Date: Thu, 3 Jan 2013 01:51:12 -0500 (EST) From: Erik Pruett Subject: Please Don't Go (5) - Young Friends The regular warnings apply. Don't read this if it offends you, or if it's illegal to do so. Okay, so it has been a while since the last time I updated this. I haven't forgotten! And even if I had, the constant emails have served as a constant reminder of the fact that I'm not writing. I'm really sorry it's been so long! I've just had a lot of schoolwork to get out of the way. But my English project is done and I don't see any big stuff on the horizon, so hopefully it's onward and upwards from here. =] Feel free to write me with the usual questions, comments, concerns. Or just to say hello, because I could always use another friend. --- For a while after that, I wasn't able to see him. Not a day after our big day in Austin, I came down with the flu like never before, and the disease kept me bound to my mattress for an entire week and three days. Ten days of coughing and runny noses later, however, life returned to normal. I wake up early, the morning of my first day back. Having not seen him in a while, I want to make a good impression. I fish the nicest pair of grey slim jeans I own out of the drawer, pull them up my legs. Next comes a solid white v-neck, and then a small black jacket my friend Sarah lent me once, that I'd never returned. It's a girl's jacket, but it suits my frame better than it ever did her's. I take the time to actually brush my hair, slip on some black Vans, and finish the whole look off with a silver peace sign necklace Jaime had won me the last time we went to the fair, and for once I leave the house feeling positive about the way I look. But my luck is never that great. My work is mostly all for naught. Turns out Jaime has a dentist appointment, and he doesn't even show up to class until last period. I don't get a chance to see him until I'm walking to the bus in the afternoon, and even then, he sees me first. "Sash! You're back!", he shouts. I turn around just in time for him to tackle-hug me, lift me off the ground, and spin around. When he finally puts me down, I'm dizzy. "Good to see you too, goof." He's all smiles, his chocolate brown hair the usual eccentric mess, his face as bright as ever. He looks me up and down for a second, then winks. I blush. "You look good today", he smiles. "Just today?", I pout and stick my tongue out when his face shifts. "Dude, I feel like you've been away forever. So much stuff has happened, I've got like a thousand things to catch you up on. What are you doing later?" Don't be fooled by the spaces, the words left his mouth as one long solid sound. "Nothing", I shrug. His smile expands. "Sick! C'mon, let's go back to my place, my Mom is picking me up today." As if on cue his mother pulls up beside us and honks her horn. Jaime bounds over to the passenger side window, tells his mother I'm coming with, opens the door for me to get in. Just as I'm sitting down, a girl I recognize as on of the school cheerleaders come up and wraps an arm around Jaime's waste, softly says two words that crash into me like a freight train. "Hey babe." Jaime smiles, says hello back. They step a bit away from the car, say a few things to eachother, then he kisses her on the mouth and gets in the backseat of the car. The only thing I feel more acutely than confusion is pain. "I'll explain we get home", he whispers into my ear when he notices my furrowed brow. And for the rest of the ride home, we don't say a word to one another. --- When finally we do get home, Jaime grabs my wrist and practically drags me upstairs to his room. We get in, he shuts the door and jumps onto the bed. Significantly less animated, I take a seat gently on his computer chair, fold one leg over the other, and look at him expectantly for the explination he's promised. "So, that was my girlfriend", he says in a neutral tone. I take a breath. Inhale, exhale. "Oh." He looks at me for a second, like he's trying to study my reaction. But my face is mostly blank. I keep taking those measured breaths as my brain tries to completely process what I was just informed of. Jaime has a girlfriend now. A pretty one. "Are you alright, dude?", he asks, lower. I nod. "I'm fine. Just...", the questions I want to ask all try to force their way out of my mouth at once, and all of them get stuck. "Just?..." "Just... how? I mean, what happened?" "Last Friday a bunch of us went to the mall. She's in my fourth period, and we started talking. And on Saturday we went to the movies. And then Sunday... well, it just sort of happened. I was gonna' tell you...", he says it all a bit nervously, and his voice trails away at the end. "Oh", I say. It's all I can manage. "Don't be mad, okay? Let me explain a little more", he says, judging the cloudy look I'm sure is plastered all over my face. "I'm not mad", I lie, "just... confused. I mean, two weeks ago you were kissing me, and now you're dating some chick you barely know after three days." I stop myself before my breathing starts to pick up, concentrate hard on keeping myself calm and level. Jaime just frowns. "I know, dude, I know. Listen, she's been hitting on me since the school year started. And, I mean I know we kissed a few times and stuff, but I don't think I'm.. you know... the same way you are", he says, mumbling the last bit. He's not really looking me in the eyes. "You mean gay", I state flatly. He looks stung, and that hurts me and feels good all at once, in a way I can't explain. "Yeah." Silence. There is a terrible pause in which neither of us says a thing. We don't speak or look at one another or really even breathe, it's all just stillness. There are emotions raging inside of me like a hurricane, conflicting and impossible to sort through. My heart feels torn asunder, I feel betrayed, but I know I shouldn't, that if I were really his friend I'd be happy that he had a girlfriend, that I'm being selfish. But he kissed me. I told him I loved him, and he kissed me. "Please don't be mad, Sash. I really care about you. So much. You mean more to me than anyone else, man." I scoff, despite myself. "Hey! I'm serious!", he half-shouts. I can tell by the light in his eyes that he is, and that hurts even worse than if he'd been lying to spare my feelings. "Jaime, I like you!", I shout at him. An embarrassed look crosses his face, probably because of my volume, but it does nothing to quiet me down. "I mean, damn! I love you! And I told you that, and you kissed me! I even told you that I'd make myself stop if you wanted, but you just shrugged it off, and you kissed me!" "Sash, please--", he begins timidly, but I cut him off. "Why would you do that if you knew you didn't have the same kind of feelings back for me? That hurts, you jerk!" I stop. At this point, I'm red in the face from anger and embarrassment. My shoulders rise and drop, I realize I'm breathing heavy. Jaime looks on the verge of tears. "I don't want to lose you Sash, I don't. But I just... I can't be gay", his voice never really gets above a whisper, ad when I look him in the face I see tears slipping down his cheeks. I want to be mad at him. I want to hate him for not loving me the way I do him. I want to scream and curse and hit him, but I can't. He's my best friend. "Jaime...", the name tumbles off my tongue. "I'm really sorry Sash. I just can't be gay. I can't!", he croaks out. Then he shoves his face into his hands and he starts to sob in earnest. And despite my every dark intention, all the hurt swimming around inside me dissolves, and I sit down on the bed next to him and wrap him up in my skinny arms. He leans in against my chest and this time I get to be the one that comforts him. When after a few minutes he's pulled himself together, he looks up at me with puffy eyes, their redness only accentuating their emerald green. "Please don't stop being my best friend? You're the best one I've got, I can't even imagine what my life would be like with you in it." I swallow hard. The way he's looking at me, after everything that's happened, I know exactly how frightening it is making yourself vulnerable that way to someone else. Especially when that someone else is important to you. And even though it'll hurt more than any wound ever could, in that moment I know exactly what I have to do. "You're my best friend, dude", I reply with all the sweetness I can muster through a fake smile. "There's no way I could ever leave my best friend." His eyes light up with elation, and he wraps me in the tightest hug I've ever received, nearly crushing me between his arms. He holds me there for what felt like an eternity, whispering how thankful he is that I was being so cool about everything, how glad he is that we're still best friends, how great I am. And I just keep my face against his shoulder and wait for the moment to end. But really, it never will. And that's the worst part.