Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:10:11 -0700 (PDT) From: Blake sanders Subject: "Coming Out Within The Hurt" Chapter 4 BB AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A 100% FAKE, MADE UP, AND COMPLETELY UNTURE STORY. THERE IS NO SEX IN THIS STORY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ. IT DOSE HAVE GAY CONTENT WITH YOUNG BOYS. IF THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ILLEIGEL FOR YOU TO READ STOP NOW. THE NAME OF A WEB SITE MALESUVIVOR.ORG IS A REAL SITE THAT HELPS WITH HEALLING OF ABUSE FOR MEN, BOYS, FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS, HOWEVER THE EVENTS THAT HAPPEN ON THE SITE IN THIS STORY ARE FAKE. THE SITE IS LISTED HERE FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT NEED HELP DEALING WITH CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. THIS STORY MAY NOT BE COPIED FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT WRITEN PROMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR. I think the name of this chapter says it all. It weird how life works for us. Sometimes it goes up or down...but never seems to be going the way we think it is. We just don't see how everything is changing, like when we grow. Don't take off that seatbelt, and you might want to hold on tight! "Coming Out Within The Hurt" By: Kirk Gilbert © 2007 Chapter 4 "The First Battle" I shut the front door softly. I turned around, and was embraced by my mother. This was odd even for her. She was softly crying, and asking why do I always do this to her over and over. Man, Mrs. Walton was quick. I was hoping she would put off calling my mother at least a day or two. I didn't answer my mother. I just didn't know what to say too her. She walked me in to the living room where I saw Mrs. Walton, Officer Appleton, a police Officer, and friend Mrs. Walton had told me about in her office earlier that day, and his partner Officer Wilcox. Like I said, it's a small town, and everyone knows everyone. I shook both of the officer hands as I entered the room. We sat down, and Officer Appleton started by saying: "Well first let's get some of the more important things out of the way. Justin, Mrs. Walton contacted me today saying that you have some drugs here, and that you would like to give them too me. The deal is, if you hand over the drugs to me now then you don't go to jail, no questions asked. If you refuse then we'll search everything, and if we find any drugs then you will go to jail and we'll find out everything the hard way! Does that sound fair?" "Yeah, fair enough." I said softly with tears welling up that I tried to fight off the best that I could. I went up stares and could tell I was not alone by the sound of foot steps that followed me. Once in my room I headed for my chest I kept under the bed. I opened my chest and handed the whole chest to Officer Appleton who handed it to his partner. "Is that all of it?" He asked giving me a look like he knew there would be more. Man this cop was good. I headed to my closet where I pulled out three more joints I was saving for a rainy day. "Any more?" "No that's it." I was just barely able to get out. We went back down stares and joined the others. Mom and I sat on one of the chairs from the dinning room that was moved next to the TV by the broken back door. Mrs. Walton sat in the recliner next to the door to the kitchen, and the officers both sat on the couch next to the stairs. Mom began "Justin how long has this been going on?" "Over a year or so...I think...I really don't remember." "Well you're going to start seeing Mr. Miles. He helps teens with drug problems just as you have. But, I will say we can't get a real handle on the whole thing till we know why you started in the first place. So can you tell us why you started?" Mrs. Walton asked. "I donno. I just liked it is all." I lied. My voice was cracking making me get embarrassed. Even though, I was really too scared to care, but never the less I was embarrassed. "Did you start because you're other friends are doing it?" Officer Appleton asked. "No. My friends don't know, other than Cody, now." "Where did you get the drugs, Justin?" Officer Appleton asked. He had his note pad out writing after every question he asked. I don't know what all he was writing down but it made me nervous. "Just some guys." I said softly. "I don't know their names." "Maybe you can tell us what they look like?" Officer Wilcox asked following my answer. "I donno" "Come on, Justin!" He urged me again. "I don't remember!" "You can't remember or you don't want to remember?" Officer Wilcox said giving me an eye like I had just murdered someone. I said nothing. I didn't want to be here right now or ever. I knew what it would things would not be any better if I did tell them everything. Besides, How can I talk to people I don't trust! "Listen, you little drug addict, tell........" Officer Wilcox started, but was cut short. "Officer!" My mom snapped. Mrs. Walton cleared her throat before speaking. "Let's all just take a deep breath. Justin, I think the reason the officers would like to know who sold you the drugs is because they are more than likely selling drugs to other kids at school. Officer Appleton and Officer Wilcox are just doing their jobs, but I have a question that I would like to know. Did the guys that sold you the drugs threaten you if you told?" At that point my heart almost stopped. I knew better than to answer the question. We sat in complete silence for what seemed like forever. I was frozen, no speaking, no moving, I couldn't even cry at that point. I just sat there with a blank look on my face, and I wanted to die more than ever. I couldn't find the words to say. I don't trust this lady that much! I said nothing for what seemed like hours. "Well, I want you come to see me in the morning. Ok?" Mrs. Walton said. "Ok." I said softly. It was not much, but it is all I could get out at the time. I think deep down I knew why I had started, but I never told anyone about the hell I had been going through, and am still going through. I got scared when she wanted me to tell why I started. The pressure to tell my secrets has been building up with no release. I talked to the guys online, and they said I should tell a friend or write it in a letter, but I knew doing one or both would be hard. I didn't want to do this now, if not ever. In the end I knew I would have to tell something. So, I chose to tell about the thing that I felt the safest about telling in the form of a letter. Everyone, but me, stood in the room and headed toward the front door. My mom told me to go straight to my room, and not to come out till I was called down. I went to my room and into my closet where I cried myself to sleep. If I was called down for dinner, I never heard the call. That is to say she didn't forget about me again. I woke up a few times from nightmares that made me cry myself right back to sleep. I can't say I didn't think about offing myself, because I did. I wanted to die and never be found. I was hoping the world would forget about me. I had read a poem on line, written by a close friend of mine. So I would repeat the poem over and over. Lost_inside_myself was right in every aspect, and this poem means so much to me in so many ways. It plays in my head for weeks When I listen I feel empty When it's off I'm bleak It makes me happy It tears me apart I need the contradiction I need it Or I'll be gone It has to make me feel so bad Destroy my inner calm So that I can last for one more day I stay alive for one more song I woke up in the morning in a pure panic. I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I skipped my shower and jumped in to the first thing I grabbed to ware to school. I was out the door in a flash. I ran to the school remembering I had forgotten my backpack along the way. I just thought "fuck it" and kept on running. I looked at the clock as I entered "A" hall, and turned around to go to "C" hall. My school is not the best thought out school. I think it was a motel or something at one time. I had missed my first hour class, and well over half of my second hour class. I was almost in a fast walk, but still trying to be as quiet as I could as to not be seen or heard by anyone. I opened the door to class and was motioned to come too my teachers' desk to sign my detention slip, for being late. Mrs. Barn's added two more day's for not having my book and homework. Just when I thought my day couldn't suck much more. I just signed and thought "Who cares." The bell rang, and I headed to my locker that I found without a lock. I opened the door when I got a fist in my ribs. "Watch it fagget!" Johnny said, laughing to his buddies as he passed by. I stood up and reopened my locker. I had just picked up a note left in front of my books when my locker door slammed on my arm causing me to yelp in pain. "Going to cry big baby?" Billy Alexander just had to follow Johnny's every move to show just how tough he was as well. I didn't even look at my arm. I just didn't care. I took the note and began to read. It was from the office telling me that my locker had been searched for drug related issues. I dropped the note on the floor, grabbed my papers for computer typing, and left my locker door open. I went to my typing class as fast as I could. I just wanted to get this day over as fast as I could. It seemed like it was dragging out, taking forever, yet flashing in front of my eyes so fast I couldn't keep up all at the same time. "Justin I need to see you out in the hall. Come with me please." Mrs. Miller said. I followed her out into the hall, that was now empty as the bell rang for classes to begin. "I know you're having problems, but I will not tolerate any disruption in my class what so ever. I better not have any problems out of you in my class. Is that understood?" "Yes." I said softly. "Now get in there, and get busy. I don't want to hear a word out of you." "Ok." I have never been in trouble in Mrs. Miller's class. Because they know about the drugs I am now nothing but a problem. I guess I always have been, but have been to blind too see it. I have been labeled before they even knew what the problem is, and they aren't even asking. I would not have told them even if they did ask, but the point still remains the same. Instead of going to PE, I went to Mrs. Walton's office where she was expecting me. On the way to the office I was grabbed from behind, and pulled in to the boy's restroom. "I hear you ratted me out?" Alex Stone had me in a full head lock. "I didn't say anything." "Yeah, well the cops are up here, and if I go down, then your dead." Alex pulled a knife from his pocket with his free hand, and put it to my cheek. "Got it?" "Yeah, got it. I won't say anything." "You better say you got the dope from someone other than me or else..." he said rubbing the blade of the knife on my cheek, but not cutting me. With that he threw me to the floor kicking me in the gut on his way out of the room. I picked myself up still gasping for air. I dusted my self off as I stumbled to the sink. I cupped my hands filling them with water to wash my face. The water felt good. Almost ice cold I held my face in it. I dried my face with some paper towels, and picked up my things as I left the boy's bathroom. I headed to the office as I continued to get my breathing back to somewhat normal. I couldn't even cry at that point. I think I had cried all I could the night before. I had just given up at that point on crying. I went in to the office where I was directed to Mrs. Walton's office where I sat down. Without so much of a word from the both of us I laid the letter that I had placed in an envelope on her desk in front of her. "Oh what's this?" "Just read it." I said trying not to get sick right then and there. She took the letter out and began to read. Letter: "I think I know when I started taking drugs, and I do know why. It has taken me months to know why I started. I know I was around nine or ten when I started. I have only told a few people online about this. I didn't want anyone to find out about this till I was ready to tell, but the guys online said I need to tell, and doing it in a letter might be easier than saying the words. They are right, but writing this is not easy either. I'm trying to do the best I can here, and I think I'm doing an ok job, well at least I think so. On the other hand I would not be writing this letter if I was doing a good job. I guess I can't do it on my own. Well anyways what I am trying to say is well. My grandmother did things to me. But I deal with it my way, and it works for me. That is why I go to the web site at malesurvivor.org for boys and men that are survivors of child sexual abuse. Now you know. I am going to do what the guys said and try to trust that you will not betray me in telling anyone. I don't want people to know about this. My best friend doesn't even know. Don't let me down please. The guys at MS say that you will believe me, and that I should trust you. I will try to do the best that I can. Thanks, Justin Andrew Dolton" She put the note back in the envelope, and placed the envelope in a folder with my name on it, which had been sitting on her desk. I searched her face trying to read her, but she had no emotion. I wondered what she could be thinking, but had no clue as to what she was going to say or do. "Justin, first let me say that was a very brave thing to do. I am sorry that happened to you Justin. No one should ever have to go through something like that. I am glad you listened to your friends online; because they are right, you needed to tell me about the sexual abuse. Is your grandmother still abusing you?" She asked in a soft tone. Well that was not what I thought she was going to say or do. Deep down I thought she would yell at me, and beat the shit out of me, because everything was my fault anyways. I thought "It must be her job to be nice to me, and say those nice things." I thought it was best just to answer her question so she could do what she wanted with me, and leave me for dead. "No, my grandmother died two years ago." I said quietly. "Would you be willing to talk to another friend of mine about this? He deals with children, teens and young adults who have been abused. Mr. Burk is a therapist that has been trained to help with abuse survivors." I could see a tear forming in her eye as she was speaking. She continued. "I can understand that you don't trust me, but I would like you to be thinking how and when you would like to tell your mother. If you like I can be there with you when you tell her, but I do think she needs, and would want to know. If you like I can tell her for you. I can call Mr. Burk and see if he can come speak to you today, if you like. I will not tell anyone till you have had time to think about things, and what all you want to do. Is there anything you would like me to do? I will do what ever I can to help you, Justin." This thought scared me even more. I didn't even want to tell her one of my secrets. I know darn well I don't want to tell some guy I don't even know. Maybe she's going to have him beat me for her. I thought to myself. "I'll think about seeing this Mr. Burk guy. As far as telling my mom I really don't want to tell her. I just need time to think about things." "Ok, that's fair, but she is going to need to know, so I will give you some time to think about it. Thank you so much for telling me. If you like you can hangout here, and help with some filing I need to get done, or you can go to P.E., it's up to you." She offered. I thought for a few minutes about where I wanted to go. Really, I just wanted to die in some far off land where no one could ever find me, and I would never be anyone's problem ever again. For now, I just wanted to leave that office. "I think I'll just go back to P.E." "Ok here's a pass, and if you don't make it you can throw the pass away ok? If you need anything come see me ok?" "Ok, thanks." "See you tomorrow, Justin." "Bye." I took my time going to P.E. My mind was filled with questions that left me confused and scared. I knew I had no answers, or I was just too stupid to think of any. I needed someone I could talk to in person that knows what I'm going through, but I couldn't think of one person. Yes, there is shiver_boy, but I didn't know him in person. I was not even sure I could trust him in person. I didn't trust anyone including myself. I kept walking, and pasted the gym. I found my self at the football field instead. I sat on the bleachers knowing no one would be using the field today due to the weather. I thought of telling Cody, but thought he had too much he was going through. I thought of all sorts of people, but found reasons not to tell any of them. I thought about jumping from the top of the bleachers to my death, but thought I more than likely would not die. It would be just my luck. "Maybe I'm just too fucked up to do it right." I thought to myself. The pain of my life was getting to me, and I knew it. The bell rang and I headed to Mr. Black's history class. It was a boring class that I tried to sleep through, but I couldn't today. I had too much on my mind and trying to do anything was getting harder and harder to do. I ate a mint I had put in my pocket to take the edge off for when I got a craving to get high. I still have no clue what Mr. Black was preaching on today, but it was getting on my last nerve. At first I wanted to ask if I could go to the office. Then I wanted to go to the restroom. Then I wanted to go to the school nurse. Then I just wanted to sit there and die. In the end I just sat there with my head buried in my arms. I was crying, but kept it covered, and toned down so no one would know. The bell rang, and I gathered up my stuff. On the way out of the class room Mr. Black stopped me at the door on my way out. "Justin?" "Yes sir." "May I speak to you for a moment?" Mr. Black asked. "Sure, but I don't have a lot of time to get to my next class." "Are you doing ok? You don't look so good. I was told about your problem with drugs, and that I should keep an eye on you. Are you ok? Do you need to go see the nurse in the office?" "I'm fine." "If you ever need anything, or need to talk, I'm here for you. Are you sure you're ok?" "I'm fine. I got to go. I'll be late for class." Without giving him the chance to call me back, I headed down the hall to the restroom. I went in to a stall toward the back of the restroom, and locked the door behind me. I remember the bell ringing, but I don't remember what I was thinking about. After what seemed like an hour I managed to get my self under control, well for the most part. I unlocked the door and walked to one of the mirrors in front of a sink. I turned on the water and cupped my hands together filling them with cold water. I held my face in the water till I could no longer hold my breath, releasing the water back in the sink. I looked up and saw my blurry reflection starring back at me. I slowly turned and gathered up my stuff and headed for the door. I took my time going to Mr. Grant's class. I knew I would get detention for being late, but I didn't care. I didn't care if I got thrown out of school. My life was falling apart, and I felt there was nothing I could do about it. I pasted several people in the hall. One teacher called my name. I didn't even turn to look. I just kept going. I even pasted my class. I have no clue where I was going, but never the less, I was going. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone come towards me, and I felt a sharp pain go down my arm. "Justin? What are you doing out of class? ....oh my! What happened?" I just looked at the blurry figure in front of me. "God, lets get you to the nurse's office!" She said. Even when I looked at this lady, I couldn't tell who it was. I knew that it was Mrs. Walton by the sound of her voice. I knew what I did, and I didn't bother looking at the blood running down my left arm. I just didn't care. Mrs. Walton walked me to the nurse's office as fast as she could. She laid me down on the bed, and called for the nurse to come in ASAP. Soon after the nurse put some pads and peroxide on my open cut. I didn't even flinch. I know they were talking to me and asking me questions, but I had no response. Anything past that moment I don't remember. ____________________________________________________________________ I looked up to see a bright light shining down on me from above. I wondered if I was dead, but thought, there was no way I could be that lucky and feel like crap at the same time. I looked down at my arm that I found to be neatly bandaged. I tried to move my right hand to scratch my nose, but could not. I looked down at my right hand to find it strapped down with a leather wristband that was tied to the side of the bed. I also took note that my other hand and both of my feet were tied down as well. I could just make out an IV in my right hand. The rest of the room was a blur as I drifted back to sleep. I woke to voices hovering over me. One I knew as my mom's voice, and the other two I didn't recognize at all. "Nice to see you're awake Justin." A mans voice sounded. I looked towards the man that I soon realized as being a doctor. "I'm Dr. Latewood and this is Mrs. Cooper, with child protective services, and we have some questions for you, Justin. First we want to know why you cut yourself." He asked. "I donno." I barley said loud enough for anyone to hear. "Well I can tell this is not the first time due to all of the other cuts and scares you have on your body. Now, there must be a reason you do this to yourself." "Felt like it. Now go away. I'm not talking to you anymore." "Justin, that's not going to solve anything," Mrs. Cooper added. "Justin we just want to help you. We can't help you if you don't talk to us." The Doctor urged trying to get me to talk to them more, but it was useless. I could make out my mom crying at the foot of my bed, but didn't say anything to her. After a long time, of the doctor and Mrs. Cooper trying to get me to talk to them, without success, they left. They must not know what the words "give up" mean. "Mom?" I said softly. "Yes sweet heart." "I want to talk to Mrs. Walton." "Ok. I'll go get her. Why do you always do this to me?" She asked, walking out of the room. My mother left the room for what seemed like forever. I heard the door open, and then close again. "Mom?" I asked, trying to see if it was her or the doctor. "It's me, Mrs. Walton. You wanted to see me." "Remember what we talked about? In your office." "Yes, I do." "Can you tell my mom? I can't. I just can't." "Sure if you really want me to." "Please." "Ok" "Thanks." "Like I said I will do anything I can to help. Now get some sleep. See you in a while." "Night" "Goodnight" With that I was out cold. I woke to a different man's voice calling my name with the word "dude" being every other word. I opened my eyes to see a young man around thirty to thirty-five years old, just guessing. He had on a surfer T-shirt, blue jeans that where cut off to be shorts, and sandals that I could just make out from him having his foot resting on his knee with a clipboard on his leg. I thought I must be dreaming from this sight, but soon learned that it was not a dream and he was here on business. "Dude, I'm Mr. Burk, but you can call me Derrick. Let's start by getting to know each other, coz we're going to be spending some time together from now on, ok dude. I know you won't trust me from the get go, but that's cool too. If you have any questions for me feel free to ask, dude." `Man he says "dude" a lot' I thought to myself. 'He seems fake.' "Is that how you always dress?" "Yeah! Isn't it awesome dude?" he said with a big smile. "My name is Justin." "So I hear dude." "JUSTIN!" "Ok that's rad Justin, like totally narely. Mrs. Walton told me about ya, and said you're like totally awesome, and need some talk'en about the bummer time ya had in your life. Me, I like swing in and help super cool guys like yourself, dude." He said. "I guessed that DUUUDE!" "I like totally miss the ocean, dude. Used ta live in Florida myself, dude, in Key West. It's on the most southern tip of Florida. I mostly miss surfing, but I wanted to go to collage and get a degree. So here I am in the west, hundreds of miles away from the ocean. What do ya like to do for fun, dude?" "I can tell. Why don't you go back? I don't like noth'en, and my name is Justin." "C'mon Justin, give me a chance. Be'en a narely survivor myself I know about what ya feel'en, dude." "I don't want to talk to you." "That's cool Justin. I'll be back laterz." "Bye!" "Laterz, dude." With that he got his clip board in order and left the room. I readjusted my head and closed my eyes to hear the door open and close again. I thought to myself "great now who?" I turned to see who it was, but no one came out from behind the corner where the door was. "Who's there?" I said as loud as I could. The boy popped his head around the corner. "Oh, I didn't know anyone was in here. My mom works here, and I come in here to read my book every now and then. Sorry I'll go." "You can stay if you want." It was Kevin from school, the one I had seen in the counseling office. I could tell he was shy about coming in to my room, but he slowly moved half way between the door, and my bed, to a hospital chair that was already in the room where he sat. He had on a black shirt, blue jean shorts, and sneakers. I tried not to stair at his legs, but they got the best of me a few times. I don't think he saw me. At least I hope he didn't. "What you in for?" he asked "I'm stupid, that's what for." "If you say so, but you should know they don't put people in here for being stupid. They put them in here coz they need some help with things. You must be the kid I heard about at school. So is it true?" "Is what true?" "You got attacked with a knife, and beat up at school by some guy passing through town?" he asked honestly wanting to know. "What? Is that what they're saying at school?" I asked laughing at such a stupid thought. "Yeah! Well that's what the kids are saying. The teachers are just telling us not to worry about it, and to stop spreading rumors about the whole thing, but that only makes more rumors, you know." He stated. "One rumor I heard said that you died coz the guy cut your throat." "Well let them think what they want. I don't care. I know your name is Kevin, but what's you're whole name. I'm Justin Andrew Dolton." "Kevin Oliver Jenson, Nice to meet you." "Like wise." "So what happen?" "I cut my arm. I don't know why, I just did." "Oh, teach me to listen to rumors. I bet this won't help much, but I used to cut too. I couldn't feel pain, so I cut to feel pain. It took a while before I knew why I cut. I was left in a dumpster in Dallas when I was kid. The cops found my mom and dad at work a week later, coz they had reported me missing. Can I ask what happen to you to make you start?" "I don't want to talk about it." "That's cool. You don't have to, but it helps to talk about it." A few moments later I spoke breaking the silence. "Thanks for the napkins." "You remember that!" "Yeah, I do." "No problem, it's just Johnny is always messing with you." "It doesn't bother me." "Dose me. I'm just to chicken to stand up to him, but I think most guys are." "Can I ask ya something, Kevin?" "Sure." "Why where you in the office the other day?" "Oh, the school shrink wanted to talk to me. I get two "F's" and everyone goes nuts. Most times I make "B's" and "C's", but I messed up again." "I make "C's" myself, and she must ask a lot of guys if they are having problems, coz she asked me the same thing." "Do you like to read, Justin?" "Not unless it's the rules to a game, not that I'm any good." "I read to take my mind off things, but talking to you is working just as good. We should talk more often." "You're cool to talk to too." Why do I sound like a giggling school girl? I thought to myself. "Thanks." Not knowing what to say, I just started with the first thing that came to mind. "You like Root Beer?" "It's alright, but Dr. Pepper is better." "No! No! Root Beer rules." "As long as you don't get drunk, but you still have to call the doctor, coz it's the best." "What ever." We laughed, and then started to grow quiet again. "Well, I'm going to read now, coz you look tired. It was cool talk'en with ya. Maybe we can again some time." Kevin stated. "That's cool. Oh...hey, Kevin?" "Yeah?" "If you want you can sit with the gang and me at lunch. Yeah know...if you want." "Cool, I'll have to think about it." "That's cool." "Laterz Kevin" "Laterz." I watched him curl up in the chair, and began to read. I don't know really just how long I watched him read, but he didn't seem to mind. I pulled up the covers getting warm, and I watched at him shake just a little bit as I drifted off to a peaceful sleep for the first time. PEACE IS BEAUTIFUL, BLAKE Well, that's it for chapter 4. Justin has a lot to think about. He is just starting the healing of his past life. Will it be in time? I guess you will have to wait for chapter 5 to find out. Just keep the faith in him, because life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. What do you think about Kevin? Ok, so things are now at least somewhat peaceful. I had to give you a small break. I would like to thank all of you that have emailed me about Coming Out Within The Hurt. There are not words that can say just how it makes me feel. Thank you so much. There is more to come, and I am still editing and writing away. Thank you for reading Coming Out Within The Hurt.