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"Danny? Are you sure you're alright?" My mom asked me at the dinner table. "You've hardly touched your beef brisket tonight. I thought it was one of your favorites?"
"Huh? Oh..." I mumbled in response. I looked down to notice my hand limply holding my fork, the prongs doing little more than pushing bits of uneaten food from one side of my plate to the other. "I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment." I forced myself to take another bite or two, but I only did it for the sake of being polite. "Can I be excused? If you don't mind...I think I'd rather lay down for a bit and warm up the rest of dinner later. Ok?"
With a look of serious concern, she weakly said, "Ok, Honey. If you're not hungry." Then added, "Are you sure you're not coming down with something? There's a few nasty flu bugs going around town..."
"I'm ok, Mom. Really. I'm not sick, I'm just...'preoccupied', I suppose." That was a huge understatement. As I left the table and walked back up the stairs to my bedroom and fell back on my cluttered mattress, staring up at my ceiling fan and reintroducing myself to overwhelming thoughts of...'him'. It was happening all over again. I was thinking about him soooooo much that it was hard to breathe. That feeling...that phantom sensation...it was bubbling up inside of me, causing my sudden infatuation with him to swell to the point where it literally HURT to be apart from him.
As thoughts of Terrence Cayley flooded through my system, I was compelled to roll over onto my side and curl up into the fetal position. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around my knees as I tried to brace myself for the painful yearning to follow the early tremors of insatiable love for the newly appointed boy of my dreams.
The strange thing is...I had no idea, whatsoever, how much I truly loved him until last Tuesday. It's like...I was completely blindsided by my intense craving for him. Floored by his beauty, and his charm, and his very presence in my life. He's all I fantasize about now. All I can work up any excitement for. Weird...I didn't even realize that I was GAY until I saw him smile at me that day. I've never been attracted to another guy in my entire life. But Terrence? He changed that all around for me. And now, the most important thing in the world is learning how to fulfill his every wish and command as hard and as often as he wants it.
God, I hope he wants some more! Like...tonight! Please call me! Why isn't he calling me? I'll wait by my phone. Is it charged? Did I miss any messages? Call me. Please, call me. I need him to need me back. I'm suffering so hard right now, just wishing I could kiss his luscious lips again. Suck on his tongue. Feel my knees go weak as he sucks me into his warm mouth and hums with delight over the opportunity to administer another rousing blowjob to one of the hottest teen boys in school. At least that's how he put it. I'm soooo lucky to have him love me like he does. When I think about the way he practically 'attacked' me that first time we hooked up...you would have thought that he'd never be able to have sex with another boy ever again! I nearly expected him to start crying half way through it, simply because he worshiped me with an enthusiasm and an intensity that I never thought possible. He must have really REALLY wanted a taste of my body! Like...badly!
And yet, I'm the one with the crush to end all crushes. I'm the one who can't get him out of my head. Oh God...call me, Terrance! Please? Now! Please call me! Oh no...here comes another wave of sadness...
I curl up even tighter, my whole body shivering as I burn with a sexual fever that refuses to fade away. Even for a few hours while I try to find the time to sleep. Unnghh...I'm soooo hard right now. I need my Terrance. I need his love. I need his hot erection, sliding in and out of my moist lips. I need to see that pretty little ass of his turned up on the bed, presenting itself to me...writhing in slow, erotic, circles as he beckons me forward. Those pale, porcelain smooth, bubbles of heated flesh, sensually begging to be pried open so I can sink deeply into the narrow cleft and penetrate the rose colored pucker between them. A constricted entrance that yearned for my relentless pounding...the perfected muscle gripping me until my impending orgasm causes me to thrust with a passion that I had been blind to so far throughout my 16 years of life. You can't imagine how hot it is to ejaculate deeply into those soft, smallish, globes...all while Terrence whimpers my name and implores me to keep going and never stop. He squeezes me tight with his hole. So tight. I'm surprised that he can take the physical punishment I give him, but I crave his sex so much that losing control is the only option. I may reach the point where even I find myself getting misty eyed at the idea that someone I am swooning over to the point of total obsession would allow me to make love to him as often as I have in the past week. I don't ever want to stop. I don't think I can.
Where did these feelings come from? I can't explain it.
There were times when other kids in school used to call him names and say that he was a faggot, but that's just name calling, right? Nobody really meant that he was an actual homosexual. Did they? Sometimes he would look at me in a funny way. The way I would watch a Beyonce video, you know? Just me and a few other boys from school. Jordan. Alex. Peter. Thinking back on it, I guess it does seem pretty clear that Terrence was always distracted by the cutest boys around him. But he was such a quiet guy that I never once assumed that there was anything sexual about his lingering stare or his clumsy attempts to keep his distance from us. It never crossed my mind that he might have an abnormal infatuation or anything. Terrence was a shy guy. He didn't talk to much of anybody. A geeky afterthought that didn't really stand out from the background. Didn't play any sports, didn't join any after school activities, ate lunch by himself...he was about as close to being socially 'invisible' at our school as you could possibly get without being physically absent. He just kept to himself, reading his weird little sci fi books, hiding in whatever dark little corner he could find that would keep him from interacting with the rest of us. He was a bit awkward with nerdy interests and unpracticed in the art of casual conversation. Nobody was ever mean to him...it was just a chore to try to get him to relax and open up enough to break out of his isolation and join in on everybody else's fun. I hardly ever put in the effort to pay him any attention at all since I've known him. But then came that day after swimming class where he deliberately came over to hand me a towel to dry my hair.
I remember thinking that it was strange that he'd do something like that out of the blue. But in my mind, I just wrote it off as one of his uncomfortable attempts to be friendly and come out of his shell a bit more. It was just a random Tuesday, and I didn't want to be the jerk who gave him a weird look and sent him scurrying back under his antisocial rock, never to peek out from under it ever again. So I just gave him my thanks, took the towel, and dried my hair. I didn't even think about the fact that he was standing there watching me do it the whole time. Telling me to make sure that I got it 'nice and dry' because it was a bit chilly outside. When I finished, he presented me with a meek smile and held out his hand to take the towel back. Again...an odd thing to do, but being odd wasn't really anything out of the ordinary when it came to Terrence, so who knew the difference? I handed him the towel back and he immediately began to open it up and look at it as though he was checking for something. I couldn't imagine what he was searching for in the fabric but he must have found it because a wide grin suddenly spread out on his face, and he whispered, "Thanks, Danny..." While blushing hard enough to glow like an intersection stoplight.
Yeah...Terrence could be a hard one to figure out sometimes.
But whatever it was that he did during that short meeting between us...it must have really taken my senses by storm. Because a few hours later, I found myself thinking about him in ways that I had never thought about ANY boy before. Raunchy thoughts of taking him into my arms, bending him over, and pushing my rock hard inches into him again and again, repeatedly climaxing with a primal scream of release until we were both too exhausted to go any further. Kissing him until my tongue was tired and my lips were bruised. Hugging him so tight against me that his waifish frame nearly cracked under the pressure of it all. These are thoughts that I've never had before. Fantasies that even my hottest wet dreams could provide me. And now that I've let Terrence into my life...I can't seem to let him go. I can't stop thinking about him! I CAN'T!!! And...why won't he CALL me??? I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was on the verge of cumming without even touching myself at that moment. I was so hard that it ached. It was like my stomach was being tied up in the kind of knots that were only reserved for the annual untangling of Christmas lights. It was an ache that left me breathless. And I was seriously considering just leaving the house tonight and going over to Terrence's house to BEG him to let me fuck him just a few more times before I went to sleep tonight! I'd beg. I'd have no shame in begging at all. Anything to keep this heartache from devouring me from the inside out.
The following day, a random Tuesday afternoon...Terrance approached me in the school library up on the second floor. I could have gone searching for him myself, but I was afraid of what I might do. What I might say. I've never been so infatuated with another boy before. I don't look at the other boys in the halls like that. Then again...they're not Terrance. Not a single one of them. He's more than just a pretty face. He's half my heart's purpose. He's a part of my very soul. That day when he was walking over to me, I got so nervous that it almost made me sick. A full body shiver took me over, and the sudden urge to run away from him was almost too powerful for me to resist. I didn't feel like I was ready to talk to him yet. No way. He was magnificent. Everything about him enchanted me. I quaked in his presence as it became more and more difficult to breathe. Then he gave me a bashful grin, saying, "Hi..." His voice was barely above a whisper, but it boomed like the voice of the Almighty in my ears.
"Hey. I mean...what's up?" I said, visibly shaken as I stood up to offer him my seat...even though there were empty seats on either side of me at the time.
Terrance gave me a bit of a suspicious look at first. I was afraid that I had done something awful to offend him. That I looked like a worthless moron in his eyes with such a senseless gesture. STUPID! I'm so damn stupid! But...then he sat down. Slowly. And I took the seat next to him. He was soooo beautiful. I didn't want to take my eyes off of him. Not even long enough to blink. His skin was so smooth. It almost had a sensual glow to it. My eyes glazed over and I accidentally sighed out loud to myself as my gaze traced over his perfect lips. How had I missed this boy for this long? It seemed like a total blasphemy for me to let him pass me in the hallways, day after day, and not give his stunning good looks the proper attention. Just sitting there, staring at him, it caused my heart to nearly cramp up from the overpowering swell of love that seemed to be intensifying within. Faster than my brain could keep pace with.
Pretty. So very pretty.
He cleared his throat, breaking our shared moment of silence. Then he asked, "You know who I am...right?"
"Of course I do." I answered, compelled to lean closer. "You're Terrence Cayley." I smiled at him, and he blushed with a smile of his own.
"It's just...I didn't think you did. I mean, we never really...talked before. Well, I mean, not much outside of hello."
"No? Omigod, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude..."
"No, it's ok. I'm sorta used to being invisible." He said sheepishly.
Trying to control myself, I said, "You're far from being invisible, Terrance. Trust me." I don't know what made me do it, but I reached forward and gently rested my hand on his thigh. He was so warm.
The contact caused him to jump slightly, but it was just a knee-jerk reaction that he quickly tried to hide. When I asked him if he was ok, he stammered, "Yeah...I'm...I'm fine." He peeked up at my eyes again, and quietly asked, "Are...are you ok?"
"I feel fantastic." I grinned. I was getting hard touching him like this. My breath got short and erratic as I contemplated kissing him right there in the library. I bet his lips would be so soft. My hand began to run up and down his leg as if it had a mind of its own. Each time, getting higher up...closer to the place where his slim legs connected. I began to salivate at the thought of fellating him in that chair. His narrow shoulders slumped down until his cute little bottom reached the edge of the chair, pants around his ankles, his bare boyish legs splayed wide for me. The aroma of warm flesh and a hint of naughty pheromones filling me up as my wet suction enveloped the succulent inches before me...my hands, palms down on both of his legs...the tip of my nose buried in whatever late bloomer peach fuzz his body had managed to create so far. I wanted him so badly that I could practically taste his leaking fluids in my mouth. I've never been so enticed by another human being.
Suddenly, Terrance stood up from his seat with a severely panicked look on his face. Our moment had passed, our contact had been broken. Had I frightened him away? Oh God, I was so scared that I had screwed everything up.
Nervously, Terrance stood before me. Not knowing whether to stay put or run away. Such a peculiar reaction. He mumbled something that I couldn't quite hear at first, so I stood up and stepped closer to him. He repeated, "Do you think...maybe...you'd want to hang out or something? Like...after school?"
Was he asking me to spend time with him? Really? SWEET! "Yeah! I'd love to hang out!"
"Are...are you sure?" He asked, searching my eyes for some level of deception.
"There's nothing else I'd rather do then be with you." I told him. My heart was pounding so hard. Ugh!
"Ummm...ok! Well...if you just want to come over to my house or something, I could meet you by the bike racks or something. Is that ok?" I agreed, and he seemed so very pleased. That was where our love began. It was just that easy.
So very easy.
He expected me to change my mind. Worried that I might have set him up for some kind of a cruel prank or something sinister...but when I smiled at him that afternoon and agreed to go home with him, he let go of his suspicions and simply led the way. There was a certain charm in his nervousness. A sense of grace in his awkwardness. He simply couldn't believe that all of this was really happening. To be honest, neither did I. But I went along with it anyway. My gut is telling me to love him with all the heart that I have to give. I can't let go of this feeling. Trying to ignore it only made it burn hotter. I needed him. I could feel it in my teeth! God, how far away does he live from school? Will he reject me? I wouldn't have been able to handle it if he rejected me.
I remember the way I began to shiver with excitement the moment we walked through his front door. I can remember staring shamelessly at his taught, round, ass as he led me up the stairs to his bedroom. My erection had gotten so stiff that it was pointless to hide it from him at that point. Maybe I needed him to see it. I wanted him...and I was too impatient to mask my obscene intentions with playful conversation and flirty build up. The moment we were in his room, I reached for his hand...and gently pulled him towards me. I was sooooo close. Looking into his eyes, I gave him a grin and let my hands rest on his waist.
Giggling nervously, Terrance turned red and said, "Wait, wait...ummm...wow!" I asked him what was wrong, and he answered, "Is this real? I mean...do you know why you're here?"
I didn't quite understand the question. "I don' know. Does it matter?" I said. "I'm sorry if I'm being forward, but...I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't...if I can't..." Trying to find the rights words, I finally just told him, "...I need to kiss you, Terrance. I really do."
Leaning forward, Terrance put his hand on my chest to stop me. "Wait! Wow! Ummmm...I..."
"Shhhh, it's ok. Honestly. I want it."
"Yeah, but...did you always want this or is this like...something that just happened recently?" He asked.
"I don't know. Maybe I did and just didn't know it. All I remember is waking up one morning and realizing that I couldn't live without getting to know you. To kiss you. To hold you close. Maybe more..." With my heartbeat thundering in my chest, I refused to hesitate for a second longer. I eased his troubled mind by leaning forward to lightly kiss his lips, my hardness poking into him as I sighed with relief. At last, my thirst for his first kiss had been quenched. And now the thirst for more was sweeping through me with a vengeance.
A single kiss wasn't enough. Sweet as it was, it only left me craving more.
With his eyes still closed, Terrance exhaled, and a little smile spread across those adorable lips of his. Whispering, "Omigod...it worked. I can't believe it really worked..."
"Nothing!" He smirked. "Nothing at all." And from there, he wrapped his arms around my neck and began to tongue kiss me with a passion that left us both weak, inside and out. I've had a few childhood girlfriends in my day...if I could really call them that. It was mostly swapping spit with a few timid targets that didn't amount to much more than advanced puppy love. This was different. Lustful and determined. Once he realized that he could actually have me the way he wanted me...he surrendered to the euphoric bliss of it completely. His libidinous groping was more of a hurried assault than a sensual expressions of any true feelings for me. The way he mashed his lips against mine, used his wanton hands to clutch at my ass, pulled me on top of him and snaked his tongue into my mouth with a loud, unrestricted, moan...I could tell that he had been waiting for this moment for a very long time. As though years of pent up homosexual frustration had suddenly been triggered and released all at once, with me being the happy recipient of his most potent affections. Touch me. Feel me. Embrace me.
I made him quite happy. It being my first full sexual experience and all.
Clothes disappeared so quickly that I found myself tossing them over my shoulder, both unsure and uncaring of where they landed. I won't be needing them for the next few hours. Not at all.
As delicious as he looked to me, he insisted on lowering those sweet lips of his over my shaft first. From his very first taste of me, his eyes rolled back into his head and he doubled his efforts as whimpers of desperation rang out from the back of his throat. He sucked me so hard that my legs began to quake from the unspeakable pleasure it brought me. At that moment, I didn't think anything could possibly make me feel better than the sensation of having his inner cheeks surrounding my erection, his sexy tongue coiling around the sensitive tip with every bob of his pretty little head.
But after getting a thrill out of sucking me for the first time, he surprised me by pulling off and crawling back up my body to deliver an intense kiss to my lips...soon whispering, "Fuck me!"
It definitely surprised me to hear him say that so soon. While being more than anxious to go all the way with the most heart wrenching crush of my young life...Terrance had always been such a standoffish personality before today. Timid, quiet...insecure and uncomfortable in his own skin. Suddenly, that sexual animal had been released from its cage, and it was clear that he wasn't going to let me leave that bedroom without experiencing everything. He was so 'wild' about it, finding a few tubes of that lubricant stuff that the teachers had given us in Health class in a drawer and putting a handful on the dresser before eagerly hopping back into bed with me. Where did he get so many? Hehehe, I only got ONE in my little 'safe sex' package. He ust have gone back to sneak some more in his pocket while nobody was looking.
I watched as he poured the liquid into his hand and spread the slimy goop all over my spasming shaft, soon laying back to raise his knees in the air and finger an ample amount into his hole. His eyes closed, mouth agape in pleasure, his long, frail, fingers pushing in and out of his tight hole to prepare him for the main event. From the way he was purring with delight, I almost began to think that he'd finish up without me. He had obviously done this to himself many times before. I found that rather hot.
"Mmmm...oh God...ok! Come here. Come on. Do it?" He said, breathing heavily.
"Are you sure?" I asked, already on my hands and knees to position myself over him.
"Yeah. Definitely. Do it! Awww fuck, stick your dick in me!"
Only a few nervous experimental moments later...I was able to slowly push my hips forward...and sink lovingly into the depths of my impatient lover. I have to admit that I was surprised that I was actually able to fit inside of him after trying to push through so much instinctual resistance...but he wanted it so badly that he eventually forced his constricted ring to relax, and his writhing young body surrendered to my determined penetration. He gasped, and he whimpered, and he clenched his hole around my invading length...but he didn't tell me to stop. Or to wait. He wanted it all. His very first virgin experience, and he took it like a pro. Even when his beautiful ass dimpled up on both sides, he struggled to suck me as deep into his lustful position as humanly possible. And once my pelvis was crushed against the smoothness of his upturned cheeks, I felt his hands reach around me to roughly knead my fleshy cheeks and attempt to pull me in even further.
We kissed passionately, and the thrusting began. It was so new to me. I never once wanted to hurt him, but I was afraid to leave him unsatisfied once he started to urge me to fuck him even harder than before. His ankles rested on my shoulders, and I turned my head to the side to kiss each one of them as his hole hugged me tight and squeezed me to the point where every push was a near orgasm in itself.
So hot. So wet. So tight! I never knew that sex could be this good! What the hell have I been missing OUT on???
And then, as I was sucking on his tongue too hard to actually cry out loud...a sudden eruption exploded DEEP within his inner walls and I was reduced to an uncoordinated MESS as my body was sent into auto-pilot. My toes curled, my calves cramped, my heart stopped, my balls were drawn up so close to my scrotum that I worried they'd crawl back up to their original position and I'd end up having to go through puberty all over again! I've never felt anything like it before! If my experienced ritual of after school masturbation was like sticking a metal object into an electrical socket...then cumming inside of Terrance's warm, 'living', tunnel was like multiple strikes of lightning during a rain storm! There was such volume to my excited seed that I think I actually began to feel it spill out of him as he wrapped his legs around the small of my back and kissed me harder...as if it could draw a few more involuntary 'thumps' from my already exhausted phallus. How I was able to catch my breath after that...will forever be a mystery to me.
I don't remember how many times I spilled my heated seed into the slippery confines of that hot, clutching, boy hole over the course of the next few hours...but I know that I barely had enough juice left to squirt when I was finished. Terrance never got enough. His hunger for me was insatiable. 'Wait! Do me this way!' he'd say! 'On my stomach!' He'd say. 'Can you fuck me standing up? Let's do it over here by the window!' He told me. He certainly drained every last joyable drop out of this sexual encounter. And THEN some! But I didn't mind. As much as I loved the feel of his constricted stranglehold on my sensitive shaft as it was humped into him over and over again, I eventually reached a point where I just couldn't give him anymore. Even if my sore lower back and exhausted thigh muscles could manage another go at it. Heh...Terrance enjoyed it sooooo much. I was proud to have given him an afternoon that he would remember for the rest of his days.
I fucked that boy from every angle that day! And even when I didn't have time to recharge from my last orgasmic eruption, Terrance tongue kissed me, stroked me, and sucked me, until I was painfully hard again and ready for another round. This went on for a few hours at least. By the time he kissed me goodbye and allowed me to put my clothes back on, I barely had enough energy to get back home. And I LOVED every minute of it! If it weren't for Terrance's mom coming home after 5 PM...we might STILL have had a few more arousing romps to hold us over until the next afternoon.
And that next afternoon was all but guaranteed.
Terrance found me at school and asked me how I was feeling. Almost as if he expected me to be 'sick' or something. Or possibly to have reversed my feelings for him right away. But I hadn't. Not at all. If anything...my feelings for him had grown stronger. I followed him home, once again, and there was no pretense involved when it came to us realizing the purpose for me to even be there. We rushed into the house and stripped naked as soon as we got there. Our erotic coupling had gotten to be much more enjoyable, now that some of those first time jitters had been shaken out and his body had become more accepting of my rock hard length as it slid into willing tunnel. For the next three or four days in a row, I went over to his house and fucked him HARD until I had emptied my sack into him as many times as my body would allow. And even then, Terrance only begged me for more, often dry humping me or attempting to use his plush lips and sopping wet tongue to work me back up to another steely erection. He likedcontrolling me. He liked controlling my control over him. But, at the end of the day...I just couldn't keep up with his need. Here I was, a teenage boy in his prime, and I still didn't have enough hot wax to keep his candle burning as brightly as he wished I could.
I wasn't even gay before...and now I have a boyfriend to please. How crazy is that?
It wasn't until the day before yesterday that something seemed to go astray. Feeling particularly horny for him that afternoon, I got a ride from a friend of mine and arrived at his house much earlier than expected. Terrance seemed surprised to see me when he opened the door. With a bit of a stutter, he told me to come in and seemed to be racing up the stairs to beat me to his bedroom. I honestly just thought that he was as excited as I was to pound that sweet ass of his yet again. The tight grip of him was soooo insane. I felt myself getting hard before I was even half way up the steps.
But turning into his room, I saw Terrance rapidly cleaning some junk off of his dresser. Just wrapping it up and looking for a place to tossit before I got a better look at it. I saw an old, musty, book on his desk...the pages turned yellow, brittle with age. A symbol was on the cover inside of a black circle, but it wasn't anything that I recognized. There wasn't any writing on it to tell me what the book was...just that symbol. Strange markings on the spine. Terrance quickly began to blow out a duo of candles on his dresser, the sweet smelling smoke filling the room with its unidentifiable fragrance. He was trying to hide the candles so quickly that some of the melted wax spilled over onto the back of his hand, causing him to yelp with the brief sting of a burn.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"Fine! Everything's fine!" He said, haphazardly moving stuff around with his back turned to me.
"I can help if you want..."
"NO!" He snapped. Then calmed down when he saw the strange look I gave him. "Just...stay beautiful for a minute, k?" He said, and smiled as he leaned in to give me a kiss on the lips. "Don't worry...you'll be fucking this sweet ass just as soon as I finish. Promise." He gave me a grope and a kiss on the cheek, before turning around to hide the rest of this...'stuff' on his dresser top.
He was being strange today. So very strange.
Curiosity got the best of me and I continued to peek around him to see what he was fiddling with. Why did it make him cringe so? That's when I noticed him carefully holding a small glass of warm, green liquid. It seemed to be rather thick in texture from the way it slowly swished back and forth. Almost like half frozen gelatin. What puzzled me most was a thin strip of paper that was partially submerged in the strange concoction...with a few brown hairs taped to it. In the paper...my name was written in all capital letters. I could see it clear as day. Why the heck would he even have that? What was he doing in there before I came knocking?
Not only that, but I happened to notice a second glass of green liquid on his desk. Same thing. Warm...thick...and another piece of paper in it. Except this one had a small collection of light blond hairs taped to it...dipping down into the liquid to soak up what it could. And the name written on the paper was 'Tommy Derris'.
Now, everybody at our school knows about Tommy Derris. He was one of those guys who was so good looking that it just made him seem arrogant, even when he wasn't trying to be. The kind of lovable blond boy that was so precious he got discovered in the mall as a kid and did some young fashion modeling for a few years, then gave it all up once he discovered girls. Girls fell all over themselves just to get a look at him everywhere he went, and he ate up every last bit of attention that he could get. I don't know why his name would exist anywhere in Terrance's bedroom...especially in my boyfriend's handwriting.
Terrance quickly turned to take the second glass out of my sight and hide it in the closet next to mine. The entire area had been swept clean of its arcane debris...and I suddenly felt this dull ache in the center of my heart. As though a ten pound weight had been attached to it with a rusty fishhook. Normally, I would have written it off as random jealousy...but this felt worse. Much worse. I almost couldn't comprehend the bout of sadness that crept up over my shoulders and nearly pressed me down to the floor, the dark sensation gnawing at the meat of my heart like some sort of hungry scavenger. Why Tommy Derris? Why think about him? What is this about?
Even when Terrance came over and started kissing me, thoughts of him even contemplating the act of being with someone else roasted my insides with a slow and steady burn. When he pulled my pants off and began greedily sucking my steel hard inches, his hands all over my thighs and abdomen...those thoughts haunted me. When he tongue kissed me, whimpering with lustful desperation...those thoughts remained. Even when he flipped over onto his stomach, wiggling that beautiful butt in the air to present it to me as a gift...I couldn't let it go.
We had sex a few times that afternoon. I gave him all I had, almost hurting my own back as I tried to make him feel so good that there would be no need for a Tommy Derris or any other boy to cross his mind. Oh how Terrance howled while I was thrusting into him, trying to go deeper than I ever have before. I want to push into those gooey insides with a fury, holding his body tight as sweat poured from my brow and dripped onto the back of his shoulders. The loud echo of flesh smacking against flesh...the noise of rhythmic squeaking coming from the springs in his battered mattress...my breathing so heavy that it came out of me in a series of guttural grunts and low moans. I wanted to own him! I wanted him to be mine and mine alone!
Terrance was breathless when it came time for me to go. I kissed him feverishly before going home, hoping to leave a lasting impression of my undying love for him. I needed him to know that we belonged together. Forever.
That brings me to where I am tonight.
Laying on my bed, this ache in my heart, wondering why my sweetheart didn't call. I tried to contact him yesterday...but he said that he couldn't see me. We made love for hours on end every single day since I fell for him...and now it's been almost 48 hours since I've seen him, and it hurts so much that I'm finding it hard to breathe. My eyes were misted with tears...the sound of raindrops falling against my window.
Terrance doesn't know that I watch him...
For over a week now...I've been watching him.
As much as I loved kissing him, holding him, fulfilling his every sexual desire...it still wasn't enough. I never quenched my thirst. Whatever spell he had cast on me made it impossible for me to spend a single moment of my waking life without him on my mind. I would secretly ride by his house at night, after his parents had come home from work. I would stare up at his bedroom window...wishing that he would walk past. Just for a second. Just so I could see his shadowed outline glide past the curtain and remind me of how beautiful he was. Some nights...when I couldn't sleep...I would Google his address and stare at static satellite footage of his house. Just knowing that he was asleep in there brought me some peace of mind, if only temporarily.
I followed Terrance's mom to the grocery store today. I kept my distance, but followed her up and down the aisles while she shopped. Terrance likes Poptarts. I saw her buying three boxes of them.
I bought some right afterward. So that I could bring them home and taste what he tastes. So that I could share in his experience. I walked around that store to see what fruit she buys, what grade of meat she put in her cart, what brand of soda or juice she decided to bring home to him. I know that it seems a little silly, but with each passing day, I've grown more infatuated with the idea of us being soulmates. We need to be together. We can't be apart. Without him, I doubt that my heart will want to ever beat again.
No...Terrance doesn't know how much he means to me. That's why I watch him. Why I study him. And...that's why I happened to see Tommy Derris leaving his house yesterday afternoon.
He seemed just as bewildered as I was the first time that I started having thoughts about quiet little Terrance. As many girls as I've seen Tommy drool over...there's just something about Terrance that makes you want him. Something invisible that draws you to him. Gay or not gay...it hardly matters. If you're lucky enough to have his gentle beauty call to you, there's no way you can turn it down. No way.
However...as much as I understand the majestic appeal of him and the helpless seduction involved...he was mine before he was Tommy's. I can't stay away from him long enough to share. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't just let him go. You have to understand...I simply won't be able to live without him. And he won't be able to live without me...
...I'm going to make certain of that.
Love was meant to be shared exclusively between two people. It's a union of two halves, a bond that should never be broken. Never wasted. Surely not squandered away on some random blond boy for the sake of instant gratification. You see...I made a commitment to him. I dedicated my heart to loving him for the rest of my life. That's how special he is to me. That's why I can't allow this to happen. A love this pure has to be protected at all costs. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm protecting it. Forever. And I can do that by making the whole thing a special memory. I like memories. I like them because they can't be altered. Can't be changed. Not once they're over and done with.
Yes. That's what I need to do. Get this over and done with.
Put our intense love and our special time together in the past where it belongs. Bring an end to our story before it turns into something tragic. I can't let that happen. I won't have what we experienced get ruined and tainted by lies and deceit now. No way. I'm keeping this love of ours safe by making it a memory that can't be changed. You understand? This story is beautiful where it is right here, right now. I don't want to spoil it by messing up the ending, right?
I felt bad about my mom having to use that really dull knife to cut up her beef brisket tonight. She wouldn't understand if I told her that the sharpest knife in the house was here in my bedroom...with me. She'd ask questions. I can't have her asking questions, now can I?
Well, I think it's safe to say that Terrance isn't going to call. I tried to wait him out, but he's had more than enough time. It's ok though. Because now...? Now my little visit tonight is going to be a complete surprise. Hehehe, I know how my baby loves surprises.
I walked downstairs and got ready to leave. Tucking the knife carefully into my sleeve. "Mom? I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back soon."
She said, "Are you sure? It looks like the rain is picking up. It might get pretty bad out there."
With a smile, I told her, "Don't worry, Mom. This won't take long. Not long at all."
So...off I go. I can't wait to see my sweetheart again. I'm actually shaking. I wish I didn't obsess over him so much, but I can't seem to help myself. I never had a choice in the matter. I love him. My Terrance. No matter how much it hurts me, or how much it's ultimately going to hurt him...the heart just wants what it wants.
Who could possibly have any 'control' over something like that?
Who would want to?
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