I turned six at the start of first grade in September, which brought many changes with it. During our first visit to the school's library a boy sitting next to me kicked me under the table. I kicked him back, like my parents told me to do. The librarian told us to knock it off, but the other kid kicked again. After I retaliated the librarian pulled me out of my seat and threw me head first into a bookcase. I was then made to stand for the rest of the hour with my arms straight out to the side. It came out that I wasn't the first student this guy had assaulted; two other students had been injured and the school covered it up. My parents found out what happened from a neighbor girl who was in the library, because I blacked out the incident. The following week I was kept in class where I began convulsing, meanwhile the librarian still taught at my school.

My parents took me to the hospital, and after an EEG and MRI they diagnosed me with epilepsy and found a cystic mass above my right temporal lobe. The week before I was scheduled for brain surgery I contracted strep throat. The combination of penicillin anticonvulsant triggered a severe allergic reaction that began with flu like symptoms, followed by full body hives, then fever blisters inside my mouth and throat. After two months of taking me to the hospital and being diagnosed as "fine" my parents took me downtown to Children's Hospital.

I was barely conscious as my dad carried me into the ER. The staff sprung into action, took my temperature and packed me with ice bags. Then my heart stopped. They stabilized me after 45 minutes, my only thought: "Someone turn off that stupid light." I was released on Christmas Day, and my dad and his coworkers at a local bar chipped in and bought me the new Game Boy, which my roommate stole while I was at a magic show. A week later my parents rushed me back to ER because I couldn't breathe. A month into the stay my skin began to peel and I eventual lost 85% of my epidermis and suffered damage to the trachea and lungs. A month later my throat swelled shut and I slipped into a coma and six months later regained conscious.. A few days after they removed me from the ventilator I celebrated my seventh birthday. Then my airway collapsed and they had to do an emergency tracheotomy. Three weeks later I woke up confused and alone. I called out to see if anyone was in the room and that's when I realized there was something wrong with my voice. I later found out my vocal chords had been severed while I had been on the ventilator. When my family came to visit I made them leave. I was released several months later once my parents finished learning how to take care of me.

I was homeschooled by a teacher provided by the state, but after a few months of her teaching--which amounted to her assigning pages in a workbook after grading last week's assignment--my parents enrolled me in a school for medically fragile kids. Since I was the new kid whenever we were assigned group work they didn't want me in their groups, so our teacher forced them to work with me. Rather than deal with them shooting me dirty looks and ignoring me I chose to work alone, a pattern which continued well into college.

Nothing overtly sexual happened until I was around ten, due to constantly being in the hospital and the misguided belief that I was punished for messing around with when I was younger. However throughout the years my parents would fast forward through the obligatory sex scene in whatever horror or action flick they rented, then it went to fast forwarding while tape was still play to finally letting watch them when I 10. One night I caught my parents having sex. They had a privacy chain on the door but it opened enough for me to see them rolling around under the sheets. I closed the door and went back to the room I shared with my brother and sister. Following this I found a porn tape (Big Bad Bertha) hidden in my dad's book case and watched it with my siblings. The next morning before our parents got up Marie sucked me and my brother off and a few days later Vincent came over and we took turns fucking her, however my penis couldn't fit in her since it was already 5in hard and 3in around. I settled for corn holing Vince and Peanut instead.

Thanks to all the steroids they gave me while in hospital to reduce swelling puberty had jumped started and I went from being a 40 pound, 3.5 foot shrimp to being almost five feet and 60 pounds by age 8. By the time I was 10.5 years old I was in size 8 Men's shoes and could already ejaculate and had pubic hair. My mother discovered this after I'd wet my underwear during same day surgery and had to help me change underwear. I was outside one day when she called Shelby from across the street and asked him how old he was when he got pubic hair, to which he replied, "I've always been kind of hairy." After hearing this I grinned big. Shelby was a chubby mixed kid who looked like your average white boy and he'd come over and do shit like toss my brother up in the tree or stuff him in a suit case. I got jealous when he did this stuff, because I thought: Hey, I'm older so why was he giving all this attention to my douche bag brother? So here was this 15 year old guy I looked up to, who he said I was just like him, fuck yeah!

For years after I got sick my parents continued to beat me while my siblings could break the rules and nothing would happen to them. So when we got into fights I'd take out my resentment on them. After one bad fight my mother threatened to put me up for adoption--I realized it was an empty threat as the years went by. Meanwhile my father got tired of me getting sick and stopped taking me to the doctor's and visiting me in hospital. Since there was only one car and Mom didn't have her license which meant expensive taxi rides and not seeing them until I got discharged. After years of this I formed a surrogate family with the doctors and nurses who initially took care of me. As for my family: they were just assholes with whom I shared DNA.

Furthermore, I also had to deal with the kids at school teasing me because of how I talked and because of my name. My mother had the brilliant idea of giving me the German spelling of an Irish name and that one little e has been such a pain in the ass over the years from it being butchering every way you can imagine to having surgeries and appointments cancelled due to misspellings. When I was 11 Erykah Badu released "Tyrone" and I was teased to the point of contemplating suicide. After awhile I learned to ignore to them and didn't let it get to me.

That was also the year I had my first real crush on a girl: her name was Catie and she was one of the few students that didn't treat me like shit. She had blonde hair, hazel eyes, was in a wheelchair, and was a grade behind me. Our classes had recess together and always got paired for field trips. At the end of 5^th grade elementary school offered a Summer school program where we'd go there for a few hours and do things like learn how to make ice cream, butter, etc and go on field trips at the end of the week. On a trip to the Detroit Zoo Catie sat with me on the way there and back. We talked for a bit then things got quiet then we turned, locked eyes and leaned in to kiss. Just as our lips met Catie's friend called her and we jumped a part, scared we had been caught. On the way home we were too frightened to try kissing again. The program ended and I went off to junior high. When I saw her next in 7^th grade I was still infatuated with her. The other kids realized this and teased me like crazy and threatened to her I liked her. She moved away the next and I never saw her again. We reconnected years later on facebook and when I told her about my crush on her she said it was sweet.

That same year I dealt with an unrequited crush from a kid on my bus. His name was Jack and he was a skinny white kid who used crutches to walk. He sat next to me and took every opportunity to lay on me. I'd shove him off me and he'd rest his head right back on my shoulder like nothing happened. The annoying thing was he did do this in school while we were for class to start or for our bus to arrive. I got so frustrated with him once in school that I shoved him and he fell over. I would have gotten in trouble had he told on me, but Jack picked himself up and gave me a hurt look. I don't remember ever seeing him again after that year.

Over the next few years Vincent, my brother and I would sneak into Dad's porn stash and watch them after school while one of us took turns watching out the window for our parents. During the summer before I turned 13 my parents moved a block from Vincent's house and that's when things kicked into high gear. As I was prone to do I found Dad's porn stash and made the dumb mistake of taking a copy of Hustler he had, twice, which earned me two ass beatings, but by that point all it did was piss me off. Earlier that Summer I'd caught This Boy's Life on TV and vowed the next time my parents hit me it'd be the last thing they'd ever do. I stepped up the workout routine I began at the start of Summer Vacation--due largely to my obsession with Dragonball Z--and by September I was in decent shape. One day after a difficult day at school Mom started in on me about cleaning my room and I went off on her and drew back my right fist. She dared me to hit her, however I didn't. I knew I wouldn't stop until she was dead.

It was around this time I started isolating myself in my room and stayed home while the family went on their weekly shopping trips--yet my parents often fought about money, go figure. Since I had the house to myself for hours I explored my parents' bedroom and within a few visits found all their sex toys and porn. That year I discovered cyber sex and online porn and masturbated 6 or 7 times a day. The first site I found was jackingworld.com and had fun trying out the different techniques and not long after found clubstroke.org, a site similar to nifty. One day my solitary fun was interrupted.

"Hey can you cum yet?" said Peanut.

"Yeah been shooting since I was ten," I said with a smile.

"Show me," he said and I proceeded to jerk off on the floor of his dirty bathroom and shot a massive load after five minutes.

My brother became best friends with a guy named Carter and when we first met he thought I was 15 and was shocked when he found out I had just turned 13. Carter was a few months older than me and was an exhibitionist; he'd pulled down his and do a back flip off the bed left over from when my uncles and grandmother lived with us for a few months that summer. One day we were alone in the basement when he did this and freaked out because he thought I saw his balls. From there he asked me how often I jacked off, did I have pubes, etc. the next day we were down in the basement again when he asked me to play truth or dare. It started off with small dares like, "I dare you to jack off 30 seconds;"I dare you to jack me off for 30 seconds." This was done with hands down the other's pants and after a bit of this Carter suggested we jerk off together under the blanket, so it wasn't too gay. I wanted to see how I compared to him so I yanked the blanket off us. Carter was livid and went home; in hindsight if I were hung like a hamster too I'd be pissed if a guy saw my dick. Then again I did violate his trust and back then getting caught doing anything with a guy was like committing suicide so you had to swear them secrecy, but I digress. I was surprised when Carter showed up the next day and we played a Mortal Kombat clone called Pit Fighter. After a few rounds he pulled his 3in hard cock out and from there the game was forgotten. We jerked off with our pants around our ankles and that day I learned I could cum multiple times in a row instead of doing it spread out over the several hours. We also graduated to blow jobs that day, and I loved sucking his black cock so much he told me I didn't have to do it all the time. The next time Carter came over he had his head shaved. While he blew me I rubbed the hell out of his smooth head and fired off a huge load which he spit out. Afterwards he dared me to let him fuck me, which amounted to him pumping his shrimp dick in and out of my hole for 30 seconds then it was my turn. By this point I was 7.5 by 5in so it was a no go as I knew nothing about lube or opening a guy up back then. Though this didn't stop us from attempting anal several times that year, always at Carter's insistence--in retrospect he was way more into getting fucked than being sucked or fucking me. Since we hung out so much our mothers made us join a Boy Scout troop at the local church, which I hated and only went along since afterwards Carter and I would fool around while Peanut hung out with his other friends. A few months later our moms had a falling and he was banned from the house and our fun ended.

By this point it was summer again and my hormones had kicked in full force. It all started when I found a tape called Bi bye Love. The straight sex scenes turned me on, but then there was a threesome where one guy with a 70s porno stash blow this other guy while the chick watched and laughed. This led to an anal scene with the two guys which repulsed me at first so I turned it off. However I watched this scene a few days later still repulsed, but also turned on this time. I went with my family to River Rouge Park a bit later and freaked out when I started to get hard after checking out a hung black guy in the locker room on the way to the pool. Shortly thereafter Clubstroke became a pay site and I found nifty via yahoo. I began masturbation to fantasies of guys more often than girls, the first of which involved the boys from Home Improvement and Chris and Gordy from Stand by Me. I was already dealing with a shit load of other issues and now I might be gay? "Fuck that shit, do not want," were my exact thoughts so I ignored it.

The summer before I turned 14 also marked a major turning point on my journey to adulthood. I Started going out to play with the other kids and had a few sleepovers at Vincent's, but most importantly I forced my parents to stop babying me and become self-sufficient in regards to taking my medication and, cleaning and changing the breathing tube. My mother resisted me at first but I didn't care so she had to accept it. I also put my foot down about getting my hair cut, so when Dad started with his threats I tuned him out. Furthermore, I explored my racial identity; unlike my siblings I didn't assimilate the BET ethos that going to school was gay and being a criminal made you cool. I was always more prone to reading or watching specials on rare medical conditions or advancements in science. Nor was I a fan of Ebonics, which sounds like the ramblings of morons, but I digress. I got into skateboarding, badly but fun none the less, which prompted Peanut to start calling me white boy. I was annoyed at first but kept doing my own thing until I stumbled upon an alternative rock station from Canada. I was hooked from the first song and became a fan of such bands as Godsmack, Disturbed, Linkin Park, Marilyn Manson, and Korn to name a few. For the first time I heard people expressing the same rage I'd felt for years and didn't feel so alone. Consequently I had a tendency to identify with character who hybrids, mostly notable Gohan from Dragonball Z and the eponymous main character from Inuyasha. The following is a quote from the series that resonated with me and my struggles: " When you're different you're always the first one to be blamed and it's always your fault, always! I'm not one or the other. Not really human, not really a demon either. I'm just different that's all. There was no place for me so I had to make one for myself. Then I realized: I've always had place, it's just that I'm the only one in it."

Meanwhile my brother went through a string of guys until he became best friends with DB, the only white kid in the neighborhood. He was of Polish decent and had blond hair and green eyes if I recall correctly. I ignored him for the most part because he was a lowly middle school kid of 12 and I was going on 14 about to start high school, so why would I want to hang with him. However as the summer wore on he came over everyday even when Peanut wasn't there, so we struck up a conversation one day and it turned out we liked the same music, anime, movies, and TV shows. We were huge Dragonball Z fans and had this inside joke where he'd say I was going super saiyan whenever I'd push my hair out of my face. I fall for DB hard not long after this and would sneak glances at him when we were alone. God it was torture being near him and holding back from pouncing on top of him and kissing his pretty mouth. I almost made a move on him one night, glad I didn't though because I found out he's straight. Anyways, one night DB slept over with Peanut and it was like 1am when he came into my room.

"Your brother's asleep, but I'm not tired yet. Want to play together?" DB said and I nodded. He dragged a chair in and we played until 2:30AM when I had enough. I hadn't jerked off that day and the combination of him and my hormones was too much to handle. So I turned off the playstation and when DB asked why I gave him a jerk off motion with my right hand. He got the message and left. DB was a constant presence at our house until he and my brother had a falling out when I was about 17 and haven't since him since though we are facebook friends. The weird thing was while I had a massive crush on DB I also had the hots for his two older sisters. Gee I was one sex crazed kid.

High School started and my life went to hell: I was picked on for the tube plus they started calling me gay so most days I vacillated between homicidal and suicidal thoughts. I would play a few rounds of Doom or House of the Dead and if that didn't work I'd go "camp" in the bathroom, as Dad referred to it. I'd lock myself in the upstairs bathroom and blast my favorite CD, usually Linkin Park or Disturbed depending on whether I was more pissed or depressed, and often cried my eyes out. As the years passed I came to the conclusion that crying solved nothing, so I didn't get sad or happy just mad. I would deliberately stay in the bathroom as long as possible to punish my parents because I knew they never used the one in the basement, since Peanut never cleaned it and had spiders and what not crawling around in there. When I was on these "camping" trips I'd lose myself in a fantasy world where I was a super hero who never got sick, no one told him what to do, and of course someone who killed anyone for disrespecting him. I'm laughing as I remember this but back then it was one of the few things that kept from hurting myself or others. I out grew this behavior by the time I went away to college.

In 10^th grade my health had improved since I wasn't stuck in the house all the time and my immune system built up from constantly being exposed to germs, so I rarely went to hospital outside or scheduled surgeries. As such my mother had to find a new source of chaos and she began doing things like shop lifting from her job, buying my brother cigarettes, setting my sister up with guys older than I was. Meanwhile the summer before I turned 16 was quite pivotal. I caught Beautiful Thing late one night and it blew my mind: for the first time I saw gay guys, who weren't flaming queens or pedophile, just regular high school guy like me. I later discovered XY magazine and began cyber sexing with other guys my age and came to the conclusion I was bisexual.

Peanut in the meantime had raided Dad's porn stash and all his friends would sleep over and have circle jerks. To make it less gay they would do it under blankets. I took part in a few of these parties, as did DB once to my shock, however after I made a move on his friend Nate and it didn't go too well and I stopped joining in. I also had a small crush on Nate's sister who was the same age as Marie, but didn't realize it at time. Like younger boys I would hit and tease her and she responded by shoving me back all playful.

In 11^th grade I got asked out by a girl in my physics class. Her name was Tiffany and she was the tiniest thing ever, must have been only 5'3 tops. I had no clue how to act because at first I thought she was just joking but she made it clear she was serious. I said yes, but we never went out after I told her I didn't have my license yet. I guess she thought I was older and maybe wanted to hook up. Well nothing else happened until after high school.

That's it for part two, send questions or comments to phenix39@yahoo.com