After graduation I was burnt out and just wanted to take a long break to travel the world and find myself. But I didn't have a valid passport or even my driver's license yet so I spent the rest of that summer lounging around the house. Since I had a lot of time on my hands I spent it trying to figure out who I was. I explored Buddhism and other religions, but ultimately decided that they were all bull shit. I then explored computer hacking: downloaded various guides, frequented message boards and tried teaching myself Unix and java script, but found I had neither the talent nor patience for it. For a while I toyed with the idea of going Goth but found some of the makeup and clothes a bit too buffoonish for my tastes. I also reexamined the issues of my sexuality during this time and found that I was attracted more to guys than girls, so imagine my surprise when my dad walked into my room a few days later with a book bag full of straight porn. He'd discovered Peanut had stolen a few of his tapes and upon finding them added a bunch more and decided to give them to me. I just nodded when he told me this and put the bag in the corner by my computer, but inside I was thinking: What the fuck? Not long after this I started to frequent xy.com a now defunct website and magazine geared toward gay guys 13-24. I met a guy named Kyle and we became online boyfriends. He was from Canada and 15 at the time, we were together for a few weeks before his parents found out and we broke up. I was depressed for like two weeks afterwards, but in hindsight it was for the best; long distance relationships don't work and besides he was jail bait.

After the incident with Kyle I went wild. See when I was 10 my parents filed and won a medical malpractice suit against the hospital responsible for causing my allergic reaction, and when I turned 18 gained access to accounts totaling over $600,000. I started go on shopping sprees and would blow three, four grand on clothes or electronics. This caused a ton of resentment from my family who were living pay check to pay check. My brother and I became closer around this time; we'd hang out and smoke cigarettes and then weed and got into shoplifting together. I got off on the risk of getting caught and one day we were. We went with our parent to a Kmart then went off to steal some condoms and as we were exiting the store a security guard grabbed us. He took us into a back room and asked us to empty our pockets then lectured about how stealing was bad and agreed not to press charges if we read the Bible every week. After we got home Dad laid into me and said either I go to college or get out, meanwhile nothing happened to my brother. So I took a few bullshit classes at a community college in Dearborn and while there fell for a guy in my phys ed class. He was about my age and we meet in the locker room. I tried to ignore the attraction at first then mustered my courage up and left him a love note in his locker. The next time we had class I saw the note on the ground by his locker and put it in the trash. A month or so later I decided if I was forced to go to school might as well go to real one so I transferred to Oakland University and the next five years there. I lived in the dorms for the first year and a half and it was a bit of a shock for me. It was my first time away from home and could whatever I wanted, which fucking rocked. However since I went to school in the suburbs there weren't many nonwhite students there so as time went on I heard racist jokes and stuff which I ignored for the most part. My suitemate for the spring and summer terms was a total douche bag. He was there on an athletic scholarship for hockey and outside of us seeing the other coming or going from the suite we didn't interact and he constantly brought his girlfriend over and they'd fuck all hours of the. She was a moaner which made studying a bitch not to mention trying to fall asleep.

In the fall I moved to a smaller dorm which had a communal bathroom so it was hell on me trying to not get caught checking out the guys. To make matters worse I had a crush on our RA and was torture seeing him every morning his boxers--ha I was such a shy mess back then. Anyways that I tried to join a fraternity, failed miserably because I only made it to one rush event: they took us to a strip club in Lansing and paid for all of us to have a lap dance. When it was my turn I was hyped because they before came back and said how fucking hot his striper was and how he almost came in his pants. So I go into the booth and sit down and she comes in does her thing, and the whole time I was soft as hell and just wanted her off me because she was fucking heavy. After she finished I went back to guys and just bull shitted them about how awesome it was. As we were leaving it turned out one of the guys had ran up $200 in lap dances but didn't want to pay. So he's arguing with the bouncer and we're sitting the ready to go, finally he paid up and we headed back to campus and strolled back to my room at like 4am, tired but smilling.

I began going out after the night with the boys from SAE. I still didn't my license so I rented a limo from a friend of my mom's and went to this bar in Ann Arbor I read about on xy.com. My introduction to the gay community sucked. I spent most of the approaching guys and getting blown away and left feeling like shit. The next weekend I went out again but with Vince and peanut and had a blast with them at St. Andrew's Hall in Detroit. At one point Vince pulled game on this tight black chick and had her grinding on me and I about shot my wad. This became a regular thing for us and we got up to all kinds of shit. One week Peanut scored us some weed and we had a random dude buy a bottle of Hennessey and Alize. After smoking a blunt Vince suggested we get some more guys and hit the club, so I called up my mom's friend and booked the limo then the 7 of us hopped in and went out. I don't who suggested it but we wound up in Downtown Pontiac at Clutch Cargo's or Tiki Bob's, I don't remember. The limo had stopped at a light and the next thing I knew the doors opened and in came these blonde chicks. From there it was a feeding frenzy. The older of the two whipped off her top--score, no bra--and panties. I stepped up before any of the others could and rubbed her tits for awhile then fingered her for a good 30 seconds. Then she copped an attitude:

"Hold up no one is going to fuck my sister and I'm only gonna let the guys I like fuck."

I reached in my pocket for the condom and took out my cock ready to fuck her, at which point she said wouldn't let me fuck. Now if I had it to do over I would have told her to get her stuff and go, but I was still a pussy back then so I watched as the other guys screwed his brains out. Then when it was Vincent's turn he pulled her aside and told her she had to blow me if she wanted his dick. She proceeded to give me the worst 20 second blow job ever then stopped right as I was getting hard and left with blue balls. She screwed all the guys, except my brother who had been getting head from the younger girl, and then turned to me and nodded her head. As I was about to open the condom her phone rang: it was her dad. So they scrambled to get dress and out the limo before he showed and I was left holding my dick in my hand.

The next week I decided we'd go to Necto's in Ann Arbor. The guys complained about going to a gay club but I told them, "Hey don't come if you're not comfortable, I don't care."We got there and one of the guys had a fake ID so the bouncer wouldn't let him in. I turned to them and said; "You guys straighten this out, I'll be in the club." I was there for about twenty minutes when a Guy approached me. He was about 6'2 black and a student from U of M. We chatted for a bit then he asked me back to his room to listen to music. We got to his dorm and off the clothes came. He was kind chubby but damn could he give head. I went down on him a bit then he tried to fuck me, but it was a no go so I screwed him instead--tried to anyways. I was nervous wreck and went soft a minute or so after penetration. He was cool about it though and at first we tried without the condom for bit but that didn't so he finished me off with a half and half. On the way back to Necto's we made plans to see each other again, we exchanged a few emails but that was it. Back at the club the bouncer told me the guys had left. I freaked and texted my dad to come get me. An hour later the douche bags show like nothing had happened. I texted my dad back and told him they showed back up, by that point he was halfway to get me and was pissed. From then on I limited the number of guys I hung out with.

The next week Vince, Peanut, Nate and I went back to St. Andrew's and picked up a girl for each of us. I rented a hotel room completely with hot tub and the plan was to fuck. We brought them to the room and then they got shy on us. After talking with one girl for bit she was into me after she found I was 19 instead of 30 like she thought. Now I should have rented another room and isolated her there and would have fuck-closed for sure, but I had no game back then so the four of us left with blue balls. Then next week we went back to St.Andrew's, but we struck out. Vincent suggested we hit up a strip club he knew. We went there and picked up this striper and took her back to Vince's friend Vic, who was her pimp. So I paid $600 for us to fuck her twice each.

I got in there and again turned into a nervous wreck. It took me forever to get hard and then as she was blowing me with a condom I just wasn't into it. I faked like I'd had cum to get out of there and she called me on it, so I just bull shitted her and finally came after think about one of the guys from Malcolm in the Middle. When it was my turn again I told Vic I was cool and we left after Vince and Peanut were done. I knew then I was gay--or at least I thought so then.

Send questions and comments to phenix39@yahoo.com