Waiting, all the tortures of this world and waiting has to be my worst. I felt the trembling of my stomach, the tightening of my stomach, feeling it drop a thousand times over. Waiting for that moment when they walked in that door. I didn't really want to see them, but I was cracking to Steven's wishful thinking. I had felt the tears coming wanting out in front of this perfect stranger, but I couldn't allow it. If he found out...
As I waited I fiddled with my fingers, trying to release this pressure building within me. I could feel the rumbling of fear growing. What is he going to do to me? I could already see the pain on my Mother's face yet my emotions even to her were starting to harden. How could she stay with him? How could she let him do this to me, day after day?!
I was immediately snapped from my thoughts by the opening door and there my father stood. My Mom close behind him. He stared at me, it was so foreign, it almost looked as if he was sorry, his eyes somewhat cast down. Did he actually have feelings, remorse maybe? My Mom could wait no longer, she pushed past my Father and ran to me. I wanted to hate her so badly! I wanted to hate them both! But when her hug enveloped me, her warm soft hug. It just sliced through it all and I felt the tears flowing again.
She just held onto me and rocked me for a few minutes, crying and sobbing out her words of comfort, her fear. She grabbed my face and stared into my eyes, her makeup running causing more veins of black down her cheeks. Then her eyes glared at mine and her face got so stern. "You are never ever going to do this again! You hear me?! I thought, I was so afraid, I thought oh my God what I thought." She hugged me again even harder.
My Dad just stared, his eye's burning into mine. I could see what it was on his face now, it wasn't remorse, he wasn't even sorry, it was plain fear. For once in my life, I felt free. In his self-agonizing misery of wondering and waiting to see just what would happen. I had the control now and he knew it. It was my move and I decided I'd really test my waters. Steven stood in the corner watching. He seemed to be watching the drama playing out between my father and I.
"I'm sorry Mom, I just couldn't hide it anymore, not from myself and I didn't want to be. Mom... Dad... I'm," I looked down, this is the moment of no return... if I say it, he will forever know. The thought of making him sit through this was so... exhilarating. And so I took a plunge and felt all my fear wash away. I raised my head back up and looked right back in his eyes. "I'm gay." My Mom stared at me.
She smiled at me and then looked at my Dad. I looked back at him too and I could see it. That rage, almost uncontrollable. It should have frightened me but... it didn't it thrilled me. His jaw was clenched his eyes seemed to grow raging fires in them. I started laughing, I couldn't believe it. I had finally lost it... this must be insanity! Laughing at the tyrant, sucking up all his squirming and making it my power. Using his weakness finally against him. Power corrupts, and it felt sou good to be on this side for once!
Steven continued watching this drama, he was studying all of us but mainly my Dad and I. And he finally stepped forward. "I don't mean to pry... but maybe I can help you all discuss this more better."
It's when my Dad finally snapped. "I didn't give life to a fucking fagot, I always knew you weren't mine." He glared at Steven, "And just who the hell are you? Can't you see this is a private family moment. Your not needed and I'd like it better if you were to leave!"
"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to leave this room, Justin is under suicide watch. Do you not understand your son tried to kill himself? He actually tried and almost succeeded in taking his own life. I'm a counselor here at the hospital and right now it's my shift to watch him."
"I don't give a shit who you are, I'm his parent, if you can't trust his own parent's then what makes you think I could trust someone like you to watch over him? A stranger to him!" He shifted his attention to me, "Boy, you want him here?"
It wasn't a question and I knew it, it was a command. But my psychosis had yet to leave me. "Actually... I kinda like him, he's good company."
"You little cocksucker, how dare you?" He straightened, started walking away. Said something under his breath. He seemed to darken and he turned and looked at me, it was that look I had seen s many times. The one that begins the waiting, that utterly ravenous gnawing of it chewing at my soul, my resolve. Then he did something I didn't expect he started walking towards me. His fist tightened and it raised as he took huge strides across the room towards me. I watched waiting for it to hit me, one step closer and I'd feel it's kiss on me. Instead my Mom jumped in front of it and it connected to her shoulder. She screamed out in pain.
Steven ran to the door and yelled for help. My Dad tried throwing my Mom off of me. but she gave him resistance. Steven ran back in, along with a few others. Hands assaulted him grabbing and pulling him away he struggled and hit a couple of people he could. Until a needle was stuck in, he yelped out. They held him for a what seemed eternity until he finally slumped.
It got so complicated, cops came, the psychiatrist to examine me. Pictures of bruises were taken, x-rays, talking to a bunch of people I didn't know. Cops, shrinks, case workers.
A day after the incident I was still having to talk to the shrink. I didn't like him as much as Steven he was so dull and boring. Almost mechanical. I hate uh huh's they drive me nuts. I wanted to see Billie so badly, but I was afraid to. He hadn't come yet but I knew he would. It was only a matter of time, before I had to explain myself. My mind wondered to that while Dr. Patel talked.
I found a spot on his face a mole on his upper cheek. It was a somewhat gross one, it was bulgy and even had hair. It repulsed me when I had first seen him, and yet I was so drawn to look at it, and it was as if I felt myself being pulled in. The mole began working like my spot and I zoned in and it became the blackness that engulfed me.
I was pulled out of it by his voice, it caused me to jump. It seemed this problem of mine was getting worse. Coming and going now instead of it just being willed. He asked me tons of questions about what had just happened and some other questions. He finally had his grand conclusion.
I was happy to find I wasn't insane, but broken all the same. My moods, my sinking into darkness, was labeled bi-polar, with a possible chance of disassociation. A way to cope with my daily life, by disconnecting myself from my emotions and consciousness. I hated knowing I was labeled, officially broken. I knew I was but to have it confirmed was overwhelming to a degree.
I was escorted back to my room. I hated being watched constantly even while going to the bathroom. When I got back to my new room I sat on the chair. I was tired of beds. The day seemed to drag on so slowly, almost like I was in a dream. My mind kept wandering back. How many times could I have told someone? The hell I was going through and all it took to stop it was to just say it aloud. Thoughts of Billie plagued me as well. How can I face him? Is he going to hate me? Is it over?
Silence, I really hate it. In moments of silence your brain has control. It screams at you trying to break through the utter silence that surrounds it. Or at least mine does. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know about that, I wonder if it just makes you stranger, more broken?
After what seemed to be an eternity the silence was shattered by a voice of a God.
"Justin?" Billie said questioningly.
"I don't love you anymore Billie, I... I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry." Justin said to me and I felt my world shatter and felt my heart stop.
My throat constricted and my breath left me. I sputtered out all I could, "Your... your, how, wha-why?! Please Justin... what do you mean? How could you say that? It was only yesterday that you said. That you, you..." I felt a tear drop, his face didn't match his words yet he had said them. They fell from his lips so easily, so quickly. I ran with my tattered heart as the tears ran freely.
Why? It wouldn't stop revolving in my mind. What did I do? What did I say? Did he think I was too easy? Am I ugly? Do I repulse him? All these questions, bringing extra pains to my heart. Killing me a bit more. Why?
After the bell rang I emerged from the stall I had been hiding in, though if anyone came in they would have heard me. I washed my face in the sink then dried it off. I looked at myself, my eyes all red, a frown. I had to talk to him, he had to tell me why. All these questions, but the only person that can tell me is him.
I went home, when I got in my room, I looked at my bed and threw my bag at it. I could feel it bubbling up in me again. The panic of it all over again, clutching my throat, like a vice grip. Feeling my heart dropping and my lungs fluttering. I got dizzy and sat on the floor. The tears started all over again, this emptiness eating me whole. It felt as if my heart and my very soul were stolen taken with his words. I cried a while, and then my tears stopped. Anger took me. How could he do that to me?
I'll give him a piece of my mind! I decided I'd ride my bike over to his house. I had a feeling he'd have ditched as well. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had heard us, if they were listening they would know, and I didn't care. But he would and wouldn't want to face the questions. On the ride there, I had my ups and downs. I almost went back home three times. I was at his door, it was silent inside and it seemed like the lights were off.
Maybe he didn't come home... I knocked on the door. No answer. It aggravated me so I knocked some more. I waited a second or two. Still no answer. I usually wouldn't but... the door handle seemed to glow. As if it begged to be tested, and I did. The knob twisted, I gave a little push and the door opened. I called out for Justin. I didn't hear him but I heard water running. Maybe he was in the shower? I debated on waiting to see or just going in the bathroom to confront him. Then again what if it's his Mom or Dad? That would be hard to explain...
I decided to go to the door at least and listen maybe he hums or something? As I turned around the corner I saw a foot pointing at me. Then the full image laid out before me seemed to fill my full brain. It numbed it completely, I didn't know what to do I froze. Caught between a scream of horror and a cry for help.
There before me lay Justin, his eyes closed, his wrist was cut up along the underneath of his forearm. Blood still oozing from it, his skin was pale. But I saw his chest move. "Justin!" I yelled and his eye's fluttered.
"Justin?" Billie said questioningly.
His voice cut through the damned silence. My heart stopped and then gushed. The light was shinning through the window just right, illuminating him. He looked so heavenly I imagine he'd be a perfect Angel.
"Hi." I said, I felt so ashamed to even reply to him.
"Justin I know this probably isn't the right time, but please I have to know, why?"
"Because, I didn't want to hurt you. I know it sounds dumb but, I was ashamed. I feel like nothing. I feel empty, I hate myself, cause I feel weak. That's why I broke up with you and why I tried doing what I did. I didn't want to pull you into it, and I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't keep living in pain I just I wanted peace... I need it so badly, and your the only thing that brings it to me but it wasn't enough how could I ever give you as much as you give me? When I can't feel anything? You deserve so much more."
"You are an idiot. Do you know how much pain you put me through? Can you even imagine it? How I found you, laying in your own blood, still leaking from your veins. Calling 911, holding your wrist up in the air with a towel and pressure while crying my eyes out to the fucking operator who helped me keep you alive for the paramedics. I thought you were dead! I thought I had lost you forever. You didn't even leave a note! You were planning on leaving without even saying goodbye?"
Tears started falling from his eyes, I tried speaking, but he started back up again. "Your such a idiot but I love you. I don't want to hear you say sorry, because I'm not going to forgive you. What you put me through, there is no sorry for that. You say you give me nothing but you give me everything. Your love is all I want from you and you c.an't tell me you didn't feel love for me, I could see it on your face when you would say you loved me."
"Billie I... I love you and I know you don't want to hear it but I am, so unbelievably sorry. Your right I am an idiot I just, it hurt so much."
He grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes. Those perfect orbs staring so deeply into mine. "Do you ever know when to shut up?" He said then kissed me right on the lips. His Mom and Dad watching us. It was odd being watched. But the stage fright was only a second before my lips trembled and pushed back against his.
It was odd, sitting there with Billie's family. Just talking like nothing had happened. I'd see their eyes silently surveying the bandage, or my face. It was tense all the same, there was just that thickness in the air. Everyone was avoiding it, pretending it wasn't the reason why we were all here.
It was an hour or later that my Mom finally appeared. She looked broken, bags hung under her eyes, the blackened skin making the redness in her eyes more apparent. She looked almost defeated. It made no sense to me why? "Mom?"
Billie's Mom looked at my Mom. She walked to her and walked with her to where she had been sitting and let her sit there. She smiled at me but seemed to be lost in her thoughts. I decided to let her process it by herself. I'm sure it was hard for her, it would be for anyone I think.
I remained in the psych ward of the hospital for 3 days, where I was analyzed, given pills, and watched. It was weird, having all eyes on me, waiting to see if I was ticking time bomb. When the shrink finally declared I was no longer a danger to myself I was let go. The fourth day I started Physical therapy to see how bad the damage was to my hand. I had lost some feeling here and there, two of my fingertips just tingled constantly. I had also cut a tendon which had been put back together then connected to the skin. It was weird watching it pull the skin as my fingers moved.
I was given a stupid ball to take home which I was supposed to squeeze for 5 minutes every 6 hours. It frustrated me, seeing the difference in my hand strength now. My left hand able to squeeze the foam ball almost flat, while my right hand could barely squish it. Not to mention the pain.
The strangest thing, was being home without him there. I still crept from my room out of habit, waiting to be called. I still cleaned and did everything I was supposed to, then realizing I had nothing to fear. The house seemed so quiet and empty with him gone, the windows now open letting in sunlight. The light seemed to make it even more barren looking. The TV lay dormant no longer did old cowboy and Indian movies kiss it's screen. I could almost sickly say I missed him.
My Mom was doing better now that the shock had worn off, but new problems were still brewing for her. She also had charges pending, a court hearing. I think the only reason why she isn't in jail is because I told the shrink it wasn't her fault and that she had never hurt me. Even though I don't really blame her the court has yet to decide. She gives me a look now and then, I wonder if it's hate?
I know how could I think that? But I wonder. What if she sees me as a burden one that might put her behind bars. I didn't know they would blame her too, and it kills me to know that it's my fault. His words still ring in my head in silent moments like these. Mistake, fagot, look what you've done! His voice so clear in my mind, as if he stood in the very room I was in. It sends my hairs on end and sends chills down my spine. I find myself looking over my shoulder, peeking around the corners. Waiting for the sting of his fists, the cold lashings of his words.
Then I remember I'm free, yet I'm still haunted. And now I fear, she will end up looking at me like he did. In moments like these I wish Billie hadn't of found me. Anything but this consuming guilt, these questions, these fears. I decided to shatter this silence, I put in some music. I got lost in the beat, in the lyrics yet my mind was still nagging at me.
I'd start school again tomorrow. The bandage no longer needing to be worn, the cut was almost healed now. Dry skin made it lumpy in some spots, and the scar tissue was red. People would see it, and they'd know why I haven't been in school. Billie said our secret was out as well now, he said it wasn't so bad. But I wasn't sure about that, his face said something else to me. A pain was on his face when he had told me yesterday.
The day continued on much the same, stuck in my mind with these torturous questions and doubts. Even as I crept into bed they plagued me, I was thankful for the pain pills. They seemed to envelope me into a blanket of nothingness. My eye's battled to stay open but in the end sleep claimed me.
I awoke with a grumble, the alarm clock seemed to bounce around the inside of my skull. The light seemed extra bright today as well. Even the chirping of the birds stung my ear drums. I stumbled out of bed and went through the morning routine. It was while I was brushing my hair that I noticed my eyes. They were bloodshot and I had darkened bags under my eyes. I wanted to cringe and hide under my blankets for all of eternity.
I wasn't ready yet, the looks I can see them in my mind and it hurts already. I can hear the voices of the kids already, that dirty nasty word bounced in my brain. Fagot, how many would say it? How many would notice my wrist? I took a deep breath and walked out the door.
On the walk to my bus stop I saw the kids all standing around doing their regular shit, I didn't want to walk up though. How many had heard? Did they see the ambulance? How much do they really know? It was a constant whirlwind of worries. It started as short sharp breaths. I could feel the turmoil building up, twisting my insides turning them to knots. I felt my blood rush through me, my heart quickened, my throat started closing. Dizziness hit me, my vision blurred, and the panic gripped me so tightly I thought I'd pass out.
I took deep breaths and calmed myself down, just in time to see Jessica looking at me. She smiled at me and waved me over, and paranoia truly set in. I took what I thought would be earth shattering steps towards her. Wishing I had worn a long sleeved shirt, I contemplated getting one. But I knew even if I had, gym class would reveal all. It was pointless to try and hide it. I took in a deep breath when I was in talking distance, stilling myself to the possible verbal assault.
"Hi Justin!" Jessica said to me.
"Hi Jessica, what's up?"
"Not much, I was just wondering if everything was alright? I saw the ambulance, and I heard the rumor at school about Billie and you. Is it true? Are you really boyfriends?"
By this point everyone at the bus stop now stared waiting in anticipation for the inside scoop. I felt another attack on my system, eating at my nerves causing nausea, but it only took one thought of Billie to rest my soul. "It's none of your business really, but if you must know yes."
I heard one shout it's true, giggles broke out, the boys seemed to cringe away in disgust and fear. I looked straight into Jessica's eyes "Is that all?"
"Yes." She said giggling, "That's so cute!"
The bus finally rounded the corner and everyone just stared. I don't know if it was shock or what but they seemed to remain silent. On the bus I looked down the isle, I decided to take the seat behind the bus driver. Knowing all the others preferred being far away from him. I was happy that no one liked sitting here it gave me a break from all the stares. I could hear the giggling, the hushed whispers, it wasn't until someone yelled out Fagot that I was mad. I knew I'd regret admitting it, but living in fear is living in fear. Whether it be hiding in the closet or being out in the open. Out in the open could allow me, us to be free. Either way the bus ride seemed to take an eternity.
Once the bus finally arrived at school, I felt the fear again. The bus ride wasn't that bad, but how would it be now? Around so many other kids. I almost wanted to hide on the bus forever. So I stayed on it until all the kids were off of it. I took a deep breath and stood up. I looked out the window on the other side of the bus from me. Watching the kids disperse mixing and blending into their regular crowds. I imagine all of them telling all their friends about what they had heard from friends or from eye witnesses.
The bus driver gave me a strange look, I just gave him a smile and got off the bus. I walked to our meeting spot, Billie saw me right as I saw him it seemed. I could feel the warmth from his smile hit me from all the way across the courtyard. I beamed back at him, I didn't care who saw us. I ran over to him, all I wanted to do was hug my sexy baby. It surprised even Billie I think, when my arms wrapped around his frame and pulled his body right against mine.
"I love you Billie, now and forever." I kissed his cheek daring all to oppose it.
His face began to redden, as a silly grin took over his face. His eyes seemed foggy for a minute, and then I felt his arms tighten around me. He looked me straight in the eyes then kissed me full on the lips. "I love you too Justy."
I didn't even pay attention to the kids surrounding us, gawking as if they were watching someone being ripped to pieces. The shock that engulfed the sheep, seemed to loosen it's grip. Whispers broke out, then boos. Words filled the air, fagots, gross, oh my gods, girls squealing, then a rock.
It hit me in my back, stinging, I twisted around and scanned the crowd, rage filled me. "Who threw it?! I'll kick your ass now!"
They backed up, smelling the danger. No one would take credit, they just stared and laughed. I grabbed Billie's hand and started pushing a way through the mass of kids. then I heard him yelp out in pain. I looked back at him, he had tears singeing his eyes. "What happened?" I asked him.
I made it out of the crowd with him, then asked him again. "Someone hit me with a rock I think."
"Where?"
"My head, it hurts bad." He started rubbing the spot, then stopped. He pulled his hand back and looked at it. I saw it, blood stained his fingertips, and I saw red. I looked back at the dispersing kids. I saw Damon standing against the tree, his eye's watching us intently, and he threw a rock up in the air and caught. A blinding rage took hold of me. I snapped!
My body acted on it's own, my feet hit the ground hard, my legs making long strides, I closed the gap in 30 seconds flat. He started backing up when he saw me coming. His backing up showed me his fear and an inner beast seemed to feed upon it ravenously. I felt a growl bubbling up from my stomach, and it rumbled out through my clenched teeth. He started backing up quicker, but not quick enough.
My arm flew out and my fist connected to his nose, he stumbled back, disoriented. My left flew just as quickly into his jaw, he flew back to the ground. The second blow seemed to knock him out of his daze, but still not quick enough. Kids again surrounded us, all shouting, fight, fight, fight! It seemed to fuel my appetite, I got on top of him and started punching him over and over. His hands tried blocking but couldn't block all of them. I decided I had enough of his blocking and grabbed his hair. I started pounding his head into the ground, and it was then that I realized I was screaming at him. "Where's your Daddies money now huh? You think I'm the sissy!? You little bitch!" I felt myself being pulled off, but the adrenaline still flowed, and I wanted more. I spun around and swung and hit the gym teacher.
That sobered me up, his face turned bright red, and he grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me, Billie followed. The security guard helped a bloodied face Damon from the ground. On the way to the principals office I looked at my hands, the knuckles hurt and my wrist throbbed and burned in pain. Blood covered the knuckles of my hands and I now realized the little bitch had got me in my nose I felt the blood dripping out of it. It made a funny thought come to mind, I wonder how much of it was my blood and how much was the donors blood?
In the chairs, in the office waiting room we all sat, I kept staring at Damon Oh how I wanted to smash his face in still. My blood boiled, and I felt the scowl on my face. He looked at me and looked terrified. And then I felt it, a grin, it spread across my face, I could feel the shroud of darkness that surrounded it fill the room. It would seem he did as well. It was broken when the nurse came in and made a gasp.
"You two with bleeding noses tip your heads back and hold right below the bone but don't squeeze hard." She shifted her attention to Billie. "Any injuries?"
"Yeah, the back of my head is bleeding, and I have a bad headache."
"I'll be right back." She said. The security guard watched us like a hawk. I did as told, and assumed Damon did as well. When she came back she had two cloths and saline water. "Wipe yourselves up with these," she handed a cloth to me, it was damp. I watched as she attended to Billie. "I need you to stand please, and stand by the secretaries counter."
She moved the chair and told him to sit. He listened to her and she sifted through his bloody hair. "Like I thought, just sit there ok?"
"Ok," Billie said.
She then turned her attention to Damon She threw her gloves into the waste bin and put on new ones. She got the cloth from him and wiped away the excess he didn't get. "I'm going to need to feel your nose, I know it's going to hurt but I need to know if it's broken, the good news though is it doesn't look like it is."
She tenderly squeezed on his nose, he yelped out like a baby. She rubbed up and down feeling it. "Well I think your lucky, I'll need to talk to your parent's when they get here. I'll let the principal know."
She came over to me, and did the same routine. Again not a broken nose, then she pulled out a flash light and shined it in my eyes. Asked a couple questions and did the same to the rest of us. We all seemed to pass the ok bill at the moment. She looked at Billie. "You come with me. I'm going to have to rinse your head to see how bad the damage is." She looked at the office lady and told her to tell the principal he could start.
As Billie left the room I felt my heart drop. His pain seemed to swallow me whole. I again glared at Damon I still wanted to hurt him, the rage it wanted out so bad. It was eating me whole sitting here in the same room not able to enact my vengeance, to draw it out and feel the freedom of letting him have all I could give.
The principal came out and stared at me, then Damon He shook his head, and the gym teacher came out after him. They both stared at me and called me in.
"Justin sit down." Mr. Johnson, sat next to me, and the principal took his seat behind his desk. "Do you care to explain yourself?" He asked.
So I told him, he looked at me closely the whole time, Mr. Johnson brooding the whole time. I went through the events that brought us all here in this room. The Principal took a breath, "Do you have anything to say to Mr's Johnson?"
"Yea, I do. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to, I was just so... I don't know lost is a good word I think. I just I lost it. I wasn't thinking I just reacted, I didn't know if you were one of his friends or not it was just reflex and I'm really, really sorry."
"Well if you aren't expelled Justin, I'll look forward to helping you serve out your detention." He had an evil grin on his face and I knew I was in deep shit. "I know how it is to be in a fight and therefor I won't hold it against you, but it's unacceptable however you look at it."
"I know, I'm sorry." I had to call my Mom and tell her what had happened, then the Principal talked to her. He asked if she would be able to come down to have an emergency conference. She must have agreed as he told me to go to the office and to send Damon in.
As I walked out I felt a sadness creep through my body. Billie still wasn't back I was hoping to see his beautiful eyes. I gave Damon a look that could kill and watched him squirm. "Your up." I sat in my chair and waited for Billie.
About ten minutes later, Billie came back. It wasn't long after that I heard a announcement over the PA.
"Any student's who may have witnessed rocks being thrown and the fight that incurred please report to the office. Again any witnesses especially ones who saw rocks being thrown and the fight that incurred please report to the office. Thank you." The static of the mic being put back was the end of it and I waited.
A minute and two kids were already here, five minutes and the office was filled with talking kids. Damon came out of the office and called Billie in. Mr. Johnson came out and hushed everyone.
"How many here saw who threw rocks?" Mr. Johnson asked.
It surprised me, Jessica stepped forward, she smiled at me then at Mr. Johnson. "I did sir."
"Anyone else?" He asked.
No one else stepped forward, "Ok now who saw the whole fight?"
Another girl stepped forward and two boys. "Ok you four stay here, the rest of you may return to your classes."
Kids mumbled and bickered, but they all eventually left the office. Silence returned. my fingers were fidgeting. I couldn't stand Billie being in there all alone. After what seemed to be ages he emerged from the office, and sat down next to me. Mr. Johnson re-entered the office, and as he did I looked over at Billie and he smiled at me. I smiled back and grabbed his hand. Jessica was leaned against the desk and was staring straight at us. She giggled at us then said "You two are so cute! Kinda sucks your gay but what a cute couple you make!"
I blushed and saw a blush kiss Billies face. It made my heart flutter and melt. The other kids seemed to watch us uncomfortably. Yet Jessica barely seemed phased it struck me as odd.
"Thanks Jessica, but why are you so comfortable everyone else in here seems to be squirming?"
"Oh it's nothing new to me, my Uncles are gay, Uncle Larry and Uncle Steve. Uncle Larry is my Dad's brother. They're both really nice, and I usually go there for two weeks every summer plus they live right on the beach basically. My Uncle Larry is a big influence in my life so it made me realize that gay people are just people like me."
I smiled at her and the silence returned. That's when Mr. Johnson called Jessica into the office. She smiled and walked into the office. I began worrying, what if it hadn't of been Damon? What is she said it was someone else altogether? I felt sweat rolling down my face. I stretched to release some of the pressure that seemed to be building in me, and that's when I heard his voice echo out.
"Look at his wrist! He must be crazy!" Damon's voice bounced off the walls and his eyes seemed to have a new strength behind them. I had to think fast and I did.
"That's right I tried killing myself, and just think if I'm a danger to myself, just think what I could do to you."
"Crazy fag! Oh God I hope I didn't get your blood on me you probably have AIDS too!" My jaw clenched, right as my fists did. I nearly jumped out of my chair, and the security guard intervened.
"Cool it now both of you, no more talking!" He stood in between the space separating us.
The silence was almost broken immediately when Billie's Mom came in first. She pulled him up into a hug that only a Mother could give and then when their hug broke she pulled me into one as well. My anxiety was put to ease from the hug. Usually I cringe from human touch but it made me feel whole for a minute.
She looked at the three of us, she looked us all up and down and shook her head. She gave Damon a look that was almost as venomous as mine. Then without asking she pulled me out of my seat. "Let's go wash your hands."
As she pulled me towards the door the office lady stopped her, "Where do you think your going?"
"I'm taking him to the restroom so he can wash his hands. He obviously has damage to his hands and they should be cleaned."
"Take him to the nurses office then, it's through that door."
And so she did she dragged me by my unmarked wrist. In the nurses office, the nurse looked up from her chair. "Are you Justin's mother?"
"No, I'm Billie's, but Justin's Mother is a friend of mine. I wanted him to wash his hands, they have blood on them. I know from a Mother's standpoint if Damon's Mom sees the blood on his hands it will make this situation worse."
"Well while your here I should talk to you. I'm going to suggest to all of you that you watch your children, don't let them sleep for at least 8 hours. I don't think Billie will need stitches but, and I don't think he will have a concussion but it's better to be safe than sorry."
I listened as I washed my hands and as I washed between my fingers a sharp pain shot through my wrist and arm. I yelped out in pain and felt tears sting my eyes. Their talking quit immediately and they both stared at me. "Justin what's wrong?" Billie's Mom asked.
"My wrist it really hurts, I got a really sharp pain in it and now almost my whole arm is throbbing."
The nurse came over and grabbed my arm, and it's when I noticed my wrist was swollen. She looked at the healing scar. "Did you do this recently?"
"Yes. It's why I haven't been in school, my Mom told the principal before I came back about it."
"Why wasn't I told? Did they have to fix anything?"
"Yes, a cut tendon, and one that was only cut halfway through."
She grabbed a heat pack and an ice pack, and told me to go sit in the office while she finished talking to Billie's Mom. She also told me to alternate them every few minutes. I sat back down next to Billie. He smiled at me and saw the packs. He looked at me sideways in that way that makes my heart swell to the point of feeling as it could pop.
Jessica was also in the room again and both the other kids were gone. The office door opened I was hoping to see my Mom but it was Damon's She saw him and gasped. It was a few seconds after the gasp that she grabbed him into a hug and she started sniffling. "Who did this to you?!" She demanded. Her voice getting more high and frantic. I started feeling small, and that's when he pointed at me and said him.
She stared me down and started yelling at me. I only heard some of her words, and that's when the principal came out of his office with the other kid that had been in the office. He looked at her sideways and grimaced as "little fucker" came out of her mouth. "Excuse me Mrs. Dumont!"
"How could you allow this to happen to my son? You call this a school! I ought to..."
The principal interrupted her, "Shall we move to my office? There are kids in here that don't need to be a part of this." He stepped back and opened his door and held his arm out. She walked into his office and he shut the door.
To be continued....
"Passion and shame torment him, and rage is mingled with his grief."
-Virgil, Ancient Roman Poet & Writer