Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2001 20:03:42 +0000 (GMT)
From: soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Being Gay/Chapter one

Being Gay

Disclaimer and Warning: The following story contians
sexual content of a homosexual nature.  It is not intended
for those under the legal age.  If you are offended by
homosexual acts, or it is illegal in your area to
view such material, then stop reading and leave!

Note: This story is the property of the writer (me!), any
copying in part or in whole of this document is prohibited,
and will result in death (yours!) hehe i'm kidding.

BTW This story is partially true and is based on real life
events.

EMAIL me if you have anything u wanna say!
soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk

Chapter one

Funny, how u always seem to be obsessed with one person at
any one time in life and that person means so much to u that
some days u can't bear the thought of them not being there.
He was always there.

Saturday morning I woke up, today I thought is gonna be a
great day. I felt good for the first time in ages. I had no idea
why, but I wasn't gonna complain. I bounced through the entire
morning process of waking up, coming back to life and coming
back to reality. I always woke up and fantasised about Ryan, I'd
dream he was there smiling at me, he had the most beautiful
smile, so adorable.  He'd put his arms around my waist as he
pulled me to him, he always seemed too good for me. I wanted
him, lord knows I did, but I felt so worthless comparing myself
to him. Truth was I was jealous of him, his good looks, his
adorable personality, his warmth, I could go on for ages about
how great he was. But I knew I loved him and also I was
attracted to him, but I never thought that I'd have a chance with
him. He had everything, money, friends, girls, popularity
everything. But he always made me feel special. I laughed too
myself, most guys my age would probably fantasise about
having sex with a girl, most gay guys my age would probably
fantasise about having sex with a guy, I fantasised about having
a guy hug and kiss me!

Ryan, was my best friend, he always told me that I was his best
friend and it made me feel good. Knowing that I was his, and he
was mine. maybe just as best friends, but still it was special.
Today the only thing I had planned was revision, I had exams
coming up soon and I wanted to get as much work done as
possible to make up for my laziness in class. The only thing I
had to look forward to was a visit from Ryan. We were gonna
go watch a movie together and I couldn't wait.

The day dragged on and passed, until it came to 3:00. There
was a knock at the door and I rushed to open it, Ryan stood
there with his deep blue eyes, his blonde golden-like hair, and
of course the adorable smile, he had a little dimple in his chin
when he smiled it was so goddamn cute.

"Hey Oz, u just gonna stand there like a dork? The movie starts
in like 5 minutes! Lets move."

"Hi. Ok, let's go." I said.

We said goodbye to my mum and left, the cinema was about 5 minutes
away from my house so we walked. Whilst we were walking I
had to keep reminding myself not to reach out for his hand, I
always wanted to hold his hand, I felt so weird.

Watching the movie, I couldn't help but stare at Ryan, wearing
a denim jacket, white T-shirt and denim jeans. his blonde hair
contrasted with his white top, and his eyes reflected the light off
the movie screen. He looked so god-like. He had his adorable
smile on and he turned me on so much.Then he turned and
looked at me. His smile faded for a second and he looked at me
peculiarly.

"Hmm. u ok doofus?"

"What? Me? Yeah, yeah I'm ok. hehe" I laughed nervously.
Ryan laughed, punched me in the shoulder.

"Been a year and You're still just as weird!" he joked,
putting his around me. That surprised me a little, I felt so
special there in the cinema, watching a movie with one of the
most beautiful guys in the whole world and he had his arm
around me. I thought about how much I had missed him the
past year, he'd gone too see his aunt in the states and stayed
with her for a year. Seemed like a lot longer than that, we had
talked almost every day on the phone and I always tried to
cheer him up. His aunt was ill, and she was old. She'd been
slowly dehydrating and Ryan was afraid she was gonna die
soon. He'd gone into depression, she meant that much to him. I
wondered if he was still taking medication, it wasn't anything
strong, in fact it was the same medicine I had taken during
exam time, mild anti depressants. I couldn't help but stare at his
angelic face and wonder if he was better now. I hoped he was
but if he wasn't I would look after him and get him through the
hard times just like he does for me.

The movie was over before I even realised it had begun, and
Ryan got up and blinked, he slowly took my hand and walked
out, with me in tow. I couldn't believe he was holding my hand
in public! I mean he had no idea I was gay so he probably felt
secure, but it was then I decided that I was gonna tell him.

We got pizza and hung out with some old friends, before deciding
to get home.  I asked him to stay over and he agreed. He said he
just wanted to get some stuff from home. We both went our
ways and I waited for him at home.

Sitting at home, I couldn't stop thinking that I should tell him,
that he deserved to know, but I was scared. I didn't want him to
think that I was a loser that's what gays were losers. Yeah I
know I'm gay but I have trouble accepting it, but can you blame
me? After reading and hearing about all the stuff that happened
to other gays, I was just a little scared of being gay. But its not
like I had a choice, so I live with it and try to be happy. Well, it
was almost 19:00 and Ryan still hadn't got here so I decided to
call for pizza.

About 20 minutes later a knock came at the door,
I assumed it'd be the pizza guy, but it was Ryan. He was
covered in mud and dirt; he looked up at me and smiled. I
couldn't help but laugh.

"Been enjoying yourself?" I asked, laughing at him. He smiled
and began explaining how he tried to help push some guy's car
out of a small ditch and there was lots of mud, and well, he got
dirty. He pulled off his shirt and I tried not to stare, but I
couldn't help it, he's so beautiful. He wasn't muscular but his
body was firm and well defined, and his skin had a perfectly
tanned, silky soft texture, I used to jerk off thinking about it all
the time and I knew every detail of it.  Man did I need help! He
trudged up the stairs and headed to the shower. My mind
instantly went back to being troubled. I tried to push the thought
out of my mind, but I was weird like that. I had decided on
telling Ryan without even thinking about it, and now that I had
thought about I was scared but that didn't mean I was gonna go
back on my decision. This was something I had to do, and I
realised that right there.

An hour later Ryan came up to my bedroom, I was lying on my
bed thinking about how to tell him. He smiled at me with that
goddamn cute smile. His blonde hair was damp and he had
changed into his nightclothes. But I was distracted with my
thoughts, I was ready to chicken out but I couldn't. I kept
contemplating it in my head. Then Ryan switched the TV on
and asked me if there was something wrong.

"You ok? You've been phasing out a lot recently," he said
looking concerned. I wanted to kiss him, but pushed that
thought right out of my head.

"Um. Yeah. Ryan I wanted to tell you something, would you
come sit here a minute?" I asked looking a little troubled. I
guess he noticed that, he switched the TV off and came and sat
down slowly next to me. I was sure he gave me a look that said:

"Weirdo! This guy really has issues" But I told myself I was
being paranoid.

"Yeah? What's up oz?" he asked trying not to look scared I
think. I took a deep breath.

"Umm. Ryan, I'm umm. I mean I think I am. I'm uh." I
stammered and he looked at me weirdly, like I was a freak or
something.

"You're a what? What is it? Are you messing me around?" He
asked looking half amused and half-concerned.

"No Ryan I'm serious," I said. A look of realisation came
across his face, he begun to smile then he said

"You think that you're in love with my cousin right? That's
what it is, isn't it? Billy told me that u said you were in love
with her! You want me to hook you up with her?" he laughed
out loud. "Why didn't u just say so? You don't have to be afraid
of that" he laughed and punched me in the shoulder.

"Ryan, I'm gay."