DISCLAIMER: This story contains adult content.
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Listen to my song.
Let me explain why I'm telling you this. It's very simple really. You have to listen, though. You can't interrupt me. There will be consequences you understand...if you told my secrets. Ok, good...as long as you understand.
Have you ever comprehended perfection?
Perfection. There was something in the way beautiful when my fingers touched the violin. The world would come alive around me.
The perfection was in the air as my bow in the strings. I was surprised how cleaned it sounded. The feeling inside of me grew ever steady. Yeah, I'd finally be accepted. This time they'd know I was the best. But they didn't appreciate music like this. Music like this was dead.
And I played the Dark Waltz. And it was perfect.
My violin made love to the song. The background singer let out her notes, slowly to my violin, "We are the lucky ones..."
I was never cocky unless it came to my music. Yes, my music was mattered most. And it was beautiful. It was strong.
And then when my song ended, they just sat there watching.
We were in the car on the way back from the concert.
"It was good. It was...fucking beautiful," Carter told me.
Carter was beautiful. He was the only reason I even got a place in the theater. I had grown up with him. We were like brothers. Or so he thought. I always wanted something more with him. Of course he didn't know I was a gay male. I never told anyone. I never acted on any type of love but my music. Worst part of it was that I was turning 21. I had sex before in my life with random males I met off the internet.
I'd never experienced love...well not love that could be returned. I loved Carter, for everything that he was. I excused him for everything that he couldn't be to me.
"They hated it," I replied.
He shook his head leaning forward, "They didn't hate it bro. I'm telling you. It's just...not the same era."
"I wouldn't even be playing at the Apollo if it wasn't for you."
"You have talent. Maybe you can go back to Juilliard..."
I turned towards the passenger seat. It was raining that day. It was raining rather hard actually. It usually didn't rain this hard in Harlem.
He was sensitive every time he talked about Juilliard, "They can teach you. Sure you have beautiful art but sometimes people want to see it on paper. They want to know that you are good, Adam."
I shook my head, "Carter, they were trying to stifle my gift."
He shook his head, "You're so stubborn. What am I going to do with you?"
"Be like my big brother and deal with it," I stated laughing.
He grabbed me pulling me close underneath his arm. He held it for a few minutes. I could smell his cologne. Carter was everything an undercover faggot could ever dream of. He was sensitive, almost to suspicion. He had strong masculine body and a serious, stern face. He was a heartthrob. Women every where desired him.
"You can always...come on tour with me..." he replied.
"Yeah. You can help me write new music. Help me...I don't know. Anything. Just be around," Carter stated, "I want to have you around."
I believed him. Carter never lied to me.
"We don't write the same type of music. You are becoming a big R&B star. People like that kind of stuff. You are going far. I'll just slow you down."
"I need you around," Carter stated, "I don't want to go on tour without you."
"I don't get into that lifestyle. You know how I am..."
"You're stuck up," Carter stated, "But once in your life, I think it's time to loosen up. To break your laws. Adam. I'm here for you. Feel me? We can go far...together. After our foster parents died...we are all that we have. You know that."
"That means we have to stick together."
Carter and I had always been
My birth mother had sold me when I was just a
child for a one way ticket out of New York to a mad woman who collected
children. The cops caught on and the mad
woman was sent to jail.
I was sent to a foster home. Carter was a part of the foster home. We were raised together and then everyone died in a fire. It was horrible but at that time Carter was 18 years old and he took custody of me since I was 16. We were able to live on our own for a while.
Truth was though is he wasn't my brother, but we had no one else. No one else close enough.
"Happy birthday," Carter stated.
He leaned close to me and kissed me on the side of my face. It was a soft tender kiss. He held on this compassion for me and sometimes I just wanted to tell him how I really felt. I would never get the chance though...
I smiled as he kissed me on the side of my face.
"Carter...I have something to tell you," I stated.
It wouldn't hurt. Maybe he'd thought it would be sick because he looked at me as family. Maybe he felt the same way somewhere deep inside. Maybe he'd just ignore it.
"Wait a sec," he stated and stopped, "Here...take this."
It was a gift wrapped up. I opened the box and looked down. I unwrapped it slowly, trying so hard not to lean over and give him another kiss...that wasn't so brotherly.
Carter smiled as he watched me open it. He was just as excited as I was. I looked down and saw what was in the box. It was something...beautiful. It was a necklace. It wasn't any just random necklace though. It was a beautiful...beautiful necklace.
It was on a chain, a rather feminine chain actually and attached to it was a long golden fang.
"I found it in china town," he stated, "A vendor sold it to me. She said I should give it to someone special. It's beautiful isn't it? It made me think about you..."
"Oh my god..."
"Do you like it?"
I more then liked it. It was so solid and heavy. It reflected light from all sides. I couldn't help what happened next.
Imagine my fear as I put everything aside for the first time in my life. I forgot all my rules and my closet for the first time in my life and I leaned forward and did what no "Brother" was supposed to ever do.
I kissed him.
Not on the side of the cheek.
I kissed him on his lips.
I kissed him square on his lips and JESUS!
His lips were so soft!
My eyes opened to see him standing there watching me, his eyes widened as though completely shocked by my action.
"We should get upstairs."
He stated it and walked out of the car before I got the chance to say anything else. It was raining outside so it didn't surprise me he made a mad dash for his loft.
I stayed with Carter in his loft in Harlem. It was a beautiful apartment. We just moved into it a month ago after he was signed to Universal Records. Carter could sing his heart out. Our love for music, even though two different genres always brought us closer together.
I chased after him.
I was such a fucking idiot!
I'd ruined everything! He hadn't even said anything. He hadn't kissed me back...AT ALL! When had I become so retarded.
I climbed the stairs instead of taking the elevator. It was going to be awkward as hell when I got into the apartment. I had to get my thoughts right. I had just tell him...tell him everything. Tell him I'd always loved him. I'd gone as far as to kiss him. He knew that I had an attraction at least. He had to know everything now.
Why would he love me though? I wasn't sexy. I wasn't sexy by far. My forehead was too big. My nose had a huge knot in it. I was scrawny and skinny as hell. He had all the muscles. I was fucking short.
I was alright...but he was...IT.
Fuck was wrong with me?
I opened the door, "Carter, I want to..."
Immediately I saw the crowds of people in his loft. They turned on the light and started clapping. A huge banner was over the dining room table reading "HAPPY 21st ADAM".
Why? I smiled looking confused. I didn't know 75% of the people in the room and the ones that I did know were all very close to Carter. Their love for carter at times "drifted" down to me, but none of them were my true friends. I didn't really have any true friends...besides Carter.
"Oh my god how do you feel!" Dianne stated.
She was Carter's girlfriend. At the time at least. A couple other people came up to me. They shook my hand. Congratulated me.
Just smile Adam. Don't break down in front of all these people.
That's when I saw Carter's publicist Williamson. He came over to me handing me a wad of money, "Where's your big brother?"
"He isn't my big brother."
"Where is he at?" the publicist stated, "Carter! There you are! Come take a picture with your little brother!"
I was getting ignored, like usual. I could never take the spotlight away from Carter. I had gotten used to it however. I had gotten used to the fact that I would never amount to much of anything.
Carter's face as he arose from the kitchen looked deathly. He was so uncomfortable. It was clear. Our eyes caught for a minute but then he looked away.
"What's wrong Carter?" Dianne
stated, "It's your brother's birthday. You
should be a little more happy."
"That isn't my brother," I repeated.
"Let's have a pic
of the brothers together," the publicist stated, "Here Carter give him this
money. We can release it to the
press. Carter taking
care of his poor helpless little brother."
Carter didn't look me in my eyes. He grabbed the cash and got close to me for the picture. We still didn't look at one another.
Things had never been awkward between us. He was the only one in the world that thought I mattered. He was the only one in the world that actually cared about me.
We took a picture together.
"Ok good, now run along," Dianne told me immediately, "Let's have a picture of Carter and I. Enjoying the festivities. Make sure you get my Diors..."
I was pushed aside, like usual. Fucking assholes. Sometimes I felt like I would get used to it, but then other times it just pissed me off. I wanted to talk to Carter...I wanted my time with him...JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
I downed a shot of tequila that was being carried around at a tray. I looked around the room. There were 40 people. 40 people in this party for me. 40 people that couldn't give two fucks about me. 40 people that only came for Carter.
"You should smile," some random guy told me walking around, "They take a picture of you and you'll make Carter look bad, looking so damn depressed on the birthday party that Carter threw for you."
"Thanks for the advice," I stated sarcastically rolling my eyes and looking away, "Jackass."
I was over these people. Carter was the only one that meant anything to me in this apartment. They were still taking pictures. It was ridiculous. How didn't he go blind from all the camera shots he saw in a day.
Where was my violin when I needed it? I just wanted to lock myself in my room and get lost in my strings like I usually did. I just wanted to disappear to the world.
That was when I saw Carter get away.
He went into the kitchen again. Why the hell was he hanging out in the kitchen? I followed him realizing however that I was in competition with Dianne who was hot on his tale.
I got into the kitchen to see her asking him what's wrong.
"Are you ok? Baby? It seems like you are a little turned off. What happened?" Dianne asked him, completely begging, being the little persistent brat she was.
"Um, can I have a minute with Carter?" I asked her.
Shouldn't you be...I don't know. Doing something else right now?" Dianne stated
shrugging her shoulders, "You know. Whatever it is that you are always doing..."
"Playing the violin?"
That...um...hobby," Dianne stated, "Your brother isn't in a good mood right
now. Can't you see that."
"He isn't my brother," I stated. Bitch.
"Dianne, it's ok," Carter stated surprisingly, "I have to talk to Adam for a minute if you don't mind."
Dianne looked at me and then looked at Carter. It was clear she didn't think a fucking thing about me.
She looked confused as hell and asked, "Well...why?"
She was so serious. She couldn't figure for the life of her what was so important about me that Carter would want to take some time off and talk to me. No one really could. I usually came off as so... `unimportant' to people.
"Please Dianne." Carter stated not looking at her, as he took a shot of vodka straight from the bottle.
That was why he was in the kitchen. I watched as Dianne nodded at me suspiciously as though I was going to bore Carter to death.
We sat there in the kitchen for a couple seconds as Carter took another shot of liquor. He handed it to me and I took a shot as well. We stood there for a second or two more. It was so strange.
"How long?" he asked me.
I looked down at the floor, "All my life."
"I always thought you were different. I just didn't know you were gay. Man this is a lot. You know. Just cause I've shared beds with you. You've seen me naked so many times. You could have told me a long time ago..."
"I'm not different just because I'm gay. I'm just...different."
"I didn't mean it like that Adam," he stated and shrugged, "You're special. I know you're special. No one else is so dedicated to their art as you are. It inspired me. I just mean...you never showed any interest in females."
"I never showed any interest in males either."
Silence again. Awkwardness again. I guess I was expecting it to be like that. I couldn't say I was too surprised. What does one expect when they come out of the closet to someone who had turned such a blind eye.
"I can't do this," Carter stated, "I
love you but...I can't. What did you
expect me to do when you kissed me? Did
you expect me to confirm all those long stares we exchange as something more?
Did you expect me to say our chemistry was more then
"I NEVER expect..." I stated rather loudly but then turned to see that no one was listening before I lowered my voice and repeated, "I never expected anything...only...hoped."
"Hoped that I'd give up everything. That I'd give up my dreams and aspirations of being a music star, living in the spotlight to hide in the shadows with you. I'm sorry. If this world were different...if..."
All of a sudden he stopped talking. I could see it was getting to him. SOMETHING was getting to him. I wasn't sure what it was but it was making my heart beat so hard.
"What if this world were different?
Continue what you were saying?"
"It doesn't matter. The world isn't different. It is what it is. And there are rules. And if you are going to be an idol...like how I AM GOING TO BE AN IDOL...you have to follow those rules."
"Carter...please, please don't break my heart right now. I can see something in you when you look at me. Please don't make it seem like I've been crazy. It took years for me to build this confidence. It'll destroy me if..."
"I have to go...enjoy the rest of the party and tell them I got sick."
He walked out.
"...It'll destroy me if you leave," I continued stating.
It was too late though. The tears started to spill all over the place. Just at that moment Dianne ran into the kitchen alongside Williamson.
They were like a parade of accusations almost immediately as they came in.
"Look what you did, you upset him," Dianne stated.
"What the hell did you say?" Williamson backed her up, even pushing her out of the way to get in my face. I could sock up right then if I were a different person.
"I knew it. I knew people like you always want to bring people who are better then them down to their level. You jealous? You jealous you don't have anything going on in your life but a goddam fiddle."
"People like me?" I asked, "Get the fuck out of my way."
I pushed past them.
Fiddle. That is what the bitch called it. A fiddle. I wasn't about to let these people...these assholes control my life. I wanted to chase him, but I wouldn't. My pride wouldn't let me go so far.
My pride only let me go halfway to the kitchen and there were all these people and I was crying all of a sudden. I had to hide. I had to go hide away.
I ran to the bathroom.
I locked the door behind me and ran the sink water. I needed silence. Cause when there was silence I could pretend I was hearing something else.
I could pretend I was hearing something better, something much sweeter. I began to hear the soothing violin as I dunked my head in a sink full of cold brisk water.
What if I left my head under the water? What if I full my lungs with it?
I wouldn't have to deal with Carter. I wouldn't have to deal with all these dickheads. If only I could allow myself to die right here and now. How would they feel then? Then I'd be somebody if I were dead. They'd all be sad about the times they never paid me any attention. Carter would be upset because he didn't love me. If only I could die now.
I took my head from outside of the water.
I didn't need any of them to confirm my existence. I existed to myself. My music was beautiful in my own ears. That's all that mattered. Everything else was nothing. It didn't matter. Nothing else existed as long as I knew the truth.
It was an immediate, scary silence as a matter of fact.
Strange music was playing now. It wasn't the Kanye West song that was playing before I came into the bathroom. It was classical music now. It was a...a violin playing. What the fuck was going on?
I opened the door...
A smell that I received when I opened the door seemed a testimony to the fact that my life was going to be over very...very soon. The smell of death all around me.
Dead people were all around me. I almost threw up. Oh my god. Oh my god. Blood splattered everywhere. The carpets were drenched in blood.
"Oh my fucking
I breathed heavily looking around. Just a few minutes ago everyone was alive. Was this a dream? No...my heart was beating too fast for it to be a dream.
Everyone was dead...EVERYONE.
I looked at the bodies on the floor. I could see a couple of Carter's close friends lying in a puddle of their own blood. Some of their limbs were missing, scattered perhaps on the other side of the room.
My feet made a sticky sound as I walked across the carpet.
I found it hard to breathe. Tears covered my face. Everyone I knew was dead. Everyone...but Carter? Had had made it out. Had Carter made it out of the house?
"CARTER!" I cried out, not understanding my own voice because I was swallowing horrified tears at the time, "Carter."
What kind of animal had rummaged threw this place? How had it killed so fast? How had it killed so silently?
I just cared about Carter though. Please still be alive Carter...please.
"You...I've been looking for you...come into the living room."
A voice had appeared, but I couldn't tell exactly where it was coming from. It seemed to be coming from everywhere. It was coming from in my head.
It was a woman's voice. It had a thick accent, as though foreign. Of course I couldn't put my finger on it. I was so afraid of the voice. My body was shaking. Every part of me wanted to run out of the front door, but instead for some odd reason I found myself following the voice...to the living room.
I stepped over the bodies, tripping into the living room.
I ended up on a body that looked quite familiar. It was an old friend of Carter's that was in his band actually. GOD NO...GOD HELP ME! I was covered in his thick blood as I stood up.
I shut my eyes.
I never was very religious but I found myself praying, "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures..."
"Open your eyes child. Look upon me."
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
As I did, I saw something so terrifying. Something I didn't expect at all. Probably the last thing that I expected.
It was a woman. A black woman, with dark skin. Her head was bald. Her lips covered in purple colored powder. Her eyes full like a young woman in love.
She was covered in jewels and wore long silk that dragged along the carpet. The white silk hid her lower body. She seemed as though she was leaning something, but there was nothing for her to lean on. Her body was in such an awkward stance that I couldn't quite explain. It was remarkable really as though she was suspending herself in this impossible position.
She was the most beautiful thing I'd seen my life. She was a walking work of art. And her demeanor, her clothing, her scent seemed as though it was from a different time.
"Are you going to kill me?"
It was the only thing on my mind.
"Human are so strange to me. When they know they are about to die, life becomes so precious," she stated, "Yes you will die today. It is inevitable. Nothing can save you."
I started to cry. The tears were falling down my face in such a cold way. I knew she was right. Whatever this woman was, I knew she didn't seem like she was a liar. I had a gift for reading deceit. She was telling the truth. She had this power that I could not understand.
I knew she could kill me. She had power enough to keep me here with just a stare. I knew she had power enough to kill me, just like she did all the rest of these people.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
have called me many names. In all
regards, I am everything they have called me and more."
"Satan?" I asked.
It was the first thing that came to mind when I thought of her. Could you imagine just being so afraid that you think whatever it was standing in front of you was the devil.
she stated and laughed, "I am the first.
And I shall be the only, the sweetest Lilith. Forever
It didn't mean anything to me at the time. Truth was I knew my life was over. I just had one thought in my head. I was thinking of him. Carter. Why even now? Why even on the brink of my death was he the only thing on my mind?
She took steps towards me. I assumed they were steps. I couldn't be quite sure. She moved so gracefully it was almost as though she could have been floating to me.
"What are you?"
"I've searched for you. Are you ready? Are you ready to be reborn?"
Some say what happened next should have been gruesome. It should have been disgusting. I should have felt horrible, but it was nothing like you assumed.
Death was gentle actually. It felt most like the day that Carter and I were together in Coney Island. We got on the Ferris wheel and went around and around. Then when we got off we were so disoriented that we ran around in circles. And we laughed and we laughed and we did it all over again.
That was what death felt like.
Please join us at the Yahoo Group...for discussion of the story and to give some feedback about what you think about the story, as well as other stories by this author.