Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2016 11:20:47 -0600 From: Mark Holfmore Subject: Remembering Shad Some More: The True Story Remembering Shad: The True Story I recently did a search on Nifty.org and was very surprised when I found two stories that I wrote many years ago. I was also surprised to see how similar the stories were to each other as well as a story I submitted just two years ago. One of the other stories was published by Nifty in 1995 and the other in 1996 when the Internet was starting to take off, but then there were mostly newsgroups and other sites that contained sexually explicit stories without any photos. I guess I must have submitted the stories and then thought that they would never be published. The first of them, called "My First Times," described what happened when I began to fantasize about other guys in the summer before I turned fourteen. The first part detailed my very first fantasy and what triggered it. In the story, I wrote that this fantasy involved a friend of mine named Ray, when actually the boy's name was John. In real life, I replaced John with Ray in the fantasy a few months later. Then the story went on to my experiences with another friend named Shad. The rest of the story was exactly true to life until the very end when I wrote about hiding in my basement. After rubbing my chest, Shad really did move his hand down to my waist and the opening of my jeans, but when he asked, "What would you do if I didn't stop?" I was too scared to say what I really wanted to say, and what I wrote in the story, which was "I'd do the same for you." The story ended with him moving his hand further down. I obviously planned to write another part to the story and I think I stopped there because I probably received a message that the story was too long, or maybe I just ran out of time and planned to submit more stories. Unfortunately, I never did write another part to the story. But a year later, I tried submitting another version of the story called "True Life: My Friend, Shad." This story also described the actual events up to the same point, and then went into greater detail about my fantasy about "what could have been" had I been brave enough and smart enough to realize that he was all but asking me to have sex with him. However, I never knew how far he really wanted to go and I was afraid at the time that he was just joking with me. But another major reason for my hesitancy to try anything more with him was that I was confused and conflicted about my own sexual preference. At the same time, I continued to replay the event in my mind years later, which led me to write these two versions of the same story within a year of each other. Obviously, the fact that this was my first sexual experience with another guy and the first chance I ever had to go beyond masturbating in front of each other to actual sex has haunted me to this day. What if I had encouraged Shad to go further? Was he gay, or bi like I eventually began to accept that I was? If we had done more together, what impact would that have had on my sexual identity? Would I have decided that I was actually gay after that? Fast forward almost twenty years later when I wrote my third version and submitted it to Nifty under the title "Remembering Shad." This version described what led me to write the new version, namely that one day when I was videotaping myself masturbating and talking to the camera, it suddenly hit me that I was gay and that I loved men. Once again, it took awhile for the story to be published and I began to think it wasn't going to be. But I guess I was a little more patient this time and a few months later I found it posted on the archive. Soon after that, another man sent an email to the address I had listed with the story and I wrote him back saying that the story was true up to a point and that I was really bisexual. Then my wife found the email because I hadn't closed the window properly and she confronted me with what I had written in the email. But she never read the story, so she didn't suspect the truth. So now that I have found two other stories I wrote, I feel a need to share what really happened with Shad. I did write a true story version after I wrote "Remembering Shad," but I deleted it from the computer because I was afraid that my wife would find it. I wish I had submitted it to Nifty since it would have saved me this work. But I guess it's just part of the process I'm going through coming out, and now is the time to face the regrets I have so I can move on with the process of accepting that I'm gay. Getting, back to the story-- everything I wrote was true up to the point of the Shad asking if I was gay. I think I got the idea of the next part from a story I had read on Nifty or some newsgroup. One of the boys in the story asked his friend if he thought it was possible to be "a little bit gay." I thought that would have been a good way to answer Shad's question since I wouldn't have been exactly admitting that I was gay. I also thought that it might have given him an opening to admit that he too was a "little bit gay." But I didn't respond that way, and when he asked me what I'd do if he didn't stop and continued to move his hand down my pants, instead of saying that I'd do the same for him, I said "I'd scream." I said it in what I thought was a joking manner, and so he then asked, "I'll beat off for you if you beat off for me." Once again, I was stupid and thought to myself "Isn't that what we've already done? Hadn't he beat off in front of me and I in front of him? Of course, that wasn't what he meant and I missed my chance. I could have even tried something when he did sleep over that night. He even wanted to sleep in that crawl space under the stairs, but I thought my parents would wonder where we were when actually they probably wouldn't have noticed since I always stayed up so late. Nothing did happen that night, but I did have two other chances to have sex with Shad. One of the happened when he came over while I was finishing taking a shower. He just barged into the bathroom just as I turned off the water. Since I was standing behind the curtain, he asked "What are you doing in there, beating off?" And he pulled the shower curtain open. I was actually drying off and had my towel against my chest. Shad didn't flinch, so I decided to just act normally and finish drying off. Shad just stood there talking to me, and I was a little surprised that he didn't have a problem with my nudity when he had told me cover myself up the last time I was naked in front of him. So I just kept drying off, and when I began blow-drying my hair, I noticed that he was really looking at me. Now I was feeling a little uncomfortable, and as stupid as ever, since this should have been my clue that he was actually enjoying looking at my body. But did I ask him to join be in the buff? Did I ask him to join me in my room? Of course not! Instead I pushed him out the door! He really put up a struggle, (another clue) but I just wanted to finish drying off in peace. If I had a dollar for every moment of cluelessness... The next chance I had was at his house. I can't remember why we went over there, but I do remember that he disappeared at some point. I went looking for him and found that his door was closed. I opened it as quickly as he had opened the shower curtain and I saw him lying down on his bed, his pants down, and the vibrator pressed against his crotch. He lay there, frozen and I cheerfully asked, "Can I use it next?" I really didn't think that he'd let me, but a couple minutes later he came out of his bedroom and handed me the vibrator. It had to be plugged in, so I looked for the nearest electric plug. It was near a reclining chair, but since the cord wasn't very long, I decided to just sit on the floor. I pulled down my pants, and turned on the vibrator. I was already hard, and just like the first time, I was quickly brought to the edge of an orgasm. As I came, Shad appeared above me, leering down at me. I luckily had a Kleenex in my pocket and used it to clean up. I pulled my pants back on and handed Shad the vibrator. We soon left to go back to my house, and as we were walking, Shad spoke up. "Michael, what would you do if...?" I don't remember what I said in reply, but I now wonder if I had tried to get him to tell me what he wanted to say and if I had managed to be understanding, he might have told me why he had been leering at me earlier. But I'll never know for sure. Things soon fell apart with him in a strange way. I say strange because one night at my house, he asked me if I wanted to get out my magazines and beat off. I said yes, and handed him one of my Playboys while I took the other. This time I decided not to get naked in front of him and instead sat on my bed with my knees up and the magazine propped up against my legs as I masturbated. He sat on the other side of the bed perpendicular to me, his back against the wall. I could clearly see his cock and I'd glance at it, but he seemed mostly engrossed in his magazine. Both of us soon came and I cleaned up (he didn't have to since he wasn't producing semen yet). Later, we went over to a neighbor's to watch a movie. My sister and her friends were also there, and one of them was a girl that I liked. I think that's the reason why I acted the way I did when Shad started to kick is foot against the edge of the couch I was sitting against. I became really irritated and told him to stop kicking the couch, and when he didn't, I slammed my hand against his foot. He got mad too, of course, but I can't remember if he left or we just sat there in silence during the rest of the movie. A few weeks later, his family moved across town and the last time I saw him was months later at the movie theater I worked at. It was a small, two screen theater and I was left in charge for the night. I saw Shad walking through the parking lot with a friend, but I'm not sure what exactly happened next. Either he yelled at me or I at him, and I started throwing snow balls at him. The kid working with me joined in and we chased both of them away. Interestingly, I later became attracted to the boy I was working with, especially when he shared a collection of Penthouse Forum letters he had stolen from his sister. Two of the letters contained hot descriptions of guys having sex with each other for the first time, and I started fantasizing about having sex with him in the theater when we were working alone. One of the fantasies involved sharing which letter in the Forum collection we liked best, and me admitting that I liked the one about the guy sucking his own cock and telling the boy (his name was Chris) that I wished I could do that too (I actually tried after I read it, but my cock isn't long enough and I'm not flexible enough either. When he then admitted that he liked the letter too, I then shared that I liked the man-to-man first time letters too. But of course I was never brave enough, and a year later when I came home from college, I found out that he had a girl friend. I still sometimes fantasize what might have happened with him, just as I still sometimes fantasize about what could have happened with Shad. I'm convinced now that Shad wanted to at least beat me off but I'm not sure if he would have wanted more. If he didn't, it was probably best that we didn't do anything because I would have wanted more. But I'll never know for sure, unless by some strange coincidence he reads my Nifty stories and decides to get in touch with me by email...