WANK Radio By John Candu JACK AUF Greetings from Amsterdam, home of WANK Radio's world-wide, satellite broadcast of SEX TALK -- the program that discusses what YOU want to know! I'm your host, Jack Auf, and we'll be taking your calls live from around the world. Our guest this evening is UCLA sexologist Dick Leeks whose controversial research into prison sex shows that formerly violent offenders who undergo a strict program of daily sex with at least one massive ejaculation are less prone to violence and able to become better citizens upon release. His discoveries could very well change the way society views sex. Dick holds a doctorate in physiology and is author of the number one best-seller, "The Cumming Life: Your Sexual Awakening." Dick, we're delighted to have you with us. DICK LEEKS Thank you, Jack. Pleased to be here. JACK AUF Listeners, dial our WANK-Line right now at 1-555-CUM-WANK. You can also email your questions to Gude@screwing.you.cum. Professor, tell us about your work and why it has raised such an uproar in academia. DICK LEEKS First, I'd like to say that the "uproar" comes only from a small but vocal segment of the scientific community, mostly from older researchers whose own physiological output has petered out. Ironically, perhaps they are the very ones who stand to gain the most benefit from our findings. JACK AUF And your findings are...? DICK LEEKS Trial studies suggest that prisoners who butt-fuck or get fucked and/or sucked and have regular daily orgasms are happier, exhibit friendlier behavior and are better-adjusted than those who don't. I hasten to point out that our data are based on anecdotal evidence only -- rather than control-group studies, which we plan to initiate next month after receipt of a $100 million federal grant approved last week by the President. Our study may reveal that the most optimally crime-free, happy society is the one in which everyone gets off at least once a day. JACK AUF Wow! So, for a study of this magnitude, geez, we're talkin'... what?, ... literally thousands of locked up fuckers under the microscope. DICK LEEKS Precisely. To date, our sample is too small for accuracy. With the funding we can now stop using t-room cams and probe into a larger number of subjects. The study -- called PRICK, short for Prison Research Investigating Cumming Kriminals -- would be conducted in more than a hundred prison-based laboratories around the U.S. Each lab would resemble facilities where sleeping disorders are diagnosed. In our case, we would use the labs to pair inmates and observe the fuckers' behavior. JACK AUF Very interesting! Being a devil's advocate for just a moment -- why is your work so important? Is it relevant to the average swinging dick listener out there? DICK LEEKS There are enormous implications. Legalized prostitution, eradication of taboos and elimination of sex laws are just some of the logical outcomes that spring up in my mind. JACK AUF Let's go to our first caller. From San Francisco, you're on the air! CALLER 1 Hello Dr. Leeks. I'd like to know whether tops are happier than bottoms. DICK LEEKS Excellent question. A surprising finding is that tops and bottoms enjoy equal satisfaction -- but only when both partners are experienced in their roles. If either partner is inexperienced, the outcome can certainly deflate the indices in our paradigm. However, there are inherent problems with your terminology, um, the scientific descriptions, vis-a-vis "tops," "bottoms" and such-like, which I'll explain later. JACK AUF Toronto, Canada! Hello! You're on the air. CALLER 2 How many variations are there in male-to-male sex? DICK LEEKS (Chuckling) That's such a broad topic it could warrant another study. We're finding there's an array of behaviors that we can thrust into two groups: the "Spears" and the "Vases." Perhaps that's a mixed metaphor -- maybe "sword" and "sheath" would be better, but Vase implies a larger container. Anyway, Spear is the giver, the alpha male, the initiator. The "Vase," of course, is the receptive vessel. The important thing is that the Spears and Vases should be well matched. Two Vases would not be very happy together, for example. In real life, though, we find that people are often more flexible than scholars think and that some are both Spears and Vases, depending on the situation -- as in group sex. It's not better to be a Spear or a Vase or vice versa -- each has an equally pleasurable role to play and both appear to get off equally well. JACK AUF Birmingham, Alabama! Welcome! Your question? CALLER 3 Yeah. Uh, I wuz wunderin'... uh, I wanna know how tha perfesser gits off thar... JACK AUF If I understand the caller correctly, he's asking what turns you on. Want to take a shot at that one doc? DICK LEEKS Let me answer by example. Nothing makes me hornier than a well-sculpted young man packing eight inches or better. Cut. Smooth. Last night I was fortunate to have a graduate assistant working late with me while running some statistics. This student -- lets call him Rod -- is nearly six feet tall, lean, tanned all over, and has a gorgeous cock above a big sack of nuts. He's about 19. When his cock is hard, despite its size and weight, it sticks out straight. Rod has very little hair on his body except in the pubic area, where he has the fluffiest pubes you've ever run your tongue over -- a warm soft fluffy forest of lightly scented hair that's shampooed and blow-dried daily. I could spend hours just snaking my tongue through his bush and licking his balls, shaft and hole. I often alternate this technique by sucking hickies on his thighs near his balls. And while Rod has firm muscles, his skin is soft to the touch -- with the exception of his cockmeat, which is so wonderfully erect and hard. I hope I'm answering the caller's question... JACK AUF (Breathing fast, wiping his brow) You're doing fine, Dick. DICK LEEKS Furthermore, I am a "Vase" type according to the analogy I used a moment ago. And Rod is very much a "Spear." The most arousing thing for me is precisely what happened last night: I kneeled in front of him, unlatched his belt, dropped his drawers, and worshipped his massive cock with my lips and tongue. He's too big to swallow whole, but there's where the challenge makes the suckfest more erotic -- requiring remarkable stamina and patience to completely satisfy a mule dick like that. Completely hard, Rod's as big around as, say, a bottle of Old Spice. But through a combination of jacking his shaft while running my wet tongue and lips beneath his head and sucking him as deep as I can, I can feel his stud-beef begin to twitch and jerk and respond. Then I know he's about to enter a quantifiable state. JACK AUF (Sounding winded. What's that slapping-flesh noise?) Caller from Oregon -- go ahead. CALLER 4 (Gasping for breath, as if he's jogging. Meat slapping in background.) When it's so big you can't get your fist around it, much less your lips, what's the best way to bring him off as things heat up? JACK AUF (Sounding like HE'S jogging now.) Whaddabout it doc? DICK LEEKS There's no one "best" way. Personally, I enjoy nursing on the big fucker's cock as long as it takes for him to get ready, as evidenced by a good supply of precum. Then there are many, many techniques we can use to get him off. Taking him up the ass, for instance, is a personal favorite. But this is not for the uninitiated. It may take years of practice to get your anal muscles pliable enough to stretch open for such a big cock, and even then you may have to use massive amounts of lubrication. Too, there's the risk of needing a butt plug the rest of your life. I'll never forget the first ass-fucking I got by a huge lumberjack. My ass felt like he had pushed an ax handle up it. He dry fucked me for half and hour, in and out, so tight you couldn't have hammered a toothpick between his cock and my colon, and he came and came again and then wanted some more. When he finally pulled his dick out of my ass it was covered with shit, blood and spunk. I couldn't walk straight for weeks. Come to think of it, perhaps that's where we get the "straight" metaphor for heterosexuals. It's easy for *them* to walk straight, you know. JACK AUF (Against a background sound of rustling clothing, zippers unzipping) Is dry fucking advisable in this day of deadly sexual disease? DICK LEEKS (Over the sound of clothing being dropped on the floor and skin slapping skin.) Oh! uhh!! AAA! Slow! [Pause.] Good question Jack. [Pause.] Uh! Nothing to fear -- God yes! faster!! -- as long as you're certain your partner is healthy. JACK AUF (Totally out of breath, speaking in gasps) Why -- uh! -- do you think -- ah! yeah! -- porn flicks always show -- uh! -- guys pulling out of an asshole -- uh! -- before they cum? Then cumming all over the guy's back? uh! I think it's more fun to leave the cock inside. uh! uh! DICK LEEKS (In raspy breaths) ooo! uh! -- Traditionally, that's cinematic proof -- aw! oh! -- that the orgasm's not faked. Harder! PUMP HARDER!! JACK AUF (Staccato breathing) God! I'm cumming! I mean, uh!, we're going to commercial break! uh! uh! aaaaahhh.... [60 SECOND PAUSE FOR COMMERCIALS, THEN...] JACK AUF (Calmly exhaling cigarette smoke) Well, doc, I've cum to see how draining your work really is, and I also see what you mean about the calming quality it gives. I mean, right now I have no anger, not even against that goat-sucking cunt producer upstairs. That's all for tonight. Tune in tomorrow when our guest will be a hermaphrodite who will discuss the joys of multiple sex partners and orgasms that just won't quit. Til then, this is Jack Auf saying, Fuck and Suck til you Drop! ----------------------------------- Please send comments to: too_hot_in_bama@hotmail.com