Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2006 23:58:03 +0800 From: YoDawgs Bl.net Subject: The Search for Conscience, Chapter 13 "Sean." He called, placing his hand on Sean's motionless chest. "Sean." He called a little louder. Oh god, what had he done? "Sean!" he screamed. No response. He started shaking Sean vigorously, but only succeeded in rocking Sean's still soft body on the carpet. He glanced at Sean's face again. He saw the flash of green from Sean's half-opened eyes and knew that he indeed loved this boy. He started crying, tears splashing on Sean's chest. What had he done? Without thinking, he laid his head down on Sean's chest, as he did frequently the past few days. There was not a doubt in his mind that Sean, his new brother, was dead, like his parents. "You said you wouldn't leave me! And you did!" he screamed, stricken with grief. Despite the loudness of his voice, neither John nor Regina entered the room to investigate. Those thoughts were not in his mind at the moment, obviously. "Sean, oh god, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I want to wake up in the morning and see your face as the first thing I'll ever see every time I wake up. I'm sorry I hurt you. Now it's too late! You broke your promise, Sean! Why did you leave me? We only got to know each other and you have been so nice to me. Why couldn't I return the favour?" he rambled almost incoherently, pressing into Sean's chest, stricken with grief. Suddenly, a faint murmur stirred in Sean's chest. Cody raised his head and looked at Sean's face. The beautiful green eyes were still sparkling. He realized that Sean must have willingly inhaled the bathwater through his nose, lost in the delusion that he, Cody, was on his way downstairs to burst the bubble to his parents. A glimmer of hope, albeit tiny, formed in Cody's heart. He began pumping Sean's chest rhythmically. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. The artificial respiration courses were crystal clear in his mind. They had to be. He remembered the position of his hands, clenched fist, with palm parallel to the ground, open palm on top, press firmly, not strongly. He pried open Sean's mouth and hesitated for a split second, before his thoughts fizzled out. He turned his head sideways and clamped the sides of Sean's mouth with his lips, blowing in three times. He pumped Sean's chest again. Exhaled again. Pumped again. Cody did this for three rounds. On the third round, he pumped Sean's chest hard, and blew almost desperately into Sean's mouth, to no avail. He lost all hope. However, the feeling of dread and regret remained in him. He had caused another death. "John! Regina!" he yelled with despair, putting some of his grief into the words, before breaking down and sobbing on Sean's chest. Everything was a blur to him now, as was his parents' death. He felt as if everything around him was surreal, as if he was in a dream. A hurried thumping was heard before John burst through the toilet door, dressed in a bathrobe and a questioning expression on his face. In a split second, the expression changed from one confused, to one of horror. His eyes opened wide, revealing green pupils, not unlike Sean, which dilated rapidly. He knelt down beside Sean, calling his name in a choked voice. Sean remained unresponsive. As a last resort, hoping against hope, Cody punched Sean's solar plexus as hard as he could, as a gambit to force the water out of his lungs. He ignored the agonized cry from John. He succeeded where he had failed so many times before. A stream of water trickled out of Sean's lips, making a small puddle on the carpeted floor, where it would soon be absorbed by the cloth. John noticed the small reaction, and together, both of them stared into Sean's half opened eyes for a sign of life. An inkling of hope. They were rewarded. With a loud hack, Sean spewed out the remaining water in his lungs in the form of tiny droplets, where they were whisked away by the slight breeze that blew in from the small window. A few more seconds elapsed, before Sean let out a copious gasp, swallowing the air, filling his lungs with it. John let out a sigh of relief, before saying to Cody: "Stay here. I'm going to call Northwick Park hospital. It's the nearest. I repeat, stay with him." With great urgency, he ran out of the bathroom, massive feet pounding the wooden floor and causing it to creak with protest with each step. Below Cody, Sean gasped again, expelling more water. An over consuming sense of relief washed through him, as he watched his step-brother regain his composure. The sparking green eyes that he adored so much were glazed, as Sean repeatedly choked and gasped. He realized that he had been a fool all along. He had refused to proclaim his love for Sean, and it had nearly cost him the life of a loved one. He hugged the gasping boy hard, squeezing the wind out of him, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Over and over again, as the tears splashed from his conjunctiva. After a few seconds, he released his hold. Sean needed as much air as he possibly could acquire. He took Sean's hand in his hands. "I... heard... you." Sean said weakly, between breaths. "Don't speak, Sean. Save your breath. Help will be here soon, John's gone to call the hospital. Just hold on!" "I... heard... what... you... said." "Shhh... it's alright. "Cody... Don't let go. Please... stay with me... Promise..." Sean closed his eyes and started taking deep breaths, his hand still gripping Cody's hands tightly. Cody continued holding Sean's hand, while reaching for a towel to provide Sean some privacy from the soon-arriving paramedics. "Thanks..." murmured Sean. Cody patted Sean's chest and sat beside him for the next ten minutes, when the paramedics arrived, John, white-faced, in the lead. Cody heard the familiar strides of John, along with an unfamiliar pattern of footsteps. "Ere, where's the lad?" a rough voice asked. "Over here. His brother's keeping an eye on him." The bathroom door was pushed open, and a tall bearded man clad in the dark green uniform of the British Health Services plodded in, leather shoes imprinting the carpet. The paramedic knelt down beside Cody. "How are you, mate?" The paramedic asked quietly. "I'm fine. Could you look at my brother, please?" "I'm sure he's fine. Would you like to come outside, errr..." "Cody." "Right. Cody?" "But he asked me to keep him company. I can't leave him. I won't." Cody protested. As if he was perceptive to their conversation, Sean tightened his grip on Cody's hands, knuckles whitening. The paramedic sighed. He knew that they needed the boy to be in the hospital, to monitor his status. However, Cody's presence inhibited them from hefting Sean onto a gurney. He knew he had to do this the hard way. "Frank! Alison! Bring the gurney up em' apples, won't you lot?" Cody recognized the Cockney slang. Apples meant Stairs, as "Apples and Pears" rhymed with "Stairs". He returned his attention to Sean. The skin on Sean's body had become cream-white and clammy, as well as frighteningly cold. He knew Sean needed medical attention, right now; everything depended on him to let Sean go, for an instant. He slowly pried Sean's grip on his hands, every tug wrenching his heart with pain. He finally completed the difficult task, and stood beside John, trying not to burst into tears. John put his arms around his shoulders, squeezing them tightly. "That's a good lad now. We're going to get your buddy here to the hospital now. You'll see `im in a jiffy." The paramedic bent down and lifted Sean up. Cody and John close in his wake. He carried Sean all the way downstairs to the front porch, taking care to secure the towel around Sean's waist. He placed Sean on the already prepared stretcher, alongside two other paramedics. Looming ahead, outside the gate, was an ambulance, identical to the ones Cody saw during the night his parents died. Everything was the same, from the flashing red lights, down to the red and yellow streak across the back of the windowed door, which was ajar. "Alright, reel `er in. Condition's stable, but I ain't gonna risk anything." The paramedics wordlessly loaded Sean into the ambulance. Cody ran towards the ambulance frantically, afraid that they would leave without him, afraid that he would break the promise with Sean. "Wait!" he called, as he approached them. The female paramedic held the door ajar as he clambered onto the ambulance. He glanced back at John, who had taken his mobile phone out and was speaking animatedly into it, sweat dripping from his face. He looked back at Cody, and a brief exchange of eye contact let Cody know that he was to take care of Sean. A nod was all it took to confirm this. He settled down beside Sean, once again taking hold of Sean's hand, while the paramedics attached various pipes and drips into Sean's body. He wondered why Regina was not in sight. He could not bear to look at Sean's face, which was horribly disfigured by the oxygen mask. He did not want to add to his stress and grief that befell him. He just felt Sean's hand, rubbing the white skin on the palms, and rested his face on his chest, listening to the steady thumping of Sean's heart. Thank god, he thought. A few minutes ago, this strong heart was but a mere shadow of itself. Cody did not ever want this heart to stop beating, as he rested his cheek and pressed his ear against the middle of Sean's chest. Sean's free arm, the left arm, was perpendicular to his body, and bent at the elbow, hand pointing upwards. Sean was taking deep breaths, torso rising and falling, to the continual relief of Cody. He knew he would blame himself for Sean's death, if it did occur. After all, he was the one who did not acknowledge Sean's heartfelt words, and chose to leave the room when Sean was at his weakest. He knew why Sean had done what he did, of course, but that did not make things any better. Rage built up in him, at himself, during the entire ride to the hospital. The siren of the ambulance blotted out everything else but the fact that Sean might have been dead because of him. After a few minutes through the sparse Sunday morning traffic, they finally arrived, the timeframe being of forever to Cody. Once again, he was forced to release his grip on Sean's hand, as the paramedics wheeled him in through the Accident and Emergency Ward. He was about to follow them, when he halted. This was the exact same hospital in which he had identified the bodies of his parents. Northwick Park Hospital. The same entrance to the A & E ward, the same positioning of the ambulances parked in front. He paused, reliving the emotions of that fateful day, three months ago. The feeling of suspense, hopelessness, oblivion to the future, not knowing what he was going to find. Today was different, however. He knew Sean was going to be alright, and that protocol required him to be brought to the hospital for a check up. He remembered the knowing look that John gave him a few minutes ago, and stepped quickly into the hospital. He spotted the gurney carrying Sean to one of the covered wards, and chased it. As he approached the ward that Sean was in, a male nurse stopped him. "Err, excuse me. That's a private ward; you can't just go barging in." Cody stared in disbelief. "That's my brother! Let me in!" he yelled, attempting to push past. The man held steady. "How do I know you're not pulling a fast one on me? Maybe you're one of those little blighters that can't keep their hands out of anything." "Why won't you let me in? My brother is in there. Go and see for yourself. I want to be with him. Please." He pleaded. The man stood his ground, a faint incredulous smile crossing his lips. The rage built up in Cody. "Let me in!" he screamed, as loud as he could, elbowing the man in the kidney area, taking him by surprise. He pulled open the coverings around the ward, and came face to face with the bearded paramedic. "Ere, took you long enough." he smiled. "You're brother here's going to be alright. We'll keep `im in `ere for monitoring, but `e'll be ready to go today. We also need to drain the remainder of `em water in `is lungs." At this point, the male nurse burst through the wrappings. "Right then." He said, gripping Cody's arm and pulling him roughly towards the exit. "You've had enough fun now. Come along nice and easy." Tears of rage filled Cody's eyes. He braced himself to deliver a haymaker to the part that mattered most on the nurse. "Ere, excuse me." The bearded paramedic frowned. "Wot you doin' with that lad there? E's his brother." The nurse started in surprise. He looked from Cody's face to Sean's. "They don't even look the same. Their hair colour tells it all. How can they be brothers?" he commented snidely. The bearded paramedic took one step towards the male nurse, radiating an air of supremacy. The nurse automatically took one step backwards, pupils dilating with fear. "You're that student from med-school, aren't you?" The nurse nodded sheepishly. "What school are ya from?" "U-university College of London, sir." "Well now, you're setting a fine example for a student from a university of such caliber. Leave this poor kid alone. Go. Now." His tone was menacing, losing its accent for a split second. The nurse's eyes widened in shock, and he backed out wordlessly, drawing the curtains back. The paramedic sighed. "The bloody nerve of some people." Cody walked towards Sean, who, thankfully, was stripped of the oxygen mask. The white light of the hospital brought back feelings of nausea and nostalgia. Sean's green eyes were still glazed, although the sparkling glint remained. The bearded paramedic left silently. "Oh, Sean." Sean stared at him blankly. There were a few seconds of uncertainty before a trace of recognition crossed Sean's eyes. "Cody..." he said meekly. "Thank you... for staying... with me." "No problem." He replied. "John's at home, he couldn't leave the house unlocked. I don't know where your mom is." "Our... mom..." Sean forced out, half closing his eyes. "Why did you do it, Sean?" "Do what?" "You know." "I didn't do anything, Cody. I fell asleep." "No, your reflexes would wake you up. Why did you do it? Why didn't you just come out? I was waiting for you, Sean. My life won't be any easier if you take your life like that. I don't need another death, especially a death of a loved one. Why didn't you just come out? For god's sake, do you know what I would have done if you had died?" He asked, frantically, voice etched with anger. But it was not anger at Sean; it was anger directed at himself. And it was wrong to take it out on Sean, no matter how enraged he was. Sean winced at the power of his words. "Cody... I..." he began, struggling to find words. Cody knew he was wrong. Before he knew it, he had latched himself onto Sean, wrapping his arms around Sean's chest and clasping his hands behind Sean's back, holding him tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've treated you so badly. I love you, Sean. You're my brother. How could I do that to you?" He cried, hysterically, breaking down. "I don't...hate...you..." Sean whispered, weakly stroking Cody's back. "But I hate me." Cody sobbed. "Don't... worry..." Sean rasped, breathing into Cody's shoulder. Cody was again consumed with regret, and spent an indefinite amount of time just holding on to Sean, gripping his bare back and pressing his body against Sean's. He needed this boy in his life now. So he held on, for dear life. He took off his blazer, and draped it around Sean's back, before putting his hands in the sleeves, from the outside. He then found Sean's bare back again, and held on, Sean breathing gently. "Thanks... I... was... cold..." Cody lost track of time. He had absolutely no idea how long he and Sean were locked in that embrace. All he knew was that this was the place he wanted to be in, at this very moment, in his life. Nowhere else. He scratched Sean's back, causing the boy to sigh. He took care not to disturb the devices that monitored Sean's life signs, and did not remove the plastic suction cups on Sean's chest. He closed his eyes, whittling away time, wondering when John and Regina would arrive. The blip-blips of the machines gave him a sense of peace; every time he heard them, he felt Sean's heart beat against his own chest, radiating unseen affection and heat.. He heard the curtains drawn, and saw two familiar faces. Of course. His parents. Regina walked in; face formed with worry, and gave a gasp of relief as she spotted Sean's relatively healthy condition. She practically ran towards them, her high heels making quick little clicks on the floor as she hurried. She was dressed in a plaid winter coat, which stretched down to her calves, and had a fur lining along the zip. It was zipped up to her collar, where Cody spotted a bright red scarf with black checkers, ending in a frilly pattern. Behind her, John stood, dressed in a half-unzipped black leather jacket, with a button-up shirt half-revealed, and a pair of long black dress trousers. "Sean!" Regina gasped, wrapping her arms around both of them. "Cody!" "Thank god!" she uttered. Cody agreed. "Yes. Thank god I will, for every day I live." He said. "No, thank god for you, Cody." She said softly, stroking his blonde hair. John nodded with approval behind, a smile carved on his face. The bearded paramedic appeared as suddenly as he had disappeared, pulling the curtains aside from another angle and causing Regina to scream "Geez!", while Sean started violently, clutching Cody tightly. "Well, then. We'd better get the little bugger to a proper ward, right? Shall we? We `ave to clean summat that fluid out of `is lungs." Cody was about to relinquish his hold on Sean, as he knew that Sean was about to be relocated. However, when he attempted to pry himself from Sean, he encountered firm resistance, as Sean groaned in objection, hugging him tighter, pinning his chest to Sean's. "Sean, I need to go." He tried pulling himself away, but Sean would not allow it. Cody felt Sean clinging to him like a limpet. John tried reassuring Sean, but to no avail. Sean simply would not let go, and would groan and moan with discomfort every time he thought Cody was going to be detached from him. Cody looked at the paramedic for directions. The paramedic smiled. "Looks like we `ave to go as it is, then lad." He disengaged the brakes of the stretcher and began wheeling Sean and Cody toward the minors' ward. John and Regina followed, at ease, now that the situation had dissipated. Their voices were audible to Cody, but they hushed. Cody knew that he was the subject of their conversation. And on good grounds that he was, too. What else could have caused this issue? "Quite a duo you've got here, eh?" The paramedic commented. "Indeed. We love both of them so much. They've practically become inseparable." John replied, patting Cody's shoulder. They were wheeled into a lift with dual doors, both on each end. "Look, Sean. There are two doors for this lift? I wonder what it's for." "I dunno." Sean mumbled, still in a stupor. Regina was running her fingers through his hair, and tugging affectionately at Cody's blazer, that he was adorned in. The lift door opened with a ding, announcing their arrival. The stretcher was wheeled through a set of double-doors and down a long passage, with white fluorescent lights announcing their presence in the form of rectangular tubes. They entered Ward Three, and the paramedic docked the gurney, locking it in place by depressing the brake pads with his foot. The paramedic leant over. "Cody, we `ave to drain `em water in `is lungs. It's going to `urt a little." He whispered to Cody. Cody turned to Sean. "Sean, I have to let go of you for a moment. Your lungs are filled with water, and if we don't get it out, many complications may occur later. I don't want that to happen to my brother." Sean groaned in protest as Cody once again tried to free himself, but he seemed to know the consequences of his actions. After a few minutes, he allowed Cody to extricate himself, the blazer falling from his back, revealing his bare chest. He shivered. Cody immediately pulled the blazer over Sean again, and directed his arms into the sleeves. "Cheers..." Sean muttered. "Sean, if you could lean over, please." the paramedic asked gently. Sean obliged, and Cody could see him trembling with anticipation for the pain he was about to receive. A swish of white beside him brought his senses to a new character. A doctor had entered the ward when he was busy releasing his grip on Sean. The doctor wore a blue shirt, covered by a white lab coat, with a name tag pinned to his left pocket, and a stethoscope dangled from his neck. Without uttering a word the doctor retrieved a transparent pipe from the tray he was pushing into the ward. He knelt down beside Sean. "Hold him still." He ordered the bearded paramedic, who immediately obeyed. "Open wide, boy. This will hurt. But only for awhile. Deal with it." The doctor said curtly. John frowned at the statement, and started to move toward the doctor, but Regina grabbed his hand and restrained him, more emotionally than physically. "I'm going to call the twins. They might want to come." John said, striding from the ward. Cody immediately took Sean's hand, gripping it tightly. The doctor pulled Sean's head up, so that his esophagus was in line with his anatomy. A nurse shone a torch into Sean's mouth, and without further ado, the doctor inserted the long, transparent, flexible tube into Sean's mouth. Sean immediately gagged and stiffened up, clutching Cody's hand so tightly that it hurt. Tears started to flow from Sean's face, due to the amount of gagging and pain he was undergoing. He fidgeted a little, and the bearded paramedic enforced his grip on Sean. "Nurse, would you turn on the machine, please?" The nurse strode demurely to the machine, and flipped the switch. Immediately, horrible distorted sounds came echoing out of Sean's throat. It sounded like Sean was clearing his throat, but multiplied in magnitude. Sean started choking, voice piercing the air. "Ah!... Ugh..." was all he managed to say, as more tears trickled down the sides of his face. Cody gripped his hand tightly, but knew better than to touch Sean anywhere else. He would cause more harm than good if he did. He refused to look at the substance coming out through the tubes, knowing that it would be Sean's bodily fluids. He did not want to be tortured by images of his newly acquired step brother's product of innards. He laid his head next to Sean, watching his face and staring into his eyes, while Sean's body quivered in throes of agony. Behind them, Regina clapped her hands to her mouth and looked away. At last, it was over. The doctor carefully retracted the device, and replaced it in its original position, before thanking the nurse and wheeling the trolley out without another word. Sean gagged loudly a few seconds after the tube was swiftly pulled from his throat. He turned over, physically and emotionally drained. Cody reached out and rubbed Sean's back, feeling the muscles through his blazer. The paramedic had already relinquished his hold on Sean, and was idly chatting with Regina and John in the background. "Stay with me, please." Sean's voice, muffled by the sheets, begged. "Sure." Cody clambered onto the bed, using the metal railings as support. "Oh Cody, it hurts so much." Sean moaned, the after effect of the procedure weakening his voice. "I'm so sorry, Sean." "Don't be." Sean flipped over onto his back, half-revealing his washboard stomach and part of his chest. Cody could make out some freckles on Sean's chest. He gently laid his head down upon Sean's solar plexus, rubbing his hair into Sean's ribs. Sean giggled weakly, coughing as he did. Suddenly, he stiffened. "Cody." "What?" "Your hair... it's different." "What do you mean?" "Mom. Come and look at Cody's hair." Regina stepped forward quickly. "Why? What's with his hair?" she inquired. "Just look." Regina ran her fingers through Cody's hair. Not unlike Sean, she started, and let out a gasp. "Cody, part of your hair has turned white." He gazed into her eyes with shock. "W-what?" "John, take a look." John hurried over and witnessed the phenomenon. He stood there swaying for a moment before he patted Cody on the shoulder. "Well, I suppose that's another trait we can show our friends. It would be a lovely party livener, don't you think?" he said jokingly, squeezing the shoulder. "John, why do I have white hair?" "I suppose it happens when someone goes through a significant amount of stress, Cody. Of all the people, I am of the opinion that you were the one who was under the most pressure. Which explains this occurrence. You did well, son. You did well." He leant over and hugged Cody, a first. Cody was thrilled, and nearly cried with happiness. His initiation into the family had been brought to his knowledge by Regina, but John completed the chain of love. He again rested his head upon Sean's sternum, listening to Sean's steady beating of the heart. He played with the rubber suction cups that were scattered around Sean's chest, and stroked Sean's neck. Sean giggled softly and buttoned the blazer over both of them, giving the impression that he was pregnant. Regina spotted the unorthodox shape and chuckled with mirth. The double doors burst open, and a gaggle of voices filled the room. Two voices were distinctly unfamiliar. "We came here as fast as we could when we received your call. I'm glad to hear that Sean made it." A smooth male voice, heavily accented in the American New-York style, stated. "Thank god. Seth and Sebastian would have been absolutely devastated. We woke them up, and they were no problem at all. Seth even showered without Sebastian's help, which is very unusual. Usually he just leans against the wall while Sebastian washes him." Cody felt two pairs of hands rubbing his back a few seconds later, followed by a giggle that could only be Seth. He felt his ear being tweaked playfully, and a cry of "Hey, Dawg. Wassup?" followed. He looked up. Past Sean's grinning face was Seth's very own radiant face. Or was it Sebastian's?