Authors Note: Sorry for the delay, had to catch up my class :-) World History BITES! Hope you enjoy the new installment of My First Love, and remember I am open to suggestions as I am now rewriting it as I go & hopefully where you are it's not 113!! Hehe :-)
When I awoke I was in a wonderful mood. It was Sunday so I was really looking forward to seeing if Justin could come over. I called him but no one answered. So I went about my morning rituals. I peed, took a shower, then ate. I was bored so I played some tekken tag, I was determined to get better so I could have a chance against Justin. I played arcade on hard, it was amazingly hard. I Don't know how Justin could play it on Very Hard and win so easily...
By lunch time Justin filled my mind. I had never felt anything like this before, I wanted to see him, and have him bless me with a kiss. I wanted to smell his sweet scent sending my spirits higher. I decided to call him again around lunchtime. Finally someone answered after the third ring.
"Hello?" It was a male so I figured it was Justin's Dad.
"Hi! Can I talk to Justin?"
"Nope, he's grounded and won't be taking phone calls."
"Oh... ok." I said but before I finished I heard a click. I grumbled to myself. I wonder what that is about? I thought to myself.
The day seemed to drag on and on, when I got an idea. I went to my room and locked the door. I laid on my bed and thought about it. Magazine, or thoughts of Justin? Of coarse Justin won out and soon my hand was wrapped around my engorged cock. I slowly pumped on my cock, while picturing different things of him. His eyes, his smile, his body... He could drive me wild, especially the hot way he always bits his bottom lip. I was going at it furiously when there was a knock at my door. Another knock and I thought about Justin cumming and it was all that I needed. I bit down on my pillow and tried to be quiet. There were no more knocks so hopefully whoever it was thought I was sleeping.
An hour or so later I went into the living room and my Mom and Dad were on the couch snuggled up to each other. I felt a twinge inside, and I wished Justin was here so we could be like that. Not to mention for some reason I felt like I really needed to talk to him, not just for myself. I dismissed it as me just being overly clingy.
I went back to my room and watched some Kurao: Phantom Memory. But even watching that didn't do anything for my nerves. I paced my floor for a little bit and let myself wonder why Justin might be grounded. I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't do anything that serious. At least I was pretty sure. It took me a full week before he'd ditch school with me. As I was pacing my Mom opened the door and came in.
"Hey you, I was letting you know we'll be eating soon, so wash up and come down."
I did as she said and went down to the kitchen. I helped set the table then sat down in my chair. As usual the dinner proceeded like always. We talked for a few minutes, then started eating. It was when I was eating that a weird feeling crept down my spine. I couldn't pinpoint it, but you know that feeling when you wake up, and you just know something is going to happen? That's what it was. I felt sick and couldn't eat.
"I'm not really hungry, I think I'm going to go lay down."
"Are you ok honey?" My Mom asked.
"Yea, I just feel a little sick, maybe I ate too fast?"
"Ok honey, call if you need anything."
I went to my room, and when I laid on my bed I felt like crying, I don't know why, but I felt so alone and I couldn't grasp it. Justin filled my thoughts and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I decided to try one more time to talk to him.
I called his house, the phone rang a couple of times then Justin's Dad answered again.
"Hi, may I speak with Justin?"
"Didn't you call earlier?"
"Well, the answer is the same." Again he hung up on me.
I'm starting to think Justin's Dad is mean! Jeez. But the feeling seemed to go away, after a few minutes. I shook my head at my silliness then laid on my bed.
I looked at the scissors and the thoughts that followed incited a mental riot within me. Do I do it? Do I kill myself, all it would take is a plunge right into the heart, or a stab into my liver. I shook my head, and instead of casting the thoughts from me I felt my hand twitch. I licked my lips, contemplating, do I do it or do I go to the kitchen? I got up and walked to the desk and grabbed the scissors.
I looked into the mirror and what stared back was not me. My eyes were crazed and glassed over as if I was being controlled by something else. I opened the scissors and ran a blade across my palm to see how sharp they were. When a small line of blood trickled out I had my answer. I gripped them and was raising them away to gather enough momentum to plunge them into my liver when the phone rang.
I snapped out of my trance like state and blinked at myself. I set the scissors down and picked up the phone, its display let me know it was Billie's house. I waited for someone to answer, when it quite ringing I picked up the phone and listened. It was Billie! My Dad was talking to him.
My spirits came back a little at his voice, even more when I found out he had called already. My Dad was an asshole to him and it made me hate him that much more. I was near tears when my Dad hung up. I could have said something before Billie hung up but I didn't want to get caught. I looked at myself and glared at me. What the fuck had I been thinking, If I had done what I wanted where would that have left Billie? I loved him too much and I guess I needed the reassurance.
I threw the scissors into my closet and walked out into the hallway. The smell of Beef stroganoff filled my nostrils and made my stomach growl in anticipation. In the kitchen it was like all of our dinners. We sat quietly, and looked at our food, while my Dad slammed back five beers in about 10 minutes. I had a bad feeling, it was never good when he drank this much.
Dinner went as usual and by the end of it he was drunk, stupid, and aggressive. He went in stages. Right now he was in his stage I call happy obnoxious. He was overly excited and nice, while at the same time abusive. He hit me in the arm and said I did a good job in the yard.
My Mom noticed his behavior and did what she did to get him to not hurt us. She looked at him in that way then said she wanted to go to bed. I knew what she was really implying and it sickened me. I knew her trick and why she did it. He'd follow like a dog after meat and once he got what he wanted he would pass out and leave us alone. But I felt bad I knew she was doing it mostly for me, so he wouldn't hurt me. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone so fowl, my Dad wasn't bad looking I gave him that much but he was such a pig personality wise, and he treated her so bad it must have been so awful for her.
That night I tossed and turned from a nightmare. I was standing in front of the mirror again, but this time the phone didn't ring. I saw my reflection as the scissors stabbed into my liver, blood splashed out everywhere, and I began to pale. My eyes clouded over and my pupils opened.
I shot straight up to the alarm and was covered in sweat. I was so drained and was so not ready for school. When I got in the bathroom I saw my face. My left cheek was bruised, and I mumbled to myself. I started thinking of a cover story. I decided on the "I ran into a wall" one.
At school I ran into Billie, he looked at me and his smile faded. "Oh my fucking goddess! What happened?"
"I was stupid and ran into a wall, in the process I knocked my Grandmas Urn off the table and it broke. It's a good thing her ashes were in a bag or else I would have been grounded twice as long!" I lied, flawlessly like always, and felt terrible about it. I didn't want to lie, but at the same time I wanted to shield Billie from it.
"You should be more careful! At lunchtime I'll kiss it all better!" He smiled at me and I couldn't resist but to smile back. When I'm around Billie I just feel, I don't know like, at total peace as if nothing could ever go wrong if he's there by my side.
The bell rang and I headed to my homeroom and sat down. When the teacher turned towards the class he seemed to jump and looked at me suspiciously. I seemed to rot inside at the thought of him asking me what happened. I hated lying even if it was to, Mr. Chadwick. He gave us 20 minutes to look over our notes before passing out the quiz.
I was pretty sure I'd get at least a 85% on it if not better, and was happy when we started grading them. The usual routine took place, we all passed our papers to the person in front of us. I marked with my red pen on the wrong answers on Katrina's paper. She only missed 3 giving her 97%. I passed it back to her and got mine. I missed 3 as well and was happy.
The bell rang and Mr. Chadwick told us to bring our graded quizzes to his desk. As I got to his desk he asked me to wait at my desk. I walked back to my desk and sighed. My bones seemed to quiver, and my stomach felt like it was being twisted and knotted. When the last person left the room he shut and locked the door and sat on the desk next to mine.
"Hi Justin." He seemed unsure what to say, then cut to the chase. "What happened?"
I froze up, and stuttered. "I... oh I ran into a wall... I was really hyper cause I got a new game and my mom called me and I looked back an wham! Right into the wall..." I chuckled, "Stupid of me ehh?"
"Justin, is there something your not telling me? You know if you got in a fight with a student, or if perhaps one of your parent--"
"Oh no, I swear I just ran into a wall... I am really clumsy, seriously that's all that happened."
His foot started tapping like it did, and he looked me straight in the eyes. "I'll believe you, but if you ever need to talk to someone Justin, all you have to do is ask ok?"
"Ok Mr. Chadwick, but it's not necessary I really did just run into a wall."
"Ok then, I'll write you a late note."
I wanted to run into Billie but as I had to stay in my class for my little talk with Mr. Chadwick he must have thought I was already in my next class. I went to my Literature class and started reading the next chapter of Hemmingway's "The Old Man & The Sea" I was getting to the part where the sharks came to eat his catch, when the bell rang. I set my book down and looked up. My teacher, Mrs. Donaldson looked at me in the eyes and I sighed knowing all too well there was going to be another "I'm here for you" talk.
I packed up my book and basically just went slow. As the room emptied I finally had my backpack on my shoulder. Mrs. Donaldson happened to be the school counselor as well. She always liked trying to get in my head, and this was going to be an even harder attempt to.
I started towards the door hoping, but she stopped me. "Justin, could we talk for a minute?"
"O... Ok." I sighed slightly, and she looked over her glass rims.
"What do you mean?" I said trying to play dumb.
"Your face Justin, what happened?"
"Oh I was dumb and ran into a wall. My Dad called me just as I reached my doorway and I looked back and ran right into the wall. Heh, stupid of me ehh?"
"Are you sure that's what happened?"
"Yes I wouldn't have said so if I wasn't sure. It was a stupid accident and now everyone has to ask if I'm alright. I'm fine."
She walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I was never a touchy feely person, and even less so since one dreaded day. I flinched and pulled away. Usually I could control it, but I didn't want to feel anything, and her touch alone sent so many emotions through me. All I wanted at this point was to be numb. She stepped back away from me when I asked her not to touch me. She gave me this look and it seemed she was dissecting me, while analyzing and reading more out of it.
"I would like to have a session with you today, I'll speak to Mr. Sanchez about you missing his Spanish class today. Be at my office at your 5th period."
I yelled at myself in my head, all the names he called me, stupid, mistake, worthless. I looked to my feet and gave in to her demand. "Ok... see you then." I said and I quickly left. I think she said she was going to give me a late pass as I bolted out the door. I just wanted away from her.
Billie was waiting for me outside the door, I ran passed him and didn't even know it. He called out my name, and ran over to me. "Is there something wrong Justin? You've been acting weird today."
"No... I am just a little stressed, and I was hoping I didn't miss you like last period. We ditchin'? If we are I have to be back, Mrs. Donaldson is on my case about seeing her during my fifth period."
"Sure, we'll come back after lunch."
"Actually, let's grab something today before we go. I'm kinda hungry."
"Ok," Billie said and we walked into the cafeteria.
In line a few people looked at me, some pointed, and others just went about their daily routines. I hated all the scrutinizing eyes that seemed to be watching me with a hawks perception. I grabbed a slice of pizza and fries. Billie got some of the Soft Tacos and a burrito.
"Craving Mexican huh?"
"Yup! Always!" He smiled at me.
We got to the cashier and paid for our stuff then walked towards the side gate of the school. As we left school property I felt a little less preoccupied.
"So how are you today?" I said to Billie. He smiled at me and seemed to make my heart melt.
"I'm good, but to tell the truth Justin, I'm worried about you. I don't know why I just feel like you need to tell me something or, that you need my help, but you keep clamming up on me."
"Seriously, I'm fine..." I looked at my feet, and tried gathering up any bit of happiness in me, then looked up at Billie and gave him my best grin.
"If you say so Justin." Billie said. We walked silently to the park. We sat at a bench and ate in silence as well. We've had our silent times but this wasn't like the usual. That comfortableness wasn't there.
I nibbled at my pizza, and decided I wasn't as hungry as I had thought. Billie had eaten a taco but was basically just staring at his food as well. I hated this, it shouldn't be awkward to be around each other. I sighed quietly to myself as I thought about my Dad and my life altogether. Billie cut into my thoughts however, "Justin, please tell me what's wrong. I know you don't want to for some reason, but I need to know what's bothering you."
I looked at him and felt horrible, he looked almost lost. I looked at the table I couldn't look at his eyes, they just made me want to break down and sob it all out. I kept telling myself it was for his benefit to not know. Deep down I think it was plain fear in truth. After all I was just stupid, worthless and a mistake... surely he'd see that, and he'd see the same weakness as him and he'd hate me. It was so irrational but my Dad's voice plagued me day and night with his harsh words filled with venom.
"Did I do something Justin?"
"Of coarse not, I just... I'm fine I swear! Ok?"
"Justin..." Billie said, and then he looked at the ground. "Did someone hurt you?"
A piece of me cracked at his question, I felt it, deep within. He asked me straight out, and it was hard enough to lie to him, but if I did this time it would be blatantly. I looked at the ground and thought about his question. Memories came back, I remembered every punch, shove, kick, and name. Then the one thing that really killed me, so long ago. I had tried forgetting, to move past it, to smother it in denial, but that feeling of dirtiness washed over me and sent my skin crawling.
I looked up at Billie and he looked me straight in the eyes. I looked back to the ground and wished that I had never let myself feel again. He stood and walked behind me then sat next to me. He leaned against me and kissed my shoulder. The feeling I got was not what I ever expected, but it made me insecure and I felt filthy.
I fought the feelings, he would never be like James I knew that, but I always had that fear, that I'd be hurt in that way again. I still couldn't accept it even though it had been two years since James-A family "Friend"-had taken my blind view of the world and shattered it to reveal the ugliness and blackness that the world held. In that one night when tears and laughter fucked in my bed.
Could Billie ever love me if he knew that dark secret? That I was ravaged body and soul, shredded to pieces, and left there all alone to slowly decay? He just didn't need to know...
"I'm fine really..." I said. I felt myself tremble as I lied to him.
"Ok Justin, if you say so. I'll believe you..." He hugged me and his hand found a tender spot on my side. I flinched and held my breath, hoping he wouldn't notice.
"So how long are you grounded?"
"I don't know, he was pretty mad." I said
"Well I hope it's not too long, think he'll let you talk tonight?"
"Probably not, he takes groundings very seriously."
"Hmm we'll have to figure something out. WAIT! That's it!! Think he'd let you off if you had to get a team project done? Let's say for World History?"
I had never thought of that. It sounded really good, but if he found out the truth... it would be the end of me. In the end I found it to be a good idea anyway.
"We should try, I'll tell him when I get home, and you can call around 5:30 what's the report on? Wait I've got it. As to not stray too far away we'll say it's about the WWII, the allied powers, and the axis-powers. We just finished a quiz and I'll have to do a report soon anyway. Did you get World History last semester?"
"So you remember about the WWII and Hitler's New Order?"
"Yup! So it's all set?"
"Well if we are going to get back before the lunch bell we really should get going and pretty fast. You ready babe?"
I smiled at him and this time it wasn't a cover smile.
To be continued...