Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 16:05:17 +0100 From: Lange Subject: betrayed love - chapter eight umm, don't read this if: ~you are younger than 18 ~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories ~this is forbidden where you live = that means, read if you're sure you can risk it. thanks to Bill Watts for editing this ... I think the story would look not too good if he didn't do it ... not that I'm convinced of my writing ability. :) I mights add: a really huge 'thank you' to Bill as he really is a great guy AND he suggests the chapter headings, as i never have any idea whatsoever about that. thanks to Silvia for 'helping' me with the story line. ahh yeah, my homepage is http://home.t-online.de/home/lange.ruegen go there if you're interested in other stuff I write. forgot about this the last time: tis story is copyright my n-c-g [that's me, btw :-)]. All rights reserved. ... uhh, doesn't that sound dumb? :) so ... I hope nobody is offended by this chapter and you can enjoy it and please mail me if you like or dislike or whatever the story. ------- !!!!NOTE!!!! was this longer than usual? hmm ... dunno, anyway. i got one thank you note for inspiration. i don't even know if he'll be reading this, don't think so, but i want to thank Nero (a German writer who also writes on German) for in- spiring the part about the system (look at the chapter, you'll see what i mean). He had some similar thoughts in one of his stories ... so, i don't want to make it look like stealing :-) otherwise, enjoy. -------- ~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~ chapter eight - a time for questioning Eric ate no dinner that day. There was no need to experience the silent treatment again. He found himself avoiding any contact with his parents more and more often. He wondered if that was a good or a bad thing, he wasn't really sure. Well, it probably was not the right way to solve his problems, by simply ignoring his parents like that, but it was the only way he could deal with it right now. When he woke up the next day, the first thing that crossed his mind was that he'd have to face Steven again. How could he deal with him knowing that Peter was dead and Steven was responsible. That news would surely be all over school by the time the day was half over, because Peter was a former student and many people knew and remembered him. The teachers would be going on about how great he had been and that it's a shame that he had to die that tragically. Eric wondered how he would be able to sit in their class and listened to that, knowing exactly what had happened. Even though he would be uncomfortable and feel guilty about it, he wouldn't say a thing. Was that the way it was supposed to be? Was living his life with a lie the way it was supposed to be? That's not the way he wanted it, but he was too scared to do anything else. He swung his feet off the bed and went to the bathroom first, staring at his reflection in the mirror. 'Is that what a murderer looks like?' he thought to himself. He suddenly turned away from the mirror, knowing he would be tempted to smash it, rather than look at that miserable creature any longer. Emerging from the bath, a look at the clock confirmed his suspicion that his parents would be eating breakfast by now, but he did not really feel the need to join them. He would survive this one day without breakfast or the previous day's dinner. At least there would be nothing he could vomit all over the floor, if he didn't feel all that well when some teacher talked about Peter. He sat on the bed to pass the time, glancing on the clock every five minutes until he was positive that he could leave without arriving too early. At that point he was grateful that Steven had stopped coming to his house to fetch him every morning. While leaving, he saw his parents sitting in the kitchen, but they did not seem to recognize his presence at all. He looked at them for a second, then cast his eyes downward, a single tear rolling down his cheek. This was his family life. This was all he had, but it was far from enough for him. This was what others his age wished to have, the possibility to do what they wanted without their parents caring about it or giving it a second thought. But this was exactly what he wanted to change, and he had already thought about it far too often and for much too long this weekend. He didn't want to pursue those thoughts any more, especially not now. He only wanted a normal average life, like other people had, but maybe it was not destined to be that way. He didn't even like girls the way other boys did, instead he was attracted to Jason. Why was he like that and why was he attracted to boys in general? Why did it have to be him? On top of having this unusual family, why did he have to like boys too? That was probably in his genes, but he did not want to think about that now. He had to survive school first. Maybe Tommy would look better than he did on Friday. He'd been really quiet throughout the day. Even a few of his teachers had noticed that he was pale and sick looking. It bothered him at first, but on the other hand he thought, 'that bastard deserves to feel guilty'. Of course, he was referring to himself. Thinking again about the teachers, he realized that he hadn't really had time to analyze that yet, but they hadn't said anything on Friday about what had happened to Jason. Not one teacher had said anything about his not being in class and no teacher had asked anyone if he knew what had happened to Jason or how he was doing. First, the teachers all pretended to care *so* much about their students and then, when something happened to one of them, they did not utter even one word about it. After all, about half of the school had been involved and it was no big secret. So, their failure to say anthing was probably only to protect the prestige and the reputation of the school and indicated that they did not really care about the students attending it. Well, it certainly would tarnish the school's reputation if the other schools or other school's officials heard that a student of this high school had been beaten up because of being gay. And the sports teams would have a hard time when playing somewhere else, as the other teams would bring it up to distract them from concentrating on their game. So, they would whitewash the whole incident and prove that, it was all about the system. Honestly though, this shouldn't be Eric's concern, not right now anyway. The school looked the way it always did. Somehow that seemed to bother him, but he didn't know why. He didn't quite know what he had expected it to be like or whether he had actually expected a change over the weekend. Even if he had, there were no changes visible. It was pretty quiet everywhere he went, until he came to the corner of the campus where the jocks usually congregated...including him, of course. Still being some distance away, he heard them talking about Peter and he wanted to leave right then and there. He did catch himself, at the last moment though, and he continued on as usual. It would be more noticeable if he didn't stand with his usual 'friends', than it would be by just being a little more quiet while he was with them. Seeing they had already spotted him, he really did not have much of a choice left anyway. "Hey Eric. Did you hear about the fag?" "Which fag? Jason?" "No, the Jason-sissy thing is old news already. I'm talking about that Peter-guy. You know, that nerd who once went here to school." "What's up with him?" "You haven't heard about that yet? They found him dead in some alley. Whoever did it...you know...killed him, had had the right idea. It seems we'r] finally getting our school and town cleaned up. "Hm-mm, whatever..." "Eric, is everything alright with you?" someone asked him. He merely nodded that he was, but his thoughts were consumed with other things. The school looked the way it always did and, except for some comments about what had happened, nothing had changed. He didn't quite know what he had expected, whether he had actually expected everyone's attitude to change over the weekend or if he expected the campus to look different. Even if he had, there was nothing like that visible. "Eric, are you sure you're all right? You're kind of quiet today." "No, it's okay. Look guys, I have to talk to one of my teachers about an assignment, so I've got to go. See ya." Turning around abruptly, he left them standing there while he went into the building. Talk to a teacher? He wished, but he couldn't talk to any of his teachers anyway. They were either homophobic or so talkactive that the whole town would know about your secrets in no time at all. And, quite frankly, what student would go to one of his teachers to discuss his sexual orientation or lifestyle?. Surely, not him. Eric went directly to his homeroom. There was no need to cruise the hallways for endless minutes, as he would sooner or later meet up with Tommy and Steven anyway. He wondered if Steven would have the guts to show after what he'd done, but it would be a little strange if he didn't. Eric thought that if he was one of the other students, he would already suspect one of the three of them of having killed Peter, meaning Tommy, Steven and himself. They had been the ones who had initiated the attack against Jason on Thursday and Peter had died on Saturday. Both were or had been gay and both attended or had attended this school. The good thing was that none of the people who had been with them during the attack would say anything, because of their fear of being accused themselves. The nerds who had not been there, but had surely heard about it, still they wouldn't say anything because they were afraid of being beaten up by the jocks. That was the way the system worked. Tommy entered the room at that moment, and he had a guilty look on his face, which could even be seen through the dark shades that he used to try and cover his reddened eyes. This whole thing seemed to have affected him in a bad way, too. That was not what Eric had expected and he was a little taken aback, not having really a clear idea about how to react. He had wanted to be angry with Tommy and stare him down, but he was somehow a little shocked to see what condition Tommy was in. Eric caught himself quickly though, but he still stared hard at Tommy. It was now Tommy's turn to be surprised. Now it was Tommy's turn to squirm and think. What was it with Eric now? Why was he staring at him like that? What had he done that Eric hadn't done? Tommy quickly looked down and went to his seat, sat quietly and did not dare to look up, an act which surprised himself. When had been the last time that he, the sunny friendly boy, had been too shy or embarrassed to look somebody straight in the eyes. It had seemed as though nearly an eternity had passed since he had been like that, but there seemed to be new rules now. Why did he feel this way? Why did he feel guilty, even though the only thing he had done had been to show some gay guy where his place was. Sure, it had been Jason, but that was not the fact that made the difference, or was it? Only because Jason had been his friend before he became gay? No, that couldn't possibly be the reason. Still, there *had* to be something. He clearly remembered this little something that he had felt, when Jason had stared at him, before he had pushed Jason. There was something that had been triggered in the back of his mind, but he simply couldn't place it. And he didn't *want* to think about it just now. He lifted his head up a little and glance briefly in Eric's direction, and Eric was still staring at him, as he was stil sort of angry [with him. What happened to all the people he used to call his friends? Jason was a fag and Steven had not wanted to talk to him on Saturday, although he had earlier agreed to meet with him that evening. When Steven hadn't been at the place they had planned to meet, Tommy had called Steven at home. They had talked for a little while, but Steven had somehow sounded strange. It was like he was shaken up and not quite himself, and now he wasn't here. It wasn't only that, and, well, Eric seemed to be mad at him too, for no reason whatsoever. He had told Eric and Steven on Thursday about Jason's outing and then they'd all taught Jason a lesson about what would happen to fags. On Friday he'd cut most of his classes, because he hadn't felt up to it. Now Eric was mad at him[and he had no idea why. Is this the way life is supposed to be? Is this the way he'd have to live from now on? He didn't have anyone now, everybody seemed to have deserted him. Even the people he only had one or two courses with and had talked to occasionally didn't acknowledge him any more and they seemed to be avoiding him. Hell, even people who had been with him during the attack didn't look him in the eye anymore! Was everything his fault? Did he possibly do something wrong by telling Eric and Steven about Jason? But what should he have done and what other way should he have reacted? Well, at least it was time for class to start now. All the seats that Tommy could see were occupied, as the teacher entered to take attendance. The teacher started calling the roll the second he stood in front of the students. "Steven Robertson? Are you there Mr. Robertson? Obviously not. Does anybody know where he is? Mr. Cooke? Mr. Appel." Tommy looked up surprised when he realized that Steven was not there. How should he know where Steven was and why would the teacher ask Eric and him about that? "Umm, no, I don't know," Tommy answered. "I don't either," Eric replied, and then the two glared at each other briefly. "Well, okay. I have another announcement to make, so please remain seated for another minute." Groaning everybody fell into their seats again. These 'announcements' were never really appreciated by anyone. It would probably be only some stupid school thing anyway. "I don't know how many of you have heard about it, but Peter Mac Cally, a former student, was killed in an accident. The police do not quite know how it happened but, as far as I can tell, the authorities suspect that it wasn't an 'accident', but may have been an intentional act. If any of you has seen anything, please report it to me, other school officials, or to the police. Your help is needed. That's the only announcement, so you may leave now." Tommy remained in his seat. 'Peter was dead?' He rolled that question around in his mind. He could hardly believe it. He probably knew Peter better than the other students because his parents were friends of friends of the Mac Cally family. And well, he did remember him from school, so he knew that Peter had always been one of the brightest students at the school and he also knew that Peter was gay. At least his parents had told him something like that after Peter had come out and told their joint friends, at a gathering at the Mac Cally house. Maybe the 'accident' had something to do with his being gay? Or maybe it didn't, but he did not want to go around accusing people of murder. Although, it was sort of weird that Steven was not there today, especially after being really into the attack on Jason. If nothing else, he expected Steven to be there to gloat about how he had taken care of that queer. It wasn't like Steven to miss school when he had something to brag about, but he couldn't imply anything from that. After all, there were about 500 people around when Jason had been beaten up and you couldn't suspect each one of murder. Of course, people would suspect him or Steven first, as...well...they were the ones who had probably gone through the greatest change and had actually done the physical assault on their friend. They were the ones who went from being Jason's best friends to being his enemies, but who wouldn't have done the same? Who would have just stayed by Jay's, no Jason's side, and risked messing up their own life by being suspected of being a homo too. Sure, Jason had been a good friend, as long as he didn't have that problem, but there was a point when you had to take a stand for what you believed and start your own life... Does that mean that he's an insensitive, prejudiced asshole? Now he found himself in the hallway, so he must have moved involuntarily without even noticing it himself. He didn't look up while going to his first class, at least not until a person suddenly stepped in his way. He looked up, his eyes moving from the person's feet, over their pants and shirt, and then into their face. It was Jason's sister Tania. Seeing her standing there glaring at him with that look on her face, he already cringed bracing himself for her wrath. She shot him looks that could kill for several long minutes, which seemed more like forever to him, before she nearly spat her comments at him. "Fuck you!" she said menacingly quiet, then she walked in a semi-circle around him and left him standing in the middle of the hallway alone. Tommy continued to stand at the very spot for another five minutes, catching strange looks from the other students passing him by. Most were a little irritated, some assuming Peter's death had been his fault, some - the ones who'd been bullied by him - happy that he got to feel what most of them had experienced more than once because of him. The hallways were empty again, but he didn't feel like going to class right then, especially because Eric would be there and he would probably spend the entire period giving him those looks again. And he would feel vulnerable and he didn't want that. He felt his eyes tearing up once more. He had already been on the verge of crying when he had left his house today, walking to school without Jason. Now he hurriedly grabbed his backpack that had fallen on the floor, ran out of the building and over the open area of the campus. By the time he'd reached the main gate, tears were streaming down his face, partly because of the humiliation he had gone through when Jason's sister had looked at him with that weird look, but there was *still* something else. There was some other reason for why he felt so strange when confronted by Tania, besides the possible twinge of guilt. This was another feeling he couldn't place. He could only remember a couple of other time he had felt like this before. The first time was when Jason had told him everything in the detention, then that same feeling had been there when he had pushed Jason, and he felt it again when he had been lying on his bed that whole Thursday afternoon and evening. What made it worse was that his mother had that knowing look on her face, as if she knew exactly what was going on in his life and in his mind. Tommy took in his surroundings in for the first time, after having left the campus, and found himself on the street where Jason lived. Actually he was not very far away from Jason's house. He wanted his legs to stop running, but it was as if they had a mind of their own and didn't want to be prevented from continuing on. It was already too late by the time he saw the car approaching down the road, coming to a stop in front of Jason's house. When he saw Jason's father step out of the car and help Jason get out of the car as well, he tried to somehow hide behind a bush. He didn't know that Jason had spotted him already and was now following his attempt to hide with a mix of interest, pity, and anger. And, of course, the hurt. Jason didn't feel that great anyway, at least not now. Last night the doctor had come to visit him again and gave him what he had said would be his 'farewell- present'. When Jason opened his mouth to scream, the doctor had jumped on top of him and sealed his lips with a kiss, thus muffling his attempted scream. It had been even worse than it had been the first time, but he didn't want to think about it anymore. The doctor had said that if Jason told anyone about it, he would tell people that he had been seduced by Jason. And whom would the people rather believe, a doctor with a wife and two children, with the reputation of being one of the best doctors in the hospital, or 'some fag'. Jason knew the doctor was right. What the doctor had done was not right and would be condemned if discovered, but who would believe him or take him seriously? He knew he could never just walk into some police station and tell them that he'd been molested. He couldn't even think about it without breaking in tears because of his shame. Maybe the doctor was right and he had involuntarily given him signs. If so, it meant everything was his fault, didn't it? He had been the one who led him on, and all that had happened because of Tom, no Tommy. He had trusted him, told him everything, and laid his life in Tommy's hands, but Tommy had betrayed him. Actually that's exactly what had happened. He had trusted Tommy and told him everything, and Tommy turned on him and told everyone else his secret. Maybe he should be grateful that he was not dead now. Now it looks like Tommy was probably planning something else for him, as he was obviously spying on him right now. What an idiot he was to even think tha] he could hide behind that dog-sized bush. No matter, Tommy wasn't worth the effort it would take to worry about him. Not now. Not ever again. Tommy would never love him and he didn't want to waste his love on a bastard like that. Sure, you can't just turn love on and off, but he knew there was really no hope left, so he might as well quit wasting his time and turn his attention to other things. "Jason, are you okay?" his father asked. "What? Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking." "Come on then." His father led him up the stairs and into his room, a room that gave no indication whatsoever that Jason might be gay. What was on his computer would, but he had made it his most important rule to never turn on the computer when anyone else, especially Tommy, was there. Of course, he'd nearly slipped up with that a few times. Luckily he never quite managed that mistake, because his cover would have been blown before Thursday if Tommy or a member of his family had seen the background on his computer. Tommy would have probably been really shocked to see all those pictures of himself and of him and Jason together. The background was the only place Jason kept photos of Tommy. Everything else would have been a bit too obvious. That was over anyway. He would delete that background as soon as he was allowed to use the computer again, but that wouldn't be for a while. That meant, the only things he could actually do were to lie on bed to think, sleep, eat, or something in- between. His thoughts now turned to eating and he noticed that he was pretty hungry. He asked his father if he could have his favorite meal and his father immediately went to fetch it, the wished-for meal of pizza with his favorite chocolate bars for dessert. Jason enjoyed pizza, but he loved chocolate more than anything else. He knew that he was fortunate that he didn't gain weight by eating his fill, because he was literally addicted to chocolate. Besides, it would help take his mind off Tommy. Tommy was now a thing of the past and, with all that had happened in the hospital with Eric, there was something else to think about. He would have never have imagined... Oh, there was his father with the pizza and chocolate. "I'll go back to work then," his father told him. "You have the telephone for there so, if there are any problems, call me or your mom. Tania will be home about four and your mom will be here around two. That means you'll have maybe five hours by yourself. Remember: no computer, no TV, and nothing strenuous. Just lie back and take it easy. I know you might want to move around or be active right now, but you've got to heal first. Hmm, promise me you won't try to do anything like that. You've also seemed very depressed lately. Is there something going on between you and Tommy, maybe something else that has happened that I don't know about?" "Dad!" "Okay, I leave that alone for now, but please talk to me if something's bothering you. You don't have to go through all this alone. We're going to make it together. I love you." "I love you too, Dad." His father walked to the door and turned one last time while standing in the doorway, looking at Jason and seeing that he already closed his eyes. In a way he looked so peaceful, lying there with the sun streaming through the window, lighting the whole room, and reflecting off of Jason's skin. He also noted that it appeared as if his son was already dreaming about something really nice. That's the way it seemed to his father anyway but, in reality, Jason was lost, deep in thought.