Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 07:39:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Dewey <dewey2k@yahoo.com>
Subject: For the Love of Pete Chapter 11

This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage boys, and
partially based on real people and events.  Names have been changed to
protect the guilty as well as the innocent.  All the usual rules apply.  If
you shouldn't be reading this now, then don't continue on.

Copyright Notice - Copyright  cApril 2000 by Dewey.

This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights.
You may distribute, copy, or print this story however you like, PROVIDED
this copyright notice remains intact, and you do not change the story in
any way.  Also you may not charge any fee to anyone to distribute or access
this story.

For the Love of Pete
Chapter Eleven

For the Love of Brian, part 3

My grandparents were dead.  I hardly knew them, but I loved them more than
I loved my mom.  But here I was sitting on Kevin and Sharon's bed,
wondering what their death meant for my situation.  No pain, no sense of
loss, no tears.  Had I turned into a cold, uncaring person just like my
mom?  I shrugged that off immediately.  I didn't have a mom anymore.  She
ceased to exist when she ripped me away from my soulmate.

"What does this mean for me?  How will I support myself?  Where will I
live? Will she get custody?  What am I going to do now?"  The questions
kept coming.  Kevin immediately changed into lawyer mode, answering my
questions as I fired them off.

"We don't know what it means for you yet.  Don't worry about supporting
yourself for now, we'll deal with that later.  For the time being, you'll
live here with us, if you think you can.  If not, we'll make other
arrangements.  We will fight to keep your mom away from you.  We all agree
that would be best for you.  How we do that hasn't been determined yet."
He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.  He looked at me with an
intensity I had never seen before.  "Somewhere in there, you have to be
hurting.  Your Grandparents are gone, Pete.  I'm so sorry.  Please, try to
tell Sharon what's going on inside of you.  This is important.  You have to
grieve."

Kevin's eyes were blazing, burning into my soul.  I felt naked under his
gaze, like nothing about me was hidden.  My eyes were glued to his, unable
to look away.  He finally leaned into me, wrapping his arms around me,
laying his head against my chest.  "Pete, it's okay to feel pain, to feel
anger, sadness, confusion, maybe even guilt.  You need to know, though,
that this isn't your fault.  It's not your fault that they died."  I
remembered the time just a few days ago that Kevin and I had spent in the
trailer together, him holding me while I cried.  Some of those powerful
emotions flooded back into my mind as he said those words. Tears formed in
my eyes, my breathing became ragged, and then I was crying softly.  No
howls, no screaming, just quiet sobs.  Sharon moved close behind me and
wrapped me in her arms as Kevin tightened his embrace.  The three of us sat
there while I cried myself out.

As I was recovering a short time later, I gave Kevin a wry grin.  "Are you
sure that you aren't the shrink, and Sharon the lawyer?"

Kevin stood and ruffled my hair.  "Nope, I'm the bloodsucker here.  I just
happen to have more experience with boys and this type of thing than she
does.  After all, I'm a boy myself."  He grinned at me, then sobered again.
"How are you feeling?"

Wiping the remaining tears away, I said, "Better now that the initial shock
is gone and I've cried a bit.  But I still want to get my questions
answered."  I could feel Sharon stir as I spoke.

"I've told you what I know.  Over the next year or so, things may get very
ugly, Pete.  I won't lie, and I'll shield you from as much as I can.  You
may have to testify against your mom if you decide you want to be separated
from her.  That is something to prepare for.  Other than that, we'll just
have to wait and see.  C'mon.  I'll introduce you to Mr.  Vanderkamp."

We crossed the hall in silence. Sharon, I noticed, started down the stairs,
probably to tell the others what had happened to my Grandparents.  I hoped
that none of them would treat me like glass.  I didn't want anything to
change because of this.

Just before we entered the office, I reached out and grabbed Kevin's arm.
"I'm not going back to her. Or her bastard boyfriend.  Never."

"Then we'll do our best to see that doesn't happen."  He turned back and
went into the office, and I followed closely behind.  Mr. Vanderkamp took
charge immediately upon our entry.

"Sit down, Pete, Kev.  Pete, I am truly sorry to hear of your loss.  My
prayers are wit you."

"Thank you Mr. Vanderkamp."

"Van, if you please.  I don't stand on formalities.  Kevin says that you
are a truly outstanding young man, and if he is impressed, I know that I
will be."  I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.  For whatever reason, Van
had decided to represent me in court.  Given his reputation, I knew there
was no way that I would be able to afford him for even one day.

"Mr. . . .Van, thank you for coming here, but I'm afraid that I have no way
to pay you for your help.  I have no money, no job..."

"Who said anything about a fee for helping you?  Kevin is family, and
because he likes you, you're close enough to family in my book.  In any
case, where family is concerned, I work Pro Bono.  So I don't want to hear
anything else about money, do you hear?"  He smiled as he said that.  Man,
did I luck out or what?  Falling into Kevin's family was a real stroke of
luck.  But I felt more gratitude toward them now, maybe even love for them.
I wish they had been my parents.

Van spent the next couple of hours asking me questions about my past, how I
came to be up here, why I hated my mom, stuff like that.  The old familiar
story tumbled out of my mouth, leaving nothing out.  Both he and Kevin took
notes, and Van recorded it on tape.  At one point, I asked if Kevin was
going to be on the case too, and Van had said no.  Kevin would work better
behind the scenes since he was directly involved.  I gathered that this
wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

We finished around midnight, which was a good thing.  I was exhausted and
could barely stay awake.  Van packed up his papers and stood to go.  I
stood with him.  I had to express my gratitude some way.  As he went to
move past me, I took his hand and shook it, trying to put my feelings into
it.  He smiled warmly and pulled me into a bear hug, nearly suffocating me.

"I know, son.  I know.  You don't owe me a thing, just remember that.
Kevin has been telling me about you, and I love you too, just from what I
heard from him.  I look forward to getting to know you, and making you part
of my extended family, just like Kevin, here."  He let me go, a tear
forming in his eye.  He smiled again and ruffled my hair.  "Time to go, and
time for you to go to bed.  I'll see you in the next couple of days."  He
walked out of the room, and I was left gazing at his back until he moved
out of sight.

Kevin walked Van out to his Mercedes.  I moved over to the window and
watched them.  They stood talking for about five minutes, their faces
serious in the streetlight.  Kevin dropped his gaze, looking like he was
disappointed in something.  Van reached out to put his hand on Kevin's
shoulder, peering at his face as he spoke.  Abruptly, Kevin gave Van a
good, hard hug.  They separated a few seconds later, but their faces glowed
with the love they felt for each other.  Van got into his car and drove off
slowly down the street.  Kevin watched him go, waving once.  After Van was
out of sight, Kevin stood there for a good two minutes, just staring at
nothing.

Finally, he turned toward the house, glancing up to the office window as he
approached the front door.  I know he saw me there as I would be hard to
miss with the lights in the background.  Moving back to the chair, I again
marveled that I had been accepted into this truly loving family.  Even with
all my hang-ups and problems, they took me in and made me an important part
of their life, just as they had with Ray.

I also pondered what my life would be like one year from now.  Would I be
on my own, working for minimum wage and barely surviving?  Would I be told
to live with Mom and then move out onto the street?  Would Kevin and Sharon
take me in?  All the possibilities whirled around in my head, most of them
alarming.  I only saw two or three possibilities that would allow me to be
happy.  One possibility that had me excited, but I didn't see it as
realistic, was for Lisa and Ben to let me come live with them and Brian.
In any case, if I had the power to choose, I would get back to Brian as
soon as I could.

Lost in thought, I sat there until Kevin came back.  He closed the office
door behind him.

"I'm sorry I spied on you, Kevin."

"Don't worry.  We weren't hiding, and every body knows how I feel about
Van, anyway.  He's the dad I never had.  Whatcha been thinking?"

"How lucky I am that I met Ray and the rest of the family.  If I hadn't,
I'd be on the street or dead right now."

"A bit melodramatic, isn't that?"

I thought for a moment, and then answered, "No, I don't think so.  Her
boyfriend hates gays, and he has hit me before.  Nothing real bad, but I
had bruises, and she just let him do it.  She is so into herself that she
would kick me out. Or have him do it."

"He hit you and gave you bruises?"  I nodded.  "I wish we had pictures of
those.  It would make it so much easier for the custody hearing.  And
before you suggest going back to get some more to photograph, I absolutely
forbid you to put yourself in danger. I mean that.  It's not worth your
life. Am I clear?"  I nodded once more.

"Pete, we tried to convey this to you, but I'm not sure you understood, so
I'll tell you again.  I want no misunderstandings.  You are part of our
family.  You can stay here as long as you want.  Sharon and I made that
decision a while ago.  We can afford to keep you, and what you give back to
us more than makes up for that.  If you can't stay, for whatever reason, we
will find you a good place were you'll be safe, and loved.  I know that
there is a lot of tension between you and Ray, so we will let you be the
judge."

"I don't know what to say.  You have already given me so much, and I don't
have anything to give back..."

"Bullshit."  I think Kevin was even startled that he said that.  "Pete, you
give so much love and joy back to us.  So don't go on about how you have
nothing to give.  And if I hear you put yourself down that way again, I'll
thrash you. Got it?"  He grinned at me, causing me to grin back.  I
couldn't stay down when he was around.

"Now, some serious business.  We'll file for temporary custody first thing
in the morning.  You may have to speak to the judge, but we hope the tape
will be sufficient.  The funeral is tomorrow. Do you want to go?"

"I'd like to."

"Then you'll go.  Do you want anyone to come with you?"

"Everybody, if you can. My family is dead or gone, and I'm feeling kind of
alone right now, and I want you guys close."  My voice fell to a whisper as
tears came back into my eyes.  "You are the only family I have left.  You
and Brian."  Even though I said those words, and I knew in my head that
they had taken me in, I still didn't believe with my heart.  I couldn't
hope for that, and then have that hope crushed when it didn't happen.

He sat next to me and put his hand on my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"After the funeral, there is a reading of their will.  They also left a
letter saying they want you there when it is read.  Do you want to go to
that as well?"

"Yeah.  What am I gonna do about my mom?"

"By the time of the funeral we'll have the temp custody order and a
restraining order in hand.  It will be effective after the will reading,
but for all of our protection, a police officer will be there also in case
things get ugly.  Van will be there also, if you prefer."

"That would be good."  A huge yawn took me by surprise.  Kevin chuckled as
my jaw popped.  "I guess I should get some sleep.  Do you need anything
else?"

"No, Pete.  If I do, it can wait till morning.  Do you need me to make up
the spare room?"

"Probably.  I don't know if Ray wants me in his room or not."

"He was still awake when I came in.  Why don't you go ask him."

"Why?  So he can get upset again?  I don't know."

"You want me to ask him?"

I sighed.  "If you think it's necessary."

"Wait here, then."  Kevin got up and left the room.

I sat there and fidgeted nervously.  Ray and I really hadn't come to an
understanding yet, just a ... a truce maybe.  I knew the feelings he had
for me, and I didn't want to cause him any more pain.  And I wasn't sure
how I felt being around him knowing those feelings existed.  I was
uncomfortable to say the least.

A few minutes later, Ray came into the office and shut the door behind him.
He ambled over to the desk, hopping up to take a seat.  After settling
himself, his eyes caught mine and then slid down to the floor.  The room
remained quiet for several minutes, neither of us knowing what to say,
until I finally broke the silence.

"Ray, I know how you feel about me, and I know what you want from me.  I
can't give you what you want.  I'm sorry."  I sniffed and ran my fingers
through my hair.  Continuing on, I said, "If you can't live with me being
here, then let me know.  Tell me. I don't want you to hurt any more.  Kevin
said he would help me find another place where I would be safe.  I'll leave
you alone, if that's what you want.  Just tell me, please?"  He shifted his
eyes from the floor to my face as I finished, then he did the last thing I
would have expected.  He smiled at me!

"Listen up, and listen good, Bro.  There is no way in hell you are moving
out.  I love you too much for that to happen.  I finally got it through my
thick skull that your heart belongs to Brian, and nothing will change that.
I don't WANT to change that.  If I can't have you as a lover, I'll have you
as a brother."  Ray giggled at the rhyme.

"Seriously, This is the best place you could possibly be for what's coming
up.  The whole damn family loves you like a brother or a son."  He pursed
his lips in thought.  "I may just start hating you, though," he said with a
smirk.  "You kicked me out of my position, you asshole!  I'm the one that's
supposed to be special!"  And with that, he launched himself at me,
knocking the chair over backward as he took me to the floor.  He pinned me
down with his knees on my shoulders.  I struggled to free myself from him,
but he just sat there laughing at me.  "Guess we'll have to be special
together."

Ray got off of me, offered a hand to help me up, and I took it.  He pulled
me into him, wrapping me in his arms.  We hugged each other, not as lovers,
but as friends and brothers that have come to an understanding.

There was a knock and we heard Kevin's voice through the door. "You guys
okay in there?"

"We're fine.  Give us a few more minutes."

"Okay.  Just don't break any of the furniture."  We heard Kevin's steps as
he retreated down the hall.

"Pete, if you want to sleep in my room, that's okay with me.  If you want
to sleep in your new room, that's okay too.  It's your choice.  If you need
to talk, or just don't want to be alone, you know where I live."  He
released me, opened the door and left, leaving me alone once more.

You have no idea how relieved I was after that conversation with Ray.  He
had taken away so much anxiety and fear that I can't begin to explain it.
I really hadn't wanted to leave the Petersons' at all.  I needed to be
there with them, where I felt safe, wanted, and loved.  I'd never had all
three of those at once before, and it was kind of unsettling.  I felt like
there was another shoe waiting to drop.

"How ya doing, kiddo?"  Kevin had come up to check on me again.

I sighed.  "Okay, I guess.  Everything is happening so fast that I can't
get a grip on it all.  Ray and I are fine, now."

"He told us.  Pete, I won't say things are going to be easy, and they won't
be easy.  Sharon and I want to be here for you as you go through the
custody battle.  We want you to stay here, with us.  You have become
another son to us in the short time we've known you.  I don't know what we
would do without you."  I heard the words, but they still didn't penetrate
the armor around my heart.

"Dad's right, Pete."  Jason had snuck up on us.  "I want you to stick
around.  I like having another little brother to pick on."  He gave me a
devilish grin as he said it.

"What happens after I am...um...ah... freed from mom?"

"There are several possibilities, but they require too much explanation for
me to go into it tonight.  Now, you two go to bed.  Tomorrow is going to be
a difficult day for us all."

Dutifully, we traipsed off to our respective bedrooms.  I closed the door
behind me and shucked my clothes.  After turning off the light, I snuggled
down in the covers, enjoying the warmth they provided.  The door opened
slightly, and I could see Sharon's silhouette.

"Pete?" Her voice was a whisper, afraid of waking me had I been asleep

"I'm awake."

As she opened the door and came in, the hall light illuminated my new
bedroom.  "I just came in to check on you."  Sitting on the bedside, she
ran her fingers down my face in a motherly fashion, stopping on my cheek.
"How do you feel?"

"All jumbled up.  Sad because my grandparents are gone.  I think I am still
in shock about that.  Happy because all of you have taken me into your home
and given me a real family, even if just for a little while.  Anxious
because I can't see where all of this is going.  And I'm scared.  I don't
want to go back to my mom and her boyfriend.  They'll kill me.  I just know
they will, and I'll run away if they try to make me go with them."

She stroked my cheek again, smiling slightly.  "Don't worry about the
future.  Take it a day at a time, and take what comes.  Trust Kevin and Van
to do their best for you.  Trust me to help you when you need it.  None of
us will abandon you."  She leaned down and kissed my forehead.  "Sleep
well, Pete.  You are safe here."  She stroked my cheek once more, then
stood and walked out, closing the door quietly behind her.

After she had gone, I lay awake, thinking of all that was coming.  The
first thing was the restraining and temporary custody order.  That would be
taken care of tomorrow... or this morning, by now.  Then would be the
funeral and the will reading.  I would have to face my mother at both.  I
wasn't sure if my aunt and uncle would be there or not.  After that, the
court battles would commence for my custody.  I wasn't even sure how they
would argue my case.  And after the custody fight, my battle to get back to
Brian would begin.

With thoughts of him in my head, I finally drifted off to sleep.  My dreams
that night were filled with conflicting images.  Mom and Dad were together
and beating up Brian for being gay, Brian and I sitting together being
happy, Brian rejecting me at the bleachers the day I came out to him, Brian
and I making love.

One dream brought me awake in a cold sweat.  I had had it before, after I
first moved to Portland.  I was trying to get out the glass door, but Dad
caught me and started wailing on me.  I screamed in my dream and awoke
sitting upright, heart racing and sweat pouring off my face.  I wasn't so
sure that I didn't really scream, but I didn't hear anyone stirring.
Frustrated, I dropped my head into my hands, fists forming in my hair.  I
hated the fact that those dreams had such a hold on me.

My door opened, and I could barely make out Ray's shape in the darkness.
Seeing me sitting up, he asked, "Are you ok, bro?  I thought I heard
something."

"I'm fine," I lied, a tremor in my voice betraying the truth.

Ray came in and shut the door softly. "Do you want to talk?"

I shook my head. "No.  It was just a bad dream. I can handle it."  Another
lie, but Ray sensed the truth somehow, and came to the bed.

"Scoot over. You need some company."

"Ray, I thought I told you..."

"You did, and that wasn't a proposition.  I know what it is to lose
someone, and I know the lonely, alone feeling you must have.  I'm just here
because you need someone right now."  He climbed over me, getting under the
sheets behind me.  Patting the space I had vacated, he said, "C'mon.  Let's
get some sleep."

I hesitated a moment longer and then laid down next to him.  Ray moved over
until he was spooning me, and then threw his arm over me.  I lay awake a
few more minutes until his breathing evened out, then I drifted off,
feeling safe, secure, and loved.

The next morning came too early.  I could have used a few more hours sleep,
but we had things to do that couldn't wait.  Ray was snoring softly, almost
a purr.  He still had his arm around me, resting on my stomach.  It felt
good to have him there, but I felt guilty, like I was cheating on Brian
somehow.  Nothing had happened between Ray and I, so there was nothing to
feel guilty about, but I felt it anyway.  I slipped out from under Ray's
arm, not disturbing his sleep.  The clock read 6:12.  Way too early.

Feeling dirty, I headed toward the bathroom, which was fortunately empty.
Closing the door behind me, I considered locking it, but didn't since this
bathroom had to serve for all four of us boys this morning.  I assumed that
Jared had stayed the night, anyway.

After sliding the shower curtain open, I turned the water on full hot.  It
warmed quickly, and after adjusting the temperature to a bearable level,
climbed in to let the hot water cascade over my tired body.  I couldn't
believe how good the water felt, soothing aches I didn't realized I had,
relaxing my shoulders and neck.  Quickly I bathed, then stood there
enjoying the warmth.  The water was so soothing that I drifted off into a
trance, just letting the water run.  Then I heard the bathroom door open
and close.

I couldn't tell who it was, and soon I heard someone relieving themselves
into the toilet.  Upon finishing, they flushed the toilet and sent me a
blast of scalding hot water.  I squawked and tried to get out of the spray,
but in my haste, I lost my footing.  Luckily, I caught myself somehow
before I fell, but in the process ripped the curtain halfway off the rod.

Jared looked at me in startled amazement, then asked, "Dude, you okay?"

Covering myself with what was left of the curtain, I said, "Yeah, I'm fine.
Nothing hurt but my pride."  I felt awkward speaking to him like this with
me naked, even if I was covered up.

"You sure?"  I nodded in response.  "Okay then, I'll let you finish up.
Nice bod, by the way."  He shut the door behind him as he left.

Jared had said that before, and hearing it again disconcerted me.  Every
time I though of someone else beside Brian, I felt an overwhelming sense of
guilt and shame, like just having the thought was enough to cheat on him.
Even after all this time, Brian still had a hold on my heart that wouldn't
go away, even if I had wanted it to.

Turning off the water and dropping what remained of the curtain, I stepped
out of the tub, grabbed a towel, and dried myself.  Wrapping the towel
around my body, I made the short dash to my bedroom.  Ray was still asleep,
though he had rolled over.

Searching my travel bag, I found a clean set of underwear and slipped them
on, then put on some Levi's and a t-shirt.  Ray stirred as I dressed, but
he didn't wake.  Quietly, I left the room, shoes and socks in hand.  There
was sound coming from the kitchen downstairs, so either Sharon or Kevin
were up.  I sat on the top step and put on my socks, then my shoes, not
bothering to tie them.  The day was already bright, the sun having just
risen.

In the kitchen, I found both Kevin and Sharon sitting at the breakfast
table, drinking their coffee and reading the Oregonian.  As I entered,
neither responded until I asked for some orange juice.  When I spoke,
Sharon jumped so high I though she was going to hit her head on the
ceiling, and Kevin spilled some of his hot coffee into his lap.

"What are you doing sneaking up on us?  You just about gave me a heart
attack and a nasty burn to boot."  Kevin appeared to be slightly upset at
my startling him.

"I'm sorry.  I just move quietly.  I startle people all the time.  I don't
mean to."  I felt depressed for some reason. My first morning in my new
home, and I'd already upset my parents. That they were my parents for all
intents and purposes was still a strange thought to me, also.  It felt like
a dream, not real.

Sharon must have heard something in my voice, because she was up and to me
in a few short steps.  Placing her hands on my cheeks, she force me to look
her in the eyes.

"Are you okay, Pete?  How are you feeling?"

I sighed and tried to free my head from her hold, and Sharon released me
quickly.  "I'm fine.  A bit depressed maybe.  I have a lot of changes to
get used to, and it's gonna take a while.  I'll be fine."

"Well, don't think I'm not watching you.  Want some breakfast?"

"Just some orange juice, please.  My stomach isn't up for food just yet.
Kinda nervous."

"I can understand that."  Kevin had sopped up what coffee hadn't been
absorbed by the sweatpants he was wearing, and was speaking to me from the
table.  "Are you sure you want to go to the funeral?"

"I have to.  I have to be there to thank them for all they did for me.  The
fact that my mom will most likely be there is just part of the deal."

"When do we go to court for the temporary orders?"

"WE don't.  Van is taking care of that this morning at eight.  The temp
orders will be given because there is doubt as to whether or not your mom
can or will care for her child.  That she gave parental rights to your
Grandparents works in our favor, because she effectively gave you up.
Until the custody fight is over, the orders should stay in effect."

"When is the funeral?"

Sharon handed me the glass of OJ she had poured for me, and motioned me to
the table as she spoke. "Eleven o'clock.  It's a graveside service.  Pete,
if you don't want to go, I'm sure. . ."

"I want to go. Period."  I was getting annoyed that they kept asking. "I've
made up my mind, so don't try to change it for me."

"Okay, son.  We'll go together."  Kevin had just called me son!  Not like
the generic "son" that people use like "boy" or "dude", but with meaning.
It caught me by surprised and left me stunned.  "Are you okay, Pete?"  I
couldn't answer because I was still lost in the meaning of what he had
said.  Kevin and Sharon waited patiently while I got my tongue working
again.

"You called me son!"

"Yeah, I did.  Do you not want me to?"

"No, it's fine.  I... just didn't expect it."

"Pete, you have to understand something.  When we told you that you are
part of this family, we meant exactly that.  For as long as we are
together, and beyond., you are our son. You will always have a place here."

I took in his words, then looked at the floor.  "But I can't call you mom
or dad.  It doesn't feel right."  My voice was quiet, disconsolate.

"That may come in time, or it won't.  Either way, do you really believe
we'll love you any less?  You might as well say we don't love you because
you are gay."  I winced at that.  "I'm sorry Pete.  Sometimes my emotions
get the better of me.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

"No, it's cool.  It just hurts still that neither of them could accept me
as me.  I'll get over it eventually.  I have to."  I sipped my OJ, lost in
thought.  I'd have to face my mom twice today, at the funeral, and again at
the reading.  I was sure she was going to do or say something to hurt me.
She'd probably bring Carl with her, too.  I didn't quite know what I was
going to do about that.

The rest of the morning went quickly.  Everybody woke up hungry and Sharon
fixed a huge breakfast for the crew.  I was even hungry by then, so I ate
my share.

During breakfast, everyone was walking on eggshells around me, and it
pissed me off.  I stood up in the middle of breakfast and slapped the table
for attention.  Seven pairs of eyes focused on me.

"Look.  I may have lost my grandparents, and I may seem depressed.  But I
will really get depressed if you guys treat me as some sort of invalid.
Just be normal. That is the best way you can help me.  I have to get used
to them being gone, so don't worry about hurting my feelings.  I know it
won't be on purpose, so I won't jump down your throat.  Just treat me like
you did on the trip, and I'll be fine."

The room was silent as I sat.  I broke the silence by asking Jason to pass
the pepper.  Everybody started talking at once, trying to resume normal
conversation, but I sensed that I had made things worse by speaking.
Nobody dared engage me in conversation, afraid of saying something wrong or
painful.  Sharon was giving me a thoughtful look from her place at the
counter, and Kevin was avoiding my gaze.  Shit.

I wolfed down what was left on my plate, abruptly got up, put my dishes in
the sink, and walked out the front door.

It was already warm out, short sleeve weather.  It was indeed a beautiful
day.  Walking down the street, I watched the birds flying from tree to tree
or hopping around on the ground looking for their morning meal.  The road
ended at a guard rail which prevented cars from driving over the edge of
the hill that dropped steeply below.  Mt. Hood glistened in the distance,
rising majestically out of the foothills.  For the next fifteen minutes or
so, I let my mind drift wherever it may, taking no specific notice of the
thoughts that passed through my head.

I heard someone coming up behind me, but I didn't acknowledge their
presence.  Jason cleared his throat and came up even with me, also looking
at the mountain.  We stood in a companionable silence for five minutes or
so, when Jason spoke.

"When Jeff killed himself, I had a really hard time understanding why he
did it.  I still don't really, but I know how I felt losing my brother like
that.  I wanted to be like him in every way.  He was my hero."  He turned
and sat on the guard rail, looking up at me.  I continued to stare at the
vista in front of me.

"Jeff isn't my hero anymore, though.  He is an inspiration, but not a hero.
He taught me that one has to live their own life as who they are, not who
they're expected to be.  He also taught me that to gain anything in life,
including love and acceptance, one must be willing to risk it all.  Without
that risk, life just is.  It passes by you instead of being lived.  Jeff
inspires me to be more than he was, to avoid his mistakes.

"I have a new hero.  Someone with strength, courage, ambition, drive,
someone that knows who they really are, and doesn't pretend to be
otherwise.  I really admire this person because, in spite of all the
tragedies in his life, he has continued on, not letting those tragedies
sidetrack him from his goals."  I looked at him.  Where was this leading?
It wasn't relevant to anything that had happened.

Jason continued on.  "But even though my hero has all of those qualities,
he isn't alone in his journey.  All heroes I can think of have someone in
the background to support them, heal them when they hurt, be a friend when
needed.  Sometimes the hero loses faith in himself.  The sidekick is always
there to raise his spirits back up and convince him that he can handle
whatever is thrown his way.  So everyone, even a hero, needs a friend to
help him, and be there in time of need."  I was watching him closely,
almost able to figure out where he was going, but the meaning of his words
still eluded me.

"My hero has many friends, any one of which would gladly put their life on
the line for him.  Those friends care so much that they don't want to hurt
him, even by accident, when he is down.  Do you want to know who he is,
this hero?"

"Sounds like a cool guy.  I'd like to meet him."

"You already have.  You've known him for quite a while actually."

"Really?  Who is he?"

"He's you, Pete.  You are my hero."  My jaw dropped.

"I'm no hero.  I just do what I have to."

"That is exactly what I mean.  You do what is necessary even though it may
hurt you."

"Yeah, right.  I take the cowards way out."

"Bullshit.  I can tell that you and Ray, or even you and Jared, could be a
couple, and you probably would have be happy with either of them as your
boyfriend.  But you held on to Brian, even though his absence causes you
heartache.  You stay loyal to him even though you ache for release.  That
is something most people in the world can't do.  You are honest, and follow
through on your commitments.  God, Pete, what there is not to admire?

"Even though all this shit has happened to you, you have kept pushing
forward.  Your dad, your mom, Brian, your grandparents, all of this stuff
you have had to endure hasn't taken your spirit away.  You have a strength
that I can't even begin to comprehend, much less hope for.  Do you realize
that kind of strength is so rare that most people crumble to dust under the
adversity you have faced?  Do you?"

"No, but I still say I just do what I have to.  Everybody does."

"Your wrong there.  If everybody did what they had to, you wouldn't be here
now, you'd be home in Brian's arms."  Tears welled up in my eyes at the
thought.  "If they did, we wouldn't hear about all of those deadbeat dads
or child abuse.  A parent sacrifices for the child, not the other way
around.  What your mom did to you would have destroyed me."  I remained
silent as I thought over his words.

"I still don't think I am unusual."

"Then don't.  Maybe that is another reason you mean so much to me.  To all
of us.  But the rest of the world will see you as you are, not as you think
you are."

I still couldn't believe that he thought I was a hero.  I certainly didn't
feel like one.  Far from it.  I didn't do anything to help anybody, I
didn't save a life or fight a fire.  I just lived my life.  What is so
heroic about that?

He must have read my mind.  "Heroes aren't always the people you see on TV
or read about in the paper.  They are in the right place at the right time
just once or twice in their lives.  The real heroes are those who live
their lives to the fullest, care about people, and love.  They are the men
and women that go to work every day, make their money, then go home to
their family.  They are the people who 'just do what they have to do'
regardless of the consequences.  You are a hero, at least in my eyes."

"I don't know what to say."

"That's okay.  You don't have to say anything.  But in that house up there,
you have people that love you, that want to make you a brother or a son.
Do you really think we would have taken you in if we didn't want you to be
a part of our life?  Pete, I don't know how to put it any simpler.  Let's
go back, okay?"  He stood and offered his hand.

I didn't take it immediately, but instead looked around and absorbed the
scene.  The mountain and the trees, the smell of the air, the songs of the
birds.  I wanted to remember this moment as long as I lived.

I took Jason's hand, and we shook gravely, and then he pulled me to him,
wrapping his arms around me as he did.

"Welcome home, brother."