the only thing more frightening than doing what he said...was NOT doing what he said. I only took a step or two back in his direction, but I guess I wasn't moving fast enough for him. "NOW!" He shouted, pointing his finger at the ground directly in front of him. I walked over, but still kept a distance from him. "Closer." I inched closer to him. But not very much. "Closer..." He drew me in until I was staring him face to face, and looking him in the eye. "I'm going to chalk your recent comments up to pure ignorance on your part. So this time, I'm letting it slide. But make NO mistake, boy...I am NOT known for my patience in these matters."
"Can I go now?" I said, a part of me still trying to defy his 'leadership'. I'm not one of his little soldiers over there.
"You can go when I DISMISS you!" He snapped back. "Tell me...what's waiting for you at home, Wesley? Hmm? What? Bible camp? Punishment? Sexual frustration? Supression of everything you want and need in your pathetic routine of a life? Is THAT what you're looking forward to when you crawl into your bed tonight?"
"You don't know anything about me..."
"I don't HAVE to know anything about you! I know your type! You hold it 'allllll' in, don't you? You clench your fists, you bite your tongue, you live with this constant fear of consequences that don't even EXIST! And why? So you can be one of THEM?" He said, pointing over the edge of the cliff at the drunken partygoers down below. "Earlier tonight, I asked you what you did with the last few hours of your life. And you had NOTHING to tell me. NOTHING! But I bet you've got something to talk about NOW, don't you?" Cyrus never broke his eye contact, and it shook me to the bone at this close range. But his tone was starting to calm down a bit, and despite his strong hold over my position, he was relaxing little by little as he spoke. I noticed that the others seemed to relax their positions as well, almost in unison. And the air became breathable again. Kriegar was even beginning to get his intoxicated sway back. "I'm trying to help you, Wesley. I'm trying to open your eyes. Nothing more."
"Why?" I asked. "Why me?"
"Because I see better things for you. You're not one of those 'bad actors' down there faking a life that they doesn't belong to them. Deep down inside, you're one of us...I think you know that." He told me. "And if it's one thing I can't stand...it's a 'wolf' in sheep's clothing." Cyrus walked slowly to my side, circling me. Challenging me to move from my position, or to even turn my head in his direction. The power he could command with a simple stare was unimaginable. I felt locked in place, unable to move. "You're still looking for that Hollywood 'happy ending' bullshit, aren't you? That 'luck of the draw' garbage, where the good guys always win? Where the greatest love of all is always available to the adorable underdog? Where the assholes get what they deserve, and having a good heart guarantees you a fair deal and a life full of good times?" He said. "Well, let me save you the trouble, my young friend. It's NOT gonna happen! It's all a big fucking lie! But you already know that, don't you?" He came around me, full circle, looking me in the eyes again. "You feel it inside you....growing...more and more each minute. You can ignore that feeling all you want to, Wes, but at the end of the day, this world belongs to those who think about themselves. And ONLY about themselves."
I still didn't move, as his circle slowly continued behind me again. Looking past him, I saw the others smiling wickedly in my direction, almost like some psycho demonic jury, waiting to decide my fate. Even Sebastian...who still had a full stranglehold on my feelings from our kiss in the woods. Even John Boy, who had been so strangely friendly to me before. They didn't want to help me...they were just USING me, making everything worse. Why does this keep hurting me like this? I just wanted to go. I just wanted to leave them behind and be done with this whole disgusting farce tonight. But...what was even worse...was that Cyrus' words were beginning to get through. I could have ignored it all and waited until he got bored enough to let me leave. But I didn't.
"Even now you're holding back. I can taste your anger in the air around you. All that glorious effort to be a 'good boy' and a 'helpful soul' and a 'responsible citizen' and a 'loyal friend'...for WHAT??? YOUR life is still shit, isn't it? Where are the people you helped out now? Where did it get you?" I just wanted him to stop. I just wanted to go home. "No one applauds a hero until he's martyred, Wes. Nobody appreciates an artist until he's dead. You are taking the life that you want for yourself and throwing it into a bottomless pit. Why? For other people? That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard. You think they care about you?" He asked. "They don't give a shit about what kind of person you are inside. The second your sacrificial 'efforts' stop being what they need for their OWN lives to be sunny and bright, they'll drop you like you were nothing and never look back. They'll shut you out like you don't even exist to them. I'll bet it's happened to you before, hasn't it? Time...after time...after time. It's not going to stop, Wes. It's just going to keep happening again and again until your soul expires from the exhaustion." He leaned over my shoulder to whisper in my ear. "If you don't believe me, then why don't you tell the others what got you sent to this camp in the first place? I'm willing to bet your friend from church is having the time of his life this summer. Do you really think he feels bad for what he did to you? At ALL? After all the anguish he caused you, do you honestly believe he gives a flying SHIT about how many tears you might have shed over this? Hehehe, he's not gonna be wasting a single moment of hs 'good time' to think about you OR how you feel, I can assure you that. Tell me...when you were trying to explain how you didn't do it...where was your 'innocence' and 'good intentions' then?"
As much as tried to block out of his forked tongue conversation, I knew he was probably right. If anything, Darryl was calling some of his other friends to run around town and find a kick ass party to go to right about now. He wasn't neccessarily the type to sit at home and cry out, 'what have I done, it's all my fault'. My mind was trying to work ut a way to make a dash for it through the woods before the others could catch me. But the more Cyrus spoke...the more my mind began to accept.
"I'm trying to free you, Wesley." He said. "I'm trying to wake you up before your spirit gets suffocated by the ever constricting confines of a life that doesn't 'fit' you. I can help you be what you want. Find what you want. TAKE what you want. And soon, you'll be the one laughing your ass off while other people deal with the pain for a change." Standing in front of me, Cyrus put a hand on each of my shoulders. Almost in a fatherly way. "Let it go, Wes. All of that excess baggage...just let it go. You don't have to care about anyone else. You don't have to cry yourself to sleep anymore. You don't have to hide what you are or what you feel. Let me guide you." He pulled me in, hook, line, and sinker. Sold me on ideas that seemed obscene before he pointed them out with examples attached. And then he surprised me by giving me a hug. An actual tender hug. "Tonight is just the beginning. Trust me...life can be so much more liberating. Roll with us...and I'll teach you how to make every day, from here on out, as eager and as exciting as that first kiss with Sebastian."
Hearing him say that, remembering what he did to me, reminding me of his trickery, put me back in focus. And to think...he almost had me fooled. "Am I dismissed now?" I asked, in an act of open rebellion towards him and his 'offer'.
I only saw a quick flash of anger cross his face, letting me know that my comment had caught him off guard. But it vanished, and he calmed himself down almost instantly. With a sarcastic smile, he stepped aside, and glided his arm out to show me the way out of his little circle. Finally allowing me to escape this charade and head home. I sent a dirty glance back at the rest of the group, and then started to walk away from them.
But Cyrus continued to taunt me as I put more distance between us. "I know it's a hard thing to hear...but I'm only bringing you closer to the truth. If you really think anyone cares, you're kidding yourself." I tuned him out as best as I could, walking uphill to find my way between the trees. "You need me, Wesley. And once you realize that it's more than morbid curiosity that keeps bringing you back to me....you'll come searching for us. And we'll be waiting. Right here at Rainbow's End." Don't listen! Just walk. What does he know? Egocentric son of a bitch!
Then, just as I was almost out of earshot, with a soft round of giggles around him, I heard Cyrus say the words that followed me all the way home, and into my dreams that night. "Face it, kid...hope is DEAD, karma doesn't EXIST, and the very concept of 'reward through sacrifice' is a delusional wet dream at best! Keep believing in the goodness of mankind and their obligation to return the love you send them...and you'll NEVER be happy! NEVER! Welcome to an unfair, UNCARING, world, Wes! Welcome to reality!"
I walked, stomped, pouted, kicked, and stormed my way through those woods. My mind blinding me with rage. My inner conversations so angry, so potent, that I was almost speaking them outloud in short huffs and whispers. I kicked rocks, broke branches, anything to help me burn off what I was feeling inside. I cursed with every breath I took. But...even deeper than the hatred I felt on the surface, was pain. An entire OCEAN of pain. And when the heat burned off of the top, it overwhelmed me to the point where I fell to my knees and cried. I felt the tears being pulled from somewhere so deep inside that I could hardly breathe. The ACHE of it all caused me to break down into sobs, unable to stop a single tear bled from my tortured heart. He was right, wasn't he? I always cave in. I always go along with whatever someone tells me to do. I always try to smile and be polite and try to make everyone around me see me as someone special. But they don't. Ad I'm not. I'm just another 'costume' hanging in the closet. A mask worn to keep people from disliking me. To keep from making any waves or causing any trouble. In the end, after all I've done to try and make a difference......
In the end I'm all alone. In the end...I don't have anything at all. Not even my self worth.
And it was there, in the dirt of the forrest's floor, that I felt the lock on another door inside of me being pried open. As painful as it was to step through it, I found another level of reason that I hadn't expected to ever discover. Cyrus was cruel, he was threatening, he was downright insane. But he spoke to my soul. He knew the combination to every locked door that I tried to close on him, and as much as I hated him at that moment...I almost wanted to stay. I almost wanted them to embrace me as one of them, just so I can say that I had something. Just so I could say that someone was there. And that they'd never leave me again. I didn't believe....but I wanted to. I wanted to with every fiber of my being. And that was how he found me.
I made it back to the house, and did my best to dry my eyes and fix myself up in case my mom was still awake. As I walked up to the front porch, I noticed an envelopd taped to the outside of the door. It had my name written on the front of it, so I took it down and opened it. In it was a bead necklace that he made in one of the workshops that day. It had my initials in the middle and was made just the right length. I found a short handwritten note from him, saying,
"You were right, Wesley. I did want you to stay for a bit longer. But it's no big deal. I guess I just enjoy your company. I don't know how you feel about jewelry, but I made this for you today. I figured I'd leave it for you on the door. You don't have to wear it if you don't want to. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you, and that I'm glad you're my friend. See you tomorrow. -Freddy"
It was such an endearing gesture on his part, and I was touched that he would do that for me. I'd be sure to wear it to lunch tomorrow. He'd like that. I put the note and the necklace in my pocket, and walked in through the front door. My mother was still awake, as was to be expected, I suppose. But, upon entering the house, I walked right past her. Mumbling a few quick words before heading to my room and closing the door. It was late, and Nick was already in bed. Cuddled up with his new puppy friend and sleeping peacefully as always. It seemed that even HE knew how to be happy. I could probably learn from him.
I didn't bother to turn on the light. I didn't bother to shower. I just kicked off my shoes and clothes, put Freddy's necklace in the drawer beside my bed, and climbed into the cool white linen of my bedsheets. I stared up at the ceiling as the moonlight poured in through the window. Trying to forget what Cyrus had said to me that night was like trying to stop a bullet with a pillow. And the misery of it caused me to ball up and roll over on my side. Just hoping that I could get to sleep before the tears started again.
For the first time...I felt lost. Completely and totally lost. Before, my only protection from being hurt like this was to shut down, close everyone off and deal with it myself. But Cyrus busted through the barrier. And I was beginning to wonder if he had the 'truth' that I was looking for. I began to wonder if I really did need him after all. His lopsided grin went through my mind repeatedly as I drifted off to sleep. I was now officially 'damaged'. And I can't ever go back to being me again. I was stuck between being the old me, and something completely different. Something that only Cyrus could lead me to. I pray he'll let me come back. I pray he'll take this feeling away.
Maybe next time...I'll give him a chance to show me what he's talking about. Maybe next time...I'll dive in.
That night, five years ago, I went to bed with my
humanity in tact. I still had my soul, as banged up as it was. I can
still remember that pain, spoiling in the pit of my stomach. Siphoning
away my self esteem until it was too brittle a crutch to stand on. Cyrus
knew how to take whatever was bothering you, and twist it painfully
until you were willing to do anything to make it stop. He MADE
you want him. He MADE you depend on him. When he was through with you,
you were willing to follow him into the fires of hell. And that's
exactly where he took me.
I consider that night to be the end of the beginning. The last true
night of my sanity. Little did I know back then...that this was merely a
preamble of what was to come. The horror that was hidden behind the
stormclouds he created in my heart. He led me into the shadow of death,
lust, and aggression, and refused to let me leave. Please God, forgive
me. I didn't know who they were. I didn't know WHAT they were. Never was
there a more souless creature on this Earth than the ones I met at
Rainbow's End. I can clearly remember going to bed that night...
...Because I haven't had a single good night's sleep since.
I consider that night to be the end of the beginning. The last true night of my sanity. Little did I know back then...that this was merely a preamble of what was to come. The horror that was hidden behind the stormclouds he created in my heart. He led me into the shadow of death, lust, and aggression, and refused to let me leave. Please God, forgive me. I didn't know who they were. I didn't know WHAT they were. Never was there a more souless creature on this Earth than the ones I met at Rainbow's End. I can clearly remember going to bed that night...
...Because I haven't had a single good night's sleep since.