Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 22:02:10 +0200 From: Lange Subject: betrayed love - chapter ten umm, don't read this if: ~you are younger than 18 ~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories ~this is forbidden where you live = that means, read if you're sure you can risk it. thanks to Bill Watts for editing this ... I think the story would look not too good if he didn't do it ... not that I'm convinced of my writing ability. :) I mights add: a really huge 'thank you' to Bill as he really is a great guy AND he suggests the chapter headings, as i never have any idea whatsoever about that. this story is copyright my n-c-g [that's me, btw :-)]. All rights reserved. ... uhh, doesn't that sound dumb? :) so ... I hope nobody is offended by this chapter and you can enjoy it and please mail me if you like or dislike or whatever the story. if you want to read other stories by me, either go to my homepage: http://home.t-online.de/home/lange.ruegen or on nifty: "us" posted on April 1st (highschool) - finished "a little lamb" last posted on April 21st - on-going ------- !!!!NOTE!!!! geez, i'm tired, so don't expect anything intelligent, just as much, i'll try to get into a rhythm of posting once per month...maybe :-) as always, i think this is boring, but hey, you have to read it. umm, what else...i don't know. i'm way too tired to think of something. Weird. good night. -------- ~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~ Chapter ten - on the horns of a dilemma. The second Jason awoke, the vivid images of his dream came back to him and made him smile widely for the first time in days. He'd never had such a dream before. Sure, he'd had erotic dreams about Tommy for example, but they'd never been that real. It had felt like Tommy and Eric had been really touching him. It simply had been real and Jason was quite sure that he wouldn't experience such a thing again. It was too rare, too wonderful to just happen more than once. His mother was delighted that her son was able to smile again, something she had missed over the past few days. He'd never seemed genuinely happy - not a surprise - but he was now. She could tell he was feeling good. Would he still feel like that when his day was over? They hadn't told him yet, but he was scheduled to talk to a couple of police officers and a psychologist today. It was now unavoidable and only natural that Jason be interrogated about the attack, and they had let him go this long to give him time to cope and heal from all that had happened to him, but now they needed the information before his memories began to fade. *He* had to tell the police who had been involved in everything, at least that's what they wanted him to do. Of course, everybody's statements would be recorded, but it was his statement that would be given the most attention. There might be many people saying that Tommy had been involved but, after all, only the people who had been there knew who did what for sure, and they wouldn't say anything. Everyone else just heard the story from someone else who had been there or from Jason. The psychologist's interview would be important too, especially during the interrogation process. They would use this to determine how Jason would hold-up under the intense questioning process, determine if he could remember what had actually happened that day, and to judge the truthfulness of those recollections. Although no one anticipated any problems with his honesty when he recounted what had been done to him, the psychologist's examination was deemed important to judge his emotional state of mind. Jason's mother really hoped they would not be too rough on him, as she was not sure how much he would be able to take before he broke down. Jason looked up into his mom's face and returned her smile, partly reassuring her everything would turn out okay eventually. She felt somehow strange, but she did trust his smile. This simply had to turn out well. She wasn't sure how long her son could endure such a long string of bad things happening to him, but her thoughts were interrupted when he smiled at her. He *smiled*. A look of concern crossed her face, however, when she remembered that she'd have to tell him that two police officers would come there to interrogate him. Jason, of course, had noticed the change of expression on his mother's face and he knew something bad was to happen, something she knew about and he didn't. He had already prepared himself for the worst, but his face still fell as his mother told him the news. "Jason, this afternoon two police officers will come here to ask you a few questions...about this thing with Tommy. And Jason...there'll be a psychologist here also." "Mom, I'm not sick in the head!" Tears began trickling down his face, streaking over his cheeks and dropping from his chin and into his lap. "I know baby, but it has to happen. You obviously do have some psychological scars from this, that have to be resolved. Get up now, darling. I'll wait downstairs and prepare some breakfast for you." As soon as his mother left the room, Jason's facial expression started to change. Not that he stopped crying, in fact he cried harder by the second, but he was determined to definitely not tell that psycho-guy about the real reason for his breakdown. And he wouldn't tell the police either, that's for sure. Of course, they only meant good, but he couldn't possibly tell them what had happened in the hospital on that certain night or, more precisely, on those two nights. Actually it was somehow his fault it had happened in the first place, no it was totally his fault the doctor had started those things with him. Simply by being gay and probably, no surely, because of the way he laid there...he had practically challenged him to do something, and it would look rather foolish if he just told the officers about that. Besides...hm...whatever. He swung his legs off the bed and onto the floor, then he walked across his room, in the direction of the bathroom. When he turned on the light in there, a vivid memory from yesterday came flooding into his mind. He almost saw himself back on the white tiles of the bathroom floor, sitting mindlessly there. Then he remembered seeing his mother, but from that point on his mind went blank, really blank. There was only a black, dark hole. He couldn't remember anything from yesterday afternoon and evening. The next thing he remembered was waking up last night, after that...dream. Thinking about the dream, he looked into the full-length mirror and his eyes slowly wondered down his reflection, taking in the dried cum on his chest, stomach and groin. Most of his seed still had to be on the sheets, but some had obviously settled on him. Hadn't there been this other time when cum had covered his stomach? Didn't that happen in the hospital? From... Abruptly he turned away from the mirror and abandoned that train of thought. He couldn't stand to see himself anymore. And he was positive that 'bad' thoughts would creep into his mind, and he was not sure why the situation from yesterday wouldn't repeat itself. He washed his body purposefully now, as he wanted to complete this procedure as quickly as possible. No unnecessary contacts with skin were made and once he felt clean, and he sighed inwardly. He let the water cascade down his body, washing away the dried evidence of what had happened. The water kept flowing over his head while he brushed his teeth. This seemed a little weird to some people, including his sister, but he liked it like that. He enjoyed the feeling of the water as it cascaded over him while he worked his toothbrush feverishly in his mouth. Besides, he somehow managed to do two things at once, and it saved him time too, so it was only a positive. As he finished with his shower, he grabbed a towel from the hook near the shower-stall and wrapped it around his hips. The water droplets pearled down his body, rolling over his pecs and stomach, weirdly highlighting the bruises still left over from the attack. They shone in yellow and green, but some were still a deep purple. They still hurt, although Jason tried not to pay too much attention to that, and sometimes he winced from the pain they caused him. The bruises did serve as reminder of what had happened and seemed to belong there, and he was already getting used to them. Maybe it was a bit of an exaggeration, but he couldn't even seem to remember how his body had looked before the attack, but he nevertheless hoped he would look 'normal' again before long. He walked back to his room while wrapping another towel around his head, preventing the water from dripping from his hair and onto his shoulders. He left wet footprints on the bathroom tiles and on the parquet floor of his room, but he didn't even seem to notice. He hurried to stand on the red carpet that lay in front of his bed, because his feet were suddenly becoming cold. Standing in the middle of the room, he discarded the towel he'd had around his head and a few drops of water fell onto his torso, rolled over the chest and disappeared into the towel around his waist. He removed that towel next, leaving him nude, and he looked down at himself, this time clearly disgusted by who he was. It even seemed to him that this one look into the mirror had brought all these memories back and now he couldn't stop them. He couldn't seem to stop himself from feeling totally ill- at-ease with himself, his body, his mind, and what he was. With one cruel laugh, he shook himself out of the trance, stopped looking at his disgusting body, and he hurried to put some boxers on before he threw on a shirt. He quickly changed the sheets, meaning he put the old ones into the laundry so no one would notice the stains, but did not put on any new ones in their place. He accomplished getting rid of the evidence of his 'sin', as he saw it...not in a religious way, but...in a deeper, psychological way. His thoughts were now interrupted, when his stomach rumbled and he realized that he was actually quite hungry, especially when he thought about the pizza from yesterday, or rather how little he had eaten of it. The thoughts of food made his stomach do somersaults, letting him know that it should receive first priority. Besides, for once it was time to be with the family again, and he hadn't seen Tania yet. Just then he remembered that the police officers would be coming soon and he wondered what he was going to do. If he told them that it had been Tommy who led the attack, what would the police do to him? And what about Eric then? Would Tommy tell the police Eric was involved and, if so, what would they do to him? Okay, Tommy was being an ass and all, but could he send his best friend, well, former best friend, to hell? And Eric? Obviously Eric liked him a bit, didn't he? Could he just say something like 'fuck you' and send him off too? On the other hand, it could be some tactic of his to come there all apologetic, so he wouldn't get sent to jail. And hey, he had hurt him, hadn't he? He had stood there, hadn't he? And Tommy, he had punched him, didn't he? They had sent him to hospital! He had to get a grip. He couldn't just act out of sympathy and let them get away unpunished, could he? They had to get what they deserved, didn't they? But he knew for sure... "Jason, are you finished up there, and can you come down here for breakfast? We're waiting for you." "Yes Mom, I'll be down in a minute." He took the towel back to the bathroom and started downstairs, still clad only in his shorts and shirt. His parents were seated at the table, as was his sister...and Mark. He nearly jumped out of his skin, being startled at seeing Mark in his home. Nevertheless, he smiled at all of them and took his seat on one side of the table. His father sat to his right, his mother to his left and Tania and Mark sat together across the table. He knew they were no couple, as Mark was in love with Nellie, Tania's friend, but obviously they were really, really good friends. To have a friend like that... Mark looked at Jason closely, too closely for Jason's liking? Mark finally realized that he was staring, but he could not turn his gaze away, not until Jason rolled his eyes at him, making him turn slightly red from embarrassment. In Mark's eyes, Jason looked okay, considering what he had been through, but he definitely had a really sad, maybe even depressed, look about him. It wasn't like he would begin to cry at any minute, it was more like an aura of sadness surrounded him. This sadness had zapped the sparkle from his eye, that rejuvenating sparkle that lit up the room when it was there, and this whole incident had also faded that wondrous smile from his lips, leaving only an insincere grin. His sadness seemed fairly obvious, although all his actions seemed to indicate that he was pretending to be happy for everyone else's sake. Furthermore, Mark seemed to be the only one in the room who noticed that Jason was not genuinely happy. Well, the others acted as if everything was normal. Okay, he did not quite know how they usually acted, but still, he would have imagined the atmosphere to be a bit different than it was now. He knew Jason was still hurting, and he knew that Tania was hurting as well, though she wasn't letting that show either. She couldn't stand to see her brother this way, or the way he had been most of the previous weekend, while Tania had stayed at his side as the spent it talking about the attack and about gay-bashing, in general. Tania had been in tears a great deal of that time, and Jason was now determined to end the suffering of his entire family. When it was time for him to talk to the police, he would tell them what he has seen, all of it. Why shouldn't he? They had to get what they deserved. They had nearly killed him, hadn't they? Mark hadn't even made the connection between Peter's death, because it had been classified as an 'accident', and the rest of Jason's experiences. Jason didn't even *know* about the accident yet, because no one wanted to tell him, as they were afraid that news would make him more upset and scared. Almost everyone in town knew that Peter was gay, and maybe... They thought it best not to consider that thought further. Jason did look scared enough already, anyway. The others at the table didn't know why Jason was suddenly like that, but they did notice the change in his attitude. Jason wanted to be strong, for his family's sake, and he wanted to put Steven...and Tommy...and Eric in jail. They had hurt him quite badly, after all. They had *hurt* him and they had to pay! They deserved it... but now he wasn't sure if he could go through with it. When the police arrived here today...he knew for sure he wouldn't say any word against Tommy (or was it still Tom?) and Eric. Steven, however, was a whole different story, but if he told them about Steven, but not about Tommy or Eric...it simply wouldn't work. It was then that he noticed Mark and saw what appeared to be a determined look etched on his face. Yeah sure, he didn't know what it was about or what Mark was really thinking. Jason only knew that he might as well be dead if he squealed on the others, but could it be any worse than it was now? Was there still the possibility that this was not the last of their attacks on him? Then there was this other thing to consider, he knew he wouldn't survive if he lost Eric now, as Eric was the only pleasant...you know...thing to happen to him lately and the only good thing still left in his life. The only thing he could think about, which did not instantly depress his, was that Eric might care about him. Hell, nothing else made him feel that way and he couldn't even look at himself, much less jack off, without becoming utterly disgusted with everything about himself. And Tommy? He knew he could never betray him, not after all those years of friendship. Sure, Tommy had turned on him and all, but Jason was not like that, and Tommy still played too important a role in his life. Even though he couldn't say that Tommy was still the most important person around him, as he would have said a week ago, because...well...now there was Eric... Bottom line, he knew he wouldn't accuse either Tommy or Eric, because that would be impossible for him right now. He simply could not do that, it just wouldn't be possible. If he did, he would feel guilty afterward, and he would always hate himself for speaking out against them. This whole situation was really weird. He shouldn't feel strange for doing the right thing...at least it was the right thing to do if you just looked at the letter of the law. He was certain that his condition, as everybody seemed to put it, would significantly worsen if he told the police anything. He was absolutely sure of this, and that obviously meant he wouldn't say anything, and no one else knew about it. The other people from school, those who had seen what happened, wouldn't say anything either, so the police wouldn't find out anything. "Could you pass me the butter, please?" "Sure." Jason handed the butter to Mark, and then it dawned on him. Mark knew about what had happened and the way he had looked after the attack, and that's when he realized that Mark would probably be the one to tell all. He had seen everything. He was a witness. Maybe what Mark had to say was even more important than [hat Jason remembered about the attack. After all, Jason's memories might be impaired because of his injuries, but Mark, no, he...he simply couldn't tell them. Jason didn't want it to happen like that. Mark couldn't tell them. He, well, he simply...wouldn't be allowed, he couldn't. No, he just couldn't let it happen like this. He glared at Mark, who did not even know what Jason had been thinking about for the past ten seconds, though he had an idea. Jason was able to hold his glare for a few more seconds, until his mother noticed what he was doing. Mark had already turned slightly red again, embarrassed from the attention he was getting from Jason, and his hands began to shake slightly, because the thought of what was happening bothered him. Jason's mother sensed something was wrong and, of course, immediately asked Jason what the problem was. "Jason, honey, are you alright? Or do you think you'd better go back to bed?" "Nat, I think Jason is sick of staying in bed by now," his father told her, trying to help Jason out. Nearly everyone, Mark excluded, looked at Jason's father at once. It was pretty unusual for him to say anything at all during a family breakfast, as he generally spent most of his time reading the paper. That was just his morning ritual. He grinned slightly, as if to say 'so what?', and that little gesture broke the tension that had been building, up to that point. Jason took that opportunity to study the back page of the paper, at least what he could see of it. Coincidentally it was the page with all those funeral announcements. He didn't recognize any names until...well, until he came across the announcement for Peter Mac Colly's funeral. The color faded from Jason's face and his eyes opened wide, a reaction similar to his going into shock the day before. He abruptly pushed his chair back from the table and stood. All eyes were now on him, but he only had the obituary in mind: "Peter Mac Colly, service and funeral, Wednesday at 3pm." He ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet-bowl, while his mother rushed in and then stood silently behind him. When he had finished losing his breakfast, he got up, rinsed his mouth out with some water, before he turned around to discover his mother standing there. At that point, he went over to her and embraced her. "Mom, I'm okay. This was not because of the attack. That's the truth." She just nodded her head in acknowledgment and then followed him back into the kitchen. "What was that all about?" asked Jason's father, visibly relieved that it was no new problem arising. "It was about Peter. I didn't know he is...dead." Jason said with a quiet voice. "You knew Peter?" Mark exclaimed, either positively surprised or negatively shocked. Jason couldn't understand what he meant by that. "Well, I didn't really know him, until about a year and a half ago, when our family went on that trip into the city, to do some shopping and stuff. Well, I had just realized that I must be...gay, shortly before that trip..." Jason stopped right in the middle of the sentence, aware that he had just said aloud that he was gay to his family, for the first time. After regaining his composure, he continued on. "Remember when I went off to look for CDs? You told me I could go, but to meet back up with you by dinnertime, well...that's not what I did. I knew there was a building around there where they had a gay youth group, and that's where I went, just to find some information and stuff. Well, when I got there, I discovered there was some kind of group talk going on and, honestly, I was really shocked, but also very interested, so I checked it out. The guys who were there were so...I don't really know what I had expected...but they were all pretty normal, with a few exceptions, and well...hmm, Peter was there, too. I was pretty surprised to see him there, but when he saw and recognized me, he came over to me pretty fast. I think that he realized that I looked a bit scared, unsure, and overwhelmed by everything. I mean, there were all these posters on the walls and as these different people. He took me aside, to a secluded corner where we could sit down and talk, and then he asked me why I was there. After I told him that I thought I was gay and I came to get some information, he began to help me find what I was looking for. Talking with him really did ease my mind a bit, as I was pretty confused before then, and he explained a lot to me. It's true that...well...I have never talked to him again, after that one time, but still he was really important for me, you know. So, why is he dead? What happened to him?" Jason looked up questioningly at everyone who was there, but none of the others dared to tell him the truth at first. Mark was the first one to speak and, although it was definitely not his fault that Peter had been killed, he got a dirty look from Jason. Jason did kind of blame him subconsciously, as Mark was the bad boy and always in trouble, at least according to Jason's line of thought. *He* was his enemy, he would tell the police what Jason didn't want the police to know. He... "Peter was killed in an accident, although nobody's all that sure that it really was an accident. The whole town generally assumes that it may have been some kind of gaybashing incident, but nobody knows who did it." "I see." Jason replied curtly, looking away from the others, seeming hurt and confused. He was even paler now than he had been when he vomited, so he quickly changed the topic. "Why are you two not in school today?" "The police are conducting their interrogations about the attack at school today, and everyone has to go there separately, according to what we were told in our homerooms yesterday. We're to stay home until it's time for us to talk with the detectives, and then we can go to our classes after that, but we aren't supposed to tell anyone else what questions they ask us or what information we give them. I dunno, I think it's pretty stupid, as we could easily have done this without missing any school, but who am I to argue with with school officials, especially when the give us extra free-time." "When do you have to be there?" "At 10, I think..." Mark looke] to Tania for affirmation and then her nod came, just before she spoke. "...yep, 10 o'clock. So that means we have to leave like...right about now, although we do have a few minutes to spare." "Mark, before you go, could I talk to you, please?" "Oh, sure." Mark looked confused and he looked around at the others, but he followed Jason out of the kitchen and up into his room. "Sit down, please," Jason told Mark, when they entered the room. "Uhh, okay." "Listen...umm, you know, I'm gay. And you've been there...when...you know, when it happened. I know you saw everything and I know you want to tell everything to the police, and...well...I know it's the right thing to do and all, but I beg you, don't do it." "Jason, why? They tried to kill you. They can't get off for doing that." That was the moment when Jason's eyes began watering again. He *knew* they deserved to go to jail, but how could he explain this to another person, that sometimes you have to act because of your feelings and not because of the things your mind tells you? How do you explain that when you don't even understand it yourself? "Mark, don't you see, they'll go to jail then? Yeah sure, everything will be fine for me for a while, of course, but, come on, they're not the only ones who'd like to see me dead. What happens when I go back to school, but the captains of the basketball and the baseball teams, plus one of the best basketball players, are in jail? What will their buddies do? Do you really think they'll accept everything happily? Do you really think they'll just go and be 'nice' to me and let it go at that? Wake up, Mark. Everything will be ten times worse than if I let them get away with this. I mean, I'm pretty positive that I can't go through school without being stared at or being insulted anymore, but I honestly don't think they'll start any physical harassment again, unless I have those guys arrested. I'm pretty damn sure they won't do anything else like this, so, don't...and I mean...please don't tell the police." Jason looked at Mark expectantly, but Mark only shook his head. "Jason, you *have* to tell the police what they did." "I...can't." Jason crumpled in tears, sobbing on the carpet in front of Mark. "You can't do this to me. If you tell the police, you...you'll totally put me on display and I...I'll...die, I know it. They won't let me stay alive. I feel it. Don't do this to me, Mark. Don't." Mark looked shocked, as he watched the sobbing boy in front of him. He hadn't expected that reaction. First of all, Jason was more than a year older than him and older guys usually don't just cry like that in front of other guys. Second, he had expected that Jason would be all hot about putting them in jail. He hadn't expected Jason to think the way he did now, and, frankly, he had not thought about that aspect of it. He had thought those assholes would be sent to jail and that would be it. Maybe that was the selfish way to think about it, especially if it put Jason at risk the way he thought it would, but it was not only Jason who was threatened here. If he really told the police...shit, eventually he would be on the baseball team and hmm, the guys would surely not let it go unnoticed that he helped send their captain to jail. Still, it wouldn't be right if he just let them get away with this either. Isn't it even unethical or immoral to just keep silent about something like that? He didn't want to keep silent about this thing, but on the other hand he didn't want to get beaten up... "Mark?" Jason blurted out, trying to get his attention. He was hoping that Mark would support him on this. "Jason, it's not right to just not say anything, although I understand why you're thinking of doing that. You know as well as I do that, if they get away with this, it might even encourage them to do it again, to someone else. Hell, we could even be sued for not doing anything, by their next victim." "Mark, if you don't do this for me, do it for yourself. Please?" "I'll think about it." Mark stood up, turned, and left Jason sitting on the floor. He didn't want to be cruel, but he definitely couldn't stand to see Jason crying like that. As he reached the doorway, Jason called out to him. "Please, don't do this!" He got no reply, so he sank back onto the floor, weeping silently. He was sure that his life would be over if Mark turned those guys in for what they had done. He did not really think it would be over in the physical sense, but more in how he would have to live his life afterward. He did not really think anyone else would dare to beat him up again, although he definitely couldn't be sure, but he knew the harassment would get worse, maybe to the point of being unbearable. The emotional aspects of this situation dominated his concerns, because he considered the psychological abuse more difficult to deal with than any physical injuries he might receive. Yes, Tommy had beaten him up and, yes, Eric had done nothing to help prevent that. Yes, he had grown too emotionally attached to them to be objective and, yes, what they had done was wrong. No, he couldn't change what had happened and he didn't really want to change the way he felt about them. They had hurt him, but still they had been, up to this point, one of the few stable things in his life and something that was very important to him. Maybe Eric was the most important person to him, even more important now than Tommy, because Jason was so deeply disappointed with how Tommy had turned on him and caused him all this har. He knew it sounded weird, but he couldn't just turn off his emotions, could he?