Understanding my submission 19
I knew that more people had begun to think different things about me since I had been with James. The women at the laser clinic assumed that I was going through the change to become a woman. One in particular told me about a great salon to get my nails done one day as she was doing my legs. Another commented that she liked my new earrings and asked about my nipple rings. I know that as usual I could feel my face flush red when they asked me questions about myself. I told the one woman, I didnÕt need a nail salon, and she assumed that I was going to wait. She told me, oOh I understand, sugar, you are waiting until you get your breasts done.o THAT really embarrassed me. She must have seen some men through here that were making a complete change to become a woman. I was pretty humiliated after that if I had to go see her for my appointment. She was always trying to sell me a facial hair removal package, or one for inside my bikini line as she called it.
Mr. LeForge at work took to calling me osugaro or ohoneyo when he saw me. He got a great amount of amusement from it, always smiling or laughing. He did it around a few other people too, so other men took to looking at me strangely that had not noticed me at all before that. I donÕt know what they thought. It was a bit humiliating to be called honey and sugar in front of colleagues, but he had control because he was a real man, one that KNEW he had control over me. One of the women at the office said I should not let him harass me at work like that. She said it was against the law, but I knew that he wasnÕt harassing me. He was just saying what was true, and other than brief embarrassment at the truth it didnÕt bother me. Deep down I actually enjoyed him calling me honey or sugar. Strange, I know, but it made me realize he knew I was going to be submissive to him and it reinforced for me that a man would always take the lead as far as I was concerned.
I looked at myself in the mirror one morning. I didnÕt see the same person that I saw a couple years ago, before I met Mr. Ericsson, before Mr. Williams, or before James. I saw a lot of different things than I saw then. I had more muscle than I had before. I also had less hair, only a bit around my crotch, and none anywhere else. I lifted my arms, no hair there. Despite the added muscle I looked more feminine I thought. I finished putting lotion on my legs, noting their hairlessness. Looking at my chest, I saw nipples that poked out much more than they used to, with rings through them. I checked my earrings, put on a necklace that James had bought me, really just links of chain, around my neck. He liked the look of it because it resembled a dog collar, but it had no ring to attach a leash or anything. James didnÕt get into that sort of thing, but he did occasionally grab the necklace and pull me close using it in that manner. As I looked at my hands adjusting the necklace, I saw my nails. James had made me grow them out some. Not super long or anything, but certainly more than a man could get away with doing. They were visible beyond the tips of my fingers. He had not made me polish them or anything yet, but they were there, reminding me that I didnÕt control the length of them, making me question what I was. James said he liked them clawing at his back when he was fucking me. I looked at my dick and my balls. Sometimes I used to stand in front of a mirror and jack off, but I had no interest in that any longer. I no longer felt an urge in my groin. My hole was another matter. My ass, or as I had come to think of it, my cunt, had all sorts of urges. I needed to feel a man inside me now on a regular basis. I needed a man to feed me his cock, his load. Once I had orgasmed just from having a man fuck me, which was what I wanted all the time. I didnÕt even gat hard when I got fucked anymore, I didnÕt need it because I came when a man was fucking me. It was altogether different than blowing a load like I used to do, but it felt so much better to me with a man inside me, just having cum drooling out and my orgasm flowing through my body.
I wondered if my dick had become smaller. Did that happen if it didnÕt get used? I swore my balls had shrunk up. They pulled up tight to my body the minute a man started fucking me, often even disappearing into my abdomen. James called them ovaries when they did that. He was always referring to my body parts with names of parts from the female gender. James had even found panties called a gaff that helped to tuck my balls up into my abdomen and hide my dick. He said that keeping my balls up there would slow-cook my load, make my cum unusable for breeding. He said a faggot didnÕt need to be able to breed anyway. He also liked the smooth look they gave in the tight jeans he had me wearing. I had to admit, that it was hard to tell whether I had a dick or not in the pants, once I had the gaff on. I put the latest pair of panties on, and tucked things away, leaving me as smooth as a guy could get, and slipped on my jeans that hugged my ass and my hips. I looked at myself dressed and thought to myself that I looked really like a fag, not male at all, not female, something else.
I understood now that I was a faggot. James and other men had defined that for me. A faggot functioned for the pleasure of another man, and a faggotÕs pleasure was derived from a man. But, I was confused and beginning to wonder what James was doing to me with the piercings, the shaving then removal of my body hair, the constant referral to me as girl, and the training me to not use my dick. Having me hide my balls. I was getting confused. When did I stop being a guy and then become a girl. Was faggot another gender? Did he want to continue feminizing me? If that was what he was doing, was I comfortable with everything that had happened? How could I be sure? I loved everything about James. He was a real man. He let me know he was in charge and I did everything he wanted without thinking now and it felt right. He made me realize just how much I wasnÕt a man, how much of a faggot I was. But sometimes I wondered what I was doing?
I finally told James that week how confused I was, and asked him what he was doing with me. He just laughed at first. He thought the story from the laser salon was hilarious. He loved the fact that Mr. LeForge called me sugar or honey at work.
oBoy, those are some funny stories,o James told me. oYou think IÕm gonna change you into a woman? What would I want a woman for? IÕm just pushing you to see what you will do for me, pushing you to see what your limits are, boy. A man is going to push to see what he can get you to do. IÕm not the first man to test your limits, IÕm just the first to push you this far. The first time I came over here, I came over cause I saw a pic of you on that website. You had a nice chest and a good-looking ass. When I got here I put you through a real good test of what I want a boy to do, and you handled it all just fine, and I said to myself, THAT is a good boy, there is someone I could have some fun with and he can handle it all. You think a woman is gonna let me do all that to her? No way, boy. Not gonna happen.o
oI already own those titties. I went and got those nipples pierced. I bought jewelry for you to wear that goes right through those nipples. I may not have been the person driving those pieces of metal through that flesh but you sure as hell were looking at me when it happened. I played with those nipples of yours till they stick out and pop like a girlÕs nipples do. Just the thought of my hand on them or a dick in your hole and those nipples turn hard and pop.o James laughed at the thought of it. oIf I thought that they could give milk with out too much work, IÕd consider making you do that too,o he added. oIÕll have to see if that is possible,o he seemed to speak that piece to himself as much as me. I could feel myself turning red as he talked about my chest giving milk.
oWhen I got here and saw all that hair on you, I wanted it gone. YouÕre a faggot, not a man. What you need all that hair for? Not like you are using it for anything. Men have hair, fags donÕt. Women donÕt need their hair so they shave it, I was just making sure you knew who was the man when I got here, making sure you knew who was in charge, making you follow an order to see if you would do it. Having it done permanently is just another way to do that. Who cares what those women at that salon think, you know you not going to be a woman. I like the man titties you got, not any others, IÕm not going to tell you to go get some just to see if youÕd do it. Fuck, I know now that youÕd do whatever I told you to. You think youÕd say no, if I wanted you to go get some implants? Answer me boy.o
I looked at James. I knew in my heart he was right. I probably wouldnÕt say no if he told me to do it, or insisted that it was something he wanted. oNo, Sir,o I said. oIf you wanted it, I would probably do it. I know if it would make you happy I would?I would feel I should do it, Sir. I love it when you are happy, and so it would make me happy too. But, but please donÕt make me do that , Sir,o I was pleading. I didnÕt want to become a girl. I did know that it would make me happy if he wanted it, whatever he was going to ask.
oShit, boy, you went right off and got your hair lasered when I said to go do that. I know youÕll listen to me. You know you like that. Can you tell me you donÕt like it?o he asked.
I thought about it for a second and looked into his eyes. I could tell he was being serious. oNo Sir, I canÕt say that,o I answered.
oExactly, boy. You know you look and feel better hairless. Feel more like the faggot you are than the man you werenÕt meant to be,o he told me. I couldnÕt argue with him. It made me more aware of my body, seeing all that skin. It also DID make me feel better. I had learned that from Mr. Ericsson too. I couldnÕt imagine being hairy any more. It would look out of place on me. James took my hand and sat next to me. He had strong hands, ones that fit his big muscular arms. He continued explaining things to me. oYour nails look good, girl.o I blushed hearing him call me a girl, hearing him mention them, I could still be humiliated. I looked at my hands, wrapped in his. It was clear that someoneÕs hands were manly and strong and someoneÕs hands were more feminine. If I didnÕt know they were my hands, just looking at them as a picture one might believe that a man and a woman were holding hands. oI love to see you down on your knees, your faggot hands wrapped around my cock. Love seeing those nails looking good and feeling them scratching on me when you are grabbing on for a ride.o It made James happy, I could to tell, to see my hands looking this way. So I knew if he wanted them that way, thatÕs how I would keep them. Discussing this made me realize that I wanted to do what he wanted.
James rubbed the crotch of my pants. He smiled. oThatÕs nice. Got that all tucked away. No need for it to be on display. YouÕre not going to be using it anytime soon, he added needlessly. oI got you to stop paying any attention to your little dicklet and it stopped getting hard. I didnÕt think I would win that one, but I did. Your dick not been hard in a good long time unless I told you it could be hard. Once I got that controlled, then thereÕs no need to keep it out on display is there? Might as well tuck those nuts up inside you like ovaries and pull that dick behind you. ItÕs all pretty much useless equipment now, isnÕt it? If I wanted to get rid of your equipment, I would.o That me sit up and pay attention. I didnÕt want to lose my, my?equipment. I was still a guy, what would I be without it?
oBut IÕm not going to make you do anything like that bitch. I already got rid of it in your mind. For all intents and purposes you donÕt have a dick anymore. It allowed you to focus on my dick, and allowed you to see what you are best at, taking cock in that hole of yours. It has become like your own cunt, and you cant say you donÕt enjoy sex because I hear you moaning and squealing about how good it is and that useless dick just leaks your juice. I just made you realize that your best sex is when that dicklet became useless.
oWhen we go out, boy, I want people to know exactly where things stand between us. I want folks to look at us and say, thatÕs a fine man, and look at his fag. There are no questions asked, are there, boy? You donÕt get any of that, oWhoÕs the top? What do you DO when you are together?o shit. People KNOW what we are doing together. They can see that you got the earrings, you are smooth and hairless, but youÕre not a woman, boy, they can see that too. They see your hands and think look at how pretty she trying to make herself. They take one look at your jeans and cant see a dick. They think to themselves, that fine looking black man has got himself a nice white faggotboy.o James laughed. I had to laugh too since he put it that way. oIf I want to put you in panties or some other clothing to just emphasize that fact to you or someone I want to see you, then are you gonna stop me, boy? If I take you to the nail salon and get you a manicure, you gonna stop me?o
oNo, Sir. I canÕt stop you, I would have to do what you wanted, so that I keep you happyo I told him.
oExactly, you are a good boy. Obedient and you follow through with what I want you doing. You know exactly whoÕs in charge and you like it when a man takes the lead for you. What is wrong with other people seeing that too? You should be proud that you know who and what you are, boy. If I take you out and make you look like what people think is a girl, what difference does it make? You are still going to be getting the same thing you getting now,o he squeezed his crotch to emphasize what he was talking about.
James made sense. Why did I always try to fight what was right for me? Or try to fight against the way I was created? I didnÕt need to be worried or think about things like this, it was too confusing for me. Mr. Ericsson had said not to think just do what I was told and things would be better for me.
oThat man at your work is just one man that has figured you out, boy. There are others. HeÕs just pushing you to see what he can get away with. He just sounds like another man like me. He has a woman at home, but heÕs gonna push and see what he can get you to do for him. HeÕs just not afraid to tell you the way it is. A real man is going to use a faggot for as much as he feels he can get from the fag. HavenÕt straight men used you before boy?o
oHow is it any different than if I used you?o James asked me.
I thought for a bit about all the men I knew through the years and the straight ones that had made use of me for any number of things. oI guess I canÕt say Sir, there isnÕt any real difference that I can think of, Sir.o
oThatÕs right,o James told me. oThere isnÕt any, they are men. They are in charge of you. You are just that way, boy. You are obedient. You are a good boy, a good faggot. You are gonna be used and you need to know that. ItÕs just the way the world works. Some guys are faggots, girls, bitches, submissives, whatever you want to call it. They just feel better, and feel fulfilled when they are following a manÕs direction, a manÕs orders, doing what they can to provide service for him. You ever felt a different way, boy, like taking charge and running another manÕs life?o
oNo, Sir.o I knew the answer to that. Life was just too confusing for me when I had to deal with everything myself. It was much easier and certainly more fulfilling when I knew what the expectations were rather than setting them myself. oI could never take that responsibility, Sir,o I answered honestly.
oThere you go, boy. IÕm taking responsibility for you. You can do a lot of things better than I can, but being in charge isnÕt one of them. You may cook and clean well, or know your job well, or suck cock like a professional but deciding what is best for you is better left to a man, just like your daddy did for you when you were young. He knew it then and I know it now.o
I couldnÕt argue with James, he did indeed know me. Some men, and he was one, I knew that, were meant to be the dominant one and take charge of things. I wasnÕt and it had been clear for years, no matter how I might have tried at times to do different. He pulled me close to him and held me, telling me what I needed to hear, making me feel good to belong to him. oNow,o James spoke, odo you see what I been doing? IÕve been claiming ownership of you, not just mentally, but through your body. Who controls those hands? Who controls that dick? Who controls, that chest or your back? Who owns that hole?o He was emphatic and didnÕt pause to wait for my answer to any of his questions. It was clear. I donÕt know why I couldnÕt add it up myself. I guess it is because a faggotÕs mind is naturally weaker than a manÕs and doesnÕt think along the same ways. Now I understood. James controlled my body and through that he controlled my mind, or through my mind he controlled the rest of me. I decided it didnÕt matter. He had control; he would do what he wanted. He showed me through all of these things and at the same time he showed the world my place, his place and how I related to him.
oSo, boy,o James continued, oyou honestly spent all that time worrying about nothing. More than that, you were questioning what I was doing. You had no business doing that, did you?o He stared into my eyes, and I dropped my head, suddenly realizing where this was going.
oNo, Sir, I..IÕm sorry, Sir,o I said as best as I could.
oIÕm gonna do just what your daddy did when you questioned him, boy,o he told me. oYouÕre gonna drop those panties and I am gonna whup that ass till you cry. You should know better than to be thinking so much. You get all sorts of crazy ideas in your head and it hurts me that you think I donÕt know what is going on with you. You understand why I am going to do this, boy?o
I did understand. I knew I had challenged his authority, but again, I had not thought of it that way, when I asked. oYes, Sir. I challenged your authority, Sir. I was doing too much thinking on my own about stuff I didnÕt need to worry about,o I told him.
oGood boy. IÕm glad at least you understand why you are gonna get the punishment. Go on, take those pants and panties off. James released my hand. He stood up and pulled his belt off. After I had stood up, I took off my pants and panties. He bent me over the sofa. I supported myself on the seat cushions with my hands, my ass up in the air. Now I was waiting, waiting for the first stroke of his black leather belt.
oWe are going to keep talking while you get your beating, boy,o James informed me. He doubled his belt, taking the buckle and end in one hand. He snapped the two pieces in his hands to frighten me or to show me it would hurt. oI want you answering my questions as I give this fine white ass a good whipping. I wonÕt stop until you are crying, boy. I am going to enjoy this, no question, but I want you to understand that you hurt ME by spending all this time questioning me. I am only thankful you already have enough sense to ask me about this first instead of your girlfriends who might just gossip and try to tell you some advice that we both know isnÕt what you need. You ready, boy?o
I wasnÕt ready for this. James had never beat me before. I had been good. Now, I had disappointed him. I needed the reminder he was in charge of our relationship and of my need to submit to his authority. oYes, Sir,o I told him anyway, oI think IÕm ready.o
James moved around to the side of me and I saw him raise the belt over his head, out of the corner of my eye. I saw the belt begin moving downward and I flinched automatically, even before I could feel the leather connect with my ass cheeks. It stung, like hell burning me.
oWhoÕs in charge here?o James asked.
oYou are, Sir,o I replied. A second stroke of the belt came down across my ass.
oWhy am I in charge, boy?o
oBecause you are the man, Sir, and I am NOT,o I hollered the last word because a third stroke came down on me, hitting an area that already stung.
oWho do you belong to, boy?o
oYou, Sir. ugghhho
oWho sets out your life for you?o
oYou do Sir, owwwo
oThatÕs right, bitch. What brings you pleasure in this life, boy?
oYour cock, Sir, ugghhhh.o I was trying not to move, but I kept jumping as the belt approached me. James just took one of his hands and held my face down in the sofa, keeping me still and continued the spanking.
The questions continued. As did a new stroke for each question and the answer that I gave. Several strokes and questions later, I finally broke, I was crying and I asked him to stop.
oPlease, please, Daddy, no more. It hurrrtsss. Please stop, IÕll be good I promise, I pleaded.
oHow many strokes you take so far faggot?o James asked me pausing for a moment.
I had no idea. I didnÕt know I was supposed to be counting them. I just cried and told him I didnÕt know.
oBitch, next time, count. You get five more because you couldnÕt be bothered to count.o James brought the belt down five more times across my ass. Then I heard the belt fall to the floor. JamesÕ heavy breathing was all I heard for a minute. I stayed right where I was glad that the beating was done.
James spoke again. oI had to do that, boy, you know that. You needed to be reminded not to question me. o
oYes, S..s..sir,o I replied sniffling.
James left and when he returned had some lotion he applied to my ass. oThat is a good boy. You took that beating well, boy. You remember what we talked about and that wonÕt have to happen very often, you know that.o
Yes, Sir, I am so sorry.o
oI know boy, I know,o he told me rubbing my ass with lotion. Then James spit on my hole. He rubbed his finger around the hole and slipped it inside me. I could hear his other hand opening his zipper and pulling out his cock. He spit a couple more times and removed his finger, replacing it with his cock. oThat ass is so red now boy, It just looked so pretty and red, against that white skin of yours, I wanted to add this black dick to the mix. I think it looks real nice,o he told me.
oOoohhhhh, god, oh yes, Sir, yes, Daddy. Ohhhh, god, it still hurts Sir,o I told him.
oYeah, baby. ItÕs gonna hurt awhile, but DaddyÕs cock feels good doesnÕt it, boy?o
Ohhh, god, oh yes, Daddy.o
oThat ass whupping reminded you of your Daddy, didnÕt it, boy? ThatÕs why you suddenly calling me Daddy, now?o James asked.
Oh god, yes, Sir. IÕm sorry Sir,o I apologized. All of that had just slipped out without me thinking. Sometimes when I wasnÕt thinking is when I made the most sense.
oI like that boy, you ARE my boy, and I like being called your Daddy. DoesnÕt mean a thing you being older. You still my boy,o he told me.
oMy ass hurts so much now Daddy. IÕm so sorry for what I did, I promise never to do it again,o I said, and I meant it. I didnÕt want a beating from James again. I learned my lesson. HeÕs in charge and he knows what he is doing. He wants me to look a certain way and thereÕs no reason I cant do it. He owns my mind and through that he owns the rest of me too.
oDaddyÕs giving you his love now, boy. IÕm over that other part, you need this now.o
James turned me over on my back. He let my ass hang off the sofa so I didnÕt have to have anything other than his dick or his body bumping into my red butt. He just picked my legs up and I wrapped them around his back and hung on. I pulled James toward me and clamped down on his cock. I held him there, all of his big Daddy cock inside me, he looked at me, surprised I guess that I wanted him that close. Then he kissed me. When I say he kissed me his lips swallowed mine, his tongue gave me a lashing around in my mouth and he chewed at my lips, making them almost as raw as my ass. All the while pulling out and shoving in making me feel so good, taking him, submitting to his fuck.
oYes, Sir I understand. You can do what you want. I know it is best for me,o I added.
oDamn, straight,o James said. oYou are back to the proper attitude, boy.o James began breathing hard and he shoved his cock deep. After the beating his cumming was anticlimactic, but it was still JamesÕ load. I wanted it all and milked his dick for a good long while as he told me what a good boy I could be if I listened well and did what he told me to do. My toes curled as he pounded me and my shrunken dick just drooled. Warm waves of pleasure went up and down my back and when he filled me up, I could say that I felt completely whole, unlike anything I ever felt with another man before him. James knew me, and I was wrapped around his finger, and he could play me from any direction.
oStop thinking too much, boy. I got you covered. YouÕre good and I need a good boy around.o
Somehow I knew it was all good, IÕd do what he said and stop thinking so much. He had made me into what he wanted and played with me like his personal toy because that is what I was, what I had become. I understood now; it didnÕt matter what he did with me, because it all came back to my submission to him, or for that matter to any man. I needed to do what they said. I needed to follow their instructions and serve their needs. When I did that, I got everything I needed in life, the satisfaction of serving, the satisfaction of feeling the power and control of the man, and the pleasure of knowing I could serve his cock. It didnÕt matter if a man dressed me up or stripped me bare, I felt I was complete, however he wanted me to be. I understood my submission and I knew whatever a man did to me, I would always be a good faggot, because that is what I was born for and that is what the men in my life had made sure I achieved.