Date: Fri, 02 Mar 2001 00:18:38 -0800 From: Brian C Subject: Everything, Chapter 1 "Everything" Chapter 1 Most everybody in their lifetime has been asked what they thought the meaning of life was. I have heard answers ranging from money and happiness, to helping others and even sex. None of those options seemed like a fit answer for me and I was reluctant to give an answer at all. In fact, my life seemed almost meaningless in the scheme of things. Everyday was the same. I would get-up, go to school, play sports, and go to sleep. The weekends were the same except school was excluded. Special memories and people were almost never included in my daily thoughts because my past was either extremely painful or inconsequential and I had no real special people to think about. To say that I had any thoughts in my head at all would be an overstatement; however, I did what I needed to do to get through the day. If I had to guess what my friends thought of me, I would say that they have no idea about any of this. You see, my life is a masquerade. Everything I do is not what I feel and everything I say is not what I think; probably due to the fact that I don't feel or think much of anything. I would be afraid to call myself a human these days. I have a giant void in my life that usually separates human from beast on this planet. I was nothing more than a monkey in a human's costume. "Gavin, do you have your homework?" Mrs. Vaughn asked me. "Ummm, no sorry Mrs. Vaughn." I said back looking down into my desk. "It's only the second day of school, you do want to pass this class don't you?" she asked. "I suppose," I said softly still staring down not really caring whether I passed Geometry this year or any other year for that matter. "Well then I suggest that you do your homework." With that Mrs. Vaughan left the front of my desk and continued to do her checks around the room while I began to doodle shapes on my notebook in some meaningless order. When she finished making her rounds it seemed like I was apparently the only one who hadn't done the assignment. I didn't care. I suppose I was only here because I had to be. Most of the time I supposed I was in life for the same reason. It's not that I wanted to die, but living certainly wasn't a motivating factor in most of the decisions I made. "Ok everyone, today we are going to learn basic shapes," Mrs. Vaughn said standing at the front of the room. A solemn groan suddenly infected the whole room and I decided to join along. "Come on now this won't be so bad," she replied to the moan. Then to the right of me I noticed that Lenny had raised his hand, to make a wise crack I assumed. "Yes, what is it Mr. Helmoltz," she responded to his hand being raised. "Yes, I was wondering if I may be excused," Lenny said. "Why?" "Well it seems I have been placed in the wrong class since I already learned this using Lincoln logs while I attended pre-school." Suddenly the room burst into laughter, which I proceeded to join even though the joke was rather lame. I nudged Lenny in the arm as he sat back down and I called him a smart-ass; he just smiled. Most people would have called Lenny and I best friends because if I ever did something with anyone, it was usually with him; although, I would rather call him an acquaintance since I considered myself to have no friends. When everyone in the room settled down, Mrs. Vaughn attempted to start the lesson again when there was yet another distraction. The door at the far end of the room slowly opened and someone peeked through the door. "Come in," Mrs. Vaughn said. With that the person peeking through the door came into the room. It was a boy maybe my age but maybe a year younger. He wore white pants with a navy blue shirt. He walked up to Mrs. Vaughn and handed her a piece of paper as I continued to look at him. As she examined the obvious schedule change, the boy glanced around the room and caught my watching eye. For some reason I quickly looked away and started writing stuff in my notebook. A few seconds later I looked back up and saw that he was back to looking at Mrs. Vaughn. "Why don't you take a seat right there Andrew," Mrs. Vaughn said pointing to the empty desk to the right and in front of me. He looked at the desk and fixed his eyes on it until he sat down. His name was Andrew; I had never known an Andrew. As soon as Andrew had sat down he quickly opened his backpack and got out a notebook and the Geometry book. He got out a single sheet of paper and began to take notes about something. Every stroke he made with his pencil was smooth and perfect. He just sat there, sure of every move he made. He had perfectly white shoes that were tied even more perfectly. He had sort of dark brown hair, which he spiked. I just sat there staring up and down his body examining every move he made. I had no idea why I was doing it but I couldn't help myself. Something in me pushed my eyes toward him, nobody has ever done that to me. "Would you like to come back to planet earth and take some notes Gavin?" said Mrs. Vaughn. I quickly turned beat red. I hadn't noticed that she had started her lecture, not that I would have taken notes anyways. Almost everyone in the class turned around to look at me including Andrew. When my eyes met his though, something happened, something that I had never experienced before in my entire life. His eyes sank right into mine, they traveled down all the way through my body, they turned over my stomach, they sped up my heart, they made my legs feel weak, and they made sweat start to flood from my pores. I think I was going to be sick. "May I be excused to go to the bathroom Mrs. Vaughn?" I asked. "Why? This better not be a wise crack," she said smirking. "I'm not feeling too well," I responded "Ok take the pass and don't be too long unless it's serious," she said as she started to get back into her lecture. I must have looked horrible right then. I felt pale and I had probably been sweating buckets. I thought I was even going to throw up. I slowly got up from my desk and made my way to where the bathroom pass was hanging by a nail on the wall. I looked back at Andrew one last time only to meet his eyes again. I became even more nauseated and decided to run out of class right away. I ran all of the way to the bathroom receiving weird looks from everybody outside. When I got there I put my head in the sink and splashed cold water all over my face and through my hair. I looked in the mirror to find that my eyes were glassy and I wasn't looking quite normal. Well I never really looked normal so I would say not normal for me. I was still feeling nausea so I decided to put my head over the toilet to see if I was going to throw up. Five minutes went by and nothing happened. I didn't really feel any better but I couldn't stay on my knees in front of the toilet all day even if I wanted to. "What is happening to me?" I said so loud that my voice echoed through the bathroom and I heard my own question again. What was happening to me? This boy is making me sick, that is what is happening. If I just don't look into those eyes than I will be fine, nothing to worry about. I decided it was time to get back so I got up off of my knees and went over to the sink to wash my hands before I headed back toward class. "Are you feeling alright, Gavin?" Mrs. Vaughn asked as I walked back into the classroom. Instead of saying anything I simply nodded my head and headed back toward my seat. I tried my hardest not to look at Andrew. The walk to my desk seemed to take forever and my eyes began to grow minds of their own. They kept drifting toward where he was sitting and I couldn't seem to do anything about it. So, instead of bearing the risk of looking at him again I decided to keep my head down. It was a lot harder than I thought. I wanted to look at him so badly. There was a huge yearning inside me. I needed to look it was necessary, but I didn't. The rest of class dragged on forever. The second hands on the clock seemed to be going backwards at one point when Mrs. Vaughn was going over the ever-formidable triangle. As the seconds went by it got harder and harder to concentrate, Andrew's name bounced around my head begging me for attention. Look at me, I'm right there, come on, look, look, look. I closed my eyes for a second and I saw him, and his eyes stared into me. They once again churned my stomach. I opened my eyes back up and began to shake my head and rub my eyes. I wished he would get out of my head, but he didn't. His name and his eyes only got stronger in my mind and they pierced even deeper through my entire body. "Gavin may I please see you after class," Mrs. Vaughn said to me just before the bell rang. Once again everybody in the room turned around to look at me. But, this time I didn't fight the feeling of looking at Andrew. I looked right into his eyes and felt almost completely weak. My stomach dropped all the way to my feet and my heart jumped into my throat. He had me locked; those eyes had me trapped. "GAVIN, did you hear me?" she asked again. "Oh, yes, sorry, yes I will" I stuttered and shook out of my trance. The remaining five minutes of class could have been described as the longest of my life. All I could do was sit, and wait. The first minute I just stared down into my desk and noticed all of the messages that had been left by other students; but I couldn't read them. I couldn't concentrate enough to read. My head, my eyes, my body, everything was still pulling toward him. It took all of my strength to keep my head down. Don't look, stop, don't do it, keep your head down. It was no use; the more I tried not to look the harder it got, and the longer I kept my head down the slower the time seemed to go bye. I gave up. I lifted my head out from in my arms like a turtle from a shell and just stared. Andrew was doing his homework. Every stroke he made with his pencil was still perfect and everything else he did seemed to be up to the same standards. Nothing could stop me now. I could have stared at him forever. I felt like a smoker getting his first puff of nicotine in a week. Ring. Ring. Ring. The bell signaling the end of my first class sounded off and everybody in the room filed out as quickly as lemmings off a cliff; everybody except for Andrew that is. For a second he just sat there, looking down at his paper but not really writing anything on it or reading it. I continued to stay in my seat and watch him even though I should've been getting up to talk to Mrs. Vaughn. Then Andrew turned half way around in his desk as if he were going to look at me. He just stayed there for a second but then turned back around, packed up his things, and left more quickly than anyone else even had. I stared at him the whole way out. "Gavin, would you come here please?" Mrs. Vaughn requested bringing me back to utter reality. I nodded and slowly got out of my desk. My head was still spinning in circles and my heart was still beating as fast as a racehorse. I sat down in the nice big leather chair that Mrs. Vaughn had set up in front of her desk for special guests; not that I was special. I stared at the backs of maybe two-dozen picture frames as she was filling some sort of form out that I assumed she was going to give to me. After about five minutes passed by Mrs. Vaughn seemed to be done filling out the form and started to talk to me. "Ok Gavin, I think you know why you're here. You weren't paying attention in class all day today and I think I know why." She knew why. How could she possibly know why? She must have seen me staring at Andrew all of class. Maybe she was going to help me; maybe he had the same effect on her as he had on me. Maybe I could get some actual answers. "You do?" I replied sort of curiously. "Yes, you don't have to hide it. I was in the same situation as you once. But, you know, you are really going to need to pass this class if you want to end up graduating Jr. High. So, I think that if I can find away, or you can find a way to motivate yourself we can get you moving along nicely. I've heard from other teachers that this is the way you are, but I believe that we can change that. You're not a stupid boy, Gavin" Suddenly I became uninterested in what Mrs. Vaughn was saying. If it wasn't about Andrew and what was going on inside my head I didn't really want to hear about it, and school was absolutely the last thing I wanted to talk about right now. As she continued to talk about my non-existent future in the class my eyes started to glaze over. I no longer saw Mrs. Vaughn sitting in front of me giving a lecture, but I saw Andrew, and his piercing brown eyes bury deep into mine. He was so, so, so; I couldn't think of a word to describe him. All I knew now was that when I looked into this image I saw of him I no longer became nausea and sick, but I had an incredible feeling of warmth flow all of the way through me. I felt completely relaxed all over and... "So, are you understanding what I'm saying Gavin?" Mrs. Vaughn said suddenly bringing me back to the conversation. "Yes ma'am," I said. I never said ma'am. Why did I say that? "Ok then I'll see you in class Friday. Have a nice day." "Thanks, you too," I replied. Thanks, you too? I never said that either. What's going on?