Date: Sat, 21 Dec 2002 21:59:29 -0800 (PST) From: Joshua winters Subject: Daniel and Thomas 4 Thomas insists that he isn't gay, but I am not so sure he is right. The real problem I have is that there is no barometer, for which I can measure our relationship, sexually speaking that is. It's not as if we sit around with our friends at school and ask, "hey, do you guys reckon you're gay?" Asking that would be like painting a red bull's eye on our foreheads. At thirteen a guy's sexuality is definitely something he needs to work out for himself. Waking early, I decided to talk to Thomas about last night. "Thomas! Are you awake?" I whispered. But Thomas didn't stir he was still asleep. I stood next to his bed, staring down at him. Man Thomas looks so gorgeous when he's asleep I just couldn't resist the urge to touch him. So I stroked Thomas cheek lightly with the back of my hand, causing him to sigh. When he still didn't stir I became even braver and gently stroked his face. With my fingertips I traced the little creases around his throat, until my fingers rested lightly on the veins on the side of his neck, I could feel them pulsing in rhythm with his heartbeat. I knew I was taking a risk as I bent over and brushed my lips lightly against his throat, his skin was cool and tasted salty. Thomas sighed again, he was right on the edge of wakening, his eyelids fluttered, cautiously I moved my head away from him and waited. When he still didn't wake up, I once again planted little kisses on his skin, this time my tongue traveled down into the small V at the base of his neck. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Thomas shouted. I was so surprised that I jumped off Thomas bed and landed painfully on my butt on the floor. terrified of the consequences of what I had just done. "Thomas I, I'm sorry I didn't mean to.." I stuttered, turning as pale as a ghost. I looked at Thomas grinning at me. "You bastard" I yelled at him as I leapt up from the floor jumping on top of him. Thomas was laughing so hard that he was too slow to defend himself as I pinned him under the sheets with his own blankets, one knee on either side of his shoulders. I grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked it hard. "Owe, ouch, stop that you sissy, only girls pull hair" Thomas complained. "Oh sorry" so instead I twisted his nose painfully with my fingers, " is that better?" "You're so going to pay for thi... ouch, ouch" Thomas stopped mid sentence to cry out in pain. I sat back and let him calm down, before continuing my reign of terror on his defenseless carcass. "Did I hear you call me a sissy?" I asked, glaring at him maliciously. "uhmm, no I said silly not sissy" Thomas giggled as he pleaded his innocence, hoping that I would stop terrorizing him. "Daniel, I have a very important question for you." Said Thomas trying to avoid being attacked again. "What're you going to do when you have to let me up? You cant keep me pinned down here forever, maybe you should start begging for mercy now?" Thomas offered helpfully. I had to admit he did have a good point, the moment I let him loose I was going to pay. All of a sudden an escape plan jumped into my mind, I looked mischievously at Thomas then grabbed hold of his head with both my hands. I leant down and kissed him right on the lips as hard and as passionately as I could. Initially Thomas resisted, then slowly I felt his body relax underneath me as he started to get into the kiss. I pushed my tongue playfully into his mouth and tickled him. Thomas moaned and opened his mouth wider to receive my kiss. I leapt of Thomas, catching him totally by surprise. He sat up but was still too stunned to do anything. Suddenly Thomas made a lunge for me, but he got tangled up in his bedcovers and fell in a heap on the wooden floor at my feet. Giggling, I did a pirouette and as I spun around grabbed my backpack of the bed and ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I heard Thomas, who had untangled himself from the bedcovers, grumbling from the other side of the door. "You can't hide in the bathroom forever you know, when I get hold of you, you're dead meat squirt," Thomas threatened me, through the door. "Yeah well two minutes ago you said I wouldn't be able to get off you, without being killed, so there." I yelled back at Thomas, immaturely blowing him a raspberry sound, same as what babies make, causing Thomas to growl even louder and me to crack up laughing. Needless to say I had a long, long shower. I considered climbing out the window, but seeing how the bathroom was on the second floor I thought the better of it. In the end it was Sara who saved me, she came up to Thomas bedroom, at her mother's insistence, to rouse us for breakfast. As soon as I heard Sara I opened the bathroom door and slipped in behind her. Thomas eyed me like a predator would a prey, every time Sara turned I turned with her, meanwhile Thomas circled like a vulture. "What are you doing Daniel?" Sara was becoming annoyed, as she tried to push me out of the way. "Uhmm Thomas is going to kill me" I blurted out while holding onto her waist and spinning around behind her. Sara looked at Thomas, recognized that he was up to no good and put her arm around my shoulder protectively. "Come on Dan, lets go and get breakfast, you'll be safe with me" Sara said. As we walked out of Thomas bedroom I turned around and poked my tongue out at Thomas causing him to throw a pillow at us, but it was to late, we were already in the hall. By the time we had finished breakfast, cleaned up the dishes and done some other things, his mum has asked us to do, Thomas, whose short-term memory was bad at the best of times, had forgotten that he had an agenda to kill me. It wasn't until later that night that Thomas chose to once again open up the subject of his sexuality. We had just finished playing Star Wars Pod racer, on his computer when he turned around to face me. "Dan I want to show you something," Thomas said. "Should I close my eyes?" I asked playfully. "I'm not kidding around, seriously Dan I want to talk to you about this gay thing" Thomas said irritably. "Ok, sorry." Thomas opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out a book. "What's that?" I asked curiously. "Its called 'How to raise happy boys' its my mums, it's one of those positive parenting things, you know like an instruction manuals on how to raise teenagers," Thomas chuckled. I looked at the book but failed to see what it had to do with us, I was perplexed. "There's a section in here on homosexuality, I want to read it to you" Thomas said, as he flipped through the pages to find the section he was looking for. I looked worried, "OK, read it". Thomas proceeded to read the chapter to me, without getting into to much detail, basically the book suggested that pubescent boys go through distinct phases on the road to discovering their sexuality, one of these phases being homosexuality. The book said that it was perfectly normal for a straight boy to become curious and experiment with other boys sexually. In fact the book almost made it sound like a rite of passage, suggesting that boys at our age relate to each other better then they do girls and therefore its logical that two boys will experiment with each other. Eventually the boys sexuality start to take on a direction either homosexual or heterosexual. In the meantime a parent should not be concerned if they find their teenage son is involved in clearly homosexual activities with their friends. The book basically then went on to discuss the proper way in which a parent should handle this absolutely normal situation. Finally Thomas finished reading and looked over at me. "You see Dan, its like totally normal for us to fool around, I mean it doesn't mean we are gay it only means we are horny teenagers" Thomas laughed. Thomas may have been so sure about it, but I was far from convinced. The book dealt only with sexuality on a purely sexual basis, it did not deal with the emotional aspects. It did not give any clues as to what a person's sexuality may be, should they discover for example that they spend all their time thinking about boys rather then girls. Nor did it say anything about being in love with your best friend. At best I felt the book was a cop out for guys who used it as an excuse to not have to think about their sexuality. "Thomas, I'm not so sure the book is right, I mean what about feelings and stuff. What I mean is, well, well I love you. Sorry I can't help it, I know you don't like me saying stuff like that but its exactly how I feel, I don't think about girls when I masturbate I think about you" I said blushing bright red and suddenly feeling very awkward and shy. I thought Thomas was going to recriminate me for what I said, but instead he reached over and put his arm around my shoulders. "Dan, blind Freddie could see that you are in love with me and despite what the book says I know it doesn't apply to you, I mean you're just so gay Daniel. I have a sister remember and you're more like her then a guy, next thing you will be trying on dresses with her" Thomas retorted. I was about to get mad at him, but then I realized his teasing was good-natured and Thomas wasn't trying to be mean to me. "Look Dan all I am saying is that maybe you are gay, maybe you're not, I mean like who knows. I just reckon that you think about it too much. Me I really like girls, but I really like getting off to, I just accept the fact that we are two guys fooling around looking for ways to get off. Do you understand?" Thomas said looking me straight in the eyes. My eyes moistened a little. " Yeah I understand, according to the book we're on the road to discovering our sexuality, in you're case you're on the expressway going straight, and I am going up a one way street to gaydom. " I said. "Yeah, good parable dude" Thomas laughed as he squeezed my shoulder harder. "I was being sarcastic," I said indignantly. That following Monday, I had decided that if I spent any more time thinking about the whole gay straight issue, I would go crazy. I decided to adopt an entirely novel approach for a 13-year-old, when all else fails speak to dad. The subject of sexuality and ones parents is scary enough, I mean none of us like to even hear the words dad or mum and sex in the same sentence its just to scary to even contemplate, but the fact is, I am desperate. So Monday night found me sitting on the couch in our lounge room, waiting for my dad to get home. I was going over in my mind ways to bring up the subject. I could try the straight out approach. "Dad I am a poof! Are you ok with that? Ok maybe not, how about, Dad, I really think Mrs. Watson's twins are way hot, Jennie? No not jenny Dad, her brother Max. I guess not. I picked up my favorite photo of Thomas, it is a picture of him and me skiing last year. In the picture he has his arm around my shoulder and I am looking up into his face. For the longest time I sat there just staring at the picture. "Oh Thomas I love you so much" I said tearfully, "why does it have to be so damn hard, to be me." "it doesn't have to hard Daniel, " Dads voice startled me from behind. All the while I was expecting him to come in through the front door and meanwhile he had sneaked in through the kitchen door. "DAD! I. Its, its not what it seems dad I meant, that I love him as a friend" I stuttered. "I'm sure you do Dan. Love him as a friend that is, but I think there is more to it than that. Do you want to talk about it?" Dad said, sitting down next to me on the couch. "There's nothing to talk about dad. Really there isn't. " I said defensively. Dad looked at me, studying my face, I knew he could tell that I wasn't being truthful, but he decided to leave it up to me, "OK Dan, I'll take that as a no." He said, rubbing the top of my head as he got up. I could feel the opportunity to talk slipping away. "No dad, wait please, I. I want to ask you something" I stuttered. Dad looked down at me, then sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Daniel there is only you and me, if we cant talk to each other, then who can we talk to? Tell me what is on you're mind son." It was a hard subject to broach, but I guess my comment about loving Thomas kind of already broke the ice, so I lunged in headfirst. "I think I might be gay dad" I said, pausing to see what his reaction was. Dad looked speculative. "Dan, I think you are to young to place a label of that magnitude on you're head. If in time you are proven to be gay and I hope that doesn't happen, we will have to deal with it." The last comment bit hard, dad was saying that if I was gay we would have to deal with it like it meant I was mentally diseased or something, that I would have to be put on medication or even worse put into a an asylum, I got angry. "So you don't want a little faggot for a son, is that what you're saying? If I turn out to be gay then I will be a bad person, someone you will be ashamed to call your son! " I blurted out. Dad looked surprised by the bitterness in my voice. He started to say something, but instead changed his mind and got up from the couch and sat on the coffee table opposite me, where he could look me straight in the eye. "Daniel. I will love you for the rest of my life, no matter what you're sexuality. You misunderstand me. No sane parent would want their child to be Gay, we live in a world of homophobes, being gay will make you're life that much harder, we all want the best for our children. If and I do mean If you turn out to be gay then we will fight that emotional battle together. You have no choice in you're sexuality, you are what you are. I looked into my dad's eyes searching for any signs of insincerity, when I found none I softened my resolve to argue any further, and I let my temper abate. "Daniel I have know for some time that you idolize Thomas, for a while I thought it was because he has defended you against the bullies, but even when the two of you are not in school I can see that you love him more then just a friend." Dad explained. "Is it that obvious dad?" I asked. "Yes Dan, it is" It came as a shock to me that my feelings for Thomas are so transparent, Thomas words came back to me, and blind Freddie can see you love me. Thomas had said. " Dad I don't know what to do about it. I spoke with Thomas and he says its just a phase I am going through, and that I will get over it. But dad it isn't getting easier its getting harder, when I am around him I just feel so, well so, I don't know I can't explain how I feel but it's a good feeling. " I told him. "Does Thomas mind?" Dad asked. "He doesn't seem to dad, I mean I think he is a bit flattered about having someone that worships him, but he denies feeling the same way about me, he reckons we are just really good friends, having fun together. " "From his point of view that is probably correct, Daniel. Thomas may view you as someone he loves in an undefined way, not in a gay or heterosexual way, he may not see you're relationship like that, do you understand?" asked dad. What dad seemed to be trying to tell me was that, Thomas is my friend, despite the fact that I may or may not be gay. And that his friendship should not be considered as a green light for me to hit on him and to force him to declare his own sexuality. It really boiled down to having Thomas as a friend on his terms or not being with him at all. Life sucks I thought to myself. "Look Daniel, it doesn't matter that Thomas is a guy and not a girl, the same rule applies. You cannot push him one inch further than he wants to go. To do so would be wrong. Just as surely as you are you, Thomas is Thomas, you can't change him anymore then he can change you. My advice to you is simple. If you want to keep Thomas as a friend then don't push him, let him set his own pace. If being around Thomas is stressing you out to much then you need to back away, before you ruin your relationship with him." Dad said rhetorically. "Dad. Do you think that mum would be disappointed in me, if I am Gay?" I asked dad-changing topic suddenly. Dad lifted my chin up so I was looking him straight in the eye. "Daniel, when you were 7 years old you're mother and I discussed the possibility that you may have a slightly effeminate personality, we discussed what this meant in terms of you're future sexuality and what would it mean if you turned out to be gay. The words I said to you before are echoes of that conversation. Both you're mother and I, rest her soul, will love you until eternity, even beyond death son. Never ever believe otherwise." Dad said in a croaky voice. I became emotional and threw my arms around dad, until finally dad pushed me back, "Now onto more important matters Dan, what's for dinner?" I laughed at dad's priorities, his stomach followed by my emotions. "Nothing dad, I was too emotional to cook anything" I told him. "Now that truly is a friggin disaster," dad said frowning. That night laying in my bed, I played over and over in my mind all that dad and I had spoken about. The really cool thing in my mind was that dad would accept me regardless of what my sexuality. The other thing I couldn't get out of my mind was how naïve I was to think that mum and dad didn't know me if not better as least as well as I know myself. It blew me away to think that long before my sexuality even occurred to me, it had already been discussed by them. I thought long and hard about Thomas and what to do. In my mind there was only one real difference between us. Thomas, only has a physical point of view about our relationship, whilst I have a physical as well as an emotional viewpoint. So it seems logical to me for the short term, to only pursue the physical aspect. I figured that as Thomas had so crudely put it, he was a teenager looking to get off, may as well be me helping him to do it. Besides I could still have my feelings albeit they wouldn't be reciprocated. Next weekend, I decided, I would test Thomas resolve. Continued in Daniel tests Thomas resolve...