Anyplace, Anywhere, Anytime
It's my first attempt to write something like that, so be nice with me! Now it's a story that deals, with kids, with abuse and later on with love and relationship. It's no story to find some quick relieve, for that you'll have to go look somewhere else. All the persons in my story are completely fiction. If you are not old enough to read this, well I can't tell anyone if you don't tell. So enjoy the reading!
Warning: The first chapter is a bit dark and it deals with rape. So be careful when you read it.
I love getting feedback: firstname.lastname@example.org. Please, be sure to use the title in the subject line. I've some really mean filters that delete way too much, when I don't look.
The Lyrics: Numb by Linkin' Park
The Little I am Me by Mira Lobe
*** Miracles Happen ***
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I don't know what happened. I don't remember much. I heard voices every now and then. I could feel hands touching me but it didn't hurt. Every now and then I felt like I was moving but how could I? I knew I should wake up and make myself go back to him but I couldn't. I tried opening my eyes. I really tried. It didn't work so I gave up. I don't know how long I slept but there was a time when it felt warm on my face. Guess it must be the sun, so I should really wake up now. I did try to open my eyes, I really did try but it didn't seem to be working. Maybe I did have something over my eyes. Maybe he found me. Found out I was running away from him. And now he is punishing me. I want to move my arm. It worked just fine but then someone held it down and told me not to move it. It was a nice voice. Not like him, a woman's voice. She left her hand on my arm. It felt really nice, didn't hurt at all.
"Hey there, little one. You gave us quite a scare! What's your name?" I guess I should tell her my name so that she can bring me back to him. He's probably really, really angry by now. I opened my mouth and wanted to say it but nothing came out. What's wrong with me? I can't say my name, I don't see anything and there's this woman touching me. I'm afraid. I tried to say something once more but it didn't work.
"Don't worry, little one. It's gonna be alright." I guess she saw I'm afraid. But it's not helping. I'm terrified. When I can't see I can't keep out of his way and I have to tell her to let me see again. I've got to go back to him. It's no use hiding, he told me, and he would always find me. I guess the woman can read minds cause she told me I'm at a hospital. I hope I won't get troubles for running away. He said they lock runaways up and throw the keys away. I didn't mean to run away, I just needed a break. I need to get back. I try to move but she's holding me down. I can't understand what she's saying. All I know is, I've to get back to him. The longer I stay the worse the punishment was gonna be. She says I should lie back down. I'm hurt too bad to move around. I don't feel hurt. I just feel fine. I just can't see. I guess that's why they put something over my eyes, so I can't run away again. Nice people, just like he is. I still try to sit up; maybe she will give up and let me go.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
There's another voice now. It's a male one. I'm afraid. He's gonna hurt me. I'm sorry! Better lie down and don't move. Maybe it won't be so bad then. I lie completely still. I would stop breathing if I could. It's completely quiet. The woman starts talking. He's a doctor, that's what she calls him. She's probably telling him how bad I was, so he can decide how to punish me. Someone's touching me -- it's the doctor. Don't hurt me, please. I'm so, so sorry. Don't make it hurt. ... He moved his hand away, he's saying something.
"I guess we at least know now that the abuser was male. I'll send Dr. Richter in."
What does he mean? What's an abuser? Does it hurt? Doctors shouldn't hurt, should they? They help people. The nurse is talking again. I guess she is telling me how I got here. Doesn't matter to me much. All I know is I've to go -- go back to him. He said I won't ever get away from him and he's right, adults always tell the truth. Maybe she's too? She's telling me I don't have to be afraid, he won't hurt me anymore. I hope she's right, she sent the doctor away, don't know how she did it. So he won't hurt me for not behaving and sitting up. But it doesn't matter much. When I get back to him I will be hurt worse than ever. Hopefully he will only hit and beat me, not do the thing to my bum. Did the doctor see this? Does he know I'm a little fag? He will probably do it anyway, when I get back. ... Should get used to it, shouldn't I?
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
What's that, there's something on my lips. Should have paid attention. He's right, I'm just stupid. I'm afraid, what if she forces something down my throat? He made me put his wee-wee in my mouth before, I didn't like it, believe me, please believe me. I turned my head away, away from her to the side where the doctor stood before. She's telling me it's just water. That she can't give me something to drink before I see a doctor. Will be hard! I can't see cause they blindfolded me, she isn't moving it and I'm not allowed to move. I'm thirsty, so I should open my mouth. It's a funny feeling. She moves something wet around my mouth, doesn't hurt and doesn't taste funny either. It's alright. She's saying the doctor will be here soon. Don't want him to come back. I'm afraid of him. Can't he just send me back to him? I hear the door open, I guess he's back, to do this abuser thing he talked about before, just please don't make it hurt too bad. ...
That's a different voice, a woman's voice too. She's saying she's a doctor and that I shouldn't be afraid. I guess it's alright. Woman don't hurt, do they? She's saying that I was hurt really bad, nearly died. I wouldn't have gotten into heaven anyway. Fags burn in the hell, he said. She's touching me. It's alright, I guess, maybe she'll put away my blindfold, so I can at least see; I won't move I promise. She says she has to look me over, what does she mean? Oh, she has to look if I'm healing alright. Okay, I guess I nod. She starts with touching my head; moving it from left to right. Doesn't hurt. She says since I don't seem to be able to talk, she will call me little one. I just nod -- it's better than being called a fag.
"Okay, little one. I'll go over your body from top to bottom and explain you where you are hurt and where you've be careful with moving! Alright?" I nod, not that it matters.
"The first thing are your eyes, guess you wondered about it. Someone hurt you, did he?" I don't want to think about him, don't make me think about how he hurt me.
"He hit you in the face and your eyes are swollen, so you can't see. It will take a couple of days to get better. Don't worry, we'll always tell you what we do. You don't have to be afraid!" I'm always afraid, nothing will change that. hope I can see soon enough. I don't like the dark. Something always happens when it's dark, you can't run away and hide, when it's dark. But I know they didn't want me not to see, so it's alright.
"You were hit so often, even before this time. All your rips have at least broken once. But you are young it will heal. How old are you? Just show me with your fingers!" I remember being hurt where she's touching me. It felt like I couldn't breath, couldn't get air in without pain. It happened a lot, seemed to be his favourite place to hit. I'm six, just had my birthday. I got an even worse beating, was my birthday present. I guess I'm allowed to move my fingers. I spread all five fingers on the one hand and point the thumb of the other up.
"Six. Have you gone to school already?" I shake my head no. I always wanted to, but he said I was too stupid, couldn't do enough to be able to go to school. Didn't know you had to know something already -- isn't that what you go to school for? I tried to learn myself but it's hard. There's not much to read around and he couldn't find out I'm trying. He doesn't have pencils and paper at the house, says real men don't need this, only pansies do.
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
She's moving further down -- to my tummy. He hit me there too.
"You are black and blue here too. Thank God, you didn't start to bleed. That's why we don't want you to move too much for the moment. We're still too afraid we didn't see something and you start bleeding." It's alright, I guess. Wouldn't want to go to hell and maybe, when I don't have to move I don't have to leave right now. Maybe he clamed down until I have to go back to him. "We have one more injury to look at. He raped you, didn't he!?" Rape? Does she mean him putting something in my bum? I'm not sure what she means.
"Sweetie, be honest, did he put something in your behind?" Is that rape? He did that! Hurt really bad.
"Don't you worry, it won't happen again!" Yeah, right. She can't stay with me when I go back, she's a woman. It wouldn't help anyway; he would just hurt her too.
"You bled really bad when we found you. We had to operate. It will hurt for a few weeks, especially if you have to use the toilet." I'm used to hurting, nothing new there. It's funny how she tells me I should be hurting but I don't -- I feel nothing. Guess she's like him telling one thing meaning another.
"I'll leave you now. The nurse is still here and she'll tell you what's going to happen now, alright?" Yeah, whatever. She's saying something to the nurse, I don't care. All I want is to go back sleeping, I'm really tired. Don't want to hear anymore. Can't the just send me back? At least then I know what's gonna happen to me!
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
Guess I must have fallen asleep cause when I woke up it was silent around me. Did I make the nurse angry? I didn't mean to fall asleep, I couldn't help it. I want to sit up, I don't feel too bad and I really need to use the toilet. Then I remember the doctors words. But what can I do? I really, really need to use the toilet. I peed the bed once, I got a beating for that, you wouldn't believe it. But I can't hold back much longer. Maybe I do should try to sit up, but then it wouldn't help anyway. I can't see so I wouldn't find the toilet. ... It's getting even worse now. Is that the `abuse' thing that other doctor said? It's hurting me really bad. I can't hold back anymore.
"Hey, little one, I see you are awake again!" ARGH! Don't do that. I didn't hear her coming, frightened me to death and no, please don't tell me I did that. I peed the bed, now, when she came in. I held back for so long, all for nothing. What's she gonna do? Wish I could tell her I'm sorry. Maybe it's working now.
"Hey sweetie, what do you need?" Doesn't work still. She will punish me, I'm sure. I start to sniffle, I can't stop. Crying is for babies, girls and fags, like I'm. he always said I'll never be a man cause I cried when he hit me really bad. I can't help it.
I'm really bad. They were so nice and I peed the bed. Are they gonna throw me out? I have nowhere to go. I wouldn't find back to him.
"What's wrong?" She sounds worried and she's coming near, I can feel her. "Did you have an accident?" I peed the bed, that's what I did.
"Don't you worry. I was gonna give you a bath anyway. It's not your fault. So stop crying." She's taking my hand. "Feel that? When you need something just press it and I'm coming." She doesn't seem angry. Is she just playing? So that it will hurt more later?
"Do you want to take a bath? I talked with the doctor and she said it would do you good." Don't know, wouldn't be too bad to wash myself. But a bath? Can't I just take a shower, wouldn't be that much of a bother.
"Don't worry, it would be just you and me, no one's gonna come in. What do you think? Fancy taking a bath?" I nod, not much that I could do about it, at least she's not angry about the bedwetting.
"I'm gonna prepare everything. I'm gonna get you when everything is ready!" She's leaving again. I can't remember ever taking a bath. I'm curious, what's it gonna feel like? I can't swim! Do I need to swim? I don't wanna drown in there! Is she gonna get in with me? I saw on TV once, when he was already asleep, a little boy in the bath, there was really a lot of foam. He put a bit on his hand and blew it away. He had all kind of things in there too, to play. I remember he had a yellow duck and he always pushed her under the water and it came back up really fast. Do you think they have a little yellow duck for me too? It's getting a bit cold now. My pee is feeling wet and cold now. I hear foodsteps, I guess she's coming back now.
"Hey little one, everything is ready. Now we have to get you up and in a wheelchair." Wheelchair?! Can't I walk? I'm not old and dying. Let me walk!
"Okay now just turn on your right." Why I thought we could stand up? "You still have to heal a great deal and this way it won't hurt that much." Wow, she's reading my mind again! Now, she's moving my feet out of the bed. I'm still not sure I'll ever stand. "Okay, now feel where I put your hand? You have to press yourself up. I'll help you!" Okay, so it worked. I'm sitting. Didn't hurt at all. Funny way of doing it.
"Can you feel the floor? The wheelchair is standing you your left. You've to stand up and just turn a bit to your left." But I'm naked! She can't possibly push me somewhere like this! Okay, thank God, she put a blanket over me. So no one can see. It's a funny feeling. I feel like moving but I've no idea where I'm going or what it looks like around me. We're outside the room now. I know cause it's louder here. There are many voices. But, not his? What if this is just a trick and in reality she's just bringing me to him! Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I could have stayed in bed for a bit longer. The cold pee wasn't bad at all. Let me go back! I'm making me really small. Maybe so small like a mouse, then she can't see me and he won't either. I'm shaking now. But I'm not cold, the blanket is really hot. I'm sweating but still I'm shaking.
"So here we are, the bathroom." It's smelling really good, like I hold my nose in a lemon. I like the smell. I can hear the water running and it's really hot in here too. But I'm gonna be naked pretty soon, so it's good it's warm. Don't wanna freeze.
On the colourful flower meadow
Walks a colourful animal around
Walks between green halms
Walks under hemlockpalms
Enjoys that the birds are singing
Enjoys that the halms are swinging
Enjoys caus it can enjoy
It was really cool in the water. I was completely in, except for my head. At first I just lay in there. Then she gave me a washcloth and I washed myself. She helped me.
When I came back into my room and my bed it was dressed new. I immediately fell asleep. I still would be but something woke me up. It's louder in the room now. It seems as if there are several people in the room. Is he here too, he isn't, is he? I'm afraid. He still has to do that 'abuse' thingy.
"Hey little one. Awake again, I see!" It's my nurse, thank God. "You get a neighbour. He's a boy like you, just as old as you. His Mum's gonna stay in here with you two. She's gonna take care of you too." She said a something to the woman and then I heard the door close.
"Hey, there!" I heard someone sit down next to me. Must be the woman. "I'm the Mum of Robbie. My name is Charlie. I know that it's not a girls' name but that's what everyone calls me." She sounds nice, even if it's a boy's name. What's she gonna do now? Shouldn't she be with her boy. He's more important than me. I'm just nothing and when I get send back to him, I'm gonna be dead too. I turn away. I wouldn't want the boy to see me like that, he's too young to see something like that.
"Robbie's asleep at the moment. So I thought we would get to know each other. What do you say?" I can't talk, how's she gonna do THAT? "I'm just gonna ask you a couple of questions, how about it? You can answer them as best as possible! Do you have siblings?" No, he said one fag is enough, he doesn't need anymore of them around and not whores like my mum was too. So I shake my head. Guess it's working cause she asks a couple more questions and I can answer all of them. Sometimes I have to think a bit about how to show her but it seems as if she always understands me.
I don't know how many of her questions I answered but it was at least a hundred. Then I heard the door open and someone gasped
"Oh, my God!" it was a man's voice, is he gonna hurt me? I moved the bed linen over my head. Maybe he wasn't gonna see me. Maybe he was just gonna leave again.
But then a tree frog disturbs his calm and asks the animal: "Who are you?" So the animal is standing and hesitates and looks baffled at the frogs face. "I don't know!" The tree frog croaks and asks: "Huh? A nameless animal you are? Who doesn't know what his name is, who doesn't know who he is, is stupid! Stupid!"
On the colourful flower meadow
The colourful animal won't stay
Someone he will ask, someone will tell him,
Who he is!
"Hey, little one. Come out from under there." It's the woman's voice. "That's Robbie's daddy. He won't hurt you. I promise. He was just shocked. Everything is alright. He brought a couple of books. Should I read one to you?" No one ever read to me. Maybe I should come back out. She's there and she won't let anything happen when her son is sleeping next to me. I feel him coming nearer too but I guess he won't do anything. At least I hope so. He doesn't hurt his kid, does he? That's not why he is here, is it?
"Hey there. I'm sorry I frightened you." Adults don't apologize to kids, they are always right. What does he want from me? They are only nice when they want something. His friends where nice to me too but then they wanted me to put their wee-wee in my mouth. Is that what he wants? I'm gonna do it, if he doesn't hurt me. He was always a bit nicer to me when I did it to his friends. Didn't hurt me that much. Didn't beat me up for that day and sometimes even the next.
"My name is Josh. I'm Robbie's Daddy, so don't worry I won't ever hurt you. I brought Robbie's favourite book. Would you like to hear it?" I nod. I want to know what it's like when you have someone to read to. I'm good at imagining things. Maybe I will get a new dream so. I love making up stories and when I go to bed I dream them then.
"I've to talk to Josh for a minute, okay? I'll be back soon." It's her voice. Okay, I'm gonna wait here. Not that I could go somewhere. They leave the room but I softly hear their voices. Can't understand what they talk about but I know they are just before the door. I feel something lying on me. What is it? I hate not seeing. Guess I'll just have to feel it. ... It feels like a book. Maybe that's what she's gonna read to me. The door is opening and closing again. Who came in? I don't like not knowing.
"Oh, I am, I don't know, who,
Driving to and driving fro
Driving fro and driving to
Wanting to know who I am.
After that the hippo goes quietly three times around, grunts and pants and sighs and says: "Who you are, I don't know. Your tamper feet are just as beautiful as mine, but the rest of you is anything but me; pony-fringes, dachshund-ears, that's anything but me!"
"Hey, little one, it's me, remember? Robbie's mum." Yeah, I know the voice alright. So it's okay. Can you read now? I hold the book in the direction of where I thought she would be. "Okay, I get it. It's reading time! Now that book is special. It's the first book I ever read to Robbie. He loved it right from the beginning. Hopefully you will love it too. It's called 'The little I am me'. So here we go." I listened to her voice, telling the story of a little being not knowing who he was.
But then the animal suddenly stopped
In the middle of walking
In the middle of the street
And it says really loud:
"Of course there is such a thing: I AM ME!"