It's truly a dark feeling, being able to walk through a party without conscience. To be able to look people in the eye without feeling that instant 'confrontation' of two souls meeting for the first time. Have you ever noticed it before? You're walking down a public street, enjoying your own sense of isolation...the perfection of the silence surrounding you? And then you see someone else coming from the other direction...and it's like the fragile walls of that solitude are immediately shattered. You wonder if you're going to be forced to speak to this stranger. You wonder about how you look through their eyes. Your space is invaded, your mentality is disrupted, your sense of self esteem is suddenly put under a microscope and tested. And all that other person had to do was pass you on the sidewalk. You clam up, lower you head, now 'aware' of their existence...knowing that they're equally aware of your own. Some honestly expressed part of you is forced to retreat under the mask of normality...and you suffocate it. Hide it. Bury it. Until the other person passes and you feel free to be yourself again. Why? Why are we 'good enough' when we're alone, but inferior when confronted with the soul of another? Who knows? But I can tell you one thing...the 'calling' makes all of that go away. It takes the fear, the doubt, the pain out of the equation. It blocks you from the illusion of seeing the masses of people around as anything more than background characters in a movie that YOU are directing. It keeps you from feeling the need to submerge yourself in this collective sense of hysteria...this...shared hallucination of social worth. And then it elevates you above it. Making you realize just how EQUAL every last one of us on this planet really are...and yet...it clearly demonstrates how much BETTER you are than the rest...simply by seeing that truth for yourself. An equalizer, and an ego stroke, simultaneously massaging themselves into your perception as you wickedly smile at the brainless roaches around you....who will spend the rest of their lives without purpose or meaning of any kind. No more intelligent or useful than the tin cans being dragged behind a child's wagon. Led by what they think is a vastly superior intellect...when it's really nothing more than a pointless level of blind faith, agreed upon by the majority, and therefore seen as a 'safe' bet. How could I ever want to go back to that? How?
Following Sebastian to the liquor table in that party was a short walk...but I learned soooo much in the few steps it took to get there.
There were moments where I could have sworn that I had lost myself. Almost like falling asleep while watching a movie on television. You hardly notice the missed parts of the program...swearing that you were awake. And yet, slowly but surely, bits and pieces of the movie seemed to be missing. You nod in and out of consciousness, until it hardly seems worth the struggle to stay awake anymore. I have to admit...I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to be holding on to what was left of my sanity.
Then again...the sanity seemed like such a little thing at the moment. I could let go of it....just for a little while, right? Just...so I could enjoy myself. I'm entitled to a good time, am I not? The boys in this place are soooooo yummy.
"You disappoint me, Wesley. And what's worse, you disappoint Father." Sebastian said as soon as I joined him. He poured a cup full of alcohol and nothing else, handing it to me so hard that it spilled over the top of my hand. "What did you think you were doing? Huh? You NEVER break your link with your brothers. You're lucky Cyrus didn't rip you to pieces back there."
"It was a mistake. It won't happen again." I said, not really giving Sebastian the emotion he was looking for. In fact, I was more distracted by a thirteen year old blond boy that had just walked by with his big sister. I felt a gentle smirk cross my lips, and wondered if this was really me doing this, or the calling. Perhaps...I had hidden myself too deep.
Sebastian took a hold of my arm to face him, searching my eyes closely, looking for any further betrayals on the horizon. But after a moment of examination, he loosened his grip on me, and instead leaned forward to hug me. The sudden affection caught me off guard. It wasn't like Sebastian to be so...'close' to me. "I'm trying to help you, Wesley...but I can't protect you against Father's will. You know that." He said, his voice, a deep and sensual moan as he rested his chin on my shoulder. My arms went around his sleek and slender middle, feeling the taut erotic strands of long swimmer's muscles in his back and sides. His soft dark hair glided against my face, smelling sooooo sweet, the silky smooth surface of his cheek brushing lightly up against my right ear. Secretly, I lowered my head to give Sebastian a small kiss on the nape of his neck. I was unable to control myself. His beauty was a weapon that most people are powerless to ignore. I sighed in his arms, and he lightly stroked my blond locks with his hand. "You are sooooo ready to join us, Wesley. And I promised you that I would be here to help you. Whenever you needed it. I want you with me." He whispered. "But the games must stop, do you understand?"
"Yes, brother...." I whispered back, almost feeling a true emotional bond with him in that moment. I could almost say that I loved him during those few seconds we stood there in a brotherly embrace. And yet....my faith in him loving me back the same way, was still standing on shaky ground.
He caressed me so tenderly. So carefully. And then, once he let go and looked into my eyes, the urge to kiss those sweet lips of his was almost unbearable. Especially since I no longer cared for any judgmental eyes that might have been watching. But Sebastian just gave me a charming smile, and held me at bay. I doubt he cared about the people around us, but for appearances sake...he tried to keep me still.
"I'll talk to Father. I'll see what I can do. He won't forget...but I know he cherishes you. Almost as much as I do. But I need you to trust me, ok? Trust in me, and I'll help you through this." He said. "Personally...I think your humanity is beautiful." His smile widened, and then he let me go, to pour himself a drink, and add some soda to my own.
I watched him mix drinks from the table, and I asked him, "Cyrus and Evren...they really don't get along, do they?"
"Wouldn't be hard to figure that out, now would it?" He said, not even looking back at me.
"John Boy said...they used to be brethren?"
"There is no such thing as 'used to be' when it comes to your brothers, Wesley. That along is possibly why they haven't murdered one another yet. They attempt to keep the peace by keeping a certain amount of distance between them. But it is inevitable that one take full control, and inherit the other alpha's pack members. IF they care to join."
"And if they don't?" I asked.
"There can be no exiled brethren left alive. Ever. That is our law." He said, looking me deeply in the eye as he handed me my drink. The simplicity with which he said it was so...'mundane'. As if slaughtering our own kind was as menial a task as taking out the garbage on a Monday morning. He raised his own cup and touched to mine, as if in a toast. And then we both took a sip Ugh! He certainly made it strong, but encouraged me to keep going. He even fixed me two more just like it...making my head spin slightly as I tried to concentrate. "You know...I don't like to admit things like this..." He smiled bashfully. "...But when we lost contact with you, I was worried something had happened to you."
His chocolate brown eyes met mine, causing me to swoon in my slightly intoxicated state. "Hehehe, really? That doesn't sound like you."
"Well...I don't like getting close to people. Distance provides clarity. It allows me to see people for who they really are, and not who I want them to be." He said, taking another slow sip of his drink as he watched me lean against the table for support. He moved closer. "I didn't expect to like you so much, Wesley. But despite my earlier analysis of you as a person...John Boy was right. You are very impressive indeed." He reached out a hand, the soft warm surface of his palm resting on the back of my knuckles, his thumb sliding softly over my skin. "Father wants you to be on your own tonight....but....maybe when we get back to the house, you and I can spend some more time together. Just you and me."
"Mmmmm...I think I'd like that." I said.
"Oh, I'm sure you will. You see....the last we were together...I was holding back. No more initiations. No more games. Next time...I'm going to make sure the screams continue until dawn." He gave me a wink and a sexy grin that got me hard immediately. I had to turn around to keep from displaying my excitement to the whole party! Holding BACK??? Jesus!!! The last time I came so hard that it knocked me UNCONSCIOUS, for crying out loud!
I blushed, and Sebastian giggled sheepishly, trying to hide his smile with his cup. Taking another healthy sip or two. I felt so at ease, experiencing this side of him was truly taking my heart for a loop, and I caught myself staring at him with a dreamy gaze. Sighing to myself as I imagined the two of us entangled up on that bed again, his naked flesh against mine, exchanging the feverish body heat between us as we struggled to reach a climax worthy of poetry and song. I longed to be in his arms again. ACHED for it. I had never seen him smile with such compassion. It was the most genuine emotion that he had ever shared with me. Sebastian, the boy prince. Who was usually too gorgeous to really be bothered with the rest of us. Could it be real? Was this a part of my reward for finally letting go?
I heard Sebastian giggle a bit to himself, shaking his head. "Hehehe, what?" I asked.
"Nothing. Forget it."
"No. Tell me. C'mon." I smiled, giving him a little shove to broaden his smile.
"It's nothing. I just...I think it's crazy how much trouble you're putting us through. I you keep this up, you're going to be even more of a handful than Dex."
I chuckled out loud, reaching out to touch his arm. God....I've never felt skin so soft before. I wanted to slide it up against me again. All over. And to think...the skin he kept hidden with appropriate clothing was a hundred times silkier. I wanted him soooooo badly that it made me squirm right there where I was standing. "Maybe I need a good straightening out, huh? Hehehehe...." I blushed.
"I'll say." Sebastian turned to pour himself another drink, and he added a little more alcohol to my already bitter tasting cup. I tried to stop him, but he poured some more anyway. Then, after a slight pause, he asked me, "So....who was he?"
"Hehehe, who was who?"
He gave me a sideways look, as though I knew exactly what he was talking about. "You know. You broke your link with us, you went outside...you must have been thinking about somebody. It takes a pretty strong emotional bond to break your link with us." He giggled, and I sort of laughed along with him, taking another swig of my, now even more potent drink. But then...he pressed again with the question. "So....?"
"So WHAT? Hehehe!"
"Who WAS it, Wesley?" He smiled.
"Geez, Sebastian! I don't...I don't even KNOW, ok? It was...it was nothing. It was nobody."
He shrugged a bit, letting another pause creep into our conversation, then he looked into my eyes again. But this time...it was almost like a second examination of my mind state. I couldn't put my finger on it, really...but the once beautiful connection that was building between us over the last fifteen minutes or so...began to change. "Well...I mean, it had to be somebody, Wes. I mean...hehehe, you can tell me. It's just between us."
I hesitated for a moment, still maintaining my smile through a slightly confused look. "What? Is this...is this about talking to Evren? Because TOLD you, I just followed Julien out for a second and then..."
"BEFORE Evren." Sebastian interrupted. "Your link was broken before you went outside. I know because I felt it." Sebastian's smile faded for a moment, but when he saw the look on my face, he repaired it. Bringing it back to its flawless presentation. "You're not gonna be in 'trouble', Wesley. I just...I was curious I just wanna know."
Something inside of me began to set off an inner alarm that clued me in on this very subtle interrogation and every 'song and dance' routine that came before it. It was difficult to see through his deception, even more so with the alcohol swimming in my system...the same alcohol that he attempted to lubricate my inhibitions with. But as I tried to fight for an awareness that would keep me from saying something I shouldn't...I felt the calling receding again. And I couldn't let that happen, not in front of him. "Honestly...I don't remember." I said suspiciously.
"You don't remember?" His smile seemed more and more artificial by the second, and he made sure to add another small pour of alcohol into my cup. I refused to have another sip. "How can you not remember? Anybody significant enough to trigger that kind of a break must have been awfully special to you. More special than WE are, anyway. Hehehe!" He said. "So...I mean...were you thinking of home? Are you homesick? Is that it?"
"No. Not...really." I said quietly.
"You sure? No thoughts of...your mom, or your dad? Maybe baby brother, Nick? Is that what's haunting you?"
I stopped for a moment, trying to think. It was a balancing act...trying to keep just enough of myself 'present' to fight the invading thoughts in my mind. I couldn't show too much of myself. If the calling pulled back too far, he'd sense it for sure. He'd smell my fear. And he'd let the others know that I was one of those 'exiles' meant to be taking out with the Monday morning trash. Then again...if I hide in the calling TOO deeply, and lose myself for even a moment...I might tell him the truth. My calling has one loyalty, and one loyalty alone....and that is to Cyrus. What happens if I tell Sebastian the truth? What happens to the people whose names I mention...once he realizes that they're interfering with my pack union? I teetered on the brink, trying to maintain both the human and the wolf at the same time. It was NOT easy.
"No. Nothing." I said shortly. "I think I should...get back to the party."
"What? Come on, screw the party for a couple more minutes, you and me are having fun here." He smiled. "I know...it's gotta be some hottie, you left behind. Right? Some dream boy with a nice ass?" Don't think about Casey! DON'T! He'll know! He'll SEE!
"I didn't have a boyfriend...."
"Maybe he was just a WANNABE boyfriend? You know? Somebody you liked, but you didn't have the stones to go up and talk to him? Is that it? You HAD to have a few crushes here and there, right? Who was it? Somebody from camp? Maybe somebody at Rainbow's End?" He kept pushing, and I kept pushing back. I couldn't let him know what I was thinking. I had to concentrate. Mmmm...but it was getting sooooo hard to think straight. Sebastian sensed a change, and he turned to look at me. "Are you...feeling alright, Wes? You seem...'distracted'."
I mentally forced myself to dip back deeper into the calling to hide my emotions...but as the ego and the power began to rise inside of my, the need to keep Casey's name a secret began to leave me. Just tell him. What harm would it do? Say his name. Say it. Father demands it. Sebastian is your superior. He is Father's advisor, and must be respected. Answer your brother. Tell him the truth. And when the boy has been slaughtered...there will be no need for us to return. Then it will be just me and my family...forever.
"I'm...I'm just..." I struggled to hold myself steady. But my inner senses and my animal instincts were pushing against one another so hard, that it was hard to 'hide' and still remain awake. "I think it's the alcohol."
Sebastian paused for a moment, and then he said, "Of course. Must be."
"I think I need to walk around a bit. Maybe get more involved with this party. I want to take a boy for myself before I go home." I said, an unintentional smile spreading across my lips. "Thank you for the drinks."
"Any time." He said, but as I tried to walk away from him, he grabbed me by the arm. This time...with a lot more 'roughness' than the gentle touches he had given me just minutes ago. "Do you really think we're stupid, Wesley?"
"I don't...know what you're talking about..."
His grip tightened, almost cutting off the circulation. "STOP it! You're not fooling ANYBODY! If you took more pride in your calling and your union instead of wasting it on this pathetic heard of SHEEP...you'd have learned that your place is at the head of Father's table. You should be thanking whatever god you believe in for the chance to have even SURVIVED this long!" He whispered angrily. "You don't seem to understand the depth of your position. I suggest you change that. And FAST!"
"What are you doing?" I said, a surge of my alpha nature slightly lacing my attitude. "Get your hands off of me!"
"You're still trying to play the 'altar boy' role, aren't you? Still fooling yourself into believing that there's a way for you to get out of this situation ALIVE. There ISN'T! Believe me. You think Jonah and Simone didn't try to leave us? What do you think tipped us off?" He said, and inhaled deeply from the nape of my neck. "Your fear is a STENCH that you can't hide from us, boy. And right now....you REEK of it! I can hear the tremble in your voice, I can see the dilation of your pupils, I can smell the raise in your body temperature...and the corresponding perspiration. Don't play me for a fool, kid, you're not EQUIPPED with the knowledge and skill it takes to slide past us unannounced." He sneered.
"Let me go!" I snarled back at him, but he only smiled at my weak attempts to show any amount of dominance whatsoever. "I SAID...Let....me..."
He gripped me even tighter, and I saw Sebastian's eyes glow with the most wicked glare that I had EVER seen from him! I tensed up immediately, feeling myself suddenly retreating so far back into the calling that my mind was nearly drowned in it. And he practically growled at me from the back of his throat...his teeth now resembling jagged daggers, gleaming just as white as before, but now twice as dangerous. "Make no mistake, Wesley...there IS no going home! Get that through your head. You're one of us, and you're going to STAY that way, you little bitch! LEARN YOUR PLACE!!!" Finally, he let me go with a jerk, and I rubbed the sore spot on my arm, as I tried to catch my breath. Then his face returned to it's peaceful appearance, and he wiped his hands off on the table cloth. "Just remember cutie...we know your scent. We know where your friends are, where your family is. You play the sly fox if you WANT to....but I guarantee you....you'll regret it." Then he took his cup and winked at me. "Enjoy the rest of the party, 'fraidy cat! Hehehe!" And he blew me a kiss, going back to 'normal' as if nothing had happened.
The strange thing is...whatever fearful feelings he had brought up in me....they had pulled me to the very 'bottom of the lake' as far as my instincts were concerned. And my rational mind seemed too tired to kick its way back to the surface again. It was like....he knew exactly how to manipulate the energies within me better than anyone. And I found myself....'lost'. More lost than I had ever been.
I stumbled away from the table, trying to get my mind to make sense, but nothing would catch. There were no sane thoughts left to hang on to. My breathing increased, as confusion rushed in to see if it could somehow....'fix'my broken awareness. I felt dizzy. Was it the alcohol? No...it was the fear. The sudden change in Sebastian's mood, the forced dive back into the calling to hide. I went too deep this time. I couldn't....I couldn't find my way back again.
I leaned up against one of the support beams in the barn, hearing the music blasting all around me, sensing the laughter and pheromone outputs of all the other teenagers at that party. My hands began to tremble slightly....and my breathing got short and heavy. My lips turned up into a snarl without me even knowing it, and my insides quaked as my body attempted to give itself over to a new 'owner' completely. Without question. I felt my hormones rage, my self pride shoot through the roof, my inner savage gaining strength. The world slipped away from me faster than I could catch it. And by the time I had fully realized what was happening to me...it was too late.
Much too late.
With a blink, I felt the trembling stop. My breathing return to normal. My body recovering from the shock of it all. And I stood up straight again to survey the party around me with such a level of...calm. Yes...that's it....calm.
Any and all memory of days past...was gone. Snatched from me, and replaced with an entirely different association for the word 'home'. Home....is where my brothers are. Now...and forever.
I smiled to myself as I felt my limb relax. The music pumped hard enough to shake the walls, but I could still hear each and every voice that I chose to pick out as a target. My hands....my hands felt so strong. So very strong.
I looked down at my cup, and I downed what was left in it in a single gulp, allowing it to spill sloppily on both sides of my mouth. Mmmmmm...it burned sooooo good.
"Is there anymore Jack Daniels left?" Said a random boy who walked up to the table. I glanced at him briefly, and while he wasn't my usual type, I felt too good to let that stop me. I reached up to grab a hold of the side of his head, and pulled him forward to kiss him deeply on the lips! He struggled! Absolutely horrified at what the hell was happening to him at that moment! The poor Amish boy didn't know what had hit him until my tongue had forced its way between his lips. Finally, I ALLOWED him to push me away...not that I had to. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING????" He shouted, spitting on the floor to get the taste out of his mouth! "SICK!!! You...UGH....SICK!!!!!"
I sat back and laughed to myself as he stormed away from the table, still wiping his lips off on his sleeve, and then grabbing a beer to further wash his mouth out. But I didn't care. All I had left was laughter. Mad, maniacal laughter. I literally had to hold my stomach to keep from doubling over. "Heheheheheheh....hahahahaha!!!" I had to sit for a moment, looking at my hands...palms up. "Hehehe....heh....heh..." I couldn't stop smiling. My soul felt as though it were tickling me from the inside. A tingly sensation rose up within me, and suddenly...nothing mattered. Nothing at all. My sense of self, my fears, my memories, my previous attachments....all 'gone'. In the blink of an eye. And I didn't miss them. Ha! I can't believe it...those inferior feelings were actually GONE! Like...for good. At long last! I can't even remember what I was so worried about. Not at all. And that is when the unholy freefall began.
I covered my face with my hands as I tried to keep from laughing, but it didn't help much. The release was like MAGIC! It's gone. It's really gone. And life feels 'real'. For the first time in my life...I feel 'real'.
I stood up again, smoothing out my hair and clothes, and I took a bottle from the table. It was already half empty, but I didn't care. I was just going to guzzle it anyway. Kriegar would be proud. I took a heavy swig from the bottle, and then felt a flurry of giggles rush up from my stomach, along with a loud belch. Hehehe....who needs God, when you've got bliss on tap right in front of you? Huh?
I did another quick scan of the room, and with a deep inhale...I searched for my pretty little shy boy again. He won't have moved around much since the last time I left him. No...he'll be stationary. A recluse, seeking out a quiet place to blend into the background and not be noticed. Mmmmm...I could almost 'taste' his flavor on the surface of my tongue. The honey sweet nectar of his virginity. It enticed me, even from a distance. Even without his alluring good looks to enhance the mental picture. Following the scent, I turned my head to see Isaac Montrager still hiding out in another desolate corner of the party. His eye bashfully directed towards the floor....afraid to look up and see what was going on around him. From the change in his fragrance, I could almost sense a level of frustration in his mood. No doubt angry for blowing his chance with me after I had left so quickly with another boy. He need not worry. I had enough cum in me to fuck every boy at this party and still have enough to breed him like the needy little gay bottom that he was. Something I look forward to.
I made my way through the party, in a straight line. I budged for no one. I did not step aside to let another teenager pass me. I did not look for any possible collisions with the mass of bodies between me and my target. They didn't matter. Roaches. Fucking ROACHES! And when I got to Isaac, he stood up nervously and used what little courage he had to peek into my eyes, before looking down at his shoes again.
"Hey, Wesley...." He mumbled. "I thought...I thought maybe..."
"I want you to keep yourself visible for the rest of the night, Isaac Montrager. Do you hear me?" I said with a smirk.
"You want...what? Why?"
I moved closer to him, pressing him against the wall, and lewdly grabbing a tight handful of his crotch, squeezing it until he was nearly lifted up onto his tiptoes. And I whispered in his ear, "Because...I am ACHING to fuck you tonight. And I don't want to lose you in this crowd." I sucked his ear lobe in between my lips, and gave it a long, lustful, suck. His virginal flavor dancing across my taste buds. "Don't go anywhere, ok? I want to have myself some fun tonight. But out of all these boys...I choose you. Do you understand?" I gave him another squeeze, and he yelped a bit in surprise. His eyes darted frantically around the room, so scared that somebody would see. But I could smell his arousal. It made me so horny for his slim young body that I could hardly contain myself. "Stay put. I'll come back for you." I said, and he nodded eagerly, unable to pass up a chance to be with the boy he had been watching most of the night. "Do you drive, Isaac?"
"H-H-Huh???" He said, shaking from the knees up.
"Do you drive?"
"Ummm....y-y-yeah. I have a....a truck outside. It....it's um..."
"Shhhhh..." I said with a smile. "...My friends and I need a ride home tonight. And you're gonna give it to us." I told him. "And then...you're going to spend the night with me. And I'm going to taste every inch of you, until you can't take any more. I'm going to use you until I don't want you anymore. And you're going to like it. Understand?" I said. I think he was majorly confused by the idea, but he didn't resist. He didn't have a choice.
The wolf was here now. And it's not going anywhere anytime soon.