Date: Sun, 25 Feb 2001 20:41:41 +0000 (GMT)
From: ozy <soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Being Gay/Chapter two/ Gay/ YF

Being Gay

Disclaimer and Warning: The following story contains
content of a homosexual nature. It is not intended
for those under the legal age.  If you are offended by
homosexual acts, or it is illegal in your area to
view such material, then stop reading and leave! I'm
not sure how old u have to b to b over the legal age
i'm 17 so don't let it bother u too much.

Note: This story is the property of the writer (me!), any
copying in part or in whole of this document is prohibited,
and will result in death (yours!) hehe i'm kidding.

BTW This story is based on real life events. Its true
except for the little details and time structure.

EMAIL me if you have anything u wanna say!
soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk

Ryan looked at me, I had tears in my eyes, and I guess he
must have realised that I wasn't joking. I could see fear in his
eyes, what he was afraid of? I could also see disgust and
repulsion and I knew right then he wasn't taking it well. I
regretted telling him, tears began to well up and slowly drop.
He spoke,

"Its Ok, Oz,"

He put his arm around me. What was he doing? I was really
confused and I pushed him away. He looked at me and then
said it was ok again. If he said that one more time I was gonna
kill him. He looked confused; he had a distant look on his
face. I guess he was shocked.

"It's ok, don't worry, I'll help u" he said in a robotic kinda
voice. I had gone into a vegetative state, I wasn't speaking or
moving, I didn't even know if I was breathing. He lifted me
onto the bed and then muttered something about having to go.
He walked out of the room and I was still in a daze, I looked
towards the door and saw him leave.

Hours passed, the sun had long set and it was pitch black
outside.  I begun to realise what had happened. he'd walked
out on me. he'd gone. I begun to cry, I lay there in the dark
crying into my pillow, not wanting to face the reality, I'd lost
my best friend. I just wanted him to love me; I was so fucking
stupid. I just felt so bad everything had fucked up, I was too
tired to be angry. I drifted into a sleep like mode and cried and
cried.

I tossed and turned, I couldn't sleep. I heard a knock at the
door and a voice said:

"Its me Oz, its me"

I slowly got out of bed, I moved in a trance, not fully knowing
what I was doing. I saw an eerie glow illuminating the small
hallway outside of my door. I reached out for the door handle.
The door flew open and I spun round facing the window. The
curtains had been drawn and I could see a group of spooky
looking trees waving in the wind. The atmosphere outside was
illuminated by a single streetlight, which gave off an eerie
dull glow. I walked towards the window and everything
became more and more chaotic with every move I made. The
upper window swung shut and collided with the frame
shattering the glass, papers flew from my desk and I noticed a
chemistry paper with a grade D scrawled on it in red ink, fly
past me, and then I saw him. It was Ryan, he was looking up
at me from down on the street. I saw his face clearly;
moonlight lit and enhanced every feature of his face, he was
so beautiful, his golden hair shone, he was bathed in a gentle
glow, but there was something wrong. I looked up in the dark
wretched sky for the moon, but there was just a big, dark
emptiness. I looked back to where Ryan stood, but he was
gone. I collapsed and begun to cry.

I stirred and rolled over. My eyes hurt, I opened them;
sunlight was streaming through the window. I looked towards
the curtains they weren't drawn. I remembered back to the
nightmare I had. A nightmare, that's all it was. Damn, I hated
those movies where the character is in a dream and it's a
nightmare and then they wake up and realise it was all just a
dream. And they sigh with relief and relax, and then suddenly
something appears from the nightmare, which totally shocks
them. I waited in bed, waiting for that something. When
nothing happened I kicked myself for being so childish.
Damn, I really needed help. I glanced at the time, 12:30. And
then it came back to me everything that had happened last
night. I'd finally told him and he walked out on me. But I
instantly told myself to stay in control, not to think about it,
Ryan was a dick, it had happened and that was that. Don't
stress over it. I felt more in control now, funny how a good
cry always makes u feel better. I didn't want to think about
Ryan and so I didn't, I told myself to hate him, and it worked
I was angry with him and I didn't wanna see him. I pulled
myself through all the waking up process, feeling a sense of
d^Âj^Å vu. Yeah, the only thing missing was the fantasising
about Ryan. That suddenly kicked in and I began to imagine
him there, behind me, touching me, his arms slowly wrapped
around my waist, his body heat combining with mine, he
pulled me closer to him, I could feel his lips pressing on.
I snapped out of it and brought myself back to reality. The
tears started flowing again and I ran into the bathroom. I kept
telling myself not to cry, but the tears kept coming and finally
I just let go and cried. I left the taps running and cried into the
sink my tears splashing drop by drop. I just became so weary,
so tired of this pain. I just let myself drop to the floor
wrapping my arms around my knees and begun to rock myself
back and forth. After about a half-hour, there was a knock at
the door.

"How long are u gonna take in there?"

It was Sarah; a family friend and kinda like an aunt to me. She
had recently given up a son who she had tried to foster, the
little Bastard kept taking stuff from her purse and had hit her
lots of times. She was finding it really hard to cope with. She
spent almost every day at my house now and had almost
become part of the family. Had she heard me? I didn't wanna
let her see me like this, so I splashed cold water onto my face.
I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were all red and
kinda blotchy, I tried to wash the redness away with water. It
didn't work and finally I gave up and opened the door. Sarah
stood there standing in her impatient pose. I kept my head
down and tried to hurriedly pass her, but she noticed
something was wrong.

"Are you u ok? Osman, sweetie?  You ok?"

"Um yeah, yeah I'm fine. I, umm. just got sommat in my
eye." I knew she wasn't gonna believe that, but I didn't care. I
walked away as fast as I could, and headed for my bedroom.
Sarah called out to me but I ignored her. I checked myself in
the mirror in my room and realised that my parents would
notice that there was something wrong, so I decided to skip
breakfast. I wasn't that hungry anyway. I collapsed onto my
bed; I wasn't gonna cry anymore, it wasn't the end of the
world. I put on some music; every song seemed to remind me
of him, Ryan, my angel. I smiled to myself thinking how I
used to find it really corny when I heard that line. I
remembered hearing the line in a song somewhere, and I
caught myself smiling at the thought.  I remembered back to
when I used to think that true love was a myth created by
sentimental fools. I remembered how I realised that I loved
Ryan when we were just 14. I don't know why but I felt a
little better. I got up and decided that maybe it was a good
idea if I went out for a while. I got some clothes on and
grabbed my phone off the desk. I had 5 new messages; the
first one was from one of my best friends Asif. Something
about missing all our basketball matches, I didn't have the
strength to care. The second and third were from my sister. I
was just about to read them when I heard my dad call from
downstairs.

"Osman. Get down here, you're mums made u breakfast"

Instantly, without thinking I found myself saying:

"She's not my mum"

I said it too quiet for anyone to hear, so it didn't matter, but
then again it did matter. My parents had got divorced when I
was less than a year old, I always found it hard living with my
step-mum. She was great, she'd do whatever it took to keep
us close and she was always on my side. When I wanted to
stay out till late she'd back me up, when I wanted to spend the
night at a friend's house every night, she'd take my side; she
was fantastic. But I always found myself rejecting her. It was
just a natural instinct, I tried to control it and as I grew up it
worked, we'd get on really well. So it bugged me that I was
beginning to sound like the spoilt little kid I used to be. I
kicked myself and made a mental note to control my
emotions.

I thought about what my dad had just said and something
about it bugged me. He'd only said

"Get down here, you're mums made u breakfast"

But I noticed some hostility in his voice kinda like he was
mad. But I thought nothing of it, and put it down to him being
angry about me getting up so late. He was weird like that,
strict upbringing he had his ways and they weren't gonna
change. Being up any later than 6:00 was late to him. But I
wasn't gonna let that bother me. I checked myself in the
mirror and decided that I looked ok. I headed down the first
flight of stairs to the second floor. As I passed my brothers
room I heard hushed talking, I paused for a second. His door
suddenly opened and I jumped, he walked out giving me a
cold look as he passed me by. This time I was sure of it, I
hadn't imagined that. What the heck was going on? I
suddenly became very afraid, all kinda thoughts were running
through my head, and then I decided I'd find out. I forced
myself down the stairs and opened the door to the dining
room. My step-mum and dad were sat at the table and
suddenly went very quiet. My dad looked up at me, and I
knew right then something was wrong. He told me to sit down
and eat. I cautiously moved towards the table my heart was
beating so fast. I told myself not to be scared, I told myself I
was being silly. I sat down and began to eat, I started relaxing
and then I felt my dad's eyes on me, I looked up and he
looked away. I saw the hatred in his eyes, the disgust. When I
finished I asked to be excused, my dad looked at me, and then
spoke.

"No, come into the study" he said, and got up. I looked at my
mum who avoided meeting my eyes, I felt the dread returning
again. I followed my dad into the study and remembered back
to when I was a child. I remembered how I had burnt my
brother with a box of matches when I was a kid, and how I
had been ordered to follow my dad into the study. And then
there in the study, I would receive a 30-minute lecture if I had
done something small. If it had been something big, I'd
receive a mild beating, if it could even be called a beating. It
was nothing extreme, just a slap or a clip around the ear, and
even then my dad would come and apologise later. This
comforted me a little, I wasn't a kid and my dad wasn't a
violent person. I walked in and my dad sat down on his
favourite chair, he motioned me to sit down on. I suddenly
became very angry, the way he was controlling this situation
treating me like I had no power and he had full authority over
me. His look said everything, I knew that he must have
known about me, about my being gay, about me being a
goddamn faggot. I could see the disgust in his eyes and
suddenly the anger in me disappeared, it became replaced
with fear. My dad said nothing for a while, he had an intense
look in his eyes. Words started running around in my head.
the calm before the cull, I avoided his look. The tension was
choking me, I started shuffling nervously, and then he spoke.

"What happened to you last night?" he asked looking at me
carefully, studying me.

"Last night? What do u mean? Nothing happened to me, what
do u mean" I stammered nervously. He repeated the question
in a more impatient tone.

"I mean what happened last night? We came home and all the
doors were unlocked and the alarm was on. You also left the
oven on. And did I not inform you that your sister was going
to call? Your sister tried calling at least four times, and she
said nobody answered. She also called your mobile, why
didn't u answer?"
Then I remembered, my sister was supposed to call and let my
dad know if she could make it back that night. She was at
university and lived away from home, thank god. She could
be so annoying at times.

"I'm sorry, I went to bed early, I wasn't feeling too well. I
mustn't have heard the phone." Which was the truth, I hated
lying to my parents and so I felt good that I didn't have to.

"Ok, well your sister couldn't come home thanks to you.
She's a little annoyed, and so am I. If you weren't feeling well
you could have at least let Sarah know next door, or left a
message with you're sister."

"I'm sorry dad, it won't happen again, can I please go now?" I
became impatient; I wanted to get out. Maybe my dad didn't
know what happened with Ryan and me; I didn't wanna know
anymore, I just wanted to get out. My dad just nodded and
looked at me strangely. I got up and turned to leave when my
dad called to me.

"Osman?"

"Yeah dad?

"How are you and Ryan getting along?"
I decided to tell my dad that we got into a fight. I mean it
made sense, I had planned this excuse. I was gonna convince
my dad that Ryan was lying because he was mad at me. My
dad would definitely take my side.


"Umm. I think, he got a little mad at me yesterday because I
didn't want to go out yesterday night, I told him I wasn't
feeling so good and he just kept nagging me. He's being
really moody these days." I instantly regretted it. I had no idea
that Ryan had told anyone, so why was I doing this? I had
become an asshole, I reasoned that Ryan had walked out on
me and he deserved this. But it didn't make me feel any
better.  My dad responded.

"Oh, really? Why do you think that he's being "moody"?" my
dad asked. I paused a second and then replied.

"I really don't know dad, I wish I did. He just keeps blanking
me out these days, I really don't know." My dad just stopped
and looked at me, he took a second and then said

"Ok, you can go now, make sure you relax today, you've been
working really hard lately and you should relax a little. Exams
aren't everything you know? They're important, but don't let
them stress you out and cause you to become emotionally
affected ok? I understand how you can become a bundle of
nerves and become all distraught when it comes to exam time,
so make sure you take time to just enjoy yourself, got it?"

"Yeah dad, ok." That confused me a little, but my dad
didn't seem half as angry as he did before so I wasn't gonna
complain. I grabbed my jacket and yelled out to my mum.

"MUM! I'm going out!"

"Wait one minute, your sister called before. She sounded very
anxious and she wants to talk to you as soon as possible, I
suggest you go call her now."

I considered it for a minute, and then I rejected the idea.
Spoilt brat was probably gonna just whine and moan at me for
not answering the phone yesterday.

"Nah mum, I'm going out. I'll call her later. bubye!" and I
rushed out the door. Then I remembered I'd left my phone in
my room. I rushed back in and grabbed it off the desk. I
noticed the message from my sister. I brought it up on the
little screen and begun to read it:

"You big dork! Where the hell r u? Answer you're stupid
phone.. "

Typical, I didn't bother reading the rest of it and deleted it.
The next message was also from her, but it was dated as
today's date. Dopey cow makes a big deal out of everything,
probably gonna take her a week to get over it I thought and
then I saw the message and froze.

We really need to talk. What happened Osman? You are in so
much trouble. Ozy, please call me as soon as you get this
message. Ok? I promise I'm not mad, this is really serious.

Ok, end of chapter two. I have no idea why I really wrote
this story. I'm really crap at writing and this is the first
time i've ever written a story. I got one response from the
first chapter. It was a really positive response from a guy.
I'm more than happy! Write me if u have anything u wanna say:
soul_catcher2000@yahoo.co.uk