The Root Beer Boys
Chapter Eight - Tommy's Diary
Well, diary, it's a new year and nothing's changed. I still don't know who I'm more interested in, Nancy or Matthew. Boy, does THAT sound strange, even to me. I mean, Nancy is cute and a lot of fun to be with, and I really like her, and I'm SUPPOSED to like her. Or girls, at least. But Matthew is my best friend in the whole world, and I love him.
Gee, do I dare say that in here? What if somebody finds this? Shoot, I don't care. I don't think I'm gay or anything. I just know that I love Matthew. More than just as a friend, I mean. Of course HE doesn't know that. HE doesn't know I've had a crush on him since I was 10. Whoa! That's 4 years!
He is just so much fun to be with. He has this really cute grin that just makes me feel good inside when he flashes it at me. And I feel happy every time I'm with him, especially when we're alone. We've had sleepovers, and its always a lot of fun. We can talk until the sun comes up and never get bored. He makes me feel important, and I think I do that for him, too. At least I try to.
We know everything about each other ... well, almost everything. There's only one secret between us, and that's just because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I tell him I love him. I hate not telling him, but I'd hate it worse if I lost him as a friend. He's too important.
We never do sex stuff, but that doesn't seem important. I don't think A&W do much more than beat off most of the time, so Matthew and I aren't missing much in that regard. But I would so love to be able to share the same bed and hold him and kiss his neck. But I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way. Besides, if we did that and I got hard, what would he think? Would it really mean anything anyway? I mean, I get hard in history class and it sure isn't Mrs. A's fault.
January 10 -
I wonder how a guy knows if he's gay. How did A&W figure out they were gay? Sure, we told them we all knew they were in love with each other even before they knew it themselves, but we were only guessing. And I think most of us thought it was just because they were brothers. Only Brian seemed to know for sure, and that's probably because he knew what to look for because he's gay, too.
I don't think I'd mind being gay. It's just that I don't know for sure. Is it all about sex? I haven't had any with a girl yet, so how do I know? Come to think of it, I haven't had any with a boy yet either, but I think I'd like to. More than beat off in the same room I mean. I've done that. With Wayne and Matthew. But we didn't do each other. Matthew has a really cute penis. Or at least it was cute a year ago. I haven't seen it since. Oh, I've seen it alright. When we have sleepovers and take showers. But we never beat off together and we don't let each other get a really good look.
Sometimes I wonder if Matthew hides his for the same reason I hide mine. Is he afraid he'll get hard if he lets me look at it? Or if he looks at mine for a long time? I am. Afraid I'll get hard, I mean. Shoot, being 14 ain't easy.
Nancy called an hour ago. We talked for most of that hour. She is so sweet. I love her voice. And I can talk to her. Most girls scare me. We're going to a movie this weekend. Her dad's driving us. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to have fun.
The movie was cool. We held hands. I got hard. I kissed her goodnight after her dad went inside and left us on the porch. She has nice lips. I wonder what Matthew's lips would feel like? Wish I could find out.
I think I made out for the first time tonight. I went over to Nancy's house. We watched TV with her folks until they went to bed. Then we started kissing. It started out kinda slow, like always, but then Nancy stuck her tongue in my mouth. WOW! I think I heard my underwear rip, it got hard so fast. I wonder why sucking on somebody's tongue does that? I wonder if sucking on Matthew's tongue would do that?
Nancy said it's called french kissing. It could be called cock sucking and I wouldn't care, it made feel so good. Now there's a thought. I wonder if sucking Matthew's cock would make me feel good? I don't know if I'm ready for that.
Anyway, after we french kissed a bunch, Nancy grabbed my hand and put it on her boob. Gosh, they feel awesome, soft, squeezable. I think I got even harder than I already was. I know everything down there started to hurt because my pants were too tight. I kept trying to get into her blouse, but she wouldn't let me. And she wouldn't touch me either. Not down there, anyway. Not where I wanted her to touch me. I've heard some of the older guys on the school bus talk about girls being "prick teasers." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what THAT means. I wonder if Nancy is one of those.
I wonder if Matthew would touch me down there. Would he let me touch him down there? Would it feel as good as I think it would? He is so wonderful. I like Nancy, and I got really turned on with her tonight, but I kept thinking of Matthew, too. I love him. He's my best friend. Maybe I can talk to him about this stuff. Maybe I'll talk to Wayne first, get some ideas.
I almost died today! And in more ways than one, too. For real, under the wheels of a truck. And from embarrassment. Here's what happened. Wayne and Matthew and I were out skate boarding and I was showing off when this huge truck started across the intersection at the bottom of this hill we were using. I couldn't stop in time, and I just knew I was gonna be killed. Then all of a sudden I felt my legs get kicked out from under me and I fell flat on my back on the board. I was so stiff my feet didn't even drag the ground and I just flew under the truck between the front and back tires. Then I hit the hedges in Mr Bartemus's yard.
I was so scared I just busted out crying. And it wasn't just almost getting killed that scared me. It was not knowing who kicked my legs out from under me. I mean, I felt something hit the back of my legs but there wasn't anybody within 20 feet of me. And when I hit the board hard on my back, my head seemed to bounce off of something soft, almost like a big hand. I could almost feel the fingers on one side of my head. It was really scary.
Then Wayne was all over me, kissing my face all over and crying and dripping tears on me, and all of sudden I found myself kissing him on the lips.
With my tongue!
I got hard.
And Wayne yelled at me.
And Matthew was just standing there staring at me in a way that I knew he'd seen what I'd just done to Wayne. And I think he could see my boner, too. I saw him glance down at my crotch. Then he looked away real quick, like he didn't want me to catch him looking at me. But he had this kind of sad look on his face.
God, I was so embarrassed. I tried to tell him and Wayne it was just an accident. And it was! I know that now. It was Matthew I was thinking about when I kissed Wayne. I was just so happy to be alive, and so happy that Matthew was there. And Wayne's kisses caught me by surprise, and his lips did feel good. So now I know Matthew's lips would feel good. If he ever let me kiss him, that is. I hope he will someday. I love him a lot. I don't know if I want to do sex stuff with him, but I love him.
But Wayne got a boner, too. And I think it bothered him. Then Matthew's mom called him to dinner, and he made a point of asking me if I was going to be OK with what had happened with Wayne. After he left, I almost let the cat outta the bag when I told Wayne I was afraid Matthew would think I had a crush on Wayne. It wasn't so much what I said but how I said it that almost gave me away.
I'm going over to A&W's house tonight to talk to them about what happened. Maybe this is my chance to talk to them about all these mixed up feelings I'm having. I'll let you know.
Oh, before I leave, I have to tell you, diary, I really love Matthew. I think he was crying, too. He sure looked scared, standing there looking down at me. I wonder if he was crying because it was Wayne kissing me all over and not him. It would be nice if that was the reason. I don't know if I'm gay, but I know I love Matthew. And I hope he likes me that way too. I'd like to have a boyfriend like Wayne does. At least I'd like to be able to treat Matthew the way Wayne treats Andy, holding hands and sitting close and stuff.
HEY DIARY! Boy do I feel good today! That talk I had last night with A&W was great. Now I wish I'd had the guts to talk to them earlier. Andy is so mature for somebody his age. And it's obvious how much he and Wayne love each other. But I guess I have to explain that, don't I.
Well, after dinner, I went over to their house. As soon as I got there, the three of us went to the guys' bedroom and sat on their double bed. Not that there's much room to sit anywhere else except on the chair at their computer desk. Wayne seemed kind of nervous, and I thought he might be worried about how Andy would react when he found out what happened. Since it was my fault, I just barged in like I knew what I was doing.
I told Andy what happened, and how I found myself kissing his boyfriend, and how both of us got boners. Then I just kept going. I told them all about my feelings for Matthew and how confused I am about it. I even told them that I sometimes beat off thinking of Matthew. The hard part was trying to explain that I love him but I'm not sure I want to have sex with him. Beyond beating off, I mean. Heck, beatin' off is fun with just about anybody, in my mind anyway.
When Wayne told Andy that he had started kissing me all over because he was so happy I wasn't dead, Andy actually got a little teary. Then Andy said how proud he was that Wayne could feel that strongly about a friend and how proud he was of Wayne as a brother AND as a boyfriend. Then they took each other's hand and just sat there holding hands. It was so cool. I told them I want to be able to sit with Matthew that way.
When Wayne admitted that the sudden french kiss had made him get hard, Andy wasn't upset at all. In fact he actually smiled and kidded him by calling him his little stud muffin. We talked a lot about boners and how often we get them and all the things that can cause us to get hard, and before we knew it, we were all sporting tents in our pants. A&W started squeezing theirs like we all do when the pressure builds up, so I did too.
Then we talked about what I'd said about not knowing if I wanted to have sex with Matthew. We talked a long time about love and sex and how the two sometimes get all jumbled up. It seems easy for A&W. They love each other AND love sex with each other. But they both feel comfortable with knowing they're gay. I asked if they thought I should ask Matthew to have sex with me to see if it made a difference. I told them that I thought I'd like to try it with him but was scared. A&W were kinda quiet for a minute and I saw Wayne looking at me kind of weird. And Andy was looking at both of us with this kind of "older brother" look.
"What're you scared of, Tommy?"
"Well, what if I ask him and he doesn't want to? Or what if he wants to and I chicken out? Or we do it and I don't like it? I'm afraid I'd hurt him and then I'd feel awful. I know I love him, and that kiss with Wayne convinced me I'd like kissing him, but I don't know about the other stuff."
"I don't think you need to worry about that, Tommy. I've been noticing how Matthew looks at you when he thinks you aren't looking at him. If I know my boyfriend, and I do, then I know what that look means. You don't have to worry about him turning you down. I think you ought to talk with him about this, but not until after you guys know if he loves you the way you love him. You gotta get the love thing first, THEN deal with the sex stuff."
"But what if we do it and I don't like it? I'd hate to hurt him. I love him too much."
God, diary, when that popped out, I got as red as a beet. I couldn't look at either one of them. Wayne reached over with his free hand and took mine. When I looked up at him, he just smiled.
"Maybe I could help," he said. "If it's ok with Andy, that is."
Does love do that to people? Make them think the same thoughts? A&W are always finishing each other's sentences. And I knew they were thinking the same thing when Andy answered right away.
"Sure, it's ok with me. I'm not worried about Wayne. He's my boyfriend. I trust him. We're one person. But if you guys wanted to do some things together, you know, help Tommy out by experimenting some, that'd be ok with me. As long as you don't do anything Wayne and I haven't done."
I almost shit, right there on their bed. Here Wayne was offering to do sex stuff with me and Andy was saying it was ok. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was so relieved that maybe Wayne could help me find out if I'd like to do things with the boy I loved that I wanted to laugh my head off. But I wanted to cry, too, at the love Andy and Wayne shared. Andy loved Wayne enough and trusted him enough to let him do things with me that they had only done with each other. And he wasn't afraid of anything bad happening.
It really was so weird. I wasn't afraid to have sex with Wayne, who I didn't love, but was scared to pieces to think of having sex with a boy I did love.
And there sat Wayne with this big shit eatin' grin on his face like he could hardly wait for us to get together.
My penis was so hard I was afraid it would break if I put any more pressure on it. I could hardly wait to get home and beat off. Before I left, A&W both gave me big hugs and we set it up that Wayne would come over to my house Friday night for a sleepover. We just had to promise Andy that Wayne would tell him everything we did together, whatever that turns out to be. Not the juicy details, just the things we do. I wonder what we'll do. I'm kind of nervous. Maybe Wayne will start things since he's had more experience. I wonder if we'll kiss. That's kind of personal, isn't it?
I'll let you know, diary.
Omigod! That was so cool! It was great! I can hardly wait to have Matthew over. In fact I already called him and set it up for next weekend. He's coming over right after school on Friday. He actually sounded kind of excited on the phone. I told him I had some real serious stuff to talk to him about, and now he's all excited and pumping me to tell him what it's all about. He's called me twice just since I called him.
Here's what happened. Last night, Friday, Wayne rode his skate board over to my house after dinner. He had his pj's, clean underwear and toothbrush in a paper bag. His shirt and shorts were clean, so I guess he figured he could get away with wearing them two days in a row. I was hoping he wouldn't have them on long enough to get them dirty, and I wasn't disappointed.
We ate some popcorn and watched a little television with Mom and Dad, then went back to my bedroom about 8:30. I have a playstation in my room, and we told the folks goodnight as we left so they wouldn't come back and interrupt us later. That's the way things are in my house. Saying goodnight is a way of telling each other we don't want to be disturbed. I think my folks started that when I was old enough to maybe walk in on them doing it in the bedroom. Yech! Do parents still have sex after they're done having kids?
Anyway, as soon as we got to my room, Wayne grabbed his toothbrush and my hand and drug me to the bathroom.
"Come one! We gotta brush our teeth first."
That's EXACTLY what he said. FIRST. Like he already had something in mind and didn't want to waste any time gettin' to it. I was actually kind of nervous now that the time for us to do stuff was so close. We kept looking at each other in the mirror and he started doing funny stuff with his toothbrush, licking it and smiling at me and pretending to suck on it. We giggled and laughed so much at what he was doing we almost choked on the toothpaste. I was so embarrassed.
We ran back to my room and started to strip. We got as far as our briefs and then we just stopped and looked at the each other. I could tell Wayne had popped a boner already by the way his briefs stuck out. Looking at him sticking out like that, hard already, I realized that I wasn't. Hard, I mean. I couldn't believe how nervous and excited I was, all at the same time. Just looking at his boner pushing out his undershorts, though, started my own dick to growing. I had a sudden memory flash of the last time we beat off together with Matthew and started to get more excited and less nervous.
Anyway, all of a sudden I had to pee, so I grabbed my pj bottoms and ran back to the bathroom. It took a couple of minutes to get started because of my boner, and as soon as I was finished, Wayne took my place. I stood behind him and watched the stream between his legs.
"Shake it more than twice and you're playing with it," I whispered, giggling.
"Shit Tommy, if I shake it more than once I'm gonna put more in this commode than just piss," he whispered back.
The minute he was done, he turned around and grabbed my crotch. I laughed because he caught me by surprise, then I grabbed at his crotch and he tried to get away from me. We ended up playing grab-ass back into the bedroom and then fell onto the bed tickling and laughing and grabbing each other's boner. Pretty soon we settled down to just holding and squeezing each other's penis. It was totally cool.
I felt really good right then. I knew I wasn't in love with Wayne, so I figured this was just two friends doing sex stuff that most guys do with their friends. It felt good, but it didn't get me all teary-eyed or anything. Not like when I beat off thinking of Matthew. The really great thing was that Andy knew what we were doing and was cool with it.
Before too long, we realized we needed to get out of our pj's or risk making a mess for our Moms to clean up. It had been a long time since Wayne and I had seen each other's boner. We played around a bit with Matthew before A&W found out they were in love with each other, but nothing since then. I was actually a little embarrassed to take my pants off. Wayne was a lot more at ease with it. He just lifted his butt off the bed and pushed his pants to his ankles and kicked them off.
All I could do was lay there and watch him, wondering what it would be like to do this with somebody I loved. After all, that was why I was there in the first place, to see if I really wanted to do this stuff with Matthew.
It was cool to watch Wayne, though. He just rolled over on his back, raised his butt about six inches off the bed which naturally put the tent in his pants on display, then pushed his pants down off his hips. When the waistband slipped passed his penis, it bounced back stiff as a board and slapped him on his stomach. Wow! It looked so cool. Better than I remembered it. His is kinda cute, but I like mine better.
As soon as he laid back down and kicked his pj's off his feet, he grabbed his hardon and started to stroke it. But that's what I was there for, so I rolled over and pushed his hand off it and wrapped mine around it. We hadn't done this before, and I was surprised at how wonderful another guy's dick could feel in my hand. I remember thinking that if Matthew's felt anything like this, I was going to like it a LOT.
Then I forgot all about Matthew.
I had only stroked Wayne a little bit when he told me to take my pj's off. By this time I was too excited to be embarrassed, so I did the same thing he did. It was cool to here his gasp as my boner popped out and stuck straight up. I have more hair at the base of my dick than he does, and my nuts are a little bigger than his, but both our scrotums are still bald as pool balls. Wayne grabbed me and started stroking even before I had my pj's all the way off.
We rolled over to face each other and finished bringing each other to a climax. Fortunately Wayne had thought to lay his t-shirt between us. I guess his Mom is used to it or something. He didn't seem to worry about the stains.
When we were done, we laid there and talked for a long time. I didn't really look at his crotch very much. Every time I did, I thought of Matthew again and what he might look like down there now and how I was still nervous about seeing it and touching it. As we talked about how I love Matthew and why, and how Wayne loves Andy and why, I got to thinking that Wayne and I hadn't really resolved anything for me yet. Playing with each other's dick had been fun, but I still didn't know if I was gay or wanted to have sex with Matthew. I finally got the courage to ask Wayne what it was like to kiss a dick.
"Tommy," he said, "kissing Andy on the lips is just about the best thing in the world. But kissing his penis is so much different. For me, it's just the most powerful way in the world to tell him how much I love him. I just love making love to his penis with my lips and mouth. But we don't do it very often, and I think that makes it even more exciting when we do."
"But doesn't it make you gag when it hits that little thingie that hangs down in the back of your throat?" I asked.
"Not if you're thinking about it ahead of time and take it real slow. Besides, the few times I've done that to him, I spent most of my time on the top half of it anyway and didn't get down that far. We're not very practiced at it yet, ya know."
"Oh." I hesitated before asking the next question.
"Can I ask you a really personal question?"
"Sure, that's what we're here for, isn't it?"
"Is it hard to swallow Andy's stuff? I mean does it really taste like cinnamon toast?"
Wayne grinned at me with the biggest grin I ever saw, and he had this far away look in his eyes.
"No, Tommy," he said. "It isn't hard to swallow it. I didn't even have any trouble that first time. It doesn't really taste like cinnamon toast. It tastes as good as cinnamon toast. I really love it, and I love the feelings I get when he shoots. I can't really describe it. I think it's all part of how much I love him. I'm not sure if it would be the same with somebody I didn't love."
"Do you love me?"
"Sure, as a friend, but not like I do Andy."
"Do you think we could maybe do that? I mean do you want to, and would Andy mind?"
"Gee, Tommy, I hadn't really thought that far ahead. But sure, I think I'd like to do it with you. It's bound to help you decide what you want to try with Matthew which is what tonight is all about. And I'd kinda like to see what another boy's dick feels like in my mouth. But I gotta tell you, when it comes time, I might not want to swallow it. Would you be OK with that?"
I didn't answer him right away. As I looked down at Wayne's penis which was already getting hard (mine was, too), I thought about the things we had just said. I found myself wanting to know what it would feel like, and yet wasn't sure I was going to like it. I wasn't at all sure this night was going to be much help. I also noticed that Wayne used the word penis when he talked about Andy but the word dick when he was talking about some other boy. I asked him about that, first.
"Shoot, Tommy, I don't know. I guess I never noticed it before. But now that you mention it, just the sound of the word penis is special. It's more personal, more... what's that word? ... inti-something."
"Yeah, intimate. To me, Andy's tool is a penis. Yours is a dick. When Andy and I do it, I'm making love to his penis. If you and I do it, I'll be sucking your dick. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings."
"That's ok, Wayne. I kinda feel the same way about you and Matthew. You know? I really do love him. I'm just not sure I'm gay. I mean, I really have the hots for Nancy, too, but I'm not really in love with her. Not like I am with Matthew."
"Well, I don't know about all that stuff, Tommy. I've never felt any real attraction to a girl, so I don't know where you're coming from with that. But I do know what love feels like, and if you love Matthew, I think you should just tell him the truth."
Then he grabbed my boner, which by then was hard as it could be, and got this stupid grin on his face and said, "the whole truth and nothing but the truth."
I felt really good right then, and told him he could swallow or not, I'd understand. I had already decided to try and swallow his as I leaned forward to give Wayne a kiss. It would have been only the second time I kissed a boy on the lips, but he turned his head so I just got his cheek. When I leaned back with a questioning look, this is what he said.
"Tommy, I think we shouldn't kiss on the lips again. I can't explain it, but I can suck your dick and not feel guilty. But if I kiss you on the lips, I'm afraid of what might happen in my head. That's something I only want to do with Andy, and I think you should only do with Matthew. And Nancy, I guess."
That was so thoughtful of him, I almost cried. It was neat to be here naked, holding each other's dick, knowing I was with a guy who was that much in love, even though it wasn't with me. His love for Andy was so awesome, I wanted some for myself. As I felt a tear slipping down my cheek, I rolled over on top of him and buried my face in the hollow of his neck, our boners pressed together. He hugged me tight as I kissed his neck.
After awhile, we got down to the business of furthering my education. When it was all over, I knew I could do it with Matthew. ALL of it. I was ready. And Wayne was SO wonderful. He didn't swallow mine, but that was OK. It was still great. I forced myself to take his just to prove to myself that I could do it if Matthew wanted me to. It was ok, but it didn't have the meaning for me that I thought it would. It didn't answer very many of my questions either. I still didn't know if I was gay. It tasted ok, I guess, but not like cinnamon toast. Swallowing it didn't make me feel good or bad, and I was a little disappointed about that.
But I have to remember to thank Andy for this night. I fell asleep with Wayne pressed up against my back, his arm wrapped around me, his leg between mine, his dick resting against my butt. It was really cool.
... to be continued
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