I couldn't stop blushing, once we left the tunnel I couldn't stop it. I had seduced someone, not by dumb luck or instinct, but of my own making. It surprised me, I could see my world more clear it seemed as if I had made that choice that separated me from the other kids at school. I wasn't just a kid anymore and it kind of scared me, but not enough to ruin my afterglow. I look back at the walk home and think how corny I must have looked and not cute corny but the make yourself gag corny. I smile and cringe, and it kills me because I can't involve him anymore.
I lied to him and it hurts keeping it going. But not as bad as it does when he knows. If he knew my Dad was hitting me it would hurt him and it won't stop. It would be torture constantly. I laid in my room, contemplating for hours. Was I more of a scab or a glow in Billies life? Would my life drag him down? How long before he looked at me like him? Like nothing more than a scab, a piece of garbage. These torturing hours alone in my room. The TV cranked up, cowboys and Indians fighting, listening to him sleep. Waiting for the ball to drop, for the eggshells to shatter into dust. Wondering if it's sleep that will take him to bed or a work out I'd feel for days.
It's in moments of silence that people crack. I felt the walls trembling, the sinking of my mind into the dark abyss. Some people say hell is here on earth, while others like to think it's below us, or in another realm. I'm one of the ones who believe hell is here. In these small moments in time, where everything seems to stand still. Where reality and wonderland blend into one. That's hell...that's insanity.
It's in moments like these that people make irrational decisions, where pain exceeds the will to make it to the finish line. And the real contemplating began. Like a viral infestation neutralizing my emotions one by one.
Thoughts of making him stop came and went with thoughts of knives kissing the meaty flesh of my wrist and forearms. Scenes of my death played in my head, I could have control of my life. I could end this lifetime of pain and suffering.< hr />
At school the next day I tried avoiding Billie. I couldn't look him in the eyes before I broke his heart or I couldn't do it. I decided I'd wait until after school. I'd break up with him and it would kill me, but it didn't matter protecting him did and I was just so dead feeling.
Lunch time came around and there was no more avoiding him. He was waiting for me next to the lunch line I got in and he got in behind me. His smile made my heart melt, and almost brought me to tears. His love alone was the only thing keeping me going, what could I give him if I was always sucking from him? I smiled back, instantly even with thoughts plaguing my mind. I couldn't stop myself if I tried. But I have to, I'll have to bare worse...
"Where have you been all day?" Billie asked.
"I ran a bit late this morning and I was tardy to Mr. Sanchez's class so he had one of his chats with me."
"Oh... ok, if you say so." he gave me another grin after a lopsided stare. "Sooo...?"
"So?" I said and I could hear the annoyance in my voice. I beat myself up for getting snappy. I couldn't help it, this constant pulling of my emotions, trying to detach while not making it obvious. It was eating me whole.
"Was just wondering what you were getting... you are kinda holding up the line. Are you sure your ok Justin?"
"Yes, yea... I'm sorry, I'm just grumpy I guess..." I said trying to hide my lie.
"Ok." Billie said staring at me harder now.
I grabbed my food, then a milk, then sat at our usual table. Billie followed and sat across from me. He picked at his French fries, and kept looking up at me from his tray. I smiled at him and he seemed to relax more. We started chit chatting about nothing I was happy for the small talk. It made it easier to hide my feelings. Josh sat down not far from us along with Rob. We said hi to them, Billie started talking to Josh, I don't know why but it made me mad. I used it and bottled it up inside. I watched him giggle and laugh, then when Josh gave him a small push, it had pushed me right over the edge. I grabbed my tray and threw what was on it in the trash and threw my tray with the rest and stormed towards my next class.
I swear you'd see the fumes floating from my being if you looked close enough. It was a minute or two after I arrived in the hallway outside my class that Billie found me.
"Why did you leave? You only drank some milk you didn't even eat anything."
"I just don't feel good, why don't you go hang out with Josh it looked like you two were having a great time!"
"What's wrong with you today!? I know you weren't late! I saw you get off your bus! I know you didn't stay longer in your class cus I went by it! So what the fuck is going on?! Why are you pushing me away?"
"I'm done. Billie, I, we can't do this here."
"Why not? Say what you need to Justin!"
I looked around the hall, this isn't what I wanted... this isn't how I saw it. I swallowed hard and let it come out. "I don't love you anymore Billie, I... I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry."
"Your... your, how, wha-why?! Please Justin... what do you mean? How could you say that? It was only yesterday that you said. That you, you..." people started gathering, and tears started threatening to drop from his eyes and mine too. He ran away, and I felt the last pieces of my soul of my very heart die. I felt nothing anymore, I walked out of the school, and I kept walking. I walked all the way home. I didn't even realize it until my face nearly hit the front door. I went inside, the lights were off and I knew I was alone.
Alone... sitting here in this dark abyss. My mind still analyzing how I broke his heart, replaying his face, seeing the sadness brewing on it. Over and over hearing his words, knowing what he was going to say. How could I say I didn't love him when I had just said it the night before?
Sitting alone in the dark living room. It was normal, it was this temple of pain I grew up in. It was fitting that I'd learn what I myself could control. And how sad that the only thing that truly was mine, was my life. The knife I held it, staring at it, seeing its edges. It's sharp point, the reflection of my face on the almost pristine looking metal. I watched myself for an hour in my head, cutting into my arm, watching my blood pour out. I'd snap out of it and look at my unmarked flesh and let my mind sink again into the shower of blood that awaited in these sick visions.
This hysteria that clutched me, these tears that meant nothing, down to the insane giggles. I sank into memories, sucking up all the pain I could find, so I could make that slice. I let the edge slide across my skin, feeling the little tug from the blade. I did it a couple times, watching so intently. Daring myself to dig it in deeper. The dance lasted testing my stamina. Until I took the plunge. I held it so the tip rested on my wrist almost on my palm. The tears stopped I had no more to release.
It was a burning pain, feeling the tip puncture the skin, seeing the blood ooze out. It was shocking, how easy it was to sink it in. The pain seemed to even out to a dim annoyance. I took a breath, the last one I was sure I'd ever breathe again. I pulled the blade up along the under of my forearm. Watching it leave a small cavern which almost instantly filled with blood. It was unlike any blood I had seen before.
It looked almost black I saw it squirt and that's when the dizziness hit. It stopped squirting and it seemed as if it was going to end. I stumbled to the bathroom, turned on the water. I put my wrist under it, and as the water gushed from the faucet a crossed my flesh the blood began anew. The edges of the room became dimmer, and the dark abyss of my mind seemed to grow from the corners in to get me to claim me forever.
Before the darkness took me whole I felt free, it was as if serenity had finally found me. It could have been days, minutes, hours, even seconds, before my hearing came to me. I opened my eyes and was blinded by light. Was this heaven? Was this the light I was supposed to go to? Dare I look back to see if flames are coming to grab me?
My eyes began to adjust, and my feeling came to me. I tried moving but couldn't I was bound. I could see now I was in a room, a hospital room from the looks. I looked down and saw I was strapped down. I tried speaking but my throat was too dry and coarse feeling. I looked down, hoping this was Hell, purgatory, anything but life. The bandage on my arm was bulky and annoying. A dim pain radiated from my wrist.
The tears started by themselves, they were tears of anger. How? Why? I did it right, what went wrong? A blinding rage engulfed me, and the silence was finally broken. Shattered by my screams bouncing off the walls. I wanted to bury myself in the bed I was strapped to, I wanted my escape, my freedom. I had been so close.
It was in my moment of insanity that the nurse walked in. It was an older man, I didn't even notice him until he spoke. His voice seemed to cut through the fog of madness and his eyes seemed to pierce through me. They were caring, yet hard eyes. A aqua blue color that seemed to have a fire in them. He had salt and pepper hair like my father, but his face was kind. And his voice seemed so soothing.
"Hello Justin please calm down. My name is Steven, your in the hospital, under suicide watch. Do you need something, water? Maybe something for the pain?"
"No." I snapped.
"Are you sure? You lost a lot of fluids so to speak."
"Yes just leave me alone," I asked more calmly.
"Sure if you want I'll just go back to reading my magazine. Though if you could promise me something I may be able to make you feel more comfortable."
I muled it over, he didn't seem threatening. "Sure, what?"
"Can you promise you won't try to hurt yourself, or leave this room if I unfasten you?"
"Yes" I said maybe too eagerly.
"If not I'll have to sedate you."
His steps seemed very calculated as if everything he did was. He undid the ones on my ankles first, then then one on my waist. Finally my hands. I sat up and looked up at him. He gave me a grin and sat in a chair next to my bed. I looked around, it was a normal room. I looked out the window, wishing I were out there instead of in this room.
I decided I'd finally look at what caused this. I looked again at the bandage on my wrist. I decided to peek at it. I was halfway there where the nurse stopped me.
"What do you think your doing?"
"Looking at my damage."
"There's a bandage on it for a reason, leave it be please. It will need to be changed today so you will be able to see then."
I huffed a little but left it alone. That's when I saw the flowers on the table, with a card. I looked at them curious to know who they were from. At the same time I was dreading them. What if... what if they're from Billie? The mere thought of his name brought a flash to me.
It seemed as if I was plummeting into a day dream or rather being pulled in. I was in front of the sink again. Watching the blood mix with the running water. Dizziness claimed me and I fell to the floor. The darkness eating me alive again. Hearing a gasp, someone screaming my name. Trying to force my eyes open to see who, feeling someone grab my shoulders and laying me on the floor. Crying. My eyes fluttered open enough to see a glimpse, immediately my world shattered. Billie had found me, like that. Talking, it was so muffled, so frantic.
I felt the hand on my shoulder, this wasn't this dream, this memory. My Dad's face filled my head, that glare... it cut to my bone and froze my soul. I could hear screaming, it sounded so familiar. It was getting louder. Pain filled me, and this vision or whatever you could call it vanished. I looked up at a startled nurse and a couple of other nurses I assumed. They all stared at me, and I stared back, wondering how I ended up on the floor. Those damn tears started again.
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" The first nurse asked me. He got close and everyone else in the room seemed to be watching, or rather waiting. "Justin...?"
"What... how? Why?" My brain wouldn't work, it was trying to process this all and the pieces just wouldn't fit right. "What's happening to me? I can't anymore."
"Can you tell me what happened?" Steven asked.
"I... I don't know. I was looking at the flowers and... and I don't know I was day dreaming I think. I was remembering who found me... and... and..." I couldn't wait, I stood up and walked to the flowers and grabbed the card. it read "Get well soon, Billie". I thought the waterworks were bad before but reading it broke my heart. He saw me like that, he... he saved me after what I did to him. How much pain I must have put him through and he still got me flowers. "Billie... is he here?"
"He was. He and his parent's waited here through your surgery I was told. Justin, how often do you have these daydreams?"
"It was the first time, kind of."
"What do you mean by kind of?"
"Well... I kinda zone out now and then. I just stare off at. Wait, why do you want to know?"
"Because I want to help you, I am a Counselor here at John C Lincoln."
"You can't help me, no one can."
"Yes I can Justin, I think I can explain to you why you have these daydreams, but I need to know more information about them, about you. Would you like help?"
I thought it over, I could be careful. "Well...yes."
"Good, can you answer some questions for me?"
"Here I actually have a paper here you can do for me and it will give me some information I need. If I give you a pen, can you promise me you won't do anything stupid with it?"
I rolled my eyes at him. "You think someone would be dumb enough to say no if they thought they could do something with one?"
"Well... you do have a point, but I'm asking you, I'm being respectful and in return I have a feeling you will keep your word because of that fact."
"No I won't hurt myself, or anyone else, just because I want to die doesn't mean I want to hurt anyone."
"Ok, good Justin." Steven said while handing me a paper and pen.
I had seen papers similar to this, somewhat like the one the school counselor has. I started filling out the painfully dumb questions. While I filled it out the others left the room, and he sat and watched me. I hated being watched his eyes seemed to see through me and I didn't like it. After I was done I gave him back the paper and pen.
He set it to the side and didn't even read it. It hit a nerve in me for some reason and he seemed to notice. "Justin, I have to ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them as best as you can."
"Whatever." I said not liking how his eyes seem to tear through my defenses.
"First the bruises. You have many of them, how did you get them?"
"I'm clumsy, I trip over my feet now and then, stupid things like that. Two left feet."
"Justin, whatever you tell me is in confidence. Not even your parent's will hear a word spoken past this room. You understand?"
"Yes and I told you, I'm clumsy, I'm just stupid ok? I want to talk to my Mom."
"Justin, I'm trying to help you... what if I could help make it stop? What if there was no more pain but room to be happy? You tried to kill yourself, whatever pushed you to your limit, it needs to be removed. If it's not it's just going to build up again. Let me help you."
"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I want to speak to my parents."
"Ok Justin. If you change your mind, I will be here ok?"
"Ok." I said turning off my emotions trying to make myself a cold shell.
To be continued.