Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:00:03 +0000 (GMT) From: ozy Subject: being gay/chapter 5/yf The telephone rung again. "Brrring! Brrring!" I raised my head up slowly. Damn it, where was everyone? Why hadn't someone answered the bloody phone? I pulled myself up and grumpily made my way to the phone, I reached to pick it up and it stopped ringing, oh, bloody great! A minute later my mum called up the stairs: "Osman, telephone." "Who is it?" I called back. My mum didn't answer; I shrugged and picked the phone up and pressed the red button. "Hello?" I waited for a few seconds and nobody replied; probably wrong number or something, and then I heard his breathing. I knew instantly who it was. "Leave me the fuck alone." I was just about to hang up, and then he spoke. "Wait! Please, Oz?" My anger disappeared; I loved hearing him call me that, his voice was so beautiful, so delicate and childlike, yet still sexy and erotic. I wanted to hear him talk; I wanted to sit there all day listening to his angelic voice. A picture of him formed in my head, those deep blue eyes, them sexy eyebrows forming Asian-like eyes, his wavy blonde hair and of course that beautiful smile. A picture of us together formed in my head, I was holding him. He was kinda small compared to me, he stood at about 5'7 and I was about 6'0. I always felt like I had to protect him. "What do you want?" I asked him. "Can we talk? Please?" He pleaded with me, he sounded so sincere, like he really had an explanation that would justify his actions. Yeah right, whatever he said wouldn't justify him telling his dad. "Leave me alone" I hung up and stood, stock-still for a few minutes, waiting for the anger to disperse. It did, but was replaced with sorrow; I wanted him to tell me that he loved me, that he wanted me, I wanted to hear all that stuff from him and I wanted to tell him that it didn't matter what he did, as long as he was mine. But it did matter and he didn't love me. I grabbed the remote of my hi-fi off the desk and pushed the volume-up button until the music rose loud enough for me to stop focusing. The heavy rock roared through the speakers, I collapsed onto my bed and allowed the music to force all other thoughts out of my head. The door to my room flew open. "Osman! For gods sakes!" My mum stepped over all the littered clothes and magazines and hit the off switch. I flipped over on the bed. "What is it?" I asked lazily. My mum drew the curtains and picked a few things off the floor. "This room is such a tip, I want it cleaned up tonight! You got that? And what have I told you about not playing you're music so loud? Do you ever listen to anything I say?" "No mum, not really" I smiled at her. She threw her arms up in exasperation. "What am I gonna do with you?" I laughed. "I'll tidy it up, I promise. I'll do it right now." I jumped off the bed and placed a kiss on my mum's cheek. She looked up at me. "I'm sorry, I listen to everything you say, really I do. I just tend to forget things." She laughed, before sighing again. "Me and your father are going to see your aunt. We're not gonna be back till late, so you'll have to manage dinner own your own, unless you want me to ask Sarah round?" "No, I'll be ok. You can go now" I smiled at her, and she smiled back. "Ok then. You don't have to clean this room up right now but I better go, so be good sweetie, bubye now." She turned and walked out of the room, tripping over a shoe on her way out. She cursed under her breath and shot a glance at me. I smiled in return and she shook her head in disapproval before walking away. I started tidying the room up; I grabbed all the clothes off the floor and flung them into a corner, I swept all the books and stationery using my foot into another corner. There, all done. I stood back and admired my work. The room really was a tip; I had three distinct piles in the corners of the room. I laughed too myself, I could label each pile - clothes, books, and miscellaneous. Maybe I should clean the room up properly. I decided it'd be a good idea, it'd help take my mind off things and so I set about rearranging and perfecting my room. An hour and 30 minutes later I was totally out of breath, I fell back onto my bed and admired the room; it really was clean. I sat there for five minutes bathing in the satisfaction that I had actually done some work, I hated work. I lay back on the bed relaxing, and then I heard a sound, I looked towards the door and got up. The door to my room slowly opened. "Ryan" I whispered. And then he stepped in to the room. I jumped off the bed and we both stared at each other intensely. What was he doing here? He was so beautiful; he wore a bright, white, full sleeved v-necked top and silver combats, he looked so hot. I wanted to kiss him. It all begun to flood back again, that night when I had told him, how beautiful he had looked then and how much I had wanted to kiss him. And then. he had told his dad. I came back to the present. "What are you." Ryan cut me off by grabbing me in a tight embrace, he reached up and pulled me to him. He kissed me. I took a few seconds and then kissed back. It felt so weird, so intense and forceful. And then I realised what he was doing, he thought he could make everything right like this, I shoved him away. He fell back two steps and recovered his balance. He stared at me, there were tears in his eyes. "Oz." The two letter word, my heart melted. Ryan attacked again, stronger this time, he grabbed me and kissed me on the lips. I expected it to be rough and forceful, but it was soft and sweet, I savoured his taste. I became lost in the warmth, my defences crumbled and I let go. It felt so good; to just let go of everything, the anxiety, the stress and the anger. And everything seemed to make sense, I loved him; I could feel his love, it seemed to radiate strongly from him. Every nerve in my body seemed to be stimulated and I could feel the familiar tingle I got whenever he touched me. Except this time it was magnified a million times, it felt so powerful. The walls around me crumbled and disintegrated into nothing, nothing else existed; there was only Ryan. Ryan moaned into my mouth and my hands went around him pulling him to me, I kissed him deeper. We finally stopped and pulled back for air, our eyes were locked in an intense gaze and I could see Ryan's chest rising and falling, it was so erotic. And then, he turned and walked out of the room. I froze, I stopped breathing, he was gone. He reappeared again. What the hell was going on? He came up to me and put his arms around my neck kissing me carefully on the lips. He directed me to the bed. We sat at the edge of the bed; I was still in shock. "Just making sure no-one was hanging around." He said, and I started breathing easy again. He smiled at me. "I missed you Oz." I glared at him. "Why? Why did you do it?" I asked. His smile faded slightly and he looked down, he took my hand in his and began to idly stroke it. I couldn't take my eyes off his face, he was an angel. "I love you Oz. I'm so sorry. I guess I was scared." "Scared?" "I know its wrong, but I can't help but feel it." "What? What's wrong? Feel what?" He looked directly at me, and I could see it in his eyes, the warmth, the passion. the love. "I love you Oz, more than anyone in the world, I love you more than a friend, I love you more than a brother. But." He paused for a second and then spoke again. "I'm not gay. Its not right Oz." "What?" I was struck dumb; I only had a few words left in my vocabulary. He loved me? It wasn't right? Huh? "Please Oz. Just listen. I don't know how to express this to you, but I have a story. "Umm. Ok." Could this get any weirder? "Ok. umm... About 3 years ago when we were both about 14 we took a trip to the Lake District. Just you and me, remember that?" "Huh? Umm. Yeah, I remember," I thought back to that trip. "It had been the first time we'd ever been away from home on our own for more than a day. That night we had slept out in the open. It had been so cold that your face had become pale and you're lips had begun to crack. You fell asleep within 5 minutes; I lay there watching you sleep, I'd done it lots of times before. Your curly hair was so perfect, it was kinda wet and shiny, and it looked so perfect on you. Your eyes were so beautiful as well, even with your eyes closed, I could picture those bright brown orbs, the way you used to look at me. But this time as I watched you I knew there was something wrong, your breathing was short and sharp, you seemed to be hurting. And you know what I felt right then? What I wanted to do so badly? I wanted to climb in with you and take you into my arms. I wanted to hug you and care for you, to take the pain away and share it. And you know what I wanted more than anything else? I wanted to kiss you. You were mine, and I couldn't stop myself. I kissed you that day and I knew that I was in love with you." Ryan paused for a minute wiping at his eye. I stared at him silently, and then I took both his hands and kissed them softly, pressing them to my warm face and mouth. The room had suddenly become chilly again, and I remembered the feeling from that day, I hadn't even noticed the cold, there had only been Ryan. Ryan shivered and I felt it in his hands, I shifted position on the bed so I could sit directly to the side of him. I pulled him to me and he laid his head on my chest, snuggling up to me. I ran my hand through his beautiful hair. We sat there for a minute in this perfect moment, the room had warmed significantly, he did that - Ryan, he controlled my world. I smiled and he turned and looked at me matching my smile. I kissed him. He lay his head on my chest again, letting our heat combine. He spoke. "I hated myself from that day onwards." He raised his head and looked at me, my smile faded. I looked at him curiously. "I couldn't help but feel I was sick, it was wrong, you were my best friend. Closer than a brother to me, and I was getting thrills from kissing you when you were asleep." He paused again, I squeezed gently on his hand, he let go of my hand. "And, the worst thing was, I knew you wouldn't have hated me. You would have shrugged it off; it wouldn't have mattered to you, and so. I hated myself. My dad told me all about the "phase", all guys go through it, he said, and he was right. I convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to you and that I wasn't in love with you. Actually I tried to convince myself, the attraction thing kinda worked, I'd just think about girls and stuff. But I could never stop loving you. No matter how hard I tried, I always loved you." "Umm. ok. Look, Ryan, it's ok. I'm not gonna tell you what to feel. Whatever you feel is ok. Nobody can dictate you're feelings to you. I can't tell you what to do or what not to do. You have to live with those feelings, and do what you think is right." "I know, except maybe you can tell me what to do. See I love you more than any other person, I can't think of a single person I'd rather be with, at any minute of the day. Is it right for me to do this?" Ryan reached up and kissed me softly, he pulled back and looked into my eyes. I smiled. "No, you faggot!" Ryan laughed out loud. "Ok, I get you're point, but we're best friends. I feel weird and guilty imposing on that. It just doesn't feel right." "Act on you're feelings. Whatever you feel without restriction, is what you should act upon. It really is that simple" Ryan smiled. "You make everything sound so simple, is there anything that isn't simple to you?" "Well umm. my maths homework is a little hard, but you're here now, so. nope." He smiled again. "I missed you. I've been trying to think things through, before talking to you. But nothing seemed to make sense and I just ended up depressed and confused. I'm sorry Oz" He looked up at me with his beautiful eyes. "Yeah, and so you should be! I don't think there was a single day I didn't cry" He looked up at me smiling at first. "You always were a cry-baby" I punched him in the arm, and he laughed. He got serious again. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. I thought dad could help you. You know? He always liked you, said you were his favourite nephew, he's integrated you into the family. Did you know that? He puts you before his blood family. Puts you before me, sometimes. But it doesn't matter, since I put you before every single being on the planet." He smiled at me. "Yeah, I guess I am pretty superior." I laughed, and kissed him on his forehead. "Funny how you said this planet. I need to know something. You in love with an alien?" He smirked. It was funny how I could be so enraged one minute and joking like nothing ever happened the next. Ryan made me feel like that. "Yeah, You. You're my alien" He kissed me again, and pulled away sharply. "Dammit" he looked at the time. "Gotta go Oz, my aunts coming over and I wanna see her before she leaves. I couldn't hide my disappointment. "What? Now? Do you have to?" "Yeah Oz, I'm really sorry, but umm." He gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. "I'll make it up to you." I smiled back at him. "Oh, ok then. Can we talk later?" "Yeah sure. Hey how about you sleep over? My parents are gonna be gone with my aunt. We'll have the whole night alone and the house to ourselves." He smiled at me wickedly; I punched him in the shoulder again. He pulled his jacket on, weird. I didn't remember him taking it off. He seemed to read my thoughts. "Yeah, remember getting carried away in the heat of the moment?" He laughed again, glancing at the time. "Well, I better go. I'll call you as soon as I get back." He paused for a second and then walked up to me giving me a quick peck on the cheek. "I'm sorry about everything, cya later Oz." He turned to leave. "You're gonna have to be a lot more sorry than that." He turned back to me and smiled. He slowly placed his arms around me and pulled me down to him, kissing me deeply on the lips. "Better?" He smiled warmly at me. "Lots" I replied, returning the smile. He gave me another quick peck on the cheek and dashed out. "Bye!" I suddenly felt alone again, the emptiness returned. I needed him. I couldn't stop thinking about him. My feet began to hurt, I realised that I had been standing in the same position where Ryan had kissed me for at least 10 minutes. I glanced at myself in the mirror; I still had a smile plastered on my face. I laughed to myself, I felt like a child. It felt good to be complete again, everything was "right". I shook my head in disbelief, reviewing the day's events. Everything had changed in a matter of minutes. Well, maybe not everything, but I had Ryan back. We were best friends again, and that made everything else seem insignificant. I yawned. Man, I felt tired. I lay on the bed thinking about Ryan and our sleepover. I used to take those little things for granted before, and I found myself, as being not too surprised that everything was "right". This was the way it was supposed to be. I had missed the little things so much; but knew I'd take them for granted all over again. Oh well, I felt good. I slowly drifted into a peaceful sleep, and began to dream. Ryan was in my dream again, but this time he wasn't down on the street. He was up here with me. Up in the clouds. We kissed and begun to waltz, floating through the white silky puffs, locked in each other's arms. From far away I could hear the music play, the mountains down below were alive with music. weird. I opened my eyes. the music. It had stopped. I felt a hand glide over my face. I turned and looked directly into the face of the angel. He smiled at me. "Hey there." I smiled back and took his hand into mine. "Hey" He leaned down and kissed me softly. I pulled him to me. He smiled and lay down beside me. He hugged me to him and I lay my head back and sighed. It was so great. "Come-on, lets get going. You're parents are back." I turned around to face him, he got up slowly. "Come-on! Up!" "I'm too tired" Ryan smiled at me. I got up and yawned, I could faintly remember dancing in the clouds. weird. I laughed. "What's so funny?" Ryan came and sat on my lap bringing us face to face. He put his arms around my neck. "Nothing." I smiled sweetly at him. He kissed me and let go of me. "Let's go." He got up and ran down the stairs. I climbed off the bed and travelled to the wardrobe. I looked at myself in the mirror, I still had a smile on my face. My black curly hair seemed to thrive and separate into separate curls, my brown eyes were shining, I had never felt so alive! For the first time in what seemed like ages, I felt good about myself, I felt good about my looks. I had Ryan, my beautiful angel and that was all that mattered to me. I splashed some water on my face and looked into the mirror again, the smile was still there. I laughed out loud, I felt like a child. An hour later we were both in Ryan's living room, we had the house to ourselves. I held Ryan in my arms, he laid the back of his head on my chest and I nuzzled his hair with my face, he sighed with pleasure. His hair smelt like strawberries, it was so erotic. Everything about this guy was erotic! We were watching Stand by me, one of my favourite movies. The best part of the movie came up, and I found myself repeating the words of the cute boy with a gun. "Suck my cock, you cheap dime store hood." Ryan looked up at me with a wicked smile on his face. I blushed and he laughed, turning back to the movie. When the movie was over he yawned and turned over leaning into me gently. He began to stroke my hair idly. "Lets go to bed" He looked tenderly up at me, I kissed him and he smiled again. He got up slowly and took my hand, lifting me gently to my feet. He led me up the stairs to his room, I suddenly became anxious. Ryan turned at the top of the stairs and pulled me to him. He kissed me deeply placing his tongue into my mouth. This was all new to both of us, but it seemed so right. I kissed back and melted into his arms. The kiss ended and Ryan stared deep into my eyes. "I love you oz. I love u so much," "I love you more" I replied, pulling him into another kiss. He pushed me against the wall and I kissed him more passionately. My tongue was exploring his mouth and he moaned into me. His mouth was so warm so exciting, so hot! Ryan pulled away. "Lets go into the bedroom, its more comfortable." He took my hand again and led me into the room. Closing the door behind us he removed his sweatshirt. I kissed him deeply, my hands went under his T-shirt and I began to caress his silky soft skin. "Mmmm." He moaned more, almost as if he were drugged. We slowly, in a series of moves, which could have formed a dance, moved towards the bed. Ryan pulled me gently onto the bed with him. He started to deep kiss me and slowly rolled over on top of me. My arms went around him and I caressed his back. He began to grind into me slowly, erotically and passionately, never stopping the kisses. Our bodies rubbed against each other, the friction increasing, creating an erotic heat. I slipped my hands under his shirt and pulled it over his head. Pushing him gently onto his back, I moved back and pulled my shirt over my head. Ryan clasped his hands around me and pulled me to his warm mouth. I begin to grind into him more, giving him more and more wet kisses. It seemed so natural. I moved to his ear kissing him all the way, I kissed and nibbled on his ear, he sighed and his cute smile appeared on his face, making me go wild. He ran his arms up and down my neck and back and then firmly caressed my buttocks. I couldn't think of anything except him, how much this guy meant to me, how I loved him so much and how great he is! Ryan pulled me out of my thoughts by pushing me off him; he pushed me onto my back snapping my neck back onto the pillow. "Easy tiger." He smiled at me and began to kiss my neck, he kissed his way down my body until he reached the zipper on my jeans. He slowly unbuttoned me and then pulled the zip down using his teeth. I couldn't help but laugh at him, Ryan stopped and blushed beautifully; he grinned bashfully before continuing. He gently tugged at my jeans and yanked them off, and then reached for my boxers. He hesitated and then stopped. "What is it babe?" "I umm... I don't know how to do this, I umm. don't think I can." He looked up at me embarrassed. I smiled and reached down, lifting his face to meet mine. I kissed him gently and he smiled at me. "It's ok. We don't have to do it, you know? It's not that important. I love you." I kissed him and he relaxed. "I love you too." He replied kissing me again. I turned around positioning Ryan away from me and wrapped my arms around him. He shivered slightly. I reached down and pulled the covers over us, Ryan snuggled up to me again. "Sweet dreams, babe" I kissed his hair and he shifted slightly, murmuring sweetly. "Love you" I relaxed, drifting off too sleep within a matter of minutes. Sleep came so easy with the blanket of love and all its security and warmth surrounding me. I finally felt whole again.