Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2011 04:21:22 -0400 (EDT) From: alexxxapathy@aim.com Subject: Beach Boys chapter 11 Dear everyone: I know I suck hard when it comes to updates and I apologize oh so very much! I really appreciate your patience. I'm in the honors program at my college and to say the course load is heavy would be a SEVERE understatement. So, forgive me. Annyway, this chapter is part one of a two-part installment, so rest assured, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE HERE REALLY SOON I SWEAR TO ZEUS! <3 -Alexxx P.S. The note at the bottom is for all you special people who've become my friends over the years, and for those of you whom I've yet to meet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know how long we sat there staring at eachother, but it felt endless. And not endless in the way that it did whenever I wrapped myself up in Jamie's arms and closed my eyes, or endless in the way that it did when I had to sit through detention for being late. I stood there choking on a thousand different questions and excuses, but for the life of me I just couldn't speak. Eric, however, didn't have the same issue. "You look like a deer caught in the headlights", he snickered. My face was burning. "I.. you.. h-how did you..", I stuttered pitifully, before he cut me off. "How did I know? Well, it's pretty obvious the way you guys stare at eachother. I mean c'mon, when you were in my car you were so caught up talking to eachother that I couldn't even get a word in." I was dumb-founded. Could it really be that obvious? I mean I knew that I probably (unconsciously) looked at Jamie a little differently than I did other people, but was it that bad? We'd been trying our hardest to remain inconspicuous about our relationship to avoid all those horror stories you hear about how gay kids get treated in school, and I'd thought that we were doing a pretty nice job. But Eric, not the most empathetic or perceptive person in the world by any stretch of the imagination, had seen right through the facade without any effort. "Hey there, Earth to Alex", he whistled, rousing me from my thoughts. I couldn't think of how to respond. "So... are, are you.. mad?" I sounded like a ten year old, but I couldn't help it. Eric was really important to me, and I was absolutely terrified. "Mad?" He burst into hysterics, laughing hard to the point of almost falling off the bed. I coudln't tell whether it was more appropriate to laugh or to cry. "Well, yeah. I mean... you're not gonna' tell noone, are you?" I was practically shaking. "Dude, it's no big deal. My older brother's gay, and I kept his secret until he was ready to come out when he left for college. I really couldn't care less." He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. Realizing that I was shaking, he pulled me ino him. Normally I'd have been a bit loathe to be this intimate with anybody other than Jamie, but I was so shaken that a friend offering me some comfort was a welcome gift. I cuddled up against him, buried my face in his chest, and started very softly sobbing. "Hey now, ain't no reason for tears little dude", he half-whispered, gently stroking my hair as he did, "You've got nothing to be afraid of." "B-but if you saw through us so easy.. what if everyone else can too?" "C'mon Alex, it's alright. Listen, I've known you since you first moved in, plus my own brother's gay. It's different. Most people wouldn't notice a thing. Honest." His words managed to soothe me a bit, and I calmed down quickly. "You promise?" I inquired, looking up at him. He smiled. "Of course. Now c'mon, you're way too cute in the face for cryin', let's get us back down to the party", he said smiling. I smiled back, happy to know that I could count on at least one other person besides Jamie. Maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't be so bad. Going back downstairs was as difficult as getting up there had been. Without fail, every single person seemed to want to stop and talk to Eric as we made our way to the kitchen. A bunch of them looked at me with confusion or interest, but I tried my best to ignore it. More than a few girls even came up and kissed him! When we finally did get to the kitchen, there were a bunch of jock kids doing shots by the table. As Eric entered there was something akin to an applause. Sometimes I really couldn't fathom how popular he was. In the back of my mind, there was a part of me that idolized Eric. For starters, he was the definition of the All-American boy. He was tall, had short dirty-blonde hair that he always kept a mess, deep brown eyes and a rich golden tan over an Abercrombie model's body. With all the parties he threw you'd think that he'd be a real clown in school, but nothing could be further from the truth. He got straight A's in honors classes, played for the football and wrestling teams, and was even a member of the chess club. He was one of those guys who could just drift from one clique to another and make friends everywhere he went. Every guy wanted to be him, every girl wanted to be with him, and even though he could be cocky and act like a typical guy some of the time, he'd never done anything to suggest that he was anything other than a nice guy who enjoyed a good time; something that never ceased to amaze me. "Hey guys", he shouted over the crowd to get their attention, "This is my little bro Alex, and tonight we're gonna' show him how we party!" He threw his arm around me and pulled me in next to him, and everybody cheered. Eric sat down at the table before pulling me up onto his lap, and everybody else followed in suit. Shot glasses quickly found their way in front of each of us, and in an almost business-like fashion, they were filled. I couldn't help but stare speechlessly. These guys really took this stuff seriously. "Okay here's how it's gonna' go dude. Basically it's just like taking a swing of Gaterade or something, except you have to swallow it REALLY fast, okay?" I nodded and tried my best not to seem as nervous as I really was. Eric told me to relax, but on the inside I was about to explode. I was about to have my first drink! "Okay guys, let's go." And with that, everybody took their shot glasses, threw back their heads, and downed the Smirnov Triple Distilled that'd been poured in. Doing my best to replicate what Eric did, I did the same. For a split second as the liquid descended down my throat, it didn't really feel like anything. Then all of a sudden I got a jolt and coughed hard, shaking my head. Eric patted my hard on the back a few times, and everybody laughed and cheered. "You just had your first shot!" Eric exclaimed happily. I couldn't help but laugh and smile along wth him. With that another round was done, and then another after that, and then another. By the time we were done, I was seeing the world with a whole new set of eyes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A NOTE TO ALL THOSE READERS WHO'VE FOLLOWED THIS STORY: When I began writing this, I was hardly 18 years old (*cough* sevente-what? *cough*). I was finishing my senior year in high school, doing my best to survive and plan for the future with absolutely nothing to my name. I was struggling to stay above water, after having to endure the deaths of the my mother, who despite her flaws was the only real family I ever knew, and one of the only two boys I've ever loved. I was a lot younger then, a lot less driven and hopelessly without direction. But, since February of 2009 I've graduated, started college, broken my addictions, gotten physically fit, learned Spanish and French fluently, accepted myself for who I am, and come to terms with the way my life has played out. As is the nature of our world, things aren't always fair. Sometimes you aren't dealt a good hand. But, as the French would say; c'est la vie. Such is life. You have to roll with the punches, you have to go with the flow. The world can be a vicious place; a den of wolves and demons who think nothing of using you up and leaving you broken on the side of the road. But though I may not have found much direction, and though I may not be that much further ahead in my life, I have some things now that I couldn't even imagine having back in '09. For the first time in my life, I have drive. For the first time, I have courage, and perseverance, and a will to succeed and pursue something more than just mediocrity. When I wrote that first chapter and accidently posted it twice, well, I was a child. Now, after two long years, I'm not. Yeah, I wouldn't say I'm an adult yet, but I can say quite confidently that I've grown. And for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I can say that I am not afraid of what tomorrow might bring. In fact, I'm ready to welcome it, because I know that nothing can ever stay the same. And for all the fears and insecurities brought on by the course of time, there comes possibility. The chance for something better than what has come before. Call me crazy; call me optimistic or foolhardy or idealistic... but I am all too eager to take that opportunity, and carve for myself a better place in this world. In the end, this whole big self-indulgent speech will only mean as much to you as you'll allow it to, but it is my most sincere hope that these words find a place in your heart and inspire you to take the next step forward in your own life. And though I highly doubt the average Nifty Archives demographic consists of kids like me, in situations like mine, if this speech motivates even a single person to pick themselves up from the dirt and prepare for the next round, then I've achieved my goal. Since 2009, I've recieved hundreds and hundreds of emails, and they've given me a lot of the strength I needed to keep fighting. I've made penpals and internet friends the world over with only eight measly chapters, and though I've never met a single one of you in person, and in all likelihood I never shall, I want you all to understand the gratitude I feel toward your kindness and patronage. It may seem ridiculous to say, but writing this story and recieving all the many comments and messages you've sent has played a major part in keeping me alive. So to all of you loyal readers, old and new, I thank you. And most of all, I pray that you understand me when I say that even though our paths may never cross and we may never come to know one anothers' lives or struggles, eachother's hopes and fears, that I love you. With everything I've got. So if you ever feel alone, if you ever feel broken or beaten, know that you have a friend in me, and I'll always be there to those of you who need one. You know where to find me. Te amo, Je t'aime. Alexxxapathy@aol.com Yours, sincerely. Alexxx.