Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2008 11:24:52 -0800 (PST) From: Blake sanders Subject: "Coming Out Within The Hurt" Chapter 7 BB AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A 100% FAKE, MADE UP, AND COMPLETELY UNTURE STORY. THERE IS NO SEX IN THIS STORY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ. IT DOSE HAVE GAY CONTENT WITH YOUNG BOYS. IF THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ILLEIGEL FOR YOU TO READ STOP NOW. THE NAME OF A WEB SITE MALESUVIVOR.ORG IS A REAL SITE THAT HELPS WITH HEALLING OF ABUSE FOR MEN, BOYS, FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS, HOWEVER THE EVENTS THAT HAPPEN ON THE SITE IN THIS STORY ARE FAKE. THE SITE IS LISTED HERE FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT NEED HELP DEALING WITH CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. I would like to say sorry for the delay in getting you all the next chapter of my story. I have had a lot going on in my life, a change in jobs, bf, a hospital stay, and a few other health problems that are all better according to the doctors. I am now working a lot more than I was in the past so it will take a while between chapters. Sorry, but putting food on the table and keeping a roof over my head comes first, then comes sex and then comes....me blushing brighter than a fire truck! ROFL...anyways here we go with the roughest chapter of part one of "Coming Out Within The Hurt" "Coming Out Within The Hurt" By: Kirk Gilbert © 2007 Chapter 7 "Slipped" Officer Appleton took me to the office. He called for an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I don't know why he didn't take me in his car other than asking if I had showered, changed my clothes, where were the clothes I was warring when I was at Andy's, and if they had been washed. I saw Officer Appleton talking to cops that didn't ware uniforms, but white shirts and ties. The only thing I could think at this point is how stupid I was for even coming to school or being born. I was carried into the ambulance, and was told to stay lying on my side for the ride to the hospital. Mrs. Walton sat next to me the whole time telling me it was all going to be ok. I didn't think it was, and I didn't want to go anywhere that anyone was around. I didn't want to be touched, and I didn't want to be known. We arrived at the hospital where a guy dressed in white was waiting with a wheel chair that they carried me to and put me in. I felt like I slipped up so bad this time I would be put in some place to be punished for everything I had done in my life. I was taken in to a room with a bed with lots of pale green sheets and towels in it. I was lifted up on to the bed and told to wait there until the doctor could come in. I looked around to see a table with a baby scale on it and canisters of all sorts of things. There where shelve with glass doors that had been locked with a little lock in the middle. In side of one of them I could see meds of all kinds, and in another I could see scalpels and things that looked weird. I tried to get up and walk, but fell to the floor. My head was spinning, and my mind was racing. It took several times of trying to get on my feet and not hit the floor again, but I managed after some time. I stumbled to where the cabinets where. I beat my head on the first one I came to hoping my head would break the glass. I tried to open the door to one of the cabinets with the meds in it, but it was locked in place. I went to the next and the next. Until I found one that was locked but I still pulled the door open. I took one of the knife looking things out and opened the package with tons of hassle. Once I had the knife out of its package, I went in to the two room shared bathroom. I ran cold water in the sink, and soaked my hands in it. I blanked my mind as much as I could, but the racket in my head would not stop as I fell to the floor dropping the knife. Minutes later I heard beating on the door that I had locked behind me, and soon beating on the other door that I had also locked. I didn't move and I didn't care what they were saying. I just didn't care. I just wanted to die in peace. I wanted the pain to stop. I dazed in and out as I heard someone coming into the restroom shutting off the water and someone else lifting me up. I remember bits and peaces of people running around calling my name and asking questions, like can I feel my fingers. I could not feel anything other than my mind screaming inside. The last thing I heard before drifting off was the sound of my mother asking me, "Why did you make up the story about my father." I also heard her say something about how everything I say is a lie. My heart sank and I was out cold. I woke to the sound of a voice I knew as being Kevin's. His voice was soft and gentle as I heard him telling a story that I had never heard before. I looked around to see him sitting in a chair by my bed. He had a book on his leg that was up under him in the chair and the other leg was bouncing up and down as it hung off the front of the chair. He stopped reading out loud after turning the page. "Don't stop." I softly spoke. "Justin!" he yelped getting up and coming to my bed side. "Thank god you're awake." "How long have I been out?" I asked "Almost four weeks. I thought you'd never wake up." "I was hoping I wouldn't." "Why?" "I hate myself." I said looking at Kevin who got this hurt look on his face. "Why do you hate your self? What is there to hate?" "Everything." I replied. I was numb, but mad at the same time that what I had done didn't work the way I had wanted it to. "I like everything about you. Why hate yourself?" "You don't know me that well, and if you did you'd hate me too." I said almost crying. "Well you don't know me enough, as well, to know that I have more to hate about myself then you do yourself. So therefore I know I like you more than I like me, and I love you." He fell quiet and backed a few steps before turning and running out of my room leaving his book behind. The only thing I could think is "See, he hates me to." I was woken up by a guy claming to be Mr. Miles the next morning. He was nice in his voice and kept a safe distance from me. I didn't seem to mind him being around me, and I felt ok as long as he kept lots of space between us. He asked if I liked computers, and if I did, if I wanted to get online for a while before we started our session. I told him I would love more than anything to get online, that there where some emails I needed to check and some people I needed to let know I was ok. He told me that was fine, but he would need to be there with me to make sure I was not getting in trouble or finding other ways of hurting myself. Being I had just tried to kill myself I said "Fine" as I was taken to an office with a computer. I checked my email, and trust me there was a lot of email to check. First I trashed all the junk mail, getting mad at all of the junk that was in my in box. Then I answered all of my emails one by one with Mr. Miles taking notes through the whole thing. Then I went to MaleSurvivor.org. I chatted with CB_W, the webmaster of the site, for about an hour. When I saw shiver_boy come into the main room, I told the webmaster I wanted to chat with shiver_boy and went into a person to person chat with shiver_boy. We said "Hi" and all and talked about stuff going on at the site for a long time. I told him I hadn't been around a computer for a while, that I was busy with stuff going on at home. ....... Downandout: whats up you seem different Shiver_boy: I messed up again Downandout: what happened Shiver_boy: I think I said something I should not have said to someone Shiver_boy: I think I ran off the only friend I had Downandout: if they are a true friend then they'll understand Shiver_boy: not about this. Its to major Shiver_boy: see im just better off on my own Downandout: you don't want to be friends with me anymore too Downandout:?????? Shiver_boy: I would love to be friends with you coz you understand me Shiver_boy: not only that but I trust you Downandout: do you trust your friend Shiver_boy: yeah Downandout: then talk to them maybe they understand too Shiver_boy: ill think about talking to them ..... shiver_boy: mom's calling I got to go downandout: ok talk to ya laterz shiver_boy: laterz "Justin, Mr. Miles, Officer Appleton and I would like to talk to you. We have some questions." The doctor stated as Officer Appleton and he entered the room and sat down. Officer Appleton began. "Justin, first we found a large some of money in your pocket when you where brought in. Can you tell us where it came from?" "I donno." "Justin? We are talking over five hundred dollars. It was in you're pocket, and I bet you do know where it came from. Where did it come from Justin?" he urged me more. "I donnooo." I said once again, but more angered than the time before. "Justin, we did some tests and we know you're your old baby sitter was not the only one having sex with you." the doctor stated as if it were going to make me talk. "Andy had some friends over." "Who?" Officer Appleton asked. "I donno who they were." "Can you tell us what they looked like?" Officer Appleton asked insistently. "No." "Justin, I'm going to ask you something very important." He continued. "Ok." "We talked to Andy Davis and he said you have been selling you're self for sex. Is this true?" "Justin is it true?" Mr. Miles asked after I didn't speak for a long time. Alls I could do is shake my head confirming that it was. "Did Andy force you to have sex with him, or did you sell your body to him for sex." "I donno." I said with tears whelping up in my eyes. "Justin we need to know." "He....He...He made...me.....do it....I'm sorry." I said starting to cry. "You didn't do anything wrong Justin." Mr. Miles said. "We know this is hard Justin. You're doing great." The doctor said. "Where all did you sale yourself at Justin?" Officer Appleton asked next. "Only in Andy's town." I said between gasps for air while crying like a big baby "In Hobbs?" Mr. Miles asked. "Yeah....I'm sorry..." I managed to get out through the blubbering. "It's ok Justin." Officer Appleton said. "Calm down, its going to be ok Justin." "Justin, it's been a long day for all of us. Why don't you go back to bed and get some rest." The doctor stated in a soft tone giving a look to the others as to say we need to talk in privet. "Justin, before you go. I want you to be thinking how much are you worth, and I don't mean money? Also be thinking about this, who are you, and I don't mean your name?" Mr. Miles asked as I left the room and headed back to my room with everyone right behind me. I was helped into bed, and was thinking about what Mr. Miles had asked me. It confused me at the same time because I could not say money or my name. I thought of what I thought he would want to hear, but I didn't know him well enough to do that. I didn't feel I was worth anything really. I had never thought about who I am other than knowing my name as who I am. Maybe next time I see Mr. Miles I should ask him who I am supposed to be. As for what I am worth, I would just have to think of something. I knew I couldn't tell him how I really felt, because I don't trust him at all. He was a smart one. I would just have to be smarter. "Officer?" I yelped before Officer Appleton left. "Yes." "Where's my mom?" "I don't think you need to worry about it right now." He said in a sad tone, but with a forced smile on his face. "Where is she?" I asked getting mad. "She's at home." He said as the smile faded a bit and his eyes growing very sad with a tear forming. "Can you tell her to come here?" "I'll do that." he said with a sad look on his face. "Now get some sleep kiddo." I turned over covering myself with my blanket. I was thinking she was mad at me for telling what my dad did to me. Or, maybe she was getting the house ready for me to come home. I could feel my eyes getting heavy as I drifted off to a restless sleep. I woke to the nurse shaking me just a bit scaring the piss right out of me! She told me that I was having another nightmare and to try to go back to sleep. She gave me something to help me sleep, saying it would keep me from having any more nightmares. I used that time to fall asleep to do some thinking about everything. I knew my mother would have been there by now if she cared about me, but she was not and I knew I was truly alone in the world. It was at that moment I knew nothing in my life would ever be the same again. My childhood had been stolen, and from that moment I was an adult for the rest of my life. I was in the hospital for another month due to me refusing to eat, sleep, or even walk very much. It took Cody coming to the hospital and yelling at me in a major rage to get my attention. I was put on suicide watch when I returned home. But, it was not my mother that was watching me. I was mostly Cody and to my surprise Kevin. I see Mr. Miles at least once a week. It took two and a half years to get to where I trusted him just a little bit. I see him twice a week on really bad weeks, and I still cut sometimes and am watched all the time. But, at the same time I keep hearing how I never let anyone into my life. It's funny how no one at school knew I had tried to kill myself that day. I would have thought it had spread all over school. I don't really want to die anymore, but I still kind of hate my life at the same time. I have been put one three medications one for depression, one for my high anxiety, and one to help with the nightmares that I still have but not as often. As it is for the mad pack Alex and Billy got in to a big fight and started hanging out with other friends. I still see them from time to time, and only Billy takes the time to mess with me. Alex was later arrested for the drugs and will be in jail until he turns 18. Johnny Winton moved at the end of the school year leaving Mike Hedrick and Jimmy Owen still in the mad pack. In a twist of fate Jeff got in a fight with Johnny before he left the school on his last day and Jeff managed to beat Johnny to a bloody pile of meat. The fight was good to let others know the mad pack is not always the biggest thing around. Like the others in the mad pack, the fight went straight to Jeff's head and he soon joined the mad pack. He kept his word about not telling about Cody and Ste, but other than that he was no longer part of the gang. As it is for my friends Cody and I are still friends, but he dose spend most to all of his time with Ste. I can't say I blame them too, but I do miss him from time to time. We still have our sleepovers, but they are at Cody's house 90% of the time due to my mother and her comments. Ste and I still are friends, but not as close as we once were. The only reason I think this is, is due to Cody. Ste later moved to Hobbs, were his father was transferred. Once he had his drivers license he was hardly ever home. I don't know what was happening at home, and he refused to talk about it to anyone including Cody! A few years after me being in the hospital Ivan and his mother were killed in a car crash involving a drunk driver. To top things off his father being a police officer was one of the first to be there. He didn't even know it was his family until they found the drivers id and his sons school id in the mangled car. Needless to say things didn't go well after that. Ivan's father later left the police force, and became a medical field coroner as weird as it may be for what happened. Will is still around although I don't hangout with him much. He's got a girlfriend and as odd as he is strange a boyfriend, that he is hoping his girlfriend doesn't find out about. How that happened was really weird. I gave him my word I would never tell how it happened or give anymore details about it. I am the only one he told that to, and I don't know what makes me different from anyone else. I will say that he is a strange one! As it is for Kevin, I still sit with him at lunch. We have become good friends at school, and sometimes we will see a movie or something on the weekends. I later found out from a nurse at the hospital that he was there everyday even if I was not awake. We did try chatting online, but found we don't have that much to talk about with each other. Kevin and I mostly forward e-mails back and forth to each other. I still talk to the guys online at malesurvivor.org; well I talk to shiver_boy anyways. I know out of everyone in my life shiver_boy is my best friend, even if we have never met in person. As it is for my mother, I hate the bitch. She still doesn't believe me about my abuse. Officer Appleton and Mrs. Walton tried over and over to talk to her, and too get her to understand. My dad was put in Jail for ten years to life and Andy Davis, my old baby sitter received thirty years to life in a federal pin. It turns out he had also abused one other boy that lived down the street from him. After a year in jail Andy got in a fight with a knife and was killed. As for the other people that abused me they are still out there somewhere. There is still a lot I am confused about. I do not have a girlfriend, and I don't want one. I don't know if I'm gay or not. I know I am worth one human being now, but I still don't know who I am. Its funny how I can look at a tree or a cloud, and how it sends my mind wondering far from reality. Sometimes my mind goes in a good direction, but most times it triggers me into a flashback of my abuse. I still have nightmares. Just not as many due to the meds. I still sleep in my closet because that is the place I feel safe enough to sleep. I am now sixteen and I hate it. It makes me feel that now it is almost legal for me to have sex, people can fuck me anytime they want and I can't stop them. I know that's not how it is, but that's how it feel's. So far in my life it feel's like my life has been playing in like a movie or something, but I also feel that changing too. Things are slowly getting better in my life. I looked back one day, and was like "Wow! I had a whole good day!" After a while I was like "Holy shit! I had a good week!" I have slowly been building on my good minutes as Mr. Miles puts it, and I can't wait for tomorrow! (Author's note: "I bet you thought that was the end of my story, but it's not! He! He! He! I had you going, Huh?" Thanks for reading "Coming Out Within The Hurt": Justin Andrew Dolton) I want to tell my readers thank you for hanging in there with me. Again I have had a few heath problems (infection next to my spine), so there has been a long delay. For that I am sorry. What I am not sorry for is for this part of the story being so hard, as far as the pain of Justin. Some of you have told me that no one would really ever go through all of that, or in such a short amount of time. Well, that is true for some, but not for others. I know because most of that happened to me. Yes, I am a survivor of child abuse, child sexual abuse, and rape. I have talked to and met many other survivors out there, and I will tell you know that most of what I have written happens to a lot of kids out there. Just to give you an idea of how many: 1 out of 6 boys will be abused before the age of 16. That is a lot! Most feel the way Justin does, and sadly the one out of six are only the ones that have told someone about the abuse. Sadly, at is known that at least half will never tell, and never get the help they need. This ups the suicide rate for teens, and even more so for gay teens. Just know, and let them know, suicide is never the answer. Reading a story with youth having sex is one thing, but real life is real, and can hurt children in many ways. Sure some are not bothered by it, but everyone is different. If you know of a child that is being abused please, I beg you, help them talk to the police, or a teacher, or you tell the police to help stop the abuse. Most of all let them know they are not alone, and it is not their fault. Be a friend to them, and help them to heal. There is more to this story coming. It may be a slow going thing, but I will tell you know things do get better. New relationships form, and grow into very beautiful things. From here on out things get better with life's curves thrown in along the way! I do hope you enjoy part two of "Coming Out Within The Hurt" PEACE IS BEAUTIFUL BLAKE THIS ENDS PART ONE. STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO!