Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 19:04:05 +0200 From: Lange Subject: betrayed love - chapter nine umm, don't read this if: ~you are younger than 18 ~you are homophobic or you just generally don't like this sort of stories ~this is forbidden where you live = that means, read if you're sure you can risk it. thanks to Bill Watts for editing this ... I think the story would look not too good if he didn't do it ... not that I'm convinced of my writing ability. :) I mights add: a really huge 'thank you' to Bill as he really is a great guy AND he suggests the chapter headings, as i never have any idea whatsoever about that. thanks to Silvia for 'helping' me with the story line. ahh yeah, my homepage is http://home.t-online.de/home/lange.ruegen go there if you're interested in other stuff I write. forgot about this the last time: tis story is copyright my n-c-g [that's me, btw :-)]. All rights reserved. ... uhh, doesn't that sound dumb? :) so ... I hope nobody is offended by this chapter and you can enjoy it and please mail me if you like or dislike or whatever the story. Interested in other work of mine, read "us" in gay/highschool, posted on April 1st. ------- !!!!NOTE!!!! i know, i know...some great delay and honestly...this chapter sucks big time. i am really sorry. i hope it will get better soon again, but i had some personal shit to face in the last month and that made writing not quite that easy. anyway, try to enjoy it somehow. And, something else, my medical background knowledge is pretty poor ... so hmmm... correct me or tell me what i did wrong. and mail me with some...comments or something. -------- ~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~ chapter nine - setbacks and questions Jason really wanted to turn his thoughts to more pleasant things, such as the happier occurrences of the weekend and his time in the hospital. Well, more appropriately, there was *only* one pleasant thing that happened at the hospital, and now he thought back upon it. He never expected that Eric would show up there. Why would he imagine that anybody who had been in the mob that had attacked him would come to the hospital and somehow break down in front of him. He still couldn't believe that Eric had done so. He was one of the people who had been at the very front of the crowd when all that happened, and maybe he was in on the plan. Although Jason could still recall every face that was there that day, he only vaguely remembered that Eric hadn't seemed comfortable with the whole situation and well, he honestly was not that sure anymore whether Eric had been among his attackers. He couldn't remember that much at all about that afternoon, beyond the first few moments. The rest of that day was somehow all blurred...hmm...yeah...that's the best way to describe it. You could say that the beating had scrambled his brain and distorted his memories, so a lot of this didn't make sense to him. Why would Eric visit him in the hospital anyway? It wasn't like they were the best of friends. Frankly, they were not friends at all. Sure, there was the possibility that he did it out of sympathy, but sympathy was not the same as friendship, not quite anyway. After all, he didn't even know whether Eric somehow liked him, although the visit in the hospital had proven that there might be something between them. Despite his love for Tommy, he did have a crush on Eric in a way, but he still couldn't understand why he'd reacted this...affectionate. He didn't know what had come over him when he had petted Eric's hair, but he'd looked so really sorry and guilty that he couldn't resist touching him. He seemed to have a weird thing for cute guys who were crying. First, there had been Tommy and, when he had seen him crying, he'd fallen in love with him and now, Eric had been crying in the hospital. Did that mean he'd fallen in love with Eric as well? It was just...there was something magical about these moments. You got to see the inner person, his true identity that he hid at all other times. All the safe-guards and controls were down and you were able to look behind the fa‡ade he had constructed to fool others. You had the chance to see that the person was only human and vulnerable...and *so* cute. Both Eric and Tommy had been, but no...there was Tommy again. Honestly, Eric had been way cuter than Tommy...or was it the other way around? And he had stroked Eric's head. He had wanted to do that to Tommy, but he had chickened out it in the end. He had contemplated doing it while standing in front of the door to Tommy's room and he'd *had* the time to plan how he would do it. With Eric there had been no planning, it was all spontaneous. He had just...done it. What did *that* mean now? Life was heavy. He couldn't believe what had happened during these few past days. It was altogether something people didn't usually have to experience throughout their lives and for him it had been in such a short period of time. If only it would have never happened. If only he could go to school again without having to fear being beaten up or stared at. He wanted to think if only he hadn't told Tommy, but his mind successfully blocked that thought. It had been the right decision to tell him, he still believed that. The fact that Tommy had, in turn, told the whole school about it was not that perfect, but it hadn't been in his power to control it anymore. Being bored just sitting there thinking, he decided to grab a slice of pizza and some chocolate. He did love chocolate, but he was not all that hungry. Weird. He should have been, as the hospital food was not *that* good, but you can't force certain things, can you? So, out of boredom he began drawing imaginary lines with his finger on his belly. These movements gradually excited him and the more excited he became, the nearer he got to his pubic hair and penis. When he first touched his member, the memory of the doctor's touches flooded his mind and a feeling of nausea overcame him. He threw back the cover, nearly jumped out of the bed and was just in time to hurl in the toilet bowl, and not vomit all over the floor. He dry heaved for another 15 minutes, after he finished spewing his guts, before collapsing on the tiles next to the toilet. As the time passed, he felt the cold of the air-conditioned room creeping up his naked legs and torso. He shivered, but did not find the strength to get up or to move anything at all. He was in the same state he had been in after his first incident with the doctor. He was in shock. His body didn't belong to him anymore. Neither did his mind. He couldn't think straight. His mind was totally blank. No productive thoughts, or should we say no thoughts at all, were produced. It simply just was. Jason was in a dream-like state. Cold sweat soaked his boxers and made them cling to his body. He was sickly pale and sweat dripped from his brow and nose, from his nipples and boxers, from nearly every other part of his body. His eyes were wide open, as was his mouth, but he saw nothing and no sound came out. He never was quite unconscious, but his mind switched on and off continually. He never completely went into shock, but his system began to shut down, he was emotionally out of it, and his mind was absolutely blank. He had no feelings of any kind for quite some time. He couldn't tell how much time had gone by or how long it would be before his mother would come home. He had no control over his body and his senses were numb, so he wasn't really aware of how cold his body had become. It just was the way it was. It was as if he knew no other feeling besides the emptiness in his soul. He didn't even think it was so horrible to sit there like that. It wasn't until his mother's screams echoed off the white bathroom tiles, that he recognized that something had to be really wrong with him or with the situation. His mother tried to drag him to his feet, but Jason didn't even attempt to move even a little bit. She couldn't even manage to pull him off the ground one inch and then she began to wonder if she should move him at all. She decided to leave him where he was, before she began to collapse herself. She started to panic now, seeing her son like this, but she realized she had to control her fear or she would be no help to Jason at all. She then went to the phone and dialed her husband's number. She nearly yelled at him through the phone. He promised to come home immediately, after seeing what condition his wife was in. In the meantime, Jason's mother went back into the bathroom, sank down next to Jason and tried to wash the mess from Jason's body. It was a desperate attempt to calm her own nerves, but she didn't succeed at that though. She knew it was some kind of shock reaction. It had to be. She only wondered why it happened now. One of the main reasons why Jason had had to stay in the hospital for four days was that doctors had wanted to observe him in case he would go into shock, his body's way of dealing with the attack. When nothing had happened over those four days, they had said something like they couldn't tell now when or if the shock would set in. The greatest chance of that happening had been shortly after the attack, but it still could have been months until he'd have fully realized what had been going on. Obviously, it had not taken months. Should she call an ambulance now, to get him into the hospital? She decided to wait for her husband to arrive first and then they would decide together what was the best solution. She grabbed the washcloth again and wiped Jason's head while talking to him in a soothing voice. There was no reaction at all from Jason and she did become slightly worried now, no, let's stay honest, she became terribly worried. Fortunately Jason's father entered at that moment and took in the situation at once, although he got quite a shock too, when he saw Jason. He had left him feeling quite good, hadn't he? Or was it maybe his fault? Should he have called a doctor when he had noticed that Jason had seemed depressed? But he had assumed that it had been only a normal and natural reaction. He had even asked for chocolate and had seemed fine. Why was he suddenly like that? What had happened that made the shock set in? These questions were not at all that important though. It was important now that Jason would get into bed before he possibly caught a cold or something similar on the cold tiles. Who knew how long he'd lain there on the floor. But were they even allowed to move him? "Nat, do you think we should carry him to his bed?" "I don't know. I know that I can't help you carry him, but maybe we shouldn't move him at all. Shall I call a doctor? "Yes, I think it's the best solution. At least we'll know what's going on then. We would probably do something wrong and only worsen his condition. You make the call and I'll fetch a blanket in the meantime." Jason's mother did call the doctor and she surprised herself that she could make it through the conversation without her voice breaking. Jason's father fetched a blanket and took the spot his wife had left vacant next to Jason. He wrapped the blanket around his son and held the shivering boy tightly to his own body. Why did it have to be Jason? He had never done anything to anybody. He had always been a good friend to everyone. It was not fair. Jason's being gay was the only thing that had made people do this, to beat him this badly. Sure, it was not Jason's fault that he was this way and it was nothing he wanted to change, but still, it is a fact that nothing would have happened if Jason was heterosexual. No, that was not an option and it wouldn't change anything by considering it. They had to deal with reality and the present situation, and not with some imaginary situation. Still, he did not want Jason to go through it. Life was tough enough without those extra problems Jason had now, but on the other hand it may be even better that everything was in the open now. Jason could now be who he was and what he was, but he was glad that his son didn't seem to be one of those gays [who liked to wear] dresses and make-up. Right now he only seemed really scared, although there was not really a reaction, but somehow it wasn't the vibes his father got from Jason. He gently stroked the boy's hair and pushed it out of his eyes. It had been really long time since he'd seen Jason like that. True Jason had always been a sensitive child, but lately he had not quite shown that side of himself to his parents. Teenagers. When he had been younger, he had been a child who would begin to cry, even if it was someone else who had been teased or hurt, and Tommy's rejection must have been the most terrible thing in his young life. It must have been crushing. Yes, it definitely had been crushing, considering the condition Jason was in now. How had this happened to his poor boy. He kissed him lightly on the forehead and held him a little tighter, somehow rocking him back and forth. Jason's mother entered the bathroom again and kneeled in front of Jason embracing him from there until they heard the bell downstairs. She went downstairs and let the doctor in. He'd been taking care of her family for years now, and he talked to her briefly, as they stood at the bottom of the stairs. "Do I understand it correctly that you don't quite know the reason for this reaction of his?" "Well, the only reason I could think of would be the attack he experienced a few days ago. I'm sure you have heard about it. The doctors have told us that the immediate risk of him slipping into shock was over and he could leave the hospital this morning. We were told that it was only a slight possibility that the shock could set in now, or in days, weeks, months, in soe cases even years from now." "I must say, there's not *that* much I can do and, as long as he is not unconscious, there is now immediate reason to send him back into the hospitae. I don't really think that either of you want that to happen anyway, do you? Let's go upstairs and I'll give him an injection that will keep him calm and will make him sleepy, so he'll get a bit of rest. About the reason for his going into shock, he'll probably have to see a psychologist about that. I know a few good ones and can give you their names and addresses later." "The doctors in the hospital said something similar and it would be really nice if you could give us a few names." The two went up the stairs. The doctor analyzed the situation pretty quickly and his assumption was proved right. "Mr. Matthews, you will have to carry him to the bed, I'm afraid." "Yes, we have thought about that, but my wife and I both have been scared moving him would be the wrong thing to do, so we waited for you." Jason's father cradled the still dazed boy in his arms, carried him carefully back to his room, and laid him down on the bed, lovingly pushing the hair from Jason's forehead once more. His wife silently watched this tender scene, and was wiping her eyes with a tissue. How could it have come this far? A week ago Jason had been a happy seventeen year-old, at the beginning of his life, and now you wouldn't have been surprised to hear him talk of committing suicide. He hadn't done so though. They had been by his side in the hospital, but there he had uttered no words indicating he wanted to die. There had been desperate words, but there had never been any which indicated total hopelessness. Had that set in now? Did he now think about suicide? He looked so unnatural, the way he lay on his bed. In the hospital he had looked so peaceful although his medical condition had been far worse that it was now. Still, he looked so bad. The doctor injected some clear fluid into Jason's veins and almost from the second it entered his system, his face and limbs lost the tension they had held. His body relaxed completely and his eyes closed, leaving the impression of a sleeping teen. Jason's mother closed the curtains and the room was robbed of its light immediately. She then joined her husband and the doctor, who were standing in front of the door, and talked. "I can't say for sure that he won't go back into shock again, but I think it's safe. You better call me though when the police arrives tomorrow, so I can give Jason another injection. He'll maybe need one then. Here are the names and addresses of some really good psychologists." "I'm sure we will call you and thanks." The doctor left and once more the parents kept standing in the hall and searched each other's faces for reactions to the recent happening. Jason's father closed the distance of five feet between them and took his wife into his arms, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words into her ear. This was not easy for anyone in the family. It was definitely not easy for Tania. It had been really hard for her to go through the school and to know that the people she had classes with could have been the ones cheering Tommy on - that's what Jason had told her anyway - to hurt her brother. It was clear that it was hard for Jason, no questions asked. Everybody could imagine it was hard. Well, nobody can fully know what it's like without having experienced it themselves, but he couldn't easily forget about it either. The whole situation was also hard for the parents. They accepted Jason's sexual orientation, that was for sure, but they'd been thrown into the cold water without having the chance to test its temperature beforehand. And they didn't know how to actually *help* Jason. They could tell him again and again that it was perfectly okay and no problem for them, but there was not much more they could do. Other than reassuring him and supporting him morally, Jason was pretty much on his own. 'As cruel as it may sound', thought Jason's father after analyzing the situation, that was the best he could do. Jason's mother had made the same analysis, but she did not take it as calmly as her husband. She wriggled out of his grasp, went up the stairs into Jason's room, sat by his side, and held his hand, as the tears streamed down her face and fell onto their joined hands. Why did it have to be Jason to experience all of this? Why not someone else, but she knew herself that those were cruel and unfair thoughts and that *they* had to live with the situation now. Especially Jason would have to live with it. Jason seemed peaceful just then, and there seemed to be nothing he was concerned with at that moment. He did not feel his mom's touch and he did not think about anything consciously. He did dream though. He dreamt he lay in bed just the way he did, but he felt that in his dream he was not alone in the room. His assumption was proven right when a body joined his on the bed and lay on top of him and kissed him. He was relieved that it was not that doctor, but...it was Tommy. Tommy was in his dream and kissed him? It couldn't be him, but obviously...hmm...no...that face faded now and it faded into...Eric's. Now it was Eric kissing and caressing him. Eric? But it was not clearly Eric. It turned from Eric's into Tommy's and back again continually and Jason did not quite know who was whom until the body seemed to part in the middle and there were both boys separately. Clearly. Well, as clear as it can be in a dream. And both boys were touching him and loving him until suddenly Tommy disappeared and Eric was left on the bed. He felt Eric's lips on his and his face slowly moving downwards licking and playfully biting his nipples making him writhe in ecstasy on the bed. Eric's hands too, went to work and began to slowly touch and caress his inner thighs moving higher with each stroke until he caressed Jason's penis and balls making him moan in pleasure. Jason threaded his hands into Eric's hair and pushed his head down. Eric happily complied and first licked around the head of Jason's member, lapping up the liquid that oozed from the tip savoring every drop of it. He would have kept to that if Jason hadn't forcefully pulled his hair and made him swallow his cock. He slowly engulfed it and worked his tongue along the shaft, bathing it in his saliva and also dripped down his chin and onto Jason thighs. He bobbed up and down on the penis and heard Jason's groaning below him. Jason's penis expanded one last time...and he woke up. First he lay unbelieving under the cover and slowly felt around his groin area. There was a pool of cum there. He'd had a wet dream. About Eric. Shit. Groaning, he laid back again and the cum-soaked blanket settled on his body. The dream had been so intense, so real, but what did it mean? Dreams always have a meaning, don't they? Well, the last part maybe meant that Eric did mean something to him and that was true...of course. At least he was somehow sure now...Yes, he had thought about it for quite some time and, yes, he was sure now. The question left was what it meant when the body seducing him split into two and when both boys had been seducing him. Did that mean that he had feelings for both boys or that he *had* had feelings first for Tommy, then for both and now for Eric? Well, it could be possible. Maybe, but was it useful to think about it? Maybe he should rather just let it pass without paying too much attention to it. He was not sure he could do that though. He always thought about everything entirely too much and it somehow spoiled his life in a way. There is always the possibility to think too much about things, to only confuse yourself by all that thinking and to simply spoil your way of life. But what would he have done if he had been naive about it? He probably would have told Tommy very shortly after he figured out he was in love with him and Tommy would either have beaten him then or he would have accepted it. Of course, acceptance was not a bad thing, but it sadly was not the thing that most likely would have happened. The more probable thing to have happened was surely the beating and it would have been worse. That was pretty clear to him now because , first of all, he would have been younger (it was only a year, but so what?), but would it automatically have been worse then? And the second reason, Tommy had been crueler a few years ago, at least that was the way it seemed to him now. There would not have only been his physical strength to deal with, but also weapons, such as knives etc. Tania had told him about that, but he had refused to believe it. A certain part of his mind still did, but the main part did believe it now. If he remembered correctly, he had seen one of these army knives in Tommy's room, but his mind had not wanted to make the connection between the two facts. So much about thinking too much about things. Seeing the pros and cons, maybe it was good to think in depth about things. Shaking his head, he grinned to himself. It was only possible to have these kinds of thoughts when you've got some drug flowing through your system. It was hilarious. It was just then that he noticed his mom next to his bed and holding his hand. She was obviously asleep, but she didn't look very relaxed. She did look worried and somehow like she was in pain, the way she sat on the chair next to his bed. In pain - not physical pain, at least he didn't think it was physical - it was most likely caused by emotional stress or mental anguish. He was sorry to put her, his dad, and his sister through all this crap. He'd never wanted any member of his family to be hurt by something like that. It was his fault that everybody seemed to feel so bad. In general, he did not regret telling Tommy, even after the attack and so on, but he regretted how much he'd indirectly hurt his family. It was not what he had wanted[.] It had been even one of his - admittedly minor - reasons for not telling Tommy in the first place, but now it even seemed to him like he was searching for excuses in vain. And it was a useless act. He couldn't change anything by analyzing it. He would only make it worse by doing so. That was for sure. Plus, he had become tired by now. Maybe the injection was better than he had thought. Maybe there was... Before he could think that thought completely through, his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep, awaking only when his mom moved for the first time the next morning.