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Chapter Twenty Seven
"Just what exactly are you planning to do with that?" was the question I was confronted with as soon as my dad spotted what I had in my hands.
The look on my dad's face was hard to read, but judging from the way he was looking at my hands, I'd have said that at that moment, he was in over his head and he knew it. On the other hand, though, I was completely in touch with my own feelings. It was rather liberating, in my opinion, to be standing in his presence with the large plastic contraption I had in my hands. Still, I knew I had to use tact, especially because I knew my dad had no clue what it meant to a gay boy like me to be able to try new things and explore my sexuality in such a way.
I looked up at my dad, then back down to the object I held onto for dear life, and then back up at my dad again and smiled.
"I'm going to soak my feet in it dad," I said with a grin, holding the portable hot wax tub that my Aunt Christina and Richard had given me as a gift. They had just dropped me off at home after a day of pampering at the day spa, and right before we left, they handed me the expensive tub as a gift.
In all reality my dad shouldn't have been shocked. It was his idea for me to go with Richard and my Aunt Christina, and he actually called and asked her to take me. My aunt was quick to agree, and she was even happier when my dad asked her if there was a possibility that Richard could go too.
Seeing my dad and Richard talk was a little strange for me. If nothing else, I was struck by the ease of their conversation, especially considering the story my aunt told me when we had seen each other the last time. But they got along just fine. In fact, they got along better than fine.
Richard was probably one of the most effeminate guys I had ever met in my life. I always noticed it, but now that I had confirmation that he was gay, his feminine ways seemed to shine through more than ever. It was heartening, though, to hear my dad and Richard talk about growing up in the neighborhood. Richard said that my dad was like a big brother to him when he was a kid in every way, even when it came to my dad picking on him.
When we were ready to leave, my dad got up, shook Richard's hand and gave my Aunt Christina and I a hug. My dad dug a couple hundred dollars out of his wallet and handed it to my aunt, then we were out the door. In the car on the way there, my aunt told me that she was paying for my spa treatment and that we'd find something there to spend the money on that I could take home.
I have to admit that up to that point, the most exposure I'd had to other gays was Mark, and in the most remote sense of the word, Justin. In my mind, though, Justin never counted because he wasn't truly gay. But Mark was far from the flamboyant gay boy I wanted to be, so it was hard for me to relate to him in some ways. With us, it was all about being close to each other and having sex. There were no make over parties, and we didn't talk about things like cute clothes and cute actors. He didn't have any hot posters in his room of cute singers or actors, so it was almost as if we had no common ground between us besides our obvious attraction to each other.
Richard, on the other hand, seemed to be as out and proud as I wanted to be. He had Gwen Stefani in the CD player, and he had no problem playing Fluorescent over and over for me. It was easily my favorite song, and it made me want to get up and shake it. In fact, if we hadn't been in his car, I just might have done it.
When we got there, I took note of the way Richard walked and handled himself. Since I had come out to my dad I had already let myself evolve a little. I mean, I wasn't consciously trying to be something I wasn't, but I wasn't afraid to try new things, either. One area that I had already caught up to Richard in was my walk.
If I was at home, or even if I was around Justin and Mark, I would let my hips sway from side to side. Not always, but often. It just depended on my mood, I guess. After having sex with Mark or Justin, though, I was almost always in the mood to swing my butt when I walked. Especially if I was still in the mood for sex, which was more often than not.
When we were inside the spa, Richard and I were separated from my Aunt Christina for a couple of hours while we got our haircuts and our massages. I thought I was going to faint when I saw my masseuse. He was almost too hot to be true, like something out of the movies. He was probably six and a half feet tall and about a hundred eighty pounds with blonde locks all over his head, blue eyes and a set of pearly white teeth that gleamed whenever he flashed his winning smile.
Richard's masseuse was just as cute, but not as tall and built. I was almost certain that they had asked the spa to get me that particular guy because Richard told me in advance that he thought I'd be enjoying the scenery. When we were settled on our tables and I was getting used to the idea that a gorgeous hunk was using his hands on my back, neck and legs, Richard pressed me for details about my love life.
"Do tell, Kevin," he said in a gossipy manner. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Kinda," I admitted in a shy voice. "My dad doesn't know about him, though."
"Would he have a problem with you dating?" Richard asked.
"Yeah, we already talked about it," I said, recalling the conversation my dad and I had the day after an impromptu trip to the emergency room that stemmed from an incident in my room.
"What brought that on?" Richard asked, and my cheeks tinged a bright red that I didn't have to see to know was there. Something told me that he already knew what had happened but was playing dumb, so I decided to humor him.
"Well, my dad knows that I'm.." and I realized I was having a hard time saying it in front of a stranger.
"You know, gay's not a dirty word, Kevin," Richard said plainly, letting his arms drop down on either side of the table. "I thought you were out."
"I am," I said, feeling ashamed of myself for tensing up about using the word gay to describe myself.
"Well, what's the problem?" he asked with a smile that eased my insecurities about being so open about my sexuality in front of a stranger. Even a stranger I found myself enticed by.
"There isn't one," I said, trying to let my arms drop off the side of the table the way Richard had but finding out that they were too short to hang over. I folded my arms again and smiled before I said, "He knows I'm gay."
"So who's the lucky boy, then?" he asked, and I smiled before I went on to tell him about Justin.
"He's my best friend," I said, then I bragged on. "He's not my real boyfriend, but we do stuff like we're boyfriends."
"Oh yeah?" Richard asked, looking like he was ready for some gossip.
"Yeah," I said confidently.
"Well maybe if you do stuff that boyfriend's do, you should ask him to be your boyfriend," he suggested.
"Well, I don't know," I said, realizing that half of the truth was going to be hard for me to keep up with. "There are more reasons why we aren't boyfriends."
"Like what kind of reasons?" Richard pressed.
"Well, like my real boyfriend," I said, careful not to give out too much information.
"How many boyfriends do you have, Kevin?" Richard asked, folding his arms under his head.
"Well, just one real boyfriend, and one that's not really my boyfriend," I confessed, realizing how silly that sounded, especially when Richard sighed and cleared his throat.
"Okay, you're going to have to start from the beginning, Kevin," he said, looking flustered. "First of all, who's your real boyfriend and who's the one you just do stuff with?"
"Are you going to tell my dad or my auntie?" I asked, a little nervous about giving away too much information. I knew it could mean big trouble if he went back to my Aunt Christina or my dad with my secrets.
"Your secret's safe with me, darling," he said in such an endearing voice that I couldn't help but trust him.
"My real boyfriend is Mark, and my kinda boyfriend is Justin," I said. "I see them both everyday."
"So they live around here?" he asked, and I nodded. I knew my answer was a little misleading, but I was still way too nervous about giving him too much information.
"So what kind of boyfriend stuff are you doing?" he asked nonchalantly, turning his head for a moment while his masseuse worked on his neck.
"Just making out and stuff," I said, again not wanting to give too much information away.
"Well making out sounds like a lot of fun," he said. "Why doesn't your dad want you to have a boyfriend?"
"Because he thinks I'll have sex," I said quietly, realizing that the truth had just escaped my lips.
"Darling, no offense, but that's a little silly," he said. "You're eleven, not sixteen. What would give him an idea like that?"
At that point the tension got so thick in the room that it could have been cut with a knife. Even our masseuses felt it, because when I didn't answer right away, everything seemed to stop, including our massages. I swallowed a little, and it became painfully clear to me that Richard was starting to get the picture. After an awkward minute of silence Richard simply cleared his throat and said, "I see. Well, a promise is a promise. I won't say anything."
"Thanks," was all I could respond with, hoping the questions would stop. Unfortunately, I had no such luck.
"So how did your dad find out?" he asked in a casual tone, and I shrugged a little before I answered.
"He caught me in my room with something I was using," I said cryptically, not wanting to confess to owning a dildo. "I got hurt and he heard me. He came in my room and busted me with it, then he had to take me to the emergency room."
"Ouch," he said with sympathy, wincing a little for effect. "So you do those same things with Mark and Justin?"
I slowly nodded, praying to God that my secret was safe. My dad and I had a hard enough time moving past what had gone on the Monday night before. If he knew I had been engaging in actual sex, I knew he'd most likely lose his mind. I was sure he was going to ground me for the dildo, but much to my surprise, he just gave me a long talking to.
Of course, before we got to that point we had to overcome a lot of obstacles. The first of which was the fact that he had barged into my room and I was holding the giant model of a phallus in my hand. I also happened to be naked from the waist down, and I was on my knees on my bed. At the very least, I supposed at the time, he didn't see me when I had it shoved up my butt. That would have been the extra icing on the cake that we didn't need.
Unfortunately, there already plenty of icing on the cake that night. The fact that he had caught me was only the first part of the ordeal. The other part of the ordeal was the injury I had sustained as a result of forcing the huge rod into my body to begin with. I tried to act like I wasn't hurt, but my dad wasn't hearing it.
"What's going on in here, son?" he asked cautiously as he approached my bed. I looked up at him and gulped, then I pulled my sheet up over my privates, trying hard to conceal my activities from my dad.
"Nothing," I said weakly, realizing that I was busted. When he crossed his arms and cocked his head to one side, I knew I was had. I let the dildo drop from my hands and tried to cover it with the sheets as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. My dad let out a huge sigh and nodded, then he rested his forehead against his fingertips and waited for me to pull myself together.
I guess I didn't expect him to
actually try to care for my injuries, but that was exactly what he did. I was
bleeding, and I knew it. He knew it too, because when I pulled my covers back
and got out of the bed, there was blood on my sheets. He immediately told me to
get dressed and we went to
As if being caught in the act of trying to satisfy my urge for anal sex by my own father wasn't humiliating enough, I had to tell the triage nurse what happened. I got it out as quickly as I could, then I buried my face in my dads chest while he confirmed what I said. I didn't even want my face to be seen, much less to have my heartbeat and blood pressure checked by the same nurse I had just basically come out of the closet to.
The good news was that there was no major trauma that would require stitches. They gave us a tube of some type of ointment and wrote a prescription for another type, then we were out the door.
On the way out we were given several pamphlets about sexually transmitted diseases and safe sex, as well as a list of resources in the area for contraception and support for families.
"I'm sorry dad," I said ashamedly as
we neared the freeway that would take us from
"Don't be, Kevin," he answered. "I guess we've never really had that talk, have we?"
"No," I said, gripping the plastic bag with my ointment and paper work from the hospital in it.
"Well I guess we can start now," he said with a sigh. "What were you trying to do, son?"
"I don't know," I said dejectedly. "I guess I was just... well, I don't know how to say it."
"Well, let me ask you this," he said flatly before he cleared his throat and continued. "How long have you had that thing?"
"I just got it a little while ago," I said, knowing that I wasn't being totally honest.
"I take it that was your first time trying to use it," he said, and I looked over at him guiltily and nodded.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked, fearful of his answer.
"No, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned," he said pointedly. "I'm a little upset that you hurt yourself, tonight, Kevin, but I'm not mad at you."
"I didn't mean to," I said bitterly in a quiet voice.
"I know you didn't, son," he said softly. "Why don't we just get ourselves home and we'll talk about this tomorrow."
I don't think I had ever been as relieved in my life. I was positive that he had been planning to grill me on where I got the dildo, and what I knew about sex. Thankfully, though, we just went to bed as soon as we got home.
I was dragging when I got home from school the next day. My dad actually told me that I could stay home to rest and recover, but I didn't want to miss anymore school. I know it's a little nerdy, but I pay attention to my attendance because I know it affects my grades. I'm not exactly a straight A student, but I'm not a dummy either. I get on the honor roll every time and I think I'd be a little disappointed if I didn't.
My dad wasn't home yet, so I laid my homework out on the table and started working on it. About an hour later I heard the lock on the front door turning and looked over just in time to see the knob turn and the door open, letting in the rays of sunlight that seemed to highlight the dust particles that dance in the air. My dad came in toting his briefcase and a large leather binder, but he dropped them both on the couch as he made his way past it and toward me. I got up to meet him halfway, and he knelt down and held his arms out for me, welcoming my hug.
"Did you have a good day buddy?" he asked as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt him kiss my cheek as I nodded and took in the scent of his cologne, which was most prevalent on his collar.
"I missed you today," I said sleepily.
"I missed you too little buddy," he said softly as I nuzzled my head against his shoulder. "Are you sleepy, son?"
"Yeah," I answered, lifting my head up and resting my hands on his shoulders as I stood up straight to look at his face. I could see the wear and tear of the last two nights on his face and realized that I must have looked just as tired.
One thing about my dad that I've always admired was his devotion to my schoolwork. We walked back to the kitchen table and sat down side by side to go over my homework together. While I worked on it, he fixed me a small snack and got me a glass of milk. When I finished, he watched me organize everything and put it all in my backpack, then he motioned me to follow him back to the family room.
"Have a seat, kiddo," he said, patting the spot next to him on the couch.
Looking back, I think I knew what he wanted to talk about. I let myself believe it was possible that he had something else on his mind, though, because the idea of talking to my dad about the absurdity of the night before was unsettling. In fact, it unnerved me when I thought long and hard enough about it.
"How was your day dad?" I asked in a vain attempt to take us in a different direction from where I had an idea we were heading.
"It was long," he said with a sigh. "I've had a lot on my mind, pal. We need to have a talk."
I straightened up in my spot and took a deep breath before I turned to face him. He had a serious look on his face, but he wrapped his left arm around me and scooted a little closer, using his hand to knead my shoulder.
"What's wrong?" I asked a little uneasily, already knowing the issue but not wanting to address it.
"There's nothing wrong, son," he said. "But there are some things we need to talk about."
"Like what?" I asked, feeling like I had a million butterflies whirling around in my stomach, making me feel almost dizzy and grateful that I was sitting down.
"Well, for starters, let's talk about what happened last night," he said, and my heart sank with the reality that we were about to have the talk I had been dreading since we left the hospital the night before. The butterflies were moving faster than ever as I turned my head to look up at him, but I took a deep breath and told myself that there was nothing I could do but deal with what I was facing.
"Okay," I said quietly, almost struggling to find my voice. I felt his hand grip my shoulder a little more firmly as his arm tightened around my shoulder, giving me the affirmation that he wasn't mad at me.
"Do you understand what masturbation is, Kevin?" I heard him ask, and I wanted to disappear. Still, I nodded slowly, looking straight ahead as he continued. "Can you tell me about it?"
I turned and looked up at him with an incredulous expression. I couldn't believe what he was asking me to do.
"Well?" he pressed.
"Yeah I can," I admitted in a small voice.
"Well go ahead," he said in an expectant tone.
"Do I have to?" I asked, and he chuckled.
"Kiddo, there's nothing to be embarrassed about" he said, sounding as if he were trying to reason with me. "It's perfectly normal for kids to masturbate."
"Daaad," I whined in a whisper, trying to admonish him for his reckless talk on a matter I wanted nothing to do with at the moment.
"Really, Kevin," he said. "You obviously know more about it than I thought. I'm just trying to figure out what you know and what you've been doing. Look, if it makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about what you've been doing, okay?"
I breathed a large sigh of relief at that. There would have been nothing worse, in my mind at least, than having to talk about sex with my dad. His next words, though, caught me off guard.
"I guess it's time to set some ground rules," he said in a serious tone. "Son, I know you're learning about yourself, and what you like and don't like. The thing is, it's okay to explore as long as you do it alone."
"What do you mean?" I asked, honestly a little perplexed by his statement.
"I mean you're too young to date," he said, shifting a little in his seat and clearing his throat. "You're eleven, son. You're not allowed to have a boyfriend."
"How come?" I asked a little more defensively than I intended to.
"Does that present a problem for you?" he asked suspiciously, and I realized just how defensive I must have sounded.
"No," I lied, looking at the floor because I was discovering just how hard it was for me to lie to my dad. "I mean, I just thought that maybe I could have a boyfriend at school."
"Absolutely not, Kevin," he said in a tone of finality. "Son, I don't want you to think for minute that it's because you're gay. It's because you're eleven. When you're older, we'll see."
"I'll be twelve in April," I reminded him.
"Well it's October right now, son," he said. "And by the way, you'll still be too young in April. You're not ready for the kind of heartaches a relationship can cause, buddy."
"I'm ready for it," I said in my most convincing tone, causing him to let out a long, reflective sigh.
"Son, I'm not trying to be hard on you," he said, looking concerned. "I just want what's best for you. You're thinking about things that I never gave a second thought to when I was eleven, kiddo."
"I can't help it," I said bitterly.
"You've been through a lot, buddy," my dad said with a sad look on his face. "I just think that being in any kind of a relationship would be too confusing for you."
"Because of Billy?" I asked, and my dad nodded with a sad smile on his face.
"Kevin, even if that hadn't happened," he said. "You'd still be too young for any kind of a relationship. I hope you understand, but I get the feeling you don't."
Instead of answering, I let my shoulders drop in defeat and leaned back into his arm, closing my eyes in the process and wondering what I'd do if he ever found out the truth. That night my dad called me into his room before bedtime and asked me how I'd feel about a trip to the day spa with my Aunt Christina and Richard. I thought it was a little odd that he'd have even considered something like that for me, but in the same breath, I also thought it was incredibly open minded of him.
Probably the most shocking part about it was the fact that my dad never confiscated my dildo. I opened my bottom drawer, which was where I had stored it when we got home from Sutter-Delta, and there it was. I didn't dare touch it for a couple of nights, but eventually, curiosity and a sudden, urgent need to be naughty got the better of me and I took it back out.
"So I take it you aren't going to be using things that hurt anymore," Richard said with a small smile as he sat up and faced me. I realized that my massage was over, too, so I followed his lead, sitting straight up and contemplating my answer.
"Well, it doesn't hurt me anymore." I said shyly as I waited for him to hop off the table so I could follow him out of the room. We donned our robes, walked out of the private room, and headed to a different room for a facial. I was sure my Aunt would be joining us, but she was at the other end of the room getting a pedicure, which was where we were heading after our facials.
I have to admit that I enjoyed the exfoliation more than the mud mask. I was a little uncomfortable, especially when I had an itch on my cheek, but I got used to it. While I was trying to relax, Richard was gossiping with a few of the ladies who were giving other people facials. I discovered that he knew at least one of them outside of the day spa, and that they had some mutual friends. I was even more shocked to learn that my Aunt Christina was one of those friends, but they talked about her and my Uncle Sam as if they saw them everyday.
Getting my nails done was quite the experience. I had to look away when they dipped my feet in hot wax, but I was instantly in heaven as they soaked up the warmth and gooeyness of the wax. I loved how it felt between my toes, and to top it off, the guy doing it for me massaged my legs with a pretty smelling lotion that I fell in love with. I was almost sorry to pull my feet out of the wax tub, but my feet felt good, so I didn't complain at all.
When it was time for my manicure, I was floating on a cloud. I winced a little when they pulled my cuticles back, but I felt so girly and alive that I just sat still and smiled. When they were finishing me up, I got my nails painted with a clear coat, and I found myself secretly wishing that it was red nail polish instead.
When I walked out of the day spa, it was with two bags full of lotions, powders and facial cleansers. My aunt said she'd meet Richard and I at the car, so we walked out together, and I had no reservations about swinging my back side as I walked to the car and prepared to face the world a new, made over gay boy. My libido stirred a little as thoughts of Justin and Mark ran through my mind, and I wondered how much sexier I'd look to them.
"Someone looks happy," Richard gushed as I stood in front of the back window of his car and caught a reflection of myself. "Do you feel better?"
"Much better," I said, trying to sound as feminine as he did but falling short by a mile. "Richard, do you think I look gay?"
"Do you want to look gay?" he asked, and I eagerly nodded as I placed my hands on my hips to strike a sideways pose. He smiled at me with approval and said, "You look very gay today, Kevin."
"Thanks," I said.
"The only thing you need now is a new outfit," he said. "That's nothing a trip to Macys won't fix, though."
I reached into my back pocket and pulled my wallet out, wondering how much money I had on me. I was sure I had spent every dime my dad gave my aunt at the day spa, but I knew I had some cash in my wallet.
"Hold on to your money, darling," Richard said. "I'm going to find you something cute to wear. And a new wallet."
I giggled a little at his comment on my wallet. It was definitely rugged looking, but that's because my dad passed it down to me. I wanted something with a chain, but I was glad to get the one he gave me. I tucked my wallet back into my pocket and struck a few more poses in the window. I was getting into it when I heard my Aunt Christine come up from behind with a hoot and holler.
"Woo!" she said with a smile, carrying a box in her right arm. "Look at my sexy nephew work it, baby!"
I smiled shyly as she waved me over to the trunk, where she had just set the box she was carrying down. When I saw what it was I looked up at her questioningly, but her smile was the only answer I needed.
"Use it at least once a week," she said. "If you need help, call and I'll come over. Okay sweetie?"
"Okay," I said, wrapping my arms around her mid section for a hug. "I love you."
"I love you too honey," she said. "You look fabulous."
"I feel fabulous," I said with a grin. "You look fabulous too, Auntie,"
With that, she held her lips out and leaned down. I puckered up and let her kiss me, then we were off to Macys.
Richard was definitely the right person to shop with. He picked out a cute pair of skin tight Guess Jeans and a hot quarter zip sweater to go along with it. He bought me a red Polo mesh shirt to wear under my sweater, then we went looking for shoes. We found some cute Timberlands to match my outfit and we were out the door.
When we walked through the front door my dad gawked at the site of everything we brought with us. It seemed like there were a dozen bags, but in reality, it was about six. I carried my wax kit and my Aunt Christina and Richard brought in my clothes and extras from the spa.
I excitedly took everything out of their bags and showed them off to my dad, who looked a little taken aback by all of my new merchandise. I laid it all out on the couch, then I gathered it all up and begged my Aunt and Richard to wait for me to try on my new clothes.
Before I came out of my room, I put my Paris Hilton CD, Stars Are Blind, and turned it up as loud as I could, then I strutted down the hallway and into the living room, where my audience was waiting. I took a few turns as I walked back and forth between the front door and the entrance to the dining room, then I stopped in the middle of the floor and struck a few poses before I ran my fingers loosely through my hair and shook my head, letting my hair flow from side to side.
"Oh, sweetheart you look so good," my Aunt Christina gushed, then she turned to my dad and asked, "Don't you think so?"
"You look great buddy," he said with a warm smile. "Did you have a good time?"
I smiled and nodded, then I started my walk again, taking the time to look at the back of my legs and my butt to see how they looked in my new jeans.
"You're going to break some hearts in that outfit, Kevin," Richard said. "Just be careful not to cause any accidents when you're walking down the street."
I giggled and let my walk take me back to my room, where I turned my CD player off and changed back into my clothes. I came back out and took a seat next to my dad, who seemed grateful that Richard and my aunt had shown me such a good time.
"When can we do it again?" I asked hopefully as they got up to leave.
"Anytime you want to, darling," Richard said, pressing his cheek against mine and turning his face away as he blew a kiss into the air.
"We go about once a month," my Aunt Christina said, wrapping her arms around me for a hug. "And you're definitely invited to go with us next time, sweety."
"Thank you for taking me," I said shyly as I stood up with my dad to walk them out.
"You're welcome, Kevin," Richard said. The two of us walked alone to his car while my aunt and my dad stood in the middle of the yard and talked.
"Do you think my new outfit made me look gay?" I asked him as he opened his door to get in.
"Definitely," he said in a girlish tone. "We'll get you a full wardrobe before we're done, darling. I promise."
My dad and my aunt walked arm in arm to the car and after another round of hugs, kisses and handshakes, they were gone. I followed my dad back inside and took a seat next to him on the couch, where I studied his face. He seemed to have something on his mind, but I couldn't quite read his expression so I decided to dig a little deeper.
"Are you okay, dad?" I asked, a little concerned about what he was thinking.
"Yeah I'm okay, buddy," he said nonchalantly. "I was just thinking about something."
"What?" I asked.
"Honestly?" he replied, and I nodded. "You. I was thinking about how fast you're growing up, Kevin. It seems like just yesterday I was teaching you how to ride a two wheeler. Now you've got so many important things on your mind. It's kind of hard to watch, son, because I want you to stay a little boy. You looked so grown up in your new outfit."
"I don't always have to be a grown up, dad," I said, eliciting a chuckle from him. "I can still be a little kid sometimes and be a grown up the rest of the time."
"Did you have fun today?" he asked, gently brushing my bangs to the side.
"Yeah, it felt good to get a massage and my face and nails done," I said, holding my hands out so he could see my fingernails. "They even painted my nails with some clear stuff."
"I know sometimes you need to be able to do stuff like that, kiddo," he said introspectively, leaning forward to kiss my fingers as I held them out for him to see.
"Will I get to go next time?" I asked, and he nodded with a smile.
"As long as you're enjoying yourself I don't mind paying for you to go," he said. "Did you have a good talk with Richard?"
"Yeah," I said shyly. "He's kinda how I want to be."
"Really?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah, dad," I confessed. "He's totally out and he makes being gay look fun. Sometimes I wish I could act gay like he does."
"You know what I think, buddy?" my dad said. "I think you should be comfortable enough to be who you are. You don't have to act any more or any less gay than you feel like acting, okay?"
"Really?" I asked, a little surprised. My dad had never given me the impression that it wasn't okay to act like a queen, but for some reason, I was too nervous to do it around him in excess.
"Really Kevin," he said with a confidant smile.
"Are we going to talk about what happened in counseling?" I asked him, and I knew he knew what I was talking about. Without a word, he nodded affirmatively. We sat together on the couch for a little bit and I let what he told me sink in. After a long moment of deep reflection, my dad stood up and smiled.
"You wanna go out to eat tonight?" he asked. "You can wear your new clothes out and show off your make over."
"Okay," I said eagerly, standing up to follow him wherever he was headed. "Where are we going to go?"
"Anywhere you want, buddy," he said, turning to walk toward the back of the house. "If you want, you can invite Justin to come too."
"Let's just go alone," I said, realizing that I wanted to spend some quality time with my dad.
"Are you sure pal?" he asked.
"I'm sure daddy," I said with a smile, reaching for his hand and leaning into him as we walked side by side out to the swimming pool. We changed into our swimming trunks, which had been hanging out to dry on one of our lawn chairs, then we hopped in. I immediately jumped on his back and tried to dunk him, but he got the better of me and lifted me over his head before he heaved me through the air into the deep end. I knew that all of my hair treatment and facial moisturizer was being washed away by the water in the pool, but I didn't mind. I spent the first part of my day being the flamboyant gay boy I wanted to be, and I knew for the first time that it was alright to be that way all the time.
I knew that when I was finished swimming, I'd go to my bathroom and take a long shower. Then I'd spend the next hour or so doing my hair, applying facial moisturizer and trying to look as good as I could. Then I'd go out in public and shake my butt when I walked, and maybe I'd even let myself go and talk with a little bit of a lisp, just to see how I liked it.
I also knew that my dad would be okay with it. He wouldn't be embarrassed and he wouldn't tell me to stop. People would most likely look at me and know I was gay, but my dad would be okay with that. He was proud of his son. His gay son. I was going out that night with my dad, and I was ready to show the world that I was an out and proud gay boy. I could hardly wait.
But for the moment, I was content to spend an hour in the swimming pool with my dad, being his little boy.
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